Austin & Ally, Season 1

Ally:
I can't believe he stole my song! He messed with the wrong girl!

Trish:
That's right! Get him! Me likey!

Ally:
(Types something on her phone and it beeps.) There! Allycat109 doesn't like this video. Yeah! Whoo!

Trish:
Calm down before you type a frowny face and really hurt his feelings...

Austin:
Who am I kidding... My dad always said that my chances of being famous were one in a million....

Ally:
That's exactly what my dad said to me.

Dez:
You know what my dad always says? "Dez! Stop texting the dog!"

Ally:
I can't just spit out a song any time you want me to. Lyrics don't just flow out of me like a river after a rain of tears! Oh... That's good! (Runs over, grabs her book and writes it down)

Austin:
Hey, Ally. Maybe you should write that... so we can actually read it this time. (Ally glares at him)

Dez:
Yeah... Miss Calligraphy Camp... (Laughs at her)

Ally:
Oh. (Scribbles something in her book) Can you read this?

Dez:
(Looks at it) Yes, I can... And that is not a nice word!

Ally:
(Referring to the kangaroo in her practice room) Aww, he is so cute. (Stops walking towards him) Aww, I just stepped in kangaroo poop...

Dez:
Hey, don't just assume it was the kangaroo... Trish was in here earlier....

Trish:
(Smiles at him) I will smack those freckles right off your face...

Dez:
Someone needs to mop up all this Trish poop.

Trish:
Keep it up, and someone's gonna need to mop up all your freckles!

Dez:
My freckles are my friends! Can you say that about your poop?!

Ally:
(Sees Austin and picks up a life-size Austin doll and begins to kiss it) Mwah, Austin. Mwah, Austin. Mwah!

Austin:
Uhh, Ally?

Ally:
(Turns around) Oh, hey Austin...

Austin:
Is that doll supposed to be me?

Ally:
Ummm, yes. I was just practicing what to do if you got bit by a poisonous snake. It could happen, ohhhhhh....

Austin:
Hey, Ally! (Walks in all sweaty and orange)

Ally:
Oh, hey Austin.

Austin:
Check out my fake tan...

Ally:
Ugh, I hate fake tans.

Austin:
Really? I did not know that! (Shows off his sweaty underarms)

Ally:
Ugh, almost as much as I hate sweaty guys...

Austin:
Also did not know that! (Dez walks in)

Dez:
Austin, you look different.

Austin:
Yeah, cuz I'm orange... and I'm sweaty....

Dez:
(Shakes his head) No...

[a movie theater ushed accuses Austin & Ally of littering]

Walter:
Look what I found underneath your seat. Recognize this?

Ally:
Uh, yeah. It's popcorn.

Walter:
Ah-HAH! How would you know that if you didn't litter?

Ally:
Because we've seen popcorn before.

Ally:
Hi, Dez. What are you supposed to be? An alien zombie?

Dez:
No, a zombie alien. I'm a Zalien. Characters from my favorite movies of all time. Zaliens 1, Zaliens 2, Zaliens 3, Zaliens 4, Zaliens 5, Zaliens 7...

Ally:
[interrupting] Ah-ah-ah, you forgot Zaliens 6.

Dez:
Ugh, that movie stinks. I wish I could forget it.

Austin:
I can't believe this website, it's so embarrassing!

Trish:
That's HaterGirl. She writes about everything she hates in Miami...I like her!

Ally:
But now she's posting bad things about Austin!

Austin:
I can't believe this is on the internet. I thought I was alone.

Ally:
Austin, you know there's no eating in the store. And there's definitely no eating off your pants.

Austin:
There's no sign for that.

Ally:
There shouldn't have to be a sign to not eat off your pants.

Ally:
You're H8ter Girl?

Tilly:
H8ter Girl? You mean that beautiful, amazingly talented girl who has that awesome website about how much I hate Austin? Never heard of her.

Shiny Money:
Hey! You two were supposed to catch me!

Trish:
You're not still mad are you?

Shiny Money:
Still?! It just happened an hour ago!

Ally:
Did we really just -

Trish:
Yep

Ally:
And Austin’s going to -

Trish:
Ah ah

Ally:
So we’re pretty much -

Trish:
- the worst friends ever !?

Austin:
Chocolate covered hot dogs remind me of Dez.

Stage Manager:
Austin Moon, you're on in five.

Austin:
Yelling reminds me of Trish.

Nelson:
Whoa! Cotton candy!

Austin:
That reminds me of Ally.

Nelson:
Cotton candy?

Austin:
No this picture of Ally. Why did I bring this?

Austin:
Who are you?

Demonica Dixon:
Demonica Dixon. I manage seven of the top acts on the pop charts. *cell phone rings* Hello. Rihanna, great. *hangs up* Make that eight. How'd would you like to be nine?

Austin:
I kinda like being 15 'cause when I was nine I had chickenpox.

Ally:
She threw away my song without even listening to it.

Trish:
And she sabotaged your Jam-A-Thon gig to make me look bad.

Dez:
And she broke the keyboard on the wall and put it back up there to make it look like nothing happened to it.

Ally:
Dez?

Dez:
Fine, I broke it. But she's still a very bad person.

Trish:
Client stealer.

Demonica Dixon:
I'd insult you back but you have meatballs on your head. Do I need to?

Dez:
Can I have a chicken quinceañera? I'm trying to cut back on red meat.

Trish:
You're thinking of a quesadilla.

Dez:
No, a quesadilla is a traditional Latin American party celebrating a girls 15th birthday.

Ally:
Sorry this night didn't work out, Austin.

Austin:
I still had fun. I got to hang out with my friends, eat some shrimp from Dez's pants, and I learned a little español.

Trish:
Hola! Still in here. (Trapped in a box from her brother's magic act)

Trish:
Guess who got a job at the Greeting Card Store? Here, give this to me.

Ally:
Okay.

Trish:
Congratulations on your new job. Aw, thanks. You shouldn't have.

Ally:
It was nothing.

Austin:
You're awesome.

Ally:
Thanks, Austin.

Dez:
Awww.

Austin:
Dez, are you spying on us?

Dez:
No I said 'awww' because I saw the cutest kid destroy the nicest violin down there. Awww.

Ally:
What?

Trish:
What's all this stuff?

Ally:
That's our inventory for the entire year. My dad orders everything at once so he can save, like, 4 dollars.

Lester:
4 dollars and 36 cents.

Ally:
I couldn't fire Dallas. I tried, but then he started talking about how much he likes hanging out with me, and I ended up giving him a raise.

Trish:
I like hanging out with you.

Ally:
I'm not giving you any money.

Officer:
Little early for ice cream, isn't it?

Dez:
Ahhhhhh! What are you doing here, Officer?

Officer:
Somebody triggered the silent alarm.

Dez:
Really? I didn't hear anything.

Officer:
What's with your face?

Dez:
Well, some people say I have my mom's eyes and my dad's nose, but I see more of my Great Aunt Ruth. She is a handsome woman!

Officer:
I'm talking about the starfish.

Dez:
Oh! I have a starfish on my face.

Dez:
Hello?

Austin:
Dez, we're in the ice cream shop, locked in the freezer.

Dez:
Austin? Austin, it's a bad connection. Did you say you're at a mice dream swamp and your clock is a sneezer?

Austin:
What? No. Come to the ice cream shop. We need you to save us.

Dez:
I have to come to the ice cream shop and shave Gus? I'm on my way.

Ally:
My thing is twitting. That's right, I joined Tweeter. Ever heard of it?

Trish:
You're just joining Tweeter now?

Ally:
Yup, Ally Dawson is officially a passenger on the cool train. All aboard! Ah, woot, woot! [makes train chugging motions]

Austin:
The Tweeter train left about two years ago. And apparently, it left you stranded there.

Trish:
The radiant glow of a friendly smile warms a heart for a million miles. Is this a twit or your English paper?

Ally:
What are you talking about?

Trish:
Twits are supposed to be silly and fun.

Austin:
You put way too much thought into your twits. Here, check out what I posted when I was eating pancakes with Dez.

Ally:
Eating pancakes...with Dez.

Trish:
Hey, aren't you supposed to be rehearsing with Austin?

Ally:
He still hasn't shown up. This is the third time this week he's been late.

Trish:
Maybe he had an emergency.

Austin:
Hey, guys. We just went to an awesome concert.

Trish:
At the emergency room?

Trish:
You're pretty lucky. It seems like you're the only store in the mall who hasn't been robbed yet.

Ally:
It's not luck, Trish. I've been watching this store like a hawk; there's no way anyone's gonna rob ol' Hawkeye Dawson. ...Someone robbed me!

Trish:
What?

Ally:
The new guitar's gone.

Trish:
Way to go, Hawkeye.

Ally:
I guess he really is the Mall Thief

Trish:
Then don't you think it's your duty as president of the Mall association to turn over the security tape?

Ally:
I guess so.

Trish:
Good. I'm glad you agree with me. I already turned in the tapes.

Ally:
Why would you do that?

Trish:
Two words. Re-wards.

Ally:
It'll be months before Tech Town gets another shipment in.

Dez:
I can't wait months. I really need that Video Editing app.

Austin:
I really need the Music Recording app.

Trish:
And I really need to resell our myTab for 5 times what we paid for it.

Ally:
He can keep us company, and tell us stories.

Austin:
Ally, your bird doesn't talk.

Ally:
He talks. Don't you, Owen? Come on, like we practiced. Ally's cool. Ally's cool.

Dez:
Maybe he can talk, but he can't tell a lie.

Ally:
So Owen, did you have a nice birthday?

Austin:
Give it up, Ally. The bird's never going to talk.

Owen:
Austin let me out of the cage. Trish and Dez knew about it. Wait, there's more. Dez touched your songbook.

Dez:
Don't listen to Owen. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Owen:
I tried to find you earlier, but I got lost in the food court. Then, I pooped on a statue. It turned out to be a real guy. Wait, there's more-

Dez:
And Ally. That leaves just one role left. The cute songwriter who works at the local music store: Sally. I wrote it specifically for the most talented girl I know.

Ally:
Dez, I'm flattered.

Dez:
Not you. Selena Gomez. But she's unavailable, so do you want to play the part?

Ally:
As much as I appreciate being your second choice, I can't do your movie! I have stage fright.

Austin:
But you have the most gruesome death in the movie! The crab rips you in half, and then your head gets to watch him eat your legs!

Ally:
(pretending to be excited) No way! That changes everything!

Austin:
Really?

Ally:
No.

Dez:
Okay, Austin. Mildred is under that umbrella, unaware Claws is behind her. You have to run through this maze of umbrellas and battle claws to death with this oar.

Austin:
This or what?

Dez:
This oar.

Austin:
This or what?

Dez:
This oar.

Austin:
This or what?

Dez:
This oar.

Austin:
Or what?

Dez:
This oar.

Austin:
This or what?

Dez:
Just fight him with the paddle.

Austin:
I sing too! I'm Austin Moon.

Dez:
He's an internet sensation. He's sort of a big deal.

Trish:
[to Cassidy] This is his friend Dez; he's not a big deal.

Ally:
I'm Ally; I don't know what my deal is!

Cassidy:
Well, it's great to meet you Ally, Big Deal, Not A Big Deal.

Trish:
Whatever you do, don't order the Chips and Salsa.

Dez:
Why? I want Chips and Salsa!

Mindy:
Did somebody say Salsa? [rolls tongue] Salsaaaaa!

Dez:
Can I change my order?

Mindy:
No! Dance!

Ally:
Maybe some dessert will make you feel better?

Trish:
I don't feel like dancing, so whatever you do, don't order the Chocolate Shake, the Lemon Twist, or-

Dez:
Get the Raspberry Robot!

Trish:
Noooo!

Mindy:
Raspberry Robot! [says this in robot-like tone]

Austin:
Hey. We haven't seen you since we performed together at the Internet Music Awards.

Shiny Money:
That was so cool, up until your friends broke my arms and legs.

Trish:
I'm surprised you remember the whole 'us not catching you' thing. You hit your head pretty hard on that stage.

Trish:
Now the four of us can finally have a vacation together.

Shiny Money:
You're not invited.

Dez:
Ha! In your face, Trish.

Shiny Money:
You're not invited, either.

Dez:
Ha! In my face, Trish.

Austin:
The sooner we finish this song, the sooner we get to start our va-ca!

Ally:
Then we can par-tay!

Austin:
Put away the calculator.

Ally:
O-kay.

Trish:
You know what you need to do, right?

Ally:
Oh yeah. I'll keep giving his son lessons each week, dropping very subtle hints about Austin's music. Then, in 4 to 5 months-

Trish:
No, we're doing this now.

Ally:
Austin, relax! So what if we don't have a finished song for him! That just means we'll lose the best chance at getting a record deal.

Austin:
How's that supposed to make me relax?

Ally:
I don't know, I'm not good at this!

Dez:
Come on. MUNY? Music University of New York.

Austin:
You knew?

Dez:
I'm not stupid.

Ally:
We're gonna be living the dream.

Lester:
Honey, um, before you lock up, could you please clean the bathroom?

Ally:
Yup, we're living the dream.