Charmed, Season 2

Phoebe:
Hello? Anybody home? Sister witches, guess what?

Piper:
Oh, oh. Are you nuts?

Phoebe:
What are you doing?

Rob:
Hi.

Phoebe:
Hi.

(Piper freezes Rob.)

Piper:
Ooh!

Phoebe:
Hi.

Piper:
Sister witches? I can't believe you said that. What's the matter with you?

Phoebe:
How was I supposed to know that you were gonna be here with anybody? Last I heard that you were meeting a banker friend about the loan. Is this the credit check?

Piper:
Are you out of your mind?

Phoebe:
What was I supposed to do? Say no? Look at that poor girl.

Dan:
Jenny? Jenny, come on. Talk to me.

Prue, Piper and Phoebe:
Whoa!

Phoebe:
What have we got to lose, okay?

Piper:
Well, apparently we've got our clothes to lose.

Phoebe:
I see that.

Piper:
No. Whoa, whoa. Wait. What are you doing?

Phoebe:
When in Rome...

Piper:
No! No! No! We're not in Rome, Phoebe. We're in California and it's illegal here!

Phoebe:
Wow, what did you buy?

Piper:
Doody.

Prue:
We weren't out of that.

Piper:
No. I step it, again. That man has turned our frontwalk into puppy main field.

Phoebe:
I can not believe that guy still lets his dog do his bussines right in front of our house.

Prue:
Well, we've left notes.

Piper:
Yes, and that left no where.

Phoebe:
Yes, well, I've had it. Next time I catch him in the act I'm gonna get him a piece of my mind.

Piper:
That couldn't be.

Phoebe:
Oh, I hope it is.

Piper:
That's them. That's a guy and his dog. I can't believe it.

Prue:
That is so rude. He's just gonna walk away.

Phoebe:
Then don't let him. Use your magic.

Piper:
Uh?

Phoebe:
Well, if you can't teach the dog new tricks, how about the owner? Just think on the money we'll save on carpet cleaning alone.

Prue:
Phoebe, we can't use our magic just to teach him or anybody else a lesson.

Phoebe:
Why not? It's for the greater good. I mean that's our job, right? Think of it as a community service. We will do a whole block a favor. Come on! Ok, Piper.

Piper:
Hope he's not out of my range.

Phoebe:
Prue?

Piper:
Nice shot.

Phoebe:
An eye for an eye, a shoe for shoe. Oh, oh.

Prue:
Did he see you?

Phoebe:
So what if he did? What's he gonna do? Cry a witch? (the girls turn away from the window) Well, we've done our good deed for the day. I think I deserve 15 minutes of channel surfing.

Piper:
Who wants coffee?

Prue:
I'll grind.

Phoebe:
(gasps)

Prue:
Phoebe, are you okay?

Piper:
Take a deep breathe, honey. It's all right.

Phoebe:
No, it's not. I saw my future. I was being executed. Burned alive.

Piper:
Why would a report about baseball player trigger a premonition like that?

Phoebe:
I don't know. All I know is that I could feel it. I could feel the fire.

Piper:
And we were just standing there? That can't be right.

Phoebe:
That's what I saw.

Prue:
There's no way that we would let that happen. Not in the past, present or future.

Phoebe:
What did I do? Or, what is it that I'm going to do?

Piper:
That's Leo, I'll get that. (she opens the door) Hey, stranger.

Leo:
Is that what I am now?

Piper:
Mhm. Playing hooky?

Leo:
Well, they're making me work tonight, so I got the afternoon off.

Piper:
Mmm, the old "gotta save the world" excuse again?

Leo:
Oh, like you've never had to use it. (Piper hesitates) You're about to use it.

Piper:
Well, there is just something I have to do. Maybe you could...

Leo:
(jingling, Leo looks up) Now?

Piper:
Leo?

Leo:
That's okay, I...You go, there's actually something I have take care, so...

Piper:
Well, we really need to talk about things, you know about... where we stand.

Leo:
Yeah, we do. Rain check?

Piper:
That's what we do best. (they kiss, but Leo orbs mid-kiss) I hate when he does that.

Prue:
(going up to the attic) So, what did he want?

Piper:
To cancel our date. He's working late, again.

Phoebe:
You didn't ask him what we should do?

Piper:
He had to fly, literally. The pages are doing that flipping thing on their own again.

Prue:
It's a spell to take us to the future.

Piper:
Two, actually. One to send us and one to bring us home. But, apparently we only get one shot. Once we use it, they disappear.

Phoebe:
Wait a minute you guys. We almost died going back to the past, this is not something that you just do.

Prue:
We're talking about your life, Phoebe.

Phoebe:
And I'm talking about yours, Prue. I'm just saying, I think that we should think this over a little bit.

Prue:
Look, you had that premonition today for a reason. It must mean we're supposed to do something about it. And, going in the future may be the only way to find out what you did to put you on that pyre.

Phoebe:
How do you know it's something that I did? I mean, it might be a demon or a warlock that puts me there.

Prue:
Do you really wanna wait to find out? Okay, pack your bags. We go, try and figure out what happened, and hopefully come back with enough information to stop it. We're gonna need a date, Phoebe.

Phoebe:
Uh, February 12th 2009. That's two weeks before the date I saw in my premonition.

Prue:
All right, that should give to us more than enough time to figure out what put you there.

Piper:
I wonder how I look.

Phoebe:
Piper, you look great. This is hardly the time to...

Piper:
Not now, in the future. When we were back to the seventies we saw ourselves as kids, and now we'll be seeing ourselves walking around ten years older? All the vanquishing? Think about the wear and tear.

Prue:
Okay, well...

Prue:
Hear these words, hear the rhyme,

Piper:
We send to you this burning sign,

Phoebe:
Then our future selves we'll find,

Prue:
In another place and time.

Melinda:
Mommy, mommy, mommy!

Piper:
Uh, you... I think you have the wrong house. Certainly the wrong mommy.

Melinda:
Stop fooling! Carpool!

(Piper sees newscast about Phoebe)

Piper:
Phoebe? Where's the volume?

TV:
Command recognized.

Melinda:
Mommy, I'm gonna be late!

Piper:
Uh, okay! Um...TV, shut up! Mute! Something. (she walks to the door)

Carpool Neighbor:
Morning, Piper. You alright?

Piper:
I guess.

Carpool Neighbor:
Yeah, it's a... with your sister, it's rough, I know. So, don't worry about your little one. I'll get her to school like you asked but uh, you sure you want me to take her to your ex's?

Piper:
Ex? As in husband? As in mine? Yes, if that is what I told you, then yes.

Carpool Neighbor:
So, you and he are getting along better now?

Piper:
Maybe. Prue? Prue?!

Carpool Neighbor:
Okay, let's hit the road.

Melinda:
(She goes, but turns back, and whispers) Don't worry, mommy. I promise I'll do what you asked. I won't use my magic again, ever.

(Piper goes outside and watches them drive off. A limo pulls up. Prue and her assistants get out of the limo. They fuss over her by brushing and touching her.)

Prue:
Hey, hey, people. Okay, enough! People stop touching me! Stay, stay.

Piper:
Prue, what's going on?

Prue:
I don't know, but I could really get used to it. I mean, check me out. I don't just work at Bucklands, I own it. And three more. Paris, Tokyo and London.

Piper:
And you're blonde.

Prue:
Yeah, strange.

Piper:
Wait, you had time to get to work already?

Prue:
Well, actually, I woke up there but it was amazing. I had all these assistants and this huge office. And I have a chauffeur and he's so totally hot. Uh... How'd you do?

(Piper ironically laughs)

Prue:
Is that a good thing or...?

(Piper and Prue get in the house)

Piper:
Well if you ignore my apparently failed marriage and the fact that I'm still living in the manor...

Prue:
Wait, you are married?

Piper:
Was. My daughter is on her way...

Prue:
Wait. Stop right there. You have a daughter?

Piper:
Yeah. And, and, and... she's... she's beautiful.

Prue:
Oh, of course she is. What's her name?

Piper:
Oh God! I don't know. But Prue, she... she has powers. But for some reason I told her not to use them. Why would I do that?

Prue:
Uh, speaking of why... Why are we in our future bodies? I mean, I thought we were just supposed to come here and see them.

Piper:
Well, apparently going to the past isn't the same as going to the future. I just wish that, since we are in our future bodies, we could have some memory of what's happened in the last ten years, like how I got a daughter!

Prue:
Okay, wait a second. If I'm in my future body, and you are in your future body, then that means that Phoebe...

Piper:
Oh, TV! Louder, louder!

TV:
Command recognized.

(in the middle of TV report)

Piper:
Eight hours? We were supposed to be here two weeks before!

Prue:
Shhhh!

Prue:
Oh, surprise! Here we go, up the stairs, into the attic, grabing the Book of Shadows. Please tell me we're still not gonna be doing this in ten years!

Piper:
Apparently not.

Prue:
What?

Piper:
The Book is gone.

Prue:
There's gotta be here. We need it to find a return spell.

Piper:
Prue...

Prue:
Piper, just help me look for it.

Piper:
Okay, relax, we'll find it.

Prue:
You don't know that! I mean, what if it's lost? What if we can't find it? Then we're stuck in our future bodies, with no way of getting out of them, and no way of saving Phoebe!

(Prue blows up things on the attic with her improved telekinisis.)

Piper:
Uh... Been working out?

Prue:
Well, I guess that's a little example of what ten years does to our powers.

Piper:
And to our attic!

Prue:
Hm.

Piper:
The key.

Prue:
It's the key of my wallsafe at Bucklands.

Piper:
Do you think that means it's there? We've never taken the Book out of the house before.

Prue:
Yeah, we haven't, but maybe our future selves have. The question is why.

Piper:
We don't even know what we're like in this time for let alone what we think. But if the Book is at Bucklands maybe it will give us some answers.

Prue. All right, then we go there first, then to Phoebe, to see if she's alright. Sorry about the mess.

Piper:
Mhm...

Piper:
I can't believe you get a limo and a driver, and I still got my same old car.

Prue:
You have a husband.

Piper:
Had a husband, you mean. I'm getting divorced, remember? And how do you know you don't have a guy in this time? I mean, after all, I have a kid and an ex, you could have several.

Prue:
Ex's?

Piper:
No, kids. I mean, we're in a future, but with no memory of the past ten years. I don't even know who my ex husband...

(A man holding a cup of coffee bumps into someone and Piper freezes him before it spills. They look around and notice everything is frozen.)

Prue:
Okay, apparently my power isn't the only one that's grown. You just froze...

Piper:
Everything! What a difference a decade makes.

Leo:
What the hell are you doing?!

Piper:
Leo, I'm so glad you're here. I have so many... (She goes to hug him but he backs away.) Uh...what's wrong?

Leo:
You know, I knew you'd do something stupid like this. You used you magic in public. What's the matter with you? Are you insane?

Piper:
Uh, Leo...

Prue:
Remember, he thinks we know what's going on.

Leo:
You wanna end up like your sister? Huh? We had an agreement. No using magic for Melinda's sake.

Piper:
Melinda?

Leo:
Our daughter. What's wrong with you?

Piper:
Our daughter?

Prue:
Wait a second, you're Piper's ex?

Phoebe:
Prue? Piper?

Pratt:
They haven't been to visit you before. Why would they come now? No... They're going to be as happy to get rid of you as I am.

Phoebe:
Who are you?

Pratt:
(laughs) I'm sorry, it's been so long since my last visit. Executions are bitched to plan: logistics, alerting the media, gathering the kindling.

Phoebe:
Uh... you know, I've had a lot of time to do some thinking about... why I'm here.

Pratt:
Well... no matter thinking will change the outcome. Justice will be served for your crime.

Phoebe:
But it wasn't really a big crime, was it?

Pratt:
You are truly evil. What bigger crime is there than taking a man's life?

Phoebe:
(seems shocked) I killed someone?

Pratt:
(laughs) Phoebe, what is this? An atempt to stay your execution? Play insanity? Won't work. You have five hours to live - tik tok.

Phoebe:
What? Five hours? But that's not possible.

Pratt:
Well... I'm happy to see the seriousness of your crime has finally hit you. See... you represent everything I apore. You're a threat. A danger to everything that is good and pure in our world.

Phoebe:
You're talking out of fear. Just because you don't understand something doesn't make it evil.

Pratt:
No, it's you who doesn't understand! You killed the man using your power, and now you're gonna die because of it! I only wish that I can burn all of your kind with you! But don't worry... in time I will. This is only the beginning.

Leo:
Nobody's gonna rescue you.

Phoebe:
If that is some kind of Whitelighter humor, let me be the first to tell you, you are not a very funny race of people.

Leo:
I wish you remembered what you'd done. It'd make this so much easier. Your future self used witchcraft for vengeance, Phoebe. Pratt is using that as a platform.

Phoebe:
Why does everyone think I killed someone? I wouldn't. I mean, I couldn't. What did I do? Premonition the man to death? My power is passive.

Leo:
Not in the future. It's grown. It's changed. As have you. Which means unfortunately you have to suffer to consequences.

Phoebe:
I don't believe it.

Piper:
What is it? What's wrong?

Prue:
I have no one to say goodbye to. My life...they didn't even know who you were at the office, my own sister. If we die tonight, my tombstone will read "Here lies Prue, she worked hard."

Piper:
We're not gonna die. We're gonna find a way back to the present and we'll create a new future.

Prue:
What if we can't? What if we can never get home? According to Phoebe's premonition we fail.

Piper:
Our future selves fail. We still got a shot.

Prue:
You're right, you're right. Let's go get Phoebe.

Pratt:
Let today be a lesson to all those who would seek to defy human nature with their way of life. Let today serve notice that black magic will not be tolerated in our society, and let today be remembered as the day we burned the witch!

Prue:
Piper, freeze him!

Phoebe:
Prue! Piper!

Piper:
Come on, we're getting you out of here.

Phoebe:
No, wait. You can't. Prue, I'm serious.

Prue:
What are you talking about?

Phoebe:
You guys have to leave. I...deserve to be here. Or, my future self does.

Piper:
But, you killed a killer. Don't be ridiculous.

Prue:
Look, this is Pratt's personal crusade. This isn't about us, this is about him. Wherever we go, he will follow us. He will hunt us. He will hunt our families. If anybody should be punished, it should be him. (she stops, and raises her hand to move Pratt onto the pyre)

Phoebe:
Prue, what are you doing?!

Prue:
(she stares at her hand, and back at Pratt) Saving the future for good witches, and our future.

Phoebe:
(grabs Prue's arm) Prue, wait! (Prue looks at her) Don't. Don't become a murderer too. It has to end with me. (Prue lowers her hand)

Piper:
Phoebe, he was evil. He deserved what you-

Phoebe:
(starting to cry) Wrong thing done for the right reason...still the wrong thing. Our job is to protect the innocent...not punish the guilty, and...I crossed that line, and I know that. And now you guys have to know that too.

Prue:
We are not leaving here without you.

Phoebe:
Prue, we were sent here for a reason. Maybe not to stop this, like what we thought, but maybe to understand why this has to happen. Why you have to let this happen. (openly crying now) I don't wanna die, but I don't want you to die because of me. (they hug, and Phoebe begins sobbing) I love you. (she goes back to the pyre, and nods for Piper to unfreeze Pratt, which Piper does. She screams in pain as she burns).

Piper:
What?

Prue:
We were talking?

Piper:
I know. About a man in a painting. Listen to this one. "Hallway near club entrance too narrow"?

Prue:
I thought that we had discussed your code violations.

Piper:
Well, I keep finding more. The plumbing, the electrical, the heating, it...none of it is up code.

Prue:
Stop. You're obsessing.

Piper:
Well, it runs in the family.

Prue:
I don't obsess. I think... intensely... anyway, I can't really help it. I mean, we've seen so many bizarre things, why not a man in a painting.

Dan:
Ok, then, um, I'll tell you what I can do. I'll check out the code violations. See how serious they really are. If you'll help me with the promise I made Jenny.

Piper:
Deal. Wait... Uh, what's the promise?

Dan:
She needs help with a paper. It's for a bio class, something with the human reproductive system.

Piper:
You mean sex?

Dan:
It's just way too awkward for me to talk with my niece about.

Piper:
Yeah, huh...Sure, not to worry! I have plenty of experience.

Dan:
Really! With sex.

Piper:
No! I mean.. talking about it. Yeah!

Phoebe:
Spirits send the words, from all across the land; Allow me to absorb them, through the touch of either hand. For twenty-four hours, from seven to seven, I will understand all meaning of the words from here to heaven. And, uh, p.s. there will be no personal gain.

Spirits send the words, from all across the land;

Allow me to absorb them, through the touch of either hand.

For twenty-four hours, from seven to seven,

I will understand all meaning of the words from here to heaven.

And, uh, p.s. there will be no personal gain.

Malcolm:
I always hoped someone would get my SOS, but I never thought it would be a woman.

Prue:
What, a woman can't rescue a man?

Malcolm:
I'm still waiting.

Prue:
Yeah well keep waiting pal.

Piper:
Wait. What does this mean? "Absolvo Amitto Amplus Brevis Semper Mea". Phoebe! Help!

Phoebe:
Piper, no!

Piper:
Phoebeee!

Phoebe:
Piper?

Piper:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Prue:
Piper?

Piper:
What the hell is happening? Where are we?

Prue:
All right, hurry. Just get to the bookcase fast.

Piper:
Whahhh!

Prue:
Watch out.

Piper:
Uhh!!! Whoa!!! Whoa!!! Wow!!!

Malcolm:
Don't tell me she's the sister witch who was gonna save us.

Chris Barker:
Speaking of getting off the ground, that plane trip to Paris is still on open for discussion isn't it? Hasn't that rain cheque burned a hole in your pocket by now?

Prue:
Look I really appreciate your offer

Chris Barker:
It's not an offer Prue, it's a dinner request.

Prue:
In Paris!

Chris Barker:
You know what they call french bread in France?

Prue:
Bread

Chris Barker:
Exactly!

Piper:
Phoebe, we can't even give our cat a vitamin, how are we going to get this down a demons throat?

Phoebe:
In this.

Piper:
What is that?

Phoebe:
It's a balloon.

Piper:
Okay, where is it?

Phoebe:
Where's what?

Piper:
The spoonfull of sugar big enough to hide that thing.

Phoebe:
You're looking at her.

Piper:
Lives are at stake Prue, innocent men are going to die. We're your sisters Prue, we're not going to laugh.

Prue:
(comes out of the bathroom, dresses a guy) How can I save anyone? Okay, I look ridiculous, I am wearing clothes from the ex boyfriends pile, I have hair in strange places and I have a PENIS! (as Phoebe starts giggling) This is so not funny!

Phoebe:
Hahahaha.

Dating service worker:
What do you look for in a woman?

Dan:
What do I look for? I don't know, I'm old fashioned I guess, I look for the girl next door. Someone with a good heart, and personality and looks to match. The kind of girl that, when I leave for work in the morning, I wait just a little bit 'till she leaves for work too, just to catch a glimpse of that long dark hair and great smile. Hoping that maybe, one day, she'll notice that I'm watching and she'll smile back at me.

Phoebe:
It didn't start happening until she sucker punched Owen.

Prue:
Well you had a problem, I fixed it.

Phoebe:
Oh, you bet your butt you did. You nearly broke his jaw.

Prue:
I saved his life. Look, you're the one who told me I had to practice being a man, right, so I acted on instinct. And to tell you the truth, the moment I hit him, I felt powerful and strong like somehow that made me a man.

Piper:
You want to know how to be a real man, look at Dan. Honest, kind, good heart. The type of guy who would risk being late for work just to make you smile, not some bully who walks around thinking one punch is going to change anything.

Prue:
She learned all that just from looking out a window.

Phoebe:
Oh yeah, nice body, great tan.

Prue:
Awesome truck.

Phoebe:
You know I think you really are becoming a man.

Prue:
She knocked me out guys, I mean really, it was like I was in a trance, I was weak in the knees. And for a moment I felt her need not to be rejected, as though it would devastate her.

Phoebe:
Great, we're dealing with a sensitive man-killing demon.

Leo:
200 years ago a good witch turned evil, started using her craft against innocents. Fortunately she was tricked into a cave and entombed, but unfortunately, this morning, Tuatha escaped.

Phoebe:
Tuatha, who wouldn't go bad with a name like that!

Dr. Stone:
Did you find Eric?

Another warlock:
No.

Dr. Stone:
Not good. He's being protected by a time-freezing witch.

Another warlock:
And Bruce Lee's little sister.

Piper:
Jack's not a warlock.

Prue:
He's a jerk.

Dan:
Someday, somehow, I'm going to make it through that damn door.

Prue:
They really shouldn't have given us the finger.

Piper:
You read my mind.

Phoebe:
Be very very quiet, we're hunting demons!

Prue:
I know somebody who can see anything.

Phoebe:
Oh, no. Wait a minute. You tiptoe around the subject of Mom, you deny looking like her, you can't even go to the end of that dock because you're afraid to walk in her footsteps and now you want me to relive her last moments? How is that fair?

Prue:
It's not. None of this is. Mom's death, Sam's guilt. But I'm asking you to help me end it.

Phoebe:
Remember, I taught you how to french kiss.

Piper:
You broke your ankle when you were seven. Come on Prue, we went to Duran Duran together, you stretched out my leg warmers.

Phoebe:
And then you gave them to me.

Phoebe:
Fifth wheel cutting in.

Piper:
Oh would you stop that.

Phoebe:
Well it is a double date.

Prue:
It would have been a triple date if Kevin hadn't cancelled.

Phoebe:
I know, it seems to be an epidemic lately, guys cancelling on me.

Piper:
You know what happens when they cancel?

Prue:
Ooh, back to square one!

Piper:
Do not pass go

Phoebe:
And all accrued nookies credits are thrown out!

Jack:
There's a penalty?

Prue, Piper & Phoebe:
Oh Yeah!

Prue:
So we're actually supposed to believe that you're Cupid?

Cupid:
You believe in warlocks and demons but you can't believe in me?

Piper:
Where's the chubby baby?

Phoebe:
Guys.

Prue:
And the bow and arrow?

Cupid:
Where's the warty chins, hooked noses and pointy hats?

Piper:
You're still gonna have to back up the Cupid claim.

Cupid:
Okay, fine. (he points to Piper) Dan, (points to Prue) Jack, (points to Phoebe) Clay (points to Prue) Andy. My sincerest condolences. Eric in London, Alec in college, (points to Piper) Not Jeremy the warlock, Joe in college, Barry in high school, Tim in eighth grade, (points to Phoebe) Ken, Kyle, Steve, Mike, Ken again, Brian, Joel, (Prue and Piper look at Phoebe surprised) Martin, Peter, Paul, Tony.

Drazi:
(scoffs at Cupid) Hiding behind witches' skirts?

Piper:
Stealing things that don't belong to you?

Prue:
We have a baby?

Piper:
Phoebe picked it up at the police station.

Prue:
Okay, I thought you were going to request a job, not a kid.

Phoebe:
Piper, you'll be fine, don't be afraid.

Prue:
Yeah, Just think of it as a test run.

Piper:
I don't need a test run. I remember when Phoebe was a baby, and it was hard on Mom, and endless, and with you dropping her all the time!

Phoebe:
What?!

Prue:
Oh, moving on!

Prue:
I thought that babies slept. A lot.

Phoebe:
Yeah, obviously one of those lies they tell you so you'll want to get pregnant.

Piper:
Wait, you enrolled? Phoebe, this is huge.

Phoebe:
Hugest thing I've done since I came back home. I mean, aside from vanquishing demons, and saving the world from evil, of course!

Piper:
Why do we seem to have a habit of gathering our men at the scene of a supernatural smackdown?

Phoebe:
I want you all to know that I'm a vegetarian, so I've never eaten any of you!

Prue:
Great party. We should do this more often.

Piper:
Yeah. Maybe next time we can trim the guest list by one.

Prue:
Piper. I had to invite Leo. He was at the club when I went to go pick up the supplies. He knew that we were throwing a party.

Piper:
Well, didn't you think maybe he'd feel a little awkward being here because of Dan?

Prue:
It doesn't look like he feels too awkward to me. Look, Piper, he's been mortal for what? A couple of weeks now? I mean, I felt bad for him. He doesn't know anybody and it's not like there's a fallen Whitelighters support group to join or anything.

Piper:
Prue, I'm not upset with you. I'm just… I'm…I'm upset with the whole situation.

Prue:
Well, Leo's just going to have to accept the fact that you're with... Dan now. You are still with Dan, right?

Piper:
Yes. Of course. What do you think they're talking about?

Prue:
You.

Piper:
Great.

Phoebe:
Hey, you guys! Give me a break, it's after midnight, I have mentors tomorrow.

Piper:
Sorry Pheebs. Didn't realize we were being so loud.

Prue:
Why don't you take a study break? Clear your head, come on down.

Phoebe:
I can't, I have too many phobias. To learn about for my psych exam. I had no idea there are so many. Claustrophobia, arachnophobia, kleptophobia, phallusphobia.

Prue:
Relaxaphobia.

Phoebe:
Cute.

Prue:
Just trying to help.

Phoebe:
You can help by keeping it down. Did I mention it's after midnight?

Piper:
Twice.

Prue:
Party's breaking up anyway.

Phoebe:
Thank you.

Piper:
What the hell are they talking about?

Leo:
My favorite ball player? Joe DiMaggio. Hands down.

Dan:
DiMaggio? No, I meant when you were growing up.

Leo:
DiMaggio was... my grandfather's favorite. That's why he's mine too.

Dan:
You know Leo, this is just an observation, but uh, you don't like to talk about your past that much. Do you?

Leo:
It's just not all that interesting, really.

Dan:
Not that interesting? I mean, being in the army sounds pretty interesting. How, I mean, how long have you been out?

Leo:
Piper.

Piper:
Hi guys. Having fun? Not talking about me too much, I hope.

Dan:
No. No. Not at all.

Piper:
No?

Dan:
Actually Leo was about to fill me in on his army experience.

Piper:
The army? Huh. Whoops. Look at the time. Gotta call it a night. Party's over.

Piper:
Good night everybody.

Phoebe:
Finally.

Prue:
You guys be safe.

A Man:
Thank you.

Phoebe:
Okay, I asked you guys once to keep it down...

Piper:
Phoebe?

Prue:
Phoebe? Hey, are you alright?

Phoebe:
Uh... Yeah. I think so.

Piper:
What happened?

Phoebe:
I don't know. But I'd sure like to find out.

Phoebe:
Thanks.

Leo:
You sure you're alright?

Phoebe:
I'm fine, really.

Dan:
You're lucky. Falling down like that you really could've hurt yourself.

Prue:
Maybe we should call it a night, huh? Let her get some rest.

Piper:
Uh, okay. I'll walk you out.

Dan:
Okay. Hey, Leo. Comin'?

Phoebe:
Er, no... He has to stay here and...

Prue:
...Um, take glasses back to P3.

Dan:
Now? At this hour?

Piper:
I'm a tough boss. Ready?

Leo:
Nice chatting with you.

Dan:
Yeah, you too.

Leo:
I thought he'd never leave.

Piper:
The hell were you two chatting about all night?

Prue:
Piper, do you mind? Phoebe, so what really happened?

Phoebe:
Uh... Okay, I heard what I thought were party noises. So I came downstairs to check and to yell at you guys. And... I was attacked. By something invisible.

Prue:
So, what, like a ghost?

Phoebe:
I didn't sense another being. It was more, um... I don't know. Like-like a daydream, I guess.

Piper:
A daydream? Since when do daydreams attack people?

Phoebe:
It wasn't really an attack, it was more of... a seduction.

Leo:
Interesting daydream.

Phoebe:
Yeah.

Prue:
So, I guess the question is what was it?

Phoebe:
Have you ever run across anything like this? I mean, as a Whitelighter?

Leo:
Not really.

Piper:
Which means we have no idea if it's going to strike again or not.

Phoebe:
Ok. Family tree. I know I saw one somewhere.

Piper:
Uh, I still don't understand.

Phoebe:
We were all related. Cousins. And we lived here at the manor back in the twenties.

Piper:
Together? Here? So much for evolution.

Prue:
Wait. So you saw us in our past lives? I mean, did we look the same?

Phoebe:
Uh, yeah. You did, actually. Kind of.

Phoebe:
In this time and in this place, Take this spirit I displace, Bring it forth while I go back, To inhabit a soul so black.

In this time and in this place,

Take this spirit I displace,

Bring it forth while I go back,

To inhabit a soul so black.

Prue:
What are you guys doing here?

Phoebe:
We are rescuing you! From the tall, dark and NAKED man!!!!

Prue:
I told you to stay away.

Phoebe:
Yeah, now I know why. He is yummy. (clears her throat.)

Piper:
I don't believe this! We've been frantic, worried sick about you thinking you've been kidnapped...

Prue:
Yeah, I was...

Piper:
(points to the side of the bed) Panties.

Prue:
Oh, oh! (She rushes to the bedside and picks them up.) Huh, thanks. Look, uh, you guys have really got this all uh-(looks at her underwear in her hand) wrong.

Piper:
Yeah, we know. It's a trap.

Phoebe:
A tall, dark, and naked trap.

Piper:
Leo's mortal now and everything, but for how long? I mean, how do I know he won't want his wings back someday? And then there's Dan. Who is still great. And normal. Which is good, considering I'm not.

Phoebe:
28 minutes, 33 seconds.

Piper:
Really? We ran that long?

Phoebe:
No, I've been timing how long you've been comparing Leo and Dan.

Phoebe:
I beseech all powers above, Send a sign to free my sisters heart, One that will lead her to her love.

I beseech all powers above,

Send a sign to free my sisters heart,

One that will lead her to her love.

Piper:
First, I'd like to tell you how relieved I am you're okay.

Phoebe:
Me too.

Piper:
And secondly, I'd like to tell you that you have completely lost your mind.

Phoebe:
Completely lost your mind!

Phoebe:
Stop trying to predict the future, that's my job.

Piper:
What would I do without you?

Phoebe:
Oh suffer endlessly, no doubt.

Prue:
From this moment on, Your pain is erased, Your bad luck as well, Enjoy your good luck Maggie, You're free from this hell.

From this moment on,

Your pain is erased,

Your bad luck as well,

Enjoy your good luck Maggie,

You're free from this hell.

Leo:
Piper, are you mad at me?

Piper:
No, don't be ridiculous. Why would I be mad at you?

Leo:
I don't know, that's why I'm asking. What is it?

Piper:
It's just, um, Dan.

Leo:
Oh. Never mind, sorry I asked.

Piper:
Um, he's-he's going to be... He's going to be very upset when he finds out... you're the one that I really love.

Leo:
Yeah?

Piper:
Yeah.

Piper:
That can't be right. How many swizzle sticks?

Leo:
(staring at her legs) Who's counting?

Piper:
Alright, I'm only doing this for you guys. And if I get killed, I'm gonna haunt the both of you forever.

Phoebe:
What Witches done and the undone, Return this spirit back within, And separate him from his skin.

What Witches done and the undone,

Return this spirit back within,

And separate him from his skin.

Prue, Piper, and Phoebe:
Powers of the the witches rise, Course unseen across the skies, Come to us who call you near, Come to us and settle here.

Powers of the the witches rise,

Course unseen across the skies,

Come to us who call you near,

Come to us and settle here.

Finley Beck:
So when is this photographer blessing us with his presence?

Prue:
That would be me.

Finley Beck:
You're 12.

Prue:
Oh, I'm good!

Prue:
Well, the house is a mess again. I mean, how come we can't fight the demon of cleanliness, or the demon of housekeeping, or even that bald Mr. Clean guy. I would so totally take him on.

Phoebe:
We have got to do something about that COMPLEXION!

Phoebe:
Hello, privacy!

Prue:
Hello, ax-murderer!

Piper:
I'm being stalked by psycho killers and I hide in the shower?!?!?

Billy:
It's okay. The man is here to save the day.

Prue:
Billy, it's the 21st century. It's the woman's job to save the day.

Prue:
(after taking a picture of Piper) So, I think I'll call this, "Woman Pretending Not to Look Out the Window".

Piper:
(walking towards Prue with mug) How about "Girl About to Pour Hot Tea on Sister's Head"?

Piper:
(after drinking the potion and making a face) Mm! Tastes like ass!

(Billy gives her a look through the screen.)

Piper:
... sphalt.

Phoebe:
Hey, hi, I'm Phoebe.

Charlene:
I'm Charlene. Actually we've met. We even carpooled. Metaphysics 301, remember?

Phoebe:
Oh, that's right and your dad is the professor of that class, right?

Charlene:
Yeah, dirty rat, he gave me a C. We don't get along in anything. Even metaphysics. But I'm hoping that'll change when I finish my thesis, get published, he'll finally have to take me seriously. I'll quit before I start telling you about my mother.

Phoebe:
No, it's okay. I've been studying here for so long it's nice to have someone to talk to. So what's your thesis about?

Charlene:
It's about the existence of demons in our world.

Phoebe:
Demons?

Piper:
Prue, wh-what are you doing in here?

Leo:
Piper, can you hand me a towel? Prue!

Prue:
Hey Leo, nice orbs.

Piper:
Bye... Bye!

Prue:
Ow!

Piper:
Let me help you, let me help you. Alright, go on, sicko.

Piper:
Still Phoebe, you have to take care of yourself. You have to get some rest.

Phoebe:
After. Piper, I did not go back to college to fail at it, okay. So what do I have to do? Okay, I'm gonna go change and then I'm gonna go to the library. Now, if any demon or warlock attacks, please just fend them off till Saturday. (to Leo) I have a question for you. Is it possible for someone to find proof that demons really do exist?

Leo:
Mmm, I don't know, maybe. But even if anybody did, nobody would ever know about it anyway.

Phoebe:
What do you mean?

Leo:
Well, evil doesn't want anybody to know. It has a system for covering its tracks, protecting its identity. That's why demons disappear when you guys vanquish them.

Piper:
Why do you ask?

Phoebe:
Just curious. Okay, adios.

Piper:
Were you close to you dad?

Leo:
Uhh, well, that was long time ago. A different life time. I prefer to focus on the present.

Piper:
So do I, which means I have to go, I have a dentist appointment. How long can you stay?

Leo:
Uh, until they call.

Piper:
Well, if they don't call before lunch, why don't you meet me at the club. I'll buy.

Leo:
Well, you'll have to. Whitelighter pay sucks.

Piper:
Alright, back to your position. Go on.

Leo:
Are you kidding me? He's about to clock me.

Piper:
I'm sorry, I can't help you with that. Let's go, let's go.

Dan:
Ow! Piper, where'd you come from?

Piper:
I'll be the one asking the questions. What the hell is going on?

Prue:
Anybody here?

Phoebe:
In here.

Prue:
Hey. Oh, good, I was looking for that. Wait, what are you doing with the book?

Phoebe:
Oh, I'm looking for the demon that's gonna kill me. I just love getting those premonitions.

Prue:
Oh, okay, what premonition? When?

Phoebe:
About an hour ago. Right after I was trying to tell Charlene that she's dead.

Prue:
I'm lost.

Phoebe:
Oh sorry! Wrong sister.

Piper:
I'm home!

Prue:
Come on.

Piper:
Where are we going?

Phoebe:
We'll explain on the way there.

Piper:
Who's that?

Phoebe:
Let's go, let's go. That's my dead friend.

Leo:
Ever done it on a cloud?

Phoebe:
Does a featherbed count?

Piper:
(about Leo) You really think he's here that much?

Phoebe:
He's like the big brother I never wanted... uh... I mean, had.

Phoebe:
Are you telling me evil called good and good answered?

Piper:
Dan is back in town.

Leo:
So?

Piper:
So, what am I going to tell him? The last time I saw him he handed me proof that you were killed in 1942. He's going to expect a reaction from me.

Phoebe:
How about, 'Hey Dan, you're right, I am a necrophiliac. '.

Piper:
Where you off to?

Prue:
Lunch date with Dick.

Phoebe:
Dull Dick? Prue, you are too hot to have to duty date.

Prue:
Yeh, well. all demon hunting and no play has made me a lot less picky. I gotta figure out a way to put more balance in my life.

Piper:
Yeh, but you don't need Dick!

Phoebe:
You know, we keep saying that, but what does it really mean?

Genie:
You're probably a little upset right?

Piper:
No, I've moved past upset and right to pissed off.