Frasier, Season 7

Martin has just met Mia, and is shocked at how much she resembles his late wife. She seems to like the cabin

Mia:
I feel like I'm in Heaven.

Martin:
I'm starting to feel that way myself.

Frasier:
Frankly, I wish you'd start seeing someone about this bug phobia of yours.

Niles:
It is not a phobia! I have a healthy fear of our natural predators. It's us versus them, and frankly, I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on!

Niles:
Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?

Frasier:
I told you, Niles: I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.

Niles:
[about his date] She was... a cat person. She brought her cat on our date. Well, she had good reason: it was Mr. Waggles' birthday. Actually, his birthday party. Actually, his surprise birthday party!

Frasier is not happy that Martin found the prank phonecall so amusing

Martin:
D'you think you could get me a tape of the show?

Frasier:
What on earth for?

Martin:
How often d'you get to hear your son on the radio?

Frasier:
(glares at him) I'm on the radio EVERY DAY!

Martin has pointed out to his sons that bullies have always targeted them because they acted like they were above everyone else

Frasier:
Daphne, tell me: do you think we're snobby, superior and condescending?

Daphne:
That's it! I'm getting me door soundproofed!

Roz has arrived in Café Nervosa, and seen Poppy at another table with some other KACL workers

Roz:
I see Poppy's having a little party.

Frasier:
That is not a party; that's a hostage situation.

The news about Frasier's prospective new arts show starts an argument with Niles

Niles:
You conniving copy-cat! You have to have whatever I have.

Frasier:
I do not have what you have; my audience is twice as large as yours is!

Niles:
Oh well, at least my audience can read!

Frasier:
How dare you review my audience!

Daphne:
I went to all sorts of funerals as a child. My uncle's a mortician. Lovely man. He's offered to do my makeup for the wedding.

Frasier:
I can just hear the whispers now. "Did you see the bride? Very lifelike."

Frasier:
We've got to plan for it. We must all be prepared when the cold hand of death comes knocking on our door.

[Someone knocks at the door.]

Frasier:
Would you get that?

Niles:
I most certainly will not.

Regan has admitted that her name is from a treacherous daughter in King Lear, which makes it less than flattering

Regan:
I'm sorry, I have some issues with my father.

Enter Martin, who is trying to match them up

Martin:
Excuse me again.

Frasier:
I have no idea what that would be like!

Roz is trying to persuade Frasier to buy tickets for a charity ball

Roz:
Come on, it's for a good cause. They provide disaster relief.

Enter Poppy

Poppy:
Hi, partners!

Frasier:
How soon can they get here?

Frasier has just realised that the "game show" Martin wants to watch is The Antiques Roadshow, which he and Niles planned to watch

Niles:
I'll just check outside and see if the world has ended.

Dr. Myshkin has arrived to examine the clock, and Frasier asks Daphne to bring in the caviar

Daphne:
Oh, I am so sorry. Here I am, dawdling with the laundry when it's ten minutes into Caviar Time!

After a minor car accident

Niles:
Are you alright?

Frasier:
Yes. Thank Heaven your fist softened the blow of the airbag!

Niles and Mel are heading out to dinner

Frasier:
Well, off you go then. Just remember, Niles: nothing puts on love handles faster than chocolate soufflé.

Mel:
Oh well, you know, no one takes them off faster than I do!

Frasier urges Niles and Lilith to behave as they used to towards each other:
by trading insults

Niles:
Well, I learned if you kiss her too fast you get an ice cream headache.

Lilith:
You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength, so shut your pie hole!

Frasier:
Was that so hard?

Daphne:
Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane.

Niles:
Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.

Frasier:
No one's going to sell me on anything. Those exercises only help people who lack self-awareness. I, for one, am...[winces in pain] God Almighty!

Niles:
[sarcastically] Well, no wonder you're stressed; you've got a whole universe to run!

This is a pivotal moment

Daphne, relieved that she misunderstood Frasier's musings earlier, is giving him a massage. He is very drowsy after taking the tranquilisers

Daphne:
When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me", he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?

Frasier:
(half-asleep) Oh, that…he meant Niles.

Daphne:
[shocked] What?!

Frasier:
Niles…he's crazy about you.

Daphne:
[about Niles' longtime crush on her] I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane; he's so close to Dr. Crane. If I told him, he might tell Dr. Crane, and then Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed.

Roz:
[sarcastically] Yeah. Why confuse things?

Mel has discovered from Frasier that Niles was with Maris the previous evening, and storms off

Niles:
(to Frasier) Anything else in the box, Pandora?!

Roz:
I just hate how this arbitrary point on the calendar has become so significant. And as far as my hangover went, it was worth it; I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey.

Frasier:
I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor.

Roz:
Thank you.

Frasier:
(on the phone) Niles! Where are you calling from?

Niles:
(triumphantly) From behind the wheel of the Road Warrior! And doing a damn fine job of driving, I might add.

Frasier:
But I'm in the Road Warrior! You got in the wrong car, you idiot! You've stolen a Winnebago!

Daphne has a new and very powerful vacuum cleaner, but when she tries using it on Martin's chair it breaks down, with a small explosion

Frasier:
Well, apparently the "Dirt Scourge 2000" is no match for the "Dirt Pile 1957."

Niles questions whether Frasier needs as many musicians as he has

Niles:
Whatever happened to the concept of "less is more"?

Frasier:
Ah, but if less is more, then just think of how much more "more" will be!

Roz is in Café Nervosa when Frasier runs into Lorna

Roz:
So, are you going to ask her out?

Frasier:
Oh right, Legs Lenley and Crane the Brain! In my dreams!

Frasier:
Listen, I'm sorry to uproot you like this, it's just-

Martin:
No, it's all right. I'd rather clear the decks for a date than for one of your theme parties. Though I am kinda sorry I missed "An Evening With Moe Howard."

Frasier:
That was Noël Coward!

Daphne is complaining that even being engaged doesn't guarantee a date on Valentine's Day

Daphne:
Donny had to fly out to Florida. His grandmother. She'd do anything to come between us.

Martin:
What'd she do this time?

Daphne:
She died.

Frasier is embarrassed that Emily just kissed him and is now about to leave.

Niles:
You're embarrassed?! They think the best I can do is an old man with a cane!

Frasier does not want Chuck Ranberg to stand in for Roz, on account of his amusing speech impediment

Roz:
Hey, Chuck. How's it going?

Chuck:
Oh, tewwible, Woz! My wife was in the Cawibbean and she weft me for a Wastafawian!

Martin has suggested that Frasier refuses to restrain Mary because she is black; Frasier denies it

Niles:
Oh, come now, Frasier. You can't deny a certain measure of guilt, living as you do in your exclusive lily-white world.

Frasier:
Niles, owning the CD of "Ella sings Gershwin" does not qualify you as a soul brother!

Frasier:
We have the Wine Club tonight. I'm sort of counting on him to help me become "corkmaster."

Roz:
But you'll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right?

[Wine Club members address Niles, the new corkmaster, to the tune of Rule, Britannia.]

Hail, corkmaster,

The master of the cork,

He knows which wine goes with fish or pork!

[Niles is asking where Martin is.]

Daphne:
He's with Donny. They went to a tractor pull.

Niles:
(as though understanding) Oh...

(gives her a questioning look)

Daphne:
As I understand it, they attach a large weight to a tractor, and see how far they can pull it through the mud.

Niles:
(as though understanding) Oh...

(gives her another questioning look)

Daphne:
The answer to your next question is, "beats the hell out of me!"

Frasier:
Lilith was insufferable, but she's got a new boyfriend. Some twenty-eight year-old named Marcel. He's a contortionist with the Cirque du Soleil.

Niles:
She's dating French circus folk?

Frasier:
Yes, well, he's actually perfect for Lilith. He has no apparent spine and she can wrap him around her finger.

Frasier:
Say, you know my agent, Bebe, said she might be stopping by. Have you heard anything?

Daphne:
No, and I hope she's not staying for lunch, I'm afraid we're fresh out of live mice.

Frasier:
I take it negotiations aren't going so well?

Bebe:
You remember that insulting figure you said you'd never accept?

Frasier:
Uh-huh.

Bebe:
They haven't come up to it yet.

Frasier:
Oh, come on in, Niles. Bebe's just bringing me up to speed on her depressing news about my contract negotiations.

Bebe:
Don't worry, dear. I just need to find a way to throw a scare into them.

Niles:
Have you tried turning into a bat?

Bebe:
I would, love, but most grown men don't share your fear of tiny creatures.

Niles is showing Frasier and Roz a rotund woman eating bear claws outside Café Nervosa

Roz:
Big deal. So she's overweight; you don't need to point it out! It's rude.

Frasier:
It's childish.

Niles:
It's Maris!

Frasier is still complaining about the caricature on the way home from the restaurant

Frasier:
Oh, so nothing about it jumped out at you as, oh, I don't know, encephalitic?!

Martin:
So they gave you a big forehead. Who cares? It makes you look smart.

Frasier:
It makes me look like I discovered fire!

Niles and Frasier take their seats at Stefano's, underneath the new portrait

Frasier:
Well, there it is. Frasier Cranium!

Frasier is very cross at the state of his kitchen after Simon used it

Daphne:
Yes, I guess they got some take-out.

Frasier:
It looked like a Kung Pao bomb went off!

He then erupts when he discovers a nude Simon in his bed

Martin:
Oh, that poor guy probably just needed a nap. It's the jet lag. Couple of days and he'll be on our time.

Frasier:
A couple more days, he'll be on our sidewalk!

Roz is not keen on Frasier's suggestion that he accompany her to Daphne's wedding

Roz:
Frasier, I can't go with you. I mean, going to a wedding with your boss is like going to the prom with your brother.

Frasier:
Niles and I did not go to the prom together!

[Daphne has told Frasier that she found out about Niles' long-time attraction to her.]

Frasier:
[furious] Somebody blabbed, didn't they? Why can't people just keep their mouths shut! Who was it? Dad? Roz?

Daphne:
You.

Frasier:
What?

[Daphne has passionately kissed Niles.]

Niles:
I think you can call me "Niles" now.

The final words of the episode, as Daphne and Niles prepare to leave the wedding together in the Winnebago

Niles:
Fasten your seat belt, Daphne.

Daphne:
Fasten yours, Niles!