Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 2

[Larry and Cheryl spot a window with the view of the beach in their new house]

Cheryl:
Oh my God, is that the ocean?

Larry:
Eh, you get used to that in two days.

Barbara:
You know, this morning, you're gonna love this, I saw a whale breach. I've never seen that here before, it's very rare!

Larry:
Can you shoot the whales from the terrace?

Barbara:
What?

Larry:
Because I like to have blubber for breakfast.

Customer:
I heard that these SUVs, that they sometimes roll over rather easily.

Larry:
Roll over? Are you kidding? Look at this thing. Look at it.

[starts rocking the SUV causing the alarm to go off]

Customer:
Jesus Christ.

Dana:
I notice this is a GT and the brochure says there's a model called the GTS. Now what is the difference between the GT and the GTS?

Larry:
OK, the GTS is "guaranteed tremendous safety."

Dana:
So, without the "S," it's just "guaranteed tremendous"?

Larry:
You just cost me a customer!

Richard:
I cost you a customer?! What are you, f***ing Willy Loman?!

Larry:
[to Wanda Sykes] Hey, I'd know that tush anywhere!

Larry:
Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?

Wanda Sykes:
Larry, you are an ass man!

Larry:
I am not an ass man! I don't have an ass fetish! I am not obssessed with asses.

Susie:
[Jeff] thinks I don't know about his porn stash! Take all this crap, he's gonna need it alone in the hotel!

Larry:
He actually told me he doesn't want any of this stuff.

Susie:
"Freak That Booty", "Big Ass Momma", all his favorites. Think I don't know about this crap?

[Larry looks at the cover of "Big Ass Momma"]

Susie:
Oh, you're into this shit, too? You're into that kinky Big Ass Momma crap?

Larry:
No! Are you crazy?

Susie:
I thought you were a family man!

Larry:
No, I thought I recognized that woman from the back.

Larry:
Wrestling's fixed.

Thor's Kid 1:
What do you mean?

Larry:
All the matches are set up beforehand. The winners are all pre-determined. It's completely illegitimate.

Thor's Kid 2:
You mean it's fake?

Larry:
Exactly: Fake. That's exactly the word I'm looking for. Dad's kind of a big fake. You know what he is? He's more of an actor than a wrestler.

Thor's kid 1:
Dad's an actor?

Larry:
That's right. The whole thing's a big phony boloney. Everybody knows that. Nobody thinks it's real. You tell him the bald turd said hello.

Larry:
I'm sorry I was late. I just couldn't decide what to wear.

Larry:
It seems silly to me to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.

Larry:
I think I am just going to get a Cobb Salad. I'd like to make a few substitutions, if that's OK. I'll get... no bacon. No eggs. Blue cheese on the side.

Cliff Cobb:
Are you sure you want a Cobb Salad? Do you do that every time you order that salad?

Larry:
Do you have a problem with it?

Cliff Cobb:
It's my grandfather's salad. I'm a Cobb of Cobb Salad fame.

Larry:
I think that this is a real bullshit story.

Larry:
You know, my grandfather's name was Harold Bingo, and he invented the game "Bingo."

Larry:
(to Shelley Cobb) You know we should have sex sometime.

Walter:
(to Larry) Are you Jewish?

Larry:
You wanna check my penis?

Walter:
(to Larry) You know what you are, you are a self-loathing Jew.

Larry:
Well I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish.

Trick-or-Treaters:
It's Halloween, can we get some candy?

Larry:
Yeah, it's Halloween but that doesn't mean you can go around to people's houses and bilk candy from them.

Larry:
"Bald Asshole"? That's a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.

Police Officer:
I'm bald and I'm not offended.

Larry:
With all due respect, Officer Berg, you are not bald. You've chosen to shave your hair and that's a look you're cultivating in order to look fashionable, but we don't really consider you part of the bald community...with all due respect.

[Larry checks the Chinese take out]

Larry:
This isn't our food.

Cheryl:
Did you check the order before you left?

Larry:
Yeah, I did, but I decided to take the wrong food home. Thank you for inquiring.

Larry:
How were the garlic noodles the other night?

Alan Wasserman:
What?

Larry:
The garlic noodles?

Alan Wasserman:
I didn't touch your garlic noodles.

Larry:
I didn't say you touched my garlic noodles. They were your garlic noodles.

Alan Wasserman:
Right.

Larry:
But you did touch the shrimp.

Larry:
How could you not go in with an ace high? Oh, you cunt, what a cunt!

Larry:
So I'm really happy with my new sneakers. You know, 'cause they're gray. And, if you think about it's a good color, 'cause white is really too bright and black is like a pair of shoes. And gray is kind of like right in the middle. They look good.

Larry:
I'm feeling pretty good. Pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty good.

Larry:
Big family?

John:
Yeah. Five brothers and sisters, you know, Irish.

Larry:
You ever catch your parents having sex?

John:
No...

Larry:
Me either.

John:
Thank you for your time and for donating the lunch. We really appreciate it.

Larry:
Please, whatever you need. I'll donate anything you want. I'll donate it all. My time, my organs. What do you want? You want a kidney? I'll give you a kidney. What else do you need? I've got a terrific penis. I could donate a penis. I've got a good spleen. Excellent spleen. [sings the "Mr. Clean" commercial jingle]:"Mr. Spleen gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute. Mr. Spleen will clean your whole house and everything that's in it, Mr. Spleen."

Larry:
I don't know why you call him an asshole. He's not an asshole, he's just shy.

Cheryl:
No, he's not shy. He thinks he's smarter than ever everbody else and he sits there and he judges and he--

Larry:
No, he doesn't, he's just shy! You got shy/asshole confusion, my friend.

Cheryl:
No, I don't think so.

Larry:
Yes, I think so, my friend.

Larry:
I'm just nice. You have nice/pussy confusion.

Susie:
Stop scratching your balls and tell me where it is! All right, just get me the f***ing [doll] head, all right?! Get me the f***ing head, all right!? Both of you, I've had it! You four-eyed f*** and you fat piece of shit! Get me the head!

Larry:
Excuse me.

Amy:
Yeah?

Larry:
Do you work here?

Amy:
No.

Larry:
How come you told me to, to get rid of the water, then?

Amy:
I saw you coming in with water, there's no water, it's the rules.

Larry:
I don't understand how it's your concern, you don't work here.

Amy:
It's the rules!

Larry:
Rules?

Amy:
The sign says no food or drink in the theater, I'm sure we would all like to have water.

Larry:
Oh yeah, we're all dying of thirst. What are you, the hallway monitor here?

Amy:
Who are you that the rules don't apply?

Larry:
I'm applying the golden rule, are you?

Amy:
I don't think the golden rule applies here.

Larry:
If you had water, would you want me to tell you not to bring it in? I don't think so!

Amy:
How about common courtesy, bud?

Larry:
Oh?

Amy:
A little common courtesy.

Larry:
That doesn't supersede the golden rule! That's the big one.

Jeff:
So, tomorrow night, you guys wanna go to dinner before part two?

Cheryl:
Uhmm...

Larry:
No.

Cheryl:
Well, I do wanna go to part two.

Larry:
No.

Jeff:
You gotta go to part two! You're a part of the ABC Family!

Cheryl:
Yeah, we're definitely going to part two.

Larry:
Yeah, but we're not going to dinner with you though.

Cheryl:
We've already made plans.

Larry:
We don't have any plans, we just don't wanna go to dinner with you.

Larry:
See this thing?

Tara:
Uh-huh.

Larry:
It's called a Swiss Army Knife.

Tara:
Mm-hm.

Larry:
You heard of Switzerland?

Larry:
Um, yeah.

Larry:
It's a country in Europe and they don't like to fight.

Tara:
Huh.

Larry:
They let everybody do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

Larry:
Jesus Christ! My penis is itching!

Jeff:
You know what? You put that doll head down there and who knows what that hair is made out of. You've got a allergic reaction, I'm telling you.

Larry:
Yeah, I think I got some kinda rash. I gotta check out my penis, I have to go to the doctor now? That's going to be a lot of fun; "Where'd you get the rash?" "Oh, I stuck a doll's head down my pants, Doctor. It feels good to me!"

Tara:
Mommy, Mommy, that bald man is in the bathroom and there's something hard in his pants!

Larry:
I'll have a vanilla…one of those vanilla bullshit things. You know, whatever you want, some vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing. Whatever you got.

Larry:
This is very good, by the way. Thank you. Is this a cafe latte? What is that? Milk..

Starbucks Employee:
Milk, uh...

Larry:
Milk and coffee.

Starbucks Employee:
Milk and coffee, yeah.

Larry:
Milk and coffee! Who would've thought? Milk and coffee!

Cheryl:
You know, we need to go now.

Larry:
Oh my God, what a drink! It's milk and coffee mixed together! You've gotta go there! Sit down, have a doughnut! Have a bagel!

Larry:
Grape works as a soda. Sort of as a gum. I wonder why it doesn't work as a pie. Grape pie? There's no grape pie.

Richard Lewis:
OK, ten years ago, I was in Paris.

Larry:
Forget Paris!

Richard Lewis:
OK, well, you stole my outgoing message on my answering machine.

Larry:
What are you crazy?

Richard Lewis:
Listen, I know you're ethicial. I'm ethical. You know when people steal jokes you f***in' hate that? I hate it when people steal my outgoing message. I came up with that message.

Larry:
You don't even know what you're talking about.

Richard Lewis:
You have the same answering machine outgoing message!

Larry:
That's my message!

Richard Lewis:
I wrote it in Paris!

Larry:
You wrote it in Paris?! I wrote it seven years ago!

Richard Lewis:
Bullshit! I came up with it seven and a half years ago!

Larry:
Listen, who are you going to believe? An ex-alcholic? Or a person who's been lucid 24 hours a day his entire life? (Laughing)

Richard Lewis:
Just please change it because it's really bothering me.

Larry:
(Still laughing) What? I'm not.

Richard Lewis:
Listen, people call me and they call you and they say "Oh well Larry David has the same thing on his machine." It's not Larry David's it's mine! I mean I don't have a wife, my parents are dead. You have a family!

Larry:
Oh, oh. He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead.

Richard Lewis:
That's right!

Larry:
(fakes crying) He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead.

Richard Lewis:
Do me a favor and change it.

Larry:
(Continues fake-crying) You're right, I'll change it because you don't have a wife and your parents, your parents they're dead! They would have been 95 but they're dead!

Larry:
Do you think we really needed Alaska and Hawaii? They gotta ruin everything. They ruined the continental United States. Ruined it! We have a beautiful Pacific coast, Atlantic coast, that's the continental United States. You don't need more states. We're not the British Empire. Are they trying to turn us into the British Empire? And what is Puerto Rico, anyway?

Man in Airport:
What's the name on here? Is it yours? No, it's mine, Chris Darga. See, now if this were yours it would say "F***ing Douchebag"!

Thor:
Hey, Jabroni, open the window.

Larry:
I'm awfully sorry.

Thor:
I didn't ask your opinion. I've got three kids in there scared to death because some bald-headed turd is shooting at them.

Larry:
No, sir, we were playing Cowboys and Indians.

Thor:
Have you heard of Columbine? It's idiots like you that cause this whole society to be going crazy with violence.

Larry:
No, I'm not a violent...

Thor:
Shut up! You know what you're looking at? You are looking at 245 pounds of steel and drop-your-bony-butt-to-the-curb appeal. I will body-slam you so hard that you will poop your bald pants. You hear me?

Larry:
Yes, sir.

Thor:
Don't you ever, ever, EVER point another finger at my kids again because if you do, I will break it off, and shove it up your sphincter. You hear me?

Larry:
Yes, sir.

Larry:
Remember earlier today you said that you owed me one?

Jeff:
Yeah, I owe you big.

Larry:
I need to take you up on it.

Jeff:
Wow, okay, what?

Larry:
Like, now, like, quickly.

Jeff:
Right now.

Larry:
Yeah.

Jeff:
What?

Larry:
I actually have a rather bizarre request.

Jeff:
What?

Larry:
I want you to go outside, there's a station wagon out there.

Jeff:
What?

Larry:
I want you to let the air out of somebody's tires. It says "14 THOR" on the license plate. It's a red station wagon, it's in front, you can't miss it.

Jeff:
"14 THOR," but why?

Larry:
You said you owed me one.

Jeff:
All right, yeah, sure.

Larry:
But you have to do it now, hurry up.

Jeff:
All right, you'll be here, right?

Larry:
I'll be here, yeah. Thank you.