Count Duckula, Season 1

Duckula:
I haven't paid the electricity bill from the last time you brought me back to life.

(Duckula is strapped to a sacrificial altar and is faced by two Egyptian high priests)

Duckula:
Oh... where am I?

Hoomite:
You are in the secret temple of the great god Ra. You have trespassed in Upshi's sacred tomb.

Duckula:
Oh... Oh no. Who are you?

Hoomite:
I am Hoomite, high priest of the great god Ra, and this is my assistant Yubie.

Yubie:
Delighted, I'm sure.

Duckula:
Hello.

Hoomite:
Who might you be?

Duckula:
Yes, I got that.

Hoomite:
No, who might you be?

Duckula:
I know, I know, you said that already.

Hoomite:
So, you will not tell me?

Duckula:
Well, I hardly need to, do I?

Hoomite:
We shall see about that. Yubie, you try.

Yubie:
Oh very well, Master. [turns to Duckula] Listen... I am Yubie, right?

Duckula:
No, wrong! I am, you ARE.

Yubie:
Ah! There, Master. He is Yewar.

Hoomite:
So you are Yewar?

Duckula:
I am not, I am not!

Hoomite:
Ah, you are Nott! He is not Yewar, he is Nott!

Yubie:
You are, Yewar?

Duckula:
I am NOT Yewar!

Yubie:
Oh, call me Nott, Yewar! I am not Yewar, I am not Nott, I am Yubie.

Duckula:
[frustrated] Ahem... Look, let us get this sorted out, okay? I am NOT Nott, okay?.

Both:
Okay.

Duckula:
I am NOT Yewar, okay?

Both:
Okay.

Duckula:
But you are Hoomite, and you are Yubie, okay?

Both:
Okay.

Duckula:
Whew...

Hoomite:
But-

Duckula:
Yes?

Hoomite:
Who might you be? [Duckula breaks down into crazed sobbing]

[Igor enters the room carried by a wave of water, holding a tray with a goblet]

Igor:
Good morning, sir.

Duckula:
And what's good about it, Igor?

Igor:
Oh, it's so ghoulishly gloomy, sir. Everything's so dismally dreary. Even the manacles in the dungeon are rusting nicely, me lord.

Duckula:
(notices the goblet) Ah, carrot juice! Ha-hey! Just the thing! (takes a gulp, but instantly groans in disgust) That's not carrot juice!

Igor:
No, sir. It's a 1963 Yugoslavian Rh negative.

Duckula:
Oh, well that's all- AAH! (leaps about, frantically gulping down water from a bucket and quacking wildly)

Igor:
(chuckles) Yes, it is a little heady, but a very good year.

Juan Jose etc...:
Seize them! Bind them, jab them, prod them, and be generally unpleasant to them! And one last thing!'

Duckula/Igor/Nanny:
Yes?

Juan Jose etc...:
(sweetly) Do you really like-a my boots?

Don Diego:
Just because I'm tall and handsome and brave and good and kind and wonderful... I-I-I- have happen to chop up one or two of the villagers into tiny little bits now and again... they dislike me! Ha ha, ha ha... Well, except for the really fat ones. I'm saving them for tonight.

Duckula:
Tonight?

Don Diego:
Tonight is a fiesta for all the vampires from all over Spain! There'll be music, and a finger buffet with the real fingers. (evilly) Then - then - we chop up a whole village, then there is bingo to follow!

Duckula:
Stop this! Stop this! Stop it, Don Diego! No! I cannot let you do this!

Don Diego:
Oh, you don't like bingo? Ok, we play something else. You choose.

Duckula:
Well, I wouldn't mind playing... - no listen! I mean, you cannot chop up a whole village! It's not right! I will do anything to stop you.

Don Diego:
Anything?

Duckula:
Anything.

Don Diego:
Ahahaha!!! Then tonight, you will fight the horrible bull in all of Spain - El Loco!

Duckula:
OK, listen - if I fight El Loco, will you let the villagers go?

Don Diego:
I will...I will let bits of them go.

Duckula:
Let ALL of them go, or no fight!

Don Diego:
I can't even keep the noses?

Duckula:
No, no noses!

Don Diego:
OK. But remember - El Loco is the most nastiest thing on four legs. He'll ripped up your body, and there'll be bits of you you didn't even know you had. Aha!! Ahahaha!

Duckula:
Ha! I'm not afraid of you, Don Diego! OR El Loco! 'Til tonight then! (Don Diego flits off)

Duckula:
AAAAGH! AAGH! Nanny, Nanny, I'm gonna die!!

Don Diego:
Ah, what a wonderful night. On night like tonight, I can burn down half of Spain!"

Duckula:
Hmmm this mirror's filthy. I must tell Igor the clean it! Look at me! Sunken eyes... and that flabby stomach - yuk! And, as for the face... Boy, I need a break!

Evil Duckula:
Forgive me for pointing that obvious. But you do know that vampires have no reflections.

Duckula:
Of course we don't! Anyone knows that...

Evil Duckula:
Mmmmm! What a beautiful throat you have! It blands so neatly into your neck! I want a neck just the right size for my teeth!

Duckula:
Aaaaaaaaaghh! Help!

Dr. Von Goosewing's Monster:
Und I woke up wiz ziss terrible headache and...

Duckula:
Heeeeelp!

Evil Duckula:
Somebody, stop that neck! It's getting away!

Dr. Von Goosewing:
Come my little one. Come to Papa!

Dimitri:
(the clock bats emerge for a daily dose of humour) Hey, Svistoslav, that reminds me... What's the difference between a Yak and a Bison?

Svistoslav:
I don't know, Dimitri. Tell me, what is the difference between a Yak and a Bison?

Dimitri:
You can't wash your hands and face in a Yak! (goes back into the clock laughing to himself)

Svistoslav:
(returning inside the clock) But you can't wash your hands and face in a Bison, either...

Nanny:
Ooh, can we keep him? It'll be a nice bit of company for Towser.

Duckula:
Towser??

Nanny:
Our werewolf!

Duckula:
Igor ... do we have a werewolf?

Igor:
Oh no, sir.

Duckula:
Then why would we want to waste time chasing after werewolves to keep a werewolf that we don't have company?!

Nanny:
It's Nanny, Master Duckular, with your hot cocoa and chocky biccies!

Duckula:
Oh, good! Come in, Nanny! [Nanny crashes through the wall] Nanny, why can't you come through the door like everyone else?!

Nanny:
Ooh, the door! Oh, I've forgotten all about it. Hang on! [exits through the hole]

Igor:
I'm very sorry, milord.

Duckula:
I might've been killed!

Igor:
I know, sir.

Duckula:
And I haven't paid the electricity bill from the last time you brought me back to life.

Igor:
Yes, sir, I-- [Nanny knocks on the door]

Duckula:
Ah! Got it right this time. Come in! [Nanny crashes through the door] Nanny, now look what you've done!

Nanny:
Oh, Duckyboos! You said to comes through the door!

Duckula:
I give up, I just give up.

Nanny:
Very good, Milord.

Dr. Fexactely:
[starting the rollercoaster] Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman, this is your super-captain speaking; welcome to rollercoaster number one for our little trip. Our cruising altitude is a mystery to me, our speed will be quite fast, and our destination is none of your business!

Dr. Fexactely:
[in the vegetable era] Oh it's about 4008. If my memory serves me right, an artichoke has just been made President of the United States of America, and two turnips have just landed on Venus.

Count Duckula:
Coo, just think, a turnip on Venus. Well that's a small step for a vegetable, but a giant leap for an Irish stew.

Von Goosewing:
How do you like your stake?

Duckula:
Steak?Steak?I thought I told you I was a vegetarian! I don't believe it.I might have known.Goosewing!

Count Duckula:
I suppose we're lucky to have found this ship so quickly.

Igor:
Mm, quite so, sir, but I-, I must say I don't like the look of the crew.

Count Duckula:
I don't like the smell of them either; I bet they've never heard of soap.

Captain Penguin:
'Course I've heard of soap, I eats a bar a week whether I needs it or not, ha-harr!

Count Duckula:
Here, Igor, I don't know how you could just lose a castle.

Igor:
Me, sir? I hardly think I'm to blame. You were the one -

Count Duckula:
All right, all right, I must have said it wrong. But you must have left off the safety hatch.

Igor:
Me, sir? Oh no, sir, I was doing something dastardly with sulphur in the cellar. It was probably Nanny at the -

Count Duckula:
Oh, yes, it's very easy to blame poor Nanny.

Igor:
Actually, sir it is very easy to blame Nanny.

Count Duckula:
Well, let's do that, then.

Count Duckula, Igor:
Nanny!

Nanny:
[breaks out from under the deck] Ooh, I'll be glad to get back to our nice kitchen at home. How can you make a cup of tea in a silly little kitchen like that?

Count Duckula:
Well, Nanny, if you hadn't lost the castle -

Nanny:
Me, lost the castle?

Igor:
You see, she admits it.

Igor:
How a vampire duck of your breeding can believe in that Loch Ness Monster story.

Count Duckula:
I'm not gonna look, I'm not gonna look.

Nanny:
First he wants me to hit him with a golf club and now he's nodding the caber. He must be going soft in the 'ead!

Rory McDuckla:
Where are ye frae?

Count Duckula:
I knew you’d made a wrong turning Igor! We’re in Siberia!

Count Duckula:
Rory! Vampire? Igor! This isn't the Glen Sparrows Hotel. Come on, Let's get outta here to the Trailer.

Rory McDuckla:
Oh great! I'd love a wee photy of mysel'!

Rory McDuckla:
Ah well, close the wall behind you when you go out!

Igor:
You were anxious to visit it I believe.

Count Duckula:
Yes but not DROWN in it! Igor do something!

Loch Ness Monster #1:
Oh look! I’ve seen one! A vampire duck!

Loch Ness Monster #2:
Don’t be silly. It’s a figment of your imagination.

Igor:
I don't know how much more of his total lack of evildoing I can take. For instance, do you know what I found the young master doing yesterday afternoon?

Nanny:
No. What?

Igor:
[indignantly pointing to the room downstairs] He was using the bone crusher in the torture chamber...

Nanny:
Never!

Igor:
... to press flowers!

Nanny:
Oh, bless 'im.

Igor:
Shall I order a new front door milord?

Count Duckula:
Excellent idea Igor. (CRUNCH) Excellent idea.

Duckula:
Nanny... You're a ninny, Nanny!

Von Goosewing:
What is this? What is going on around here? You two know each other? You know Igor?

Igor :
He should do. I have been his family's employer for the last 800 years. Give or take a decade or two.

Von Goosewing:
I mean, he? You? He is? You are Duckula?

Duckula:
Oh, what's the use? Yes, I am Count Duckula!

Von Goosewing:
You fiend! You monster! You, you, you, owwwwwww!!!!!! (stabs Nanny with his stake)

Nanny:
Oh, there you are, you bad boy! (referring to Goosewing) Who's your little friend then, eh?

Von Goosewing:
Look, look what have you done to mein stake. You haven't heard the last of this, you monster!

Duckula:
No, I'm sure I haven't.

Von Goosewing:
I shall return.

Duckula:
Yes, yes.

Von Goosewing:
Doctor Von Goosewing, greatest vampire hunter in the world, will be back!!!! (Goosewing then falls off the cliff)

Count Duckula:
Grateful nothing! We need another portrait in here like this castle needs more cobwebs!

Count Duckula:
Oh Great!

Count Duckula:
I might have been killed!

Count Duckula:
Goosewing,I... Er... I mean... I mean get out!

Count Duckula:
Wow, wowee, wow!

Count Duckula:
I'm gonna be rich! And famous!

Count Duckula:
Igor, you're going over the top,again!

Count Duckula:
I don't believe it.I might have known.Goosewing!

Count Duckula:
Nanny... You're a ninny, nanny!

Nanny:
Cooey! Duckyboos!

Nanny:
Oooh, I can see I'm going to have to teach you some manners!

Nanny:
You be a brave soldier.

Nanny:
Ooh dear, now how did THAT happen?

Nanny:
Oooh, now then!

Nanny:
I'll smack your legs!

Nanny:
Straight off to bed and no supper for you!

Nanny:
Have you got a clean vest on?

Nanny:
Ooh, you have got it on you today!

Nanny:
Mr Igor,what have you done to my Duckyboos?

Igor:
Oh, oh no, what's happening?

Igor:
Really Milord, do you think this is wise?

Igor:
Yes Milord, very good Milord.

Igor:
Too late again,Dr Von Goosewing.

Igor:
That's true,sir.But then there's no reflection of you either.

Dr. Von Goosewing:
Chee!! Now, voss izz happening?

Dr. Von Goosewing:
Duckula, you fiend!

Dr. Von Goosewing:
Duckula! Your days are numbered! Soon, you monster, you will be no more!

Dr. Von Goosewing:
Doctor Von Goosewing, greatest wampire hunter in ze vorld!

Dr. Von Goosewing:
You ain't heard the last of this,you monster!

Dr. Von Goosewing:
Prepare to breathe your last,you fiend!

Narrator:
[Opening narration] Castle Duckula, home for many centuries to a dreadful dynasty of vicious vampire ducks: The Counts of Duckula! Legend has it that these foul beings can be destroyed by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight. This does not suffice, however, for they may be brought back to life—by means of a secret rite that can be performed once a century when the moon is in the Eighth House of Aquarius! The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan...

Narrator:
Good night out there! Whatever you are!!

Narrator:
Have we witnessed the fall of the house of Duckula? Or is it an improvement on the old place?

Von Goosewing:
I've done it! Doctor Von Goosewing,greatest wampire hunter in the vold has done it.Haha! Duckula is no more!Haaaahhha!

Goosewing:
Ha,Duckula,prepare to breathe your last.

Igor:
I don't like it,Milord. Remember what happened to your great grandfather when confronted with just such a camera.

'Goosewing :
I want to suck your blood,Heinreich!!!! Haaaaha!!!!!!

Goosewing:
This is your last and final end,Duckula,you monster.