Ash vs. Evil Dead

Ash J. Williams:
Sweet musical Jesus, that's your friend? Oh, she's filthy and fine!

Pablo Bolivar:
She's very attractive, I know. Hey, I try not to look at her like that.

Ash J. Williams:
That must be difficult.

Pablo Bolivar:
It is. She haunts my dreams. Just kidding. She does, though.

Kelly Maxwell:
Touch me again, and you're gonna need another wooden hand.

Ash J. Williams:
Okay, wait. Another wooden hand in place of my real hand, or another wooden hand in place of my wooden hand?

Kelly Maxwell:
Your real hand!

Ruby:
Are you all right?

Amanda Fisher:
Yeah, I um, I just... just thought I saw something, but I can't really, um, trust my eyes these days.

Ruby:
There's nothin' wrong with your eyes. Sometimes what you think you saw, it's exactly what you saw.

Pablo Bolivar:
You fought this thing before. Maybe you just got to finish what you started.

Ash J. Williams:
You listen to me. Whatever I was, that was a long time ago. Let it choose somebody else now. Me, I'm cutting out!

Pablo Bolivar:
You can't outrun evil, Ash!

Ash J. Williams:
Watch me!

Ash J. Williams:
It's good to be back.

Pablo Bolivar:
How does it feel?

Ash J. Williams:
Groovy.

Ash J. Williams:
Pablo, focus up! Just stay behind me. Let the boomstick do the talkin'. Things get hairy, use your bottle.

Pablo Bolivar:
Um, I don't think it's a very good weapon, Jefe. You had to stab Roper like 50 times.

Ash J. Williams:
Hey, I was sharpening it for you.

Ash J. Williams:
[to Pablo] Yeah, I remember when I was like you. Young, dumb, full of... conflicting emotions.

Ash J. Williams:
Well, now that you're back, what's your big plan?

Suzy Maxwell:
Well, just try to get everything back to normal.

Ash J. Williams:
Normal? Ha. What's normal?

Suzy Maxwell:
Family, work.

Ash J. Williams:
Work? Work, where?

Suzy Maxwell:
Oh, I'm an English teacher.

Ash J. Williams:
What grade?

Suzy Maxwell:
Tenth.

Ash J. Williams:
What's your favorite book?

Suzy Maxwell:
The Old Man and the Sea.

Ash J. Williams:
Oh, so you like fishing.

Mr. Maxwell:
I like fishing!

Ash J. Williams:
This ain't about you, dad!

Kelly Maxwell:
Pablo, believe it or not, the rude middle-aged man ya brought is kind of ruining my "mom time".

Suzy Maxwell:
Evil will walk the Earth!

Ash J. Williams:
Yeah, well, your cooking was shit.

Kelly Maxwell:
[after Ash has make makeshift graves for Kelly's parents] You know they were Jewish, right?

Ash J. Williams:
I-I did not. Wish you could have said somethin' before I made those dumb crosses, but, okay.

Ruby:
I've learned you can always make things more painful.

Ash J. Williams:
Alright, look, we get this done quick enough, we might have time to stop for churros. And look, that's not a racist thing, Pablo. That's just a great dessert.

Pablo Bolivar:
You know I'm not Mexican, right?

Ash J. Williams:
That's the spirit!

Pablo Bolivar:
Um, but reading from the book is what caused all this trouble to begin with, so...

Ash J. Williams:
Yeah, that's true, but reading from it again can't make things any worse. It's kinda like spilling paint on a, painting. It's okay 'cause there's already paint on it.

Pablo Bolivar:
That is incorrect.

Ash J. Williams:
Lionel, you find a wimpy demon yet?

Lionel Hawkins:
Uh, nothing that says wimpy specifically, but I have found a-a minor demon named Eligos. Possesses knowledge of hidden things, a- a demon of the mindscape.

Ash J. Williams:
Well, perfect. Sounds like a total nerd.

Brujo:
Come, I'll look inside of you.

Ash J. Williams:
Good, check the old prostate while you're in there?

Ash J. Williams:
Hey listen, if it's cool, I just wanna sit here and enjoy this place for a while. I've always wanted to spend time in "the city so nice, they named it Jacksonville".

Ash J. Williams:
Eli! You can speak?!

Eli:
In here I can. It's your trip, Jefe.

Ash J. Williams:
Nice, you know I've always wanted to talk to you. Uh, just don't mention the stuff I do in the trailer when we're there alone.

Eli:
Never.

Ash J. Williams:
All right then.

Pablo Boliver:
Kelly, you need to be careful of revenge. My uncle, he always said, "Pablito, beware anger, fear revenge." If once you start down that path, forever, it will dominate your destiny. Consume you, it will."

Kelly Maxwell:
Did you just Yoda quote me?

Kelly Maxwell:
I want a flamethrower. I'm serious! I lost my parents, got possessed. Flamethrower seems fair.

Ash J. Williams:
Life is hard and dangerous, and sometimes you just gotta chop off somebody's head to survive.

Pablo Boliver:
I wish I had my rusty chain, yo.

Militia:
I'm gonna get you pregnant later.

Kelly Maxwell:
Won't your sister be jealous of us?

Kelly Maxwell:
[holding a gun] Fuck a flamethrower, this guy's got girth!

Ash J. Williams:
Don't you get it? Everybody dies here. It's just a rule. Death, taxes, more death, and I don't pay taxes. So all I know is death.

Ash's Hand:
Maybe I grew another hand, or maybe the hand grew another me. What's the difference, Amanda? What's important is I can give you everything you want, and I want you. Is that so bad? I mean come on, a minute ago, you wanted me, too.

Amanda Fisher:
Yeah, that's before I found out you were just some creepy tumor, that grew out the stump of a possessed hand!

Ash's Hand:
Name calling, is not nice.

Ash's Hand:
Kelly, when you were in junior high school, you told me you busted a stained glass window of a church.

Kelly Maxwell:
By accident.

Ash's Hand:
Then you punched a nun in the face.

Kelly Maxwell:
She was being so dramatic about that stained glass, and she hit me first.

Ash Williams:
Okay, look, there is no way in hell they're gonna stay here, 'cause they're gonna get possessed, then they're gonna be on the night train to Kill-adelphia.

Kelly Maxwell:
With stops in Choke-lahoma City, and Die-ami.

Ash Williams:
Nice.

Kelly Maxwell:
I thought you'd like that.

Ash Williams:
Chopping up my evil clone. Maybe someday that'll feel weird.

Necronomicon:
To bury me is a mistake.

Ash Williams:
No. No, we are not having this conversation!

Necronomicon:
You should use me.

Ash Williams:
No, I already did that dance, made my life a living hell!

Necronomicon:
Only because you're trying to fight me. Stop fighting. Admit it, you're not all good either. Be smart, for once. Use me.

Ash Williams:
No. You're takin' a dirt nap.

Necronomicon:
Ash, if you bury me, you stop being a Superman, and go back to being a stock boy.

Ash Williams:
No!

Necronomicon:
Yes!

Ash Williams:
No, not this guy. I've got possibilities.

Necronomicon:
To do what? Have a family? Become president? Get rich? None of that's ever going to happen! I'm what makes you special.

Ash Williams:
Blah, blah, blah. Play's over, Shakespeare.

Ash Williams:
Ruby, gimme that book! You have no idea what you're doin'!

Ruby:
Of course I know what I'm doing. I wrote this book.