Family Guy, Season 21

Chris:
[discussing wanting to enter America's Funniest Home Videos] I want to spend $2,000 flying to Los Angeles to win $1,000.

Peter:
You know when I agreed to this, I 100% thought it was American Pie. Always read the second word of the title before you sign something.

Lois:
[texting] Hey, guys. Home with groceries. It could use hand unloading. And send. [sends text] Now, I wait for them to come out and help their dear old mom.

Peter:
[offscreen] Do it yourself!

[Peter and Lois are dining at His and Her's Restaurant]

Lois:
Ah, look at this, Peter. A new restaurant in town. What a lightning bolt to the balls for a couple of schmos like us, huh?

[Lois looks at the pictures of Susie Swanson on Bonnie's Facebook page]

Lois:
Ugh, look at that thing's eyes! You know, maybe one glass a night wasn't fine.

Man:
Sounds like a hippo copping around up there.

[Jerome has broken his leg and is in a wheelchair]

Cleveland:
Whoa, Jerome. What's with the wheelchair?

Jerome:
Well, it was date night with my ladyfriend. Put on some Teddy Pendergrass. One thing led to another. We started making love halfway up the stairs. Then, I lost my footing and tumbles down half a flight!

Quagmire:
[appalled] Well! This is hardly a dinner conversation!

Joe:
I bet you're gonna discover some cool new things you couldn't do while walking.

Jerome:
Like what?

Joe:
Well, have you yelled at someone for using the handicapped stall yet?

Peter:
Thanks to the vaccines, we can all get back to doing the things we hate.

[Peter sees Roberta dressed as Harley Quinn]

Peter:
Whoa!

Cleveland:
Careful.

[Peter and Lois are packing the car while Chris is eating some chocolate. He throws the wrapper upon finishing.]

Meg:
Chris? What - oh, who cares? We're in Vermont till Sunday. Call if you have to but, like, let's not call.

Chris:
Can we only brush our teeth for 60 seconds instead of the full 90?

Peter:
You brush your teeth? Nerd.

Tom Tucker:
Okay, final question. Team 3. Who is your child's favorite singer?

Peter:
[puts his board up to show the crowd] The Price is Right Yodeler.

Chris:
What? No. I said Adele. [puts his board up]

Peter:
Judges?

[the crowd laughs after the buzzer goes off]

Lois:
Oh, this is more humiliating than my first day working at that Rice Pilaf Company.

[cut to a Cutaway Gag of Lois' first day at the Rice Pilaf Company]

Lois:
I think we could start putting pilaf in other things.

Boss:
Lois, can I see you in my office for a second?

[we cut to the kitchen where Lois is sobbing at the table while the rest of the family are eating]

Peter:
I told you not to rock the boat over there.

[Peter turns himself into a waffle]

Peter:
I'm a waffle.

Cleveland:
I'm sorry for reading people's mail!

Cleveland:
Peter, where are we going?

Peter:
[offscreen] Relax, it's our nation's capital. I'm just a fan of history!

Cleveland:
Uh, Peter? What are you up to?

[The camera zooms out to reveal Peter dressed as the Podium Guy]

Peter:
What? I just love our government! Or at least I used to!

[The guys pass by Stoolbend, Virginia while Cleveland is asleep]

Joe:
Hey, Cleveland. Wake up!

Quagmire:
Don't… Don't wake him… Don't wake him. I don't think he wants to be reminded.

Stewie:
[inserts a record into a record player] Alright, time for a little payback. Let's see how the fat man feels about having a mistake baby when he has to listen to that same child blast rebellious rock & roll. [the record plays Sugar, Sugar by The Archies] Yeah! How do you like that, old man?! If it's too loud, you're too old!

Peter:
[comes downstairs and starts dancing] Hey, what's going on down here? I love this song!

Stewie:
No! No, you're supposed to be mad about this!

Peter:
I do have an issue with the volume, though.

Stewie:
[confident] Oh-ho, yeah, here we go!

Peter:
It needs to be louder!

[Peter turns up the volume while his friends come over dressed in '60s dance clothes with a bowl of punch]

Joe:
Hey! We heard The Archies, so we brought punch.

Stewie:
What?! NO! No, this is supposed to be making you FURIOUS!

Lois:
[comes downstairs and starts dancing with everyone else] Oh, God, this music is making me LOSE IT! Should we order two cheese pizzas?

Quagmire Uh, yeah!

Cleveland:
I'm in!

Joe:
Hey, Quagmire. Betty or Veronica?

Quagmire:
Both!

Who Else But Quagmire? Guy:
[singing to the tune of the song] Oh, Quagmire! Who else but Quagmire?

Stewie:
Brian, say hello to the new snack captain!

Brian:
You actually won? Wow! Congrats, Stewie! I thought you being a mistake ruined your chances. How'd you pull it off?

Stewie:
It turns out 70% of the kids' parents aren't married and 30% are mistakes. Nobody gets married anymore! One kid doesn't even have parents. He just kind of appeared. Sleeps in one of the cubbies. I mean, that's the story I would've told this week, but whatever. Oh, and Doug died in a commuter plane crash this morning.

Allen:
And I think margs are gonna be on you after this adventure, huh?

Old West:
I don't drink that shit.

Allen:
Okay, we'll figure something out.

[Meg is in the middle of an elaborate domino arrangement in the living room with Gene, but is set off early when Peter bumps into the table setting up]

Meg:
Crap! Gene, they're coming! They're coming fast, Gene! Starting recording, Gene! GENE!!

[Peter introduces Chris to Donkey Kong]

Chris:
This game SUCKS!!

Peter:
What are you talkin' about?

Chris:
Uh, what universe does this even take place in? EVERYTHING needs to take place in a universe!

Peter:
It's a warehouse with ladders where a monkey took a girl.

Chris:
What about the microtransactions that slowly bankrupt our family? Or the children slinging racist taunts into your earpiece?

Peter:
It has two buttons and I have to look down when I press 'em.

Chris:
Donkey Kong sucks! I could build the same game on our house.

[This gives Peter an idea]

Peter:
Donkey Kong house?

[scene transitions to Peter setting up a real Donkey Kong stage in front of the house]

Peter:
Sorry I put you in a dress, Stewie. We needed a damsel.

Stewie:
Hey, do I look upset?

Ugly Girl:
May I join the losers club?

Chris:
[sigh] I don't care what yearbook captions you saw. We are not yet an organized club.

Pizza Bread:
The deed to the house is in the drawer, under the phone!

Chris:
Keep my name out your fucking mouth!

Preston:
Peter, what are you doing up there?

Peter:
Preston, I'm glad you're here. I'm about to test the prototype for "desk-poline".

[Peter jumps off a stack of cabinets and crashes on top of his desk. Peter grabs out a pad and pen and starts writing]

Peter:
Desk will need to be bouncy.