Friends, Season 10

Chandler:
Now that I've untangled you, how about you do something for me?

Monica:
What do you have in mind?

Chandler:
I think you know.

Monica:
I really don't feel like it!

Chandler:
This is what I want to do.

Monica:
All right! I just don't see why you like it so much!

Chandler:
[holding up 'Miss Congeniality' tape] She's an FBI agent posing as a beauty contestant!

Ross:
Fajitas! Be careful. Very hot plate, very hot!

Rachel:
Ross, you don't even have oven mitts on!

Ross:
[laughs] That is gonna hurt tomorrow!

Ross:
Ah, love. L-O-V-E, love. L is for life. And what is life without love?

Rachel:
[to Joey and Charlie] Oh my, are we supposed to answer?

Ross:
O is for "oh, wow!" The V is for this very surprising turn of events, which I'm still fine with by the way. E is for how extremely normal I find it. That you two are together. And now one day you might get married and have children of your own.

[Joey and Chandler are discussing Joey's impending date with Rachel.]

Chandler:
Wow, so tonight might be the night. You nervous?

Joey:
Nah. This is the part I'm actually good at.

Chandler:
What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?

Joey:
It's okay!

Rachel:
But do you think that maybe, on some level, you don't want to take off my bra?

Joey:
No, I don't have another level.

Ross:
Is Emma awake yet?

Rachel:
It's still nap time. She'll be up soon.

Ross:
Where's Joey?

Rachel:
I said, it's still nap time.

[Joey awakes from his nap.]

Ross:
There's Uncle Joey! Say something to Emma for her 18th birthday!

Joey:
[starts to turn on his charm for the camera] 18, huh?

Ross:
[switches off the camera] NO!

Joey:
It's for her hot friends!

Ross:
When they see this you'll be 52!

Joey:
And starting to think about settling down!

Rachel:
Ross, don't forget to take a shot of Emma's cake. It's in a box in the fridge.

Ross:
Sure.

Rachel:
[to Monica] You're going to love this cake! I got from from a bakery in New Jersey, Carino's!

Monica:
That place has the creamiest frosting! I used to hitchhike there when I was a kid!

Rachel:
Well, they make make these great novelty cakes in different shapes; and if you give them a photo, they'll copy it in icing!

Monica:
Did you do a picture of Emma?

Rachel:
On a cake shaped like a bunny!

Ross:
Does this bakery by any chance bake erotic cakes, for bachelorette parties?

Rachel:
What are you talking? -OH, MY...! They put my baby's face on a penis!

[Everyone rushes to see the cake.]

Phoebe:
Now it's a party!

Rachel:
This is not funny! If I wanted this cake to be a disaster, I would have baked it myself!

Joey:
Is it okay that I still think it looks delicious?

Judy:
Jack, look at this!

Jack:
I know what you're thinking! The resemblance is uncanny!

[Everyone turns to look at Ross]

Ross:
[angry] I am THIS close to tugging on my testicles again!!

Rachel:
[on the phone] No, this is NOT what I ordered! I drove to New Jersey to get my daughter a cake for her birthday and I need a bunny cake right now!

Ross:
Ask them if it would be faster to cut the baby's face off the penis and put it on the bunny. [to himself] That is a weird sentence.

Rachel:
[on the phone with the bakery] Oh, believe you me, I am going to bring this cake back. I don't even want it in my home... JOEY, DON'T TOUCH IT!

Joey:
I'm so confused!

Rachel:
I still want my daughter's face on a cake, but a bunny cake! Yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts!

Chandler:
To be fair, this one does have nuts.

Charlie:
[to Ross] Hey, I have some time, if you wanna... [smiles seductively]

Ross:
Oh, I'd love to, but I really have to grade these papers.

Charlie:
Fine, I'll just shower by myself...

Ross:
[frenzied scribbling] B, B, B!

Charlie:
Uh, Ross, you just gave a B to a Pottery Barn catalog.

Ross:
It had some good ideas. Take off your shirt.

Joey:
Finished my recommendation, and I think you'll be very, very happy. It's the longest I've ever spent on a computer without looking at porn.

Chandler:
I don't... understand

Joey:
Some of the words a little too sophisticated for you?

Monica:
It doesn't make any sense.

Joey:
Of course it does. It's smart. I used a thesaurus.

Chandler:
On every word?

Joey:
Yep!

Monica:
What was this sentence originally?

Joey:
Oh, "They're warm, nice people with big hearts."

Chandler:
And that became, "They're humid, prepossessing Homo sapiens with full-sized aortic pumps."

Joey:
And hey, I really mean it, dude.

Monica:
Uh, Joey, I don't think we can use this.

Joey:
Why not?

Monica:
Well, because you signed it "Baby Kangaroo" Tribbiani.

[Phoebe and Mike are planning their wedding.]

Ross:
There's no way around it, Pheebs. You just got to accept the fact that this is going to cost you a lot of money.

Mike:
I heard that weddings are, like, a 40 billion dollar a year industry.

Ross:
Yeah, and I'm responsible for just, like, half of that.

Chandler:
Look! Look what the-Look what the floating heads did!

Monica:
I don't care.

Chandler:
What's going on?

Monica:
That was the adoption agency.

Chandler:
And?

Monica:
We're getting a baby!

Chandler:
ARE YOU SERIOUS?! [They embrace]

Monica:
Did you at least get the pies?

Phoebe:
Pies!?! We thought you said prize!

[Hands Monica Emma's trophy]

Monica:
Grand Supreme Little Darling?

Rachel:
Con-grat-u-la-tions!!!

Joey:
[Yells] JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!!

[Ross enters the cafe house wearing Rachel's shirt]

Ross:
So, what do you think?

Joey:
I think were not wearing the same shirt anymore!

Joey:
Dude, I don't think you should be wearing that.

Ross:
Oh, I see. Somebody's afraid of a little competition with the ladies?

Joey:
It looks like someone is the ladies!

[The friends and Emma are at Central Perk and Monica is enjoying a piece of chocolate cake.]

Monica:
Mmmm...this cake is amazing!

Rachel:
[repulsed] Get a room!

Monica:
I would get a room with this cake. I could show this cake a good time!

Phoebe:
If you had to, what would you give up? Food or sex?

Monica:
[quickly] Sex.

Chandler:
[unimpressed] Seriously, answer faster!

Monica:
I'm sorry! When she said sex I wasn't thinking about sex with you!

Chandler:
[still feeling hurt] It's like a giant hug!

Phoebe:
Ross, how about you? Which would you give up? Sex or food?

Ross:
[quickly] Food!

Phoebe:
How about sex or dinosaurs?

Ross:
[in a state of uncertainty] My...! It's like Sophie's Choice!

Rachel:
What about you Joe? What would you give up? Sex or food?

Joey:
[after thinking] I don't know, it's too hard!

Rachel:
No, you have to pick one!

Joey:
[quickly] Food! No, sex! Food! Sex! Food! Sex...I don't know, I want both! I want girls on bread!

Monica:
So, what'd you think of the house?

Chandler:
It's perfect! It's everything we've been looking for!

Monica:
Isn't it? And what about the amazing wainscoting and the crown molding and the dormer windows in the attic?

Chandler:
And the wigglewoms and the zipzorps?... What were the things you said?

Ross:
We think Chandler might be having an affair.

Monica:
What?

Rachel:
Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street, and then we followed them to a house in Westchester.

Phoebe:
They went in together. I'm so sorry.

Monica:
Oh, my... oh, my, that's awful... What did you think of the house?

Phoebe:
What?

Joey:
Monica, you understand what we're saying, right?

Monica:
Yeah... sure... I'm... devastated, obviously!... Did you think the neighborhood was homey?

[Chandler enters]

Chandler:
Hey!

Joey:
You son of a bitch.

Chandler:
Is it me, or have the greetings really gone downhill around here?

[On the game show Pyramid, Joey's partner Gene gets the word "cream."]

Gene:
You put this in your coffee.

Joey:
A spoon! Your hands! Your face!

Gene:
It's white.

Joey:
Paper! Snow! A ghost!

Gene:
It's heavier than milk.

Joey:
A rock! A dog! The earth!

Gene:
Pass! [Gene gets the word mayonnaise] You put this in a sandwich.

Joey:
Salami! Anchovies! Jam!

Gene:
It's white.

Joey:
Paper! Snow! A ghost!

Gene:
It's made from eggs.

Joey:
Chickens?

Chandler:
Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed?

Ross:
Well, then, who was on my bed?

Monica:
Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ross:
[pause, then it hits] No! No! No!

Monica:
Yes!

Ross:
You were under the pile of coats?

Monica:
I was the pile of coats!

Ross:
Oh my...!

Monica:
You were my midnight mystery kisser?

Ross:
You were my first kiss with Rachel?

Monica:
You were my first kiss ever?

Chandler:
What did I marry into?

Chandler:
[When he finds out he won't be in the wedding] I can't believe this it's like figure skating team all over again. I mean synchronized swimming, I mean the balance beam - help me!

Ross:
Football!

Chandler:
Thank you!

Phoebe:
And... moment's over! [Rachel, Joey and Chandler all turn and look disapprovingly towards Monica but she just shrugs it off] So, ok, uh, I can forget that. I can forget that and uhm... [She's flipping cards, skipping half of them] Oh this is funny! Oh, but you need to know that to... that, to... Oh, ok, well, uhm, I [Monica is miming CUT] Ok, ok, I, ok, I.... [Yells at Monica]MONICA I CAN'T DO IT LIKE THIS! THIS IS MY WEDDING! OKAY, I DON'T WANT THIS [she mimes Monica's when she was twirling her hands] OR THIS [She taps her watch] OR THIS [she mimes CUT] OK? I JUST WANTED A SIMPLE WEDDING! WHERE MY FIANCEE CAN GO TO THE BATHROOM ANYTIME HE WANTS! [Pause] You know what? You're done.

Monica:
What?

Phoebe:
YOU'RE FIRED! [Pause and she raises her glass] Cheers!

Rachel:
In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex, just do it!

Ross:
You're mad at me about last night? I was trying to do the right thing!

Rachel:
Really? Well, if you had done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed. I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied!

Ross:
Well...

Rachel:
Stop that!!

Ross:
I can't believe this! I was being a good guy! I treated you with respect and understanding!

Rachel:
[sarcastically] That's so hot!

Ross:
I was looking out for you!

Rachel:
I am a big girl! I don't need someone telling what's best for me!

Ross:
I've got to say, I've not had sex a lot of times before; this is the worst ever!

Rachel:
It wasn't very good for me, either!

Joey [Pheobe has walked out on trying to teach Joey French. When he comes in he says]

Phoebe:
As of today, my name is Princess Consuela Bananahammock.

Mike:
I thought you had to just make your name Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan!

Phoebe:
I can change it to anything I want.

Mike:
Well, if you can, I can. My name is Crap Bag.

Phoebe:
Will you please be Mike Hannigan again?

Mike:
Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffay.

Phoebe:
How about 'Buffay-Hannigan'?

Mike:
Really?

Phoebe:
Yeah. Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan-Bananahammock!

Mike:
Do you know what a bananahammock is?

Phoebe:
It's a funny word!

Mike:
It's a speedo!

Phoebe:
[pauses] Oh crap!

Joey:
[Caller ID from heaven] "Out of area." Boy, I'LL say!

Rachel:
You really think I didn't say goodbye to you because I don't care?

Ross:
That's what it seemed like.

Rachel:
I cannot believe that after ten years you do not know one thing about me!

Ross:
Fine. Then why didn't you say something?

Rachel:
Because it is too damn hard, Ross! I can't even begin to explain to you how much I am going to miss you. When I think about not seeing you every day, it makes me not want to go. Okay? So if you think I didn't say goodbye to you because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else, you're wrong. It's because you mean more to me. So there, all right? There's your goodbye.

Rachel:
[crying, barely understandable] I don't know what I'm going to do without you!

Monica:
[crying, barely understandable] You're the greatest friend I ever had.

Rachel:
[crying, barely understandable] I'm gonna miss seeing you everyday!

Monica:
[crying] What?

Rachel:
[crying, barely understandable] I...I...I... I'm gonna miss seeing you everyday!

Monica:
[crying, barely understandable] That is so sweet! [they hug]

Rachel:
Chick and the duck? Didn't they die-

Phoebe:
-Dive. Yeah, they dove headfirst into fun on the farm.

[the doctor just revealed that the second baby is arriving]

Monica:
I'm sorry. Who should be along in a what now?

Doctor:
You do know it's twins, right?

Chandler:
Oh, yeah. These are the faces of two people in the know!

Chandler:
What do we do?

Monica:
What do you mean "what do we do"?

Chandler:
Twins! Twins!

Monica:
Chandler, you're panicking.

Chandler:
Uh-huh! Join me, won't you?

Ross:
Okay, awkward question, the hospital knows you took two, right?

Monica:
What if the person who adopts the other one is horrible?

Chandler:
What if it's not? What if it's a king?

Monica:
[sarcastically] Yeah, because I hear the king is looking to adopt.

Chandler:
Have fun in church camp!

Chandler:
Next time, can I say breathe?

Monica:
No! The last time you did, you said it like Dracula and it scared her!

Chandler:
[while Erica is giving birth] Is it really that bad?

Erica:
Uh-huh. I think it's time to kick you in the nuts and see which is worse!

Monica:
I don't care if it's two babies. I don't care if it's three babies. I don't care if the entire cast of Eight Is Enough comes out of there!

Monica:
We decided to name the baby girl, Erica.

Erica:
Hey, that's just like my name!

Monica:
Son of a gun, it is.

Joey:
What kinds are they?

Monica:
This is a boy and that's a girl.

Chandler:
Yeah, her name's Erica.

Joey:
Hey, that pregnant girl's name was Erica.

Chandler:
Yeah, it's a shame you two never spent more time together.

[Phoebe and Ross are driving to John F. Kennedy Airport to find Rachel. Phoebe calls Rachel and tries to convince her to get off the plane in an attempt to stall her]

Rachel:
[Rachel's cell phone rings] Hello?

Phoebe:
Rachel! Oh good! Hey, by the way, did you just get on the plane?

Rachel:
Yeah.

Phoebe:
[to Ross:] For what it's worth, we would've caught her if we were at the right airport.

Ross:
[sarcastically] Yay...

Phoebe:
Uh, Rach, hang on. [Phoebe holds out her phone to Ross, but he refuses to talk and repeatedly mouths "No!"]

Rachel:
Phoebe, is everything okay?

Phoebe:
Um... actually, no. No, y-you have to get off the plane.

Rachel:
What, why?

Phoebe:
I have this feeling that something's wrong with it. Something is wrong with the left phalange.

[A passenger sitting beside her has been eavesdropping on her conversation and shows signs of worry.]

Worried passenger:
Um, ahem, what was that?

Rachel:
Oh! That was just my crazy friend. She told me I should get off the plane because she had a "feeling" that there was something wrong with the "left phalange".

Worried passenger:
Okay, uh, that doesn't sound good.

Rachel:
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it. She's always coming up with stuff like this and you know what? She's almost never right.

Worried passenger:
But she is sometimes?

Rachel:
Well?

[The man gets up from his seat and starts gathering his luggage from the overhead compartment.]

Flight attendant:
Excuse me, sir? Where you going?

Worried passenger:
Okay, I have to off this plane, okay? Uh, her friend has a feeling something's wrong with the left phalange.

Rachel:
[to flight attendant] Could I get some peanuts?

2nd passenger:
What's wrong with the plane?

Flight attendant:
There's nothing wrong with the plane...

Worried passenger:
The left phalange.

Flight attendant:
There's no phalange!

Worried passenger:
Oh my...! This plane doesn't even have a phalange!

2nd passenger:
Well I'm not flying on it.

Flight attendant:
Ma'am, please sit down!

3rd passenger:
What's going on?!

Worried passenger:
We're all getting off, there is no phalange!

Rachel:
Ah! This is ridiculous! I-- [she sees the passengers leave the plane and decides to leave as well] Yeah, okay.

[After failing to convince Rachel to get off the plane, Ross heads to his apartment in despair and finds a message from Rachel on his answering machine.]

Rachel:
Ross? Hi, it's me. I just got back on the plane and I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It's just that I... wasn't expecting to see you and then all of the sudden, you're there and saying these things and... now I'm just sitting here and thinking of all the stuff I should have said and I didn't. I mean, I didn't even get to tell you that I love you too. Because of course I do. I love you... I love you... I love you... what am I doing? I love you. Oh, I've gotta see you. I've gotta get off this plane.

Ross:
Oh, my god!

Rachel:
[to flight attendant] Okay, e-excuse me--

Flight attendant:
Ma'am, please sit down!

Rachel:
No, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, but I need to get off the plane, okay? I needed to tell someone that I love them.

Flight attendant:
Ma'am, I can't let you off the plane.

Ross:
[listening to the conversation] Let her off the plane!!

Flight attendant:
I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat.

Rachel:
Oh, please miss, you don't understand!

Ross:
Try to understand!!

Rachel:
Oh, come on, miss, isn't there any way that you could just let me off the-- [the message cuts before Rachel finishes her sentence]

Ross:
No, no!! Oh, my god, did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?

Rachel:
[coming into room] I got off the plane.

Ross:
You got off the plane.

[they passionately make out]

Rachel:
I do love you.

Ross:
I love you, too, and I am never letting you go again.

Rachel:
Okay, because this is where I want to be. Okay, no more of this, I don't wanna mess this up again.

Ross:
Me either, okay, we are done being stupid.

Rachel:
It's you and me, all right, this is it? You and me, this is it.

Ross :
This is it. Unless we're on a break.

[awkward pause]

Ross:
[to himself] Don't make jokes now...

[Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are listening to Charlie and Ross through the wall of the hotel room]

Chandler:
She's turning on the TV, it's Miss Congeniality!.

Monica:
Babe, if you know it through a wall, you know it too well.

Phoebe:
Look, [Long pause] Precious. Mike's not worth this, you're an attractive, intelligent woman and, let's face it, Mike's kind of a wang. I mean, he proposed to me while he was still seeing you, he was gonna break up with you on your birthday? And, I don't like to kiss and tell, but he cheated on you a lot this weekend.

Precious:
Oh my god, you know? Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't need him. I deserve to be treated with respect [Mike comes in] Screw you, Mike, you're a coward and a bastard and I hope you rot in hell! [Slaps him and leaves]

Phoebe:
You're welcome.

Ross:
I'm fine! Hey, I'm great! I'm just, I'm just proud of us. There's no weirdness, no tension.

Rachel:
No awareness.

Tanning Salon Guy:
Alright Mr. Geller, right this way. So, how dark do you want to be? We have 1, 2, or 3.

Ross:
Well uh, I like how you look, what are you?

Tanning Salon Guy:
Puerto Rican.

Ross:
Two, I think, a two.

Ross:
While we're waiting, why don't you guys record your message to Emma?

Chandler:
Hi Emma. It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap?

Charlie:
Wait, are you talking about the Dewar grant?

Ross:
Yeah, why?

Charlie:
Benjamin Hobart is administering that grant.

Ross:
Your ex-boyfriend?

Charlie:
Yeah.

Ross:
So your ex-boyfriend is going to determine if your new boyfriend gets this grant? Wow, your new boyfriend is screwed.

Benjamin:
Well, yes and no. Yes, I did say it, and no, I didn't not say it.

Monica:
[to the adoption lady] We're so glad you're here. We're really excited about getting this process started.

Chandler:
Because we love kids. Love them to death. Well, not actually to death. That's just a figure of speech. We love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law.

Chandler:
We don't feel we can host Thanksgiving this year.

Joey:
What?

Ross:
Are you kidding?

Chandler:
Well, just with work and the stress of adoption we just don't feel like we have the energy. Plus, we don't think it's fair that every year the burden falls on us.

Ross:
That doesn't sound like you. That's Monica talking!

Chandler:
No, no, we made this decision together.

Ross:
She's putting words in your mouth!

Joey:
Don't you put words in people's mouths. You put turkey in people's mouths.

Phoebe:
So Joey's out with my friend the other night and she reaches over and takes some of his fries...

Rachel:
Oh, no.

Phoebe:
You know about the plate thing?

Rachel:
Oh, yeah. Joey doesn't share food. I mean just, just lask week we were having breakfast and he had a couple grapes on his plate.

Phoebe:
[to Joey] You wouldn't let her have a grape?

Rachel:
Oh, no, not me. Emma.

Joey:
JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD.

Chandler:
My wife's an incredible woman. She's loving and devoted and caring. And don't tell her I said this, but the woman's always right... I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I... it kills me that I can't give her a baby... I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I'll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife... she's already there. She's a mother... without a baby... Please?

Monica:
[to Phoebe] OK, it's 2100 hours. Time for your toast.

Mike:
Do I have a minute to go to the bathroom?

Monica:
You had a bathroom break at 2030; pee on your own time, Mike... Now, in regard to the toast - OK, you wanna keep them short; nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. OK, you just get in, do your thing and get out.

Mike:
Is that what you say to Chandler?

Rachel:
[to the nurse] Excuse me, I'm here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green.

Ross:
And I'm Dr. Ross Geller.

Rachel:
[turns to face Ross] Ross, please. This is a hospital, OK? That actually means something here.

Ross:
[to Rachel] So, if you take this job you'll be moving to Paris?

Chandler:
Or facing a bitch of a commute.

Chandler:
Will we love it so much with her next door? And she's gonna be louder out here too. Just the crickets and [imitates Janice's voice] "Oh... My... God"!

Monica:
If we don't get this house, she's still going to show up wherever we go! At least if she's here, it eliminates the element of surprise. Never again will you have to hear the three words that make your balls jump back up inside your body!

Joey:
Let's play one more time, okay? And remember if I win, you do not move to Paris.

Rachel:
Okay, can't believe I'm risking this again, but you are on! Alright Joey you remember the rules, heads I win tails you lose!

Joey:
Just flip!

Rachel:
Ah! Tails!

Joey:
Damn it!

[Chandler pulls Monica aside when they are told that they are adopting twins]

Chandler:
What do we do?

Monica:
What do you mean 'what do we do'?

Chandler:
[frantically] Twins... Twins...

Monica:
Chandler, you're panicking!

Chandler:
Uh huh, join me, won't you? Okay what do you say we keep one and then just like have an option on the other one?

Monica:
We can't split them up!

Chandler:
Why not? We could give each of them half a medallion, and then years later they'll find each other... and be reunited. I mean that's a great day for everybody.

Monica:
I don't care if it's two babies. I don't care if it's three babies. I don't care if the entire cast of Eight Is Enough comes out of there!

[last lines]

Rachel:
Do you guys have to go to the new house right away or do you have some time?

Monica:
We've got some time.

Rachel:
Okay, should we get some coffee?

Chandler:
Sure. Where?