Charmed, Season 6

Phoebe:
All right, all right. What do you want advice on?

Chad:
See, there's this woman that I like, and I'd like to ask her out. But I'm afraid she'll say no. What should I do?

Phoebe:
Well, why don't you just ask me and find out?

Paige:
I'm a dog-walker. The temp agency messed up.

Phoebe:
From other worlds far and near, Let's get him the Trok out of here.

From other worlds far and near,

Let's get him the Trok out of here.

Paige:
What kind of whitelighter can't heal?

Chris:
For the record, you can't heal either.

Paige:
I'm half whitelighter. How come you didn't tell us about this before we hired you?

Chris:
Because you didn't hire me. I was assigned by the elders.

Phoebe:
Any other little surprises you'd like to share with us?

Chris:
No. Look, I haven't been a whitelighter very long, okay? And healing, it's big. And takes a while to learn how to do.

Phoebe:
Great, student-lighter.

Paige:
Powers and emotions tied, A witch's heart is where it hides, Help her through her agony, Bless her with her memory.

Powers and emotions tied,

A witch's heart is where it hides,

Help her through her agony,

Bless her with her memory.

Phoebe:
Oh, Piper, hi! You're never gonna believe this. I think I have a new power. It would certainly explain a lot of my weird behaviour lately, like why I wanted to date Chad and why my advice has been so amazingly accurate. I know, this is huge, right? Huge. So what's my new power you ask? Oh, I'll tell you. Do you remember that empath we helped a couple of years ago? That guy that could feel what other people were feeling?

Chris:
Uh, Phoebe.

Phoebe:
Just a sec. I think that's what I am now. An empath. I am an empath. That's my new power. Or at least an advancement of my premonition power, I don't know.

Chris:
Neither does she, I'm afraid. Know, that is, anything. Paige erased her memory.

Piper:
Can you blow things up too?

Paige:
Well that little magical whammy you performed on her kind of, um, backfired.

Phoebe:
You see, after you left, Piper was really...

Paige:
Chipper. Yeah, incessantly, increasingly, annoyingly chipper.

Phoebe:
What she said.

Leo:
Well, it was supposed to make her feel less pain. I guess with me not around to pull it back a little bit, she got happier and happier?

Paige:
Um, no, psychotically chipper.

Leo:
Paige...

Phoebe:
Let her go. It might seem silly to you, but it's important to her, I know.

Chris:
See? It helps to be an empath.

Phoebe:
No, it helps to be a sister.

Biker:
Hell's bells. What have we got here? What, is there a Xena convention in town or something?

Kara:
On your knees.

Biker:
Excuse me? I got a better idea. How bout you get on your knees instead.

Kara:
Who are you to speak to us that way?

Freyja:
Kara.

Kara:
You don't command us, we command you.

Piper:
This isn't Valhalla. You don't have dominion over men here.

Freyja:
Then how do you train them? How do they take orders?

Piper:
They don't.

(Lots of dogs are barking.)

Paige:
What is going on here?

Oscar:
Badass fight, that's what.

Paige:
Who said that?

Oscar:
Oh, wait, you mean you can hear me? Well, hallelujah. It's about time.

Paige:
Please don't tell me you're talking to me.

Oscar:
Are you kidding? I've been trying to get your attention for two days now. I'm in serious trouble here.

Paige:
Okay. It's okay, Paige. You've dealt with weirder stuff than this. Maybe-maybe my powers are just advancing. Maybe I can understand animals now.

Oscar:
Oh, please, give me a break. Until you accepted that there might be a reason you got this job, you weren't going to be open to helping me.

...

Paige:
I call upon the Halliwells. I call our powers to undo this spell. Make right again, that we must. Reverse the curse that made this mutt.

I call upon the Halliwells.

I call our powers to undo this spell.

Make right again, that we must.

Reverse the curse that made this mutt.

Phoebe:
Okay, but you don't have to yell at me. 'Cause I can sense how mad you are.

Paige:
Okay, just 'cause you can sense doesn't mean I can't vent.

Phoebe:
Reverse the spell. Reverse the spell.

Paige:
All right, uh. Spell was cast, Now make it pass. Remove it now, Don't ask me how.

Spell was cast,

Now make it pass.

Remove it now,

Don't ask me how.

Phoebe:
I mean, just because I could feel some glimmer of Piper's feelings doesn't mean she can. She's completely cut off from them.

Chris:
Wait, wait, wait, hold it. Isn't there a spell that allows somebody to feel what you feel? Which in this case would be Piper feeling what you're feeling Piper should be feeling... Did that make any sense?

Paige:
Um, frightening, it did.

Paige:
Well, then the question is how do we get close enough to her without her kicking our butts?

Phoebe:
I could use my new power to counteract hers.

Chris:
How do you figure?

Phoebe:
Well, our powers are emotion-based, right? If I can channel Piper's feelings, why can't I channel her powers? And then use them against her.

Paige:
Open Piper's heart to reveal, That part which only Phoebe feels. Send it back from whence it came, But don't protect her from the pain.

Open Piper's heart to reveal,

That part which only Phoebe feels.

Send it back from whence it came,

But don't protect her from the pain.

Leo:
Chris, what are you doing sitting around here? Aren't you supposed to be getting to know your new charge?

Natalie:
Oh, hi, Leo.

Chris:
Okay, look, before you get mad, you're the one who wanted me to have a charge in the first place. Remember?

Leo:
To protect her.

Natalie:
Oh, he was using protection.

Chris:
Yeah, I don't think that's what he meant.

Paige:
Moments lost make witches wonder. Warlocks plot or demons plunder. If this is not a prank. Help us to fill in the blanks.

Moments lost make witches wonder.

Warlocks plot or demons plunder.

If this is not a prank.

Help us to fill in the blanks.

Piper:
(to Wyatt) Okay, bud, here we go. Here we go, okay. Hey, lookie, how about this? (picks up a teddy) You like this guy? Hello. No? Pheebs, a little help here.

Phoebe:
We hate that toy. It's yucky and crusty and gross.

Piper:
Okay, then what does he want?

Phoebe:
That. (points at the TV)

Piper:
Yeah, see, I am a failure.

Paige:
No, you're not. We just happen to have more pressing concerns right now than the media's influence.

(Phoebe and Paige orb onto KLMV News)

Kaneisha (Presenter):
I don't know what's happening here, I...

Paige:
Well, it's called magic, Kaneisha. Witchcraft, specifically. I really love your... jacket! (orbs the jacket to her)

Phoebe:
Wanna see more magic? Let's check in with Piper at the Golden Gate Bridge. Take it away, Piper!

(Cut to a VT of Piper)

Piper:
Let the object of objection become but a dream As I cause the scene to become unseen.

Let the object of objection become but a dream

As I cause the scene to become unseen.

(Golden Gate Bridge disappears) You might want to take an alternate route to work in the morning.

Phoebe:
She's at her new temp job.

Chris:
She's still on that kick?

Piper:
It's not a kick, Chris. It's her quest for happiness outside of magic.

Chris:
Yeah, but it's a temp job. Who finds happiness on a temp job?

Nanny:
Let me take the boy for a walk.

Piper:
All right. Just don't forget a hat for those ears.

Nanny:
I always keep the baby warm.

Piper:
I meant yours.

Mitzy:
We made the book of shadows? What, no picture?

Margo:
Just a paragraph. A really, really tiny paragraph.

Mabel:
"The Stillman Sisters: Mabel, Mitzy, Margo. Common witches known for their small-time hustles and cons. Not worth vanquishing. If they become a nuisance, try a simple spell to bind their magic."

Margo:
Oh. Well, at least we got an entry.

Mitzy:
Yeah, but look at what they think of us. Common witches, not worth vanquishing?

Mabel:
Is that right? Well, check what these common witches just did. We're standing in the home of the Charmed Ones. We got their powers. We got their Book, and we got... blonde, multi-tonal hair. Who's the nuisance now?

Margo:
We are.

Mitzy:
Oh yeah!

Piper:
Without picture ID's, we got no credit cards, we got nothing. It's like we don't exist.

Paige:
Everyone in the world thinks we're these trashy blondes. I do have to hand it to them, though. They've taken identity theft to a whole new level.

Mitzy:
Surprised to see us? I got my first premonition tonight.

Phoebe:
I know you did, you genius. I planted it to lead you here.

Mitzy:
¡Oh!

Margo:
Well, from where I'm standing, that's seems like a stupid thing to do. And I know a LOT about stupid things!

Piper:
(Ironically) Yeah, see, she got us there!

Paige:
Ah, don't worry, this blonde couldn't hit the broad side of a beauty parlour. I mean, check out that dye job!

(The Stilman sisters gasp)

Mabel:
How dare you!

Piper:
How did you know they weren't us?

Chris:
In all my life I have never seen you take the bait the way that witch took it from you.

Phoebe:
In all your life? But you've only been our Whitelighter for two months.

Chris:
Let's just reverse the magic.

Phoebe:
Trust me. The sooner you get back on the dating horse, the easier it will be.

Piper:
No, I know. You're right, you're absolutely right. It's just, the truth is, I'm a little scared. I mean, I was married to an angel, for crying out loud. Who is gonna compare to that?

Phoebe:
I know, but, Piper, you also dated a demon, a warlock and a ghost, you know. That's what you should be scared of.

Piper:
Super pep talk, sis.

Phoebe:
(while Leo and Chris are fighting) Oh, there's a lot of love in this room!

Phoebe:

Lead me back,

From whence this came,

Help me help my sister's pain.

Paige:
Oh, she's not only butting in, she's taking sides.

Phoebe:
Look, Paige, it's not only what I saw but it's what I felt. Don't you think if they just tried to kill someone I would have felt some intense anger coming from them? But I didn't.

Paige:
I don't know. Are you sensing any intense anger coming at you right now?

Leo:
How was your date?

Piper:
Short.

Leo:
Short? You mean like "leprechaun" short?

Piper:
No, Leo, he wasn't short, the date was cut short by this.

Phoebe:
Okay, they're all here and these people are in major need of peace talk.

Paige:

Unknown spirit, we call to thee,

Those who wish to set you free,

Cross on over so we may help,

Come to us, reveal yourself.

Piper:
Okay, let's look at the bright side. We settled a family feud, we set free a tortured soul, maybe your new power and Paige's new solo path away from the sisterhood, is some kind of synergy, that is all working together in some kind of divine way.

Phoebe and Paige:
Nah.

Paige:
Well call me butter, 'cause I'm on a roll.

Phoebe:
You've got me, Jason Dean. I'm yours. So no more wooing.

Jason:
Okay, no more wooing. I guess I'll cancel our helicopter to Carmel for dinner.

Phoebe:
No, no, no, maybe a little bit more wooing.

Phoebe:
Yeah. If I had to guess, I would say it's a world of desire, but it's not my desire, it's your desire. I can feel how much you want all of this for me.

Jason:
Yes, Phoebe, I want everything for you including sanity. If I die, promise me you'll see a doctor.

Phoebe:
I have half a mind to call Jason and complain about it, but I don't wanna use our relationship for leverage.

Piper:
What's the use of sleeping with your boss, then?

Phoebe:
Becuase I actually enjoy sleeping with my boss.

Piper:
Yeah, don't brag.

Zahn:
Consider yourself repossessed.

Chris:
You're okay?

Leo:
Thanks for not listening to me.

Chris:
Any time.

Piper:
What the hell is going on?

Paige:
Bitch later, vanquish now. (Piper and Phoebe vanquish the demon Zahn)

Phoebe:
I love watching lawyers explode!

Piper:
Can I bitch now?

(Wyatt glows his eyes at Richard, trying to scare him)

Richard:
Does he do that a lot?

Piper:
Wyatt?

Phoebe:
What is he doing? Why is he doing that?

Piper:
Apparently he's trying to scare away all of my dates. You little rat. Did your father teach you that?

Phoebe:
So not the time!

Piper:
You're right. You're grounded! (Piper passes Wyatt to Phoebe)

(Leo and Chris time-travel and get stuck in prehistory)

Chris:
I don't understand, why can't we orb?

Leo:
Prehistoric. Magic won't be around until there's people around to use it.

Chris:
Perfect. We'll just hang out for the next million years or so, no problem.

Leo:
More like sixty-five million. It's the cretaceous period.

Chris:
Man, you are old.

Paige:
Okay, anyway, Book, Excalibur...?

Phoebe:
Yeah, nothing. Nada.

Paige:
Really?

Piper:
Told you.

Paige:
You know, hey, maybe it's been out of circulation since ye olden days, and maybe no Halliwell has ever come across it before.

Phoebe:
Well, we have run across these guys, executioner demons, lower-level badasses for hire.

Piper:
Who hired them?

Phoebe:
This higher-level badass. (shows them the 'Dark Knight' page in the book)

Mordaunt:
The sword has chosen. You are the new saviour. The champion of good, the master of Excalibur. Welcome to your new destiny.

Piper:
Oh, crap.

Mordaunt:
It's drawn to you, just like you're drawn to it.

Piper:
Do I look like I'm drawn to it, pal?

Mordaunt:
You will be in time.

Piper:
No, I don't have time to play Queen Arthur.

Phoebe:
Yeah, but I don't need divine help. I need filing and faxing and desk management help.

Paige:
I'm your girl. I really am. We'll just, you know, see if the divine stuff kind of appears later. Usually does.

Phoebe:
Yeah, but I can't tell you what to do. I mean, how weird is that?

Paige:
Well, it's no weirder than usual.

Phoebe:
Oh, I see.

Paige:
Just kidding, sort of.

Phoebe:
I sort of told him that I loved him last night.

Piper:
Oh, and this is bad?

Phoebe:
No, except I said, "I love you too." As if he said "I love you" first, which he didn't.

Piper:
So wait, you told him that he loves you before he told you that he loves you? Yeah, that's not good.

Paige:
Blessed with powers from my destiny, I bless this hero with invincibility.

Blessed with powers from my destiny,

I bless this hero with invincibility.

Phoebe:
I still can't believe we vanquished its mummy.

Paige:
Yeah, but we didn't know it was a mummy and besides, mummy tried to kill us.

Chris:
What? I'm being ridiculous? There is a demon in the playpen.

Piper:
Paige, where have you been? You're late.

Paige:
I know, I'm sorry. I got tied up.

Phoebe:
Where? At Richard's?

Paige:
No, I was at work. Get your mind out of the gutter, missy.

Phoebe:
Hey, you're the one that orbs home to find lingerie.

Paige:
Two times! I did that twice.

Piper:
Yeah, it's about the only time we ever see you anymore.

Paige:
Why did I come here? To get picked on?

Phoebe:
Because we love you.

Piper:
We kinda miss you.

Paige:
I am not at Richard's that much. Fine! Maybe I am. But, you know, I am just an orb away if you need help.

Piper:
Yeah, the thing is, we just gotta be careful. Because if we stray too far away from each other, demons take advantage. We've learned that lesson the hard way a few times.

Paige:
I know, I know, I get it. I just really don't wanna think of us living together in fifty years.

Piper:
Naaah, twenty, thirty years, tops.

Phoebe:
We can always move to Hong Kong so I can see Jason whenever I want.

Piper:
How do you say "dream on" in Chinese?

(Phoebe says something in Chinese)

Piper:
Impressive.

Phoebe:
Berlitz. Okay, what about you, missy? Spill it!

Piper:
Spill what?

Phoebe:
Come on, you and Greg? Put out any fires lately?

Piper:
Is that supposed to be a subtle fireman reference?

Phoebe:
Yeah, you like it?

Paige:
Wait a minute. You're going out with a fire-fighter?

Piper:
Proof positive. You haven't been around much.

Phoebe:
Let's see, they've been seeing each other for about three weeks, and someone, I won't say who, although it's not the fireman, is avoiding taking it to the next step.

Piper:
I'm not avoiding. I'm just a little reluctant, that's all.

Paige:
My dear, it is time to get back in the saddle.

Piper:
Now a cowboy reference.

Phoebe:
Piper, you just need to relax and let it happen.

Piper:
Yeah, easy for you to say. You weren't sleeping with an angel for three years.

Phoebe:
Yeah, but you were nervous when you and Leo first started, you know? I seem to remember that you used to freeze him during all the good parts. Hey, maybe you should...

Piper:
No. I'm not freezing Greg. I'm so nervous, I'd probably blow him up.

Phoebe:
Well?

Piper:
Gutter, gutter, gutter.

(Phoebe laughs)

Chris:
What are you guys talking about?

Phoebe:
Stuff.

Paige:
Hey, where you going?

Chris:
I gotta go work on the next demon... stration.

Phoebe:
Chris, why don't you relax and have a drink with us?

Chris:
Thanks, but I didn't come here to relax.

Phoebe:
(about Chris, after he leaves) That is one bitchy whitelighter.

Piper:
You're telling me.

Paige:
Hey Piper, why don't you go talk to the guilt machine over there?

Phoebe:
Hm.

Leo:
What would you say if I told you whoever attacked Chris was called a Phoenix?

Paige:
Well, I would say, "What's a Phoenix?" and then you'd probably tell me.

Chris:
I call upon the ancient power, To help us in this darkest hour. Let the book return to this place, Claim refuge in it's rightful space.

I call upon the ancient power,

To help us in this darkest hour.

Let the book return to this place,

Claim refuge in it's rightful space.

Chris:
Hear these words, hear the rhyme, Hear the hope within my mind. Send me back to where I'll find, What I wish, in place and time.

Hear these words, hear the rhyme,

Hear the hope within my mind.

Send me back to where I'll find,

What I wish, in place and time.

Bianca's mother:
Wait, do you have to leave so soon? Can't I help?

Bianca:
Yeah. Someday when I ask you what it feels like to kill, don't lie to me. Don't tell me you don't feel a thing.

Wyatt:
Welcome home, Chris.

Chris:
Hello Wyatt.

Wyatt:
They're no threat to me. Et Tu, Chris? Of all the people to betray me.

Chris:
I didn't go back to betray you, Wyatt. I went back to save you.

Wyatt:
Save me? From what?

Chris:
From whatever evil it was that turned you.

Wyatt:
That's always been your problem, Chris. Stuck in the old good versus evil morals. I'm so past that. It's all about power, it's as simple as that.

Chris:
And whoever has the most power wins, is that it?

Wyatt:
That's it. That's why I keep this museum intact. To remind everyone the power from which I was born and that which I possess.

Chris:
Too bad the rest of the city isn't fairing as well as your shrine here.

Wyatt:
You know, if anyone else tried what you tried, I'd kill them on the spot. But you... I've forgiven Bianca, I can forgive you too. If you promise never to cross me again.

Chris:
I think you know me better than that.

Wyatt:
I thought you said you could talk some sense into him.

Chris:
Leave her out of this!

Chris:
(To baby Wyatt) If I can't save you, I swear to God I'll stop you.

Bianca:
Haven't we been here before?

Chris:
Maybe we will be again

Bianca:
Maybe

Bianca:
You'll just have to hope the power of two will work, won't you Paige?

Grams:
You and Paige moved out? When?

Phoebe:
A few weeks ago. But we're handling everything.

Grams:
Dear, you have Paige stuck in the past and a demonic blob roaming the manor. Exactly how are you handling things?

Grams:
Men are like utensils; you use them, wash them, and throw them in a drawer until you need them.

Young Penny:
They have no right, They have no power, Turn their hate sticks into flowers.

They have no right,

They have no power,

Turn their hate sticks into flowers.

Robin:
And so I call upon the Crone--let evil roam inside this home.

(Allen walks in)

Allen:
I thought you were acting strange.

Robin:
Allen? Are you spying on me?

Allen:
How could you, Robin? What about our dream?

Robin:
(her voice turns sinister) My only dream (she raises a fireball) is helping my warlock friend put all of you weak creatures out of you misery tonight.

(Robin is about to throw when Paige walks in)

Paige:
Robin! (Robin throws the fireball, but Paige dives out of the way)

Allen:
Violence isn't the answer, Robin. Let love replace your fear. I know you felt our love.

Robin:
Yeah, and I still got the stink of it all over me. (she raises another fireball)

Paige Over here! (She knocks over a can of marbles. Robin is knocked off her feet. The fireball goes straight up in the air and lands on Robin, vanquishing her.)

Piper:
Come to me and be seduced, I have a girl to introduce. Fall for her, you can't resist her, Trust me, mister, she's my sister.

Come to me and be seduced,

I have a girl to introduce.

Fall for her, you can't resist her,

Trust me, mister, she's my sister.

Phoebe:
Yeah well, why Me?

Piper:
Cause he's not my type.

Young Penny:
May peace and love, From the moon above, Flow through your heart, On the wings of a dove.

May peace and love,

From the moon above,

Flow through your heart,

On the wings of a dove.

Young Penny:
What do I usually do at this point?

Phoebe:
You usually do something very final, if you catch my drift.

Young Penny:
Snuff this warlock, His days are done. But make him good for the ecosystem.

Snuff this warlock,

His days are done.

But make him good for the ecosystem.

Piper:
You know, if I hadn't taken over Paige's room, this never would've happened. This is all my fault.

Leo and Chris:
What's done is done.

Phoebe:
Okay, you two really need to get a room.

Piper:
Yeah.

Piper:
Where's Wyatt?

Chris:
He's in the living room.

Phoebe:
What about Grams?

Leo:
She... didn't make it. (The basement door opens. Grams walks out, coughing.)

Grams:
Nonsense. You can't damage an old war horse like me. I'm already dead.

(As a birthday present Phoebe and Paige are creating the perfect man for Piper.)

Paige:
Sensitive, but not a wuss-bag.

Phoebe:
And someone that is a good listener.

Paige:
Okay, good cook.

Phoebe:
Handy around the house.

Paige:
Good with kids.

Phoebe:
Gets the whole normal-life thing.

Paige:
Has a really big--

Phoebe:
Paige.

Paige:
Uh. Is this the perfect guy or what?

Phoebe:
All right, throw it in.

Phoebe & Paige:
A perfect man, we summon now. Another way, we don't know how. To make our sister see the light, Somewhere out there is Mr. Right.

A perfect man, we summon now.

Another way, we don't know how.

To make our sister see the light,

Somewhere out there is Mr. Right.

Phoebe:
Why not take advantage of him while you can? I mean, figuratively speaking, of course.

Paige:
Oh, hell, literally, it is your birthday.

Paige:
On Piper's day, set this table. With all the favours you are able.

On Piper's day, set this table.

With all the favours you are able.

Richard:
I call to thee, pure witch's fire. Through Vortex flow, The heavenly mire. Cleanse brackish karma of debris. From dark to light, sweep history.

I call to thee, pure witch's fire.

Through Vortex flow, The heavenly mire.

Cleanse brackish karma of debris.

From dark to light, sweep history.

Phoebe:
Je ne sais pas, pourquoi?.

Paige:
Since when do you speak freedom fry?

Paige:
Okay, she's French. Bad karma. Napoleon?

Piper:
Probably not.

Paige:
Okay, what about Marie Antoinette, Queen Isabella, the she-wolf of France?

Paige:
Okay, let's see. Speaks French, hates the country, more than willing to strip in public. Oh my God, I saw something in here. :(Reading from a book) Famous females spies: Mata Hari.

Piper:
Wasn't she one of the bond girls?

Phoebe:
Are you in charge here?

Swarm King:
I am.

Phoebe:
Good. Because I'd like to get into bed with you. Not literally. Although... there may be time for that later.

Piper, Phoebe, and Paige:
Demon swarm that serves as one, Vanquish him from which they come.

Demon swarm that serves as one,

Vanquish him from which they come.

Phoebe:
The whole biological clock thing, it's very real and it's echoing: tick, tick, tick, tick...

Piper:
Okay, neurotic people, can we get back to my neurosis right now, please?

Phoebe:
Sure, which one were we talking about?

Piper:
The one where I'm a rotten mother who's raising an antisocial child.

Phoebe:
Okay, you know what? I think we should help the magic school, because we can't just keep that head on our foyer table, you know? What is it, a centre-piece?.

Paige:
(after meeting Gideon.) Who does he think he is? Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Piper, Phoebe, and Paige:
Power of three, unite! End this grizzly fright, Reverse the roles, And make us whole.

Power of three, unite!

End this grizzly fright,

Reverse the roles,

And make us whole.

Phoebe:
I need you to be honest with me. No games, no running away. Just the truth.

Chris:
Okay.

Phoebe:
Are you Wyatt's little brother?

Chris:
(sighs) ... Only if I can get Piper and Leo back together in time.

Phoebe:
There was a wolf following us

Sigmund's Head:
Not everybody sees what you see, Phoebe. Only those who are meant to see, see

Phoebe:
What have you got in there, Confucius?

Piper:
(to Shapeshifter Boy) Hey, watch it! I still have a mouth. I'll turn you into a toad

Piper:
(After Shapeshifter Boy is turned back) Next time, I'll give you warts!

Phoebe:
I've been calling for you all week, didn't you hear me?

Chris:
For the first couple of days, yeah. Then I put you on mute.

Phoebe:
You can put me on mute?

Chris:
Oracles, furtune tellers, soothsayers, they all say the same thing. If Mom and Dad don't screw this month, I'm screwed.

Phoebe:
Okay, I'm just trying to get used to you being my nephew... I never hit on you, did I?

Chris:
What? No.

Phoebe:
Oh, thank God.

Chris:
Can we focus here, please? Mom and Dad need to have sex. Now, who's gonna tell them, you or me?

Genie:
When I form my empire, the first thing I'm gonna do is rid the world of witches.

Paige:
Oh, yeah? Well, when you're back in your bottle, the first thing I'm gonna do is put you in the microwave. Ha ha. How do you like that?

Chris:
Alright, I made a little wish.

Paige:
You did what?

Chris:
Two little wishes.

Paige:
Oh, great. It's not bad enough I have to worry about Richard, now I have to worry about you too. What did you wish for?

Chris:
For Leo to forgive me, which by the way was an accident.

Paige:
And?

Chris:
For Piper and Leo to sleep together.

Paige:
Eww! Oh my God, you are sick! What is wrong with you? You're disgusting!

Chris:
No...

Paige:
You are some creepy registered sex offender from the future.

Chris:
No, no, no...

Paige:
Oh my god, you are so gross.

Chris:
I'm Piper and Leo's son.

Paige:
What?

Chris:
They're my parents. I came back to save my family.

Paige:
You're serious.

Chris:
Yeah. Only now I've gotta save myself. Because if my mom doesn't get pregnant in the next month, there is no me.

Paige:
This is all so wrong! And this has been such a long day...

Paige:
She knows we're up to something. I can't believe how hard it is to get two people laid.

Phoebe:
Paige, that is disgusting.

Paige:
Well, it's what we're trying to do, right?

Phoebe:
No, we are trying to romance Piper and Leo together so they can conceive Chris, our nephew.

Paige:
And that's different how?

Phoebe:
Well, because what you said is very Springer, what I said is very Oprah.

Paige:
Well, what ever show we're watching, we are running out of time.

Piper:
What's going on?

Phoebe:
Maybe, maybe you should sit down, for a second.

Piper:
Oh! That doesn't sound good.

Phoebe:
No, no. No, It's good, it's good. I mean, you know it's not bad. It's a really, it's a really good thing. It's not a bad thing. I think it's a really good thing, Don't you think??

Paige:
Yeah! I mean, it depends, you know.

Piper:
Unhu! that sounds worse.

Paige:
No, it's just complicated.

Paige:
Chris.. is your son.

(Piper stare at them, incredulous)

Phoebe:
Wyatt's brother. Look I know this is huge...

Piper:
No, It's not huge, because it's not possible. It's crazy!'Cause I'm not pregnant!

Phoebe and Paige:
Oh, yeah!

Phoebe:
No, I'm not. I mean, how could that happen!? I mean, I know how that could happen! But, it...... Oh! What am I going to do?

Phoebe:
Maybe you should talk to Leo about it?

Piper:
No! I can't!

Phoebe:
Why?

Piper:
Well, because, because, because I can't!

Chris:
Is this a bad time?

(Piper stare at Chris like she's seeing him for the first time)

Leo:
I never stopped loving you.

Paula:
Todd! There you are, sweetie. (notices Phoebe) Oh, and there you are. I was wondering if you'd have the nerve to show up.

Phoebe:
What do you mean "nerve"?

Paula:
Oh. You're the talk of the reunion. You know, you can fool San Francisco with your pithy advice, but you can't fool us. We all know you, sweetie.

Todd:
That's enough, Paula.

Phoebe:
So what is that supposed to mean?

Paula:
It means you're a fake. The only thing you were ever known for was lying and ditching and stealing boyfriends.

Paige:
Phoebe, are you gonna let someone with a giant helmet that passes for hair talk to you like that?

Ramona:
God, Paula. Just because Todd had a thing for Phoebe, you don't have to be so mean.

Paula (to Ramona):
I'm not being mean. I'm doing her a favor. (to Phoebe) To the rest of the world, you might be "Ask Phoebe", but to us, you'll always be "Freebie".

(Phoebe looks hurt. She turns and walks away)

Paige (to Phoebe):
You okay?

(Paula smirks with pride. Paige glares at Paula, then walks away to follow Phoebe)

Paula (to Todd):
Hey. Let's dance. Hmm?

(cut to the hallway. Phoebe is walking and Paige follows her quickly)

Paige:
Hey. Why didn't you just tell that chick to go screw herself?

(Phoebe turns into Teen Phoebe, then quickly turns back into her adult self)

Paige:
Phoebe?

Phoebe:
Okay, what just happened?

Paige:
You tell me.

Phoebe:
I have no idea. I was just standing here, and then I had some weird high school flashback.

Paige:
Yeah. Your whole body just flashed back.

Phoebe:
What? Are you kidding me? I-I just felt...

Paige:
Pissed?

Phoebe:
Very.

Paige:
Well, as someone who's seen Carrie, both versions, I'd say the reunion is over.

Victor:
Oh my god, you're pregnant!

Piper:
Yeah, it looks that way, huh?

Victor:
When did this happen?

Piper:
Oh, well, you know, I've been meaning to call you but, you know... Leo's the father.

Victor:
Leo? I thought you guys split up.

Piper:
We did.

Victor:
Well, then how... I don't understand.

Piper:
Well, He was dying and I was crying... It's all very complicated

Paige:
And she's under the influence.

Chris:
Of alcohol?

Paige:
No. Adolecence.

Teen Phoebe:
Well I'd rather be rich then a bitch!

(Paula turns into a dog as everyone gasps, dog Paula runs away through the group of people)

Ramona (shocked):
What the hell was that?!

Teen Phoebe:
I don't know but it was so cool!

Teen Phoebe:
The past is the future, the future is the past. Let's welcome back the senior class!

Chris:
Hey, look, I need your help. I think I've got scabs in my tail. (Piper and Paige stare surprised)

Piper:
Oh! Well, I have some hydrogen peroxide in my bathroom.

Chris:
No! scabbers demons.

Rick:
Now, my face. Make it different. Heartbreaking, charming, young.

Phoebe:
You know, I'm thinking maybe you should use our nephew for inspiration.

Paige:
Who you were, you're now another, Take the face of Wyatt's brother.

Piper:
It's a boy. Chris, actually.

Victor:
Chris? Why'd you choose that name?

Piper:
I don't know, and he won't tell me. He's very secretive about the future. He's actually the reason I asked you to come. See, um, he hates me and he doesn't want to talk to me and I need you to find out why.

Victor:
I don't understand your wiccan ways, but I'll try. (He leans towards Piper's stomach) Hello, Chris. Chris. Hello, Chris. Can you hear me?

Chris:
Is someone calling me?

Piper:
Yeah, sweetie, could you come here for a sec?

Victor:
Geez, he can come out? (Chris walks in)

Chris:
Can we air this out, 'cause I gotta... Grandpa! (Chris goes over to Victor and hugs him while Victor is stunned)

Piper:
Chris, is that what you've been living with knowing that something happens to me? I see, well does it happen soon?

Chris:
I can't tell you that, it could change the future in even worse ways.

Piper:
Right, but isn't that why you came here in the first place, to make the future better? How do you know that you haven't already changed mine?

Victor:
She's got a point.

Piper:
Well, whatever it is it obviously doen't happen until after you're born so save it. Got it?

Chris:
I got it, mom. (Piper smiles)

Paige:
So are you happy?

Piper:
'Bout what?

Paige:
About what the doctor said: it's gonna be a healthy baby.

Piper:
Of course it's a healthy baby, I've seen him 22 and walking around.

Paige:
Well you never know, something could've gone wrong!

Piper:
Oh, stop being such a worry wart, you're starting to sound like...(Chris orbs in.) Chris! What are you doing here?

Paige:
This better not be about demons, 'cause I am on my lunch break!

Chris:
No, no. I just wanted to check how it went with the doctor.

Piper:
Well. You'll be happy to know that you're a boy!

Chris:
Funny. That's not what I meant.

Paige:
(looking at ultrasound.) I don't see it...

Piper:
Oh, see it's this little thing over here...

Chris:
(snatches ultrasound away.) Hey! Excuse me, do you mind? (pauses, looks at ultrasound and squints.)

Chris:
Wait, you had a force field with Wyatt but not with me?

Piper:
Well I didn't have one, he had one. It was all his doing.

Chris:
From the womb? He had powers from the womb? That's unbelieveable, it's not like I don't have an inferiority complex with him already. Thank you!

Piper:
(to Paige) Did you find that demon yet?

Paige:
Yes, actually I did. It's the Spider Demon. An evil creature that emerges from its hidden lair every hundred years to capture and feed off the most powerful magical being it can dtect, in this case, that would be you. (looks at Piper)

Chris:
And me.

(Piper and Paige look at Chris. Chris looks up.)

Chris:
Sorta.

Piper:
You must be so proud.

Phoebe:
What? What's so funny?

Piper:
This whole family needs a shrink

Piper:
Okay, what do you say we make this eight legged freak wish it'd never been hatched?

Chris:
Woah, hold it, you are not going anywhere mom, this is way too risky.

Paige:
He's actually right without the Wyatt force field thing...

Chris:
Okay, do you have to keep rubbing that in?

Paige:
Aren't there any therapists in the future?

Chris:
We need Phoebe.

Piper:
No, I don't wanna interrupt her date with Mark.

Paige:
Actually, it's Mike this week.

Chris:
No, it's Mitch, but who cares. We need her.

Paige:
Are you hormonal or just plain crazy?!

Piper:
One woman can only take so much.

Paige:
What do you think these people are gonna do when they step out of their offices?

Piper:
Well, they won't be touching my stomach anymore, that's what I think...

(Piper unfreezes the room.)

Paige:
(to lady who was touching Piper's stomach.) It's okay, it's okay. We all get a little vertigo sometimes. (To Piper, entering in the elevator) No wonder that Chris grows up to be such a neurotic little freak!

Leo:
Phoebe, Paige, how are you?

Paige:
Not so good, we have a problem.

Leo:
Perhaps we should meditate...

Chris:
(while he's punching Leo.) You don't know me! You don't know me!

Paige:
Bugspray, we shoulda used bugspray.

Chris:
Why fight when I've already won.

(The troll knocks at the entrance of the cave. Inside, the Spider Demon growls as she is interrupted from feeding on Piper's cocoon.)

Spider Demon:
Damn it. Can't a demon eat in peace?

(She leaves the cave, walking through the webbed doorway.)

Spider Demon:
You're pissing me off, ya know?

Paige:
Yeah, that's the idea.

Paige:
Step on her!

(The troll stands on the Spider Demon)

Phoebe:
Eww! That is so gross!

Troll:
Sorry!

Phoebe:
How is Piper? Have you seen her?

Chris:
She's good...Uh, big. You know, I keep thinking how weird it's gonna be to actually see myself being born...

Chris:
I think I have a new theory on who might be trying to turn Wyatt evil.

Paige:
Oh, a new theory. What's that? Like the third one this week?

Chris:
What're you keeping score now?

Phoebe:
She's just grumpy 'cause she hasn't had her coffee yet.

Paige:
I am not grumpy. (Phoebe gives her a look.) Ok, fine, maybe a little bit. But you have to admit you've had a lot of different theories lately, and none of them have panned out.

Chris:
That's why they call them "theories".

Paige:
Do we even get along in the future?

Tribunal Demon (talking about the Cleaners.) I care.

Phoebe:
Yeah, you're a demon.

Tribunal Elder:
I care too.

Phoebe:
Oh...well never mind then.

Elder:
What do you have to say for yourself Barbas?

Barbas:
I'm a demon. What do you expect?

Paige:
A perfect man, I summon now. Another way I don't know how. Bring him now into the light. Come back to me Mr. Right.

A perfect man, I summon now.

Another way I don't know how.

Bring him now into the light.

Come back to me Mr. Right.

Phoebe:
Well, let's just hope that we find him before he finds us!

(The door bell rings.)

Phoebe:
Hm... Maybe that's another one of your suiters that you've conjured for your own personal gain and pleasure.

Paige:
Oh, I hope so! (to Mr. Right.) No offense.

Phoebe:
"Use my blood", you said. "It's his blood too", you said.

Phoebe:
Paige, I don't even want to talk about this. I mean, how could you do such a thing?

Paige:
Oh, what, like you've never conjured stuff before.

Phoebe:
Yeah, well, never for myself and never a sex toy.

Mr. Right:
I am not a sex toy.

Phoebe:
Quiet, you.

Paige:
Well, we did it for Piper before.

Phoebe:
Yes, but that was different. We were trying to convince her to not give up on love. We were desperate.

Paige:
Well, maybe I am too.

Chris:
Excuse me, shouldn't we be focusing on the bigger issue here?

(Chris points to Mr. Right.)

Phoebe:
How long has this been going on?

Paige:
About three weeks.

Phoebe:
Three weeks!

Paige:
Give or take. You're the one who kept telling me I needed a break.

Phoebe:
Yes, but I meant take a day off, you know. Go to the spa, have a pedicure, get a massage.

Mr. Right:
I massage her.

(Phoebe gags.)

Chris:
Not something, someone. Demonatrix.

Phoebe:
Look Chris, what you do in your spare time...

Piper:
(laughs) Phoebe?! Are you here to save me or kill me?

Phoebe:
I havn't decided yet, turn around.

Phoebe:
Have you lost your mind?

Paige:
No. Another witch was killed last night.

Phoebe:
Oh, no.

Paige:
Oh, yes! And she had active powers, so I need you to go home where I can keep an eye on you.

Phoebe:
Paige, you're my baby sister, not my baby-sitter.

Paige:
Oh, that's clever. You're very clever. I'm glad that while I'm panicking, you have the time to be clever.

Phoebe:
Ok, it's very sweet that you're worried about me, but I am fine, and I have a lot of work to do here.

Paige:
Great. Do your work from home.

Phoebe:
I can't do it from home because Kyle Donie is not at home.

Paige:
Who is Kyle Donie? Is this about a guy?

Phoebe:
No, it's not about a guy. It's about a reporter, one who knows everything there is to know about crime and criminal investigation and since we don't have Darryl's help anymore, he's the only resource I have.

Paige:
Fine. (hands her the potions vials as she tells her what they are.) Explosive, acid, smoke bomb. Use them.

Phoebe:
Thanks, mom.

Leo:
(refering to the Games Masters) I'm gonna kill them.

Gideon:
No Leo you're an elder now non-violent. Remember?

Leo:
Watch me.

Chris:
You know your time-travel section is due for a serious overhaul. I mean, I can find more information Googling.

Gideon:
Googling?

Chris:
Never mind.

Piper:
(to Paige) Don't forget diapers! Lots of diapers!

(In the alternate underworld, which looks like a jungle. Good and Evil Paige both answer their ringing cellphones.)

Paige:
Piper. Hello?

Piper:
Where the hell are you? I'm in labour!

Phoebe:
Is she okay?

Paige:
She's in labour.

Piper:
Is there an echo?

Piper:
Since when are you in such a hurry to say goodbye?

Phoebe:
Well, since something happened with the thing, and the thing, with the thing.

Chris:
You're laughing! That's great...your nephew almost killed and you're laughing!

Paige:
So we're starring in a little movie called Pleasantville.

Leo:
Hey, I'm here now you can hold on okay? Hold on, hold on... I'm here, you can hold on. Don't give up, okay?

Chris:
You either...

Leo:
No, no, no. Please, no, no, please no...

(Chris fades away to nothing.)