American Dad!, Season 9

[after inserting the DNA, Steve and Snot activate the cloning machine]

Steve:
What are you gonna name yours?

Snot:
I want mine to have a sexy stripper name, like Honey.

Steve:
I'm gonna name mine after my great grandmother: Glitter.

Snot:
Naming your sex clone after your great grandmother. That's a nice way to honor her.

[when Steve's cloning plan works, out of the machine come, not teenage girls as expected, but babies]

Steve:
[screams; pushes buttons repeatedly] Unclone! Unclone! Control-Z! Control-Z!

[having witnessed footage of a scary ghost version of Francine]

Roger:
[to a recorder] 3:43. Just peed myself. [pauses, then continues] Asparagus.

Hayley:
[to her dazed father] Dad, you have to snap out of it! You gotta get Mom where she needs to get to!

Stan:
I can't, Hayley! I don't know what to do! If only there was some sort of kindly robot or magic wand that could pleasure my wife. But we live in the real world.

Hayley:
Dad, look around you! The ghost is getting stronger! You have to satisfy Mom!

Stan:
You're right. But I clearly don't know what I'm doing anymore!

Hayley:
You just need to get some help. A book or the Internet...

Stan:
Or an oversexed hippie who just happens to be my daughter. Hayley, you are gonna be my sex coach.

Hayley:
[after a moment of pause] Well, that really backfired on me, didn't it?

Steve:
I don't believe this! How could they put me at the kids' table? I'm 14!

Kid in costume:
I'm Batman.

Steve:
NO, YOU'RE NOT! [sighs] I'm too old for this. I don't wanna be around all these babies playing Pokémon, badly. This kid right here is just wasting his Charizard. [to the kid] You are wasting your Charizard!

Stan:
It's about time the hunter who became the huntee becomes the hunter,… again.

[Francine brings an incapacitated Stan to Hayley and Roger]

Roger:
Okay. I'll bite. What's up with the gyroscope on his junk?

Francine:
Stan was injured and went into a rare condition known as "testicular retreat syndrome". His "nuggs" were so traumatized, they ran up into his body to heal.

Hayley:
What?! Will he be okay?

Francine:
We don't know yet. They might drop down again someday, but the doctors say there's a good chance they'll just die up there, like a gut-torn rabbit in a wooden thicket.

Roger:
Wait. Hold on a second. I'm confused. Why the hell didn't you dicks show up to our balalaika concert?!

Stan:
[falsetto voice] I've got bigger problems right now than supporting your commie music!

[Hayley and Roger laugh]

Stan:
Stop! So what if I sound a little feminine?! Stop laughing, and treat me with the respect I deserve!

[Hayley and Roger laugh again]

Stan:
My voice is not that…

[dogs are heard barking faintly]

Stan:
Not that high.

[the barking grows louder]

Stan:
It's a little higher than usual.

[the barking grows even louder; the sound of banging against the door is heard]

[after hearing Stan sing Climb Ev'ry Mountain while still in his falsetto voice]

Roger:
Oh, my God! That was transcendent!

Klaus:
With you and your heavenly voice accompanying us, we'll skyrocket to the top of the ever-popular world music charts!

Hayley:
I say we reunite the band, but as a quartet! How 'bout it, Daddy?

Stan:
I suppose I could give it a try.

[the others cheer]

Stan:
Yeah, it'll be fun, right? I mean, it could be just what I need to get out of this living room. [suction pops off Stan's crotch; back in his normal voice] And back into life. [looks down] My boys just dropped!

Roger:
No! No! No!

Stan:
Thank God I'm back to normal! I don't have to settle for a life of singing with you idiots after all! [sings as he leaves] Swing low, sweet chariot…

Roger:
Ah, the hell with it.

[he, Hayley, and Klaus drop their instruments]

[Stan finds Francine and her mother in the kitchen cooking dinner]

Stan:
Francine, what the hell's goin' on in here? It should smell like turkey and stuffing, not a medley of longevity-inducing vegetables.

Francine:
Stan, this is my mom's famous stir-fry. I thought we could have it instead of sweet potatoes.

Stan:
But that's not Thanksgiving! I don't wanna see this tiny corn!

Mah Mah:
I don't wanna see your tiny corn. Put on some pants!

Stan:
I'm not changing the way I dress on this most American of days. This is traditional American Thanksgiving garb. You know how you guys always wear karate outfits? Well, this is Uncle Sam's version of that.

Stan:
[whistles] Here, Dixie Cup!

[his SUV pulls up to him]

Stan:
Easy, girl. Easy.

[he gets in his SUV and drives away]

Francine:
Hey, Banelli! You got a lot of nerve showin' up here!

Banelli:
So what? So what? It's a free world. So what?

Francine:
Excuse me, Stan. That's the bitch who gave all my ideas to Michael Crichton.

Snot:
Mom, who died?

[his uncle shows up]

Ira:
Schmuely.

Snot:
Uncle Ira? What are you doing here?

Ira:
How shall I put this? You're a child, and you're gonna remember this for the rest of your life. So I wanna make sure I say this right. YOUR DAD IS DEAD! HE'S DEAD!!!

[Hayley enters Steve's room; Steve is under a blanket fort on his bed]

Hayley:
Hey, buddy. [lifts the flap]

Steve:
It's called "Fortress of Solitude". Not "Fortress of Come on In".

Hayley:
Oh. Right. Star Trek Wars. [imitates lasers]

Steve:
Okay. Next I.D. is ready. Mike Rotch? I'm looking for Mike Rotch.

[Bart Simpson, right behind him, laughs]

[Stan, Roger, and Santa set off to find Steve and Krampus]

Stan:
Wow. Full moon tonight.

Roger:
Actually, once you get above the clouds, it's always a full moon.

Stan:
Is that true?

Roger:
Is any of this?

[last line]

Krampus:
[to the home audience] You better be good, boys and girls, or I'll beat you until blood's comin' from your ears and your eyes and your mouth. Merry Christmas! And from your ass.

Hayley:
[enters with something wrapped in a towel] You guys will not believe what's in this towel.

Stan:
A baby. A baby you gave birth to, and you didn't even know you were pregnant. It just popped out on the lawn. You thought you were just takin' a D on the lawn, but surprise! It wasn't a deuce. It was a baby, and it's in that towel. [taps the table] Show me that baby!

Hayley:
No. It's a raccoon.

[Roger awakens from his coma]

Francine:
Roger, thank God you're awake! You've been in a coma.

Roger:
Oh, my God! How long was I out? [holds up a beard] This long? [holds up a longer beard] Or this long?

Steve:
The first one.

[Roger puts on the shorter beard]

[Francine eats cookies while the other Smiths are preoccupied, until...]

Steve:
[sniffs] Mom's cinnamon cookies?!

Francine:
Terrific. No one cares about me. They just care about my cookies.

[Roy goes back into his cryogenic chamber]

Roy:
Oh, wait. I gotta go to the bathroom!

[but the door has already shut, and he gets frozen]

[just after his attempt to assassinate another terrorist has failed, Stan discovers that there are Gummi Bears instead of bullets in his rifle]

Stan:
Gummi Bears?! He replaced my bullets with Gummi Bears from the mini bar! That's gonna cost me $7! [walks up to the mini bar, which is riddled with cash] Oh. He left money. Well, I can't be mad about-- Wait! That's my money!

Stan:
[repeatedly tries to kill the IHOP terrorist] This is terrible! You're hurting us both almost equally! Nobody's winning here! This is awful! Aw, man! He's still reachin'! Aw, gee whiz! [repeatedly slams a tray on the terrorist] Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! [the terrorist is finally dead] [sighs] It's over.

Customer:
[sets to leave] I won't have what he's having.

Steve:
You know that beautiful girl Jenna I've kinda had my eye on?

Roger:
Is this the same girl whose picture you put in your pajama bottoms before you go to bed?

Steve:
You know about that?

Roger:
Who do you think takes your pajamas off at night?

Roger:
[after hitting Steve in the head (Roger's) with a vase] Aw, I shouldn't have hit him in the face. That's my face.

[Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi have lost the video game in which they were to stop Hitler's mother from giving birth to him]

Snot:
I know he's gonna be a monster, but I do love babies.

[after Stan has abandoned Steve and his friends in the woods]

Steve:
I can't believe my dad ditched us here.

Toshi:
[in Japanese] And he dishonored us by taking our cell phones.

Snot:
Guys, how long do you think we can last out here?

Barry:
I don't know. But if we're gonna die, I'm not goin' out a virgin.

[he hugs a nearby tree]

Snot:
Well, if trees count, then I'm Wilt Chamberlain.

[Stan looks at his reflection in the mirror after transforming into a woman]

Stan:
Oh, my God! Sir! Either I've gone crazy, or I've turned into a woman!

Bullock:
What's the difference?

[he and Stan laugh]

Stan:
Hey, screw you!

Bullock:
[points at Stan] See that woman over there? I'm going to rail her.

Bartender:
[rings a bell] Oh! We got one!

[other bartenders approach]

All bartenders:
[sing] You say you're gonna rail her.

We're really glad to hear.

And after you've completed,

she'll be grinning ear to ear! HEY!

Bullock:
I love the family atmosphere here.

Glass:
[on radio] Hello. I'm Ira Glass. With a $35 pledge, you can get the feeling... of paying for radio. It's an indescribable... sensation.

Artemis:
[shows Hayley a video demonstration] By precisely targeting a barrage of missiles your dad acquired for us, we'll reshape the contemptible fascists of Mt. Rushmore into history's greatest leftists!

Stan:
Sean Penn, Michael Moore, and Captain Planet.

Hayley:
Why didn't you change Jefferson?

Stan:
Well, he freed the slaves, so he stays.

Hayley:
Mom, hands. Eggs. Make.

Stan:
[to Francine] You! Hold it right there! [to Hayley] You! Make your own eggs! [to his reflection in the mirror] You! Stay beautiful.

Hayley:
[after the cab crashes] Did the cabbie survive?

Stan:
No. Damn fool was driving sober.

[after a giant inflatable gorilla breaks his fall and it deflates]

Stan:
'Twas beauty killed the beast.

[after his last attempt to remove the wine stain from the couch has failed, Roger lights a match and sets it on fire]

Roger:
[leaves the den] We need a new couch!

Thicke:
And the pappy goes to... my man, Stan Smith!

[Stan comes up on stage to accept his award]

Stan:
Thank you, Alan Thicke. This is amazing.

[suddenly, the background, which is the back of the garage door, opens up, revealing Thicke's wife in her car]

Thicke:
Honey, I told ya, I'm using the garage for my awards show! Park on the street!

Thicke's wife:
I'm so sick of this crap, Alan!

Thicke:
You're ruining my thing!

Army soldier:
It's come to our attention that your son's run out of options. The army'll take him.

Stan:
Get outta here, you damn vulture! [slams the door, then opens it again] Thank you for your service.

Hayley:
Jeez, Steve. 4 gallons of Lubriderm?

Steve:
You try living with Eczema.

Groban:
That ballad was supposed to be my Candle in the Wind, you dicks!

Steve:
[after Matt presents the Smiths with a new house to replace the burnt one] Did someone just drop a house on me?!

Jeff:
[as he and Sinbad cross through the wormhole to Earth] Wow! The wormhole! It's so beautiful, like staring into the face of God! It's unbelievable! We... are... INFINITE!!