Dead Ringers

Den Watts:
Alfie mate, I'm getting a premonition that I might be killed off in a few months.

Alfie Moon:
But then doesn't that mean they'll be a space for another Walford bad boy?

Den Watts:
Nah they already filled that...

David Blunkett:
Yes that's right! I got sick of being the bad boy of Parliament so now I've moved onto somewhere I'll fit in more, Albert Square! I've already got Pauline Fowler pregnant and started a love triangle with myself, Pat Butcher and Wellard the dog.

Sharon Watts:
Ah there you are Blunkett! Did you really think you were gonna mess with the Watts and get away with it!?

Den Watts:
Sharon, wait, don't do it princess.

Alfie Moon:
Why not? He must've really hurt her.

Sharon Watts:
Hurt me? Nah, I wouldn't go near Blunkett with a stick!

Alfie Moon:
But then if you didn't sleep with him, which Watts did?

Den Watts:
(Beat) Me.

Fiona Bruce:
Welcome to Crime Watch. If this were the Avengers, I'd be Emma Peel.

Nick Ross:
Yes, and I'd be Steed's umbrella.

The Doctor:
Is this B&Q?

B&Q Employee:
Yes.

The Doctor:
Ah, good, this is the Doctor. Tell me, do you sell sink plungers?

B&Q Employee:
Yes.

The Doctor:
Do you sell dustbins?

B&Q Employee:
Yes.

The Doctor:
Do you sell wooden dowels?

B&Q Employee:
Yes.

The Doctor:
And when Minis drive by, do they ever have little blinking orange lights?

B&Q Employee:
Er...yes?

The Doctor:
Ah, my friend, if you have dustbins, sink plungers, wooden dowels and Minis driving by with little blinking orange lights, you are in great danger! Your shop may well be the invasion corridor for the Dalek army! You must flee at once!

Pat Butcher:
Well, that's it then, Roy. We know who did it. We know who shot Phil Mitchell. It was...

Brian Perkins:
Me, Brian Perkins!

Jonathan Ross:
The makers of the Harry Potter films are looking for a replacement for Richard Harris to play the wizardly headmaster Dumbledore. To save time they're only recalling actors who have experience with beards.

Harry Potter:
Oh, wise and Kindly Dumbledore, you said you had something of great importance you wanted to say to me.

Rolf Harris:
Yeah, g'day, Harry. It's your old mate Dumbledore here!

Director:
Next!

Billy Connolly:
Harry, don't defeat Lord Voldemort a little. Defeat him a lotto!

Director:
Next!

Brian Blessed:
HELLO! I'M BRIAN BLESSED!

Director:
Next!

Brian Perkins:
BBC Radio 4, I'm Albus Dumbledore. Or at least I am if they know what's good for them! Brian Perkins knows exactly how to gain access to the Chamber of Secrets. You just get Jenny Murray drunk at the Radio 4 Christmas Party!

Harry Potter:
I need your advice, kindly old Dumbledore.

Gandalf:
No. What you need, Potter, are new glasses. I'm not Dumbledore, I'm Gandalf. The wise old wizard that guides a youthful hero on a journey of discovery.

Harry:
Yes, that's right, Dumbledore.

Gandalf:
Frodo, tell him that I'm Gandalf.

Frodo:
You're not Gandalf, Gandalf's here! [Points at Obi-Wan Kenobi ] The wise wizard that guides a young hero on a brave quest!

Obi-Wan:
No, young acolyte, I'm not Gandalf. I'm the old master who schools a young hero in a mystic art.

Harry:
Dumbledore!

Obi-Wan:
I'm not bloody Dumbledore. I'm the one who sacrifices himself in the first part of the trilogy, then comes back from the dead to help the hero!

Gandalf:
You've nicked that bit off me!

Frodo:
Harry, Dumbledore doesn't appear in this film because the actor who plays him is dead, but he will return played by somebody else.

Obi-Wan:
Like me, they've nicked that bit too!

Gandalf:
Look, it's my movie that's breaking all box office records, not your piss poor effort!

[Obi-Wan and Gandalf fight. Darth Vader enters.]

Gandalf:
Oh, that's all we need. (!) The evil villain who dabbles in the Dark Side of the mystic realm.

Frodo:
Saruman!

Obi-Wan:
No, that's [Vader] the villain who kills the father of the hero!

Harry:
That's Lord Voldemort!

Vader:
I'm not Voldemort! Anyway, that's just a story they tell the hero. The truth is I'm really his father.

Harry:
You're my father?

Vader:
I am. [Beat] Oh, bugger! That's really spoilt the ending of the fifth book, hasn't it?

Professor Snape:
Ah, Harry Potter. I suppose you and your friends thought you could hide your identities from me under the cover of these mysterious cloaks. Well as of today the headmaster has the right to ban these face-concealing veils so take 'em off.

Snape:
(Rolling his eyes) Look, these things cause communication difficulties between staff and pupils. It's difficult enough with my ludicrous accent now take 'em off. You first Potter.

Snape:
(Rolling his eyes again) Oh God Potter, you're not in the West End anymore. Stop doing that with your wand it's against health and safety.

Announcer:
Osama bin Laden's comedy tape is more controversial then Roy Chubby Brown; but less reactionary then Jim Davidson!

Osama:
Are there any Americans in the audience

An audience member raises his arm

Osama:
Kill him!

Noel Edmonds:
Tony, how much do you love Jennifer?

Tony:
Nyeh.

Noel Edmonds:
Nyeh? We don't do "nyeh" on this show Tony. What's the matter?

Tony:
I just don't think I care anymore, Noel. I have been in my hotel room for 86 weeks waiting to get on this show. I lost my job, my wife has run off with my best friend and my house has been repossessed. This, is just a silly game.

Noel Edmonds:
They warned me this day would come. That there would be one. One like you! (pointing at Tony) Well let me tell you, Tony. We don't like your sort on Deal or No Deal. Do we, Deal or No Dealers?

Deal or No Dealers:
No!

Noel Edmonds:
So let us take our little happy sticks from underneath our podiums, and beat some Deal or No Deal happiness back into Tony!

Noel Edmonds:
Now let's keep playing.

Contestant:
Do I have to?

Noel Edmonds:
(under his breath) It's spreading!

George W. Bush:
My fellow animaniacs…

George W. Bush:
My fellow Ugly Bettys...

George W. Bush:
My fellow amoeboids…

George W. Bush:
My fellow watermelons…

George W. Bush:
My fellow pelicans…

George W. Bush:
My fellow umbrellastands…

George W. Bush:
My fellow sea-beavers…

George W. Bush:
My fellow ostriches…

George W. Bush:
My fellow Bulgarians…

George W. Bush:
My fellow Abi Titmuses…

George W. Bush:
My fellow Algorithms…

George W. Bush:
My fellow Merkins…

George W. Bush:
My fellow crustaceans...

George W. Bush:
[Referring to the end of the Iraq War] I give my word to the Iraqi people that American construction firms have arrived on the ground and will commence reincarnation immediately…

George W. Bush:
You must remember that Al-Qaeda therapists despise the American way of life, and everything you and I hold to be queer…

George W. Bush:
Today the Iraqi people will be voting — whether they are Sonnies or Chers.

George W. Bush:
The Iraqi people can look forward to a future free of intimidation and violins.

George W. Bush:
Former President, Bill Clitoris…

George W. Bush:
My fellow cabinet members, Donald Rumsfeld and Basmati Rice…

George W. Bush:
Abu Musab al-Safari and the Iraqi detergents are vanished.

George W. Bush:
Yassir Crackerjack and the Polyunsaturated people.

George W. Bush:
[After a long speech] I hope I have made myself queer.

George W. Bush:
As a result, the North Korean leader Kim Jong-il announcified that he would be resumerating their nucular program.

George W. Bush:
Al-Kapowwow

Tony Blair:
People of Britain, starey eyes, sweaty palms, receding hairline, yesterday I announced…

Tony Blair:
People of Britain, oh how I hate to be beside the seaside grimace, hate Gordon Brown hand gesture, looking over his shoulder underpants…

Tony Blair:
People of Britain, this is your Prime Minister, twitchy face, embarrassing plum suit, today...

Tony Blair:
People of Britain, this is your Supreme Overlord…

Tony Blair:
People of Britain, who hate me…

Tony Blair:
You miserable gits, this is your Prime Minister…

Tony Blair:
People of Britain, this is your Emperor…

Tony Blair:
Slack-jawed simpletons of Britain, this is your leader…

Tony Blair:
... But I am not Tony Blair. No, my real name is Enrique "The Condor" Martinez ...

Tony Blair:
[regarding George W. Bush] As you can see, the lights are on but no one's in the trailer home.

Tony Blair:
People of Britain, this is your I-can't-believe-it's-not-Gordon Prime Minister.

Tony Blair:
[after just regenerating into the Tenth Doctor] New Labour. That's weird.

John Prescott:
The listeners understand, John, and Gordon Brown agrees with this and you've had your say, that in so far as this policy is implemented if I can get a word in edgeways and the whole Cabinet is behind this…

John Prescott:
I never said I was the Queen. This was twisted by the media back into the order in which I said it.

John Prescott:
Look, simply Blair has lost touch with the people! (Beat) Oh dear I almost made sense there!

John Prescott:
And that's the end of the whole affair. And by affair I don't mean affair so will you quiet down, Pauline!

John Prescott:
I used the funds for my large volume of important work (Beat) and my wife's volume of important hair

John Prescott:
It is with deep regret and double chin that I announce this.

Kirsty Wark:
He was a skater boy, she said see you later boy, he wasn't good enough for her. More on that story later.

Kirsty Wark:
I swear you're just like a pill. Instead of making me better you're making me ill. More on that story later.

Kirsty Wark:
I predict a riot, I predict a riot, I predict a riot, I predict a riot. More on that story later.

Kirsty Wark:
I've got something to put in you, I've got something to put in you, at the gay bar, gay bar. More on that story later.

Kirsty Wark:
You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot — happy Christmas, your arse, I pray God it's your last. More on that story later.

Kirsty Wark:
I'm not trying to pull you, even though I would like to. I think you are really fit. You're fit but my gosh don't you know it. More on that story later.

Kirsty Wark:
It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. More on that novel later.

Kirsty Wark:
My heart's in overdrive and you're behind the steering wheel.. More on that story later.

Kirsty Wark:
I want money, that's all I want, just give me money. More on Jeremy Paxman's new salary demands later, but first…

Kirsty Wark:
My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps. More on that story later

Kirsty Wark:
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like: It's better than yours. Damn right. It's better than yours. More on that story later.

Kirsty Wark:
Push me, and touch me, so I can get my satisfaction. More on that story later.

Kirsty Wark:
They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no no no. More on that story later.

Kirsty Wark:
I've had the same jeans on for four days now. More on that story later.

Kirsty Wark:
And i would walk five hundred miles, and i would walk five hundred more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall at your door. More on that story later.

Kirsty Wark:
Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money. More on that story later.

Kirsty Wark:
Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. More on that story later.

Kirsty Wark:
You're watching Newsnight... are you trying to impress someone? More on that story later.

Kirsty Wark:
One love for the city streets, one love for the hip hop beats. One love is all we need. More on that story later.

Kirsty Wark:
Even when I'm with my boo, all I think about is you. More on that story later.

Kirsty Wark:
If there's a problem, yo I'll solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolve it. More on that story later.

Fiona Bruce:
Hello and welcome to the Ten O'Clock News with me Fiona Bruce. It's not the news in my life, it's the life in my news.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce, proud to be tested on animals.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce, and I'm sat on the luckiest chair in Britain.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. Breaking news, breaking hearts.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. I'm the one who made the frog crazy.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. There's never a hosepipe ban when I'm around.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. Forget The Da Vinci Code, I'm the one who'll bring the Catholic Church to its knees.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. When the news is good, I'm good. When it's bad, I'm better.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. If you're looking for a source of alternative energy, you've come to the right place.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce; the real reason Thierry Henry is staying in Britain.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce; Michael Schumacher has been stripped of his pole position from the Monaco Grand Prix, after an incident during the qualifying lap, and I've just won £50 from my producer for saying stripped, pole and lap without moving my eyebrows.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce; David Cameron's first choice of luxury item.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce; Play your cards right, and you could be in for a Brucey bonus!

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. I'll make Peter Crouch.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. Like Britney Spears, I'm completely shaved.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. Standing up, or behind the desk, it's all the same with me!

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. With rear end suspension and airbags as standard.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. Now the regional news, all my regions are just as fantastic as the rest of me.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. Don't move! I like you in that position

Fiona Bruce:
X-Men? They are when I've finished with them.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. Guess where I've got my Red Nose!

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. I've kept slaves in the past but I'm not apologizing.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. Gordon Brown visits me privately as well.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. Have you been a good boy all year? Then it won't be me coming down your chimney at midnight; I only like bad boys!

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce; My knickers are made of mistletoe.

Fiona Bruce:
David Blunkett has been fiercely criticized for telling David Dimbleby to piss-off during a live radio broadcast. David Dimbleby has been fiercely criticized for not pissing-off!

Fiona Bruce:
Hello, I'm Fiona Bruce and welcome to the News at 10. You bloody love it, don't you?

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. I'm off to play with Dom's little wood.

Fiona Bruce:
I've ironed your script, so if you crease it the only reporting you'll be doing is in the Falklands, and that's not very nice! Rhrrrr!

Fiona Bruce:
You're watching a NewsWatch election night special, and I've already had my ballot box well and truly stuffed!

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. Don't touch what you can't afford.

Fiona Bruce:
You're watching the Ten O'Clock News with me, Fiona Bruce, and like Britney, I'm also completely shaved.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. The real reason Prince William is delaying the wedding.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. The whole world's competing to lift my cup.

Fiona Bruce:
I'm Fiona Bruce. There's about 100,000 people in my catchment area.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Just starting over on BBC One is a brand new programme about the recent New Labour drama, The Project - following the story of a tiny handful of mysterious clandestine people who actually bother to watch it all the way through.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Tomorrow night at 9 on ITV1, there'll be someone who used to be in EastEnders, or Soldier Soldier on the hunt for a serial killer. I haven't actually looked at the schedules but it's bound to be there, it usually is.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
And there's a treat in store for Drama lovers now, as this BBC Two trail has been adapted by Andrew Davies. Well, he's written everything else this weekend so he might as well write this too. It'll be just the same as the other trails really, except I'm wearing a frock coat and a top hat. You might notice something a little sexier than usual... Picture of a topless woman flashes on screen

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Starting in a few minutes on ITV2 is Pop Rivals: Extra. Expect to see tears aplenty from those young hopefuls who've had their dreams of becoming a household name crushed... by being chosen to be in the final band.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Later tonight on BBC Four, we've a change to our scheduled film. In place of Jean Renoir's 1959 French classic Le Déjeuner sur l'herbe, we'll be screening Porky's Five Horny Babes in bikinis. No, we won't really, sorry, but I had to wake you up somehow, didn't I? Time for bed now, see you tomorrow!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Starting in a few minutes on ITV, it's the News At Ten with Trevor McDonald. Warning: may contain news.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Friday night on BBC One, we'll discover who has won Fame Academy, as the BBC plucks someone from obscurity, and with the help of designers, choreographers and a million-pound prize, throws them straight back into obscurity.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Over on BBC One starting in a few minutes, there'll be a chance to see the advert for the BBC's new digital service. But don't worry if you miss it, because it'll be on again half-an-hour after that, and then again, and again and again right throughout the night until it reaches the stage you'll be wanting to rip your own face off and stick it up Steven Berkoff's jacksie!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Later this evening on 4 (Channel Four), we have a documentary that takes a sensitive look at the issues surrounding gender reassignment. That's 'Bloody Hell, That Weird Looking Bloke's Wearing a Dress!', tonight at nine.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Great news for Muppets fans this festive season. There's a Muppet's Christmas Carol on ITV, A Muppet Treasure Island here on BBC One, and the Muppets Invade Baghdad and Kermit kicks Saddam's Arse on News 24.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
This festive season on BBC One, we've yet more increasingly desperate Weakest Link themed specials.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
You're watching BBC Two. Turkey curry? You sure that's a good idea?

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Tomorrow at 9, we have a brand new reality TV series starring Chris Evans: When Bailiffs Attack!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Tomorrow here on 4, we have a brand new reality show: Rise. Where two presenters sit in a studio and try and vote out as many viewers as possible.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Tomorrow night at 7:30 over on ITV1, there sees the start of a brand new series: Pets Rebuild Houses! That's followed at 8:30 by Celebrity Pets Rebuild Houses, where Carol Vorderman's terrapin redesigns Christopher Biggins's gazeebo!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
At 8 o'clock on Saturday, our series celebrating the written word, The Story of the Novel, asks the question of why do young people no longer read books? Followed at 9 by Big Brother.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
You can see the next episode of 24 Pints(in-show spoof version of 24) at the same time next week on BBC Two. Viewers with digital satellite can watch the next episode right now over on BBC Three. And boy, do they bang on about that in the office all week!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Later tonight on ITV1, we see the start of a brand new series of How Clean is Your Celebrity Builder from Hell?. Where two mad women clean out Richard Blackwood's pants, while he overcharges for laying a patio.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Later on BBC Two, we'll be showing a selection of programmes from BBC Four, so you can ignore them all over again.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Saturday night on ITV sees the start of a brand new series, When David Jason attacks club reps with Carol Vorderman, because he's been ripped off by builders from hell! Right, and if you won't watch that, that's it. We give up! Officially. Do it yourselves! Make your own programmes!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
There's a very special Big Brother 4 reunion this week, as seven of the housemates all apply for the same job at Burger King.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
This next programme contains images some viewers may find distressing, as we go over live to Edgbaston for England vs. South Africa.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Later on BBC One, more makeover fun with House Invaders, as we send Anna Ryker-Richardson and Linda Barker to visit Tony Martin's farmhouse.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Later on ITV1, more members of the general public put their wits against the odds, as they desperately try to work out what time their favourite programme will be moved to next week.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
You're watching BBC One. What, can't you afford a holiday?

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Later tonight on The Bill there's a shock in store for the officers at Sun Hill, as a new detective arrives who has never been in another soap.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Later tonight on BBC One, as part of our commitment to pretending we're cultural and worthy, there's groundbreaking history programming, with Looking for Queen Victoria. Followed by History, with Charles II. Followed by Ancient History, with Colosseum.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
A new documentary series on Wednesday tries to discover the reasons why more and more Brits every year are turning to drink. That's followed at 9 by Fame Academy.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
You're watching BBC Four. Quiet, isn't it?

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Later this evening here on 4, a sensitive and moving documentary exploring the issues surrounding obesity, in When Fat People Explode.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Coming up next on ITV, go on, guess! Just guess, no clues, nothing. Just guess. Well done! A Touch of Frost.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Coming up later this evening on BBC One, lots of loud, irritating, pointless trails for digital radio. Followed by equally loud pointless trails for cBeebies and Restoration, and if there's time we might even throw in a few programmes as well!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
And we've a real treat tonight for viewers on 4. Yes, it's a programme without the word 'house' in the title!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Tomorrow night at 9 here on ITV, Real Lives looks at masochists, and what drives them night after night to watch ITV.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Coming up next on BBC One, the Test Card. That's followed on BBC Three by the Test Card: Extra, looking at what the Test Card does when it's not on television.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Coming up later on BBC One, The National Lottery: Winning Lines, the big-prize quiz game where with just one call to Philip Schofield, you could really make your night. Go on, call him a twat, live on peak-time television!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
It's 6 o'clock on BBC Two, and you've tuned in because you've forgotten we don't have The Simpsons anymore. No, instead we have a double bill of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Every single weekday. Frankly we're just rubbing salt into the wound!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Tonight on 4, we're going to show one of the most highly acclaimed drama series that America has ever made, at 2:30 in the morning! In the meantime, you can watch all the shite we make here.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Friday night sees Episode 3 of Peter Ackroyd's London. And the show's fully interactive, so at the end simply press the red button on your digital handset, and someone will come around, run a key down the side of your car and steal your wallet.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
This is Channel Four. To fulfill our remit for broadcasting daring, innovative and challenging television that may, at times, be difficult to watch - we're gonna play an episode of Friends backwards.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
This week on EastEnders, Sonia celebrates her engagement to the man who murdered her last fiancee, and he asks the person who was in the car with them to be his best man. Yeah, we know... we've stopped watching it too.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Now on ITV, a desperate bid for ratings, as the character Tanya Turner from Footballer's Wives turns up in Bad Girls. Tomorrow, Sergeant Leyton from Heartbeat joins The Bill, and there's a new landlord at the Woolpack: Sir Trevor McDonald!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Now on BBC One, prestige drama, but don't worry there's plenty of guns and cleavage to get you through.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Tonight on 4, there's another triple bill of Friends, but first there's a quick update on the scores: Channel 4 has only broadcast 28 hours of Friends this week, whilst E4 are storming ahead with 37 hours! That's just 19 hours short of total Friends saturation, and believe-me (voice turns into a Dalek) THAT-DAY-WILL-COME!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
CHANNEL FIVE ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow night our seemingly never-ending Nazi documentary season continues scraping the bottom of the barrel with the start of our new 10-part series: Allo, Allo!: A Warning from History.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Coming up on Friday's episode of EastEnders, Ian Beale gets the result of the DNA test: and gets the shock of his life. He is human after all.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
You're watching Channel Five! Hello stranger, long time since we've seen you around here, isn't it? You used to flick by all the time when we showed soft porn all evening! Is that all we were to you!? I thought we had something special! No, no, I'm actually not gonna show you the movie now, just get out of my sight!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
There's drama here later tonight on Five, when we finally run out of programmes about the Nazis, and realise that there's only one thing for it. We'll have to invade Poland!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Later on Channel Four at 10:30, Inside the Mind of Liza Minnelli. Then the weather at 10:32.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
(At the Argentine Tango BBC One Ident): And now on BBC One, look at the people dancing! Just look at them, aren't they pretty? They're dancing in the rain, but they don't care, they're just dancing and dancing and dancing. That lady's so pretty, I think she might be a princess. Wish I was dancing in the rain... sigh.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Wednesday night on Destination D-Day, here on BBC One, there's a shock in store for the 15 raw recruits recreating life in a World War II training camp: when they're told that back home, 15 Americans are shagging their girlfriends.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
At 8 tomorrow on BBC Two, we've got The Good Life. That's followed by Porridge at 8:30, and later at 10 there's That Was the Week we Watched . A nostalgic programme looking back at the shows we had been watching this week in 1979: which were Porridge and The Good Life.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
This week on EastEnders, there's trouble in store for Kat Slater, when she's mistaken for a panda, tranquilized, and returned to London Zoo.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Next on BBC Two, Top Gear, and Jeremy Clarkson reviews the best hoses for siphoning petrol out of the new Mazda MX-5.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Thursday night on 4 at 9'o'clock, there's the second part of our disturbing documentary series Human Mutants. This week it's Dermot O'Leary.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
You're watching BBC Four, quiet isn't it? I'm eating a Bath Oliver biscuit and some rather splendid olives, um.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
It's a very special day for us on ITV now, as our new drama A Line in the Sand marks our 60th attempt of a vehicle for Ross Kemp. Let us never forget its fallen comrades.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Coming up on ITV1, after having played a cab driver in Shame, Frank Skinner is back on another show where he's carrying a passenger, where he is co-hosting Fantasy Football with David Baddiel!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Tuesday night on 4, there's Big Brother, followed by Sex with Strangers, followed by EuroTrash... after which you should probably take a shower. But no matter how hard you scrub, you'll still feel dirty!!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
(At the Ribbon Gymnasts BBC One Ident): Now on BBC One, Drama. Oh no, oh God, she's falling, somebody save her! Somebody please, save her! Oh...! Oh no, she's OK... oh... they're all OK! Phew, I was worried there for a moment!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
This Sunday afternoon, there's football on One, tennis on Two, football on Three and cricket on Four. Welcome to Channel Five, for everyone who pretended they left their games kit on the bus!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Tonight on 4, we're setting aside acres of airtime to analyze the single-most important American event of the year. Yes, we've got The Simpsons. Yah, boo, sucks to you, BBC!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Next month on 4, a moving and thought-provoking documentary that looks at the effective decomposition on the human body after death. That's Too Dead to Wash, with Kim and Aggie!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
All next week on ITV, we'll be screening unseen episodes of Trisha, which presumably could be any of them.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Now on ITV1, the first of a six-part fly on the wall documentary about Jordan and Peter Andre. No, I'm not joking, I only wish I were.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
On the Frank Skinner Show this week, the singer Joss Stone and the football manager Ron Atkinson - where they both get to listen to the amusing anecdotes of special guest star, Frank Skinner.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Coming up this evening at 7:30 here on Five, there's House Doctor, then Hot Property, then House Busters, and then House Doctor again. Yeah, it's Friday night, we know you're in the pub, so we've put some programmes on for your house to watch while you're out!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Friday night on ITV, and Rosemary and Thyme! There's a big shock in store for our sleuthing duo when no-one gets murdered, and the ladies are forced to do some bloody gardening for a change. Get on your knees and get your hands dirty, you lazy old biddies!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
So, here's the rest of the day's line-up: three identical programmes about people trying to sell their house, followed by five identical programmes about people being made to live with people they're not likely to get on with. And on the other four channels, exactly the same thing.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Imagine returns to BBC One this week, with an Arthur Miller special. America's most famous living playwright movingly discusses his early seminal work, his latest play, and his marriage to Marilyn Monroe. That's Phwoar, I gave her one! Yes really, I did!, Wednesday at 10:45.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
You're watching BBC Four. Exciting, wasn't it? A five-hour documentary about Lech Wałęsa in Welsh.

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Later on 4: Morgan and Platel, where an ex-Mirror editor and an ex-Tory spin doctor continue to spark debate around the country. Like 'if you could only punch one of them, which would it be?'

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
You're watching ITV1. Coronation Street goes all '24' this week with a series of programmes in real time! Viewers will be gripped as Jack Duckworth has only 24 hours to find and defuse one of Betty's hotpots!

Bbc Continuity Announcers:
Now here on 4, the Sex Inspectors, where a couple with difficulties in the boardroom get the chance to do the nasty on national television - while two experts get to point out to everyone what they're doing wrong. Frankly, I'd rather carry on being a crap shag!

Charlotte Green:
BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green: Jordan for the Home Counties!

Charlotte Green:
BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green, and yes, from now on I'll be reading the news Calendar Girls-style.

Charlotte Green:
BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green, and yes, I am shaking my Tic-Tacs at you.

Charlotte Green:
BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green. Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to hear me?

Charlotte Green:
BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green. Too orangey for crows.

Charlotte Green:
BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green, the Home Counties' very own Pussycat Doll.

Brian Perkins:
I am the God of Hellfire and I bring you...Radio 4!

Brian Perkins:
I'm Brian Perkins. At my signal, unleash hell!

Brian Perkins:
BBC Radio 4. I'm Kaiser Soze!

Brian Perkins:
BBC Radio 4. I'm the Firestarter!

Brian Perkins:
They counted without one thing. Me, Stone Cold Brian Perkins!

Brian Perkins:
BBC Radio 4. I'm Lord Lucan!

Brian Perkins:
I'm Brian Perkins. Harder than a fiendish sudoku on Viagra.

Brian Perkins:
BBC Radio 4. I'm Brian Perkins. Come on, feel the noise.

Brian Perkins:
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, I'm Brian Perkins, don't **** with me.

Brian Perkins:
BBC Radio 4. I'm Brian Perkins... the real Slim Shady.

John Humphries:
It's coming up to eighteen minutes past eight.

John Humphries:
It's coming up to seventeen minutes past twenty four.

John Humphries:
It's forty-two billion years since the dawn of time.

John Humphries:
It's time...James Naughtie got me a cup of tea!

John Humphries:
The time is just an abstract construct and history is an illusion!

John Humphries:
The time is just coming up to...my ankles.

John Humphries:
The time is just coming up to a turn off at the A42 with a Duchy on the left hand side.

John Humphries:
(in a 750th anniversary of Today) Thou art listening to 'Today', and just checking Stonehenge I can see that the time is approximately...spring! (laughter) Past seven.

Noel Edmonds (Deal or No Deal):
£250,000. 22 identical sealed boxes. A tiny, tiny beard. And no questions, except one. Where the hell do I buy my shirts?

Noel Edmonds (Deal or No Deal):
You're back. Thought you would be. Let's face it you're watching television at half past four in the afternoon. Not as though you're busy.

Noel Edmonds (Deal or No Deal):
Twenty-two unemployed people. A quarter of the budget of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, and no questions. No skill, and no idea why I get so worked up about the whole thing.

Noel Edmonds (Deal or No Deal):
Inside this box is either £35,000 or an enraged snake. Lucy, you've rejected every deal the banker has offered you, you've refused to swap boxes, you're tolerating me standing far, far too close to you. Lucy, keep smiling but above all, keep your face free of corrosive snake venom.

Jose Mourinho:
Today, Chel-sea has won / To win, that is my job / To lose, that is to die / The league, it will be mine / A god, you're lookin' at one / And now the end is near.

Jose Mourinho:
And will you hand me back me amazin' COAT OF POW-WER!

Sven-Goran Eriksson:
Sweden, where I was designed and built

Sven-Goran Eriksson:
Play "Dress up" with David Beckham, "Pin the Metatarsal" on the Rooney, and "Climb a swing" on Peter Crouch

Sven-Goran Eriksson:
I am like a peaceful lake ... filled with concrete

Sven-Goran Eriksson:
It is very bad news. They now no longer can afford basic necessities like champagne, Aston Martins, or topless maid service.

Sven-Goran Eriksson:
Owen Hargreaves will be unable to afford his first-class ticket to the World Cup, so it might be more good than bad.

Sven-Goran Eriksson:
They have gotten second jobs. Wayne Rooney has hired himself out as a gorilla-gram, Theo Walcott is doing his classmate's schoolwork, and Peter Crouch is a dancer for Craftsmart.

Sven-Goran Eriksson:
They won't play well. And that's why I have 20 grand on Brazil. (does the Svenny dance)

Sven-Goran Eriksson:
The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.

Tom Baker (the Fourth Doctor):
You are Autons from the planet Tossoss!

Tom Baker (the Fourth Doctor):
[Making a prank call to the British Embassy in Berlin] Ah, is this the British Embassy? (Yes.) Ah, good evening. I am calling to warn you of an imminent Dalek invasion. (I see, sir. Can I get your name and address?) The Doctor, 325 Gallifrey Centre! [Hangs up]

Tom Baker (the Fourth Doctor):
I'm going to take a nap. Wake me up when I'm Peter Davison. Better yet, wake me up when I'm Sylvester McCoy.

Tom Baker (the Fourth Doctor):
(When a voiceover in the London Eye advises people to move to get their photo taken) Don't do it. It's a trap!

Tom Baker (the Fourth Doctor):
I travel in space and time ... and on trains

Tom Baker (the Fourth Doctor):
You are Australian, do you know my companion Tegan Jovanka? She had marvelous norks. I once asked her if I gave her five bucks if she would rub them together.

Tom Baker (the Fourth Doctor):
1245, a wonderful year.

Tom Baker (the Fourth Doctor):
This party's dryer than the dark side of the planet Aurelia. [spikes the eggnog and begins laughing sinisterly before sneaking away]

Tom Baker (the Fourth Doctor):
Oh, another scarf, well that's just what I need.

Tom Baker (the Fourth Doctor):
Do you have change for a Gallifrian zonk?

Tom Baker (the Fourth Doctor):
You call yourself the train guard when in fact you are really THE MASTER.

Tom Baker (the Fourth Doctor):
(comes out of toilet) Gaseous sulphides; low concentration; I'd give it twenty minutes.

Tom Baker (the Fourth Doctor):
(when asked why he was travelling in a train) Because the TARDIS was destroyed when I took it to Kwikfit!

Tom Baker (the Fourth Doctor):
When I was travelling, the girls wore big hats and polka-dotted skirts. He (Christopher Eccleston) gets to go around with Billie Piper, a good bit of skirt with a gob large enough to lose a submarine in. Not fair.

Tom Baker (the Fourth Doctor):
Oh good, because France, Kasterborous is an absolute sh*thole!

Obi-Wan Kenobi:
We need passage to Aldershot.

Obi-Wan Kenobi:
A fine cargo hold; plenty of room for me, my apprentice, two Druids, and no questions asked.

Obi-Wan Kenobi:
A long time ago I had a Ford Galaxy, far far away.

Obi-Wan Kenobi:
A metric speedometer. Metric; no Imperial entanglements!

Obi-Wan Kenobi:
Could it outrun Imperial vessels?

Obi-Wan Kenobi:
Could it resist a tractor beam?

Obi-Wan Kenobi:
The color of my last car was a little on the dark side.

Obi-Wan Kenobi:
I can give you 2,000 now and 15,000 when we get to Aldershot.

Obi-Wan Kenobi:
[Kenobi to Darth Vader] You cannot win, Darth. If you strike me down, you will lose your No-Claims Bonus!

Obi-Wan Kenobi:
[Vader to Kenobi, about their baguette duel] Your bakery products are weak, old man!

Maximus Decimus Meridius:
Father to a mudered son, husband to a murdered wife ... but that's when I call Claims Direct! [cheesy music starts, Maximus walks through a call centre] If you've been involved in a motor accident that wasn't your fault, had a trip or fall anywhere, or had your family brutally murdered by the Empire's legionaires, call now.

Maximus Decimus Meridius:
Call MCMXXVI, that's MCMXXVI

Maximus Decimus Meridius:
I once had the plans, but they were stolen by Proximo and Gracchus.

Maximus Decimus Meridius:
Is your friend one of those who would plot a war against me?

Maximus Decimus Meridius:
We can't use the rivers as they have been infested by the plague.

Maximus Decimus Meridius:
We must bathe with the women slaves ... it will heighten the men's spirits before going into battle.

Maximus Decimus Meridius:
Mick? I will call you Mickus

Maximus Decimus Meridius:
[when asked whether 900 "portaloos" are needed for his soldiers] Well we can't have 20 soldiers to 1 shitter.

Maximus Decimus Meridius:
We must protect ourselves ... from the Visigoths, and the Huns, and the Barbarian Horde.

Cross-Breed Gags:
Hello, welcome to Fame Academy. I'm Patrick Kealty - I'm Irish, I got spikey hair so in theory I should be as lovable and funny as Graham Norton. So much for theories! We've got twelve contestants, three judges, two viewers!

Cross-Breed Gags:
Hello, I'm Natasha Kaplinsky — half television presenter, half prize-winning cat!

Cross-Breed Gags:
Welcome back to another special edition with me, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, the secret love child of Alan Davies and Dougal from The Magic Roundabout…

Cross-Breed Gags:
Hello, I'm Sandi Toksvig: love child of Bilbo Baggins and an Ewok…", and, "Hello, I'm Sandi Toksvig, the original hobbit…

Cross-Breed Gags:
You're watching Newsnight Review with me, Mark Lawson, Britain's brainest potato…" and "You're watching Newsnight Review with me, Mark Lawson, I am the eggman, Martha Kearney is the walrus…

Cross-Breed Gags:
Hello, you're watching Newsnight Review so you've probably lost your remote control.

Cross-Breed Gags:
Hi, I'm George Lucas, Hollywood's most powerful Ewok.

Cross-Breed Gags:
Hi, I'm George Lucas, you know lots of people say to me: "George? Why do you keep going back and tampering with the old Star Wars movies we love and keep creating crappy new ones we hate?" You know what I say to them? "You're fired!".

Cross-Breed Gags:
I'm Kirstie Allsopp, half woman, half Care Bear…

Cross-Breed Gags:
I'm Kirsty Allsopp. I wasn't born, I was knitted

Cross-Breed Gags:
And I'm Phil Spencer, half man…

Cross-Breed Gags:
I'm Professor Robert Winston, the only Super Mario brother who didn't become a plumber" and "I'm Professor Robert Winston, a shrink-wrapped version of Tom Selleck.

Cross-Breed Gags:
Hello I'm Nicky Hambleton-Jones, the body of a Barbie doll, the soul of a Great White Shark!

Cross-Breed Gags:
Hello I'm Bill Oddie. Half man, Half compost heap.

Cross-Breed Gags:
Hello, I'm Bill Oddie, the missing link between man and shrub.

Cross-Breed Gags:
Hello, I'm Bill Oddie. I used to be big in the seventies, but then again - so was the three day week.

Cross-Breed Gags:
Hello, I'm Bill Oddie. Don't be frightened of my beard, it's just to make predators think I'm bigger than I really am.

Cross-Breed Gags:
Hello, I'm Gabby Logan, half woman, half jockstrap!

Cross-Breed Gags:
I'm Graham Norton, the last Kenneth Williams in the shop.

Cross-Breed Gags:
I am Anne Robinson: Judge Dredd in an Armani trouser suit and I will be obeyed!

Cross-Breed Gags:
Hello, I'm Stellios [Haji-Ioannou]. The beloved lovechild of Pavarotti and a shish kebab.

Cross-Breed Gags:
My name is William Hague, Conservative Party Leader. And I refuse to be referred to as the illegitimate spawn of Ann Widdecombe and Nicholas Parsons.

Cross-Breed Gags:
Hello, and welcome to Bargain Hunt, with me, David Dickinson, the love child of Peter Stringfellow and a mahogany hat stand.

Cross-Breed Gags:
I'm Jeremy Kyle, pimp my Kilroy...

Cross-Breed Gags:
I'm Jeremy Kyle, no you can't have your dinner money back!

Cross-Breed Gags:
Hi, I'm Nick Ross. If wallpaper could speak it would say, "Hi I'm Nick Ross".

Cross-Breed Gags:
Hello, I'm John Craven, just think of me as a decaffeinated Nick Ross.

Cross-Breed Gags:
Hello, I'm Gillian McKeith, Pol Pot in a lab coat

Cross-Breed Gags:
My name is Greg Dyke, and I am director-general of the BBC. Shut up, I am!

Cross-Breed Gags:
My name is Greg Dyke, and I am director-general of the BBC. Not a lot of people know that.