Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 4

Doctor:
Now, I don't know if you've ever had stitches before, but there's a slight bit of pain involved. Nothing more than, I would say, a little prick.

Larry:
Um-hm. Yeah, there's definitely a prick involved.

Doctor:
Uh, yes there is a prick involved.

Larry:
Yeah, there's one prick involved.

Doctor:
Yeah, I would say there's one prick involved.

Larry:
I agree. I'm not a doctor, but I agree. There is one prick.

Doctor:
Yep.

Larry:
I feel like an idiot holding this skewer.

Cady Huffman:
Larry David? Why don't you close the door?

Cady Huffman:
We have some time before the show. I'd like to give you your 10th anniversary present.

Susie:
What are you doing?

Larry:
Who invited you? Get the hell out of here!

Susie:
Look at you, You are sick.

Larry:
Where's the other one? I want the other one. Get out!

Susie:
I'm the only one here, baby, and now for the rest of your life you sick four-eyed pervert f***! You're gonna be fantasizing about me in this outfit! (laughing)

[at Sol Funkhouser's dentist office, upset as Sol ruined his sleeve]

Larry:
Oh, great, look he ruined the shirt, look, look at this cuff, and its flopping all over the place, look at that! whats with him?

Nurse:
He's not himself right now, his uncle has Hodgkins.

Larry:
Yeah, but it's the good Hodgkins.

Nurse:
I didn't know there was a good Hodgkins.

Larry:
I'm not saying it's a great Hodgkins, It's a good Hodgkins.

Larry:
Hey Pop, do me a favor?

Nat:
MMM?

Larry:
Next time you use the bathroom, make sure to keep the seat down.

Nat:
What are you pussy-whipped?

Larry:
It's not really about her, It's about me, I pee sitting down.

Marty:
Hey Lar, you ever hear of Denta Friend?

Larry:
Denta Friend? No.

Marty:
It's a new sonic toothbrush that would really get rid of your plaque.

Larry:
What are you talking about, get rid of plaque. I don't have any plaque.

Marty:
My cousin's hygienist told me you have plaque.

Larry:
Your cousin's hygienist told you I have a lot of plaque?

Marty:
What's the big deal? Plaque is not a serious disease.

Larry:
First of all, number one I don't have any plaque...

Russian Man (with Wife/Translator):
(laughing)

Larry:
Number two, she shouldn't be telling you, that's a breach of patient-hygienist confidentiality.

Jeff:
There is no patient-hygienist confidentiality.

Larry:
You're so wrong.

Susie:
It's unethical, not legally like a doctor or a lawyer, but its unethical is what he's saying.

Larry:
It's totally unethical, and I don't have any plaque by the way, do i have an electric toothbrush?

Cheryl:
He has an electric toothbrush.

Larry:
How often do I floss?

Cheryl:
At least twice a day.

Larry (talking to translator):
Tell him I don't have any plaque, okay, did you tell him that?

Marty:
You have plaque.

Larry:
Do you wanna have a plaque contest with me Marty?

Marty:
Let's have a plaque contest.

Larry:
Anytime you want.

Marty:
Anytime you want.

Larry:
Fine, you want to?

Marty:
Challenge me just like you do in golf.

Larry:
...And how about that hygienist. It's like if you go to a prostitute, and the prostitute goes around and tells everybody that you got a small penis. Not that I've ever been to a prostitute... not that I have a small penis.

Larry:
Beautiful day, huh?

Weatherman:
Yeah, great day for golf. Whats up?

Larry:
You know I was supposed to play today.

Weatherman:
Really?

Larry:
Then Jeff called me last night and cancelled because of your weather report about thundershowers.

Sol:
He made a mistake, so what?

Weatherman:
Oh, I said it was gonna be thundershowers?

Larry:
Yep.

Weatherman:
Oops. (laughs).

Weatherman:
Good to see you Larry.

Sol:
Take care.

Larry:
Yeah, oops, too bad for me, too bad for me.

Weatherman:
I don't quite get your point.

Larry:
Alright, weatherman, I'm gonna tell you my point. I've got a sneaking suspicion that you're predicting rain to clear the golf course for yourself.

Sol/Weatherman:
(laughing)

Weatherman:
Oh my god.

Sol:
That's ridiculous.

Larry:
Ridiculous? Ridiculous? It's happened before weatherman you know it. You know what I'm calling the weather people on this.

Weatherman:
Your gonna say report me because its a nice day?

Larry:
I'm gonna report you because everytime you wanna play golf you make sure its raining.

Weatherman:
Larry, first of all I'm not a weatherman, I'm a meteorologist, I'd appreciate a little bit of respect Larry.

Larry:
Oh, excuse me doctor.

Sol:
Okay, can you guys just calm down? We're in the middle of a game of golf here, alright!

Weatherman:
Larry, theres a low pressure system sitting out over the coast, the jet stream brings that into this area, the jet stream is controlled by the rotation of the Earth, you know who controls that? God!

Larry:
You know what? There's a jetstream of bullshit coming out of your mouth my friend, you are busted buddy!

Jeff:
Hey.

Larry (with cane):
Came for my sneaker.

Jeff:
What happened to you?

Larry:
I fell in the toilet.

Jeff:
How did you fall in the toilet?

Larry:
I went to go pee and the seat was up.

Jeff:
What does that have to do with you?

Larry:
I pee sitting down.

Jeff:
You pee sitting down?

Larry:
Yeah, have you ever tried it?

Jeff:
No!

Larry:
It's more comfortable, when you get up during the night you don't have to turn the light on and wake up, and you get to read.

Jeff:
What are you reading?

Larry:
I'm reading a lot of stuff.

Jeff:
What stuff?

Larry:
If I pee twenty times a day, I can get through a whole New York Times for God sake!

Jeff:
Twenty times?

Larry:
Hey buddy, when your peeing all over your shoe, I'm learning something.

Jeff:
What makes you think I'm peeing all over my shoe while your learning something?

Larry:
Hey

Marty:
Hey Lar.

Larry:
Get this, the weatherman is a total fraud, he predicts thundershowers so nobody will show up and he can have the golf course to himself, I just came from there hes playing with your cousin.

Marty:
Why do you pee sitting down?

Larry:
Many reasons.

Marty:
Do you crap standing up?

[Larry calls his dental hygienist after she left him a message to call her]

Larry:
Get together? You and me? Really?

Dalilah the Hygienist:
Am I being too forward? Because...[whispering] when you were at the office, you gave me the tongue sign.

Larry:
Tongue sign? Pshh...I...I was just really trying to get cotton out my mouth. [laughs]

Larry:
So I don't get it, why me?

Dalilah the Hygienist:
I don't know, you remind me of my college history teacher.

Larry:
Was he an avuncular, bald Jew?

[After being interrupted]

Larry:
Hello?

Dalilah the Hygienist:
So...where were we?

[Speaking to Jeff later on]

Larry:
She calls me just out of the blue. Out the blue, it's all set up. It's all set up. For next thursday.

[Larry is heard screaming and is then seen running out of Jeff and Suzie's bathroom in his underwear]

Larry:
The dog bit my penis!

[Cheryl, Jeff and Suzie are all speechless]

Dalilah the Hygienist:
Hello?

Larry:
Hey Dalilah, it's Larry David

Dalilah the Hygienist:
[in a soft voice] Hi, Larry...

Larry:
Hmm, sorry, but...I'm not gonna be able to make it tonight.

Dalilah the Hygienist:
[disappointed] Why not...?

Larry:
A dog bit my penis.

[Dalilah hangs up on him]

Counselor Condon:
Could you state your name sir?

Larry:
Larry David.

Counselor Condon:
Mr. David, I'm Counselor Condon.

Larry:
Counselor Condon, nice to meet you.

Counselor Condon:
Have you ever served on a jury before?

Larry:
No.

Counselor Condon:
Have you ever been the victim of a serious crime?

Larry:
My cousin once stole an Almond Joy from me, It was upsetting at the time but, umm...

Counselor Condon:
I don't think that would be considered a serious crime. Is there any reason you can think of that you'd not be able to decide this case in a fair and impartial manner?

Larry:
I don't know if I could be impartial Mr. Condon, given that the defendant is a negro.

[all look at Larry]

Larry:
Problem?

[at a baby shower]

Betty Dusenberry:
This is from the Davids? Oh, it's a doll!

Larry:
It's a mulatto! [everyone is silent] No good?

Betty Dusenberry:
..Bi-racial is what we call it usually.

Larry:
Bi-racial. Huh, what do you know about that?

[Larry calls Irving to apologize for criticizing his peanut-cashew health mix]

Irving Schwimmer's machine:
This is Irving Schwimmer. Please leave a message at the tone.

Larry:
Hi, Mr. Schwimmer, this is Larry David. I just wanna say..

[a car hits Larry's car from behind, he looks back and yells]

You f***ing asshole! What's your f***ing problem you prick? Jesus!

Larry:
Let me ask you a question. You've slept with a lot of white man, a lot of black man, I'm sure? Is there any discernable difference?

Wanda:
What?!

Larry:
Let me rephrase that! Let me rephrase that!

Wanda:
Yeah, rephrase it!

Larry:
Uhm, is there any discernable difference between a white man and a black man, you know..[points at his crotch and indicates "size" with his hands]

Wanda:
Why would you ask me something like that, Larry?

Larry:
My friend wants to know. Why? What's the big deal?

Wanda:
I am NOT gonna answer that!

Wandering Bear:
Hello, Cheryl.

Cheryl:
Good morning, Wandering Bear.

Wandering Bear:
How is your vagina?

Susie:
Look, Wandering Elk or what ever the f*** your name is..

Survivor contestant/Colby:
So here we are, in a region of Australia where out of the world's ten most deadly snakes, nine of them inhabit this region. It was harrowing. You come across a Taipan on the trail and you get bit: dead. Thirty minutes flat.

Holocaust survivor/Solly:
Let me tell you, that's a very interesting story. I was in a concentration camp! You never even suffered one minute in your life compared to what I went through!

Colby:
Look, I'm saying we spent 42 days trying to survive. We had very little rations, no snacks-

Solly:
Snacks? What are you talking snacks? We didn't eat, sometimes for a week, for a month!

Colby:
I couldn't even work out. They certainly didn't have a gym.

Solly:
What? What are you-

Colby:
I mean, I wore my sneakers out and the next thing you know, I've got a pair of flip-flops!

Solly:
Flip-flops?!

Colby:
I slept on the ground, on the dirt, ok? 118 degrees during the day, 98 at night with 98% humidity.

Solly:
45 degrees below zero!

Colby:
Did you guys have a bathroom?

Solly:
A bathroom?!

Colby:
We didn't have one.

Solly:
We had twelve people at a time, would go and shit on each other!

Colby:
Well, I'm sure you guys had toilet paper.

Solly:
We had newspaper.

Colby:
We had mosquitoes.

Solly:
Mosquitoes. You see this glass eye? Eh? Eh?

Colby:
Have you even seen the show?

Solly:
Did you ever see our show? It was called the Holocaust!

Larry:
[as Max Bialystock] Assume away!

[Mel Brooks notices Larry, pretending to have O.C.D., arranging bottles and cups during a meeting]

Mel Brooks:
What the hell are you doing? Looks like you're making a sand castle on the table.

Monina:
This is not a good compromise.

Larry:
A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied, and I think that's what we have here.