Brickleberry, Season 1 (2012)

[Edvard Grieg in "Morning Mood"]

Steve:
[first lines] Take it all in, kids. This is nature in all it's majesty. Welcome to Brickleberry.

[Recording of a Flamey the Bear (Parody of Smokey the Bear) commercial]

Flamey:
Only you can prevent forest...

Steve:
[runs into Flamey] FIRE!!!

[Flamey screams]

Steve:
[He's using the shovel to beating Flamey out the fire] Hold still! I'll beat the flames out. [He continues using shovel to beating Flamey to lying on the ground, bloody, broken, and nearly dead]

[Screen shows reviewer of the commercial watching the incident]

Reviewer:
I like it!

Steve:
Good morning, Malloy. How are you?

Malloy:
Your head is enormous.

Steve:
Hey. Don't forget I'm the one who rescued you after some crazy tourist ran over both your parents.

[Cutaway gag to Steve reading a book on safe driving, while driving]

Steve:
The key to being a safe driver...[He runs over and injures Malloy's parents] Oh my God! Wait! You're both still alive! I'll go call for help! [He tries to call for help but he trips over his gun and accidentally shoots them both dead] Shit.

Woody:
Malloy, you should be out there greeting all those tourists, because you're the cutest thing on the planet.

Steve:
Malloy. We don't want him talking to anyone. He's a dick.

Malloy:
Even your whispers sound fat.

Woody:
How could you say that?! Malloy does so many thoughtful things for us.

Steve:
Yeah, like what?

Woody:
Like for starters he made that delicious breakfast you enjoyed this morning.

[Cutaway gag to Malloy shaking a salt shaker full of AIDs into a pot]

Woody:
And don't forget, he planned that surprise party for Denzel.

[Cutaway gag to Denzel walking into a room with the KKK in it]

KKK:
Surprise!

[Back to scene]

Woody:
Bottom line, if we don't get this park in shape they're gonna shut down Brickleberry. So, I've decided to hire someone to help get this park on a track.

Connie:
A new Ranger?

Denzel:
Old lady, old lady, old lady.

Woody:
Yes, a new ranger she was ranger of the month at Yellowstone.

Steve:
Ranger of the Month?

[Ethel appears, Connie's vagina growling]

Connie:
Sorry, that's my vagina growling.

Ethel:
... Well, uh, okay. Uh, I-I'm really excited to...

[Connie's vagina growls]

Ethel:
I'm really...

[Connie's vagina growls]

Ethel:
...excited...

[Connie's vagina growls]

Ethel:
Excited to work...

Steve:
You! You're no den mother. You were here to take my ranger of the month title all along!

Steve:
[He walking away backwards, flipping Ethel off] Ooooooh! [trips and falls over a chair...gets back up and continues walking backwards, flipping Ethel off] Ooooooh! [offscreen; walking backwards almost crushing to the trash cans]

Woody:
I'm so glad everything turned out okay.

Malloy:
No, everything turned out fine. Except for the part where I was raped.

Woody:
Well, Ethel, looks like you get your job back.

Malloy:
Who gives a shit?! I got raped.

Woody:
Uh-huh. Steve, I guess you deserve to keep this for a while. [gives Steve the ranger of the month pin]

Steve:
You know what? I think it's time for a change. [He makes it look like he's gonna give the badge to Ethel but he just puts it on the other side of his shirt] Wow, looks even better on this side. It's like a whole different shirt now.

Ethel:
You're an asshole, you know that?

Steve:
[laughing wickedly] She thinks I'm an asshole now. She doesn't even know that I spiked her coffee. Good think I'll never tell a soul. It...Wait a minute. Am I thinking this or saying this?!

Ethel:
You spiked my coffee!?

Steve:
Oops.

Flamey:
Only you can prevent big vats of acid. [he gets knocked into a vat of acid by Steve, burns, and screams as he disintegrates]

[Camera shows the reviewer watching the commercial again]

Reviewer:
I fucking love it!

Woody:
Trust me, I don't need a gun to get respect. [lays his gun down on the table]

Ethel:
Steve?

[gunshots, animals stampeding]

Steve:
[slurring] Damn it! Come back here, chipyunk! Fight like a man!

Ethel:
Hey, Steve! Stop it!

Steve:
Why? There is no god. What's the difference?

Ethel:
The difference is you're not dying. [sighs] The doctor called last week and told me. I just didn't tell you because I...I really...I really like the new Steve.

Steve:
Bullshit! You're just lying to me so I don't blow Bambi's brains out. [gun cocks]

Ethel:
Wait, Steve! Okay! Okay! Okay. Su--Suppose you are dying. Is this really how you want to spend your last few days?

Steve:
You know what? You're right. I'm wasting precious time.

Ethel:
Thank you.

Steve:
There's way more messed up shit I've always wanted to do!

Denzel:
[walks up to Woody] What's up ya fat old mother--- [Woody grabs the gun] handsome strong [hand off gun] stupid ignorant-ass [hand on gun] all-around nice guy?

Myrtle:
Mother? I need to speak to you about Denzel. You can't tell me who to date.

Edith:
Myrtle! I thought you had a dialysis appointment.

Myrtle:
How could you, mother? You're going down, bitch!

Edith:
I just did, on the colored kid. And it was heavenly.

[Myrtle and Edith are begin to fight]

Steve:
Grow! Grow, damn you, grow! Or do you want this to happen to you? They don't even respond to threats.

Denzel:
We dead. I knew it.

Steve:
Wait a minute. I remember something.

Ethel:
His testicles are producing large amounts of testosterone. He'll be full grown practically overnight. Overnight. Overnight.

Steve:
That's it!

[At night, Steve uses Malloy's balls to squirting some testosterone liquid into the field]

Denzel:
Steve, have you lost your goddamn mind? This is your plan? bear ball juice?

Steve:
It's testosterone. Didn't you see my thought bubble?

Denzel:
Man, I'm getting outta here. White people do some fucked up shit.

Native American Weather Reporter:
Look like sun.

[Another Indian runs by making noises and then it rains]

Native American Weather Reporter:
Make that rain.

Woody:
[mocking] Yellowstone! Yellowstone! Hmmph! They've got a cute animal. They didn't have 25 campers die in their park this month. BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Connie:
We shouldn't worry about Yellowstone. We could just make some improvements.

Malloy:
Here's one. [puts a bag over Connie's head]

Denzel:
I hate animals.

Malloy:
To be fair, most animals hate black people...............and Mexicans.

[Steve has a squirrel and a rabbit]

Steve:
Which is cuter? I don't know. The tourist loved the squirrel. The hiker, God rest her soul, loved the rabbit. If only I could have both...but how? [goes into ultimate thinking mode] That's it! You guys just need to fuck each other!

Woody:
[shouting] Get out of my sight!! You're dead to me, bear cub! GET OUT!!!

Ethel:
What a rabid gustation period. It must be their mutant DNA that might-

Woody:
[mocking] Deh deh deh, Science. Deh deh deh deh, SHUT UP!!!

Connie:
Ethel's right. Aren't you concerned about how fast they're reproducing?

Woody:
Yeah, of course, you agree with your GIRLFRIEND! I'm not concerned at all. More Squabbits. More tourists. [in a blaccent] More tourists, more money. Right Denzel?

Woody:
I am declaring open season on Squabbits! I want every poacher in the state here to shoot, stab, run over, decapitate, eat, kick, or fist those little bastards!

Connie:
Or we could just relocate them.

Woody:
We're gonna relocate them alright. TO HELL!

Pamela Anderson:
Hello! Sorry, I'm late guys.

Steve:
Pamela Anderson?

Denzel:
Jackpot!

Woody:
What's that skinny old man with that tit-job doing here?

Malloy:
Winnie the Pooh never had to deal with this bullshit.

Pamela Anderson:
So, cute! Need to hug. [she tried to hug Malloy and then she fall downs onto the ground and she get eaten by the Squabbits, and her poisonous body killed off the entire Squabbit species]

Kirk Sanders:
Wait, you're not Vietnamese. [takes a closer look at Connie] Now I remember you! You are that waste of space that washed out of my program! I knew you would wind up in a garbage dump like this!

Denzel:
Hey, no matter what color I am on the outside, on the inside, I'll always be a dignified black man.

Steve:
That makes two of us!

Steve:
Hi, brown sugar. You gettin' pretty for me?

Denzel:
Maybe.

Steve:
These are for you.

Denzel:
Oh..My..[shrieked] GOD!

Steve:
Wow. You really like roses, huh?

Denzel:
Oh, Woody, Woody, I love it, I love it, I love it!

Woody:
What the hell do you want, Steve?

Steve:
Woody, as you know, I'm the representative for the rangers here, and we have some demands we'd like met.

Woody:
Demands?

Steve:
Well, maybe suggestions.

Woody:
Suggestions?

Steve:
Well, more of a wish list, actually.

Woody:
Alright, Steve. [cracking his knuckles] You want to negotiate or we'll negotiate.

[Steve gulps and comes out to see the rangers]

Steve:
Good news, guys. We don't have that crappy health insurance anymore.

Ethel:
Really? That's great! What insurance do we have now?

Steve:
None but this way, we'll be more careful.

[Everybody groans]

Steve:
Also, you know what I really hate? When you're in your groove, rangering it up and then boom, you get interrupted by having to take a lunch break. So uh, Woody's gunna get rid of those.

Ethel:
Steve, you're a spineless turd! You can't stand up to anyone!

Steve:
Yes I can!

Denzel:
Sit yo ass down!

Steve:
Okay.

Jorge:
I've been looking for an act so unconventional, that it will SHAKE UP THE INDUSTRY! I've got BIG PLANS! I'm going to make you a STAR!

Connie:
Hmm, I don't know, Mister.

Jorge:
It's Jorge. Come on, I'll even hire these two freaks.

Connie:
Okay, I'll do it.

Jorge:
YES! [to Denzel] You'll be our new DJ and [to Ethel] you can mop up the peep booths.

Ethel:
What?

Denzel:
Man, I hate DJ-ing. Wanna switch jobs?

Ethel:
Really?

Denzel:
Hello no! I love DJ-ing. Have fun mopping up that semen.

Steve:
"Fear not humanoids. Bigfoot is your friend, unlike that Jew-hating Loch Ness Monster."

Loch Ness Monster:
"I HATE THE JEWS!!!!"

Ethel:
[shoots a deer in the head with a handgun] WHYYYYYYYYYYYY....did I enjoy that so much?

Woody:
Dammit you bastards! This is the bottom of the 9th! It's our last chance! [to Malloy] Come on, rally bear! Show some spirit! Why can't you dance like those black bears? [points to the Yellowstone black bears chanting "Go Yellowstone!"]

Malloy:
I am fighting the urge to say something horribly racist.

Woody:
I've got exciting news.

Denzel:
Let me guess! Judge Judy here, she buck-ass naked and a horny as hell!

Woody:
No, today's my birthday!