Community, Season 4

Annie:
Showing up early, helping others, sending girls away? Could this be a whole new Jeff Winger?

Jeff:
Don't ruin it by approving it.

Britta:
I wish to end all wars.

Troy:
That's another rule. No wishes containing the word 'all'. Guaranteed ironic consequences.

Britta:
I don't think anyone's going to miss wars.

Troy:
Star Wars, Thumb wars, wow, Storage Wars!

Jeff:
The dead can't have business. They can't want or think or do. It's the living that choose to be haunted.

Abed:
I remember when this show was about community college.

[at an Inspector SpaceTime convention]

Britta:
Jeff, why are people staring at you?

Jeff:
'Cause they've never seen a man who's had sex before?

Annie:
We come all this way, and you just leave me alone without so much as sending a text message? I'm sick of it, Jeff... Nigel... Winger! [tries to throw two more drinks in Jeff's face, but realises they are empty] Can I get two more of these, please?

Jeff:
Enough! This day has turned crazy. I'm gonna go upstairs, towel off, and pray to God that I wake up in the middle of a final in a class I didn't know I was enrolled in. [storms off]

Reinhold:
Don't worry. If there is one thing Germans don't do, it's hold a grudge.

Abed:
Unless we're talking about Die Hard 3.

Jeff:
Or the 20th century.

Jeff:
I really am Hitler.

Shirley:
Yeah.

Pierce:
So it's just decided? No vote or anything?

Troy:
I hate this. I wish there was a way we could make it up to people.

Jeff:
That's it! We need to make reparations. We have to start giving back, because Greendale has given us so much. It gave us the study room. And that study room is our home. But our home is more than those four walls. And our family is more than the seven of us. It's all of Greendale. And everyone deserves to have what we have. [after they finished the study room make overs] What do you know? Greendale just got slightly better.

Jeff:
I thought I told you to stop reading my emails.

Dean:
Well, I thought I told you to stop keeping secrets!

Britta:
Psychology tells us there are no accidents.

Jeff:
What about car accidents, Tara Reid, or the Hindenburg?

Jeff:
I'm gonna go get a sandwich, which, unlike "changnesia," is real.

Troy:
Kevin doesn't know about labor laws, or forty hour work weeks, or that that guy named him after his dog.

Dean:
The perfect mix of low intellect, limited ambition, and limitless parental support.

Jeff:
So, a rich dum-dum who will never graduate and keep dropping money into the school indefinitely. Got it.

Britta:
We do need the money. The biology department's been dissecting the same dead pig for ten years.

Dean:
If we get this money, we can buy 100 pigs and make everybody happy.

Jeff:
You're really doing this? Look, as someone who faked being a lawyer for seven years, I appreciate your commitment to the bit, but just admit you were wrong.

Britta:
So you can say I Britta'd it?

Jeff:
Yes, of course. That goes without saying. But come on, it was a small mistake. Call this off before it becomes a full-scale "Brittastrophe." I coined that.

Annie:
So, Abed, I was thinking about what you said about showing growth, and I was thinking maybe one way to do that is to meet new people and...

Abed:
Where's this going?

Annie:
Can I set you up with a date for the Sadie Hawkins Day dance?

Abed:
Blind date. I've always thought of myself as more of an acquired taste, but okay.

Shirley:
Oh, if you're open to meeting someone, there's a number of eligible young ladies in my church.

Annie:
Shirley, I'm already finding a date for Abed. I asked first.

Shirley:
There's no reason we can't both help Abed find someone. Why don't we each pick a girl and let Abed decide, instead of making it a competition?

Abed:
That's exactly a competition.

Britta:
There are so many clouds; it's so dark!

Troy:
I can't even see the Landing Strip, or any of the other nudie bars!

Shirley:
Oh, Heaven help us!

Annie:
We must be miles above the ground!

Pierce:
That's international airspace. We're literally above the law! Jeff can marry any man he wants.

Jeff:
Wait a second guys, I think we're starting to go down.

Shirley:
[to Britta] You see, prayer works.

Britta:
So does gravity, Shirley.

Shirley:
And you know who invented gravity, right?

Jeff:
I found the perfect girl for me, and then I met her kid. [starts singing] I said it didn't bother me, but truthfully it did. I promised him I'd make it to a baseball game he had... But I bailed and never called again, and now I'm just exactly like my dad.

Britta :
I am an activist, that's always been my choice. Truth is I never voted, except when I watch The Voice.

Annie:
I was struggling in history, I'm normally the best. I let Cornwallis rub my feet to give me all the answers to a test.

Troy:
I caused the Greendale fire of '03. Fifty-five acres went up in a blaze, all because I burned an ant hill.

All together:
This secret inside me, was trapped beyond a doubt. And now my most terrible secret is out!

Pierce:
I never slept with the great Eartha Kitt. We dry humped inside of her tour bus!

All together:
This secret inside me, was trapped beyond a doubt. [Jeff only] And now my most terrible secret is out.

Annie:
Look at us! Our group's first grown-up Christmas party. Thanks for hosting. I hope you don't mind I brought a few things just to make the place look a little short-term corportate housing.

Jeff:
Oh, well, mi casa es su art project.

Jeff:
What is this?

Annie:
Oh, I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.

Jeff:
You realise you've just put your friends in a very awkward position. A gift creates obligation.

Annie:
I don't see it that way.

Jeff:
Well, I do, and I think the others will too.

Shirley:
[knocks on the door and comes in] Merry Christmas! I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.

Jeff:
Oh, who couldn't have seen that coming?

Shirley:
Oh, Annie, I love what you did with the place.

Annie:
It's a work in progress.

[Troy and Britta come in]

Troy:
Good tidings, fellow Christmas celebrators. And to all a good wassailing.

Britta:
I know we said no gifts, but we couldn't resist.

Jeff:
There is a real problem with resistance in this group.

Shirley:
Speaking of tomorrow, Troy and Britta, have you decided what you're gonna do for your one-year anniversary?

Britta and Troy Barnes:
Of...?

Annie:
Your first date?

Britta:
Oh! Kidding.

Troy:
Yeah! That was a test and you failed.

Pierce:
You guys are dating? Man. Somebody's sure is working her way around the table. [Looks at Britta]

Abed:
Freaky Friday. Oh, Troy, you are so thoughtful. I wish I had the capacity for sentimentality like you do.

Troy:
Me? I wish I was more like you. No emotional hang-ups, endless cool adventures. You have it so easy.

Abed:
No, you do, Troy.

Troy:
No, you do, Abed.

[both grab the Freaky Friday cover]

Abed and Troy:
I wish I could switch places with you for just one day.

[both start to go in circles and make weird sounds while the lighting starts to switch on and off, and then they fall over dramatically]

Shirley:
Oh...

Jerry:
[appearing] Sorry. Routine light-switch check.

Troy:
I thought that would work.

Jeff:
Yeah, we're all floored it didn't.

Abed:
But, Jeff, it's a graduation gift. You see, on the surface we seem like just a group of people from diverse backgrounds who have become unlikely friends. But according to my research, our paths have crossed many times. We were destined to meet, like a team of superheroes. This is our origin story.

Jeff:
And here we go. Abed, we don't have origin stories. We have lives. Well, at least... [looks around the table] Yep, just me.

Abed:
I was looking for you.

Chang:
What? I...

Abed:
We discovered you're the reason we all went to Greendale. You linked all our stories, like how the Cosmic Cube assembled the Avengers. That, and the four billion dollar deal with Disney. Turns out you were always one of us. So I came to see if you wanted to get some frozen yogurt.

Chang:
Really? That's... That's all I ever wanted. But it's too late.

Abed:
Here's another thing I realised. Because of you, we got to reinvent ourselves at Greendale. Everyone should have the same chance, don't you think, Chang?

Chang:
It's not Chang. It's Kevin. [Abed just looks at him] How long have you known?

Abed:
Known what? Only you know who you really are. Also, you may have experimental monkey fever. You coming?

Chang:
[pauses] Yeah.

Shirley:
Congratulations, Jeffrey. You worked hard not to work hard to earn that degree.

Jeff:
Three and a half years ago, when I came to Greendale, I met six very important people.

Dean:
Ooh, burn on Britta.

Jeff:
Sorry, seven. And meeting these people changed my life. Yep. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.

[the other group members just laugh]

Troy:
Yeah, okay.

Abed:
Whatever.

Jeff:
I'm so used to being the guy who can talk his way out of anything, but what do you say when you don't want a way out? What you have all done for me is indescribable. It's unbelievable. And my love for you is immeasurable, even when you split it seven ways.