China, IL, Season 2

Flip Flop:
I heard the Dean's a big ol' murder.

Unnamed Student:
I heard the teachers are criminals.

Flip Flop:
I heard God is, like—really mad at this place.

Pony:
[Learning that she has sixty years before she will resemble Sammy] So this means I'll look good until I'm eighty.

Sammy:
Oh you got it backwards. I finally started looking good at eighty.

[The Dean explains tuition fees will increase while professors' wages decrease.]

Frank:
Come on! This is just a joke, right?

The Dean:
This is not a joke! I'm the sheriff in this town! Abide by my rules or suffer the consequences! [Voice echoing] Consequences! Consequences!

Mexican Dean:
I think I know what's going on here. You waddled your fat cat American ass down here, thinking that Mexico was as dirty and cheap as Selena Gomez.

Pony:
I didn't—waddle.

Mexican Dean:
Miss, this is a university. It costs thousands of dollars, not dozens.

[Steve attacks Carabas.]

Baby Cakes:
Come on, guys; don't be turds out of water!

Flip Flop:
Ah, yeah! Twin fight! Twins hate being twins, yo.

Steve:
No, this is not about us looking alike; I am TOTALLY COOL with that.

Carabas:
We are completely different.

Steve:
Yeah, we are different. You ain't the boss; I am. You're gonna teach my curriculum, and while you're at it, you're gonna change your clothes.

[The crowd gasps.]

Flip Flop:
Oh, I called it! It's about the twin stuff!

[Steve, Carabas and an unnamed lookalike prepare to fight.]

Steve:
Hey, new guy, I think you look more like Carabas there than you do me.

Unnamed Man:
Fuck off; I'm way hotter!

Carabas:
I look nothing like him! I am special!

Unnamed Man/Carabas:
No one is like me!

[The unnamed man drags himself and Carabas into a fireplace.]

Steve:
Yes! Last of the Mohicans!

Frank:
[To Flip Flop about his report] Put it in the trash where it belongs. I said put it in there; I wanna see you do it!

Reagan:
Don't give up your dream for an idiot!

Frank:
He is not an idiot! He's my friend!

Kenny:
Where's that cretin who hates me?

Baby Cakes:
I'm that Cretan.

Kenny:
It's like I'm Ahab who finally got himself a fat-ass Moby Dick. All right, now, how do we fix my woman-problem?

Baby Cakes:
Well, the first thing we gotta do is scrape some of those dicks off your heart and replace them with whatever a woman has downstairs.

Kenny:
Well, that's a grand metaphor and all, but how do we do this practically?

[Pony denies that she and Steve are a couple.]

Frank:
Denying it just makes it more obvious.

Steve:
Just like denying you'll never be a Person of Anyone's Day is obviously sad.

Steve:
Baby Cakes, sometimes when a man has feeling for a woman—

Baby Cakes:
I don't understand!

Leonard:
[Locked out of the house] Jerk! I don't have my key! Let me in!

Baby Cakes:
Well, I got like five keys in here, so you do the meth!

Leonard:
It's not meth. It's math!

Derrick:
Leonard, your turn. Imagine your son tells you that he wants to burn your face off with acid. What do you say?

Leonard:
What do I say? I say—I say, "Go right ahead because you're my son, and I must love you unconditionally."

Derrick:
Are you just telling me what I want to hear?

Leonard:
Hey, Derrick, do me a favor: go fuck yourself.

Pemsy:
[In response to Steve's claiming the Virgin Mary as "the hottest woman ever"] Um, she was technically the least sexual person ever, right?

Matt:
Pemsy, you—your voice makes me mad instantly.

God:
Steve is the new Eve; make him feel shitty for it! Now gimme that! [Snatches the Haardvark and speaks through it] Schnoopies done plugged that, bee-yotch! LOL!

[After God returns to heaven, an angry mob approaches Steve.]

Steve:
All right, everybody, let's just chill.

Steve:
You gotta admit, last night was kind of funny.

Frank:
No I won't admit it! What you did to me was—bad people stuff.

Pony:
[Unsure of Frank's whereabouts] This is all Steve's fault. You know, he tricked me into showing a porno in class. He said that it was the Dean's, but that's just crazy.

Baby Cakes:
Uh huh. Yeah, he's always telling me crazy stuff too, like, "Get me out of this dungeon you built in your basement," and, "I'm not a wizard," so yeah. I feel ya.

Baby Cakes:
[To a foreign exchange student] I'm gonna call you Aladdin, 'cause there is no way that isn't who you are.

Aladdin:
Actually, my name is—

Baby Cakes:
Okay, this whole place was built on a Native American burial ground, but I guess that can be said for all the places in America.

Baby Cakes:
So frats, my genie here needs a hazing, and he needs the "'round-the-world" special.

Aladdin:
I—I do not want to go around the world; we have only just met.

Fraternity Member:
You're both morons—get the fuck out.