Duckman, Season 1

Duckman:
All right, that's it! I've had it! For all the response I get around here, I might as well be invisible! [starts fading away] I know your mother died. I know she left you and the house to your sister, but I still live here! I'm still the man of the house, and demand to be heard! To be recognized! To be... [fades; Grandma-ma farts]

Duckman:
I don't get it. I break for animals if they're big enough to dent my car. I don't pop any zits above the eye line. I treat others the way I'd like to be treated.

Duckman:
My own family ignores me, and who can blame them? There's nothing special about me, nothing unique. I'm just one more duck detective who works with a pig and lives with the twin sister of his dead wife, three sons in two bodies, and a comatose mother-in-law who's got so much gas, she's a fire hazard.

Cornfed:
It's the dream again, Duckman. You're letting it win. I know. I used to have a recurring dream. I dream I fell and hit my head on a fishbowl. Hurt myself just bad enough to work the graveyard shift at a convenience store. A group of Hare Krishnas always came in at 4 a.m. and bought 16 gallons of Mr. Slushi and a package of banana flavored Ding Dongs. Then the Swedish Bikini Team jumped out of a magazine and read Moby-Dick to me inside a giant carton of cottage cheese. "Why?" I'd ask myself. "What could it mean? Am I mad? Or is the world just a mystery too complex to understand?"

Duckman:
You hear that, Cornfed? I'm not special. Even my own killer doesn't think so. [Cornfed whacks his face]

Cornfed:
Get ahold of yourself, Duckman.

Duckman:
It's true, Cornfed. I'm just like that bomber, I... I lost my identity when I lost my wife.

Cornfed:
But you still have something he doesn't, remember?

Duckman:
His chainsaw?

Cornfed:
Your children. You're still the only father they have. That makes you special. No one else could've created the family that you did. [beat] I mean that in a good way.

Duckman:
Oh, what's the point? Their own mother didn't think I was up to raising them, [slumps on Beatrice's gravestone] and maybe I'm not. Maybe that's why they ignore me. Beatrice made me a better person. Without her here to help, I'm... I'm just not a very good father.

Cornfed Pig:
Things sure have changed over the years.

Duckman:
[tearing up] I miss her. You know, tomorrow would have been our wedding anniversary. I forgot. I guess I blocked it out. [He wipes a tear away] It's the first one I've had to spend without her.

Cornfed:
That may explain the way you've been feeling lately.

Duckman:
I'll bet those mindless pod people who believe in that thing still wait up for the tooth fairy!

Fluffy:
Why shouldn't they?

Duckman:
Because he's rotting in a Turkish jail! Will you hurry up with those disguises? Four of those mindless pod people are my family!

Uranus:
Okay, Mr. Duckman, but may I say I don't think you should just dismiss the notions of miracles.

Fluffy:
It's a miracle every time a new leaf grows, every time a newborn baby cries...

Duckman:
[kicks Fluffy into a paper shredder] Every time you shut up and do what I tell ya! Now, turn me into one of those art world freakos or you're next!

Uranus:
[chuckles nervously] When you are in a hurry...

[the first disguise is Salvador Dali, complete with a melting watch]

Duckman:
Nope. [the next disguise is a piece of abstract art similar to that of Pablo Picasso] Uh-uh. [the final disguise is Vincent van Gogh] Who's this supposed to be?

Cornfed:
I'm guessing, but I think it's a highly misunderstood painter whose rhythmic linear brushstrokes were an arrogant break from the old masters, and it was so desperate for a unique artistic identity that he was trapped in a hellish downward spiral of hostility, madness and self-mutilation.

Duckman:
The beard's cool, let's do it. What about your disguise? [Cornfed opens his fang-filled mouth wide] GRAHH!! Who are you supposed to be?!! [Cornfed takes off fang dentures]

Cornfed:
Your agent.

Duckman:
[driving from the hospital] Cornfed... do you think I'm attractive? [Cornfed pauses]

Cornfed:
...Sorry, Duckman. I don't date people I work with.

Duckman:
No spam for brains, do ya think there's anything wrong with my bill?!

Cornfed:
You mean the fact that it curves to one side, the nostrils don't match, it's covered with nicotine stains, acne, scars, varicose veins, and it whistles when you chew? [he turns to Duckman for a beat] I mean, no. Nothing I can see.

Beatrice:
You have kidney stones older than her.

Duckman:
Come here chicken and prepare to meet your colonel.

Duckman:
Your washed up, dont be suprised if MTV Unplugged starts calling.

Duckman:
Bunch of dead-skin no-humor pansies! You tell 'em an icebreaker or two about women's libbers, gays, environmentalists, several minorities, the homeless, couple of religions, anorexics, obese people, the handicapped, old farts, baldness, and people who walk real goofy 'cause they just had a vasectomy, and suddenly they get all sensitive, like I offended one of them or something! Makes you wonder why they asked me to talk in the first place!

Duckman:
The reason people come to the Duckman Detective Agency is Duckman, not Cornfed!

Uranus:
[over intercom] Phonecall for Mr. Cornfed.

Fluffy:
Fax for Mr. Cornfed.

Uranus:
Carrier pigeon for Mr. Cornfed.

Fluffy:
Semaphore for Mr. Cornfed.

Uranus:
Smoke signals for Mr. Cornfed.

Duckman:
[shouts out the window] CORNFED DOESN'T WORK HERE ANYMORE!!!

Indian Chief:
Hmm, let's try him at home. [picks up a phone and dials Cornfed's number]

Duckman:
What are you bothering me with that stuff for?! I told ya - he's gone! Fired! He was nothing but a big pink weight on my shoulders, and we're better off without him!

Fluffy:
If you say so...

Uranus:
How's the case going without him?

Duckman:
Case? What case? Oh right, the case! I was just about to put it to bed. [chuckles] Along with the client.

Fluffy:
Hmm. The kind of joke he'd probably enjoy telling when Cornfed was around.

Duckman:
Hey, maybe it's time for you two hairballs to do something around here besides irritating the hell outta me!

Fluffy:
You want our help?!

Uranus:
On a case?!

Duckman:
I'll start with a couple questions, not that I don't already know the answers. I do. I just wanna, you know, see how you're thinking. Suppose you're the chairman of a large--

Uranus:
Uh-uh-uh-uh. Chair person.

Duckman:
Suppose you're the chair person of a large corporation that makes meat on a stick.

Fluffy:
Oh, Mr. Duckman! We couldn't support the killing of animals for food!

Uranus:
Nor the senseless slaughter of trees for sticks!

Duckman:
Okay... You're the chair people of a large, environmentally friendly corporation that produces wholesome apples. Now! You're supposed to prove that someone died of natural causes. What would you do?

Fluffy:
Are the apple free-range, or are they grown in captivity?

[Duckman throws Fluffy and Uranus out the window, who then land on the street and get run over by a streetsweeper]

Duckman:
Did I ever tell you my dad's last words to me?

Cornfed:
Mm-hmm -- "Careful, son, I don't think the safety's on."

Duckman:
Before that!

Duckman:
(holding sign) I Promise Not to Jump Out At A Red Light And Abduct Your Children For $$$$$

Duckman (runs into biker bar and trips on bottle into a biker)

Biker:
Watch it jerk.

Duckman:
Who you calling jerk you Long haired, Fat Bellied, Goofy Tattoo'd 60's Villager Wannabe Biker freak?

Duckman:
Shouldn't you be be out revving your engines really loud while people are trying to sleep or weaving in and out of traffic with complete disregard for the safety of others? Or beating up hippies at a free rock concert?

Bernice:
Little bubbly?

Duckman:
I know it's the water jets plus that dam digestive problem of mine. I..mm.. you didn't mean the water did ya?

Duckman:
Hummana Hummana Howwa

Vanessa La Pert:
Very impressive Mr. Duckman, but why are you telling me in Cherokee that you have raccoons in your pants?

Duckman:
It looks a lot worse than it actually is.

Cornfed:
Not unlike nipple clamps.

[The door knocks]

Bernice:
Who is it?

Ajax:
Ajax

Bernice:
You don't have to knock here, You can just come in here.

Ajax:
I knew there was one house I could do that at.