Family Guy, Season 16

Peter:
Family Guy has been around since 1999 and whenever it's time for the Emmys, they don't give us one. I'm sick of it.

Lois:
Well, I'm not making another episode with The Simpsons. What did that give us? I'll tell you what it got us. More ink for The Simpsons.

Peter:
Yeah. [reads newspapers] Simpsons plays down to competition, Simpsons step into the sewer, shame on you, Simpsons. [jealous] Those lucky bastards.

[Lois is reflected in the role of a delivery person as Sofía Vergara takes her place in an attempt to win an Emmy]

Lois:
[warning Peter as he shuts the door] Forget the freakin' Emmy. If you touch her ass, I'm...

[Stewie and Brian play the roles of Mitch and Cameron from Modern Family]

Stewie:
I think gender reassignment surgery is very brave and the fat man should win some kind of award for it.

Brian:
[correcting him] The fat woman.

Stewie:
He hasn't chopped it off yet.

Brian:
That doesn't matter. Peter already identifies as a woman.

Stewie:
And on Karaoke night, I identify as George Michael. That doesn't mean it's true.

[Tricia Takanawa plays the role of Lily Tucker-Pritchett from Modern Family]

Tricia Takanawa:
Daddies, I'm standing here, delivering my line with more emotion and less of a monotone than the actual Lily on Modern Family.

Peter:
You guys aren't supporting my choice?

Quagmire:
Well, what do you expect, Peter, I mean a sex change operation? Why are you doing this?

Peter:
I'll tell you why I'm doing all of this. For me. M E. M E. I'm doing it for Emm-my.

[Peter goes to the bathrooms at the Chinese restaurant, but doesn't understand the themed gender labels]

Peter:
Huh, samurai or geishas ... Which one am I? I'll just wait 'til somebody else goes in. [two Asian people with unidentifiable genders go into both bathrooms] Well, that wasn't helpful.

Anthropologie Store Owner:
Sir, sir, there's nothing possibly imagined, that's strange or useless enough, that we don't have it here at Anthropologie.

Peter:
I know the one thing you don't have: black customers.

(the store owner screams and melts)

[Peter watches two girls taking a dump, in the bathroom of a tennis club]

Peter:
Deuce.

Peter:
Look, this-- this right here-- is exactly why I've been avoiding you. I knew you'd embarrass me in front of Stryker.

Quagmire:
Who cares? He's just some dude.

Peter:
He's not just some dude. He happens to be the cool friend I've ever had!

Joe:
What are you talking about? We're cool.

Peter:
You are not cool.

Joe:
Oh, yeah? Well, then why did those teenagers on the way in say, "Cool wheelchair, dick"?

Quagmire:
Hey, look, Peter if you're so embarrassed by us and you think we're losers, well, then we don't want to hang out with you, either!

Peter:
Good! Who needs you bums? I got Stryker!

Quagmire:
Oh, yeah? Well, I hope you two are happy together, you jerk!

TV Announcer:
We now return to The Last Man on Earth, plus these other 16 people, with more showing up every day.

Peter:
Aw, no way they'll pull this off. A show with just one character and an unlimited number of other characters?

[Peter loudly plays a drum set]

Peter:
FYI, my mom's not picking me up for a long time, because... [performs a drum roll] She's dead!

Lois:
Peter, come down here

[All the goats come downstairs including Peter, who is secretly hidden in them]

[Peter peeks up to see Lois, unbeknownst to him, she sees him]

Peter:
[In goat voice], Lois is mad, go to the clam

[All the goats including Peter walk forward only to be stopped by Lois]

Lois:
I saw you Peter

Peter:
[In goat voice], go back

[All the goats including Peter go back]

[Peter gets a message on his phone]

Peter:
Oh, boy. Amber alert. Stewie was last seen with a goat in a 98 Toyota Tercel, heading north on I-95.

Carter:
How do you turn those off, by the way?

Natalia:
Next book, Everybody Poops... Blood.

Peter:
Give me two of those round balls of butter and a bread stick. You'll see where I'm heading with this. Okay, look, look, look. [makes a phallic shape with the food] Here's what you want. [bites the breadstick in half] Here's what you got.

Natalia:
No kissing. Under bed!

Carter:
You there!

Cleveland:
Me?

Carter:
No, the other black guy in shorts. Yes, you!

Cleveland:
I also have a fat, weird son. Would you like a hug?

Peter:
Yes, birthdays are the hardest.

Chris:
Grandpa only gave me a dollar?

Peter:
Chris, you write him a thank you note. That will is still wide open.

Drive-Thru Guy:
Welcome to McBurgertown, what can I get for you today?

Peter:
Hmm, what's the easiest thing to eat in the car? I'll have the huevos rancheros and an orange soda without the cap.

[Tom Tucker passes by Patty, Ruth, and Esther]

Tom Tucker:
What do we have, ... up, too young.

Peter:
Hi there, it's me, Peter. You know, when it comes to making dreams come alive, there used to be nothing like the movies. So we thought it would be fun to ask a few visionary Hollywood directors to create his...let's be honest, HIS, own unique version of the same Family Guy story, "Peter Gets Fired". Of the countless directors we contacted, three did not say "no" immediately.

[Brian tries to apologize for his extremely racist tweet to an offended angry mob]

Brian:
Hello. As you all know, I'm Brian Griffin.

Quagmire:
[offscreen] Boo. Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo.

Brian:
I want to read a few words.

Quagmire:
Boo. Liar. Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo.

Brian:
Anyway, I want to...

Quagmire:
[still cuts off Brian] Boo. Apologize somewhere else. Boo. Boo, Brian, boo.

Brian:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to apologize...

Offended Man:
Why did you say "ladies" first? That's sexist!

Brian:
It's just... It's just a standard greeting. Let... Let me start over. Gentlemen and ladies...

Offended Woman:
Ooh, says the man!

Brian:
Okay, sorry, I... I, um. Humans in the audience...

Offended Basketball:
I identify as a basketball!

Brian:
Humans and basketballs...

Offended Parrot:
I'm a parrot who mimics, but doesn't comprehend them!

Brian:
Humans, basketballs, talking parrots, and-and whatever else is out there...

Offended Woman:
"Whatever"? It's whoever.

Other Offended Woman:
Actually, it's whomever.

Offended Woman No one likes you, Mary!

[Everyone continues clamoring]

Brian:
All right, all right, just-just calm down, okay?

[Everyone stops clamoring]

Offended Woman:
Now you're tone policing us!

Offended Man:
That makes me uncomfortable! Anything that makes me uncomfortable in 2017 should be illegal!

Brian:
[when no one lets him apologize] You know what? [crumples up and throws his apology away] Fuck you! [everyone gasps in horror] I'm not a racist, all right? I just told a bad joke. There's a huge difference. But nobody on the internet ever takes the time to ask themselves "Is this worth freaking out over?", Or "Are there bigger problems in this world than this tweet?". Well, I assure you there are! And just for the record, I love black people! I've watched tons of black porn! So what do you all want from me? Huh? Do you wanna ruin my life? Well, congratulations, you did it! Everybody hates me! I can't leave the house without getting harassed, no one will hire me...

Stewie:
[from inside the house; offscreen] That was a problem before.

Brian:
I can't turn on my phone without strangers telling me to kill myself, or that they're gonna kill my family! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M THE LIBERAL DOUCHEBAG, NOT YOU! I'VE KISSED A TRANSSEXUAL BEFORE! HOW MANY OF YOU CAN SAY THAT?! WHERE'S MY FUCKING MEDAL?! I AM SO FAR LEFT, I'M SPINNING IN CIRCLES, YOU SHITHEADS! INSTEAD OF KILLING MYSELF, I SHOULD KILL ALL OF YOU!

Mob Man:
I'd like to see you try.

[In slow-motion, the man approaches Brian, and punches him in the nose]

Brian:
Ow! Geez... [he returns to the house, with all the people clamoring and throwing stuff] Well, we started the dialogue.

Meg:
You screamed: "black porn" at the top of your lungs in front of women and children.

[Peter is with Vladimir Putin in Russia and is bored. He suggests watching TV.]

Peter:
You got DirecTV?

Putin:
We have Time Warner.

Peter:
You got HBO?

Putin:
We have Starz.

Peter:
You got ESPN?

Putin:
We have Fox Sports 1.

Peter:
Does that come in HD?

Putin:
420P.

Peter:
You got--?

Putin:
Everything you say, I say something a little bit worse.

[Peter thinks for a second, then asks one final question.]

Peter:
You got Simpsons?

Putin:
We have Family Guy.

[Brian talks to Stewie over the phone]

Stewie:
I'm coming over.

Brian:
Hey, listen, you...you don't think...You don't think you could snag a couple of rolls of toilet paper, could you? [silence is heard on Stewie's end] Stewie?

Stewie:
[over the phone] I'm here. I just wanted you to have to sit with those words for a minute.

Lois:
[offscreen] Kids, dinner's ready.

Meg:
[mimicking Lois] Dinner's ready. [normal] Shut up.

Peter:
So, what are you kids doing at school?

Meg:
I got in trouble for saying something insensitive to trans kids.

Lois:
What'd you say?

Meg:
Well, a few of them started this a capella group, and they're all kind of chubby, so I said, you guys should call yourselves, The Trans-Fats.

[a vertical flip transition to Peter and Lois happens, but the image is upside down, causing Peter and Lois to fall to the ceiling]

Peter:
Ah! Son of a bitch! What was that?

Lois:
I don't know. Someone must have messed something up.

[Peter and Meg go to the Drunken Clam]

Peter:
Hey, you wanna see where I was sitting, when you were born?

Peter:
You were already drinking tonight, weren't ya?

Meg:
[snickers] A little.

Peter:
Well, I can't talk to a drunk person if I'm sober.

[after Meg impresses everyone with her drinking]

Meg:
What can I say? I'm just full of surprises, like the end of The Usual Suspects

[cutaway of Peter, Meg, and Lois watching the famous ending of Verbal Kint limping away, only to correct his walking, implying that he was Keyser Soze]

Peter (gasps):
He was gay the whole time!

(after seeing Quagmire escape getting caught by a jealous husband by catching an airplane with a grappling hook and flipping Brian off as he flies away)

Brian:
I hate the guy, but he is good.

Lois:
[enters Brian's shared hospital room] Oh my God Brian, are you okay?

Brian:
Yeah, I'm fine.

Lois:
[to Brian's roommate] Annie, are you okay? So Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie?

Chris:
What happened to her?

Lois:
She was hit by...uh, she was struck by a smooth criminal.

Chris:
That was fun mom. We don't get to do a lot of that kind of stuff together.

Lois:
And Meg, I hope you learned your lesson about drinking.

Meg:
Yeah. I think I'd rather live my life as a loser than feel bad once in a while.

Lois:
Well, I hope you know that you're our loser.

Meg:
Thanks, Mom.

Lois:
You know, Chris. You and your stillborn brother, Tomas were named after Christmas.

Lois:
First, I need you to take down last year's Christmas lights and put up this year's Christmas lights.

[Peter takes a too-full bath and the water spills out of the tub and fills the rest of the room]

Peter:
Aw, now I wanna be on that side. [Peter goes to the other side, making the water go back into the tub] Well, that didn't work.

(as Patrick Swayze is shaping a naked Peter on a pottery wheel)

Peter:
Is this how Jonah Hill was made?

[Peter discovers that an aging Brian is sleeping on his grave site]

Peter:
Oh, my God! I'm dead! How?!

Patrick Swayze:
You died from a fire started by your MILF on a shelf.

[Lois tapes pictures of food and drinks to Peter]

Meg:
What are you doing to Dad?

Peter:
What? I'm going to the grocery store.

Chris:
I can't tell if they have a really good marriage or a really bad one.

[Brian leaves the room in anger and Stewie acts like Rupert is talking to him]

Stewie:
[chuckles] Yeah, you're right. I bet he is on his period, whatever that means... [covers his ears, as though Rupert is telling him what it means] LA LA LA LA! STOP STOP STOP! GROSS GROSS GROSS! EW EW EW! NO NO NO! EW!

Peter:
A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter. A loaf of milk, a container of bread, and a Joe Dirt DVD. A Joe Dirt DVD, Scarlett Johansson, and treasure from a fish tank.

Peter:
Oh, Mr. Boo Berry! I'm your biggest fan!

Boo Berry:
You're not the one threatening me on Facebook, are you?

Peter:
No! No. No, not... not you. Not you.

Peter:
This is the best thing to happen to me since I became a wise-cracking, fourth-wall-breaking superhero! [cutaway to Peter as Deadpool] Call me Redstool. The treatment didn't give me powers, but it did spread cancer to my anus.

[Brian realizes he tore apart Rupert]

Stewie:
Bear killing bastard!

Brian:
Oh my God, Stewie, I am so sorry. I was drunk. It was an accident. I must have thought he was a chew toy.

Stewie:
So? If you were driving drunk and ran him over, would you still go to jail? Yes! You killed him!

Brian:
Let me make it up to you, please. How about you kill something I love?

[Stewie puts a gun up to Brian's head]

Stewie:
How about I do that?

[Stewie makes a long-winded description of Dr. Pritchfield, proving to know a lot about him]

Stewie:
See? I guess we do know each other a bit.

Pritchfield:
You seem like a very lonely little boy.

Stewie:
[in tears] Oh my God, I am! I'm so lonely! [cries] You can see inside my soul!

Watson:
Holmes, there's something I have to tell you. I'm getting...

Holmes:
[cutting him off] I deduce, Watson, that you're getting married!

Watson:
I just said that.

Holmes:
Yes, but I had deduced it first.

Watson:
He's got a gun! Look out, Stew ... Holmes! God, this is gonna be so annoying.

Man:
[reads Peter's hat] USS Nathan James?

[Peter salutes him]

Peter:
Yes, sir. Boats, military, sir.

!an:
The Nathan James is the fictitious ship on TNT's The Last Ship, starring Adam Baldwin and Jocko Sims.

[pause]

Man:
...and Man.

Cleveland:
Uh-oh.

[Stewie enters Brian’s car after school.]

Stewie:
What a day! I asked Mrs. Watson if she had any kids of her own, and immediately she put me in a time-out.

[Brian pulls away from the school and hits Consuela’s car.]

Consuela:
Ay dios mio!

Brian:
Oh great, it’s one of them!

Stewie:
Brian!

Brian:
Stewie, adults are allowed to say racist things because of traffic.

Consuela:
My ‘98 Toyota Corolla! We all have a ‘98 Toyota Corolla.

Mikey:
¿Qué?

Consuela:
I was allowed to say racist things because of traffic.

[The guys offer to watch the Drunken Clam after Jerome has to take care of her mother on Long Island for a month.]

Jerome:
You guys would look after this place for me?

Peter:
Of course, running a bar has always been my dream! Well, that, and waking up a rooster. [Cuts to Peter slowly sneaking up on a rooster sleeping on a fence] AARRRGH! [The rooster wakes up and falls off of the fence.] Enjoy the rest of your Saturday.

[Carter and Barbara are eating at a fancy restaurant across from the Drunken Clam when Carter hears “Life is a Highway” playing from the lively bar.]

Carter:
Damn it, we went to the wrong place.

[Brian is in a cage waiting to be killed and made into a protein shake. He hopes to be put down peacefully, but is frightened to see Michael Vick walk into the room where the dogs are murdered.]

Crowd Voiceover:
Vick!

[Brian becomes more afraid when Eli Manning follows Vick.]

Crowd Voiceover:
And Eli Manning!

Brian:
I didn’t know that about you.

Eli Manning:
Oh yeah, I’m a real idiot psychopath.

Closed Captioning:
[On the bottom of the screen] This isn’t true, but Patriots fans write this show.

[Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland are watching Jerome beat up dummies of them]

Cleveland:
Great idea, Peter.

Dummy Peter:
[In place of the real one] Thanks, guys! [Dummy Peter realizes he is fake.] Oh no, I left the real me in there!

[The real Peter is getting beat up by Jerome in the window of the Drunken Clam.]

Peter:
Guys, it's working! He thinks I'm me!

Dummy Peter:
[After Jerome beat up the real Peter.] Hello others, I am the father! Where is the mother, and what type of sex does she like to have?

Peter:
For 60 years, Sunday has met God, Football, and Family Guy and later, to a lesser degree.

Tricia Takanawa:
[in Ollie Williams's body] I'm standing here for some reason doing the weather in a giant black man's body. What kind of a Friday is this?

Ollie Williams:
[in Tricia's body] FREAKY!

Tricia Takanawa:
Back to you, Tom.

Herbert:
[in Tom Tucker's body] This just in: all kids report to the blue van in the park at 3 pm for free popsicles!

Jerome:
[in Ida's body] What the hell? Am I doing a Madea?

Ida:
[in Jerome's body] Oh, Lord. This time, I'm gonna need a chainsaw!

Bruce:
[in the Kool-Aid Man's body] Oh, no!

Kool-Aid Man:
[in Bruce's body] OH YEAH!

[Quagmire is switched to a hamster's body and the hamster, in Quagmire's body, is holding him by the fur]

Quagmire:
[to the hamster, as he's begging it] Don't do it. Don't do what I was gonna do. [the hamster squeaks and lowers Quagmire down] No! No! You've perverted something beautiful!

[Brian is climbing to the cell phone tower with the body swapper strapped to his back]

Stewie:
Brian, hurry!

Brian:
Stewie, I'm in Chris' body. I'm dragging 230 pounds of lard up a ladder.

Chris:
I'm 215, you liberal dickweed!

Peter:
Hey, Chris.

Chris:
Hey, four eyes.

Peter:
What did you call me?

Chris:
Oh, you're deaf, too?

Mayor West:
[reading from the book of Just Jared] Death be the ultimate fail.

Hammer:
Peter you're doing great as a millennial. The next thing is you gotta be on Fleek.

Peter:
"On fleek"? Do people still say "on fleek"?

Hammer:
No Peter, that's not what I meant. I want you on Fleek. This is Fleek.

Peter:
Aww, can I ride him?

Hammer:
Sure, Peter. Get on Fleek.

Peter:
[Complies] Yay! [Peter and Fleek ride past a collection of various images] Our country's involvement in six different wars, but millennials think about this stuff!

Hammer:
Remember, Peter. Never walk anywhere when you can ride something weird instead.

Peter:
What's that? Sorry, I was too busy taking a selfie while shooting a Snapchat while periscoping that Snapchat while Instagramming latte art while Shazaming the Weeknd while streaming Master of None retweeting George Takei while saying, "This wins the Internet!" while still being #sooobored. Hammer? Hammer? Come on, man. Don't make me look up from my phone.

Hammer:
[Having been hit by a bus] Peter, it's too late. Listen. I've got this idea for a business, and I want you to have it. It's artisanal...artisanal...

Peter:
Artisanal what? Is it pretzels? Is it artisanal pretzels? Has that been done? Does anyone know if artisanal pretzels are a thing? It seems so obvious, yet I don't think I've ever seen them. I better do millennial CPR! One! Ugh, whatever. Two! Ugh, whatever. Three! Ugh, I'm gonna let my parents take care of this.

Lois:
Peter, why is he naked in there?

Peter:
It's an environmental statement. Lois, please stop looking at my dead friend's dong.

Lois:
Listen! I made breakfast and drove, so if there's a dead dog, I'm gonna look at it!

TV announcer:
And now back to Marvel's The Offenders.

Bill Cosby:
(dressed as Nick Fury) Good morning, ya see. I gathered you all here together: Kevin Spacey, Roman Polanski- hey, hey, hey- Woody Allen, Steven Seagal, Matt Lauer, with the pudding pop... [Lauer poses at Cosby] Brett Ratner, and you, lesser-known offender James Toback.

Harvey Weinstein:
[in a Hulk-like voice, lumbering in wearing a barely-covering bathrobe] Don't forget me! Harvey shower.

Woody Allen:
Uh, I...is Matt Damon coming?

Bill Cosby:
No, but he knows about all of us. He's... very aware of what's goin' on here, ya see.

Quagmire:
I can't believe it. This is horrible. What am I gonna do?

[Peter prepares to meet his end and says goodbye to the family]

Peter:
If anything were to happen to me, Lois, I'll miss you more than Life...the cereal, but not the board game which I quite enjoy.

Lois:
Ok.

Peter:
And Meg, I'm sorry I'll never get a chance to walk you down the aisle...at Costco to furnish your sad, single-lady apartment.

Meg:
[sarcastically] Thanks, Dad.

Peter:
And Stewie, it kills me that I'll never see you become a man...-loving twink.

Stewie:
Is anyone gonna stop him?

Peter:
And Chris, whenever you're feeling defeated, I want you to always reach for the Stars...-ky and Hutch DVD that fell behind the entertainment center. Sorry, you were the last one.

Brian:
What about me?

Peter:
You're a dog.

Peter:
Wha..What's going on?

Lois:
Peter, enough is enough, that couch is coming off. We're sick of your shenanigans.

Peter:
[grunts] How dare you?! I work my ass off to bring home the bacon for this family, And all you can say is, "We don't want bacon, we want actual money!" Well, I don't have money, I spent it all on bacon!

Lois:
Peter, put yourself in our shoes.

Peter:
I can't! My feet swelled up too much from all the bacon. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sleep on the couch on the couch.

[Peter walks and bumps onto the door with a couch and he grunts as he wants to come out from the bedroom]

Peter:
Chris, give me a hand with this. Alright, you ready? All right, 1..2..3.

Chris:
[grunting]

Peter:
Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy.

Chris:
Okay, all right.

Peter:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. stop, stop.

Chris:
What? What?

Peter:
No, no, no, no, no. Twist it.

Chris:
What? I am.

Peter:
Just look down, all right? Just--just look at me, look what I'm doing. All right, see the way I'm twisting?

Chris:
Okay.

Peter:
No, no, no, no, no.

Chris:
Wait, what?

Peter:
You know what? All right, just--hang--just put-put it down. put it down. Just drop it, drop it.

Chris:
Alright, alright!

Peter:
All right, let's...Let's just hang on and figure this out. Okay. I-I got it. I know what we're gonna...Okay, okay, y--you--we--here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna cushions off, unscrew the legs, take the mattress out, and this whole thing's gonna be a lot simpler. It's easier than we're making it. [grunting] This isn't working. You know what? Just give me a push.

[Chris pushes on the couch; Peter falls down the stairs and dies]

[Peter gets a reprieve from dying from God]

Peter:
Thank you, God!

God:
Bless you, my pornography fan.