Community, Season 1

Jeff:
Uh, I am in a bit of a jam. The state Bar has suspended my license. They found out my college degree was less than legitimate.

Duncan:
I thought you had a Bachelor's from Columbia?

Jeff:
And now I have to get one from America. And it can't be an e-mail attachment.

Jeff:
You know what makes humans different from other animals?

Troy:
Feet!

Pierce:
No, no, no, come on. Bears have feet.

Jeff:
We're the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do, for the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you its name is Steve, and go like this! [snaps pencil in two to the discomfort of the others] And part of you dies, just a little bit, on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting.

Pierce:
Big mistake.

Troy:
Got a point.

Jeff:
People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome, but I can never admit that because that would make me an ass. What I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce. We need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer.

Pierce:
The Dalai Lama and I-

Jeff:
We should listen to him sometime. We wouldn't regret it. And Shirley. Shirley has earned our respect. Not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. And don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was way too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. Do you think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No, they're trying to impress their high school's prom king. And Abed. Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup because you know what? Soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You are just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself.

Pierce:
Soup?

Pierce:
[raising a glass] To the empowerage of words.

Jeff:
To the irony of that sentence.

Jeff:
Hey, you know what today is? [Hands Britta a card] It's the two week anniversary of my horrible first impression.

Britta:
There's a card for that?

Jeff:
Not specifically, but if you think of grandsons as a metaphor for friendship, I think you'll agree with this Transformer here that it's time for ours to become a man, by reading from the Torah.

Abed:
I'm interested in making movies, but my dad says all media is Western propaganda that negatively stereotypes Arabs.

Troy:
He should see Aladdin. Jafar was a badass!

Jeff:
Hey, Troy sneezes like a girl!

Troy:
And how 'bout I pound you like a boy! That didn't come out right.

Annie:
This is really important to me, Abed. Could you please go as my friend? My really good friend?

Abed:
Well, I didn't realize we were really good friends. I figured we were more like Chandler and Phoebe; they never really had stories together. ...Sure, I'll do it, Chandler.

Duncan:
The Duncan Principle is simple. Namely, the more control lost by the... [students begin writing] Yeah, I'm going to write this down too, actually.

Troy:
The only difference between Señor Chang and Stalin is that I know who Señor Chang is.

Jeff:
She confessed to protect her classmates, because you were threatening to flunk everyone!

Duncan:
[Incredulous] You did what?

Chang:
Oh, shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs!

Duncan:
Hey, British dentistry is not on trial!

Jeff:
I'm saying, you're a football player. It's in your blood!

Troy:
That's racist.

Jeff:
Your soul.

Troy:
That's racist.

Jeff:
Your eyes?

Troy:
That's gay?

Jeff:
That's homophobic.

Troy:
That's black.

Jeff:
That's racist.

Troy:
Damn.

Troy:
Hip, hop, body don't stop. Riverside got the broom, don't need a mop. Put your team in the box, put a ribbon on top, we're not John Kerry 'cause we don't flip-flop.

Annie:
Troy, why are you doing our politically conservative high school's shamefully outdated fight rap?

[...]

Troy Barnes:
Bing, bong, sing along. Your team's Al Gore 'cause your views are wrong.

Jeff:
Batman, are you staying for the party?

Abed:
[in Batman costume] If I stay, there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant.

Wherever a party needs to be saved, I'm there. Wherever there are masks, wherever there's tomfoolery and joy, I'm there.

But sometimes I'm not cause I'm out in the night, staying vigilant. Watching. Lurking. Running. Jumping. Hurtling. Sleeping. No, I can't sleep. You sleep. I'm awake. I don't sleep. I don't blink. Am I bird? No. I'm a bat. I am Batman. Or am I? Yes, I am Batman. Happy Halloween.

[Troy and Abed are talking with their best Batman voices]

Troy:
Candy corn looks like tiny traffic cones.

Abed:
Yeah, it sure does.

Troy:
At like a candy traffic school. Like a little gingerbread man at the wheel. And he's drunk!

Abed:
Look out!

Troy:
We drivin'. But you keep wantin' to eat yourself.

Abed:
All day.

Troy:
That's one of my biggest fears.

Abed:
What is?

Troy:
If I ever, like, woke up as a donut...

Abed:
You would eat yourself?

Troy:
I wouldn't even question it.

Troy:
That's one of my biggest fears.

Abed:
Mmm. That'd be tasty.

Troy:
It's cool to know other people think about this stuff, too.

Abed:
Yeah. Yeah.

[Britta turns off the TV.]

Jeff:
Hey, what are you doing? That was The Jeffersons, honky...

Britta:
I was wrong, OK? Material possessions are important. Think how much happier The Jeffersons were than that family on Good Times.

Jeff:
Yeah, but they had good times.

Jeff:
How are you so satisfied all the time, Abed? I mean, don't you ever want anything more out of life than cereal?

Abed:
[thinking] Sometimes, I like to pour hot cocoa mix into cold milk, and drink it like a cold hot chocolate. I call it Special Drink.

Jeff:
And someday, you will know it by its true name: diabetes.

Abed:
You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.

Jeff:
I'm sorry?

Abed:
You're Goldie Hawn.

Jeff:
Is it the lips?

Abed:
No. In Overboard, she was just like you. Wealthy, assertive, arrogant, got manicures all the time. But then she fell off her boat, and it was a good thing for her, because, ultimately, she realized she was happier being poor and raising four unruly boys with Kurt Russell.

Jeff:
Can I not be Kurt Russell in this scenario?

Abed:
You can do whatever you want, you just have to know what that is. For me, it's Lucky Charms and TV.

Dean Pelton:
Mr. Winger, did you happen to hear my announcement?

Jeff:
I hang on every word.

Dean Pelton:
I'm going to assume that's sarcasm.

Jeff:
Correct.

Dean Pelton:
So you didn't hear my announcement?

Jeff:
I'm barely listening now.

Jeff:
Ugh!

Annie:
What's wrong?

Jeff:
I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.

Annie:
It's called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.

Jeff:
I hate it!

Annie:
Well get used to it! You're knee-deep in it now, brother. This is debate!

[Señor Chang has assigned excessive homework.]

Britta:
There's only one solution. Someone has to go to Chang and talk to him.

Annie:
I vote we all look at Jeff at the same time. [They do.]

Jeff:
[Not paying attention] In a way, all of you are right... OK, what was I tuning out?

Annie:
You have to get Chang to call off some of this homework! You're the one with the silver tongue.

Pierce:
Yeah, go tongue Chang.

Jeff:
Guys, what makes you think I can convince Chang of anything if I can't convince you not to make me do it?

Shirley:
Well, I guess it sounds crazy...

Troy:
Jeff does raise a good point.

[The others murmur in agreement]

Troy:
Wait! You are convincing!

[The others gasp and exclaim their realization]

[Chang is going through a split with his wife]

Chang:
You make no mistake about this, Winger: I pleasure that woman greatly.

Jeff:
Psh, yeah, you look like you would have to. I'm not surprised you said that.

Shirley:
Pierce has got a girlfriend!

Britta:
That's great. What's she do?

Pierce:
She's an escort.

Shirley:
Oh...

Jeff:
Some mysteries solve themselves, don't they?

Dean:
Isn't it great? Greendale is the latest campus to catch a case of public health fever.

Britta:
You know the toilets in the women's bathrooms don't have seats, right?

Dean:
Because they keep getting stolen. Sabrina, take a note. I want hidden cameras in every stall.

Britta:
Problem solved.

Shirley:
I'm so sick of the dean jamming his PC-ness down my throat.

Jeff:
Pierce, I'd like to commend you for letting that one go.

Britta:
Guys, are we really going to let religion divide us? I think there's one thing we can all agree on.

Abed:
I get 72 virgins in heaven.

Britta:
...No.

Jeff:
[After being kicked in the face by Buddy] No no, its fine, it's fine. It's just little a nose bleed. I get 'em when it's dry and when my face gets kicked.

Abed:
Jeff, what's your favorite episode of M*A*S*H?

Jeff:
The one with, uh... the army.

Abed:
That's what I thought. If you'd ever actually seen the show, you'd know that Hawkeye didn't just bed nurses and drink martinis. He also had blood sprayed on his face and barked orders when the choppers came in. If he didn't, people died. He was a leader, Jeff. That's your job.

Jeff:
You keep a list of everyone based on how good-looking they are?

Dean:
Yes, we do... number two.

Professor Michelle Slater:
Dean Pelton?

Dean:
Yes, Professor Seven... uh, Professor Slater?

Pierce:
[talking about Troy's dancing] Troy, what you did took guts. I'm impressed.

Troy:
Thanks Pierce.

Pierce:
And such a creative way to tell the world you're gay.

Jeff:
You know what I don't get? He [Vaughn] never wears a shirt. He never wears shoes. Why hasn't he died from lack of service?

Shirley:
You don't see me saying anything crazy about Abed and Troy's weird relationship.

Abed and Troy:
[to each other] They're just jealous.

Dean Pelton:
[over P.A.] It's Valentine's week, when the Greendale Human Being is the Cupid Being, delivering your gift to that special someone. But, remember, Cupid's face is magic marker on nylon, so love is not only blind but also dizzy and a little belligerent.

Abed:
Another muffin basket from another actress who wants to be in my next film.

Jeff:
Does that work?

Abed:
Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking. Ah, that's sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect. This sounds way more like sarcasm. Inflection is so interesting.

[Abed is being a "different version of himself"; Annie is standing in as the girl Abed intends to court]

Abed:
What are you reading?

Annie:
Pride and Prejudice.

Abed:
So you're familiar with two sins... how about a third?

Shirley:
Ooh! [Everyone leans in closer as Abed pulls out a cigarette case.]

Annie:
I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here.

Abed:
Well, then you picked the wrong outfit, didn't you?

[Abed leans in for a kiss and is interrupted at the last second.]

Shirley:
Abed, what are you doing?!

Abed:
Don Draper from Mad Men. What did you think?

Britta:
Weird.

Troy:
Awesome.

Pierce:
Put your tongue in her ear.

Annie:
I liked it.

Abed:
The truth is lots of girls like me because, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable, and, uh, my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so... I'm more used to them approaching me.

Britta:
So we didn't damage your self-esteem or anything?

Abed:
Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal.

[There is a pause]

Jeff:
Abed, you're a god.

Abed:
I hope they're not twins. Twins freak me out. They always know what the other one is-

Troy:
-Thinking?

Abed:
Yeah. And they're always finishing each other's-

Troy:
-Pie?

Abed:
Exactly. It's creepy.

Annie:
How much effort do I rate?

Jeff:
For you, I'd break a light sweat.

Annie:
Good. I need a favor. Help Pierce with his step daughter?

Jeff:
You're becoming dangerous, Annie. It's those doe eyes. Disappointing you is like choking the little mermaid with a bike chain.

Admiral Slaughter:
I don't see students here; I see seamen. I didn't create them. From the moment you climbed aboard, I saw seamen inside you. More importantly, you've stopped giggling at the word "seamen," and that's the mark of a real seaman.

Abed:
Anyone can be a lawyer. You can even represent yourself. You can't do surgery on yourself. It's illegal. You'd get arrested, and then you'd get a free lawyer.

Dean Pelton:
From now on, April 1st is now March 32nd.

Britta:
"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Cancer!" "Oh good, come on in, I thought it was Britta!"

Abed:
For as long as I can remember, I always wanted to be in a mafia movie.

Troy:
If it was cool to eat God, he'd be a chicken finger.

Abed:
You still call me a terrorist.

Pierce:
If you're not, I'm sorry. If you are, I'm a hero. It's a risk I'm prepared to take.

Shirley:
Come on, everybody, let's not make fun of Annie.

Annie:
No, no, I don't want anybody's pity. You know, come to think of it, after Pierce, you're the most bigoted.

Shirley:
What?

Annie:
When you found out I was Jewish, you invited me into a 'pool party' that turned out to be a baptism.

Shirley:
Well, excuse me for trying to sneak you into heaven!

Troy:
[talking about the paintball competition] What's the prize?

Dean:
It was a DVD Blu-Ray player but it was stolen, so now it's TBD.

Troy:
I want TBD. Is that new?

Pierce:
if it's what I think I had it for a month in the seventies.

Pierce:
You want my advice, pork her and move on. It's what we did back in my day.

Jeff:
Yes, but you also put hydrogen in balloons and that was bad.

[Annie has betrayed the group]

Jeff:
Now she is going to make the Disney face. Her lip is going to quiver and her eyes will flutter but they won't ever actually close but do not feel sorry for her!

Jeff:
Friends don't do what you did to us. Did the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants poison each other's food so they were too sick to leave? No! I've never seen it, but I'm pretty sure they MAILED EACH OTHER PANTS!

Annie:
I said I was sorry!

Jeff:
Who cares if you're sorry? We're still screwed! Be sorry about this stuff before you do it, then DON'T DO IT!

Chang:
[pulls out a roll of coins] Do you know what this is?

Duncan:
A roll of quarters?

Chang:
Yeah, that's right! [punches Duncan]

Jeff:
Slater makes me feel like I do when I write my new years resolutions. She makes me feel like the guy I want to be. And Britta makes me feel like the guy I am three weeks after new years, when I'm back to hitting my snooze button and screening my mom's phone calls. Back to who I really am. So, do you try to evolve? Or do you try to know what you are?

Dean Craig Pelton:
[giving a public speech to welcome new students at Greendale Community College] Uhhh, good morning! Uhh, many of you are halfway through your first week here at Greendale and, as your Dean, I thought I would share a few thoughts of wisdom and inspiration. [reading from his notes] What is community college? Well, you've heard all kinds of things. You've heard it's "loser" college for remedial teens, 20-something dropouts, middle-aged divorcees and old people keeping their minds active as they circle the drain of eternity. That's what you've heard; however, I wish you luck! [awkward silence] Okay, you know- Uh, oh. There's more to this speech, so there's actually a middle card that is missing, can we all look around our immediate areas? 'Cause I really wanted to...

Abed Nadir:
I'm only half arab actually, my dad is Palestinian but he's a US citizen so he's not a threat to national security or anything, a lot of people want to know that after they meet him because he has an angry energy, but not like angry at America, just angry at my mom for leaving him, although she did leave him because he was angry and he was angry because she's American, my name's Abed by the way.

Jeff Winger:
Abed, uhhh, nice to know you and then meet you, in that order. Now, about that question that I asked?

Abed:
Oh, uhh, five after eleven when you asked.

Jeff:
[spots Britta Perry in the distance] Abed.

Abed:
Yeah.

Jeff:
What's the deal with the hot girl from Spanish class? I can't find a road in there.

Abed:
Well, I've only talked to her once while she was borrowing a pencil, but...her name is Britta, she's 28, birthday in October, she has two older brothers and one of them works with children who have a disorder I might wanna look up. Oh, and she thinks she's going to flunk tomorrow's test so she really needs to focus and she's sorry that makes her seem cold.

Jeff:
Holy crap. Abed, I see your value now. [walks away]

Abed:
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.