Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1

Larry David:
I know my sources. Sophia Loren was once a source.

Larry:
[regarding his "bunch-up"] Is it a bad thing? Maybe it's not such a bad thing.

Cheryl:
Oh, 'cause you want people to think you constantly have an erection?

Richard:
[regarding his girlfriend] She reads Wiesel and a lot of things.

Larry:
She reads Wiesel?

Richard:
That's right. Not everyone's a moron I go out with.

Larry:
You know what she should be reading? Emily f***ing Post!

[Larry, unaware he is on speakerphone, is asked if he wants to play golf]

Larry:
I dunno, I'll have to ask Hitler. (Cheryl)

Richard:
You better call me later on, by sundown.

Larry:
"By sundown"? What are you, Gary Cooper?

Larry:
It's always great to see a black entrepreneur, isn't it?

Jeff's Mom:
What?

Jeff's Dad:
What did he just say? What is that supposed to mean?

Larry:
Everything is "heaven" with [Ted]. The piece of gum he had; "Oh this is heaven!" Had a taste of a chocolate bar; "I'm in heaven." A parking space is "heaven." It's all "heaven."

Salesperson:
I am not a shoe whore!

Salesperson:
It's people like you that are the problem.

Larry:
No, I'm the solution! I'm the solution to the problem!

Larry:
I'd like to return this, please.

Sales woman:
What seems to be the problem?

Larry:
You know, it's kinda of half-jacket, half-shirt; half-man, half-beast.

Larry:
Maybe we can stop by the store and pick up some Tabasco.

Brian:
Should you be going to the party with your back or, er, can you bend over? Can you bend with your back?

Larry:
Yeah.

Brian:
Well then maybe you should just bend over and kiss my ass and maybe next time you'll remember to pick up my f***ing golf ball.

Richard:
I can't believe you won't help out a blind man.

Larry:
I can't believe you said "blind man" in front of a blind man!

Parking Attendant:
"The bald guy with the glasses." That's you?

Larry:
Unfortunately, that's me.

Parking Attendant:
Hey, it's a good look.

Jeff:
If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro's not a good maniac.

Larry:
You try to do something nice, see what happens?

Jeff:
You get screwed.

Larry:
You do one nice thing in your life. I assume it's the first nice thing you've ever done in your life.

Jeff:
You're so complimentary.

Larry:
It would put you one up on me, if that's the case. Although, I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out "Watch out!" and she said "Don't you tell me what to do!"

Jeff:
And that's all it took to for you to stop helping people?

Larry:
I got out of the "nice" business at that point.

Larry:
And who knows, you know what? Maybe I'll be able to need a lawyer someday.

Cheryl:
Anything could happen.

Larry:
A lot of people sue me.

Larry:
What's the guy, 40 years old? He's got to meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus! What kind of person is that?!

Cheryl:
He's a fan.

Larry:
What does he expect to gain from such a meeting? What does he think? He's gonna go over there, she's gonna be so charmed by him that all of a sudden they'll start becoming friends? They'll talk on the phone and go out to dinner together, go to the movies? What, start e-mailing each other? Summer vacations? Is he out of his f***ing mind?!

Phyllis:
Tell me about Jerry Seinfeld and tell me about...he dates those young girls-

Larry:
Well, um, he's a eunuch. Yes. His testicles were cut off when he was about 13 because he was in the Beth Shalom choir. And, um, that's what he wanted to be, he was a choirboy.

Phyllis:
Julia, is that true? Does he really have no testicles?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus:
You know, I've got to tell you, I don't have any f***ing idea.

Cheryl:
I guess Julia will have to come back over. You'll just have to arrange another meeting.

Larry:
Are you out of your mind now?

Julie:
[referring to Larry's movie "Sour Grapes"] I enjoyed it. It was interesting. It was such a perfect length.

Larry:
That's my specialty, length.

Julie:
Well, I thought it was a good length

Larry:
The width, what about the width? There's some good width in that movie.

Hobo:
Got any spare change?

Jeff:
Nah, I got nothing, man.

Larry:
[hands him some leftovers] Want this?

Hobo:
What is it?

Larry:
It's tuna.

Hobo:
I don't like tuna.

Larry:
What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?

Larry:
[after the dinner party] Hey, when's the next meeting of the Young Republicans club?

Cheryl:
[referring to the caterer who stole their food] You know, this is very unprofessional if you ask me.

Larry:
It's completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career's been based on being unprofessional.

Caterer:
[regarding the leftovers] Uhm, I'm really not sure that everything survived the trip here, so..

Larry:
"Survived the trip here"? Where did you come from? The Sudan?

Jeff:
How did she die?

Larry:
Killed herself.

Jeff:
No, she didn't.

Larry:
Killed herself.

Jeff:
Why?

Larry:
Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note. That is so rude, isn't it?

Jeff:
That's really rude.

Larry:
I mean, if you leave your house for ten minutes to go get a container of milk, you tell somebody where you went.

Jeff:
I let my wife know before I go anywhere.

Larry:
Yeah. Would it have killed her to leave a note?

Cheryl's Dad:
But we have to continue.

Relative:
We must go on.

Larry:
Must go on! Can't go on! Must go on!

Larry:
[stuffing fruit in his mouth] How many do you think I can get in my mouth at a time?

[Larry walks in on Cheryl's family after they finished reading the obituary. They all glare at him]

Larry:
What?

Cheryl:
"What?" We got a paper, that's what!

Cheryl's Dad:
"Devoted sister, beloved cunt"?! [showing Larry the paper] That's what you put in the paper?!

Larry:
[In shock] This is a typo! It should be "aunt"!

Cheryl:
Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in?

Larry:
They have proofreaders at papers!

Susie:
[after reading the obituary, to Jeff] Do me a favor. When I die, let someone else handle the obit, OK?

Jeff:
You gotta go.

Larry:
What?

Jeff:
You gotta go.

Larry:
The hell are you talking about?

Jeff:
You copped a feel off my mom, you gotta go.

Larry:
Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick!

Jeff:
It's what she thinks. What can I say? Sweet dreams.

Larry:
"Sweet dreams". I'll dream about f***ing your mother. "Sweet dreams."

Jeff:
Do me a favor. Let me take care of the sunglasses.

Larry:
The sunglasses?

Jeff:
Give them to me, let me take care of them.

Larry:
You want me to give a gift now?

Jeff:
You gave it to her.

Larry:
After this "entertaining" evening?

Jeff:
C'mon, you gave it to her.

Larry:
I don't think so. No.

Jeff:
That's called "Indian giving".

Larry:
Yes, I know what it's called. It's a very racist term but I'm okay with that.

Craig:
Hi, Larry!

Larry:
Hey, buddy! Hey, thanks for ratting me out to Becky, really appreciated it.

Craig:
I did not rat you out.

Larry:
You told her everything we talked about. And I told you not to say anything.

Craig:
Well, that's your problem.

Larry:
What a jerk.

Craig:
Oh, I'm a jerk? Is that right? [starts to roll up sleeves]

Larry:
Oh boy, oh boy. What are you going to do beat me up?

Craig:
Maybe I will.

Larry:
Go ahead! Take a shot!

Richard:
Dr. Grambs, this is my friend, Larry David.

Larry:
Hi, how you doing?

Richard:
He's my dermatologist.

Larry:
Really?

Richard:
Yeah, for what, fifteen years already?

Larry:
Even with the whole affirmative action thing?

Larry:
Why don't we just call your doctor?

Cheryl:
You can't call my doctor on the weekends, unless it's a life threatening emergency.

Larry:
What?

Cheryl:
Yeah, if you call his machine, it'll tell you you can't page him.

Larry:
You called up and that's what it said?

Cheryl:
Yeah.

Larry:
That is obscene, you know that? [imitating the doctor] "Can't disturb the doctor on the weekend! Don't call the Dr. Zeppler on the weekend unless it's life-threatening!"

Cheryl:
OK, OK.

Larry:
[imitates the doctor's wife] "Norman, is someone calling? Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!"

Cheryl:
Larry...

Larry:
"This better be life-threatening or you're not gonna leave this house!"

Cheryl:
Larry, please. I'm begging you.

Larry:
"Norman! Unless they were burned in a fire I don't want you getting up from your chair. Do you understand, Norman?"

[after figuring out the navigation system for his car]

Larry:
I can't wait to call my parents. They are gonna be so proud of me! When I tell my father I figured out out that navigation system, he's gonna flip his wig! And he's got one too!

Cheryl:
Can we turn on the radio?

Larry:
Oh, he's gonna be very proud of Larry figuring out the navigation system!

Cheryl:
Please.

Larry:
"Daddy, I'm not so stupid!"

[Larry has been forced to go to an incest survivor group as support for his ex-girlfriend]:

Larry:
My name is Todd, and I'm an incest survivor.

Incest Survivor Group:
Hi, Todd.

Larry:
Hello, I had sex with my uncle when I was 12. He lived in Great Neck, he was a doctor. An osteopath--I don't even know what they do, but I know they're doctors. Something to do with muscles, I think. Neither here nor there.