Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 7

Buffy:
My first time out, I missed the heart too.

Dawn:
No way.

Buffy:
Just that once.

Xander:
How do you make cereal?

Buffy:
I put the box next to the milk. I saw it on the food channel.

Xander:
So, how are you doing?

Buffy:
My sister's about to go to the same school that tried to kill me for three years. I can't change districts, I can't afford private school, and I can't begin to prepare for what may come out of there. So peachy with a side of keen, that would be me.

Buffy:
Stay away from hyena people, or any loser athletes, or if you see anyone who's invisible...

Dawn:
I think it's pretty safe to say I'm not going to see anyone who's invisible.

Willow:
The coven, they're the most amazing women I've ever met, but there's this look they get, like I'm going to turn them all into bangers and mash. And I'm not even sure what that is.

Giles:
They're cautious. I'm sure you can understand that.

Willow:
I don't have that much power, I don't think.

Giles:
It's all connected. You're connected to a great power, whether you feel it or not.

Willow:
I wish you'd just take it from me.

Giles:
You know we can't. This isn't a hobby or an addiction. It's inside you now. You're responsible for it.

Willow:
Will they always be afraid of me?

Giles:
Maybe. Can you handle that?

Willow:
I deserve a lot worse. I killed people, Giles.

Giles:
I've not forgotten.

Willow:
When you brought me here, I thought it was to kill me, or to lock me in a mystical dungeon for all eternity, or with the torture. Instead you go all Dumbledore on me. I'm learning about magic, Gaia, energy, and the roots system.

Giles:
Do you want to be punished?

Willow:
I want to be Willow.

Giles:
You are. In the end, we all are who we are, no matter how much we may appear to have changed.

[Convinced he's going mad, Spike is tormented by The First.]

Spike:
I had a speech... I learned it all... Oh god, she won't understand, she won't understand...

The First [as Warren]:
Of course she won't understand, Sparky. I'm beyond her understanding. She's a girl! With sugar, and spice, and everything... useless. Unless you're baking. I'm more than that. More than flesh...

The First [as Glory]:
... more than blood... I'm... you know, I honestly don't think there's a human word fabulous enough for me. Oh, my name will be on everyone's lips. Assuming their lips haven't been torn off. But not just yet. That's all right, though. ...

The First [as Adam]:
... I can be patient. Everything is well within parameters. She's exactly where I want her to be. And so are you, Number 17. You're right where you belong.

The First [as Mayor Wilkins]:
So, what'd you think? You'd get your soul back, and everything'd be jim-dandy? A soul's slippier than a greased weasel! Why do you think I sold mine? Well, you probably thought that you'd be your own man, and I respect that. But you...

The First [as Drusilla]:
...never will. You'll always be mine. You'll always be in the dark with me... singing our little song. You like our little songs, don't you? You've always liked them. Right from the beginning. And that's where we're going, ...

The First [as the Master]:
... right back to the beginning! Not the Bang. Not the Word. The true beginning. The next few months are going to be quite a ride, and I think we're all going to learn something about ourselves in the process. You'll learn you're a pathetic schmuck, if it hasn't sunk in already. Look at you, trying to do what's right - just like her. You still don't get it. It's not about right. Not about wrong.

The First [as Buffy]:
It's about power.

Buffy:
I doubt we'll even see each other. Assuming I even half understand my fuzzy job description.

Dawn:
It's not fuzzy. You're what, dealing with troubled kids?

Xander:
At a spanking new Hellmouth High. Please, outside of drugs, violence, and unwanted pregnancy and the unleashing of hordes of Armageddon that comes pouring out of its schools foundation every now and then, what trouble could these kids have?

Xander:
Sunnydale. Come for the food, stay for the dismemberment.

Nancy:
There's good food?

Anya:
I had a quota, the guy had it coming. What's the big?

Nancy:
I think I'm gonna be sick.

Buffy:
Anya, that thing you created burst through solid pavement and ate her dog.

Anya:
[anguished] Oooh, puppy!

Xander:
Wait - that gets your sad noise? People's lives are in danger, and you give it up for the Yorkie?

Spike:
Ain't we in a sodding engine?

Buffy:
Spike, have you completely lost your mind?

Spike:
Well, yes. Where have you been all night?

Spike:
I dreamed of killing you. I think they were dreams. So weak... did you make me weak? Thinking of you. Holding myself and spilling useless buckets of salt over your... ending. Angel, he should've warned me. Makes a good show of forgetting, but it's here. In me. All the time. The spark. I wanted to give you... what you deserve. And I got it. They put the spark in me and now all it does is burn.

Buffy:
Your soul?

Spike:
Bit worse for lack of use.

Buffy:
You got your soul back. How?

Spike:
It's what you wanted, right? It's... it's what you wanted, right? And-and now everybody's in here... talking. Everything I did... everyone I... and HIM. And it. The other. The thing... beneath... beneath you. It's here, too. Everybody. They all just tell me go. Go... to Hell.

Buffy:
Why? Why would you do that?

Spike:
Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he musn't? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev... To be a kind of man. And she shall look on him with forgiveness... and everybody will forgive and love. And he will be loved. So everything's okay, right? C-can we rest now? Buffy? Can we rest?

Dawn:
Well, if she's doing that-ducking Giles-then, she's evil, right?

Xander:
Well, I've avoided Giles tons of times. Just meant I was lazy, not evil.

Buffy:
I hope you're right, because defeating Lazy Willow - probably less hard.

Anya:
You feel really responsible? You are really responsible!

Willow:
I know I hurt you... and everyone... and I'm sorry.

Anya:
Here's something you should know about vengeance demons. We don't groove with the sorry. We prefer, "Oh, God! Please stop hitting me with my own rib bones!"

Willow:
Go on. Say whatever you want, rib bones and so forth. I deserve it.

Anya:
And you won't mind?

Willow:
No.

Anya [pouts slightly]:
Well then, that's no fun.

Spike:
Red's a bad girl.

Buffy:
He's talking about Willow.

Xander:
And that means something 'cause he's chock full of sanity.

Spike:
William's a good boy. Carries her water, carries her sin. Supposed to get easier, isn't it. Supposed to help to help, but it doesn't. Still so heavy.

Xander:
We should've put a leash on him.

Buffy:
Yes, let's tie ourselves to the crazy vampire.

Buffy:
It's pretty easy. Spike follows the exciting smell of blood and we follow the fairly ripe smell of Spike.

Dawn:
It's smellementary. Also I'm sure there's tunes like this, you know procedures we can use that don't involve magic spells, just good solid detective work. And we can develop a data base of tooth impressions and demon skin samples and I could wear high heels more often.

Buffy:
Wow, that was so close to being empowered.

Dawn:
Everybody loves a slender ankle.

Xander:
Figuring out how to control your magic seems a lot like hammering a nail. At the end of the hammer, you have the power, but no control. It takes, like, two strokes to hit the nail in, or you could hit your thumb.

Willow:
Ouch.

Xander:
So you choke up. Control, but no power. It could take like ten strokes to knock the nail in. Power, control. It's a trade off.

Willow:
That's actually not a bad analogy. Except, I'm less worried about hitting my thumb, and more worried about going all black-eyed baddy and bewitching that hammer into cracking my friends' skulls open like coconuts.

Xander:
Right. Ouch.

Buffy:
I need to fix this. I don't usually get a heads up before somebody dies.

Robin:
What do you mean usually?

Willow:
Have you Googled her yet?

Xander:
Willow! She's 17!

Willow:
It's a search engine.

Buffy:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer would break down this door.

Xander:
And Buffy the counselor?

Buffy:
Waits.

Cassie:
You think I want this? You think I don't care? [cries] Believe me, I want to... be here, do things. I want to graduate from high school, and I want to go to the stupid winter formal... I have this friend, and it would be fun to go with him. Just to dance and hear lame music to wear a silly dress and laugh and stuff... I'd like to go. There's a lot of stuff I'd like to do. I'd love to ice skate at Rockefeller Center. And I'd love to see my cousins grow up and see how they turn out 'cause they're really mean and I think they're gonna be fat. I'd love to backpack across the country or, I don't know, fall in love, but I won't. I just never will.

Buffy:
Spike, this basement is killing you. This is the Hellmouth. There is something bad down here, possibly everything bad.

Spike [laughs]:
Can't hear you. Can't hear you.

Buffy:
You have a soul? Fine. Show me.

Spike:
Scream "Montresor" all you like, pet.

Buffy:
Get up and get out of this basement.

Spike:
I don't have anywhere else to go.

Anya:
I uh, I don't talk to people much. I mean, I talk to them, but they don't talk to me. Except to say that "your questions are irksome," or "perhaps you should take your furs and your literal interpretations to the other side of the river."

[Buffy, Xander and Willow argue about whether to kill the re-demonized Anya.]

Xander:
You think we haven't seen all this before? The part where you just cut us all out. Just step away from everything human and act like you're the law. If you knew what I felt -

Buffy:
I killed Angel!! Do you even remember that?! I would have given up everything I had to be with... I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life! And I put a sword through his heart because I had to.

Willow:
And that all worked out OK.

Buffy:
Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you! Do you remember giving me Willow's message? "Kick his ass."

Willow [shocked]:
I never said that!

Xander:
This is different.

Buffy:
It is always different! It's always complicated. And at some point, someone has to draw the line and that is always going to be me! You get down on me for cutting myself off but in the end, the Slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guidebook, no all-knowing council. Human rules don't apply. There's only me. I am the law.

Xander:
There has to be another way.

Buffy:
Then please find it.

[Xander walks out the front door. Buffy turns to Willow, silently asking her help to dispatch Anya.]

Willow:
I can't. I'm sorry. [Buffy grabs a sword and heads outside]

Xander:
You don't understand. This isn't an intervention. Buffy's coming to kill you.

Anya:
She's coming to try.

Xander [exasperated]:
Did everybody have their Crazy Flakes today? You guys are friends! How could you talk like this?

Anya:
I have a job to do. And so does Buffy. Xander, you've always seen what you wanted to but you knew, sooner or later, it would come to this.

D'Hoffryn:
[surveying the fraternity boys Anya killed] Oh, breathtaking! It's like somebody slaughtered an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog.

Anya:
Xander, you can't help me. I'm not even sure there's a me to help.

Buffy:
So, do you have plans later or are you just going to go down to the docks, wait for the fleet to come in?

Dawn:
[shocked] What?

Buffy:
[furious] Where do I start with the bad? First, you told me you were going to the library. Second, you do not go out on a date without informing me first. Third... Anna Nicole Smith thinks you look tacky!

[Xander finds Buffy straddling R.J. in the counseling office.]

R.J.:
Hey guy, it's called knocking.

Xander:
I'm sorry, it's just checkout time was an hour ago. We were hoping to make up the bed. And also, it's a classroom, you chowderhead! [to Buffy] Now get off the boy, Buffy, we're going home.

Willow:
Damn love spell! I have tried every anti-love spell spell I can find.

Anya:
Even if you found the right one, guy would probably just do an anti-anti-love-spell spell... spell.

Willow:
What?

[The women are threatening one another with what they're each going to do to win R.J.'s love]

Buffy:
Willow, you're a gay woman! [Willow makes a face conveying "And?"] And he... isn't?!

Willow:
This isn't about his physical presence! It's about his heart.

Anya:
His physical presence has a penis!

Willow:
I can work around it!

[The Scoobies are burning R.J.'s enchanted jacket in Buffy's fireplace.]

Buffy:
Xander, be honest. You didn't, you know, think about slipping that jacket on a little bit?

Xander:
I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn't fit.

Jonathan:
Wish I'd have stayed in Mexico.

Andrew:
Ah, I didn't like it there. Everyone spoke Mexicoan.

Jonathan:
You could've learned it. You learned the entire Klingon dictionary in two and a half weeks.

Andrew:
That had much clearer transitive and intransitive rules, okay? Besides, I can't keep having those nightmares.

Jonathan:
Me neither. Desde abajo te devora.

Andrew:
"It eats you, starting with your bottom."

Jonathan:
Gonna make it right.

Andrew:
We're outlaws with hearts of gold.

Holden Webster:
Whoa. Did my face just change?

Buffy:
Yeah. You look human now. You can do that. Go back and forth.

Holden:
Oh, so I'm a vampire. [laughs] How weird is that?

Buffy:
Sorry.

Holden:
No, no. Feels great. Strong. Like I'm connected to a powerful all consuming evil that's gonna suck the world into a fiery oblivion. How about you?

Buffy:
Not so much connected.

Holden:
No, no. I mean, with the stake? And the cross? You do this kind of thing a lot?

Buffy:
I'm The Slayer. It's sort of a thing.

Holden:
So, what? You like fight vampires professionally?

Buffy:
Oh, I don't get paid. It's more like a Calling. Since... even in school.

Holden:
I heard a lot of rumors about you back then. You were all mysterious.

Buffy:
I was?

Holden:
Well, you were never around. A lot of kids thought you were dating some really old guy, or that you were just heavy religious. Scott Hope said you were gay.

Buffy:
What? I dated that ringworm!

Holden:
He says that about every girl he breaks up with. Then, last year, big surprise... he comes out.

Holden:
Oh, I have so much to learn. Come on, isn't this insane? I mean, I was afraid to talk to you in high school, and now we're, like, mortal enemies. Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we became nemeses?

Buffy:
Is that how you say the word?

Holden:
We're gonna have to fight to the death, aren't we?

Buffy:
It's the time-honored custom.

Holden:
Wow, reality just shows up sometimes, doesn't it? But, you know, I've got the bloodlust pumping, and I kinda get it. I'm looking for a fight. And, oh, it's nothing personal.

Buffy:
Oh, no, I mean, you've been great.

...

Holden:
Hey, I don't mean to be Count Buttinsky here, but you just don't seem as thrilled. Is it because we're gonna fight?

Buffy:
It's because I'm gonna win.

Holden:
Hello! Two years of Tae Kwon Do and vampire strength. I think somebody's counting their chickens.

Buffy:
You're not leaving this graveyard. Can't let you.

...

Buffy:
If you knew what I've done, what I've let myself become. My best friends don't even know. You'd laugh if you heard some of the things I've done to them.

Holden:
Buffy, I'm here to kill you, not to judge you.

Holden:
Oh my God!

Buffy:
Oh, your God what?

Holden:
Oh, well, not my God. Because I defy him and all of his works. Does he exist? Is there word on that by the way?

Buffy:
Nothing solid.

The First (as Cassie):
[after trying to trick Willow into believing Tara wants her to kill herself] I can see it now. Candlelight, the Indigo Girls playing, picture of your dead girlfriend on your bloody lap... [mocking] Oh, baby, you left such a big hole. It hurt so bad! [serious] You don't know hurt. This last year's gonna seem like cake after what I put you and your friends through, and I am not a fan of easy death. Fact is, the whole good versus evil, balancing the scales thing? I'm over it. I'm done with the mortal coil. But believe me, I'm going for a big finish.

Willow:
"From beneath you, it devours."

The First (as Cassie):
Oh, not "it"... ME.

Xander:
Why would a vampire lie about who sired him? What's that? Some kind of status symbol for the undead? My sire can beat up your sire.

Anya:
You know you were a lot more fun when you didn't have a soul.

Spike:
Oh, come on now, I've just explained to you...

Anya:
All I'm saying is soulless Spike would have had me upside down and half-way to happyland by now.

Young Woman Vampire:
Is that all I was to you, a one-bite stand?

Spike:
Well, I certainly didn't off her. Where are you getting this? You know I can't.

Buffy:
Right. The chip.

Spike:
No, not the chip! Not the chip, dammit. You honestly think I'd go to the end of the underworld and back to get my soul and then- Buffy, I can barely live with what I did. It haunts me. All of it. If you think that I would add to the body count now, you are crazy.

Spike:
[to Buffy] As daft a notion as "Soulful Spike the Killer" is, it is nothing compared to the idea that another girl could mean anything to me. This chip-they did to me. I couldn't help it. But the soul, I got on my own-for you.

Buffy:
I know.

Spike:
So, yeah. I go and pass the time... with someone. But that's all it is is time, 'cause-God, help me, Buffy-it's still all about you.

Willow:
I am Willow. I am Death. If you dare defy me, I will call down my fury, exact fresh vengeance, and make your worst fears come true! OK?

Xander:
There was this one guy, he hurt her real bad. So she paid him back. She killed him, but she did it real slow. See, first she stopped his heart, and then she replaced it with darkness, and then she made him live his life like that. But he still had to go do his job, see his friends, wake up in the morning and go to bed at night, but he had to do it all... empty. Without anything to look forward to... ever.

Andrew:
Sounds bad.

Xander:
Well, then she tore out his intestines and rubbed it in his face and took pictures of it.

Andrew:
Oh, God.

Xander:
But she's downstairs now. Don't worry about her.

The First (as Buffy):
I have to admit I'm glad it worked out this way, I was going to bleed Andrew but you look a lot better with your shirt off... To be honest, I'm getting a little tired of subtle... I think it's about time we brought some authority to our presence... Now Spike, you wanna see what a real vampire looks like?

Buffy:
[to Spike] You faced the monster inside of you and you fought back. You risked everything to be a better man. And you can be. You are. You may not see it, but I do. I believe in you, Spike.

Buffy:
[to Willow] He's been feasting off human blood for weeks. He's been having some pretty bad withdrawals. I think we need to get him some blood.

Willow:
[enthusiastically & happily] Do you want me to kill Anya?

Buffy:
No, we should probably try to wean him off humans. He'll have to make due with animal blood.

Willow:
I'll go get some then.

...

Buffy:
You don't mind?

Willow:
Oh no, I have to get out of the house, Xander is installing the new windows and he keeps giving lectures on proper tool maintenance. Tool talk not my thing.

Buffy:
Thank you.

Andrew:
Man, this place gives me the creeps. It's like in Wonder Woman, issue 297-299.

Xander:
"Catacombs". Yeah, with the skeletons.

Andrew, Xander:
That was cool.

[Pause]

Xander:
[embarrassed] Move it! This way!

[He shoves Andrew ahead.]

Xander:
Hey, junior Slayers, don't look so worried. I mean, sure, we don't know where Spike is or how to fight the First, or if and when the super-styled vampire is gonna attack us all. However, house - boarded up. Now all we gotta do is trap this Übervamp in the pantry, and it's game over.

Willow:
Xander, newbies. Let's ease them into the whole "jokes in the face of death" thing.

Xander:
Who's joking? That pantry thing could work. You saying M. Night Shyamalan lied to us?

Willow:
Uhm, Buffy? I just.. I-I want you to know that I'm, I'm really sorry for letting you down. You know, here, before with the magic going all "aaah" and me going all "eeeh" and everything getting all "rrrr".

Giles:
We're back at square one.

Xander:
Which square would that be, exactly?

Giles:
I'm not sure. The First predates everything we've ever known. Or can know. It's everywhere, it's pure. I don't know if we can fight it.

Buffy:
You're right. We don't know how to fight it. We don't know when it'll come. [We] can't run, can't hide... can't pretend it's not the end 'cause it is. Something has always... been there to try and destroy the world. We've... beaten them back, but we're not dealing with them anymore. We're dealing with the reason they exist. Evil. The strongest. The First.

Giles:
Buffy, I, um... I-I know you're... you're tired...

Buffy:
I'm beyond tired. I'm beyond scared. [near sobbing] I'm standing on the mouth of Hell and it is going to swallow me whole. [hardens] And it'll choke on me. We're not ready? They're not ready. They think we're gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I'm done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Well, we'll give 'em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now, 'cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on, we won't just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them, and cut out their hearts, one by one, until the First shows itself for what it really is. And I'll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil. And that's us. Any questions?

Willow:
[to Buffy] Are you sure this thing called itself The First?

Buffy:
Pretty sure. It claimed to be the original evil, the one that came before anything else.

Anya:
Please, how many times have I heard that line in my demon days? "I'm so rotten, they don't even have a word for it. I'm bad. Baddy bad bad bad. Does it make you horny?" [everyone stares at her] Or terrified. Whatever.

Xander:
Potential Slayers can function without sleep. Me, I'm no good without my usual 90 minutes.

Andrew:
I'm with him. Keep the chatter down! Or speak up so I can hear you... I'm bored. Episode I bored.

...

[About Andrew.]

Rona:
Um... why is that guy tied to a chair?

Xander:
The question you'll soon be asking is, "Why isn't he gagged?"

[Xander is undoing the extremely tight ropes around Andrew's arms.]

Andrew:
Ow! Watch it, that's my joystick hand.

Xander:
I'm not gonna touch that one.

...

Buffy:
You try anything, try to run---did you ever see the movie Misery?

Andrew:
Six times. But the book was scarier than the movie, 'cause instead of crushing his foot with a sledgehammer, Kathy Bates chops it off with...

[Andrew trails off as it sinks in. Buffy nods.]

Andrew:
I'll be good.

Andrew:
I think a guy slayer would be badass. Like-like if there was this ninja, a guy slayer would be like, "you may be silent, but this'll shut you up." Hiya.

Dawn:
Buffy could stomp ninja ass.

[To the Potential Slayers.]

Buffy:
We need to stick together, okay? We're stronger that way. We cannot afford to fall apart now.

Andrew:
She's right. Where would the Justice League have been if they hadn't put their differences aside to stop the Imperium and his shape-shifting alien horde?

Buffy:
Don't help me.

Willow:
Last time I tried using magic... the First, it turned it around on me, got inside. I felt it surging through me, every fibre of my being, pure undiluted evil. I could taste it.

Kennedy:
How's evil taste?

Willow:
A little chalky.

Buffy:
[on the phone at work] Well, I'm sorry Xander...next time, close the door when you take a shower at my house...of course they're curious!

Willow:
The smell will lead us to the potential.

Xander:
Or some poor soul who ate too many chimichangas.

Andrew:
Plucked from an ordinary life, handed a destiny

Xander:
Say Skywalker, and I smack ya.

...

Andrew:
It's like-well, it's almost like this metaphor for womanhood, isn't it? The sort of flowering that happens when a girl realizes that she's part of a fertile heritage stretching back to Eve, and-

Xander:
I'll pay you to talk about Star Wars again.

Vi:
It's like a gay bar...but with demons.

Xander:
They'll never know how tough it is, Dawnie, to be the one who isn't chosen. To live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody's watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You're not special. You're extraordinary.

Dawn:
Maybe that's your power.

Xander:
What?

Dawn:
Seeing, knowing.

Xander:
Maybe it is... Maybe I should get a cape.

Buffy:
I know. But you should go. This trip is important for the girls, to understand the source of their power, and know how to use it right.

Giles:
I don't think they appreciate the gravity of what we're undertaking. It's frightening and it's difficult. Then, apparently someone told them that the vision quest consists of me driving them to the desert, doing the hokey pokey.. until a spooky rasta mama slayer arrives and speaks to them in riddles.

Kennedy:
Let's start with the easy stuff. How long have you known... that you were gay?

Willow:
Wait. That's easy? And what, you just assume that I'm gay. I mean, presume much?

Kennedy:
Okay, sorry. How long have you enjoyed having sex with women?

Willow:
Hey! What, you think you have some sort of special lesbo-dar or something?

Kennedy:
Okay, you know there's a better word for that, right?

[Spike lies bleeding because of his malfunctioning control chip.]

Buffy:
Well, we'll fix it. We'll hit serious research mode-

Spike:
Good. Try Behavioral Modification Software Throughout the Ages.

Buffy:
[sighs] Okay. You're right. Not a book thing. [pauses] It's a phone thing.

Spike:
Who you gonna call?

[Buffy looks askance at him.]

Spike:
God, that phrase is never gonna be usable again, is it?

Buffy:
Doubt it.

Giles:
Now wait a minute-you think I'm evil... if I bring a group of girls on a camping trip and don't touch them?

Soldier:
Miss Summers! Agent Finn reported that you tried to contact him earlier today.

Buffy:
I knew it! [whispers to Spike] Government conspiracy.

Soldier:
He indicated you might be needing our assistance. We're to provide you anything you need to help Ass-Face here.

[Spike and Buffy stare at him.]

Soldier:
Those were his exact words, ma'am.

Buffy:
You think I'm losing sight of the big picture, but I'm not. When Spike had that chip, it was like having him in a muzzle. It was wrong. You can't beat evil by doing evil. I know that.

Lissa:
I can't even figure out if I've got the right kind of rope.

Xander:
That depends on what you need it for. Something like functional around the house, or, you know, recreational -- by which I mean, for example, boating or mountain climbing -- not for tying someone up for sexy, funky fun... In conclusion, rope can be useful in various ways.

Robin:
Well, then, I'd, um, I'd like to take you out to dinner, if that's all right with you. I mean, you don't have to. I'm certainly not saying come to dinner if you enjoy having a job. [chuckles] You know, I may have to make up a document saying I didn't just say that and have you sign it.

Buffy:
Sure. I'd be happy to have dinner with you.

Robin:
Great. I'll draw up the paperwork.

Buffy:
[about a date with Principal Wood] Or it could be work-related. Maybe I'm getting promoted for doing such a good job.

Willow:
[laughs heartily, then sees Buffy's look] Right, that makes sense too.

Buffy:
Or maybe he knows I suspect he's up to something, and he's taking me out to kill me.

Willow:
Well, you'll have to dress for the ambiguity.

Buffy:
You know, it's not even that he's acting that suspicious. It's just - there he is. On the hell mouth. All day, every day. That's got to be like being showered with evil. Only from underneath.

Willow:
Not really a shower.

Buffy:
A bidet. Like a bidet of evil.

...

Willow:
I'm gonna wait for that sentence to come around again before I jump on.

Spike:
I should move out. Leave town before it is time for me.

Buffy:
No, you have to stay.

Spike:
You've got another demon fighter now.

Buffy:
That's not why I need you here.

Spike:
Is that right? Why's that, then?

Buffy:
Because I'm not ready for you not to be here.

Spike:
Would you let it go? You're like a dog with a bone.

Anya:
So what?

Spike:
It's my bone! Just drop it.

Buffy:
Andrew is our... actually, he's our hostage.

Andrew:
I like to think of myself more as a "guest-age".

Willow:
Oh. Hey. Hi. Well, Buffy, I see our preparations for the... school... pep-dance-cheer-drill-contest are really coming along. "Bring it on!"

Buffy:
Will, it's okay, he knows.

Willow:
Oh, thank God. If I had to explain all these weapons? I had nothing.

Robin:
Buffy tells me you have been, umm... oh, how shall I put it?... experimenting... [long embarrassed pause] ...with the magics.

Willow:
Oh! Yeah. Oh, nothing too heavy, though. Just the lighter, safer stuff. Uh, if Kennedy asks, her pointy stuff's right there. See you inside. [to Buffy] So much cooler than Snyder!

Wood:
[when Willow left] She really almost destroyed the world?

Buffy:
Yep.

Buffy:
Oh I don't know. It's just... The First is coming... and look at us, the army! We've got a bunch of fighters with nothing to hit, a wicca who won't-a, and the brains of our operation wears oven mitts.

Xander:
Well, yeah, but only because you kinda told us to. You're our leader, Buffy, as in "follow the".

Buffy:
Well, from now on, I'm your leader as in "do what I say".

Xander:
Jawohl. But let's not try to forget, we're also your friends.

Anya:
I'm not.

Buffy:
Then why are you here? Aside from getting rescued, what is that you do?

Anya:
I provide much needed... sarcasm.

Xander:
Um... that'd kinda be my job actually.

[The scene opens with a Masterpiece Theatre-like setting, with Andrew reading a book.]

Andrew:
Oh, hello there, gentle viewers.

[He closes the book.]

Andrew:
You caught me catching up on an old favorite. It's wonderful to get lost in a story, isn't it? Adventure and heroics and discovery - don't they just take you away? Come with me now, if you will, gentle viewers. Join me on a new voyage of the mind. A little tale I like to call... Buffy, Slayer of the Vampyrs.

[A vampire knocks Buffy to the ground. Cut to Andrew in his "study."]

Andrew:
Ouch! My goodness! Things look bad for the Slayer, don't they? She didn't see that second vampire, concealed by cover of darkness, ready-

[There's a knock at the door, which Andrew ignores.]

Andrew:
... ready to attack and make her his own vampirical spawn.

[Cut to the bathroom, where Andrew sits on the closed toilet, trying to continue his narration.]

Andrew:
Let's rejoin them now to see-

[Suddenly, Anya barges in.]

Anya:
For God's sakes, Andrew! You've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing?

Andrew:
Entertaining and educating.

Anya:
Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?

Buffy:
Are you still filming me? Stop!

Andrew:
But it's a valuable record. An important document for the ages. A Slayer in action.

Buffy:
A nerd in pain. Would they like that? 'cause we could do that.

Andrew:
It's a full house. I think it's a good time to do some introductions, don't you, gentle viewers?

...

Andrew:
[bright fantasy shot, clear, emotional voice] You've already met Buffy. She's beautiful, with a lion's heart and the face of an angel. She's never afraid because she knows her side will always win. [Spike enters shot, somehow shirtless] Buffy and Spike have some kind of history. You can feel the heat between them although, technically as a vampire, he's room-temperature. [Anya enters shot, eating grapes] Anya. A feisty waif with a fiery temper and a vulnerable heart that she hides even from herself. [pan to unnamed Potential Slayer eating cereal] This lovely girl... [uncertain - back to normal voice] I don't remember her name.

Andrew:
There something you can see going on between Principal Wood and Spike ... sexual tension you could cut with a knife!

[Andrew is filming Spike smoking a cigarette. We see Spike through the camera]

Spike:
Hey, I told you get that thing out of my face! Now get out of here before I tear your head off!

Andrew:
Spike, the light was behind you.

Spike:
Oh sorry. [Takes a step forward] Hey, I told you to get that...

Buffy:
[about the school] Situation still normal. Well, or as normal as this school ever sees.

Robin:
So it appears.

Buffy:
Well, no fires, no one's heads going kablooey. And the swing choir and the marching band have gone back to their normal, healthy seething resentment.

Buffy:
Maybe you're right. Maybe everything is fine.

Giles:
Everything's terrible. Total catastrophe.

Buffy:
Giles, what's wrong?

Giles:
Have you seen the new library? There's nothing but computers. There's not a book to be seen. I - I don't know where to begin, Buffy. I mean, who do we speak to?

Robin:
Uh, that would - that would be me. Hi. I'm Robin Wood.

Giles:
Oh, sorry. Rupert Giles. Sorry. Buffy tells me you're something of a freelance demon fighter. [Robin closes door] Oh, yes, yes. I, um, I'm relieved. We're running dangerously low on allies.

Buffy:
So, we didn't stop it, then?

Giles:
Uh, no, the seers at the coven are certain the First is continuing to gather its forces. I'm afraid war is inevitable. [regarding the library] So, we should go before the school board.

Buffy:
So, did you bring back any Potentials?

Giles:
Um, rea- no. Actually, m-my, uh, my trip is about something else. It's-it's, um, regarding Spike.

Buffy:
Spike. What about him?

Giles:
I told you my concerns when you recklessly chose to remove the chip from his head.

Robin:
Wait, sorry - chip?

Giles:
Well, uh, it's a... long story.

Buffy:
The military put a chip in Spike's head so he couldn't hurt anyone.

Giles:
And that would be the abridged version.

Buffy:
But he wouldn't hurt anyone anymore because he has a soul now.

Giles:
Unless the First triggers him again.

Robin:
Triggers the chip?

Buffy:
No, the trigger's a post-hypnotic thing. The First put it in his head. It was... made him… He was killing again.

Robin:
So, he has a trigger, a soul, and a chip?

Giles:
Not anymore!

Buffy:
It was killing him, Giles!

Robin:
The trigger?

Buffy:
No, the chip. The trigger's not active anymore.

Robin:
Because the military gave him a soul?

[Giles tries to think an adequate response. Buffy glares at Robin, who gestures in surrender.]

Robin:
Uh... sorry.

Kennedy:
So, Spike's trigger's been active this entire time?

Rona:
How can Buffy take this for granted? I mean, he lives in our house, we train with him.

Anya:
Don't waste your time down that road. Spike's got some sort of "Get Out of Jail Free" card that doesn't apply to the rest of us. I mean, he could slaughter a hundred frat boys, and... [everyone shoots a look at Anya] Forgiveness makes us human, blah-dee-blah-blah-blah.

Andrew:
Willow, a call for you from L.A. Somebody named Fred. The guy sounds kind of effeminate.

Faith:
Whatcha wanna do to her, vamp? Huh? Somthin' like this? [punches Spike]

Spike:
(stands) Nice punch you got there. Lemme guess. Leather pants, nice right cross, doe eyes, holier-than-thou glower...you must be Faith.

Faith:
[shrugs and grins] Oh, goodie. I'm famous.

Spike:
Told you were coming. Bit of a misunderstanding here. I'm-

Faith:
Spike. [nods] Yeah, we've met before.

Spike:
We have? I don't think we- [Faith kicks Spike in the torso] Bloody hell! What're you doing? I'm on your side.

Faith:
Yeah? Maybe you haven't heard. I've reformed. [punches Spike]

Spike:
So have I. [punches Faith] I reformed way before you did. [Faith punches Spike] Stop... [punches Faith] hitting... [punches Faith again] me! We're on the same side.

Faith:
Please. You think I'm stupid?

Spike:
Well, yeah. [grins]

Faith:
You were attacking that girl. [punches Spike]

[Someone punches Faith in the face, knocking her down. Pan over to show it's Buffy.]

Buffy:
[innocently] Sorry, Faith. I didn't realize that was you.

Faith:
It's all right, B. Luckily, you still punch like you used to.

Buffy:
You OK?

Spike:
Yeah. Terrific.

Faith:
[to Buffy] You're protecting vampires? Are you the bad slayer now? Am I the good slayer now?

Buffy:
He's with me. He has a soul.

Faith:
Oh, he's like Angel?

Spike:
No!

Buffy:
Sort of.

Spike:
I am nothing like Angel.

Buffy:
He fights on my side. Which is more than I can say for some of us.

Spike:
Angel's dull as a table lamp! And we have very different coloring.

Faith:
Yeah, well if he's so good, what's he doing chasing down defenseless-

[The young woman that Spike was chasing stands up, growls, and attacks Faith, knocking her down.]

Buffy:
That's one of the bad guys.

Faith:
You should make 'em wear a sign.

Caleb:
"Drink of this, for it is my blood." You know, I always loved the story of the Last Supper. The body and blood of Christ becoming rich, red wine. I recall, as a boy, though, I couldn't help but think: what would happen if you were at the Last Supper, and you ordered the white? A nice oaky Chardonnay or White Zin. I mean, would he make that out of his lymph or some-all? Never did bring it up. Suppose there was a reason why I never spent too long in one parish. Just looking for answers. Just looking for the Lord in the wrong damn places. Then you showed me the light.

Faith:
Every guy's got some whack fantasy. Scratch the surface of any granola-type dude - naughty nurses and horny cheerleaders... I figure, if you can't beat 'em-

Spike:
Join 'em.

Faith:
Just don't forget who's on top.

Spike:
That, I suspect, would be you.

Xander:
I've been through more battles with Buffy than you all can ever imagine. She's stopped everything that's ever come up against her. [Buffy and Faith walk in] She's laid down her life -- literally -- to protect the people around her. This girl has died two times, and she's still standing. You're scared? That's smart. You got questions? You should. But you doubt her motives, you think Buffy's all about the kill, then you take the little bus to battle... I've seen her heart, and this time, not literally. And I'm telling you, right now, she cares more about your lives than you will ever know. You gotta trust her. She's earned it.

Faith:
Damn. I never knew you were that cool.

Buffy:
Well, you always were a little slow.

Caleb:
[to Faith] Well, you're the other one, aren't you. You're Cain to her Abel. No offense meant to Cain, of course.

Faith:
I never was one for the good book.

Caleb:
Oh, it has its moments.

Xander:
I might need a parrot.

Willow:
Huh?

Xander:
Well, to go with the eyepatch, to really complete the look. I think I still have that costume from Halloween.

Willow:
Yeah, and don't underestimate the impact of a peg leg. Maybe the hospital can hook you up with a nice one. Maybe they have a two-body-parts-for-the-price-of-one kind of deal.

Xander:
Oh, you know what the best part is? No one will ever make me watch "Jaws 3-D" again.

Anya:
Okay... I know you're all upset... and I, myself, would much rather be sitting at the bedside of my one-eyed ex-fiancé than killing time here with you people in this overcrowded and, might I add, increasingly ripe-smelling basement. And I would be, too, if not for a certain awkward discussion he and I recently had right over there on that cot immediately following some exciting and unexpected breakup sex.

[The Potentials on the cot awkwardly get off it. Andrew jots down "breakup sex" on the board.]

Giles:
There's evidence that Caleb may have established a foothold up north.

Buffy:
That's great.

Giles:
I, em, I sent Spike to look into it.

Buffy:
Spike. Is this a mission from which you intend Spike to return alive?

Giles:
Yes. I sent Andrew with him.

Buffy:
Again I ask the question.

Andrew:
You sure you don't wanna stop and pick up some burgers or something, you know, road trip food?

Spike:
It's not a road trip. It's a covert operation.

Andrew:
Right. Right. Gotcha... I-I bet even covert operatives eat curly fries. They're really good.

Spike:
Not as good as those onion blossom things.

Andrew:
Ooh, I love those.

Spike:
Yeah, me, too.

Andrew:
It's an onion... and it's a flower. I-I don't understand how such a thing is possible.

Spike:
See, the genius of it is, you soak it in ice water for an hour so it holds its shape. Then you deep-fry it root-side up for about 5 minutes.

Andrew:
Masterful.

Spike:
Yeah. Tell anyone we had this conversation, I'll bite you.

Andrew:
Right.

Anya:
And it's automatically you. You really do think you're better than we are.

Buffy:
No, I-

Anya:
But we don't know. We don't know if you're actually better. I mean, you came into the world with certain advantages, sure. I mean, that's the legacy.

Buffy:
I-

Anya:
But you didn't earn it. You didn't work for it. You've never had anybody come up to you and say you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn't make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us.

Kennedy:
All I'm saying is now that Buffy's not here, we finally have some say in how and when we lose our necks.

Robin:
Maybe you don't have to be so blunt about the "losing of the necks" bit.

Anya:
Let the girl speak the truth. We're all on death's door, repeatedly ringing the doorbell, like maniacal Girl Scouts trying to make quota.

Buffy:
We were never close. You just wanted me because I was... unattainable.

Spike:
You think that's all that was?

Buffy:
Please, let's not go over the past.

Spike:
Oh, no, no! Oh, let's hold on here! I've hummed along to your pity ditty. I think I should have the mic for a bit.

Buffy:
Fine. The stage is yours. Cheer me up.

Spike:
You're insufferable.

Buffy:
Thank you. That really helped.

Spike:
I'm not tryin' to cheer you up.

Buffy:
Then what are you trying to say?

Spike:
I don't know! I'll know when I'm done sayin' it. Something pissed me off, and I just-- "unattainable," that's it.

Buffy:
Fine. I'm attainable. I'm a-- I'm an "attain-a-thon." May I please just go to sleep?

Spike:
You listen to me. I've been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I prefer you didn't. Don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood... which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred-plus years, and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of. You... Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it's not because I want you, or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are. What you do. How you try. I've seen your kindness, and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you, and I understand, with perfect clarity, exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the One, Buffy.

Buffy:
I don't want to be the One.

Spike:
I don't want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear.

Robin:
That's exactly what The First does. Finds your Achilles' heel.

Faith:
Nah, it just talked to me. What? It does a heel thing, too?

Robin:
It's a phrase. Your weak spot.

Faith:
Oh. The school thing. I was kind of absent that decade.

Andrew:
Hi, everybody. I missed you guys a lot. Sorry we took so long getting back from our mission... But we had to wait out the sun and, well, I think our mission went very well. We rode on Spike's hog, which was very cool, and played some amusing games and, oh, we got some information. But do you know what? I really need to urinate.

The First (as Buffy):
I envy them. Isn't that the strangest thing?

Caleb:
Well, it does throw me just a tad. I mean, they're barely more than animals. Feedin' off each other's flesh, it's nauseatin'. But you, you're everywhere. You're in the hearts of little children. You're in the souls of the rich. You're the fire that makes people kill and hate. The fire that will cure the world of weakness. They're just sinners. You are sin.

The First (as Buffy):
I do enjoy your sermons.

Caleb:
And you're in me. Gave me strength no man can have.

The First (as Buffy):
You're the only man strong enough to BE my vessel and I know you feel me, but... I know why they grab at each other. To feel. I want to feel. I want to wrap my hands around some innocent neck and feel it crack.

Caleb:
Amen.

Buffy:
I think it's maybe some kind of scythe. The only thing I know for sure is that it made Caleb back off in a hurry.

Willow:
[to Giles] So it's true. Scythe matters.

Faith:
There's only supposed to be one. Maybe that's why you and I can never get along. We're not supposed to exist together.

Buffy:
Also, you went evil and were killing people.

Faith:
Good point. Also a factor.

Buffy:
But you're right. I mean, like... I guess everyone's alone, but... being a Slayer? There's a burden we can't share.

Faith:
And no one else can feel it... Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers.

Buffy:
Takes the edge off.

Faith:
[nods] Comforting.

Anya:
And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die, which they-they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane... and yet here's the thing. When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting, but they do! They never... they never quit. So I guess I'll keep fighting too.

Andrew:
That was kind of beautiful. You, you love humans.

Anya:
I do not.

Andrew:
Yes you do. [singing] You love them.

Ancient Woman:
You pulled it out of the rock. I was one of those who put it in there.

Buffy:
What is it?

Ancient Woman:
[admires the scythe] A weapon. A scythe. Forged in secrecy for one like you who... I'm sorry. What's your name?

Buffy:
Buffy.

Ancient Woman:
No, really. [Buffy shrugs] We forged it in secrecy and kept it hidden from the Shadow Men, who-

Buffy:
Yeah. Met those guys. Didn't really care too much for 'em.

Ancient Woman:
Ahh, yes, then you know. And they became the watchers. And the watchers watched the slayers. But we were watching them.

Buffy:
Oh! So you're like... what are you?

Ancient Woman:
Guardians. Women who want to help and protect you. We forged this centuries ago, halfway around the world.

Buffy:
Hence, the Luxor Casino theme.

Ancient Woman:
Forged there, it was put to use right here... to kill the last pure demon that walked upon the Earth. The rest were already driven under. And then there were men here, and then there were monks. And then there was a town, and now there was you. And the scythe remained hidden.

Buffy:
I don't understand. How is it possible that we didn't know any of this?

Guardian:
We hid, too. We had to, until now. We're the last surprise.

Guardian:
One way or another, it can only mean an end is truly near.

Caleb:
[grabs guardian's head from behind and snaps her neck] I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that last part, on account of her neck snapping and all. Did she say the end is near, or here?

Buffy:
[about Spike] It's different. He's different. He has a soul now... What?

Angel:
That's great! Everyone's got a soul now.

Buffy:
He'll make a difference.

Angel:
You know, I started it. The whole having-a-soul. Before it was... all the cool new thing.

Buffy:
Oh my god, are you twelve?

Angel:
I'm getting the brush-off for Captain Peroxide. It doesn't necessarily bring out the champion in me.

Buffy:
You're not getting the brush off. Are you just gonna come here and go all Dawson on me every time I have a boyfriend?

Angel:
Aha! [points] Boyfriend!

Willow:
This goes beyond anything I've ever done. It's a total loss of control, and not in a nice, wholesome, my-girlfriend-has-a-pierced-tongue kind of way.

Faith:
Guy looks at me, let's just say his priorities... shift.

Robin:
Why, because you're so hot?

Faith:
Is what it is, yo.

Robin:
Oh, please! I am so much prettier than you are. Oh, and, uh, for the record, our little encounter didn't exactly change my world.

Faith:
[stops grinning] You're trippin'! That was rock 'em, sock 'em!

Robin:
No, no, no, no! It was, it was nice enough, you know, and-and you're, you're very, um, um, enthused, and, I think with a little more experience, you-

Faith:
Dude, I got mad skills!

Robin:
Yeah, of course. Let's finish up.

Faith:
[takes off her belt] Oh, hell with that! We're going again, baby. You're gonna learn a little respect here, pal.

Robin:
Faith, [laughs] make me a deal, all right? We live through this, you give me the chance to surprise you.

Faith:
What would be the surprise?

Robin:
You... do know the meaning of the word, right?

Faith:
Fine. Deal.

Robin:
Good enough. [goes back to work]

Faith:
No way you're prettier than me.

Robin:
Little bit, yeah.

Buffy:
So here's the part where you make a choice. What if you could have that power, now? In every generation, one Slayer is born, because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. [points to Willow] This woman... is more powerful than all of them combined. [Willow whimpers] So I say we change the rule. I say my power... should be our power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the Scythe to change our destiny. From now on, every girl in the world who might be a Slayer, will be a Slayer. Every girl who could have the power, will have the power, can stand up, will stand up. Slayers... every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?

Vi:
These guys are dust.

Buffy:
So, what do you guys wanna do tomorrow?

Willow:
Nothing strenuous.

Xander:
Well, mini-golf is always the first thing that comes to mind.

Giles:
I think we can do better than that.

Buffy:
I was thinking about shopping. As per usual.

Willow:
Oh. There's an Arden B. in the new mall.

Xander:
Oh, good. I could use a few items.

Giles:
Well, now aren't we gonna discuss this? Save the world or go to the mall?

Buffy:
I'm having a wicked shoe craving.

Xander:
Aren't you on the patch?

Willow:
Those never work.

Buffy:
Never.

Giles:
And here I am, invisible to the eye, not having any vote.

Xander:
See, I need a new look. It's this whole eye patch thing.

Buffy:
Oh, you could go with full black secret agent look.

Willow:
Or the puffy shirt, pirate slash...

Giles:
The Earth is definitely doomed.

Buffy:
I love you.

Spike:
No you don't. But thanks for sayin' it.

Faith:
Looks like the Hellmouth is officially closed for business.

Giles:
There's another one in Cleveland. [everyone stares] Not to spoil the moment.

Xander:
We saved the world.

Willow:
We changed the world. I can feel them, Buffy. All over. Slayers are awakening everywhere.

Dawn:
We'll have to find them.

Willow:
We will.

Giles:
Yes, because the mall was actually in Sunnydale, so there's no hope of going there tomorrow.

Dawn:
We destroyed the mall? I fought on the wrong side.

Xander:
All those shops, gone. The Gap, Starbucks, Toys 'R' Us... Who will remember all those landmarks unless we tell the world of them?

Giles:
We have a lot of work ahead of us.

Faith:
Can I push him in?

Willow:
You've got my vote.

Faith:
I just want to sleep, yo, for like a week!

Dawn:
I guess we all could. If we wanted to.

Willow:
Yeah! The First is scrunched, so, what do you think we should do, Buffy?

Faith:
Yeah, you're not the one and only Chosen anymore. Just gotta live like a person. How's that feel?

Dawn:
Yeah, Buffy. What are we going to do now?

[Buffy begins to flash a happy smile]