Community, Season 6

Britta:
Shirley went to look after her dad in Atlanta and ended up taking a job as a personal chef to a brilliant but troubled southern detective. I told her I'd manage her sandwich shop where she's gone.

Jeff:
Oh, that's very generous of you. I have a friend in town, every time you're gonna need help with that.

Annie:
She'll be back.

Chang:
Like Troy? Are any of you white people noticing what's happening to this group? Do Abed and I need to be concerned?

Jeff:
You have my word, as leader of the white people there's no cause for alarm.

Dean:
[walks in with Frankie] Say hello to new Shirley!

Abed:
My umbrella concern is that you, as a character, represent the end of what I used to call our show. Which was once an unlikely family of misfit students, is now a pretty loose knit group of students and teachers. None of whom are taking a class together in a school which, as of your arrival is coming increasingly grounded asking questions like, how do any of us get our money? When will we get our degrees, and what happened to that girl I was dating? As opposed to questions I consider more important like, what is real? What is sanity? Is there a god? Where's that Pierce hologram? Jeff said last year he saw a Pierce hologram. None of the rest of us have ever seen it. So, if there's a Pierce ghost on campus, I'd like to get a head start on busting it.

Frankie Dart:
All right. This is the first I've heard that I'm a character on a show. I'm excited to be one, but I agree, I'll be a boring one. Quirks are not my strong suit, results are. I love quirky people. I come from a big family of people who are literally insane. I moved down here to take care of one of them. But I myself am exceptionally boring, and I am quite proud to be that way, because it allows me to help the less boring people turn quirks into results.

Abed:
That's the most interesting take on not being interesting that I've ever heard.

Dean:
Guess what I just purchased for the school from a local manufacturer? Greendale's first virtual reality operating system.

Frankie:
Did Greendale need a virtual reality system?

Dean:
Uh, like a hole in the head.

Frankie:
A hole in the head is something you don't need.

Dean:
She said through a huge hole in her head.

Jeff:
I can copy a file by holding my finger down on a phone.

Elroy Patashnik:
Well, so can a monkey. Now, you're describing a system for animals. Terrestrial slobs bound to the earth by their meaty feet. I designed a system for gods.

Abed:
The brotherhood of AV exists beyond your petty factionalism. We serve only video, the one true queen, and her faithful consort audio.

Chang:
Can you guys be bigger nerds?

Abed:
No, most of us have achieved our maximum potential.

Annie:
I know you agree with me that we need to find the truth, but do you agree that the truth won't be horrible?

Frankie:
I'm not psychic Annie. That's an illusion caused by extreme preparedness.

Annie:
But what do you hope is true?

Frankie:
Oh God no, I never hope. Hope is pouting in advance. Hope is faith's richer, bitchier sister. Hope is the deformed attic-bound incest monster offspring of entitlement and fear. My life results tripled the year I gave up hope and every game on my phone that had anything to do with farming. What's true will be true Annie. Our job is to deal with that truth.

Elroy:
Kid, animals have been murdering each other for 3 billion years. Birds have had their 15 million in the spotlight. The same as lizards and plants and they all just use it to murder, eat, screw and not invent Wi-Fi. Now we may end up saving this world, or blowing it to hell or making a new one. But we can’t do any of it while scheduling our evolution around the needs of the least lucky birds.

Abed:
What are you, a demon? Did Clive Barker write you?

Elroy:
Anyone who finds that nest, will come to the same decision. And you don't have to get mean.

Abed:
Mean? You just did a baby bird murder monologue.

[Chang and Annie are on stage rehearsing a stage adaption of The Karate Kid]

Chang:
Show me wax on.

Matt Lundergard:
[whispers in Chang's ear] This is the worst acting I've ever seen in my life.

Chang:
Show me wax off.

Matt:
[whispers in Chang's ear] The ghost of your father just turned his back on you. Your ancestors are clawing their way deeper into the Earth to get away from you, you make me embarrassed to have thumbs, I can see air quotes around you.

Chang:
Show me paint fence.

Matt:
Knock, knock, knock, anybody home? Oh look, there's nobody here. Oh it's so dusty, it's almost like nobody's been here in years. There's a note: "Never let me act."

Annie:
Mr. Lundergard, I'm sorry, but I cannot stand by while you do this.

Matt:
That's fine, you can go.

Annie:
I'm not bluffing. You can't make an actor more talented by yelling at them. And if you don't stop, your lead character is going to walk.

Matt:
Lead? You play Danny LaRusso.

Annie:
Well, I'm the Karate Kid.

Matt:
The Karate Kid is about Kesuke Miyagi, an immigrant who fought against his own people in World War II, while his wife lost a child in an internment camp. Noriyuki Morita was nominated for an Academy Award for his performance. Ralph Macchio? Showed up. I cast you because your measurements allow me to use the same wardrobe as last year. I cast Ben because he has the sadness and talent that could make this show great. If I have to physically drill into his chest and suck it out with a straw! So you can take a flying kick and a rolling donut! You're fired!

Jeff:
Why did Frankie call us here?

Dean:
I don't know. Some financial prospect that could put the school in the black. Which always confuses me, because black means bad. When it's a cat or banana or a shirt that makes you think you've lost more weight than you have.

Chang:
Nice save. Sorry about that, man.

Elroy:
Hm? What? Did someone use the word "black" and now you want me to give you the all-clear? Please tell me that won't be my role in this group. I have a brain the size of Jupiter. I'm nobody's fourth Ghostbuster.

Dean:
No, I promise, this group does not think that way. In fact, before you got here, they had two—

Jeff:
No.

Dean:
They had to often step back and remind themselves that they weren't one collective ray of light.

Elroy:
Is this a cult? Are you gonna eat me?

Britta:
No, we're fine, I lived in New York.

Jeff:
Everyone's so charmed by him because he's a violent criminal. But he's also a petty sociopath, and the more I try to point that out, the pettier I look.

Britta:
Weren't you the one that championed this program? Shouldn't have worn that petard if you didn't want to be hoisted by it.

Jeff:
What do you think the expression "hoisted by your own petard" is referencing?

Britta:
I guess I just assume that in the old days a petard was a special outfit like a leotard with a lot of fancy buckles and loops on it. And that rich people would wear them when they were feeling especially smug. But then poor people could tie a rope to one of the loops and hoist them up a pole and then let them dangle there as punishment for being cocky.

Jeff:
Never look it up. Your explanation is way better. But also the next time a friend comes by with their problems, maybe lay off the "I told you so"s.

Britta:
Jeff, we're having a Britta party here. Could you be a little bit less of a buzz kill?

Britta:
For God sakes, we're freaking Americans. We're talking about freedom of speech! It's the amendment so important it's literally the first one they remembered to add!

Elroy:
For white people.

Frankie:
With penises.

Jeff:
We prefer to be called "people without color or vaginas".

Chang:
What's the lesson here? I always wanna make sure I know what the lesson is. I'm a completist.

Britta:
The rest of the school's in shambles, so maybe we're more evolved and forgiving than them.

Chang:
We already know that, stupid.

Jeff:
I feel more desensitized to jokes about Jews and blacks. Is that good?

Annie:
Say what?

Abed:
We know the pieces of our privacy, freedom of speech, terrorism, and government. So, the lesson is probably an ironic pairing, like one man's privacy is another man's freedom.

Britta:
Government is terrorism.

Elroy:
The only free speech is private speech.

Frankie:
A free government terrorizes privacy. That's all four, bitches.

Annie:
Terror is terrorized by...

Jeff:
Terry the terrorist?

Chang:
Tarry not, for terrorism terrifies.

Abed:
I haven't exactly been a whirlwind of entertainment since Troy left.

Annie:
That's not true.

Abed:
It's not just me, you guys have been boring too.

Frankie:
Okay. I just gotta ask. What was so special about this Troy person? Did he own a rainbow? Was he the group's pharmacist?

Britta:
We don't like to talk about it.

Frankie:
But you often do. I'm a problem solver give me information.

Jeff:
I'll handle this. Troy was very gifted at steel drums.

Frankie:
Steel drums. Interesting. Well, this has been a great meeting. I'm off. [leaves the room]

Jeff:
That won't pay off immediately, but it's gonna pay off.

Elroy:
[Enters the bar and sees Britta] Oh man. You people are everywhere. I was looking for a place to hide.

Britta:
Don't worry, I'm not gonna bother you.

Elroy:
Okay then, give me a gin and tonic. Your friend Jeff booked "Natalie is Freezing" for the dance.

Britta:
What? Tonight? We gotta go! Why aren't you excited?

Elroy:
I used to date her.

Britta:
Natalie?

Elroy:
Her name is Julie. Why would the band's name be her name? She's an artist.

Britta:
We've listened to them together. You never said anything about this.

Elroy:
She messed me up, she messed me up pretty good. Here's to forgetting.

Britta:
Not gonna toast to that.

Elroy:
Well, then forget you too.

Britta:
Give me a break, that's the whole problem. Everybody's in such a rush to protect themselves from each other. Sure, yes, you gotta defend your castle, but you also gotta... what's that thing that castles have?

Elroy:
Walls.

Britta:
Come on.

Elroy:
A moat.

Britta:
It goes over the moat, goes over the moat.

Elroy:
Enemy knights, cavalry... arrows?

Britta:
No, come on. Stop it. It goes like this. [makes lifting drawbridge motion with her arms]

Elroy:
Alligators?

Britta:
No, it's one thing. It's mechanical.

Elroy:
One mechanical alligator?

Britta:
Are you screwing with me?

Elroy:
I don't even know what the hell you're talking about!

Britta:
It's one mechanical thing! It goes over the moat! It goes like this!

Elroy:
A catapult!

Britta:
Aah!

Elroy:
Oh, Jesus!

Abed:
The film's hero is Police Justice. I had a real life former cop help me with the dialogue.

Chang:
[in the film] I'm gonna punch you in the heart.

Abed:
Real life former cops aren't great with dialogue.

Britta:
I don't think police should be heroes.

Annie:
Britta, pay your rent.

Jeff:
I finally know in my heart, that I will literally be the last one of us here. And I know, they gave digital muscles to Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy. I watched Parks and Rec. I watched it. There's no scientific explanation for...

Abed:
Hm, Jeff. You helped me learn something about film making today that I think we all need to apply to life. It's okay to plan some stuff, and it's okay to figure out what we did wrong. But our plans are randomly gonna fall apart and our lessons are randomly gonna be wrong, and if we just keep the cameras rolling and shoot a lot of crap eventually Annie is going to reach down her shirt and pull out a laser bomb. I didn't write that, we didn't plan that. God made that happen. God made this movie, and it's dumb. And we're dumb for being in it. Life is a big, dumb, pointless movie with no story and an abrupt ending where the hero gets shot by Dracula in the middle of a lunch order during an outtake. But somewhere in there, every once in a while.

Jeff:
Annie reaches down her shirt.

Abed:
So we keep the cameras rolling, and we edit out the parts we don't like, and we stop thinking about Chris Pratt so much, because it is not healthy.

Abed:
Jeff you haven't even looked at the new course catalog! I'm like a kid in the candy store.

Jeff:
Yeah, the candy has kind of lost it's appeal now that I work at the store. You might say becoming a teacher here gave me diabetes.

Chang:
I was just saying that! Are you always thirsty, fatigued, and you have blurry vision and your cuts heal slower?

Elroy:
Those are actual diabetes symptoms.

Chang:
That's what the doctor said!

Frankie:
So is he treating it?

Chang:
I asked him the same thing!

Frankie:
What did he say?

Chang:
He said make an appointment through his office during business hours, this is his home, his children sleep here, you know doctors.

Professor Roger DeSalvo:
Okay, so like a string is a sweater. Like paint is the Sistine Chapel. Sure, grifting includes lying, but only a liar would call grifting lying.

Jeff:
I'm sick of it! It's a show. It's not a show. It's your show. It's my show. It's a good show. It's a bad show. I'm sick of it. I don't want to hear the word "show" again.

Annie:
So now it's a show about... this?

Jeff:
Your right, that's way worse. Abed come back!

Frankie:
No, we're not spending the night here. So what's the second option? (Which I'm nicknaming "Little Course of Action").

Elroy:
I rewire the second battery to engine and hope it can start it. If it doesn't, we're spending a very cold night with two dead batteries.

Frankie:
Okay, let's switch the batteries then. Good democracy.

Jeff:
Do I use echolocation to navigate?

Elroy:
Why would you ask that after learning you're not a bat?

Abed:
DJ might be the guy from MeowMeowBeenz.

Jeff:
We need clean intelligence, Abed. No references, no call backs.

Jeff:
[to the camera] You don't need perfect people to make a perfect team. You need people whose flaws feed into each other. It's, uh - what do you call it - umm...

Frankie:
Codependence.

Jeff:
Synergy. For instance, there might be something Britta hates doing but Annie loves doing. Or there might be something that Annie hates doing but she does it anyways because what she really loves is to feel useful.

Frankie:
You literally just defined "codependence".

Jeff:
Here's to synergy. [Raises his hand. Annie immediately places a glass of alcohol in it]

Frankie:
Annie, the world will still need you after you finish that cake.

Annie:
Am I that bad?

Frankie:
We have the same dragon. Eventually you will slay it, or train it, or dissolve in its stomach. Its name is "helping others."

Annie:
If I train it, can I give it a cooler name?

Frankie:
If you train it, you can do anything you want. If you slay it, I don't know, I guess you get a new dragon named "yourself", and then you'll be Jeff Winger.

Elroy:
[after discovering that Garrett and his wife are related] Now, this is a man that knows how to marry his cousin!

Abed:
TV defeats its own purpose when it's pushing an agenda, or trying to defeat other TV or being proud or ashamed of itself for existing. It's TV, it's comfort. It's a friend you've known so well, and for so long you just let it be with you, and it needs to be okay for it to have a bad day or phone in a day. And it needs to be okay for it to get on a boat with Levar Burton and never come back. Because eventually, it all will.

Annie:
You're gonna be fine, you know?

Jeff:
I don't want to be fine. I want to be 25 and heading out into the world. I want to fall asleep on a beach and be able to walk the next day, or stay up all night on accident. I want to wear a white t-shirt without looking like I forgot to get dressed. I want to be terrified of AIDS. I want to have an opinion about those... boring ass Marvel movies, and I want those opinions to be of any concern to the people making them.

Annie:
Well, I want to live in the same home for more than a year. Order wine without feeling nervous. Have a resume full of crazy mistakes instead of crazy lies. I want stories and wisdom, perspective. I want to have so much behind me, I'm not a slave to what's in front of me. Especially these... flavorless, unremarkable Marvel movies.

Jeff:
They are so not a big deal!

Annie:
I know!

Jeff:
It's just all there is!

Annie:
Yes! And you get to say that. I could screw myself if I say it. There's pressures on me you don't have to live under... if you accept that you're older, and let the kid stuff go.

Jeff:
I let you go Annie. In my hands, in my head. The heart... which cynics say is code for penis... wants what it wants. But I let you go.

Annie:
[checks her phone] The others are coming. I think you should kiss me goodbye, or you might regret it for the rest of your life.

Jeff:
What about you?

Annie:
Well, I'll regret the kiss for a week. I'm in my twenties, who cares?

[Annie and Jeff kiss]

Abed:
Cool, cool, cool. Cool [Chang farts loudly], cool, cool.

Chang:
I farted on the fourth one. It's an inside joke.