Reno 911!, Season 5 Quotes

(The whole group is in the conference room except Dangle.)

Jones:
Who's your guys' best friend in the world?

Garcia:
Santa Claus?

Junior:
Yeah, that's what I was gonna say, Santa Claus.

Jones:
Nope. Jones is your best friend, 'cause guess who's got tickets to the game!

{Everyone cheers}

Jones:
We're going to University of Reno!

Williams:
To Jonesy! (everyone holds up their coffee mugs in a toast)

(Dangle enters skipping)

Dangle:
Hello, gang!

Williams:
Good morning!

Dangle:
Good morning indeed, very good morning indeed!

Williams:
Yes it is, yes it is.

Dangle:
I've been promoted!

All:
(unenthusiastically) What?

Williams:
Really?

Dangle:
I'm going up to Carson City. (everyone cheers) Going to Carson City: Nevada State Police Director of Public Relations, Jim Dangle!

(Everyone claps)

Dangle:
I'm goin', girl! And I made some reservations for Friday night, at Dan Swanky's, and thought maybe we could have a farewell dinner at Dan Swanky's at eight. I look forward to seeing you there and I'm going to miss you a whole lot of missing you all!

(Everyone grimaces:
the get-together is the same night as the game.)

Johnson:
...I think Saturday is a great day for Dan Swanky's.

Jones:
Yeah, I agree.

Dangle:
What part about my reservation at Dan Swanky's didn't I make clear? I mean, I made a reservation at eight on Friday.

Jones:
Sir, I, uh, I got us all tickets to the Lady Wolfpack, there's a final conference game and, well, this doesn't happen very often... sir.

Dangle:
It's mandatory. It's mandatory. How's that?

Jones:
Sir, I, uh, it's just...

Dangle:
Are we talking about the Lady Wolfpack still?

Jones:
I just...

Junior:
Could we for a second?

Dangle:
Hey, you know what's flying in? (makes helicopter sound) Oh. A period. To your fucking sentence about the Lady Wolfpack, just arrived.

[In regards to Inspector Smiley, an English transfer to the department for the day as part of the "Badges Across the Water" program.]

Dangle:
Smiley reminds me of someone from Mary Poppins... Not Vic, the Chimney Sweep, but another friend of Mary Poppins we never met.

Wiegel:
That's funny, because Smiley also reminds me of someone from Merry Poppins. Who, for instance, comes riding in on some sort of jaloppy with Whipped ices, and he says, "Come along, children, I have whipped ices!" And when they get close enough to him, he grabs 'em, and rapes the shit out of 'em, and then tosses them in the back seat, and then, off he goes. And then: "Chip chip cheerio!"

[Dangle is speechless.]

Travis:
Now that I've said that out loud, it sounds really stupid, so it probably isn't true.