Call Me Kat, Season 3

Ken Jennings:
You know, I was really hoping to sleep on this flight.

Kat:
Well, you're definitely better at making money than I am. But maybe I'm a little better at being nice to people.

Kat:
Oh, I spoke to them. They're cool with you.

Phil:
Here's an easy one. At what blood alcohol concentration are you impaired?

Kat:
You can't drive with an expired license.

Sheila:
Watch me, 4 eyes.

Kat:
Give me your keys.

Sheila:
If you want my keys, you'll have to take them.

Phil:
Dang, that made my neck tingle.

Kat:
Now, Thor, some of the exhibits on early humans will feature some tasteful nudity.

Max:
So try not to stare.

Kat:
And definitely, no touching. Learned that the hard way.

Max:
Grade school field trip?

Kat:
Last month.

Max:
So, that's why the security guard keeps following us.

Kat:
Look at you. Good with babies.

Max:
To be fair, I do the same thing with Carter when he's cranky. Do you want to hold him?

Kat:
Oh, no thanks. The only, tiny, whiny thing I like is Phil.

Kat:
I'm gonna go to the restroom before we hit the gem and mineral exhibit, because we are going to be there a long time. I get very fired up about igneous rocks. Lava, fire. But, when you see the plaque, you're going to erupt with laughter.

Max:
Stop it.

Kat:
Okay. That was the last one. I promise.

[first lines]

Kat:
Alright, thank you all for coming. Got a big announcement.

Carter:
You getting a haircut?

Randi:
You really think she asked all of us here at 7:00 AM to tell us that she's getting a haircut?

Carter:
That's what I would do.

Sheila:
I know what it is. She's finally coming out. Everyone pay me.

Kat:
Mother, I'm not gay.

Phil:
She's definitely not gay. My gaydar never fails. Except with Anderson Cooper. How did I miss that?

Kat:
Anyway, thank you all for being here. You're basically my family, even you, mother. So, here's my big news. I'm gonna have a baby!

Max:
What?

Phil:
How?

Carter:
When?

Randi:
Why?

Max:
I'd like to circle back. What?

Kat:
Uh, the correct response is "Yay, Kat! We're so happy for you!".

Phil:
Oh, my highness. You ain't seen nothing yet.

Kat:
Seriously, 1 ply?! Might as well scoot on the floor like a puppy.

Kat:
This is from you?

Max:
I had it made for the baby. You know, silver king bird. Silver Bird.

Kat:
A Silver Bird Production.

Max:
Yeah, because I was gonna be the dad and you're gonna do the...

[first lines]

Kat:
Look who I'm kissing. It's Max! Can you believe it?!

Kat:
So, last night was fun. But, also stuff that friends don't normally do.

Max:
Yeah. Yeah. Are we friends who just had a crazy night or are we...

Max:
Hidden figures? It's about ladies who do math for the space program.

Kat:
I know. Say it again.

Max:
Wait, you're really gonna go?

Kat:
Yeah. She's losing her eyesight. And when they took away her license, I promised I would help her out.

Max:
Okay.

Max:
Phil! That is my foot!

Carter:
I'm really sorry about it earlier. I guess I put the ass in Christmas. I'm so stressed about money.

Randi:
Why do you want a fancy beer tap anyway?

Carter:
I just wanted to be perfect, like you.

Randi:
Oh, it is perfect.

Randi:
I'm glad we went to the wedding, but 17 hours on a plane was brutal.

Max:
At least you weren't sitting next to a crying baby the whole time.

Carter:
I couldn't help it. It was such a beautiful wedding. I just love. Love!

Kat:
Alright, everyone. Wedding slideshow is done. Gather around.

Kat:
Love. Light.

All:
Leslie.

Dolly Parton:
Dear friend, there'll be. No sad farewell. There'll be no tear-dimmed eyes. Where all is peace, and joy and love, and the soul of man never dies. Now, that's some lines from the song that you and I did together. I know usually, at a memorial, people talk about somebody. Well, I'm gonna talk to you. 'Cause there is that place on the other side, and I'm certainly gonna see you there, little brother. You left a lot of people here with a lot of precious, precious memories. Everybody loved you. But I doubt that many of 'em loved you more than I did. Anyhow, I just want you to know that we all love you, we all miss you and I bet you're having a big laugh over all of us being sad and sorrowful and I know that would be the last thing you would want us to be. So, anyway, you made us happy while you were here, and we're happy that you're at peace. And I just want you to know that I will always love you. Goodbye, my sweet Leslie. See you over there.

["Where the Soul Never Dies" by Leslie Jordan featuring Dolly Parton is played. The text reads:
"Love, Light, Leslie.".]

[final lines]

Sheila:
You know my favorite part of bingo? This.

Kat:
Oh. You'll get there. I mean, there's water aerobics tomorrow at 9:00. Try not to make jokes about Charlie Speedo. It covers less than my thought.

Kat:
But we're not just looking for a new baker. We're looking for a new member of the family.

Randi:
Oh, not me, I got too much family. I need muffins.

Kat:
See, Randi's the sassy younger sister and I'm the cool older sister where you're like "She's valedictorian and makes her own blue jeans? What?".

Kat:
When I was in high school, I tried to start a clique for people who weren't in cliques. Got squeezed out. Stupid Ashley and her eye patch. I swear it changed sides.

Randi:
Okay, well, thank you for coming in.

Randi:
No, this is different.

Kat:
Uh-oh. What's going on over here?

Kat:
Oh, my gosh, look at that thing, it's huge.

Max:
That's what she said.

Max:
We can't watch the Super Bowl on something that small. It would just be, the bowl.

Kat:
What happened?

Max:
Well, I got done recording, I got in my car, and then I realized: "Screw this. I got nothing but bad feelings for him.".

Max:
I used to wake up on Saturday mornings to watch cartoons, find him passed out on the couch, turn his head to the side, so he wouldn't choke on his own vomit and then sit down to watch Scooby-Doo. He would have died if it wasn't for this meddling kid. So please, just drop it.

Kat:
I think you're making a mistake.

Max:
What part of I don't want to see him, don't you get? I know you think the world is all rainbows and cat memes but this is my life, Kat. And it's none of your business.

Randi:
And just so you know you wrap the bottles in a towel, fool.

Kat:
No! We're gonna sneak in this locked gate. Uh, whoa. Rebellious much. Climb this bad boy.

Kat:
Were you applying for a job at the firm of liar liar and pants on fire?

Sheila:
That's just it. When I was younger, I was all of those things. I mean, I was a working woman in a time when it was very hard to be taken seriously, and I took pride in showing the world that, pretty girls could contribute to. I was just as good as any of those agos.

Max:
Snowball. Off. Not a toy.

Carter:
Are we worried that green is going to make us crave pizza?

Randi:
What?

Sheila:
Here we go again!

Carter:
Green, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, pizza? I can't believe I had to explain that.

Darren:
Are you looking at Randi's dress?

Kat:
Oh, there you are in the same clothes as you wore yesterday.

Kat:
Third chair. Whatevs.

Max:
Yeah. We had so much fun over the years.

[A cymbal crash sound effect is heard.]

Max:
What the hell?!

[Kat, still in the bathtub, holds 2 cymbals with her hands.]

Kat:
You would not believe what I have in this bathtub.

Max:
I've never known anyone like you.

Brigitte:
Max, do you want anything other than champagne?

Max:
No, I'm good.

Carter:
Baby?

Randi:
I can't do this.

Carter:
What?

Randi:
I want to get married like the couple before us.

Carter:
In Spanish?

Randi:
No, with all of our friends and family around. And I so appreciate you wanted to do this for me, but baby, you were right. I want the first dance, I want my dad to walk me down the aisle, I want Sheila to bag a groomsman young enough to make things weird.

Kat:
Oh, she's gonna get that.

Randi:
I want the whole thing. I want to stand up in front of all those people and tell them how much I love you.

Carter:
Baby.

Kat:
Aw. I love y'all.

Max:
This means I get to use my license from FiveMinuteMinister.net.

Kat:
The limericks are coming fast and furious. Someone got a pencil? I need a pencil. You got a pencil?