Everybody Loves Raymond, Season 1

Ray:
Okay, alright, I'm gonna ask you quickly and quietly to move to your nearest exit.

Debra:
How did he ever become a police sergeant?

Ray:
Cause he's a good cop, and they didn't make him count. Or eat.

Ray:
Listen, Ma, I want to talk about Debra's birthday...

Marie:
My god, talk about birthdays. Your birthday gift to me finally came this morning. Did you know they sent me a box of pears?

Ray:
Yeah.

Marie:
From a place called "Fruit Of The Month"?

Ray:
That's right, how are they?

Marie:
They're very nice pears. But, there are so many of them. There are over a dozen pears. What am I supposed to do with all those pears?

Ray:
I think you're supposed to eat them.

Marie:
Myself?

Ray:
You and Dad and Robert.

Marie:
How many pears can Robert eat? I appreciate the thought, but please, don't ever send us any more fruit again. Thanks.

Ray:
Another box is coming next month.

Marie:
What??!! More pears??!!

Ray:
No, it's a different fruit every month.

Marie:
Every month??!!

Ray:
Yes, that's why it's called "Fruit Of The Month" Club.

Marie:
It's a club??!! Oh, my god! What do I do with all this fruit?

Ray:
Most people like it, Ma, they share it with their friends.

Marie:
Which friends?

Ray:
I don't know. Lee and Stan?

Marie:
Lee and Stan buy their own fruit. Why did you do this to me? I can't talk, there's too much fruit in the house.

[Frank walks in.]

Marie:
[to Frank] Do you know the fruit keeps coming, month after month? [pointing at Ray] He's got us in some kind of a cult.

Ray:
It's not a cult, it's a club.

Frank:
What do you mean, month after month? For how long?

Ray:
A year.

Frank:
My god, are you out of your mind? What do you think we are? Invalids? We can't go out and get our own fruit?

Marie:
I tried to tell him.

Ray:
Alright, I'll cancel the Fruit Club.

Frank:
Marie--

Marie:
I can't talk! There's too much fruit in the house!

Ray:
Let's see, when I proposed you were 23. You said no.

Debra:
Right.

Ray:
Then I proposed; you were 24

Ray & Debra:
No again.

Ray:
Right, then I took a year off to regroup then I came back with a job; BOOM, married. That would make you 32----ish.

Robert:
When did he get this?

Marie:
Oh, that's an award your brother got for his sports-column.

Robert:
Never ends for Raymond...

Marie:
Oh, poor Robbie.

Robert:
Everybody loves Raymond. I go to work people shoot at me, Ray goes to work and people do the wave. Then he sits down, has a hotdog, doodles on a piece of paper and they give him a trophy.

Marie:
I've got baking soda! I smelled something questionable in the fridge.

Ray:
From across the street?

Marie:
No, when I was here yesterday. Oh, It's worse!

Ray:
Time to leave, Dad. Buckle up... What're you doing?

Frank:
[sniffing the twins' heads] I'm sucking the youth!

[Later]

Debra:
The twins' heads smell like Old Spice. Your dad was here. Sucking the youth.

Ray:
Why don't you go out with Linda tomorrow?

Debra:
And leave the kids with your parents?

Ray:
No, I'll do the kids.

Debra:
Pffff...

Ray:
I can do it. What about the time when you went to your aunt's for three days?

Debra:
I took the kids with me!

Ray:
Yeah, but I fed myself.

Marie:
But where is Debra?

Ray:
She went to the movies with Linda.

Marie:
The movies? Some people get to live it up.

Ray:
Hey, look at this, Cal Ripken signed my hat!

Debra:
Oh that's great, look at this, Gregory spit up on my shirt.

Ray:
I'm not trading.

Ray:
Are you ok?

Debra:
I'm fine.

Ray:
Uh oh, fine is bad. What is it? What's the matter?

Debra:
Nothing.

Ray:
Nothing...nothing is worse!

Debra:
I love you

Ray:
...And I you

[Debra walks off]

Ray:
Debra! DEBRA!

Ally:
STELLA!

Frank:
[to Marie and Robert] This love stuff....we never mention it again.

Ray:
Oh, now I don't love you?

Debra:
You don't say it.

Ray:
I do.

Debra:
No, you don't.

Ray:
I do!

Debra:
When do you say it?

Ray:
WITH MY EYES!

Ray:
Listen dad, when was the last time you said I love you to someone?

Frank:
What? Do you live in a freaking fairyland?

Marie:
When we first got married, I said "I love you" all the time.

Frank:
When? When did you say it?

Marie:
I said it all the time!

Ray:
Were you in my office, mom?

Marie:
Yeah I was trying to get a pen to do the crossword puzzles. You know, your desk drawer is locked.

Debra and Ray:
Yeah, we lock it now. It keeps the kids out.

Marie:
Oh, that's a good idea! I broke a knife in it.

Robert:
You know that shampoo that says "no more tears" on the bottle? There's tears.

Waitress:
Extra sauce!

Bernie:
She's the saucy one.

Waitress:
And the assorted fried cheeses plate.

Ray:
He's the fat one!

Ray:
Hey, that's tongue. I thought you were a vegetarian.

Ray:
[on the phone] Yea, I miss you too. Okay, yea, I'll see you tomorrow. And honey, I love you. Good, well, get used to it because I'm gonna say it all the time. Okay. Now give the phone to mommy.

Frank:
Ray, I've got some news. I don't know the best way to break this... Your great-uncle Gus, dead!

Ray:
Oh, no I liked him.

Robert:
Yeah me too... Hey nuts!(referring to a bowl of nuts on the table)

Frank:
He wants you to deliver his eulogy

Ray:
Why? I hardly knew the guy.

Frank:
It was his dying wish.

Robert:
Even dead people love Raymond.

Alda:
What's your problem Marie? I can't even say a word without you topping me.

Marie:
I can't help it, you're easily topped!

Marie:
You never even sent a gift.

Alda:
My gift was that I came at all.

Marie:
What kind of a horse's ass gift is that?

Alda:
You'd be lucky to have a horse's ass!

[Ally drew a mustache on Jeffrey]

Frank:
Can Hitler have a juice-box?

Debra:
Hey, do you know what I think is really sexy?

Ray:
What?

Debra:
A man who does the dishes.

Ray:
No, does nothing for me... Do you know what does it for me? A woman who does the dishes... with another woman!

Ray:
Some funeral, huh?

Debra:
Yeah.

Ray:
Wanna do it?

Ray:
Hi, I'm Ray. I'm here to talk about... Gus Barone.

Robert:
Haaaaarrrr!!!

Ray:
Thank you.

Ray:
You know I read somewhere where the happiest marriages are the ones where the man is smarter.

Debra:
Oh, guess who wrote that...

[Ray puts away tax papers and sits next to Debra]

Debra:
You promised you'd get this done!

Ray:
That's not the point. The point is that... I will rub your feet!

Debra:
You gotta, you gotta get this done.

[Ray pulls off Debra's socks and starts rubbing her bare feet]

Ray:
Don't worry, in fact the whole idea of rubbing feet makes me sick.

Debra:
Just shut up and rub.

[Ray continues to massage her feet, but starts tickling them as well]

Debra:
That's not rubbing, that's tickling!

[Robert walks in]

Robert:
Glad to see you're not busy.

[Ray is still caressing Debra's bare feet]

Ray:
What makes you think we're not busy, Rob?

Debra:
There's more than one kind of intelligence Ray.

Frank:
That's right. There's STREET SMARTS!

[Debra smashes a bowl of ice cream into Ray's lap]

Ray:
Mmm, fudgey.

[Andy is staring at Angelina, the attractive waitress.]

Andy:
So, Angelina, how are you?

Angelina:
Did you want something?

Andy:
No, thanks. I just thought we could talk.

Bernie:
[Angelina walks away] Ahh, did you smell her?

Ray:
No, I read the sign Bernie, "Thank You for not smelling the help."

Bernie:
Oh, man look at her. If I wasn't married, do you know what I'd do?

Ray:
You'd wear the same underwear every day.

Frank:
Hello, ladies!

Ray:
What are you doing here?

Frank:
Hehehe, I came to check out the new waitress.

Ray:
Oh god.

Angelina:
Hello, will you be staying for lunch?

Frank:
Holy Crap! Uh....yes, I will, thank you.

[Marie thinks Ray might have an affair with Angelina, the attractive waitress]

Debra:
Marie, I'm not worried. I trust Ray.

Marie:
Oh, I'm not worried about Raymond either, dear. I'm worried about that pizza parlor putana!

Ray:
[to Angelina] I'm sorry that was rude of me. This is Debra, the little lady. I don't mean little in a size way, or that she doesn't matter. She's my lady. She's my great big lady.

Robert:
Michael threw his milk at me!

Frank:
Isn't that great? That could be my second story! The digest loves a naughty baby.

Debra:
Ray, Robert is still here.

Ray:
Hey, Robert! What are you doing here?

Robert:
I had a suspicion I needed to confirm.

Debra:
Robert, what's wrong?

Robert:
I don't think Michael loves me anymore.

Debra:
What are you talking about?

Robert:
He's not like Geoffrey, he seems standoffish.

Ray:
You do know Michael is a baby, right?

Robert:
Just a feeling. Cop's instinct. He wants nothing to do with me.

[Ray and Debra are going over their bills.]

Debra:
According to this, we can afford a car phone.

Ray:
No. No car phone.

Debra:
Why? Why do you fight technology?

Ray:
I'm against technology?

Debra:
Yeah.

Ray:
Who introduced you to Wonderbra?

Ray:
All three kids asleep. You thought I couldn't get Ally to take a nap.

Debra:
Good job, honey.

Ray:
Yeah. By the way, tomorrow we have to buy a pony.

Debra:
Would you look at this great big stain here? The carpet guy swore up and down that he could get it out.

Ray:
I don't want to hear about stains. The kids are asleep, the house is quiet. Now it's quality time. Just me and you.

[Ray starts reading the newspaper.]

Debra:
You better be looking at jewelry ads.

[Marie barges into the house.]

Marie:
Your father has finally done it.

Ray:
What's that, learned to buckle his pants?

Frank:
I've got the complete works of Arnold Schwarzenegger, except the one where he gets pregnant.

Debra:
Where's Frank?

Ray:
By now he's probably taping the toilet seat so he never has to flush.

Debra:
Ray! She's in there chiseling my head stone!

Debra:
[To Ray, about Marie] Anything she cooks for me you're tasting first.

Ray:
You hear that?

Debra:
No, I don't hear anything.

Ray:
That’s the sound of all our clothes being refolded.

Frank:
It's the celery that makes "tuna salad" tuna salad. What you gave me was tuna slop!

Frank:
I can be sweet....it takes people time to discover that.

Debra:
Robert, just do what I do; tell him you're tired and he'll climb off.

Lois:
So, how are things going with you, Robert?

Robert:
Well, you know, one day you're rescuing a puppy, the next you're fishing a skull out of a toilet.

Ray:
These people shouldn't be at the same table together. They shouldn't be in the same state!

Debra:
You lost $2300 to your father?!?!

Ray:
Relax, alright? We're gonna get the money back.

Debra:
How?

Ray:
When he dies.

[Robert interrogates Ray and Frank for illegally gambling]

Ray:
What the hell are you doing?

Robert:
"Good Cop/Bad Cop". It's just taking a little longer because there's only one of me.

Marie:
You're giving him back that money!

Frank:
Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. Play with fire, you're going to get burned.

[Waves check in front of Raymond]

Frank:
AND ALWAYS, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!

Frank:
You're not talking to me?

Marie:
Nope.

Frank:
[smiling] I just keep winning.

Marie:
This is for you.

Debra:
Ahh. But I thought Frank said...

Marie:
No, he doesn't know anything about that. This is my money.

Debra:
You have money?

Marie:
Oh... My father, oh, such a wise man. On my wedding day, he took me aside, gave me $200, and said, "Here". This is if you come to your senses and leave Frank.

Debra:
Wow. My dad only gave me fifty.

Ray:
For the last time I'm not taking the money. I lost it, that's all. I'm a big boy alright? If I take the money what kind of message does that send to my kids? That no matter what happened you can go to your father and he'll make everything ok?

Frank:
You're right. You're right.

Ray:
What, what am I right about?

Frank:
You should be able to go to your father, and he should be able to make it ok. [Gives Ray his money back]

Frank:
So Ray, you feel like a winner?

Ray:
Not really.

Ally:
My teacher says they had fish at the first Thanksgiving.

Ray:
Yeah, well, people were stupid then, sweetie!

Debra:
Look, Ray, we want to start our own tradition, and Ally wants it to be like the first Thanksgiving.

Ray:
Well, why don't we have some smallpox then, too?

Ray:
You want me to convince my parents to come here, and my sales pitch is, "mmm, mmm, fish!"

Ray:
I got the last of the baking powder. I had to fight two old ladies to get it.

Debra:
What did you do?

Ray:
Nothing I'm proud of.

Ray:
Debra, calm down. You're reacting to missing squash like the time we left Ally at the mall!

Debra:
I can't compete with your mother's turkey Ray, the woman has giblets in her blood!

Ray:
My mom is such a great cook. Thanksgiving, that's kinda what makes my mom...worth it.

Frank:
[Looking at the TV] What the hell is this crap?

Warren:
That's soccer. Frank, only in America is football the game that you're familiar with. In many countries, when people refer to football, they actually mean soccer!

Frank:
In many countries people eat cats.

Uncle Mel:
My god! That fish smell is like a....a punch in the face.

Marie:
Where do you want me to put this turkey?

Debra:
I'll tell you where you can put it...

Debra's Mother:
You want some yams?

Uncle Mel:
No, I hate yams.

Ally:
[dressed up as a yam] You hate yams?

Debra:
Aw, honey, he doesn't hate ALL yams.

Uncle Mel:
Yes, I do, I hate them, they're very binding!

Ally:
Mommy, that man over there is smoking!

Dave:
Narc!

Ally:
Good morning, Mommy.

Debra:
Hi, honey. Where's Daddy?

Ally:
In the shower singing. He's terrible!

Debra:
You know I gave up some stuff when we had kids.

Ray:
I know...did it have to be sex?

Marie:
Why do you insist on making this car wreck our Christmas tree every year? I want a real tree.

Frank:
An artificial tree saves water, saves the forest, and saves the planet. I'm a conservationist.

Marie:
You're cheap.

Frank:
Alright, I'm saving money.

Debra:
Mommy is just wrestling daddy.

Ray:
Wait, Mickey Mantle didn't sign this ball? It isn't real?

Frank:
It's a real ball.

Marie:
What's the matter?

Ray:
Nothing, nothing's the matter.

Debra:
Oh nothing at all, except Ray was just about to tell Ally the truth about Santa Claus.

Marie:
You what?!?!

Ray:
NO, I didn't tell her.

Marie:
My own son, an atheist?!?!

[Robert enters dressed as Santa Claus]

Robert:
Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house! [to Ray] Ho, Ho, Ma told me what you did... nice.

Ray:
There are now. Come on, Robert--

Robert:
No, you have me mistaken for some other party for I am jolly old Saint Nick.

[Ally walks in]

Debra:
Look, Ally, it's Santa Claus.

Ally:
Santa?

Robert:
Yes, it is really I, and I came to see you Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. [to Ray] Unlike some other people. [in disgust] Ho ho ho ho ho.

Ray:
Hold the ho's, I want to talk to you for a minute.

Robert:
I'm sorry, I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Claus.

[Frank enters, dressed as Santa]

Frank:
Where's Ally?

[Frank notices Robert]

Frank:
Ho-ho-holy crap. What are you doing here?

Robert:
I'm Santa Claus.

Frank:
You're Santa?

Ray:
Okay, will you guys cut it out already. She's confused enough as it is.

Frank:
What's there to be confused about? I'm the real Santa! Who is this impostor?

Debra:
Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be Santa's helpers.

Frank:
Right! He's my helper. Helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?

Robert:
I bet you can't even name the reindeer.

Frank:
Rudolph! Donner, Blitzen... those are the main ones. We rotate them so they wear evenly. Cupid! Ajax! And... Lefty!

Robert:
Now we know the truth.

[Ally pulls off Robert's Santa beard]

Ally:
It's Uncle Robert!

Robert:
[in Santa voice] No, no. I have merely assumed the body of a life form suitable to you.

Ray:
Robert, you're Santa, not a Klingon.

Frank:
You mean that even though you know that ball's a fake it still means something to you?

Ray:
Yeah, yeah dad.

Frank:
Then this Christmas you're gonna love the Rolex I got you.

Marie:
Oooh, all of a sudden you have scruples.

Frank:
I have scruples Marie. I've got scruples the size of basketballs.

(Frank is showing off the birdhouse he built when he sees the video playing on the TV. He doesn't realize it's a video one of the neighbors shot of him on the porch naked)

Frank:
(chuckling salaciously) Hey, whoops...Porno party!

Raymond:
(grabbing the birdhouse and trying to distract Frank) Show me where this goes, put it up in the tree--

Frank:
(amused) Who's the fat-ass? (Marie knows)

Marie:
(mortified) Frank!

Frank:
(equally mortified) Holy crap...

Priest:
...There was a man on our church council a few years ago. A decent enough fellow but a little abrasive. Oblivious to anyone else's feelings. I used to fantasize about him converting to Judaism. I wanted to get him out of my hair. One day I said Frank...

Ray:
Wait, the man's name was Frank?

Priest:
That's not important. What's important is...

Ray:
Frank Barone?

Priest:
You know Frank Barone?!

Ray:
He's my father!

Priest:
Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?!

Ray:
Yes!!!

Priest:
You're absolved.

Ray:
What?

Priest:
Our Lord forgives your thoughts.

Ray:
Really?

Priest:
Well, I could look it up but I'm almost positive.

Ray:
So God made us smart enough to know there's an answer, but not smart enough to figure it out?

Robert:
(frustrated) "COME ON!!!"

Frank:
You want to know the meaning of life? You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. Canole....Marie