Family Guy, Season 3

Joe:
[to Brian] Nice work, rookie!

Cop 1:
You're a credit to the force.

Cop 2:
Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!

Rehab Counselor:
Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?

Peter:
A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister.

Brian:
Hey, what might be a thrill for you guys?

Chris:
Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!

Cosby:
[wears Stewie's hypnotic goggles] So you're going to just sit here and enjoy it.

Stewie:
[hypnotized] I'm going to sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

Peter:
Hey, since I became President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. [laughs]

[cut to Alyssa Milano in reality, watching the show]

Milano:
What kinda cheap shot...?! [to her lawyer] Joel!

Joel:
I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

Quagmire:
[to a lesbian couple] So, have any of you ladies ever been penetrated?

Lois:
[after seeing Chris' penis] Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.

Peter:
How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.

Lois:
Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.

Peter:
OH, MY GOD! [runs away]

Diane:
A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. [Tom snickers] You find this funny, Tom?

Tom:
No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?

Death's Mother:
Death! Put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite!

Death:
I don't have skin!

Death's Mother:
That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!

Death:
(to Peter's ghost, trying to step back into his body through the mouth) Wait, wait, what're you doing? You can't get back in like that!

Peter:
Well, I'm sure as hell not going in the back door!

Lois:
Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal," where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. [imitating Peter] Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's worthless and dumb and ignore her and only listen to me, Peter.

Peter:
[imitating Lois] I'm Lois. I break for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes, like that Narragansett Beer sign where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs. It was eight freaking dollars and we have a dozen places to put it!

Stewie:
Ooh, ooh, me next, me next. [imitating Brian] I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door.

Brian:
[imitating Stewie] I'm a pompous little Anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.

Peter:
You just hit me!

Lois:
That's right!

[Peter punches her back, knocking her onto the floor]

Lois:
You can't hit me, I'm a girl!

Peter:
Sometimes I wonder.

Connie:
Hey, everybody! Mr. Lazenby's getting arrested!

[all the students in Meg's classroom exit and watch as the police arrest, Mr. Lazenby]

Principal Shepherd:
Now, what in God's name…? [opens door] Mr. Lazenby, what the hell's going on here?!

Lazenby:
Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.

Principal Shepherd:
This stupid country...

Meg:
I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now, and eating a whole bowl of peanuts! [blank stares from Peter and Lois] I'm allergic to peanuts! [more blank stares] You don't know anything about me! [runs upstairs]

Peter:
Who was that guy?

[Peter paces back and forth just as Mr. Weed is on his way over for dinner]

Lois:
Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine.

Peter:
I hope so, 'cause if I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the Electric Company.

[cut to the Electric Company with Peter and another man as Soft-Shoe Silhouettes]

Man:
D.

Peter:
-ot.

Peter and the man:
Dot.

Man:
B.

Peter:
-et.

Man:
Bet.

Peter:
Bet. I knew that. Slow it down, will ya?

Man:
P.

Peter:
-it.

Man:
Pit.

Peter:
Pit. C'mon, pal. It's my first dayǃ

Man:
F.

Peter:
-at.

Man:
Fat.

Peter:
Oh, that's it, buddyǃ

[a fight breaks out between the two]

Brian:
Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?

Peter:
Um... if by "read" you mean "imagined a naked lady", then yes.

[The boys are sitting on chairs in a semicircle, in gentlemen's outfits, talking very quickly.]

Stewie:
The port is quite good.

Brian:
Yes, quite good.

Chris:
Indeed.

Peter:
Most certainly.

Brian:
What year is it?

Chris:
'51.

Brian:
Ah.

Peter:
Delectable.

Stewie:
Indeed.

Chris:
Yes.

Peter:
[catches fire] Oh, dear!

Brian:
What is it?

Peter:
I've spontaneously combusted.

Stewie:
Oh, I am sorry.

Peter:
Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.

Stewie:
Ah, very good then.

Chris:
For the best.

Brian:
Yes, indeed.

Stewie:
Oh, is it raining again?

Peter:
[after Carol has given birth] Oh, my God!

Lois:
What? What?!

Peter:
[holds a crying baby] It's a beautiful baby girl.

Carol:
Oh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!

Peter:
But she has a penis. Well, we're gonna have to do something about that. [grabs a scalpel]

Lois:
[takes the scalpel] Peter, no! It's a boy!

Stewie:
[after Peter heads for the bathroom] Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and DO HER!!

Peter:
[at the police station, where the convicts are held] Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, he's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-maybe you've seen him, his name is Chris Griffin. Oh, wait a second. I think I got a picture of him, somewhere...h-here you go. [gives the picture to the one who robbed the store] Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home. I was gonna throw that one out anyway 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.

Meg:
This is our house?

Lois:
Oh, come on, Meg. I bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece of crap.

[Brian dives into the race track and tackles Seabreeze]

Meg:
Oh, my God!

Carter:
He's violating Seabreeze!

Peter:
Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... [shocked] Now he's violating Seabreeze.

[Peter plays poker with Carter and his poker buddies]

Ted Turner:
Aces high or low?

Peter:
They go both ways.

[Bill Gates and Michael Eisner laugh]

Bill Gates:
He said, "They go both ways".

[all except Ted laugh]

Ted:
Like a bisexual.

Michael:
Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.

[just before Brian gets neutered, Peter has a vision of himself sitting next to an overweight Brian eating chocolate]

Brian:
I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's SO good!

Miller:
Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.

Peter:
What the hell does "rant" mean?

[Chris is watching a rap video on TV]

Peter:
Hey Chris, what are you doing? I am sittin' here shittin' myself! Give me some Dr. Peppa!

Chris:
Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, Pops, get me some cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I need to be making style.

Peter:
You be trippin', my man. Go hed and take 'ya dump, sun.

Peter:
Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.

Announcer:
We now return to Touched By An Angel.

[courtroom scene; a boy is on the stand]

Prosecutor:
[shows the boy a doll] Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?

Boy:
[points at the doll's crotch] Here.

Angel:
Oh, come on, who are you gonna believe? I got a freakin' halo!

[Peter enters Tom Tucker's office, falsely handicapped]

Peter:
Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bertinerni.

Tom:
But, Mr. Griffin,...

Peter:
Ah-ah. [extracts tape] I even got the first piece you're gonna run: exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.

[he inserts the tape in the TV/VCR, and video of him is shown]

Peter:
[on tape] Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! AIEEEEE!

[the tape cuts to a shot of a scarecrow getting hit by the approaching car, then cuts back to Peter, who is on the ground, wailing and flailing]

Peter:
I'm handicapped now!

[Tom pauses the tape]

Tom:
Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.

Peter:
Oh, come on!

Tom:
[runs the tape back] And when I freeze-frame,...

[he pauses at a point where the car hit the scarecrow, and behind the wheel is...]

Tom:
That's you driving the car.

Peter:
Well, there's your hook!

Tom:
Get out.

Lois:
Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.

Brian:
Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...

Lois:
"Don we now our gay apparel."

Brian:
[puts his sweater on] Doesn't get much gayer than this.

Peter:
My couch! My TV! [to Brian] What the hell did you do?!

Brian:
Me?! Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?

Peter:
I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family at risk.

Goodman:
It's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.

Chris:
[laughs] Rump.

Peter:
This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.

[at a movie theater, the swallow in Peter's beard continuously eats Peter's popcorn]

Peter:
Damn it all!

Patrons:
SHH!

Peter:
Sorry! Sorry.

[the swallow squawks loudly]

Patron 1:
Hey, shut up! Keep it down!

Peter:
Look, there's nothin' I can do. All right?

Patron 2:
Take it outside, pal!

Patron 3:
Have you ever heard of a sitter?!

Peter:
[jumps out of his seat] Look, it's an endangered species! What am I supposed to do?

Patron 4:
I'll make you an endangered species!

Peter:
Oh, good comeback, Potsie!

Patron 5:
I'll kick your ass! That's what I'll do!

[all patrons clamor indistinctly until the swallow recedes into Peter's beard]

Peter:
Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up! He has stopped squawking! He's receded into my beard! We can all watch the movie! Shut up!

[he sits back down, and all is silent for a moment]

Voice:
Eric, if you're in here, we're all goin' to Marty's after the movie.

Jeff:
[about his trophy, which is over his crotch] Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?

Dave:
Hey, don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.

Dottie:
Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.

Peter:
Lois, I'm scared. [drops his hot dog] Oh, I'll get that. [reaches under the table]

Dave:
Hey!

Peter:
Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!

Chris:
Boobies!

Lois:
Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!

Peter:
You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.

Chris:
Boobies!

Lois:
Did you hear me, young man?

Meg:
I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!

Chris:
Boobies!

Lois:
Peter?

Peter:
Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neutralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]

Lois:
Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?

Chris:
Elephants are bigger in person!

[Peter is in front of a mirror, preparing for a party]

Meg:
Look at that handsome man.

Peter:
You son of a bitch! [punches the mirror]

Peter:
Why are you holding that infant's hand?

Stewie:
Oh, we met on the Internet.

Brian:
Shut up!

Stewie:
Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.

Stewie:
[encounters Pengrove Pig] Pengrove! I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh my, the Magic Tome! [opens the book] Well, it's... it's cardboard. And there are no words, there are just... What is it you've drawn here?

Pengrove:
Oh, that's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets, eh? [removes his mask to reveal a hideous laughing elderly man] Ah, dead brill, eh?

Stewie:
[yells; runs up to a smoking Mother Maggie] Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's wrong!

Maggie:
[in a heavier English accent than on T.V.] Whose stinky brat is this?

Stewie:
That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!

Maggie:
Piss off, ya grotty little wanker! [kicks Stewie off the set and resumes smoking]

Stewie:
It's a fake. It's not real.

Brian:
I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.

Stewie:
I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!

Brian:
Hey, come on. Do you want to get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right? [Stewie shakes his head no] You wanna get some McDonald's? [Stewie shakes his head no again] You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? [Stewie nods his head yes] Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

Stewie:
Well, we promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt.

Dr. Hartman:
Mayor West, you have lymphoma.

West:
Oh, my...

Dr. Hartman:
Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.

West:
I see...

Dr. Hartman:
What in God's name were you trying to prove?

West:
I was trying to gain superpowers.

Dr. Hartman:
Well, that's just silly.

West:
Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes...

Lois:
Peter, did you take the money from the family jar?

Peter:
[dances] Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? [stops] Yeah, I did it. I bought us volcano insurance.

Peter:
Lois, no one needs glasses.

Meg:
You wear glasses.

Peter:
That's only to fool the man from the draft board.