Dinosaurs, Season 2

[Earl walks into the living room and sees Robbie and Charlene watching TV while the baby is alone in the kitchen.]

Earl:
Morning, kids. What are you doing?

Robbie:
Watching the baby.

Earl:
Nice to see you you're accepting more responsibility.

Earl [to the Elders]:
Please don't make me bite off my own head. I was practicing in the lobby, and it just wasn't happening.

Elder [reading from the Sacred Book of Dinosaur]:
...and his father [Earl] shall be courageous and wise.

[Earl chuckles]

Elder [to another Elder]:
Give me the Wite-Out.

[Elder edits the sacred book]

Elder [reading from the (revised) Sacred Book of Dinosaur]:
...father shall be a blithering idiot.

Earl:
Can he do that?

[Robbie is refusing to help manage the people coming to see the new king (Baby)]

Robbie:
Those dinosaurs out there are just sheep.

Earl:
Have you noticed that some of those sheep are cheerleaders?

[Robbie runs outside to help.]

Howard Handupme:
A meteor watch has been put into effect throughout the Pangean panhandle. Scientists have specifically pinpointed this particular house as the point of probable impact.

[A picture of the Sinclair house appears on the tv screen]

Earl:
Come on, come on! What does this have to do with me?

[Earl is talking to the insurance agent about the cost of replacing the tv]

Earl:
Don't try to cheat me on this! 'Cause I know you insurance guys, you have absolutely no ethics.

Insurance Agent:
Well, how much would you say your television is worth?

Earl:
Ten thousand dollars. Good thing I popped for that extra meteor coverage, huh?

Insurance Agent:
For us, yes. But if you refer to that large bound volume we sent you labeled "exclusions", you'll find that a meteor is only a meteor until it enters the Earth's atmosphere, at which time it become a meteorite.

Earl:
As you can see, I have separated all known dinosaur wisdom into three categories: "Animal, vegetable, rocks."

Robbie:
Well, what about fire?

Earl:
Vegetable.

Charlene:
What about water?

Earl:
Water is the opposite of fire, which we have previously established as a vegetable. What's the opposite of a vegetable? Fruit. So water is a fruit. Fruit is not a vegetable, so it has to be either an animal or a rock. We know it's not an animal. Therefore, fruit is a rock.

Charlene:
Daddy, I asked you about water.

Earl:
Could we hold all questions until the end of the lecture, please?

Baby [pointing the remote at Earl]:
Not the TV!

Charlene:
I'm used to being embarrassed by you guys on a local level, I don't know how I feel about being humiliated nationally.

Earl:
And what makes you the Ancient History expert?

Ethyl:
I was there.

Ethyl:
Television is responsible for the utter degradation of our society. We should write a letter.

Fran:
Mom? Get a life.

Earl:
If your mother can take the time kill this dinner, you can take the time to eat it.

[Robbie leaves the table, refusing to eat meat]

Earl:
Charlene, you are now my son.

Charlene:
Thanks Daddy. Can I have money for lipstick?

Earl:
Of course, son.

Earl:
I shoulda shown [Robbie] the beauty of killing small things.

Bob Dylan-like Singer:

Has anybody here

Seen my old friend Bambi's mother?

Can you tell me where she's done?

She fed a lot of people

But the tasty, they die young.

Just like antelope, mutton, and Bambi's mom.

[Earl is telling Robbie about his father.]

Earl:
He expected me to live in the woods, have kids in the mud, eat my mate and die in pieces. And you know? That was okay for him. But I wanted better.

Earl:
It doesn't take a genius to figure that out.

Ethyl:
Then you're the guy for the job.

Earl [to Fran]:
It's not [Charlene's] tail. That would be a female problem. She isn't a female yet, so she doesn't have a problem. Which if she did, we wouldn't discuss it in front of the son.

Robbie:
Fine, I'll leave.

Earl:
I'll go with you.

[Earl punches Roy]

Roy:
Hey! Earl, I don't want to pry into your personal business, but is something bothering you?

Earl:
Not that I'm aware of.

[Earl is putting the uneaten food back into the refrigerator]

Food:
And don't be putting me in no vegetable bin. I wake up in the vegetables and I'll come out and kick you big, flabby dinosaur butt all up and down the super-continent.

Earl [to Charlene]:
I don't think nature knows what it's doing. What I think you need is something to protect you from nature.

Charlene:
You mean, like a father?

Earl:
Well, actually, I was thinking more like a machine gun. But, I guess a father would do in a pinch.

Earl:
How'd I do Fran?

Fran:
Well, "not the mama", but you'll do in a pinch.

[Earl is watching television, dejectedly, after becoming disillusioned with his job]

TV:
Why are you stuck in a boring dead-end job?

Earl:
I don't know.

TV:
Why does your boss always yell at you?

Earl:
Can't figure it out.

TV:
Why is your life such a complete mess?

Earl:
Will you stop pickin' on me?

TV:
Why ask 'Why'? Drink alcohol! Nobody likes a thinker! You may not be able to change your life, but you can change the way you look at it. Alcohol. The more you drink, the less you think!

[Baby is crying because a mouse like creature ate his cookie]

Fran:
No, crying isn't going to help.

Baby [sobbing]:
My cookie's gone!

Fran:
Because you ate it.

Baby:
No, the cookie creature took it.

Fran:
All right. A cookie creature took it.

Baby:
Don't talk down to me!

Fran:
This is between you and the cookie creature, so you two will have to work it out.

Baby [angrily]:
Oh well, thanks for nothing.

[During a series of commercials using war references and jingoism to sell products]

Girl on TV:
Mom, do you ever feel... you know... not patriotic?

Charlene:
Mom, you said you were the last one in your class to get your tail. How did you handle it?

Fran:
Oh, well... that was a long time ago, and I'm sure I handled it with grace and dignity.

Ethyl:
She tried to throw herself off the roof.

Fran:
Mother!

Ethyl:
Of course, you weighed 2800 pounds, so the roof collapsed. She fell right through onto Grandpa Louie, who was cleaning his pipe at the time. We never found the pipe, but Grandpa Louie walked funny after that...

[Robbie is writing an essay; the Grapdelites pop out of their box]

Grapdelite 1:
Shouldn't you be hiding us?

Grapdelite 2:
Can't you see he's thinking?

Grapdelite 1:
I'm merely reminding him of his responsibility to his father. Now, be quiet!

Robbie:
Hey, I'm trying to write a paper here! Okay?

Grapdelite 2:
We've offended him!

Grapdelite 1:
What's your paper about?

Grapdelite 2:
Oh, it's none of our business!

Robbie:
It's a social studies paper, and it's not going very well. [shows the Grapdelites his paper]

Grapdelite 1:
"Why dinosaurs rule the Earth? We're big."

Robbie:
Yeah, that really bites, doesn't it?

Grapdelite 2:
Well, there's certainly no denying that size allows the dinosaur to have almost unlimited benefits.

Grapdelite 1:
Of course, the duality of nature dictates that for every benefit, there must be a cost.

Grapdelites:
[together] Don't you agree?

Robbie:
Oh, well, I, uh...

Grapdelite 1:
We've lost him.

Grapdelite 2:
So try an illustration.

Grapdelite 1:
Of course. [to Robbie] Why is it good to be big?

Robbie:
Well, we get to eat whoever we want. Uh, no offense.

Grapdelite 1:
Oh, none taken.

Grapdelite 2:
However, if we don't plan for the future, there won't be anymore food. That would be the cost.

Robbie:
What do you mean "no more food"? There's always more, that's what "more" means.

Grapdelite 1:
Oh, dear... [pulls out a bunch of grapes from the box]

Grapdelite 2:
Imagine that these are all the grapes in the world.

Robbie:
Um, yeah, so?

Grapdelite 1:
Now, suppose that you eat all the grapes.

Robbie:
Hm, okay. [eats the grapes in one gulp] Okay, now what?

Grapdelite 2:
Now, suppose you want grapes tomorrow.

Robbie:
Well, I'll go the market and get some.

Grapdelite 2:
But those were all the grapes in the world.

Robbie:
Well, then I'll have to eat something else.

Grapdelite 1:
Oh, well, you rule the world.

Grapdelite 2:
A world without grapes.

Robbie:
So you're saying that if we eat them all, there won't be anymore.

Grapdelite 1:
I think he understands...

Robbie:
Ha! I can stretch that to 500 words easy!

Grapdelite 1:
Or maybe he doesn't..

Robbie:
You guys can help me with my homework everyday, or at least until Mom and Dad's anniversary.

[B.P. Richfield overhears Earl having Grapdelites for his 20th anniversary and orders him to come to his office]

Earl:
You wanted to see me, my captain?

B.P. Richfield:
I hear you got your 20th anniversary coming up, Sinclair!

Earl:
How suspiciously cordial of you to take an interest, sir.

B.P. Richfield:
And the wife's probably lookin' forward to that Grapdelite dinner, right?

Earl:
I'm sure she is, sure.

B.P. Richfield:
Yeah, a little wine, candlelight, and those Grapdelites gonna taste so sweet and satisfyin'! Mmm-mmm! You and the wife will probably look each other in the eye and tell each other how very much in love you still are, and who knows? Maybe you'll take a little trip upstairs and... [they both crack up laughing until Richfield bangs his desk, resuming his serious mood] THAT'S NOT HAPPENIN'!!!!

Earl:
It's not?

B.P. Richfield:
I WANT THOSE GRAPDELITES!!!

Earl:
What?!

B.P. Richfield:
They're my favorite food, Sinclair! Everybody's out of'em, you got'em, I want'em! You don't give'em to me, I'm gonna bite off your head!

Earl:
B-b-b-but I can't give them to your, sir. They're for my wife. If she didn't get them, she'd be very unhappy.

B.P. Richfield:
How much is your wife's happiness worth to you, Sinclair?

Earl:
Well, I see what you're getting at there, sir... uh, Mr. Richfield, but no amount of money is worth taking this away from my wife. My wife's happiness means the world to me.

B.P. Richfield:
Here's $50.

Earl:
It's a small world after all. But with all due respect, you know, there is the matter of my own personal dignity, sir. You only get one 20th anniversary, and if I sell you by Grapdelites, how much is my personal dignity worth?

B.P. Richfield:
I got another $23 for your personal dignity.

Earl:
That should cover it. [takes the money] And what about my self-respect?

B.P. Richfield:
I think we've taken care of that.

[Robbie comes back from school in a bad mood]

Robbie:
[to the Grapdelites] Thanks for everything. I got an F. [throws his notebook close to the Grapdelites]

Grapdelite 2:
Oh, careful!

Robbie:
Oh, sorry. I didn't see you.

Grapdelite 1:
He seems distressed.

Grapdelite 2:
I hope it's nothing we've done.

Robbie:
"Why dinosaurs ruled the Earth?" And I wrote a whole essay about what you guys said about how we're too wise to eat all the grapes. Look what the teacher wrote. [shows the Grapdelites his paper]

Grapdelite 1:
"There'll always be more grapes. That's what 'more' means."

Grapdelites:
An F?!

Grapdelite 2:
But just because the teacher doesn't understand doesn't mean you failed.

Grapdelite 1:
Oh, no!

Robbie:
Stanly Kravitz got an A.

Grapdelite 1:
Well, what did he write?

Robbie:
He wrote, "Because we're big." That was my answer! I had the right answer, and I let you guys talk me out of it! Why did I let you talk me out of it?

Grapdelite 2:
Because it's wrong.

Robbie:
Yeah, but the teacher thinks it's right.

Grapdelite 1:
Well, what if the teacher's wrong?

Robbie:
Yeah, right. "What if the teacher's wrong?" I tried that on my parents all the time and it never works. Anyway, the teacher said there would be enough grapes and there would always be enough of everything, then she called me a radical!

Grapdelite 1:
But there's not gonna be always enough of everything?

Robbie:
Ah, leave me alone. I already flunked once, and that's what I get for letting food do my homework.

[the Grapdelites gasp]

Grapdelite 1:
Robbie, we're the last two grapes!

Robbie:
What?!

Grapdelite 2:
That's why they can't find anymore of us, they're aren't any.

Grapdelite 1:
We're the last of our kind.

Robbie:
How can that be?

Grapdelite 2:
Because we're delicious. [Robbie and the Grapdelites chuckle]

Robbie:
My parents are gonna eat you tomorrow night and there won't be anymore of you at all!

Grapdelite 2:
Oh, boy. What a blow to your teacher.

Robbie:
You guys should try to escape or something.

Grapdelite 1:
No, no, we need to help you with your paper.

Grapdelite 2:
It's very important.

Grapdelite 1:
Yes, very.

Robbie:
But this is your last night on Earth. Forget the paper! The assignment is over!

Grapdelite 2:
No, it's not. Not if you don't the answer yet.

Grapdelite 1:
No, no. Here, Robbie. Try it again.

Robbie:
Alright.

Grapdelite 1:
Now, why do dinosaurs rule the Earth?

Robbie:
Why?

Earl:
Robbie!

Grapdelite 1:
That's your father!

Grapdelite 2:
Happy anniversary!

Robbie:
Shh! [hides the Grapdelites under a blanket]

Earl:
[steps into the room] Robbie, give me the Grapdelites.

Fran:
Earl, Monica needs a job, and there's going to be an opening down at work, right?

Earl:
Right.

Fran:
So...

Earl:
So? So? Fran, will you stop talking in riddles?

Fran:
I want you to take Monica to work and get her interview with Mr. Richfield.

Earl:
A female tree-pusher? You can't be serious! It's ludicrous! I'd be a laughingstock!

Earl:
Mr. Richfield?

B.P. Richfield:
What?!

Earl:
There's someone I'd like you to meet.

B.P. Richfield:
[looks out the window of his trailer and sees Monica] Well, you brought me a female, eh, Sinclair?

Earl:
Well, I, uh...

B.P. Richfiend:
That's mighty nice, but I already got a wife. Nice gesture, though.

Earl:
Oh, thank you, but, she's here for the... [very quickly] tree-pusher job.

B.P. Richfield:
[jumps in shock] WHAT?! A FEMALE TREE-PUSHER?! YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!! IT'S LUDICROUS!! YOU'RE A LAUGHINGSTOCK!!

Earl:
Just as I predicted! So, should I tell her to go away?

B.P. Richfield:
It's too late now. We're an equal opportunity employer. We got strict guidelines about this sort of thing. We can't just send her away. [looks into manual] Let's see. Ah, here it is. "Interviewing a female obligate: smile a lot, compliment her handbag, then send her away."

Earl:
Well, she can't ask for more than that.

[As Monica has her interview with B.P. Richfield]

B.P. Richfield:
My, that's a lovely handbag.

Monica:
Excuse me?

B.P. Richfield:
I was just complimentin' your handbag.

Monica:
I don't have a handbag. I don't have hands.

B.P. Richfield:
Well, then, let me compliment your lovey... [Earl points to Monica's necklace] Neck! [Earl makes a small sign] Small. Neck-small. My, my, that's a lovely neck-small.

Monica:
[a bit offended] Thank you.

[Earl points to his ears]

B.P. Richfield:
Uh, sounds like a... [Earl points to himself] Moron? [Earl groans in frustration] WHAT?!?

Earl:
Necklace!

B.P. Richfield:
Necklace! Necklace! M-m-my, that's a lovely necklace!

Monica:
Excuse me, but what does my necklace have to do with getting this job?

B.P. Richfield:
It's just that you're such a dainty little thing, and tree-pushin' requires such strength, and a large degree of technical knowledge.

Monica:
I'm sure it's way over my head, but hypothetically, will I be knocking down trees like those outside?

B.P. Richfield:
Aw, come on! I already said you have a nice necklace, now take it own outta here!

Monica:
Oh! [shakes her head, causing the entire trailer to shake]

B.P. Richfield:
When can ya start?

[Monica easily knocks down a tree]

Al "Sexual" Harris:
Well, that's not bad, but you left a few of the roots there, sweetheart. Now, if you wanna get somewhere in this job, you gotta be willing to go all the way, if we're on the same track.

Monica:
I beg your pardon?

Al "Sexual" Harris:
Well, I'm just sayin' if you wanna make points with the foreman, it's gonna take a lot of late nights, if you hear what I'm sayin'.

Monica:
Let's just confine our comments to the job!

Al "Sexual" Harris:
Now, now, just relax, you're too tense. Whadya say we go out for a few brews, and later on I'll jump on your scales and you can tell me how much I weigh, if you know what I mean.

Monica:
No!

Al "Sexual" Harris:
What do you mean no?!

Monica:
I mean no! I'm not interested! I find the things you talk about personally offensive, and I hope this doesn't interfere with my being able to work here.

[during the hearing]

Mr. Otto Lynch:
I have over a hundred witnesses that will testify that for the past 22 years, you have in fact been a prostitute!

Monica:
I have not!

Mr. Otto Lynch:
Oh, sorry. My mistake, everyone here the word prostitute?

Ethyl:
I can't believe they use that kind of language on television. Don't they know that kids are watching?

Fran:
Mother, this is an important real-life event. This will make the kids think.

Ethyl:
I don't want the kids to think. I want the kids to watch safe little situation comedies, with time-tested repetitive storylines.

Mr. John Wolfe:
You're obviously a very attractive female. Would you please describe for us what your were wearing in the time of the incident? Was it seductive or revealing?

Monica:
It was a hardhat and a work shirt, and I don't appreciate the insinuation that I somehow asked for this type of behavior.

Mr. John Wolfe:
I'm insinuating no such thing. Now, could you please describe for us in detail what kind of underwear you have on at the moment?

Monica:
I don't understand how that's relevant.

Mr. John Wolfe:
Well, ma'am, if you understood the relevancy of it, you'd be a male!

[the chairmen crack up laughing]

Mr. Mason Dixon:
Look, sweet cheeks, ain't this whole thing a part of some twisted sexual fantasy of yours? A fantasy that might also include being alone on a deserted island? Yes, yes... One with scores of scantily-clad young females and they're smearin' marmalade all over ya and...

B.P. Richfield:
Mr. Dixon!

Mr. Mason Dixon:
Could I have a moment please?

[Earl has been sworn in to read a fake speech in order to discredit Monica]

Earl:
[reading the speech] "And let that be known that Foreman Harris is a great guy. Monica's been a troublemaker as long as I've known, and I'm pretty sure she cheats on her taxes. Stop here, look up, smile." [does exactly what the paper says]

B.P. Richfield:
Thank you for your candor, Mr. Sinclair.

Earl:
Oh, and another thing: I don't see why she ever needed a job. A female's place is in the home, taking orders from her husband. In the Sinclair household, when I say jump, my wife says how high. [realizes Fran is standing behind him] Hi!

Fran:
I watched on TV what you said about Monica, and it's not the Monica I know. She's an honest, responsible individual who would never mislead anybody.

Mr. Otto Lynch:
And we'd like to believe your testimony, Mrs. Sinclair. However, I have evidence that when you were just a young girl, you lived with this older man! [shows a picture of a male dinosaur] Without benefit of marriage!

Fran:
That's my father!

[Earl dons a fake glasses and mustache]

Mr. Mason Dixon:
All the more disgusting!

Earl:
[in a German accent] Fran, is this true?

Fran:
Are you all insane?!

Mr. Otto Lynch:
Oh, it gets worse, Mrs. Sinclair. I also have a picture of you sitting on his lap!

[Fran facepalms and groans in frustration]