Becker, Season 2

Dr. John Becker:
Jake, you can stop worrying about the decline of civilisation, it's officially hit bottom! Once again, the knuckle-dragging boobs of this country have allowed themselves to be led to slaughter by the hideous forces of evil!

Jake Malinak:
Come on, John! You promised me, you promised me you'd stop watching Oprah!

Dr John Becker:
It's not Oprah, not this time- but I got my eye on her! You know that burned out building down the block?

Jake Malinak:
Er, this is the Bronx, John. You're gonna have to be a bit more specific!

Dr. John Becker:
Jake, you watch the news last night?

Jake Malinak:
How many times do I have to tell you...

Dr. John Becker:
Rhetorical question, stay with me, will you? So they're doing a story about violence in America, and they're interviewing some bloated senator from one of our great trailer park states. Now, does Senator Gomer advocate making guns more difficult to get? No, he blames television. What about all the violence that happened before television? I suppose the Spanish Inquisition came off a bad episode of Gilligan's Island. Oh great, now I'm out of cigarettes, the perfect cherry on this crap sundae of a morning.

Jake Malinak:
Why don't you just quit, John? They're taking years off your life

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah, but those are the crusty old fart years where you walk around bitching at the world.

Jake Malinak:
As opposed to this whole high-on-life Gandhi thing you've got going on now?

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
[on the phone] Look, I need a new motor for my damn freezer! Don't give me excuses; I've got a kitchen full of sour milk, rotten eggs and purple meat! [hangs up] What you having, Becker?

Dr. John Becker:
Second thoughts about dining here!

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
[to Amanda about the diner] Not quite our condo on South Beach.

Jake Malinak:
Not quite a condo on Omaha Beach!

Jake Malinak:
[shaking hands with Amanda] Ooh, you sound tall.

Amanda:
You smell friendly. Why're we talking like this?

Jake Malinak:
I'm blind.

Amanda:
And yet you're still staring at my breasts!

Jake Malinak:
Sorry, creature of habit.

Mr. Ehrlich:
So, anyway, Dr. Becker, I just feel off. Everything hurts.

Dr. John Becker:
As I've been saying, Mr. Ehrlich, it's all part of the flu.

Mr. Ehrlich:
I've got chills and a fever. Even my legs are achey,

Dr. John Becker:
All part of the flu.

Mr. Ehrlich:
My nose is stuffy, I have no energy.

Dr. John Becker:
Part of the flu!

Mr. Ehrlich:
Then there's the sweats, mostly at night.

Dr. John Becker:
The flu!

Mr. Ehrlich:
I think that's why they call them night sweats. What caused them?

Dr. John Becker:
[shouts] It's the flu! For God's sake, Mr. Ehrlich, what's the matter with you?!

Mr. Ehrlich:
I don't know, I think I caught a bug.

Dr. John Becker:
[storms out]

Reggie Kostas:
Becker, you know so little about women it's hard to believe you actually came from one!

Dr. John Becker:
Hey, that was the best relationship with a woman I ever had! My mother fed me, kept me warm and we didn't have to talk all the time!

Jake Malinak:
Revenge is a big part of your life, isn't it?

Dr. John Becker:
You kidding me? It's the best part of waking up!

Reggie Kostas:
Don't you have an ounce of romance in your soul?!

Jake Malinak:
What makes you think he even has a soul?!

Dr. John Becker:
Oh please, romance is like the cheese in a mousetrap; it's what baits you into position so the metal bar of reality can come snapping down on your neck!

Reggie Kostas:
You're just upset because you were unlucky in love.

Dr. John Becker:
I was not unlucky in love, I was unlucky in court.

[Linda walks into the diner]

Linda:
Reggie, hi! Gimme a coffee and a muffin, quick: I have to get to the office before Dr Becker! If I'm even half a second late, the bug up his butt grabs the stick up his butt and beats me with it!

Becker [behind her]:
Morning, Linda!

[Becker and Reggie are stuck on a flight to Buffalo, pretending to be married and Becker is being stalked by an amorous flight attendent]

Reggie:
Hey, get your claws off my husband, AND GET ME MY DAMN NUTS!

Becker:
I want a divorce.

[After learning his ex-girlfriend's family never forwarded his letters to her, leading to their breakup]

Megan:
My dad: he never liked you after all that stuff you said about Nixon!

Becker:
Turned out I was right though, wasn't I? Well, that explains why I never heard back from you...

Megan:
So all these years, you thought I didn't care?

Becker:
Nixon! Bastard's dead and he's still screwing me!

Dr. John Becker:
Tell me something; what is it about me that makes people think my only purpose on this planet is to help them!?

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
The letters "M.D." after your name?

Bob:
[walking in] Jake.

Jake Malinak:
[walking out] Jerk!

[doing a word association test]

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Dog.

Dr. John Becker:
Leave.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Tree.

Dr. John Becker:
Me.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Man.

Dr. John Becker:
Alone.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Hey!

Margaret:
So someone finally shot you.

Dr. John Becker:
I always thought it would be you, Margaret.

Margaret:
So did I.

[After Becker learns a temporary doctor will be assigned to his practice]

Dr. John Becker:
You can't replace me with just anybody! My patients trust me, they know me!

Margaret:
They certainly do; the police are checking them out as possible suspects!

[After Reggie shows up to take John home from the hospital]

Dr. John Becker:
Stop flapping your lips, get my stuff and let's go!

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
[exasperated] Why exactly did you save his life?

Dr. Liz Carson:
Had to; took an oath. Why'd you volunteer to take him home?

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Had to; lost a coin toss.

Dr. John Becker:
For god's sake, if you're gonna kill yourself, at least have the decency to wait until after rush hour. (sees no one is in the diner)

Jake:
I might be running into some health problems. You see, I met this girl who's into astrology, right? She told me--

Dr. John Becker:
Astrology! Congratulations, Reg. Psychology just moved up a notch.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
Becker, astrology goes back thousands of years.

Dr. John Becker:
Thousands years ago, people were crapping in their hats.

[After Becker, under doctor's orders to eat more healthily, orders a fruit salad at the diner]

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
[confused] Fruit!? You don't eat fruit, you hate fruit!

Dr. John Becker:
Look, you don't want my business, there are plenty of places that'll give me fruit without an argument!

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Sorry! I'm just so used to you eating wrong.

Dr. John Becker:
Of course I eat wrong; I eat here!

Bob:
Bob knows what you're trying to do; you're trying to make him look bad in front of Reggie. Well, it won't work; she aches for me!

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
[coldly] Bob, you turn my stomach!

Bob:
[undeterred] That's an ache.

Dr. John Becker:
Well, I went to my first anger class and it worked... I'm pissed as hell. I'm in a room with a bunch of psychos, they hand out pamphlets and get this: Its an anger symptom early warning device.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Its a rubber band.

Dr. John Becker:
Oh! College girl! Anyway, I'm supposed to snap it every time I feel angry.

Jake Malinak:
Doesn't that hurt?

Dr. John Becker:
Yes.

Jake Malinak:
Won't that make you more angry?

Dr. John Becker:
Shut up.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Behavior modification works very well to help break behavioral patterns.

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah, look Reg, a couple of classes at the institute of psychology and air conditioner repair doesn't qualify you to pepper me with dime-store generalities.

[Becker storms into the diner]

Dr. John Becker:
Well it's official, they finally turned New York into a police state! I'm driving to work, and like I do every morning when I get to the corner of White Plains Road and Lester Avenue, I turn right- and I know, I know it's a one way street but I only go twenty five yards then I take a shortcut down this alley! Today, some idiot of a cop is lying in wait for me, and he tickets me for an illegal turn, broken tailight, no seatbelt, and oh yeah, no rear-view mirror! I'M GOING THE WRONG WAY DOWN A ONE-WAY STREET, THERE'S NOTHING BEHIND ME!

Margaret Wyborn:
[After Becker invites her into his apartment in his underpants] Either I'm early or this is a different kind of party!

[Linda stands up with a post-it note stuck on her forehead]

Linda:
I had a message for Margaret but I can't find it.

Dr. John Becker:
Was it to tell her Mrs. Cooper called?

Linda:
Wow, it's like you read my mind.

Dr. John Becker:
Some are easier than others.

[Becker walks away and Margaret comes in]

Linda:
I have a message for you.

Margaret:
Was it to tell me Mrs. Cooper called?

Linda:
Wow, you people are freakin' scary.

[Linda goes in the back]

Dr. John Becker:
I won't tell her if you won't tell her.

Margaret:
Just for today, you are Beth.

Lynda:
I don't like the name Beth.

Linda:
I do, can I be Beth?

Lynda:
I want to be Beth too.

Margaret:
You can't both be Beth.

Linda:
Why? We're both Linda.

Lynda:
Let's pick our own names.

Linda:
I want to be Margaret.

Lynda:
No, I want to be Margaret.

Margaret:
I want to be dead.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Doesn't what she did piss you off?

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah, it just doesn't surprise me because I happen to feel that most people are cruel, small-minded and shallow.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Oh, come on, Becker, if I believed that then I'd have to believe that the entire world just sucks.

Dr. John Becker:
Thank you! That's what I've been trying to tell you every single morning for the past two years! Thank you.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
I was born and raised in New York, and I've never been to the top of the Empire State Building!

Linda:
Really? I was conceived up here! Well, acually it was in the elevator.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
[incredulous] Your parents did it in the elevator!?

Linda:
Well they weren't going to do it on the stairs, they're not animals!