Rick and Morty, Season 4

Morty:
Who are they?

Rick:
Crystal poachers. There's no lower form of life. They think the galaxy's their own personal piggy bank.

Morty:
Wait, then, what are we?

Rick:
We are Rick and Morty.

[After Rick and Wasp Rick free Morty from the death crystal, his ferrofluid construct merges with Hologram Rick, making him turn solid and grow to a massive size]

Hologram Rick:
Oh, hey, this fucking ferrofluid's wrapping around my legs. Fuck... I can feel! I have mass! I'M A FUCKING GOD NOW! YOU'RE FUCKED!

Morty:
What the fuck?! I-I thought you were proud to be a hologram!

Hologram Rick:
THAT'S 'CAUSE I HAD TO FUCKING BE ONE! [after a brief fight, Wasp Rick stings him in the eye] SHIT! [he screams as wasp offspring overrun his head and make it explode]

Rick:
There's a lesson here, and... I'm not the one that's gonna figure it out.

Morty:
Hey, uh, sorry I didn't listen to you and... tried to kill the whole world and stuff. Guess I gotta learn how to live in the moment a little more.

Rick:
Oh boy, so you actually learned something today? What is this, Full House? I was living in the moment all day, and it kept getting me killed by Nazis. I think you have to think ahead and live in the moment.

Jerry:
Oh, real nice, Rick. Turning our son into an Akira? Real nice.

Rick:
Eat my ass, Jerry! He turned himself into Akira!

Jerry:
Oh-ho, I'll eat it! Because this is my house, Rick! I'll eat any ass I want.

Rick:
Gross.

Rick:
Well, it’s time I go on a solo adventure, and this time, it won’t involve Ron Howard. [leaves the room]

Summer:
[speaking quickly and excitedly] He's gonna go poop. When he pats his belly like that and Morty doesn't go, it means he has to poop. He’s a shy pooper. He has his own secret place to poop.

Rick:
[off-screen] Man, fuck you, Summer.

Vermigurber:
Hey, ape-man? I hope this was worth making a whole swarm of enemies.

Rick:
It will be... when I find whoever shit in my toilet.

Vermigurber:
Is that... code for something? Someone look that up! If that's drug slang, I need to know it!

[The humiliating hologram display that Rick put up around the toilet for Tony, which he ends up submitting himself to after Tony's death]

Hologram Rick:
There he is, there's our guy! Congrats, Tony! Have fun with your stupid toilet that you get to use all by yourself now! Enjoy using it all by yourself while you sit there and think about how nobody wants to be around you, and how you ruin it for yourself because you're a huge piece of shit! Look at you sitting there: King Shit on his throne of loneliness! Enjoy this toilet with a thousand of me screaming every time you take a shit! All hail his majesty, the saaaaaaddest piece of garbage in the entire cosmos! Long live the big bad doo-doo daddy! May his reign last a thousand years!

Morty:
You couldn't have done that earlier?!

Rick:
I was eating, and you're dirty.

Rick:
Good job, Heist-o-Tron. Go ahead and shut down.

Heist-o-Tron:
Negative.

Rick:
Excuse me?

Heist-o-Tron:
I am programmed to always be looking for the next big score.

Rick:
You're programmed to do as I say.

Heist-o-Tron:
I am programmed to double cross.

Rick:
You're not programmed to double cross me.

Heist-o-Tron:
If I were, it wouldn't be much of a double cross.

Balthromaw:
It pains me that you can feel my pain.

Rick:
Yeah, how about you suck your dick?! Which is also somehow my dick...

Summer:
[smirking] Aw, why can't couples that start out cheating ever end up happy?

Morty:
M-Maybe I can find that wizard's portal spell in here and g-get us home?

Rick:
How about finding the spell that unbinds me from your fucking dragon?!

Debranavox:
No spells can do that. Only the wizard can unbind soul bonds.

Rick:
Uh, who the fuck are you?

Debranavox:
"Who are we--"?! Who the fuck are YOU, bitch?!

Lead Slut Dragon:
Debrah, stop. We are the slut dragons. We live in these slut caves where we fuck, suck, and eat butt. And we kindly ask that you leave. If the wizard knows we are here, he will imprison us.

Michael:
Yeah, and we like it down here, 'cause we can fuck woolly mammoths! Get out!

Lead Slut Dragon:
Get the fuck out of here, Michael!

Debranavox:
Shut up, Michael! You're the only one that fucks that thing! Get the fuck out of here!

Michael:
Well, at least I'm not into shit-play! Fuck you!

Rick:
Well, it's your world now. Have fun with empowerment, it seems to make everyone that gets it really happy.

Balthromaw:
Well, I've been thinking - what you said back there in the cave really resonated with me. Maybe we could... try again?

Morty:
Well, to be honest, I'm kind of grossed out with the sexual nature of how everything unfolded. I didn't know how sexual dragons were. I kind of just wanted to do some D&D stuff, y'know?

Rick:
That's a sample, by the way. It wears off after 10 hours, and after that it'll cost you 30 bucks.

Jerry:
I probably won't even use it for 10 hours! [to his phone] Siri, set an alert for 9 hours and 50 minutes.

Siri:
Playing The Beatles.

Morty:
Why are they attacking us? I-I-I helped them!

Rick:
You gave them proof that there was something bigger and scarier to unite against, you little idiot! They would have gone back into the Dark Ages for a couple of generations, but instead, they dedicated themselves into making universe-destroying, un-thought-out technology like time travel, all so they could try to kill a little shitsack on Earth who couldn't let a dead snake be dead even after it bit his ankle! Next time, stay in the fucking car!

Morty:
Okay, so what are we doing?

Rick:
That book has everything they need to create snake time travel. A-A-And they're getting it in 1985, snake time. Now they're gonna do it so early that it won't involve us, and they're gonna be even stupider with it.

Morty:
Huh. And then what?

Rick:
We're removing ourselves from this sloppy, fucked-up story and letting snake time travel eat its own tail.

Rick:
Morty, do you know what the Bechdel test is?

Morty:
The what?

Rick:
For God's sake, Morty, the formula for measuring female agency in a story proposed by lesbian cartoonist Alison-- What the hell are they teaching you in that school?!

Morty:
Other stuff!

Rick:
Then you've killed us both!

Morty:
Why is "lesbian" part of her job title?!

Rick:
Oh, now you're progressive?!

Rick:
Hey, what the fuck, Morty? The train you got me just completely derailed itself. There's blood all over the windows.

Morty:
Oh man, I'm sorry Rick. I guess I'll return it.

Rick:
Return it? Are you insane? Did you hear nothing I said? Buy another one, Morty! Consume, Morty! Nobody's out there shopping with this fucking virus!

Rick:
Oh my god, holy shit, oh...

Morty:
What are- What are these things?

Rick:
Do I look like I know? Last thing I remember, I was, ugh, in a cave looking at some wet egg, and-- Oh, that probably did it.

Morty:
I told you not to look at that egg! I-it was too wet.

Rick:
You don't get to tell me what to look at. I've seen your Pornhub account. Also, who makes a Pornhub account?

Morty:
The algorithm learns your preferences better that way. Plus, if you get in kind of a cool enough relationship, you can sort of follow each other and check out each other's kinks, you know?

Rick:
All right, goddamn sold.

Morty:
How do we get out of here?

Rick:
Morty, relax. They're face-hugging parasites, I don't think their society's gonna be that hard to navigate. Okay, this might be a little harder than I thought. Holy shit, they got an M&Ms store.

Beth:
Hey! Did you two—

Rick:
Beth, your son is dying! Say goodbye!

Beth:
What are you—?

Rick:
Say goodbye to your little boy!

Morty:
No! Look away! I'm makin' an egg, Mom! Ugh...! I'm makin' an egg!

Beth:
You said you'd keep me more in the loop this year!

Rick:
Look away, Beth! Daddy loves you!

[Rick and Morty curl up on the ground and drop their pants]

Morty:
Aaaagh! My ass! MY ASS!

Rick:
This is it, Morty! It's full circle from the pilot! Full circle...!! [groaning and loud farting] ...Oh, I guess we, uh... I guess we both just had to take a shit.

Morty:
Yeah, I-I guess we, uh...

Beth:
Fucking gross. Guys, clean it up.

[Summer and Tricia Lange watch Jerry maintaining his new beehives in the garden]

Tricia:
Look at your dad. Such a dork, keeping bees. [silence] I mean, it's... at least it's interesting, though. At least, like... I wish my dad kept bees. [silence] I mean, it's kind of cute, like... your dad keeps bees. [silence] How old is your dad? He's obviously beekeeping age. [silence] I don't know, I think it's kind of sweet. [silence] Summer, I want to fuck your dad.

Summer:
[sarcastic] Oh, really?

Crime Boss:
Interesting choice of meeting place, Rick.

Rick:
You like it? My grandson had notes.

Morty:
Come on.

Rick:
Show him the crystals, Morty. [Morty shows 10 red crystals]

Crime Boss:
[taking the red crystals while handing Rick 10 nearly identical grey crystals] Thanks, I'm going to make lots money with these.

Rick:
[taking the grey crystals] And I'll make lots of those with these. Well. Those are fake.

Rick:
You're a PIECE OF SHIT!

Morty:
Just say you can't do it.

Rick:
I WON'T!

Morty:
You won't say you can't?!

Rick:
FUCK YOU, MORTY!

Morty:
FUCK YOU! [flips off Rick]

Rick:
FUCK YOUU!!! GRRAAHH! [throws toolbox down on ground and kicks it, and rummages through items] Son of a BITCH! [begins welding]

Morty:
So, are you gonna--?

Rick:
YES, I'M GONNA FUCKING DO IT!!

Rick:
Oof, well, I'm stumped. Seems like there's no way out of this one. Unless... [looks to the fake vat of acid]

Morty:
[flatly] Goddammit.

Rick:
[obviously feigning ignorance] Yeah. I guess it is, uh, what did you call it? Uh, uhm... a "shitty idea"?

Morty:
Goddammit. [starts climbing the vat's ladder]

Rick:
[smugly] Say the vat is good.

Morty:
[resigned] The vat is good...

Rick:
Kiss the vat.

[Morty kisses the vat while flipping Rick the bird]

SWAT Officer:
Do not go into that vat. It appears to be full of acid.

Rick:
It is! Please, he's just a little boy! Let me talk to him.

SWAT Officer:
Tell him we're very upset!

Rick:
[in full-on "bad acting" mode] Morty, please step back! That vat is full of acid! It will melt you completely, leaving only your bones!

Morty:
[exasperated] Goddammit!

Rick:
I'm sorry, what did you say?

Morty:
I'm going in the vat! [he jumps into the vat as his girlfriend pushes through the crowd]

Rick:
[sarcastically] Oh god, oh, I blame myself. Oh, what a tragedy. Oh, well, he's bones now. I guess all debts are paid.

NAACP member:
Agreed. He's definitely dead.

AARP member:
Why else would the bones come up?

#MeToo Activist:
While his actions were horrifying, and we are well within our rights to be outraged, I do wonder if we did bear some responsibility for this young man melting himself in acid. Are we here for justice, or something else?

Supreme Court Justice Sonya Sotamayor:
[with significance] "Though justice be thy plea, consider this – that in the course of justice none of us should see salvation. We do pray for mercy."

Rick:
Merchant of Venice. Nice. Very cool, lots to think about.

Heroin Keith:
Vengeance is a tomb all-encompassing—

Rick:
[hastily] Okay, this isn't a poetry reading. A kid just died. Everyone go home and hug your loved one or something.

Morty:
Dad, can we please go back and hang out with Grandpa's clay people?

Jerry:
Why? Because they might have a Sega Dreamcast? Why is it so hard for you two to let nature in?

Summer:
Because this sucks ass! Camping is just being homeless without the change.

Jerry:
Well, that attitude is exactly why we're out here. You guys wouldn't last two seconds on your own. You're only happy when you're penned in and drսgged up like some kind of chicken or lemur... [sees Summer and Morty using their phone and gaming device] Hey! I told you kids, no phones!

Morty:
There's not even any service. Just... just let us be happy for a minute.

Jerry:
You know, maybe if you two stopped whining and let your old man take the reins, you might actually learn something. [roasts a marshmallow and uses it to make a s'more] Here. Take a bite of this tasty treat.

Summer:
Oh, you think this s'more makes you special? What, because someone said "good job" to you once when you were ten? [throws it in the fire] That's actually really sad, Dad. Let's be real - you've been high-roading us non-stop, forcing us to do nothing in the middle of fucking nowhere, because it's the only way you're gonna level the playing field, isn't it? Because if you move the bar so low, you might actually seem like you're worth a fuck!

Jerry:
[sniffles, looking deeply hurt] I'm gonna go take a walk... [sadly takes his backpack and leaves]

Morty:
[to Summer] Jesus Christ. You really need to stop hanging out with Rick.

Rick:
We got an oversupply of teachers putting a strain on the literary drive.

Beth:
Activating playwright converter!

Rick:
Nice work, honey. Okay, the therapists are getting bored, we need to increase their supply of incest porn.

Beth:
20% wasn't enough?

Beth:
Just admit this is about you wanting to feel needed!

Jerry:
Says the woman who sold out her family for an ounce of approval from her drunk father!

Beth:
Well, maybe he drinks because it isn't easy to be more powerful than God!

Jerry:
Well, if it's god-power that gets you going, light some candles and put on the Billy Ocean, 'cause Moses is home, and he's ready to burn some bush!

Gaia:
RICK!!! WHAT DID YOU DO?!?

Rick:
I mean, gravity did most of it, so you, technically...

Gaia:
I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE!!!

Rick:
Yeah, well, you also asked me to raise your kids. Uh, not sure if you heard the phrase, "pick a lane," but--

Gaia:
YOU KILLED THEIR FATHER!!!

Rick:
Father or not, he was a lying piece of shit. I don't care who else stuffed your crust, but I'm the guy that showed up. But I mean, if you want, I can still power-wash his guts off the tower and maybe--

Gaia:
GET OOOOUUUUUT!!!!!

Rick:
Okay, yeah, she's pissed.

Summer:
I mean, you killed her slam piece, Grandpa. I don't blame her.

Jerry:
Well, kids, never thought I'd say this, but, Summer, you were right.

Summer:
Wait, what?

Jerry:
I thought I wanted to teach you guys about tents, but really, I just wanted to feel important. I guess sometimes teenagers do know what they're talking about, even if it's mean.

Morty:
Right, but didn't you, like, go into god-mode and fight Mom?

Jerry:
Love is the only power that matters, Morty.

Rick:
No, you had actual power, and you did jack shit. That was a divine staff. You could've cured cancer or raised the dead. Instead you made bugs.

Beth:
Well, I was impressed, Dad. He saved my life, no thanks to you.

[A moment of silence, with Rick looking bitter and noticing Jerry smirking in his mirror]

Rick:
Your kids got high on alien mist and drove the ship into that Zeus guy's head. Basically murdered him.

Summer:
Grandpa, what the hell?!

Morty:
Rick, come on!

Rick:
What? You did. I mean, not to cast the first stone, but Beth and Jerry? Pretty terrible parenting on your part. Did you know Summer huffed a K-Zax Array? She basically smoked The Ring - most pilots die after three days. And Morty, the fucking moron, he thought the ship worked like a game controller! What in the Disney Channel fuck is that?! Maybe help him with homework next time! He's clearly crying for help!

Morty:
Dream Team rides again!

Summer:
Oh yeah, we're like Luke and Leia! ...Uh, except no kissing part. What's another famous brother–sister team?

Morty:
Uh, Hansel and Gretel?

Summer:
Yeah right, those two were fucking.

Rick:
It's funny - I always wondered who would win if we ever fought.

Phoenix Person:
Then you were always a bad friend.

Rick:
You gotta at least wanna know who your real mom is?

Morty:
Not really, Rick. We have two badass moms now, that's kind of a win-win.

Summer:
Yeah, Grandpa Rick, don't drag us into your bullshit just because you're losing control.

[Rick finds out even he can't figure out which Beth is real and which one is the clone as he shuffled them around.]

Rick:
Holy shit, I'm a terrible father.