China, IL, Season 1

The Dean:
Steve, these government dudes think you're a terrorist!

Steve:
My life has been putty in his hands! I won't take his putty in my mouth!

Pony:
Steve, he could be crapping in all our mouths right now, and we wouldn't know it.

Steve:
The Dean is—cool.

Baby Cakes:
So cool he could kill or love anyone, and we gotta have a perfect in our pack of regulars or we'd all be lost.

Pony:
Frank, you are such an attention whore!

Frank:
The same can be said for Jesus, and look where it got him: queen of heaven.

The Mayor:
School made that baby; school deal with it! Amen!

Baby Cakes:
Listen up: I started out as a baby on this campus, too, and I'm now me. That baby is flesh and blood—that's got to have value, or else nothing does.

Baby Cakes:
I bet heaven's a ghost town.

Pony:
Duh. That's the point, right?

Baby Cakes:
No, I mean like no one's good enough to be there. Just Jesus playing fetch with Old Yeller.

Frank:
You can't fake gay sex, okay? Hips won't lie.

The Dean:
Steve, tenure is the highest promotion a professor can receive. You are now unfireable—and almost rich.

Pony:
I wish I could get tenure and be almost rich.

Pony:
The Americans didn't need more land, but the natural resources were like—the gravy on potatoes.

[The class gasp.]

Student:
It's finally clear! If potatoes are covered in gravy, then I'll kill anyone to get 'em!

Pony:
And that is exactly what the early Americans did: we killed everybody!

[The class begin cheering.]

Frank:
Oh my God. She's—Amadeus-y.

Kenny:
[Preparing a song] Here's one that sucks in parts, and I hope your dates will do the same.

Baby Cakes:
So Mattie is—

Leonard:
Your sister, son.

Baby Cakes:
Aw, man.

Leonard:
That's why I didn't want you together. Believe me, I understand the inertia of star-crossed love—but fucking your sister is just gross.

Jen:
Only two things matter to me: loyalty and huffing paint.

Steve:
Jen, okay look. I'm just not that into you, all right?

Jen:
Steve, sometimes I get the feeling that you're just not that into me.

Pony:
It does kinda suck that we students failed all our classes. I mean, listen to them down there.

Baby Cakes:
Nah, they sound happy.

[Outside, the students are rioting.]

Student:
[Lighting a cat on fire] We're not happy! [Throws burning cat at office]

Baby Cakes:
The ball's dropping!

Crystal:
Ten.

Falgot:
Nine.

Leonard:
Eight.

Sammy:
Seven.

Baby Cakes:
Green.

Spider:
Five.

The Dean:
Four.

The Governor:
Meh.

Steve:
Two.

[The crowd murmurs in disgust when Frank and his robot counterpart stop the ball.]

Frank:
I can't let my other self die!

Baby Cakes:
Did you find Mom on Facebook and bury a hatchet in her?

Leonard Cakes:
[Laughs] Oh you sweet boy. No. God no!

[At the insanity department, a Caucasian female doctor consults Baby Cakes.]

Caucasian Female Doctor:
You can be honest with us, Baby Cakes.

Baby Cakes:
Well then, [Points to a bald male doctor] you smell tough and [Points to an African female doctor] that girl's a ghoulie and [Points to Falgot] that guy I'm pretty sure is a river Gremlin.

Caucasian Female Doctor:
That's not really what I meant.

Baby Cakes:
I'm horny now! [Points to Leonard] You're fatter than you think, [Points to the Caucasian female doctor] and you could be sexy.

Caucasian Female Doctor:
We need to keep him here. He's clearly insane because I am sexy.

Baby Cakes:
Movies are better than people; you don't have to smell who you're watching.

Baby Cakes:
This movie just busted the fourth dimension!