American Dad!, Season 5

Hayley:
So, how'd the big night turn out?

Roger:
It was... there's no word to describe it. Schmooblydong? That's not it, but it's close. Let--let me try and put it in terms you can understand. Imagine being high at a Rusted Root concert while two dudes take you on in a sun-baked porta-john.

Hayley:
Wow. That actually does sound really good.

Roger:
Yeah. I'd like that too.

[Stan has taken General Pequeño shopping for new clothes]

Store Clerk:
[holding up his uniform] What do you want to do with this Rhythm Nation outfit?

Steve:
Wow, uncensored nudity! This game must be from Japan!

Toshi:
[in Japanese] Unlikely. Those are women, not underage schoolgirls.

Roger:
Hey, F-Bombs!

Francine:
Oh, my God! Stan!

Stan (as he hides the cannister of rat poison; disgusted):
Oh, he's doing his Heath Ledger impression. Too soon, Roger. Too soon.

Stan:
Who are you?

Bug (weakly):
Roger's conscience.

Stan:
Oh, my God. You're dying of neglect.

Bug:
Kill me.

(Stan hears moaning from behind him. He turns around and finds Tom Skerritt wrapped up like a fly in a spiderweb)

Stan:
Tom Skerritt?

Tom Skerritt (weakly):
Get me work.

Francine:
Oh, Stan. I hope you don't get lost in there. What if you die? (gasps): I left my soda in the freezer!

(Francine rushes to the kitchen, opens the freezer, and finds a drunken Klaus in his fishbowl)

Klaus (drunk and happy):
Francine! Let's do some shots!

Francine:
Klaus?! What you do doing in there?

Klaus:
Stan put me in two days ago. The only reason I didn't freeze to death because I filled mein bowl with that bottle of vodka.

Francine:
Why'd he put you in the freezer?

Klaus (belligerently):
Oh, I'll tell you why. He -- (vomits so much that it fills the fishbowl)

Stan:
When I turned 14, I took fiduciary responsibility for my mothers 401K. We discussed over Italian food. I had my first espresso, it kept me up all night. I fell asleep at dawn for five minutes and had a stress dream about the house burning down. Pretty good birthday.

Roger:
There he is! You owe me big, Mr. Hard Time. Who gotcha two more months of goofin' around? (points to himself): I did, is who. (walks towards an increasingly pissed-off Stan): Get inside this hu--(Stan decks Roger in the face before he can finish his sentence).

Roger:
Great I'll put it on the DVD extras along with the musicologist touching you in the bath.

Roger:
No I'm totally kidding! (to Stan) At least I think I'm kidding, I left him alone with her for half an hour while I took a nap.

Stan:
[about Francine] God she scared me, you see that I almost punched her in the face!

Roger:
Stan, remember the first rule of every wedding is that the bride is beautiful. The second rule you can find on my website. You have be eighteen to log on. I have some sexy barnyard stuff on there that is not for everyone -- I could get into a lot of trouble. If you do decide to check it out you need clear your history right away; you may have to uninstall your browser. I'm telling you scrub that thing clean. If you think you're being too cautious, you're not: they will take us both to jail.

Roger:
You got the gift? (reads label) Oh, from Landon's de-lovely!

Steve:
You can put it in a curro case, you can sew with it, a little mouse could wear it for hat.

Roger:
Ze boy is to die first! (cuts Steve's chest)

Francine:
Why is anger the only emotion you can express?

Stan:
Because people make me mad all the time for being stupid about everything! Now pass me the f***ing sweet potatoes!

Roger:
Spoiler alert, the sweet potatoes SUCK! How'd you get the sweet out of the potatoes, Frannie?

Bullock:
Gentlemen do what ever it takes to empty our coffers.

Lap dances, champagne dances, shower dances.

Oh, the things you can buy for a hand full of bills.

It makes me excited.

It gives me the chills.

They'll be filcher rubs, breeders, hambones and tweeners

Zobos and debos and blorps that go, "Eenahs!"

For a one dollar bill

You can pull down their zippers.

I am the Snorlax

I speak for the strippers!

Roger:
Oh, I love your religion ... for the crazy! Virgin birth. Water into wine. It's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music.

Roger:
Oh, my God! The homeless guy from the bus station is hung (Pause) But I knew that.

Roger:
Alright, someone call Mel Gibson and apologize, and then call Tim Robbins and tell him I banged Susan Sarandon, he'll know what it means.

Ricky the Raptor:
Hi kids, I'm Ricky the Raptor, here to tell you about the Rapture.

Roger:
*Gasp* I dropped my meatball in the pool!

Jesus:
Ah, an alien. One of my father's side projects.

Terry Bates:
You may notice that my partner Greg isn't here. That's because he was Raptured. Apparently, God does love gays but only if they're "tops". Take it in the behind, you get left behind.

Stan Smith:
We can't use the open road. It's too dangerous.

Jesus Christ:
What if we journey through Sector 16?

Stan Smith:
Sector 16? The perfect man just proposed the perfect way to die.

Jesus Christ:
Fine. What about Sector 35?

Stan Smith:
Sector 35 makes Sector 16 look like Sector 48!

Steve:
All right, just give birth the ferret baby and put it in the bucket-- it's worth 50 points

Snot:
Oh, Steve! We've been playing "Animal Midwife" for two years! When are you gonna get some new games?

Steve:
Maybe we should go to your place and play "Let's Watch Your Mom Sober Up Before She Has to Go to Her Nursing Job".

Barry:
Ouch.

Crackhead Booboo:
Hey! As long as you're giving out crack, how 'bout you throw a little ding-a-dong ding ding ol' Crackhead Booboo's way?

Dealer:
Not now, Mom. I'm working.

Stan:
Oh, son. Every day with you is like a punch in the nads.

Stan:
Oh, my God! Roger is my hero!

(Roger is asleep on the hotel bed. He wakes up and finds Stan sitting across from him)

Roger:
Stan, who the hell are you talking to? Are you just sitting in the dark watching me? Oh God, were you yanking it over my sleeping form? Oh you sick -- (notices lipstick marks all over his body): What the? (pulls back the covers to reveal a naked, sleeping fat woman): You always get what you want, doncha, Helen? Bravo.

Stan:
You lying, thieving cheater! You're gonna get what you deserve! Where do they keep the British tourist girls?

Stan:
Roger's a dirty cop. He's been on the force for three hours!

Stan:
I always knew this day would come. Except I'd be hearing it from my son and not an alien in a sports bra.

Roger (sobbing):
It's a support tank. It's too small. It rode up my belly.

Roger:
What, no way! Wait, why is this wrong? Next to "Miranda Rights," I wrote, "Miranda has the right to a decent man who will help her raise her baby." Are these questions not about Sex and the City?

Breakfast Haus waiter:
Y'all have enough time?

Roger:
I'll have two eggs - one over easy, one over medium - three sausage links, a cup of cottage cheese with a drizzle of honey, a fruit cup - unless it's mostly honeydew melon, in which case skip it and make it half a grapefruit, a glass of whole milk over ice and a side of toast, barely browned - closer to bread than toast, I'm not joking - with as many local jams as you have in stock. Oh, and a Bloody Mary.

Breakfast Haus waiter:
We don't serve alcohol.

[scene changes to Café Olé]

Jeff:
How's you huge vagina?

Hayley:
Oh, yerhujeva? She's good. She's back in Croatia for the winter with the rest of the Gina family.

Roger (after Stan tells his 'three rings of marriage' joke):
That's not a good joke because it's not racist.

Roger:
You're gonna to roast each other. And your zingers better be mean. If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a zots. [With a remote, he buzzes Stan] Now, Stan, roast Hayley. [Zots!] You feel that zots?!

Stan:
Uh, Hayley, you're not very smart and you smoke a lot of pot.

Roger:
[another buzz] Zots!

Stan:
Uh, okay. Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, and you were aging backwards, and your life was almost over.

Roger:
[laughing with Klaus] Oh, yeah! Insults in the form of jokes. So how's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Now you do Steve.

Hayley:
Steve, you will never get laid. There is nothing attractive about you. You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital.

Klaus:
[laughing] Oh!

Roger:
Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. Okay, Steve, let's see you give it to your mama.

Steve:
Mom, you are not smart. I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. Example: my mama's so dumb, I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes.

Roger:
I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it!

Francine:
Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray.

Roger:
I'm crying like Francine when she watches Grey's Anatomy.

Francine:
I just feel so sorry for those poor actors.

Klaus:
(From the living room) Guys! Get in here! The porn channel's coming in for some reason!

(Stan, Hayley, Francine, and Steve run to the living room)

Francine:
(while watching the porn) Nice.

(An explosion comes from the kitchen. The family coughs and comes up from the rubble)

Francine:
Is everyone okay?

Klaus (woozily):
Did we lose the porn?