China, IL, Season 3

Sunshine:
He's such an anal-mal.

Frank:
Look. You gotta stop pronouncing it like that.

Sunshine:
Like what?

Frank:
Like butt-fucking. You say "anal-mal"; it's "animal."

Miniature Steve:
[Appearing on Steve's shoulder as Steve and Leslie copulate] Stevie you handsome idiot, why are you doing this? You're the cooler brother, man!

Pony:
You know, he told me that he jacked off six times yesterday. Why do I need to know that?

Matt:
Why do I need to know that?

[Enter Steve.]

Flip Flop:
'Sup, brother?

Steve:
No, don't say "brother," all right? That's just gross.

Frank's Anus:
So I'm Frank's better half. But, you know, now that I say that, it makes us sound like a married couple and, come on, do you really think I'd marry down like that?

[Everyone in class laughs.]

Steve's Voicemail:
You got Steve. If you're hot, leave a message, and if you're Pony, just figure it out yourself.

Frank:
I die now. All right, please please please let there be angels.

Frank:
I have been hanging out quite a lot with my friends Transfer Billy and Stacy Megan. Yeah, and it's great.

Pony:
It's a lie is what it is.

Frank:
You're a bush is what you is—are.

Baby Cakes:
When everyone got showers in their home, I bet this is what caused the "Sexual Revolution." First, daily showers, then privates went into the nearest mouths, now butt holes are getting jealous of the Christmas kisses.

The Mayor:
Mayor got a new law, new law! From here on, anchovy eating is banned in Mayor's Church of Pizza. Do it at home, behind closed doors, because in the eyes of God, the only topping that is right and traditional to be eaten on a bed of dough in the church is pepperoni.

Billy:
B.C. is just a repressed, full-on anchovy-eater, like I was before.

Pony:
It makes sense. If he wants anchovies, me must have the anchovy gene, right?

Billy:
His love for pepperoni—it's all been a lie.

Baby Cakes:
Then I'm the greatest liar ever.

Baby Cakes:
I heard that nature was just really like a really hard video game: gotta keep on dying and restarting until you master it.

[Doctor Mother reveals she is marrying the Rock.]

Baby Cakes:
What? No, I thought you wanted to get back with Dad!

Doctor Mother:
Get over it! Arrgghh—sorry, I should eat.

The Rock:
Baby Cakes, your mom is a great lover. She is the best at sucking—

Baby Cakes:
Shut up!

The Rock:
—the Rock off.

Matt:
[In a fantasy scene as he and others play Dungeons & Dragons] Y'all know I just play to try and fuck some elves, right?

One of Muhammad Ali's Daughters:
My dad says he's so bad he should change his first name to Breaking. [The caption reads, "Ali attempts to reference 'Breaking Bad' in quip."] Dad, that sucked. What? No, no. My dad says he's so fast he travels 299,792 kilometers per second. Dad, no.

Easter Bunny:
Yes! Finally, there ain't no caca! This territory is mine!

Pony:
[Attacking the Easter Bunny] You die!

Easter Bunny:
Please stop!

Pony:
Fuck you! Fuck you! I will fucking kill you! [Screaming and tearing up] This world sucks—Easter Bunnies and dead husbands! Die, you fucking Easter Bunny! Die like my dead husband; die like Johnny! I was relieved when Johnny died; I got married to him way too quick! I felt guilty for feeling like this for so long! [Pony pauses as she ceases her attacks.] I do miss him, though.

Baby Cakes:
[Having witnessed the beating] Oh, she's a Chris Brown.

Pony:
No, I'm a brown widow.

[A garbage truck deals with garbage as Pony tries to talk.]

Pony:
You got to trust me. When I was at her house, [Getting louder] I saw a room with [Getting louder] a lock on it, and I bet [Yelling] Kim has been trapped in there! [Yells at the garbageman] Shut the hell up!

Pony:
Kim's dead.

Steve:
Oh my God, how?

Pony:
Gummy bear.

Baby Cakes:
Well, that one's on me, I guess.

Leonard:
Dean, what is this?

The Dean:
The talking monkey? I don't know. We got her from some now-defunct Japanese zoo. They're a dime a dozen. What isn't a dime a dozen are barrels of oil.

Leonard:
Japan? But her Southern accent...

[The communicator reads "Accent:
Atlanta."]

The Dean:
She was bred in captivity, doesn't know anything, costs too much to feed; I fucking hate this monkey. I can't wait to turn him into a few miles' worth of crude oil.

Baby Cakes:
Stop bothering my magical Bigfoot, you worthless, pre-oil monkey! Oh, I can't wait for Dad to take you back to the Dean.

Kei-Ko:
[Via communicator] Wait. I'm going back? No!

The Dean:
Kei-Ko, it's time for you to be turned into oil, just like Mother Nature intended.

Barb:
Dumb Clint, with his big, dumb temper.

Clint:
Shut up, She-goat, or I'll kill you this time!

Barb:
You don't have the balls, One-eye!

Clint:
I told you never to call me that!

[last lines of the series]

Cindy:
[Seeing Frank's excess body hair] Frank? What's wrong with you?

Frank:
[Groans] I have saved a fucking gorilla today, I also talked a very special idiot out of willing himself dead, and now, just because I'm too hairy in some places and too bald in other places, you can't find it in your putrid little heart to want to get to know me sexually? [Laughs sarcastically] What's wrong with me? What is wrong with you? I am magical!