Clone High

Scudworth:
"STAMOS! DAMN HIM AND HIS JET-BLACK HAIR AND AWARD-WINNING SMILE! Oh, I'm a failure! A failure! I'm so disorganized! I start to dial, but I never call anyone back! You should see my car! It's a mess. I'm a mess! I go to the submarine sandwich restaurant and I leave my submarine sandwich restaurant value card at home,every time! All I want is a free sandwich. STAMOS!"

Abe's foster dad:
Well, foster son, over half of high school students nationwide have chosen abstinence, which is a good choice. But they're not dating Cleo-frigging-patra! Have you seen that girl's ass!? It's built like the space shuttle! Oh this could be your only chance to drown the slippery otter! To harpoon the salty longshoreman! To verb the adjective noun! But, abstinence is a good choice as well.

JFK:
"MY KENNEDY SENSE IS TINGLING! Here's how it is and as much as I am popular and you're very good looking,I'm going to ask you to prom now and YOU WILL OBVIOUSLY SAY YES![Joan punches JFK and he falls to the ground]"Uggh!"

Joan(after makeover):
"No"

JFK:
"Okay.I'm just a shy lad and I don't know how to ask this,but will you go to the prom with me?[Joan punches JFK in the face and he falls on the ground again]"Uggh!"

JFK:
"I'er didn't see it coming 'ither and by it I MEAN ME!

JFK:
[popping in and out of bathroom to taunt Abe and Gandhi] I will see you there. And by will, I mean won't. HA HA HA! / Because you're not invited. I, er, wasn't sure if I was clear on that earlier. So you're not. Invited that is. / TO MY PARTY!! / Forgot to wash my hands...

Van Gogh:
[on phone] Sometimes I just turn the lights off in my room and cry.

Gandhi:
I'm sorry, uh, Van Gogh, could you speak up?

Van Gogh:
The only way I can cling to my sanity is that nobody knows how lonely I truly am.

Gandhi:
[To crowd at party, snickering] He's sad...

Crowd:
[Laughs]

Gandhi:
It's Hilarious!

Van Gogh:
Wait, am I on speakerphone?

Gandhi:
Hey, would Gandhi put somebody on speakerphone?

Crowd:
NO!

Van Gogh:
This is Gandhi, how could you? [begins to tear up and his lower lip begins to quiver]

Gandhi:
Hey man, Gandhi's anti-violence, not anti-comedy. [Hangs up] Whoo. Feels good to help people.

Scudworth:
Your secret army of cloned historical figures is maturing according to schedule.

Shadowy Figure:
I'm sorry, Dr. Scudworth, is that a scale model behind you labelled "Dr. Scudworth's Evil Plan?"

Scudworth:
Say, where'd you get those fresh Pumas, Bro?

Shadowy Figure:
Actually, we're sponsored by Puma. These bad boys are catalogue-only.

Scudworth:
If you're implying that I plan to steal the clones away from you and use them in a clone-themed amusement park, then shame on you. By the by, could I have $2,000,000...you know, for dry erase markers and such...they've got some keen new colors like...kiwi...and mango...

Shadowy Figure:
For giggles, I'm going to keep saying "no" until you turn the TV off. No, no, no, no, no, no, no—

Abe:
Right now all I can think about is not thinking about you over there on your thinking dock thinking about what you did.

Joan:
I was only trying to help, Abe. You don't know what you're getting into...what she's getting you into.

Abe:
You don't know what you're getting into, and that's out of my friendship. And do you know what hurts the most, Joan? This nail I just stepped on. But there's a metaphorical nail in my other foot that hurts the second most, and it's from you backstabbing me. So maybe instead of the nail metaphor, I should have used a stabbing metaphor, but it's too late for that now, isn't it?

Joan:
I guess it is.

Abe:
That's where you're wrong, Joan. Because I'm going to win that election with the most dangerous campaign stunt since Dukakis jumped the snake river canyon. Goodbye, Joan. [Walks off dock into water. Gets back onto dock] ...Goodbye, Joan.

[Tom Green has just noticed Abe reading his book]

Tom Green:
Hey, you're reading my book! Touch the book...lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Book. Book. Book. Book. Book. Yeah, I haven't read it either, people with ADD aren't good readers. Wanna go shave a dog?

Abe:
My friend has ADD, and everyone at school treats him like some kind of leper.

Tom Green:
Well, that's discrimination! Hey, do you wanna go take a dump in my parents' bed?

[Abe remains silent]

Tom Green:
[Caws] I'm an albatross! I'm an albatross! I'm flap-flap-flapping my albatross wings, flap-flap-flapping my albatross wings...[falls out of window]...AAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH-[pokes the skin on his elbow]-AGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Tom Green:
Hi everybody, I'm Ottawa's Tom Green. I live in Hollywood.

[crowd claps]

Tom Green:
Thank you. So, some of you have been mean to a kid with A.D.D. That's not cool. Coffee? Anyone...coffee, anyone? Huh? Sorry. I like cotton candy. Check out my muscle. Potato chips! It's a Ferris wheel! So I guess what I'm trying to say is...

[sees a plastic bag blow by and runs after it]

Tom Green:
...Plastic bag! Plastic bag! Plastic bag! Plastic bag! Plastic bag!

Abe:
Like Mister Green so eloquently said ...

Tom Green:
WHO LIKES CHEESE?

Scudworth:
Maybe we could have dinner. Perhaps the Olive Garden. It's like eating in the private kitchen of a delightful Italian stereotype!

Shadowy Figure:
We were thinking somewhere more...intimate. Your house, next Friday, no dairy. Please.

[transmission ends]

Scudworth:
Dammit! I haven't been to the Olive Garden in, like, forever!

George Washington Carver:
Say what?

Gandhi:
Cut. No! No, no, man, you're making me fall asleep... tah death, bro! 'K, the line is "Say whaaaaat?"

George Washington Carver:
Say what?

Gandhi:
Say whaaaaat?

George Washington Carver:
Say what?

Gandhi:
Say...

George Washington Carver:
Say...

Gandhi:
Whaaa

George Washington Carver:
What?

Gandhi:
Say whaaaaat?

George Washington Carver:
[Irritated] I! GANDHI! This character is not me!

Gandhi:
Say whaaa...

George Washington Carver:
Stop it! Listen...

Doug Prepcourse:
Sleep ought to be the number one thing on that list. I was in my 18 wheeler late one night, at about the sleepy hour, when I came across a cop, weaving all over the road. He was clearly too sleepy to drive. I tried to guide him off the road with my rig, but I think I over did it and sent that cop sailing off a cliff. [Laughs]

Joan:
Did you kill him?

Doug Prepcourse:
Kill him!? I saved his life... 'course, he's a cripple now.

Gandhi:
[Pause] Hey, is that your rig? SWEET!

Gandhi:
I don't know if I want a hamburger, hot dog, chili, or all of above.

Doug Prepcourse:
Can you eliminate two of the options? If you can, go ahead and guess. Chances are, that's what you want.

Gandhi:
It makes sense because it's real.

JFK:
Gay foster dads, do you mind if I watch Will & Grace with you?

Gay foster dad:
But you usually watch SportsCenter up in your room, baby.

JFK:
Well, I've been thinking of switching channels... and I'm a little scared.

Gay foster dad:
Getting into a new show can be a little uncomfortable, but once you get into the rhythm of it you'll be on your knees begging for more.

Mr. Butler-tron:
Your friend should listen to her heart. I'm not programmed to wink but if I were programmed to wink I would have winked when I said your friend.

Principal Scudworth:
My evil surgery certainly won't be disturbing at an expensive china store.

Skunky-Poo:
Yoo-hoo! (Scudworth drops the tool and ends up hitting the clone, the clone screams in pain and his blood lands on lab coat. Scudworth's heart pumps and Skunky-Poo drops a dynamite)

Principal Scudworth:
Ma'am, I believe this lipstick of dynamite belongs to you! (The dynamite explodes in his face, Scudworth screams in agony) That dynamite really sparked! (Skunky-Poo unzips the disguise, sprays on his face and kisses)

Skunky-Poo:
Try and catch me, bitch! (Runs away, all the china fall and shatter)

Abe:
CLEO!!!!! (Cleopatra gasps) Don't get on that plane! (The conductor closes the door. Abe gasps) BUDDY HOLLY! Is there any room on your plane?

Buddy Holly:
Well, let me see. It's me, Ritchie Valens, The Big Bopper, Jim Croce, Stevie Ray Vaughan and a half of Lynyrd Skynyrd. I guess there's any room for more.

Principal Scudworth:
Yo, the atta-boy! Bring me a hot dog with a side of ketchup! (Krabby Cakes wears a shirt, pants and ladder, holds a hot dog and dynamite on a round tray and gives Scudworth the hot dog and dynamite) This ketchup will be spice up my dog. (He tries to squeeze the dynamite, but he realizes that dynamite is disguised as "Catsup") Darn it! It's being blocked by some sort of lit fuse! (Explodes in his face, Scudworth screams in pain)

Krabby Cakes:
You've got crabs, ass-face! (Krabby Cakes jumps on Scudworth's palm, cuts his nose) Aha!

Abe:
Girls, girls, please! You know how I feel about conflict. I'm against it! Now, I love you both. One in a completely platonic way, the other with a fiery passion that most people know but once in a lifetime. By the way, that one's not you, Joan; it's Cleo.

Joan of Arc:
[referring to Cleo's bra] Why don't you just take the tissues out and it'll fall off?

Cleopatra:
[gasps] You signed a nondisclosure agreement! I hope you have good lawyers, because I'm gonna sue your hand-me-down pants off, bleacher trash!

Abe:
Girls, girls, girls! You're both human beings. You both put your bras on one leg at a time.

Larry Hardcore:
Are you ready to say no to drugs? Coz if you don't say no to drugs, you're gunna say yes, to regret. And believe me, I know a little something about regret. I regret the time, that I got 'high' and wrote a hit song and it made me insane amounts of coin. Coin I used to buy more drugs. And a motor boat. And a house for my mom. Plus I gave some to charity. See, I was into everything. Weed, grass, ganja, reefer, marijuana, mary-jane.. I did it all. I even smoked pot once. I was such a waste case, I would've probably smoked..I dunno raisins if somebody told you that got ya high.

Gandhi:
Geldemore! But, where's the princess?

Geldemore:
Closer than you think, Gandhi. Use the Amulet.

[Gandhi uses the amulet; Geldemore becomes slightly more humanoid but is still very much unicorn-ish.]

Geldemore:
It was I, all along. As a reward for your bravery and leadership, I shall thrice lay you.

Gandhi:
Uhhh, that's—, that's cool. But [cough] I'm good.

Geldemore:
But, but, but I shall thrice lay you.

Gandhi:
Uh, I just ate, and they say you shouldn't lay thrice, uh, after eating. Uh [cough] thank you.

Geldemore:
We could just do coffee first. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

Gandhi:
It's just, um, I've got to be up early.

Geldemore:
Oh—, Ok, alright, that's fine. I'm kinda seeing someone anyway.

Gandhi:
Well, uh, thanks for the trippy adventure through my subconscious, huh. I'll call you.

Geldemore:
Oh, ok, great.

Gandhi:
You know, maybe we could, uh, hang out, uh, but, you know, not—

Geldemore:
Sure, sometime, maybe.

Gandhi:
—not lay.

Geldemore:
Whatever. I'm listed, in Santa Monica.

Scudworth:
D'oooh, he thinks he's the greatest thing since wheels on a bucket!

Glen the Janitor:
Ponce was like a son to me... probably because he was my foster son... my DEAD foster son. [sobs] Son, I just want you to know--

Scudworth:
Oh, janitor! Some kid threw up in the hallway. Could you make with the sawdust and clean it up?

Glen:
I'm... kinda delivering my son's eulogy, here.

Scudworth:
Yeeeah... If you could just do it now, your son will still be dead when you get back.

Joan:
[after Gandhi throws a cup] That's not COOL, Gandhi!

Gandhi:
If littering's not cool, why does Ponce do it?

Abe:
Where am I going to get money to buy Cleo a good present?

Gandhi:
Have a Bar Mitzvah, dude. You get mad stacks!

Abe:
Sounds sweet but I think I'm going to do the Christian thing, get a job.

Gandhi:
Right on! Both Will Smith and Bill Gates have jobs and they're millionaires!

Abe and Gandhi:
[High five] To jobs!

Abe:
What a jerk! Napoleon's got some sort of a complex. I don't know what it is, but man.

Scudworth:
I first got the idea for Cloney Island after seeing the movie Jurassic Park 3. But my ill-conceived amusement park will be filled with human clones instead of zoo animals. It's as fool-proof as the amusement park in the movie itself!

JFK:
Hey, you! Half Pint, Junior Mint, Pipsqueak, Tiny Tim, Yardstick, Snack Pack, Wee Fella, Brown Leprechaun!

Gandhi:
Are you talking to me?

JFK:
No, no, no! Like this! 'Fo-wah, suppah, I, er, uh, wanna party plattah!'

Cleo:
Abe, it's sex o' clock, it may sound like I said six, but I replaced it with a more suitable term, [whispers] sex!

[Abe looks at Cleo and Joan over and over again until Cleo stick her tongue and hops on Abe's back]

Abe:
[whispering] Cotton balls...

Abe:
But Joan. I love- [gets frozen]