Doug, Season 1

Doug:
How did I get into this mess?

Mr. Dink:
Very expensive.

Doug:
Dear Journal, hi, it's me, Doug.

Roger:
Sayonara, suckers!

Mr. Bone:
This is going on your permanent record!

Skeeter:
Hey Doug! Honk-honk!

Doug:
[whenever someone calls his journal a diary] It's a JOURNAL!

Doug:
That's me... Hey!

Roger:
Joey Cucamonga! (only said once in the Nickelodeon series)

Mayor White:
Vote for me!

Mr. Dink:
Say, Tippy. Wanna shag some balls?

[Doug is writing in his journal.]

Doug:
Dear Diary, it's me... Doug. The school dance felt like it happened a long time ago, but I remember it like it was only yesterday. It all began...well, this afternoon!

Roger:
Trying on your costume for the big dance tonight? What are you? A pile of manure?!

Doug:
I'm a slug.

Mr. Dink:
Do you remember the first time I asked you to dance?

Mrs. Dink:
Yes, dear.

Mr. Dink:
And do you remember what you said?

Mrs. Dink:
Yes. 'Go away and leave me alone.'

Mr. Dink:
Oh, you do remember! But you finally said 'yes' at our senior prom! As I recall, I swept you right off your feet.

Mrs. Dink:
And into the refreshment table.

Mr. Dink:
Still, wasn't that hospital really nice?

Patti:
Great costume. You make a wonderful slug.

Doug:
[flustered while trying to explain his science fair project to Patti] Well... uh... uh... the reason the lava keeps shooting up into the air is... because I... love you.

Patti:
Huh??

Doug:
I mean... above you. The sparks go above you.

[A fantasy sequence]

Ms. Wingo:
Now, class, does anyone know what the Sixth Article of the Constitution says? ... Patti?

Patti:
The Sixth Article of the Constitution states the courts shall have the power to punish anyone who covers the science lab with molten lava.

Ms. Wingo:
And do we know anyone like that?

Class:
[turning and pointing in unison at Doug, who is crouched at the side of his desk] IT'S HIM!

Doug:
[jumping on top of his desk and putting a rose in his mouth] You'll never get... wa na na... Jack Bandit! [swings across classroom on a rope, and before escaping out the window, tosses his rose to Patti, who catches it]

Patti:
[dreamily] What a guy!

[After jumping out the window, Jack lands in the arms of a police officer]

Mr. Bone:
[through megaphone] Funnie! This is goin' on your permanent record!

Patti:
Jack! You've got to escape!

Doug:
[rolling out of policeman's arms] So long, suckers!!!

[Back to reality. Doug has just fallen out of bed and Porkchop licks him awake.]

Doug:
[narrating] It seemed as if my only chance was to go on the lam.

Doug:
On second thought, I think I better just draw a map. It's a lot safer.

Mr. Funnie:
Look out, Bluffington, the Funnie family has arrived!

[The population sign changes from 19,997 to 20,001 people.]

Doug:
Population 20,001. I guess the one is... me!

Doug:
I hope Skeeter and me become best friends- [Porkchop begins growling] -best humans friends!

Roger:
I'll catch one that'll make that 'neematoad' look like a 'neematadpole'!

Mr. Dink:
So, Douglas, did you find the Honker Burger? Or did you just starve to death?

Doug:
I'm Doug. Funnie. I didn't catch yours.

Roger:
That's because I didn't throw it!

[Approaches Honker Burger Register]

Doug:
Hi, I'd like three double cheeseburgers, one all the way, one no pickles, one no onions, a fish sandwich, four large fries and four grape sodas.

Honker Burger Lady:
What on Earth are you trying to say?

Doug:
What do you mean?

Honker Burger Lady:
I can't understand you.

Doug:
Listen, my family is starving....

[Skeeter arrives]

Skeeter:
Yo, man, let me take care of this. The new kid wants three moo cows, one no cukes, one no stinkers, one wet one, four cubers, and four from the vine. Want anything else?

Doug:
Well, how do you order a salad from the salad bar?

Skeeter:
One salad from the salad bar.

Skeeter:
Wow, I've never seen a vegetarian dog before!

Doug:
It's just a phase.

Mr. Dink:
This is my wife, Tippy. Most people call her Mrs. Dink. I usually call her on a telephone!

Mrs. Dink:
Who writes your material, dear?

Judy:
The air is electric with fragrance of this new venture. What's that smell? [realizes the smell is cow manure] Ooh... give me strength!

Doug:
Dad, can you try to dodge the bumps? I'm getting ink blots on my journal.

Dad:
That's a big ten-four, buddy!