Bewitched, Season 5

Samantha:
Happy sweetheart?

Darrin:
Let's see. I've got a beautiful wife. Lovely daughter. Comfortable home. Good job. I guess I'm reasonably happy.

Samantha:
Why only 'reasonably'?

Darrin:
I would be ecstatically happy if you were an orphan!

Samantha:
Another remark like that and I'll be a widow.

Samantha:
I thought you and mother were getting along rather well lately. You were almost on speaking terms.

Darrin:
Let's hope it stays 'almost'.

Samantha:
Now, mother. I'm sorry to have to ask you to do this, but repeat after me ... Spiders that crawl, bats that fly, silence my tongue if I'm telling a lie.

[Samantha is trying to figure out who has taken Darrin.]

Maurice:
Uncle Arthur! That's it! Uncle Arthur is using Darrin for one of his practical jokes.

Endora:
Well, why would he do a thing like that? Derwood is already a practical joke.

[After Darrin yells out loud.]

Endora:
I've not only lost a daughter, I've gained a bullhorn.

[After Darrin insults Endora]

Endora:
Fortunately for you, I don't offend easily.

Darrin:
Let me try a little harder.

Samantha:
Mr Haskem, you really should listen to Darrin. He has his finger on the pulse of today.

Larry Tate:
And his foot on the unemployment line of tomorrow.

[Joking about Samantha's unrisen Angel Food Cake]

Uncle Arthur:
When you cast your spell, you probably faced west when you should of faced 'yeast'.

Darrin:
I don't believe it. In our living room, in person, sits Napoleon Bonaparte.

Samantha:
Yeah. You're the only living human being who can say he's had Napoleon Bonaparte as a guest in his house. It's ironic.

Darrin:
Ironic?

Samantha:
Yes. Who can you say it to?

[Darrin is trying to apologize to Samantha, for accusing her of using witchcraft to win a slogan competition].

Darrin:
The point is, your slogan was rejected, it was lousy. Which proves it was your imagination!

Larry Tate:
[Laughs] Darrin, you old son of a gun, we've done it again. This Ezyway rent-a-car presentation is a masterpiece.

Darrin:
Just don't hog all the credit this time, huh, Larry. Let's make it 50-50 right down the line.

Larry Tate:
Done. I'll even go you one better, Darrin. If HB doesn't like it, it's all yours.

[Larry explaining why he didn't pick his wife for his volleyball team].

Larry Tate:
Have you ever seen Louise play volleyball? Her best shot is ducking.

[After Tabitha has changed her classmate into a butterfly].

Tabitha:
Is this one of those things that's called a problem?

Samantha:
Not exactly, sweetheart. This is one of those things that's called a catastrophe.

Mrs Kravitz:
Abner! Darrin Stephens is talking to a strange woman.

Mr Kravitz:
So what? I'm listening to one.