Family Guy, Season 6

Oh, by the way, here's a tip for you:
when this is over, go out and rent the movie Gia. She's way naked in it, and makes out with another chick and everything. It's awesome. I stumbled across it late at night on HBO after I had just got back from hockey, and I almost fainted. But I digress...

[at the Death Star meeting]

Admiral Motti:
Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.

Darth Vader (Stewie):
That is fantastic! Terrific work! So, no weaknesses at all?

Admiral:
...N-no.

Vader:
You...you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?

Admiral:
No, it's virtually indestructible, like 99.99%

Vader:
Okay, wouldn't be doin’ my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?

Admiral:
Well, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, the station blows up.

Vader:
Whoa, whoa! That sounds like a pretty big design flaw.

Admiral:
Nah, it's nothing. I mean, the hole's only about two meters across.

Grand Moff Tarkin (Adam West):
Why, that's no bigger than a womp rat.

Admiral:
Exactly. And to even get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench, it's no big deal.

Vader:
Well, can't we board it up? I mean, put some plywood over it?

Admiral:
Well, that would look terrible. We've got to think about resale.

Vader:
Resale? What are you talking about?! This property's right above Sunset, the value's only gonna go up!

Admiral:
Lord Vader, your inside references on the Los Angeles real estate market have not given you the clairvoyance to turn around that profit on that condo in Glendale. Nor has it - [Vader's force chokes Motti]

Vader:
I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, 20 minutes to the beach, 20 minutes to downtown...

Admiral:
[gasps] There's...nothing to do...downtown!

Tarkin:
Enough of this! Vader, release him!

Vader:
As you wish. [releases Motti] So, are we gonna plug up that hole?

Imperial Officer:
Yeah. We can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.

Vader:
Uhh…

Officer:
We'll get estimates.

Vader:
Yeah, estimates, yeah.

Lois:
So, Meg, any luck finding another job?

Meg:
No. Hardly anybody's hiring right now. The only job I could find was for a phone sex line, and I sucked at it.

[cut to Meg on the couch, on the phone]

Meg:
What am I wearing? Um...a hat, and...glasses? What kind of underwear? Um...I don't know...big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh. What would I do to you? Well, um... I guess, maybe we could get pizza, and we could watch House?

[cut to Peter in the bedroom, on the phone, revealing he's the caller]

Peter:
All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am. I appreciate your time. [hangs up]

Announcer:
This Tuesday on Lifetime, Valerie Bertinelli stars in a Lifetime Original movie.

Bertinelli:
You know, Doctor, you said you were gonna cure my cancer, but all you did was rape me. I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all.

Doctor:
Well, you're right...about the rape part. But I'm sorry, you still do have cancer.

[Bertinelli then sobs]

Announcer:
Valerie Bertinelli in: Men Are Terrible And Will Hurt You Because This Is Lifetime.

Bonnie:
Oh my God, that was so much fun!

Lois:
You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot!

[Peter grabs Joe's gun, cocks it, then shoots himself in the mouth. The scene cuts to a close-up of Peter's face]

Joe:
Peter? Peter?

Peter:
Oh, sorry, Joe. I, uh, just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.

Quagmire:
It's the best show you're not watching!

Cleveland:
I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullcrap.

[cutaway to Hitler juggling on a unicycle]

[Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble are attending the Quahog Men's Club]

Barney:
Boy, great party, huh Fred?

Fred:
Yeah. You know, Barn, I figured I oughta tell you this. I was walkin' by your house the other day, and, uh, I poked my head in the window, and Betty was undressin'. Uh, she saw me there, but she didn't stop.

Barney:
What?

Fred:
She didn't stop. I mean, she saw me there, lookin' at her, and kept undressin'.

Barney:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you serious?

Fred:
Yeah. I got an e-rock-tion.

MacFarlane:
You know, people often ask me why there are so many pop culture references on the show. Well, I'll tell you. Family Guy likes to hold a mirror up to society and say "Society, you're ugly and we don't like a lot of what you're doing". Here's just a small sampling of our distaste.

MacFarlane:
Well, we hope you've enjoyed this look back at the first 100 episodes of Family Guy. [holding up a glass] And here's the next 100. [a little bit agitated] And hopefully we won't get cancelled for two and a half fucking years in the middle again! [smiling] Good night, America!

Stewie:
Hello, Mother.

Lois:
Stewie? What the hell are you... How did you get here?

Stewie:
Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois. With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny.

Lois:
What are you...Wha-what are you doing with a gun?

Stewie:
Something I should have done a very long time ago... [shoots rapidly at Lois until she falls into the water with blood on her chest] I did it! I killed her! She's dead! [laughs maniacally until he trips and wails] Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! [stops] Oh, yeah, that's right.

Judge:
Mr. Foreman, how say you?

Mr. Foreman:
We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree.

Peter:
Oh, no!

Bruce:
Oh, no!

Brian:
Oh, no!

Meg:
Oh, no!

Chris:
Oh, no!

[the Kool-Aid Man bursts into the courtroom again]

Kool-Aid-Man:
OH, YEAH! [everyone stares at him, and he slowly backs out of the room]

Judge:
Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fuckin' Kool-Aid Guy's gonna keep showin' up! Thank you.

Stewie:
I'll be as big as I should have been on American Idol.

[cutaway to Stewie trying to sing a song in front of the American Idol judges]

Stewie:
I don't mind not knowing

What I'm heading for

You can take me to the skies

It's like being lost in He-a-van

When I'm lost in your eyes

Simon Cowell:
Stewie, what the hell was that?

Stewie:
[nervously] That was, uh, "Lost in Your Eyes" by Debbie Gibson.

Simon Cowell:
One of the worst I've ever heard.

Stewie:
...Okay.

Simon Cowell:
Stewie, you shouldn't even actually be alive, you sniveling little creep. I hate you so much, I want to shoot you in your face.

Stewie:
...Alright.

Paula Abdul:
Honey, I like you, but you're just not right for this competition.

Randy Jackson:
Yo, dawg, I gotta tell you for me, man. That was not even half good, dude. You can't sing. What're you doin', Stewie?

Stewie:
[he exits the room in tears] I don't even care! They don't know what they's talkin' 'bout! Next time they hear about me, they - they - they's gonna be like, "We was wrong 'bout Stewie"! 'Cause, 'cause I's gonna be huge! I - I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls!

Stewie:
You recall my complaining about Lois and the fat man not taking me with them?

Brian:
Yeah?

Stewie:
Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me.

Brian:
Yeah? How'd that go?

Stewie:
Not well, Brian. Not well. I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world...yet.

Brian:
So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen, or even matter?

Stewie:
Yes, that's correct.

Brian:
So, it was sorta like a dream?

Stewie:
No, it was a simulation.

Brian:
Yes, but, theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened, I mean... you don't think, that would, j-- be just like a giant middle finger to them?

Stewie:
Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride.

Brian:
I don't know, man. I think you'd piss a lot of people off that way. [He leaves]

Stewie:
Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid-sen -[the screen goes black like he described]

Brian:
Peter, why did you have my acupuncturist arrested?

Peter:
Because he was an illegal immigrant and a threat to our national security!

Brian:
He was an 85 year old Korean Buddhist!

Peter:
Or was he supreme leader of al-Queda? I guess we'll find out if he ever gets a trial.

Brian:
Peter, America was founded by immigrants. Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They're a vital part of our society.

Peter:
They're part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor! Take 'em away!

Peter:
Well, I guess everything's back to normal.

McDonald:
[sings] Well, I guess everything's back to normal!

Peter:
Oh, man. Not this guy again!

McDonald:
[sings] Oh, man, not this guy again!

[Peter farts]

McDonald:
[sings] Fart!

[during Meg and Michael's date, Michael notices a familiar face]

Michael:
What the hell?

Meg:
What's wrong?

Michael:
Meg, I'm not sure, but I think your dad is sitting at that table over there.

Meg:
What? Where?

Michael:
Well, I can't tell if it's him. I think he's wearing some kinda disguise.

[Meg turns around and notices Peter in a Chinese disguise]

Meg:
Oh, my God! Dad!

[she and Michael approach Peter]

Meg:
What do you think you're doing?!

Peter:
[Chinese accent] Peter? Who Peter?

Meg:
I didn't say Peter. I said Dad!

Peter:
[normally] Oh.

Meg:
Have you been spying on us the entire time we've been dating?!

Peter:
Meg, it's only because I wanna make sure this guy treats you right and doesn't try anything funny!

Michael:
Meg, this is more than I can deal with. If your father is this opposed to our relationship, I don't see how it can work out.

Meg:
But, Michael.

Michael:
I'm sorry, Meg. I promise I won't forget you.

[he leaves]

Peter:
See? Look, Meg. He just walked out on ya. He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster.

Lois:
Look, Why don't you just talk to him? Ya might find out he's not so bad.

Peter:
Alright, Lois, but I know what my gut tells me. [turns and faces the camera] And right now, it's telling me I have...

Deep Voice:
INDIGESTION!

Peter:
But, I'll suck it up and talk to Michael. Even though I've also got...

Deep Voice:
DIARRHEA!

[Stewie, as Zac Sawyer, has won the respect of the popular kids]

Stewie:
Excellent. I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith and his nice, clean rap.

[cut to Will Smith recording a rap song]

Smith:
Whoooo! Ha-ha! I respect women when I'm on a date,

I take 'em to the park,

Or maybe a museum,

And I only try to kiss 'em if they're ready!

Whoo-hoo! What-what, what! A-what, I say, what-what?!

Help out your mom and dad by gettin' a job

So you can help pay for school supplies!

A-whoo-hoo! Say "Hoooo!"

Wipe your shoes on the mat when you come in the house.

Someone just clean that floor! Whoo-hoo! Say what-what! Ha-ha!

[Peter crashes his car into a tree, while a canoe passes by]

Man in a canoe:
Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

Peter:
Stop mocking me!

Woods:
Not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes.

Peter:
Oh, come on!

Joe:
You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack.

[Peter takes his clothes off and hands them to Woods; he and Woods give Joe a confused look]

Joe:
What? You don't all wear a poop sack? [angrily] DAMN IT, BONNIE! YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THE POOP SACK!

[Peter appears as James Woods on The Late Show with David Letterman]

Letterman:
Wait a minute. You're not James Woods.

Peter:
Oh, I believe I am. Driver's license, Social Security card, American Express.

Woods:
[at home with the Griffins] What the hell is he doing?

Letterman:
Wow, I guess you are James Woods. So, uh, now, let me understand this: What are you here to promote, James?

Peter:
Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie comin' out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11th, 2000-Fun.

[the studio audience gasps]

Woods:
No, no, no, no, no!

Letterman:
James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans.

Peter:
Well, you haven't heard what the movie's about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane! And I go, "Come on"! You know, it's real, real old-style comedy, you know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania.

Letterman:
James, I don't wanna hear anymore about this.

Peter:
And the voice of the plane is David Spade.

Woods:
What?! I would never work with David Spade! That... dwarf! That... skinny chickenshit!

TV:
We now return to "Damn Nature, You Scary!" on BET.

Announcer:
[as a cheetah runs] Damn, that muthafucka' run fast! You see that shit?! That thing come by my house, I kill it! [the cheetah sees a meerkat, catches it, and eats it] That lil' rat-lookin' thing just got ate! Damn, nature! You scary!

Herbert:
All right, children, your mammy and pappy asked me to look after you for the next couple days, so I wanna lay down a few ground rules: no cussin', clean ya plates, and only a half-hour of radio and then it's off to bed.

Chris:
Well, that sucks.

Herbert:
And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in ya penis.

[Brian is trying to learn magic to impress a woman]

Stewie:
Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show!

Brian:
Really?

Stewie:
Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.

Brian:
What?

Stewie:
Saw me in half.

Lois:
I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.

Peter:
You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag.

Lois:
What?

Peter:
What?

[Peter comes into the bar with the parrot on his shoulder]

Peter:
Hey, guys, what's going on?

Joe:
No way!

Quagmire:
Cool!

Cleveland:
That thing don't bite, do it?

Peter:
Guys, say hello to Adrian Beakey.

Parrot:
Pick a lane, bitch!

Peter:
Hey, isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.

Parrot:
I gotta pee! Where's that Snapple bottle?

[Peter laughs]

Parrot:
I had a gay experience at camp!

Peter:
[uncomfortable] Uh, yeah, I had the radio on in the car and they were talking about some crazy stuff... So what are you-what are you guys drinkin'?

[Chris is depressed because Anna left him]

Lois:
Chris, honey, what's wrong?

Chris:
Anna took a dump on me.

Lois:
What?!

Chris:
Yeah, she broke up with me.

Lois:
Oh-ho, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say.

Chris:
What's the difference?

Lois:
Well, when two people love each other very much, sometimes they show it by- y- never mind.