Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 6

[at Marty's house]

Jeff:
We gotta get going. My daughter is waiting for a puppet show.

Larry:
My dad has a virus in bed with a fever with covers up to his head.

Susie:
Your dad always has a virus.

Larry:
Hey, f*** you, he doesn't always have a virus.

Larry:
What do you think you're doing?! You're stealing my thing!

Richard:
Stealing what thing?

Larry:
Showing-up-on-the-wrong-night thing!

Richard:
What, you have a f***ing copyright on this?!

Larry:
So your last name is "Black"?

Loretta Black:
Yes.

Larry:
That's like if my last name was "Jew", like Larry Jew.

Larry:
We're having a big party.

Baker:
Uh huh. You wanna cake?

Cheryl:
Yeah, we want a chocolate layer cake.

Larry:
Like the one Marty Funkhouser gets.

Baker:
Oh yeah! He's actually ordered it a couple of times. I just have one that I prepared recently.

Cheryl:
It was the best cake we ever had. We can't stop talking about it.

Baker:
It's one of our most popular cakes..

Cheryl:
I can understand why.

Baker:
..And here he is.

[puts down a cake shaped like a penis]

Larry:
...That's a penis.

Larry:
Funkhouser knowingly served us penis!

Larry:
How come you didn't tell us that I was eating a black penis, the other night?

Marty:
You mean the cake? Well, I told you it was a black "log" cake.

Larry:
Yeah, still, I was eating a black penis and you didn't mention it.

Marty:
Well, eating a black penis is not appetizing to everybody.

Larry:
Next time your gonna do something like that, tell me, okay? I think that's unfair.

Marty:
Why did you take the balls home?

Larry:
I didn't know they were balls.

Cheryl:
Where've you been?

Larry:
I was eating some penis.

Larry:
What do you mean "what kind of cum"? Cum's cum.

Leon:
Cum is not cum.

Larry:
Cum's cum.

Leon:
It couldn't have been mine, you know why? Cuz I gets mine, Larry. I brings the ruckus to the ladies.

Larry:
Okay, so you're denying this, is that it?

Leon:
First of all, look around this place, man. Is there any visuals here to jack off to? All we have is basic cable right? What am I gonna do, jack off to Andy Griffith?

Leon:
Yeah, that's how I do it, baby, ha ha ha. Joe Pepitone up in this motherf***er.

Larry:
An employee is told that the customer's always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.

Funkhouser:
If you weren't my best friend, I'd pop your head off...

Larry:
He's not my best friend!

Larry:
You can put my colon up next to your colon; we'll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.

Richard Lewis:
I will have a colon contest anytime you want.

John McEnroe:
[reading the freak book] Ah! What a freak!! Hahahaha.

Larry:
You'll go in, he'll be up there, you're down here. Right? He's on top, he's asking you the questions. Then all of a sudden the interview starts, he asks you some questions, you answer some questions ... then you start asking him the questions, and you flip it. Now he's trying to impress you.

Leon:
Turn that shit around on him.

Larry:
Turn it around on him.

Leon:
Topsy-turvy that motherf***er.

Larry:
I'm not wearing no-fly underwear.

Leon:
You gotta do it. You got long balls, Larry. Long balls, you've got long ass balls.

Larry:
I've got long balls?

Leon:
Doctor, you said he's got long balls, right?

Larry:
Would you say I have unusually long..

Doctor:
They're a bit more distended than the average testicles.

Leon:
You got long ass balls, Larry. "Long Ball Larry", that's your new name.

Larry:
Long balls..who would've known.

Leon:
Long balls, change your draws.

Larry:
[Auntie Rae] went over the appropriate amount of time that I can have human contact without getting aroused. I only have five seconds. After that, it's out of my control.

Jeff:
Not me. I've got discipline down there. I have a very discerning penis-very discerning.

Larry:
My penis is an animal.

Jeff:
Really? Just out of control. It's wild.

Larry:
It's a feral tiger, yeah.

Jeff:
[just snubbed due to his baldness] This blows. How do you deal with it?

Larry:
Well, you know, you just get used to it. I get support from my bald brothers.

Jeff:
There's, like, meetings?

[Larry is annoyed, having sponsored Marty Funkhouser to take part in a walk to raise money for Alzheimer's, to find him instead sitting in a cafe]

Larry:
What are you doing? You're supposed to be walking.

Marty:
I raise money; I don't walk.

Larry:
You didn't tell me you were sitting, I wouldn't have given you money in the first place.

Marty:
I didn't say I was walking.

Larry:
Well, the walking is implied, is it not?

Marty:
Don't you care about Alzheimer's?

Secretary:
Hey, Larry, do you still have that tickling in your anus? I cannot get you an appointment for two weeks.

Larry:
What?

Michael:
Are you experiencing discomfort?

Larry:
What is she talking about? [to secretary] What are you talking about? Where'd you get that from?

Michael:
It's nothing to joke around about. Who are you trying to make an appointment with?

Secretary:
Rosenberg.

Michael:
Rosenberg's a good man. I got a better one. Pencil. Call this man: Doctor J. Whitney. My wife's cousin, Kai, she runs the office.

Larry:
Oh, she does?

Michael:
She can open all the doors, not just the back one. You know what I mean? Seriously, she can get you in today and you don't have to think about it again. Why not?

Larry:
That's nice of you but there's really nothing wrong with me. I mean-why not-"I have a tickling in my anus". I don't have a tickle--[to secretary] Are you f***ing crazy?! Huh?! Tickle in my anus? Where did that-why'd you say that!? I don't have a tickle! Who said that?!

Michael:
I gotta go, I gotta go.

Secretary:
Look, I think I gave you the wrong impression. Larry's anus is fine-

Larry:
Shut the f*** up, okay?! SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Loretta:
[to Susie] Who the f*** you think you talkin' to?! Nobody be talkin' to my man like that! You betta get yo ass out of this house! F***en Bitch!

Dr. Page:
What did you say? What did you just say?! What did you just FIX YOUR MOUTH TO SAY?!

Larry:
No, no...

Dr. Page:
You just used THE MOST VILE WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE! HOW DARE YOU?!

Larry:
No, I was...

Dr. Page:
IN FRONT OF ME?! YOU ARE DESPICABLE! I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE LIKE YOU! YOU BALD SON OF A BITCH!!!! I HAVE TO FACE THIS KIND OF WRETCHED FOOLISHNESS!

Jeff:
[looks in a mirror and realizes he is bald] OH, MY GOD! NO!! NO!!!

Susie:
[rushes in] What?!

Jeff:
OH, MY GOD!!!! LOOK AT ME!

Susie:
What the hell happened to you?!

Jeff:
What happened?!

Susie:
What happened, Nurse?!

Nurse:
Dr. Page accidentally shaved Mr. Green's head...

Jeff:
Shaved my head?!

Susie:
Wait a minute. "Accidentally"?

Jeff:
He operated my head?

Nurse:
No, the procedure was cancelled. The operation is going to be... rescheduled.

Susie:
So he didn't have the surgery?!

Nurse:
No.

Susie:
Oh, you look horrible! Jeff!

Dr. Page:
[enters the room] Nurse, would you please excuse us? [the nurse leaves the room]

Susie:
Doctor, what the hell happened?! Look at him!

Jeff:
What happened?! What happened?!

Dr. Page:
Mr. and Mrs. Green, I am so sorry. I was coming to see you in the operating room, and I had just been victimized by a terrible incident in the cafeteria. And so I came to the operating room, and I was so angered, and I was upset, and I was confused, and I mistakenly shaved your head, for which I'm so sorry.

Susie:
A mistake is correct! You took it out on his head?!

Dr. Page:
Well, I can explain. I'm leaving the cafeteria, and I'm walking past a table, and this horrible man uses the most vile word in the English language to refer to a black person, and I went into a blind rage, and I left there, and I went to the operating room, and made this terrible mistake, for which I'm so sorry.

Susie:
Do you know who this man was?

Dr. Page:
I have no idea who he was. He was just a despicable bald man.

Susie:
Bald?

Dr. Page:
Yes.

Susie:
Did he, by any chance, wear glasses?

Dr. Page:
Yes... As a matter of fact, he was wearing glasses. And it was awful. It was just absolutely awful.

Leon:
Mofy Dick, that's what he is.

Michael:
- Moby Dick.

Leon:
- No, Moqy Dick.

Michael:
- No, it's called Moby Dick.

Michael:
"Moby Dick" is you know the book by Melville.