Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Season 4

Frylock:
Shake? [Music is blaring loudly from a well in the Aqua Teen's front yard] Shake, what the..? Yo, Shake!

[music turns off]:

Master Shake:
Hello? Is that you, Frylock?

Meatwad:
When did we get a well?

Frylock:
What are you doing down there?

Master Shake:
I was just going to get some water for the village. But I must have slipped, and I blacked out. [He pokes his head out of the well] Where's the women?

Frylock:
Where did this well come from?

Meatwad:
Hey, Frylock. Where the 'hell' did we get this 'well?'

Frylock:
Meatwad, you watch your mouth.

Meatwad:
Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.

Master Shake:
C'mon. The 'Old-abandoned-well?' F.., read the press release!

Frylock:
[Reading off the back of a picture of Shake] 'Man falls down 'Old-abandoned-well.'

Meatwad:
Hey, Frylock … ass!

Frylock:
Meatwad!

Master Shake:
There's only a limited number of those, so, uh, put it back when you're done.

Frylock:
Oh, I am done.

Master Shake:
[There is a beeping noise heard from the well] And, so is my dinner.

Meatwad:
Somethin' smells like chili!

Frylock:
He's right.

Master Shake:
For the first time in his mealy, friggin' little life! Turns out there's an 'old-abandoned-microwave' where I got stuck. With chili, food, couple magazines. So, call channel five, get them broads over here, and tell them about the tragedy of my trappedness. Work in to it, though. Build it up. [He goes back into the well] Hot women only!

Meatwad:
[Holding a hose down the well] Turn this ass-monkey on, full blast!

Frylock:
Will you quit sayin' ass!

Meatwad:
I just ASSed you to do somethin' for me.

Frylock:
Meatwad, you watch your mouth.

Meatwad:
I said 'ask!' Blast-hole.

Meatwad:
(notices the dirtfoot of the couch) Hey, who's this ol' boy?

Master Shake:
Oh, that's my roomate, more like 'doom-mate'.

Frylock:
That's the legendary dirt monster Dirtfoot.

Master Shake:
Oh, don't even look at him.

Meatwad:
You're kidding, the Dirtfoot.

Master Shake:
Yeah, thanks for not rinsing out your dishes in the sink Dirtfoot, that's really legendary of you.

Frylock:
I always thought Dirtfoot was just a hoax.

Master Shake:
Oh, no, he is real.

Meatwad:
He's very real.

Master Shake:
And he likes to leave his very real, giant sock, draped over the couch like a freakin' Afgahn, so that others may enjoy the serenity, of his 2000 year old footsweat! (He kicks the couch and Dirtfoot growls at him). Let's, ah, move over here. (He leads Frylock and Meatwad to the kitchen). This guy is driving me ape shit.

Frylock:
Well, why don't you just evict him? I mean, it's your well isn't it?

Master Shake:
Shut up, man. (He covers Frylock's mouth and looks over at Dirtfoot). Um, because he hurts me.

Meatwad:
Well, I always heard that Dirtfoot was kind of a...

Master Shake:
Here we go. What Meatwad what.

Frylock:
Well, legend says that Dirtfoot was...you know, kind of a asshole.

Master Shake:
(Runs over to Dirtfoot). You see, I'm not the only one! (But then Dirtfoot gets up ans looks at him angrily). No, don't! (Dirtfoot kicks him in the stomach). It wouldn't be much of a problem except he keeps kicking in the exact same spot.

Frylock:
Well, Shake, I've seen him, we got to go.

Master Shake:
Okay, but before you go, please, get some chicks? I got receptio down here. (Dirtfoot kicks him of screen and the elevator closes and Frylock smiles). Why must you kick?

Meatwad:
It's okay, Shake, because whoever you decide that you are, I still gonna love you. But just not in a gay way, because God makes all people in different sizes and shapes and problems, but he only makes the people he hates gay. That's you. You it, boy. You gay!

Master Shake:
No, I'm not! You don't know me! *runs off upset*

Meatwad:
Hey Frylock, what does that gay mean?

Shake:
So, what's going on? Anything?

Meatwad:
Livin' large, boy...

Shake:
YOU... you take the handicap rail, because you... handicapped... uh, mentally.

Meatwad:
Yeah... you a sissy.

Shake:
YOU'RE THE SISSY, YOU STUPID...!

[Carl is commenting on Shake and Dirtfoot's relationship to reporters]

Carl:
Oh yeah, they've been pretty much common-law married for years. It's cool, I don't have a problem with that. I'm fine with it. I don't think it's, you know, constitutional. But, you know, they do whatever they want, as long as they ain't flaunting it out in my yard or nothing, 'cause, you know...[Intensely] I'm a man.

Old Woman:
Sir, I'm so sorry, but I think I hit your dog...

Frylock:
That's... not a dog.

Old Woman:
...with my swords.

Frylock:
[Reading a bill from their mailbox] All right, let me see what we got here, hmm, bill … $2,600 … $2,600! What the … ! [Meatwad slams the front door and locks it] Hey! Hey, open the dam door!

Meatwad:
[Meatwad is using the hair dryer] What?

Frylock:
Open the damn door man!

Meatwad:
What?

Frylock:
Open the door!

Meatwad:
Oh, wait... what?

Frylock:
Will you open the door!

Meatwad:
Oh, okay. [Turns off hair dryer and opens door] Sorry I was featherin'

Frylock:
Featherin'? Featherin' what?

Meatwad:
My hair boy!

Frylock:
You don't have hair! [Meatwad begins to cry] Okay, okay, Meatwad I'm sorry, you have hair, you have beautiful, sticky, wet hair.

Meatwad:
[Stops crying] Why thank you. Don't mess with it.

Frylock:
Uh, Shake, you wanna tell me how the hell we have a $2,600 power bill?

Master Shake:
No, I don't!

Master Shake:
[to Frylock] You understand what I'm talking about, you're black. [silence] You sound black. [silence] ...Where you from?

Master Shake:
Josh! Yeah, yeah I know. Sorry for the mix up pal. I do, yes. I do like my balls. No, there is absolutely no need to hand them to me in front of the New York sales team. I--yes. You got it. Okay, buddy. You sound thinner, did you lose weight? Okay, thanks. Bye. ...shmuck.

Frylock:
What're you wearing?

Master Shake:
Bling blong, baby! It represents my lifestyle and status as a street-savvy irreverant youth who lives large, yet hungers for the next level in life. You know, Boost Mobile is the premium "yoth foucoused" communication network and instant gateway to opportunities. [chirp] That's the chirp! I gotta take this. Hey, where you at dawg?! What?! Eh, "yoth foucoused", "youth focused"...

Shake:
I want you to listen to something.

Boost Mobile Phone:
Chirp.

Shake:
You hear the "chirp"? Isn't that clear?

Carl:
Isn't it clear that I'm gonna just completely fuck your ass up if you don't take three steps back?

[Master Shake stares blankly at Carl.]

Carl:
It's not, is it? You just look at me. Look at him lookin' at me-

Shake:
But you can make and receive cellular calls with this! Give it to him!

Boost Mobile Phone:
Where you at, dog?

Shake:
See?

Carl:
I'm on my land. We're both in America, which used to be a good country, until they started lettin' people like you do whatever you want.

Boost Mobile Phone:
Hey dog, where you at?

Shake:
See?

Carl:
See this!

[Carl points at the dividing line between his neatly trimmed and the Aqua Teens' not-so-neatly-trimmed yards.]

Carl:
This line, here? Line of Death. You cross it, and your freedoms no longer exist. Um-kay? Have a good day.

Frylock:
You whored us out to some cell phone company!

Master Shake:
You say that like it's a bad thing

Frylock:
It is

Master Shake:
But when you do it, it's great.

Master Shake:
Where you goin dog?

Frylock:
Well I'm gonna...roll...with my homies...on Lakeshore. Yeah, that's right.

Master Shake:
That's just where we were goin!

Frylock:
And if we have time, we might even....get some hoes.

Meatwad:
(on the roof) And snuggle with 'em and give 'em a kissy-kiss. Cuz they's good girls, even though they hoes.

Master Shake:
(to boost mobile phones) Come on dogs, let's roll!

2nd Boost Mobile Phone:
Bitches and hoes baby!

(the two phones fall into a pitfall trap)

Frylock:
Now Meatwad!

Meatwad:
Uuuggh! (throws a huge boulder on the pitfall)

Master Shake:
NOOOOOOO!!

Frylock:
YES! Now let's go inside and get some SLEEP!

Master Shake:
Well, at this point my checks have cleared, so my hands are unfortunately tied at this point. You realize I'm an action hero?! I don't have time for this crap! YES, I said crap! [Throws down the phone]

[More than ten Boost Mobile phones materialize outside, looking very angry]

Boost Mobile Phone:
Hey, DOG! WHERE YOU AT?!

Boost Mobile Phone 2:
Where you at, dog?!

Master Shake:
Woah! You do have molecular transporters! [The phones start hopping closer, drawing switchblades; Shake laughs nervously] Downloadable switchblades! That's a new feat-OH NO!

[The Boost Mobile phones charge into the house, tackling Shake and slamming the door behind them; Frylock and Meatwad stand out in the yard and listen]

AXE Spray Can:
Hey! It's AXE Body Spray! Where are the girls?

Meatwad:
Naw, there ain't no girls here. Can I help you, though?

AXE Spray Can:
[Looking uncertainly between Frylock and Meatwad] Uh, yeah. Are you the milkshake guy...?

Frylock:
Uh, no. He's down there.

Meatwad:
Gettin' his ass WHUPPED ON!

AXE Spray Can:
Is that gonna be long?

Meatwad:
All NIGHT! Can I get you somethin'?

AXE Spray Can:
No, no, I'm good. I'm in the credits.

Master Shake:
[to a woman] Baby, I want us to grow old together. Have babies - BABY. One. One baby. I hate kids. But I know you love 'em. But alright, I'll let you out of your box to feed it. Or maybe we could just cut some holes in the box. You read me baby? Hey, come over here.

[she obliges]

Master Shake:
All right. Now fellate me, as I eat this expensive ham.

[woman slaps him]

Ignignokt:
Word up, bitch. We're scoring big with your wheels.

[Ignignokt drops the sign that was on Carl's car]

Ignignokt:
This however, [drops the sign] is your problem.

[sign reads "Up For Crabs"]

Carl:
For the record, it's supposed say I'm "Up For Grabs."

Meatwad:
It don't.

Carl:
But I do have crabs, you guys knew that though.

Master Shake:
When we showed this to audiences in the Mall of America, their responses were varied. Ludicrous was a word that we heard. Uh, deplorable. That was one. Unwatchable! Hehe. Yeah. But all in all, they were good.

Meatwad:
When I was at that mall, this security guard took me down to the bathroom and said "This is how you don't touch people." and I says "What?", and (Shake gapes at him in horror) … I shouldn't have said that, should I?

Master Shake:
Are you... Are you serious?

Meatwad:
Okay, let's roll a clip from "Meatwad's... Disco Safari... P-Party Explosion". (turns on projector, revealing Meatwad playing with his dolls, upbeat music playing in the background)

Meatwad on film:
Uh uh uh uh. Come on, now. Give it up, now. You got it, you got it, you got it girl, go on. Come on now. (Shake cocks a shotgun, then shoots the screen)

Meatwad:
Oh man, come on now!

Master Shake:
Yeah. Well. I liked the explosion part.

Meatwad:
That's bad!

Master Shake:
It's real. It's gritty. And it's gone.

Meatwad:
That's all right, that's all right. I dubbed it.

Master Shake:
Heheh. Hey! Here's a commercial. That I-also produced. I made it. I make a lot of them. (fades to black)

Master Shake:
Ah, Carl, you found a little prop gun for yourself.

Carl:
No, no, no, it's not a prop gun, it's a shotgun. They use it for uh, for death.

Carl:
[reading from his prize slip] "Tonight you will get your dick ripped off." ...That doesn't sound right, does it? Here, read this.

Frylock:
[reading] "Tonight you will get your dick ripped off..."

Carl:
Is that a prize, or...?

Frylock:
I think you might wanna go the manager about this one, Carl.

Master Shake:
No, no, no, don't do that! Can't you read? He's the guy who rips it off!

Rice Mascot:
So, who's gonna get their dick ripped off tonight?

Rice Mascot:
[to Meatwad] Who won it little man?

Rice Mascot #2:
'Cause someone's dick is comin' with me tonight!

Master Shake:
Next door, and SHUT UP!

Frylock:
Shake!

Master Shake:
I'M TRYIN' TO WATCH THIS SHOW, WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP? GOD!

Frylock:
(opens door for Rice Mascots as they leave) Goodbye!

Shake:
[to Carl] Hey Carlina! Wow.

Carl:
Oh yeah I get it. You knock me out, dress me like a woman and then take pictures of me. Laughs on me huh?

Frylock:
Well you see Carl heh.. uh.. you're not just dressed like a woman.

Carl:
Oh do go on please.

Frylock:
Well, it's pretty simple really. I removed your dick so no one will have no need to remove it.

Carl:
[Carl's crotch begins to bleed] So the giant blood stain is uh... is that me having my period I guess? He he.

Frylock:
Could be. Or it could be just the spot where I snipped your dick off.

Meatwad:
You're taking this pretty good, Carl. Kudos.

Rice Mascot:
Every cup's a weiner!

Rice Mascot #2:
One in three chance of getting your dick ripped off.

Master Shake:
Ding dong, the dick is dead, Carl!

Frylock:
Apparently, Carl, when you bought that medium drink, you entered a binding contract that enables them to rip off your dick.

Mr. Wong Burger:
Probably needs just a couple more dick rotors... Maybe a dick wheel or two.

Rice Mascot:
Yes, Mr. Wong Burger.

Mr. Wong Burger:
And, uuhhh, do we have to fill it up with some dicks.

Rice Mascot:
Yes, we go a full tank of dicks!

Mr. Wong Burger:
Full tank, good, good, good. Wall to wall dick carpeting?

Rice Mascot:
Yes, you've mentioned that. Mr. Wongburger.

Rice Mascot:
The dicks won't hold together, Mr. Wongburger!

Rice Mascot #2:
We're gonna have to these dicks with something. Maybe with like, a dick.

Mr. Wong Burger:
Are you telling me that I don't know dick? If anyone knows how to build a ship out of dicks, it is me!

Rice Mascots:
Yes Mr. Wong Burger.

Mr. Wong Burger:
Because I am King Dick!

Rice Mascot:
Close the dick gate!

Mr. Wong Burger:
What are you doing touching my dicks?

Frylock:
You can't just go running around ripping off other people's dicks, to make a giant dick ship.

Mr. Wong Burger:
I have an advanced dick-ree in dick-nology!

Frylock:
You're a mad man, Wong Burger; this ship will never fly!

Mr. Wong Burger:
Well how else am I supposed to get home?

Frylock:
Call someone to pick you up!

Mr. Wong Burger:
...I will.

Carl:
You think, uh, maybe I could, uh, get my dick back? Oh, wait, you know what, maybe you should keep my dick...so you could, uh, hump yourself!

Master Shake:
Technically, that would not be, uh, doing yourself, just for the record.

[Carl finds his genitals in a trashcan outside.]

Carl:
Is that it? Is that mine? 'Course it is, it's got that curve to the left.

Rice Mascot:
You don't think they're... dicking around over there, do ya?

Mr. Wong Burger:
I doubt it. They're professional dick hunters. They crave dick...as we all do.

Master Shake:
Hydration is essential. [sips loudly from his drink] Oh, that's good. [sips] And I need 85 [long and annoying sip] gallons of soda per day, and plus, [two annoying sips] It comes with an edible handtruck. [Nibbles on the wheel of the handtruck] The tires ny'are chocolate!

Meatwad:
You know what? I want a dog.

Frylock:
Well, let's go make one.

Master Shake:
Frylock, I want some money.

Frylock:
Well, then get a job!

Master Shake:
He gets t-(stutters). He gets what he wants. "Just make it for him!"

Master Shake:
Have you seen what they're doin' back there?

Carl:
What are you talkin' about? Back where?

Master Shake:
… I'm tellin'.

Carl:
Tellin' on who? Or what?

Master Shake:
Meatwad and Frylock. They told me not to tell anyone, but I'm tellin' you.

[Frylock and Meatwad are making a dog in Carl's pool]

Meatwad:
It ain't workin'.

Frylock:
Oh, let's see.

Meatwad:
I'm gonna break it.

Frylock:
Oh, you're supposed to add DNA.

Meatwad:
What's a DNA?

Carl:
It stands for: Do Not, uh.... enter my pool... Ass man."

Master Shake:
See, see what they're doing? I don't know he even knows!

Frylock:
Carl, do me a favor and spit in that pool.

Carl:
Oh, you mean my pool?

Meatwad:
Oh, is this your pool?

Carl:
Yeah, it is.

Meatwad:
Can I go swimming?

Carl:
No, you may not!

Master Shake:
How about if I swim in it?

Carl:
No!

Meatwad:
Well, do you mind if we make a dog in it?

Carl:
Yeah, I do mind. Very much, if that's cool.

Master Shake:
Yeah, he does mind!

Frylock:
You haven't been using it!

Carl:
That's not the point.

Master Shake:
He's going to very soon!

Carl:
Just because I haven't been using it doesn't mean like..... here, turn it into a dog laboratory!

Hand Banana:
(music suddenly becomes intense) Tonight... you.

[Hand Banana has entered Carl's house]

Carl:
What the hell? No, no, no, no. Bad boy, bad boy, you live over there. Go-go back to the freaks.

Hand Banana:
(music suddenly becomes intense) Who're you callin' boy? My name's Hand Banana.

Carl:
What, you-you talkin' to me here?

Hand Banana:
No, not anymore. [slams front door shut] We're done talkin'.

Carl:
Hang on, let me bend over and pick this thing up here. [As he bends down to pick up his remote control, Hand Banana anally rapes Carl] Hand Banana, no!

[Hand Banana is a pastry chef]

Master Shake:
Well I'll tell you what, as long as I get these muffins, I don't give a crap what he does. He's a winner in my book. In fact, I'm gonna make a couple of dogs tonight. Start a restaurant with 'em, call it "Dogs". I'm gonna work on that name, too, because that does not seem good to me.

Meatwad:
There's a Hand Banana. Good boy.

Carl:
Oh, he's not a boy anymore... he's a man. 'Cause he just raped me!

Hand Banana:
Do you think you could back that up?

Carl:
Listen to this guy, "can back that up"... I got bruises to prove it!

Hand Banana:
No, no. I mean that ass. Back it up... yeah.

Carl:
Do you hear what he's saying here?!

Hand Banana:
Sound like someone wants to get raped again!

[Frylock doesn't believe that in one day Hand Banana could learn the English language.]

Hand Banana:
See? All I know is "ball" and "good"... and "rape."

Meatwad:
I'm sorry Carl, but I think that you need to leave. You upsettin' Hand Banana.

Carl:
Heh heh, yeah, well, you know, he "upset" me pretty bad too. I don't know if I can sleep anymore. You ever been raped by a dog?

Meatwad:
Uh uh.

Carl:
See, I think that's what Hell is like, you know. Constantly raped by dogs.

Frylock:
Carl—

Carl:
That, you know, I don't know if I believe in God, but.. I think he must hate me.

Frylock:
Carl—

Carl:
Because he allowed you to create a dog that constantly rapes me.

[about Hand Banana, who, unbeknownst to Carl, is faking Frylock's voice, and listening to Carl]

Carl:
He's a friggin' menace! And, uh, you know, technically, he's supposed to be spayed, and uh, he ain't that. [scoffs] I know that first hand. Go ahead, ask me how I know. Go ahead. Ask me. Ask me how I know.

Carl:
Oh man, that is a load of my mind … knowin' that rapist is gone. Man, feel good out here, just might uh, get nude. [Drops his pants] Shine some sun, where 'da sun don't shine, you know what I mean? Hehehe, long past the point of caring on this.[sits naked face-down on lawn-chair]

Hand Banana:
[enters Carl's backyard] (music suddenly becomes intense) You, uh, basting that turkey today?

Carl:
Huh, what's that?

Hand Banana:
Think its time to take your temperature... see if the meat's just right... [Handbanana leaps onto Carl's butt and starts to brutally anal rape Carl]

Carl:
[screaming] NO!! NOOOO!!!!!

[Carl is already making his own dog, while trying to explain his revelation to Hand Banana, who is still raping him]

Carl:
See, you don't know what rape is like. For years, I thought it was funny. 'Oh, yeah. Rape's so funny.' Until you've been raped. You're about to find out what that's like, Hand Banana.

Hand Banana:
Hey, let's think about this.

Carl:
Oh, we're done thinking. 'Cause, see, every time I think, you're there... haunting my dreams!

Hand Banana:
Come on, now. I'll be good.

Carl:
No, see, I don't think that you can, but I'll show you how to be good! Hand Banana, I want you to meet … the Enforcer.

Spaghetti:
I want my name to be "Spaghetti".

Carl:
All right, Spaghetti. Whatever, I don't care. Just, you know, just do what I tell ya.

Spaghetti:
What the hell are you lookin' at?

Carl:
I'm your father, I just made you.

Spaghetti:
[laughing] I got your father right here! Heheheh, I got your daddy!

Carl:
All right, enough talkin' with the dogs, here.

[From their house, the Aqua Teens watch Spaghetti and Hand Banana rape Carl.]

Master Shake:
Wow. You don't see that every day.

[Shake and Meatwad are watching a guitar lesson videotape.]

Master Shake:
God!...Look at him rip!...His fingers go from here to China, man! It's like a skeletal boardwalk across the ocean!

Meatwad:
What are you makin'?

Frylock:
A time machine.

Meatwad:
That's dumb.

Frylock:
Really?

Meatwad:
Yes.

Frylock:
Well, Mr. Smartypants, have you ever gone back in time?

Meatwad:
I farted my way out of an elevator.

Frylock:
That's not the same thing.

[Shake is about to stick his hands in a bee's nest to make them bigger.]

Master Shake:
This is totally gonna work.

Meatwad:
Okay, I'm inside and I got your doors and windows closed. Go on and do it.

Master Shake:
Roger that.

[Shake sticks his hands into the nest.]

Meatwad:
How does that feel?

Master Shake:
I can feel them getting bigger.

Meatwad:
They-they look like they getting you in the eyeballs too.

Master Shake:
Well, I know that. If I rip any solos with my eyeballs, I'm gonna need the bee's venom to enlarge them. You know, otherwise I get on stage looking like a big asshole, and I am not that.

Andrew W.K.:
[Jumps out from offside and begins singing 'Party Party Party']

Master Shake:
All right!! Andrew W.K, live in our living room!!

[They follow Frylock down the hall to his room, where he shuts the door on them.]

Carl:
Oh God. He looks like he's dead already.

Frylock:
[through the door] Thanks, Carl. 'Preciate that.

Master Shake:
I think the problem was the song. You got any other, uh, you know, uh, happier...songs about partyin'?

[Frylock is in his room resting when Andrew jumps in and sings again.]

Master Shake:
Hey! Let's party! P-p-p-party tonight!

Frylock:
Will you all get the funk out of here? [coughs] Look, my doctor says I need to get as much rest as possible so please...

[Andrew walks out.]

Shake:
Yeah! Get the funk outta here! [Frylock looks at shake annoyed.] And I am now leaving as well. [Walks out and closes door.]

Meatwad:
What did your doctor say?

Frylock:
He says I have cancer.

Meatwad:
Well did you... did you tell him that you don't?

Frylock:
Meatwad, I'm afraid it doesn't work that way.

Master Shake:
MAGAZINE WAR!! (Throws a magazine at Meatwad)

Meatwad:
(Returning fire) "Better Homes and Gardens" 1! Fire!

Master Shake:
Eat my "Redbook"!

Meatwad:
"Better Homes and Gardens" 2!

Frylock:
(Finishing time machine) That's it! Now, who wants to make history and go back in time?

Master Shake:
(staring at a scorpion on the floor) Yeah, we're busy

Meatwad:
Eat it

Master Shake:
YOU eat it

Frylock:
You could meet president Lincoln!

Master Shake:
Lincoln's dead!

Meatwad:
I'll eat it.... if you eat it

Master Shake:
All right, deal! Wait a minute... how are you gonna eat it after I eat it?

Meatwad:
Look, you eat it, then I go back in time to before the time that you eat it, then I'll eat it

Master Shake:
Okay. (Eats scorpion)

Meatwad:
What did your doctor say?

Frylock:
He says I have cancer.

Meatwad:
...well, did you tell him that you don't?

Frylock:
I'm afraid it doesn't work that way, Meatwad.

[Frylock sees Master Shake laying on the floor.]

Frylock:
What's, uh, what's wrong with him?

Meatwad:
Oh, he's dead. Dumbass ate a scorpion.

Carl:
Oh God. Looks like he's dead already.

Frylock:
Thanks Carl. I appreciate that.

Master Shake:
Gentlemen, we have a time machine, and this is the key to Frylock's health. We can break it apart, light it on fire, and smoke the cancer out!

Meatwad:
Well, don't smokin', like, cause cancer?

Master Shake:
That has never been proven.

Meatwad:
I'd get me a physical.

Frylock:
Oh, really? And who's your doctor?

Meatwad:
Dr. John. Ol-Olivia N-Newton John. [Dancing] I get physical, physical. On ya face, boy, on ya face. [Laughs]

Master Shake:
(duct-taped to a rocket, talking to Frylock) Hey! Time to destroy the sun, right now buddy, and it's ALL for you baby! FRYLOCK FOREVER! Light it up, Meatwad!

Meatwad:
Already done it, like 5 minutes ago.

Master Shake:
Wait! I need my goggles! I need my UV ray gogg- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BLAST OFF!! (the rocket explodes)

Doctor:
Well, uhh... we got your bloodwork back...

Frylock:
And?

Doctor:
No apparent traces of cancer in the lymph nodes

Frylock:
Oh, God, thank you! You have no idea how great that is to hear!

Doctor:
But, uhhh... listen..... Aliens

Frylock:
What?

Doctor:
Yeah, the aliens are coming. For us, you and I. That's why we must merge as one, together to defeat them, and their lasers.... (aliens fly into the room, shooting lasers, and carry the doctor away)

Carl:
Hey Fryman. I got this post-it-note that was left on the curb for me. "Thanks for car. M.S."

Frylock:
Oh man.

Carl:
Yeah.

Frylock:
Ah I'm sure it'll be back.

Carl:
Ya think? That'd be so thoughtful.

[Master Shake and Meatwad call Frylock from prison]

Frylock:
(Yawn) Hello?

Meatwad:
Hello.

Frylock:
Hello?

Meatwad:
Hello.

Frylock:
Hello?

Meatwad:
... Hello.

Frylock:
Hellloo?

Meatwad:
Hellloo.

Frylock:
I'm here!

Meatwad:
Oh, O.K. Ahh, hey man... How's it going?

Frylock:
Do you know what time it is?

Meatwad:
Do you? Because it's, it's 4.20 somewhere! I know that!... Ain't that the phrase?

Frylock:
Are you drunk?

Meatwad:
Mmmmhmmmm

Master Shake:
Gimmie that phone! Look, before I start speaking don't even think about getting angry, because if you do, I swear, I will hang up on you!

Frylock:
Shake what is it? What's wrong?

Master Shake:
O.K. Your jumping in already, O.K. We, we got into a little bit of trouble.

Meatwad:
Tell him nothing's wrong.

Master Shake:
But let me preface by saying, we were framed.

Frylock:
What?

Master Shake:
We were just the guys that happened to be there!

Meatwad:
We were framed!

Master Shake:
It was a total set up!

Frylock:
Allright, What was a set up?

Master Shake:
Wow, now why would I talk to somebody who speaks to me in that tone?

Frylock:
Will you just tell me what it is you did wrong?

Master Shake:
Oh what? You think do er... everything right?

Frylock:
O.K. I see what's happened here. You got another D.U.I didn't you?

Meatwad:
Hang up on his ass.

Frylock:
I'm gonna have to bus down there! O.K?

Master Shake:
I'm gonna have to take the bus from now on permanently, according to what some guy told me. And I ain't riding that cheese box. It's a major deterrent, for the women!

Meatwad:
Women will not kiss you on the bus.

Frylock:
O.K. Look, it's gonna take me a while.

Meatwad:
Hang up on his ass.

[Carl is trying to sell jerseys to Frylock]

Carl:
Don't worry about this rip. I just uh accidentally ripped it pulling it out of the box.

Frylock:
Are the "Gnats" a team?

Carl:
Nah. "Gnats"? What da freak- it's supposed to be the Giants! I friggin' told them immigrants! No wonder, they cut me a deal. What a deal! They probably don't even have giants in their country; they're so freakin' tiny. Look at this crap. Half of them dissolved in the box.

Frylock:
Well, you know what they say "you get what you pay for."

Carl:
I tell ya what: how 'bout I take 20% off.

Frylock:
How 'bout no.

Carl:
Aw c'mon man, I seen you flyin' around so fast. People won't even notice, right? High-five football fan.

Frylock:
I really don't like sports Carl.

Carl:
… Oh yeah? Well, you're a fag!

[Carl is reminiscing with the spirit of Bart Oates]

Bart Oates:
[Bart holds up one of Carl's jerseys] The "Gnats"?? What is this Carl?

Carl:
Oh, that? It's just, uh, it's a tribute! To your majesty.

Bart Oates:
Carl, by doing this you're taking food out of NFL player's mouths!

Carl:
I'm sorry, Bart … but, dude! I followed your whole Pro Bowl season back in '90. You had a sack prevented index, it's like 0.9! It's ridiculous! Your blocking ratio is like 4-to-1. You were playing out of your mind that season! [in a disgusted tone] And then 1994, you frickin' signed with the 'Niners. [sadly] You broke my frickin' heart, Bart. [angrily] You pancaked it!

Bart Oates:
I was there when you destroyed my poster, and you said, "I hope he gets injured."

[Flashback to Carl back in 1994]

Carl:
Enjoy San Francisco, pansy! [Carl rips his Bart Oates poster in half] [angrily] I hope you tear your ACL, jackass!!

[Back to present day]

Carl:
I said that?

Bart Oates:
Three years later, I had knee surgery, and I had to retire, Carl.

Carl:
So, I, I made you, like, have knee surgery by saying that?

Bart Oates:
In a way, yes, you did.

Carl:
That's awesome. [pause] I mean, I'm sorry in retrospect, but that's so awesome I was able to do that! I hate the 'Niners!

[Shake and Meatwad are in a holding cell]

Meatwad:
Hey, my man over here. He wants a daiquiri now. He says I got ta smuggle one back in...up my butt hole.

Master Shake:
Oh … the fresh or the mix?

Meatwad:
Fresh.

Master Shake:
Oh God, that would be so cold.

[Carl doesn't want Frylock to see the spirit of Bart Oates]

Frylock:
Hey Carl. What's up?

Carl:
Oh crap. Hide.

Frylock:
Hide? From what?

Carl:
From uh …

Bart Oates:
Just play it off as a joke.

Carl:
...From uh, you know … black people've been runnin' around here.

Bart Oates:
… That's not really a joke Carl.

Carl:
Oh c'mon man, I'm tryin'.

Frylock:
OK, Carl, I felt really bad about your car, so I brought you some fresh parsley and oregano from my herb garden.

Carl :
Oh, great. Weeds. This will help me get to the strip club.

Carl:
Where's my frickin' car?!?

Frylock:
Well, it's kinda been impounded.

Carl:
What?!? [Carl grabs Frylock and starts drowning him in his pool] You tell me right now, Fry Man, where my frickin' car is, or I'm going to rip that paper box head of yours in half!

Bart Oates:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy Carl. You don't want a penalty for roughing the neighbor. I mean, that's fifteen yards and that hurts the team.

[Carl lets go of Frylock]

Frylock:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, Carl!

Carl:
It's okay, I'm not mad. OK? [angrily, but showing restraint] So, uh, where's my f-ing car, please, sir?!

Master Shake:
Carl! Well, well, well … look who's off to the slammer!

Carl:
I bailed you out, dumbass.

Master Shake:
Oh, well good, I'm drivin', let's go.

Meatwad:
I'm drivin'

Master Shake:
No, you have no control of your bladder!

[Carl drives off]

[Carl apologizes to someone he hit with his car]

Carl:
Look, I am so sorry. I'm sorry that you tried to walk in front of me when I clearly had the right of way!

Bart Oates:
Hey, Carl, you know, that's not really the spirit of this.

Carl:
All right, all right, all right, look...reset. I am very glad that the forensics could not match the paint on your face to the paint on my fender, but I am sorry that you had to pay the ultimate price for not lookin' both ways! I did not wave you on, I was flippin' you off!

Bart Oates:
[annoyed] Carl …

Carl:
OK … all right. I'm sorry, you're dead.

Bart Oates:
You're in the red zone now, buddy, you gotta close the deal.

Carl:
Well, me answering questions to a bunch of cops wasn't never gonna bring you back--

Bart Oates:
Be a champ. Go all the way.

Carl:
--OK, I'M SORRY I HIT YOU, ALL RIGHT?!? And that's as sorry as I'm ever gonna be. You were old. I could tell!

[Carl apologizes to the Chicago band for making jerseys with their name on it]

Carl:
OK guys, look, I'm sorry that I made an ass load of money sellin' these in the parking lot of your show. They ain't supposed to say "Chicano" it was them dumbass immigrants I had working for me. Anyways, I want you to have this [points to a box full of jerseys] 20% off on these.

Bart Oates:
Hey Carl, you're off sides buddy.

Carl:
OK look, here's the money I made on it [Holds up a can full of change].

Bart Oates:
… $40 in change?

Carl:
Dammit, you know everything. All right look, I'll um, I'll make out a check to uh … how 'bout I make it out to "Chicago?" [The band is silent] All right friggin' cash! Fine! [Carl leaves].

Band Member 1:
Who was that?

Band Member 2:
I don't know, but check it out: $43 in change. All right!

[Carl and Bart Oates are outside Linda Hamilton's mansion]

Carl:
I don't recognize this place.

Bart Oates:
Carl, huddle up. This is Linda Hamilton's house. She is destined to play Sarah Connor in The Terminator. And Sarah Connor will give birth to John, and he will lead the resistance to the rise against the machines.

Carl:
Well, I mean she's already been in that movie.

Bart Oates:
Well, I've been sent by the machines to get you to kill Linda Hamilton.

Carl:
What're you talking about man? She's an actress.

Bart Oates:
C'mon Carl. Ya gotta do it brother. Ya gotta go all the way. Do it for Tuna, do it for L.T. C'mon man, this is our house. This is Linda's house. We gotta run a trap and you gotta lay a big hurt on Linda.

Carl:
"Lay a big hurt on"- listen to yourself. She's an actress! It was a movie! This is friggin' stupid!

Bart Oates:
"Stupid?" Are you kidding me? Listen man, when I had my knee surgery the computers replaced all my parts with metal machinery [Bart removes his skin to reveal a metally trashy inside] Wanna see?

Carl:
Looks like they did it on a budget. I don't see any computers in there.

Bart Oates:
What?

Car:
Lotta cans here.

Bart Oates:
Oh man, the computers lied to me.

Carl:
Ah, ya think?

Bart Oates:
Oh no! My whole life is a sham! [Linda Hamilton's alarm system goes off]

Linda Hamilton's Alarm System:
[The eyes of two large Terminator heads on the fence of Linda Hamilton's mansion glow red] Intruders!

Carl:
All right drama queen, lets get outta here before Linda wakes up.

[last lines]

[Frylock is performing brain surgery on Carl]

Master Shake:
Whoa, what the hell is that?

Frylock:
It's a BB. It was lodged in his frontal lobe. But how did he get a BB in his brain?

[flashback to sometime earlier in the day … Master Shake is cocking a BB gun with the spirit of Bart Oates behind him]

Bart Oates:
Milkshake, we're in the goal line offense, baby. You gotta score. You're a champ, buddy. Go all the way.

[Master Shake shoots Carl (off screen) with the BB gun]

Carl:
(screams)

[back to present time]

Meatwad:
[pause] Shoot I dunno, I need to figure out how to shove a daiquiri up my butt.

Master Shake:
Listen, don't tell me how to do it. You tell him [Meatwad] how to do it and he'll tell me.

Master Shake:
Mmm, that a George Foreman grill?

Frylock:
Uh, no. George Washington.

Master Shake:
Couldn't afford the real one, huh?

Frylock:
Oh, and like you can?

Master Shake:
Shut—you shut your mouth.

Master Shake:
Dudes! Check. This. Out!

[Shake shows off a flashy, high-tech, chrome grill.]

Meatwad:
Ah, yeah! We grillin' tonight!

Master Shake:
Now here's what's different about this my friends: it uses actual pieces of the sun, combined with some radioactive vials from Chernobyl, and I know this is interesting also to the ladies out there, it uses them to heat burgers, steaks, chicken; no problem. And, best of all, it's not even suppposed to be inside this country.

Meatwad:
Hey, hey maybe ya'll should turn that that thing down, Mucus Man is meltin' here.

Master Shake:
He's not meltin' he's 'chilaxin'. If you can't speak the language, go back to Mexico. Where you were born and are from.

Carl:
Hey, you grillin'?

Master Shake:
No, I'm curing cancer. Yes, we're grillin'.

[Shake is frantically pressing the thermostat]

Master Shake:
How do I get this to be cold?! I keep pressing it and pressing it and pressing it, and it won't get cold now!

[Frylock checks the thermostat.]

Frylock:
242 degrees?! Man, that's insane!

Master Shake:
That's what I've been sayin' for the last hour and a half, while you've been "Dreamin' of Jeanie."

Frylock:
Dammit, I think we're gonna have to freakin' call the landlord. The compressor's on the fritz again.

Meatwad:
Well, he...he may be gone. I...I wouldn't go out there.

Frylock:
[As we see that the outside background is melting] And why not?!

Meatwad:
Watch this. [Flings a skillet out the front door, causing it to explode almost immediately]

Master Shake:
That was my Alton Brown saucepot! I use it to make my Balsamic Reduction! Dammit! … You've seen me do it.

Frylock:
Shake! You left that grill on, didn't you?

Master Shake:
[looks outside] Oh... uh... no!

Frylock:
Well then, why is it on?!

Master Shake:
I don't know... uh... it's in "self-cleaning" mode!

Frylock:
No, I think it's on "create-a-hole-in-the-ozone" mode, Shake!

Meatwad:
Well, we got all that cream cheese we won at the fair. Can you tan through that?

Master Shake [dramatic music plays] ...It's worth a shot.

Meatwad:
And it may be the only shot we have...

[Shake and Meatwad are rubbing the cream cheese on their bodies]

Frylock:
Or we could just shut the fucking grill off!

Master Shake:
[Treading water] Phew. Feel that cool water. So soothing!

Meatwad:
Yeah. Feel that polar bear chewing on my head up here. [We see this is actually happening]

Frylock:
Oh my God! This is a melted polar cap!

Master Shake:
Uh, no, no. Polar caps are traditionally cold. And this... [The water begins to boil] ew, this is starting to get hot. [The grill is still running] Aw, hell.

Frylock:
We've got to get to that grill.

Master Shake:
I know. You've said it like 93 times!

Meatwad:
Hurry somebody! Hurry!

Master Shake:
Mex—Mexicans! They'll do it! They'll do anything! Who here knows Spanish?

Meatwad:
Carl may. His hair is dark.

Master Shake:
That's a good thought. I'm gonna ask him.

[Carl's house has flooded.]

Carl:
NO, NO, NOOOOO!! My father's amateur porno! I love you dad…and all those money shots!

Meatwad:
Look, ya'll just stop bickerin'. We's all need ta join together and…thank God that…it's on Extra Low.

Meatwad:
Ya'll suck. I wish Superman was here. I'd say "Hey Superman. You mow the lawn while you're here?" And he'd be like "Yeah, I'm Superman. I know how to work the mower."

Meatwad:
What is this dissension in the ranks? Someone refuses to blow.

Carl:
[grabs crotch] Oh no, I got somethin' you can blow all right.

Frylock:
Carl, no.

Carl:
WELL, WHY IS HE THE KING?!

Master Shake:
[shoves Carl aside] Uh...because he is the smartest and best...looking, and his wisdom lead us to this great utopia, isn't that right, handsome master?

Meatwad:
Yeessss, that is correct. Mucus minions, congest him, at once!

Frylock:
No, Meatwad. Please.

Carl:
[Two mucus men surround him] Ah, that takes two of ya. Let's go.

[Carl is immediately congested]

Master Shake:
Our future's at stake, and it's in your nose. You must eat your boogers, America, for the sake of your grandchildren's lives.

Carl:
[Examining grill] Wow...damn. Puttin' off some BTU's. I think those...are those clouds on fire?

Meatwad:
I remember that one time you was in the bathroom...with that magazine. 'Cept that we ain't got no bathroom, so you know. And we all know what you was doing...

[Start Flashback]

Frylock:
I'll show ya stars! Take this! [shoots lasers and hits wall, revealing Shake]

Err:
Nice shot buddy.

Master Shake:
Wait! What I'm doing in here is private!

[End Flashback]

Master Shake:
Oh man! Back then I was so self-conscious about my body. You know, Frylock wanted to fix that hole but I said no. And now, I like it when people watch.

Meatwad:
I still can't figure out what you're doing with yourself.

Master Shake:
Hey, how about that time Playboy called me.

Meatwad:
What boy?

Master Shake:
Th-The playboy. He wanted me to go party at his mansion house. Ya know, cause he had too many girls and not enough guys. Ya know, he called me! Remember?!

[Start Flashback]

Master Shake:
No Jimmy. Sorry, I'm counselling a youth camp today. Yeah, I'm doing some stuff with my church. Thank you, though. Have a blessed day.

[End Flashback]

Meatwad:
Remember uh.. Remember that date I went on with Farrah Fawcett? And uh, She said, "Let's get nude! Go to this hotel and like, do all this stuff!" And she starts like playin' with me and she starts like huggin' on me. And I says, no, no girl. My show is on. So she dropped me off.

Master Shake:
I'm goin' to Mexico, until all this bill business chills out.

Tera Patrick:
Hey guys, remember when me and you and Meatwad-

Master Shake:
What, Tera? What? Shut. Up. You're just, you're so mouthy! All I see are lips moving! Stories that go nowhere! Will you please just keep eating your corn dog?

[Meatwad calls Carl]

Meatwad:
Carl! What's up?!

Carl:
Nothin. Why you call me, here?

Meatwad:
I made you a shirt, man.

Carl:
Oh wow, how thoughtful. You know what? I made you a shirt, too, but see without the 'r' part. Get it? I made you a 'SHIRT'! Hahaha. Come get it before it sinks! [flushes the toilet] I had a lot of meat last night! Hahaha.

Meatwad:
[to Shake and Frylock] Ya'll, Carl's crazy!

Tera Patrick:
Where's Dan from Grim Reaper Gutters? I wanna party with him.

Master Shake:
He said he'll be back tomorrow. Sold us a bridge in New York. [laughs]

Meatwad:
Ain't no bridges in New York.

Master Shake:
That's the joke! [laughing]

Meatwad:
I said there ain't no bridges in New York! [pulls out a gun]

Frylock:
Uh, Meatwad...where did you get that?

Meatwad:
What does that matter? [points gun at himself] None of that matters now...

Frylock:
Wait, wait, no no!

Master Shake:
NOO!

[Meatwad shoots himself]

Master Shake:
Hey, I have bad glaucoma.

Frylock:
So? Go to the doctor.

Master Shake:
I-I did. He said you should grow me some pot.

Frylock:
Marijuana?

Master Shake:
Whatever the kids are callin' it these days, yes.

Carl:
This dude back where I worked at the, uh, Styrofoam peanut factory, like he converted the toilet into like a bong, and you just sort of put your face over the seat. It was pretty badass. I went in there, someone had used a Number Two, so I fish it out, load it up. Gotta do something to get through that shift. Later on, when I became an adult, I was thinkin', you know, "That's gross," but, man that bathroom was so awesome in high school.

[In the giant bong, Shake puts his own colon in his mouth]

Meatwad:
Hoo, boy! What is that? Your colon? Get that out of your mouth. That's gross! You don't know where that's been.

Master Shake:
What? I know-- I know exactly where it's been, man.

Meatwad:
Hi, I'm high. Heheheh, you get it Shake? This is awesome.

Master Shake:
You know what we need to do? We gotta get some instruments, take lessons, and learn to play them, and then we're gonna have the hottest jam of 'Comfortably Numb' that anyone has ever heard in their life!

Carl:
When does the "get high" part start?

Ignignokt:
Fryman, we have hidden four grams of cocaine in your room.

Err:
We did?

Ignignokt:
No, we didn't, Err. But we would. And we will tell the pigs that when they arrive.

Err:
Do the thing!

[The Mooninites turn, Ignignokt disappears, but Err is still visible]

Err:
The pigs will never find us!

Ignignokt:
For we are thin lines of deception.

Err:
Deceptinominon!

Ignignokt:
Err-no, other way.

Err:
[turns again, still visible] Deceptinoitus!

Ignignokt:
Turn this way.

Err:
Oh. [turns again, still visible]

Ignignokt:
No, other way. Third--

Err:
I know how to do it, come on man.

Master Shake:
Hey, when we gonna fix my guacomole?

Ignignokt:
Come on, hippies. We are the dope-men.

Err:
Because we wear corderoy!

[first lines]

Ezekial:
Daddy?

Carl:
Next door, jackass. [slams door]

[Ezekial knocks on the Aqua Teens' door, and Shake answers]

Ezekial:
Daddy!

Master Shake:
No, no! You're, uh... you're probably thinking the guy next door. Big, fat guy; you take care.

[Ezekial starts to walk back towards Carl's house; Carl racks a sawnoff shotgun; Ezekiel runs away.]

Carl:
That's right, get lost!

Master Shake:
You gotta wash your hands before you pick a baby up. He can see the bacteria burning into his flesh!

[Seeing Master Shake's kid]

Meatwad:
Awww, is this your bastard?

Master Shake:
Look, yes, I have banged hundreds of broads, internationally, but know this, I wrap my rascal TWO times cause I like it to be joyless and without sensation, as a way of punishing supermodels.

Ezekial:
Daddy no want me! I'm gonna take a bus to Reno!

Frylock:
Oh no, that won't do. Why don't you just stay with us untill you old enough the leave home.

Ezekial:
Hooray! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Hoo-ray!

Master Shake:
{Sarcastically} Yeah. Huzzah.

Meatwad:
I wanna name him. Can I name him?

Master Shake:
No! He's my son! And...NO! No he's NOT my son! Nobody can prove that!

Meatwad:
I wanna name you Jesus... Ezekial... Jesus, and that's from the bible.

Ezekial:
[slowly] E...zek...ial?

Frylock:
That's a good name, Ezekial.

Ezekial:
Ezekiel! I am Ezekial! That is me! Ezekial is—I am!

Ezekial:
Yay, security at the mall! I'm gonna shine a flashlight!

Meatwad:
(playing basketball) Feed me the rock, I'm down low!

Frylock:
(Referring to Ezekiel) Meatwad, your man's free over there! Get on your man!

Meatwad:
(Rolls up to Dewy, a paper towel tube with a face drawn on it) Shut up, boy! I got my man boxed in over here! You deal with your own business!

Ezekial:
I wanna play racecar...

[In slow motion, as Ezekial's basketball sails to the goal]

Master Shake:
Get in that net you crazy whore!

Master Shake:
Why do you disappoint me? [Ezekiel starts crying] Second by second, you waste my time.

Frylock:
Shake Shake Shake, lets just have some fun out here, okay?

Master Shake:
Why? He sucks. C'mon Sucky, before you ruin the entirety of my future.

Frylock:
Shake--

Master Shake:
The only reason God doesn't erase you from the face of the Earth is because you amuse him somehow.

[Carl sees Master Shake in his car with a hose connected from the exhaust pipe to the car interior]

Carl:
Shake! Shake! Wake up! What are you doin'?

Master Shake:
[weakly] My son...he doesn't listen.

Carl:
[angrily] Look, whatever. Get outta my car! It's freakin' three bucks a gallon--how long have you been running this engine?! What, you think I should pay for this?!?

Master Shake:
No...

Carl:
Yeah, that's right! You're dead, you don't have to worry about it! Meanwhile, your bowels are leakin' all over the dash, stainin' my shag carpet. That's freakin' authentic red pleather, that ain't cheap.

Master Shake:
Yeah...

[Carl throws Master Shake out of his car and onto the street]

Carl:
Smells like friggin exhaust in...here. You know why I had car wash people put cocoa butter smell in there?! Because I want prostitutes to feel welcome! I don't want them to feel like it's a death trap!

[piano music plays]

Master Shake:
I'm sorry, Carl. It appears I failed you as well.

Carl:
Look, I'm sorry. I should not have unloaded on you like that. [puts a steak knife in Master Shake's hand, casual] Here's a steak knife. Go kill yourself on your lawn.

[Before Shake kills himself, Meatwad comes out]

Meatwad:
Hey Shake, what you doin'?

Master Shake:
I want my son to feel guilty for what he's doing to me. Bring him outside so he can watch me slit my own throat.

Meatwad:
He's inside, slaying the Chess Dragon. No one beats the Chess Dragon not even me, and I'm retarded.

[Meatwad asks how OLD Master Shake is]

Meatwad:
Well which one? Is you 30 or 40?

Master Shake:
I don't know! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!??!?!??

Chess Dragon:
[in a computerized voice] King-E-2-to-E-3.

Ezekial:
Bishop E5 to D4. Check.

Chess Dragon:
King-E-3-to-E-103. [seeing that he has lost, the Chess Dragon knocks over a bunch of Ezekiel's pieces]

Ezekial:
You can't do that! That square does not exist! That is a blatant violation of the governing rules!

Chess Dragon:
King-S-U-C-to-K-I-T.

Master Shake:
...so the bum said, "I ate it off the sidewalk. With my baaaallls!"

Master Shake:
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? They're both looking for a tight seal!

Meatwad:
Remember that one show? "'Roid-Away, apply directly to the 'roid. 'Roid-Away, apply directly to the 'roid."

Master Shake:
Yes, i would like to speak to a supervisor. Because you were very rude to me. I will fly directly to India tonight and see your face in my face. What is your name?!? Give me your name.

Meatwad:
Who is you talking to.

Master Shake:
I am about to find out. Hello. Hung up.

Meatwad:
Well, did he fix the TV?

Master Shake:
You tell me.

Meatwad:
well, yeah?

Master Shake:
I swear to God. A whole night of TV has been ruined, Thank you India. You know it's the Indians and their barbaric ways. Yogurt running down their faces and boobs flapping around. Hey, ever hear of a bra? I've seen one.

George Lowe:
[to Frylock] You look tasty and heavily salted.

Alien #1:
Someone climbs the tower!

Alien #2:
You know what you must do, beastman!

Carl:
Yes, master.

[Outside]

Carl:
Hey!

[Camera rises to show Frylock]

Carl:
[Offscreen] Get off the tower!

Frylock:
No!

[Back Inside]

Carl:
Uh... He won't come down.

Meatwad:
Hey Frylock, what's a handjob, because I'm about to get one.

Meatwad:
[Meatwad is reading through job ads] Hey, here's one. "Looking for dollars? Are you stupid, and gullible, as hell? You may qualify to be part of our dangerous experiment. Bring your resume, wallet, social security, ATM, and all credit cards to Carl's Car Wash. Minorities need not apply, or we gonna sue your balls to the wall." ...That sounds promising.

Master Shake:
That job is perfect for you.

Meatwad:
Ah no, all these shapes, just freakin' hurtin' my kidneys. Why-why can't people just like me for me.

Master Shake:
But sadly, no one does. Not even the president. He's a great guy though.

[Carl is getting his car washed]

Meatwad:
Oh, here we go. This is the first part of our patented three step treatment. [Garbage juice from a dumpster is poured on Carl's car]

Carl:
Ya that kinda looks like you're just sorta slingin' dirt on it.

Meatwad:
Well that-what that actually is is dumpster juice, which is sort of a combination of rain water and garbage; very acidic. Very harsh on the paint job.

Carl:
And uh, why are we doing this again?

Meatwad:
It's just a precoat. I mean, obviously we need to prep the outer coat for, you know, the cat urine. [Cats are lowered and shaken and their urine spreads on Carl's car] And of course the hammers. [A rotating hammer device is lowered, destroying Carl's car]

Carl:
What the hell are you doin'!?

Meatwad:
Look Carl, lets just lay back down and relax okay [Meatwad puts on a gas mask and gas blows in through a vent]

Carl:
Whadda? Whadda?

Meatwad:
Lets allow the mystery gas to do its work. [Carl sighs as he is drugged] And don't worry, we totally redo the paint [Two cans of green and yellow spray paint are lowered and start spraying Carl's car] in a color of our own choosing.

Carl:
Ehh, whatever. I'm easy.

(A shadow falls over him)

Carl Brain:
Hello, Carl. I too, am Carl. And this is my son, Carl Jr.

Carl Jr:
(vague jabbering)

Carl Brain:
We are all Carl.

Carl:
...neat.

Carl Brain:
Yes. Yes. Remove his brain!

Frylock:
Where's Carl's brain?

Carl Brain:
I am Carl Brain.

Carl:
Carl...

Frylock:
No, Carl's brain.

Carl Brain:
I am Carl Brain.

Carl:
Carl...

Frylock:
No no no no no, different-different Carl, okay!?

Carl Brain:
...I am Carl Brain.

Frylock:
My friend Carl! His brain!

Carl:
Carl...

Carl Brain:
Behind you.

Master Shake:
Is that Carl's brain? Over there, on the expressway?

Carl Brain:
Beware, for it will immediately seize you upon my command, and your mind will be enslaved to forever...polish the chrome at this wash...Car Wash.

Frylock:
...This is retarded.

Carl Jr:
Oh! He called you retarded daddy!

Carl Brain:
Stop him! At once! (pause) From calling me retarded!

Carl Jr:
Too late, he got away with it.

Meatwad:
[On the street, advertising the car wash] Go on, getcha car washed! [takes the shape of a fist with the middle finger up] Or you a dumbass, gonna get yo ass WHOOPED!