Friends, Season 2

[Ross and Julie have just arrived from China]

Julie:
We've gotta get some sleep.

Ross:
Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.

Chandler:
Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised.

Chandler:
Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a second?

Joey:
Sure.

Chandler:
Your tailor...is a very bad man!

Joey:
Frankie? What are you talking about?

[Ross comes near]

Ross:
What's up guys?

Chandler:
Joey's tailor [Pauses for a moment] took advantage of me.

Ross:
WHAT??

Joey:
Frank? No No. I have been going to the man for like 12 years.

Chandler:
He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then there was definite...

Joey:
What?

Chandler:
Cupping.

Joey:
That's how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?

Ross:
Yes yes, it is...IN PRISON!! What's the matter with you?!

Chandler:
[To Monica] Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.

[Monica wants to hide from Rachel the fact that she went shopping with Julie, so she creates an alibi.]

Monica:
Phoebe, listen. You were with me and we were shopping all day.

Phoebe:
What?

Monica:
We were shopping and we had lunch.

Phoebe:
Oh, all right. What did I have?

Monica:
You had a salad.

Phoebe:
Oh. No wonder I don't feel full.

Rachel:
[Enters] Hey, guys. What's up?

Phoebe:
I went shopping with Monica all day and I had a salad.

Rachel:
Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?

Phoebe:
Umm, we went shopping for, umm, for... fur.

Rachel:
You went shopping for fur?

Phoebe:
Yes... [Realizes what she said] And then I realized I'm against that... and, uh, so then we bought some... [Monica is pointing at her chest behind Rachel's back] uhh, boobs.

Rachel:
You bought boobs?

[Monica is yanking on her bra strap behind Rachel's back.]

Phoebe:
Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.

Phoebe:
Okay, y'know there's a lot of things I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean that they aren't true. Like...the Bermuda Triangle. Or crop circles. Or evolution.

Ross:
Whoa, whoa...you don't believe in evolution?

Phoebe:
Nope, not really.

[Phoebe reaches for a plate of cookies, Ross moves the plate away]

Ross:
You don't believe in evolution?!

Phoebe:
No, I think it's a good story... y'know, Darwin, monkeys... but I just don't buy it.

Ross:
Evolution is not something for you to buy, evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.

Phoebe:
Oh, okay - don't get me started on gravity.

Ross:
You, uh, you don't believe in gravity?

Phoebe:
Well, it's not so much that, you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know. Lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

[They hear a knock at the door.]

Chandler:
Uh-oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. Quick, Pheebs, up on the ceiling!

Rachel:
[To Chandler] You're not gonna end up alone.

Phoebe:
Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!

Monica:
You made it!

Phoebe:
You're there!

Rachel:
You are ready to make a commitment!

Chandler:
Whoa! Don't know about that.

Phoebe:
I wasn't in love with him, and I was just helping out a friend.

Monica:
Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month! And I saw you eat a cheeseburger!

[everyone gasps and turns to Pheobe]

Monica:
Well? Didn't you?

Phoebe:
I might've...

Monica:
I can't believe you didn't tell me.

Phoebe:
Oh, come on, like you tell me everything?

Monica:
What have I not told you?

Phoebe:
[smiling] Oh, I dunno, um, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace!

Monica:
WHAT?! Wait a minute! Who told you?!

[everyone's gasped and is running for the window except Chandler. Monica turns to him]:

Monica:
You are dead meat.

Chandler:
I didn't know it was a big secret.

Monica:
[smiles] Oh, it's not big. Not at all. Kinda on the same lines as, say, I don't know, having a third nipple!

[everyone gasps from the window before coming to rush around Chandler]:

Phoebe:
You have a third nipple?!

Chandler:
[to Monica] You bitch!

Ross:
Whip it out, whip it out!

Chandler:
Come on, there's nothing to see! It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless!

Rachel:
Oh, as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?

Joey:
I can't believe you! You told me it was a nubbin!

Ross:
Joey, what'd you think a nubbin was?

Joey:
I dunno, you see something, you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Let me see it again!

Everyone:
Lemme see it! Show us! I wanna see! Show us your nubbin!

Chandler:
[over everyone else] No! Forget it! NO! JOEY WAS IN A PORNO MOVIE!

[Everyone gasps including Joey, angrily pointing at Chandler]

Chandler:
If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me!

Everyone:
Oh, my GOD! You were in a porno movie?! What?!

Joey:
Alright, alright, alright. I was young, and I just wanted a job, okay? But at the last minute, I couldn't go through with it. So they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't, 'cause there's people havin' sex on it.

Everyone:
Wow! Whoa!

Monica:
That is WILD!

[Everyone immediately turns back to Chandler and his third nipple.]

Ross:
So what's it shaped like?

Phoebe:
Yeah, is there a hair on it?

Joey:
What happens if you flick it?

[Everyone is watching Joey's porno movie.]

Julie:
So is there, like, a story, or do they just start doing it right... oh, never mind.

Chandler:
Okay, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.

Monica:
All I say is, she better get the job.

Ross:
Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.

Ross:
Why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?

Chandler:
Oh. See, I had to tell her that your number was my number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number, because she thinks that my number is Bob's number!

Ross:
Hey, tell me again what I do when Mr. Roper calls?

[Ross, Chandler and Monica bought tickets for Hootie and the Blowfish concert for themselves and the others.]

Phoebe:
I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now.

Rachel:
Me neither.

Joey:
Me, too.

Monica:
Guys, we bought the tickets.

Phoebe:
Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.

Chandler:
Why did you look at me when you said that?

Phoebe:
[Singing] I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song Stop me if you've heard it My skin is soapy and my hair is wet And Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget

I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song

Stop me if you've heard it

My skin is soapy and my hair is wet

And Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget

[Joey and Chandler are babysitting Ben.]

Joey:
It's a known fact that women love babies, all right? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack of babes over there.

Caroline:
Hello.

Joey and Chandler:
Hello.

Caroline:
And who is this little cutie-pie?

Chandler:
Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?

Joey:
You wanna smell him?

Caroline:
I assume we're talking about the baby now.

[Joey and Chandler are trying to figure out which of two babies is Ben, whom they had left on the bus earlier.]

Joey:
Well, that one has ducks on his t-shirt and this one has clowns, and Ben was definitely wearing ducks...

Chandler:
Okay.

Joey:
...Or clowns. Oh! Oh, wait, that one's definitely Ben! Remember? He had that cute little mole by his mouth!

Chandler:
Yeah?

Joey:
Yeah.

[Chandler reaches for one of the babies.]

Chandler:
Hey, Ben, remember us?

[He quickly recoils from the baby.]

Chandler:
Okay, the mole came off. What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?

Joey:
Uh, uh...we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.

Chandler:
Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?!

Joey:
You got a better idea?

[Chandler digs a coin out of his pocket]

Chandler:
Okay, call it in the air.

[He flips the coin]

Joey:
Heads.

Chandler:
Heads it is.

Joey:
Yes!

[Joey turns to Chandler, relieved, while Chandler stares at him exasperatedly]

Chandler:
We have to assign heads to something!

Joey:
Oh! Right! Okay, okay, uh...ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.

[There is a long pause while Chandler stares at Joey disbelievingly]

Chandler:
(sarcastically) What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

Monica:
Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. You wanna work out? I can remake you.

Chandler:
Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying-around time.

[Ross confronts Rachel at Central Perk just as she is closing the cafe]

Ross:
I didn't get a cat!

Rachel:
Oh...that's interesting.

Ross:
No, it's not 'interesting'! It's very not interesting! It's 100% the opposite of interesting!

Rachel:
Okay, I got it Ross!

Ross:
You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me!

Rachel:
What?

Ross:
I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you!

Rachel:
I was doing great before I found out about you! Do you think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?!

Ross:
You should have said something before I met her!

Rachel:
I didn't know then! And how come you never said anything to me?!

Ross:
There was never a good time!

Rachel:
Oh, you only had a year! We only hung out every night!

Ross:
Not...every night! And it's not like I didn't try, but things got in the way! Like Italian guys, or ex-fiancees, or...Italian guys!

Rachel:
There was one Italian guy! Do you have a point?!

Ross:
The point is, I don't need this right now! It's too late! I'm with somebody else! I'm happy! This ship has sailed!

Rachel:
So are you just going to put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me?!

Ross:
I've been doing it since the 9th Grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it!

Rachel:
Okay, you go ahead and do that, Ross! I don't need your stupid ship! [Ross leaves, and she walks up to the door to shut it] And you know what? Now I've got closure!!

Chandler:
All right, check out this bad boy. Twelve megabytes of RAM, 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 BPS.

Phoebe:
Wow. What are you gonna use it for?

Chandler:
Games and stuff.

Chandler:
Oh, I know. This must be so hard. "Oh, no! Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!"

[The gang is decorating the Christmas tree]

Chandler:
I remember my father dressed in the red suit, the big black boots and the patent leather belt, sneaking around downstairs. He didn't want anybody see him, but he'd be drunk, so he'd stumble, crash into something, and wake everybody up.

Rachel:
Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.

Chandler:
Who said anything about Christmas?

[The gang is exchanging Christmas gifts]

Chandler:
Ok, I guess that just leaves the gifts from Joey and Chandler.

[Joey has just gotten two terrible reviews of his acting in a play.]

Joey:
I've been doing this for ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.

Ross:
Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just... paying your dues.

Joey:
No, no, no, it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit.

Monica:
Wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from the paper] "In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of..." continued on page 153... "sucking."

Joey:
My agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives!

Phoebe:
Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.

Chandler:
Hey, yeah, we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.

Mrs. Green:
[looks out the window] There's an unattractive nude man [Ugly Naked Guy] playing the cello.

Rachel:
Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.

Mrs Green:
Oh, this is so much fun, just the girls! Do you know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?

Rachel:
[Shocked]

Monica:
All right, look. Nobody is smoking any pot around all this food!

Mrs Green:
Well, that's fine. I never did it, I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex?

Rob:
Maybe if you just played some... regular kiddie songs?

Phoebe:
No. What do you, what do you want me to be - like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?

Rob:
I'm not saying you have to be Barney.

Phoebe:
Who's Barney?

Ross:
This is so exciting. I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year!

Chandler:
What, you never look down in the shower? [everyone looks at him] What, I can't make one reference to the classic "monkey-as-penis" joke?

Susie:
Excuse me. Is your name Chandler?

Chandler:
Uh, yes, yes it is.

Susie:
Chandler Bing?

Chandler:
Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?

[Rachel and Monica see Jean-Claude Van Damme on the set and Monica is smitten.]

Rachel:
So why don't you go talk to him?

Monica:
[sarcastically] Oh, yeah!

Rachel:
What? So you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute. What's the worst that could happen?

Monica:
He could hear me!

[The gang observes a video of a young, fat Monica getting ready for prom.]

Joey:
Some girl ate Monica!

Monica:
Shut up! The camera adds ten pounds!

Chandler:
Oh. So how many cameras are actually on you?

[a woman has just run away from Chandler because of his bracelet Joey gave him]

Chandler:
He could've gotten me a hat or a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me THE WOMEN REPELLER! The eyesore from the LIBERACE HOUSE OF CRAP!

Phoebe:
It's not that bad.

Chandler:
Easy for you to say; you don't have to go around wearing a REJECT from the MR. T COLLECTION! [Imitating Mr. T] "I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry! I do, I do!"

Ross:
You have a date? Who with?

Monica:
No one.

Ross:
C'mon, what's his name?

Monica:
Nothing.

Ross:
Come on, tell me.

Monica:
All right, but I'm very excited about this, okay, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.

Ross:
Oh, I promise. What?

Monica:
It's Richard Burke.

Ross:
Who's Richard Burke? Doc... Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a, uh, brother to Dad.

[Rachel and Ross making out, Ross turns over on Rachel and she gives a sudden start]

Rachel:
[surprised] Oh, honey. That's okay.

Ross:
[Realizes] Oh, no, you just rolled on the juice box.

Rachel:
[Laughs] Oh, thank God!

Phoebe:
Is this how it's going to work? Ross equals boss? What is this? 1922?

Rachel:
What's with 1922?

Phoebe:
Just... a really long time ago, when men used to tell women what do to a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing, but it sounds horrible.

[Phoebe and Rachel went to get tattoos. Phoebe chickened out.]

Rachel:
Phoebe, how could you do this to me? This was all your idea!

Phoebe:
I know, I know, and I was going to get it, but then he came in with this needle, and d-did you know they do this with needles?

Rachel:
Really! You don't say! Because mine was licked on by kittens!

[Phoebe got a call from a producer.]

Phoebe:
You are not gonna believe this: I have just been discovered!

Chandler:
Now, wait a minute. I claimed you in the name of France four years ago!

[Joey stops over at Chandler and Eddie's during breakfast to pick up his mail.]

Joey:
All right, that's it! He just comes in here, "Johnny New Eggs," with his moving the mail and his "See ya, pals!" [imitates Eddie's salute] And now there's no juice. There's no juice for the people who want the juice and need the juice. I need the juice!

Eddie [thinking what he's saying is a joke] I had this girlfriend, Tilly, and one morning we went to a restaurant and we got a huge stack of pancakes, and she says "Eddie," and I say "What," and she says "I don't think we should see each other anymore," and I immediately felt like she had torn out my heart and spread it all over my life. I feel like I'm going down a dark abyss and I'm fallin' and I'm fallin' and I'm fallin' and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop! [laughs, Chandler looks at him funny] That wasn't such a funny story, was it?

[Chandler has just told Eddie to get out of his apartment]

Eddie:
Well, that's kinda outta the blue.

Chandler:
[Angry] THIS IS NOT OUT OF THE BLUE! THIS IS SMACK-DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BLUE!

[Rachel is upset that Ross is telling her to hurry up.]

Rachel:
This isn't about the movie theater. This is about you stealing my wind.

Ross:
Excuse me - your wind?

Rachel:
How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?

Ross:
You know, um... I don't have a... have a... problem with that.

[Monica is watching Chandler sleep; Chandler, agitated by Eddie doing so, screams, causing her to scream]

Chandler:
Why must everybody watch me sleep? There will be no more watching me sleep! No more! Watching!

Monica:
I was-

Chandler:
Nah! No more.

[Monica serves Chandler and Joey some leftover chicken.]

Monica:
Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.

Chandler:
Well, how do you find clothes that fit?

Chandler:
Richard's really nice and everything. Uh... It's just that we don't know him really well, you know, and plus, he's, you know... old-

[Monica glares at Chandler.]

Chandler:
-er than some people. But, uh, younger... than some buildings!

[Joey and Rachel are waiting for Phoebe to get back from her father's house]

Joey:
[Pulling out a sandwich] Want half of my sandwich?

Rachel:
What kind is it?

Joey:
Ham and olive spread, no mayo.

Rachel:
[Sarcastically] Right, right, 'cause mayo would make it gross.

[a dog is trying to attack them and Joey throws his sandwich at him but he doesn't touch it]

Rachel:
Okay, Joey, the dog will lick himself but will not touch your sandwich. What does that tell you?

Joey [To Ross]:
Haven't you ever gotten beat up before?

Ross:
Yeah.

Joey:
I mean, by someone besides Monica.

Ross:
No.

Chandler:
Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, "I want you, Dennis," and stuck her tongue down my throat. I love this party.

Joey:
Quick volleyball question.

Chandler:
Volleyball?

Joey:
Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?

Chandler:
Joey, a woman just stuck her tongue down my throat. I'm not even listening to you.

[Joey stares at Monica's fake breasts.]

Monica:
Joey, they're not real.

Joey:
...Uh, what?

Monica:
Mine start miles beneath the surface. See. [squeezes one twice, it goes "HONK, HONK"]

Chandler:
Wow, it's like porno for clowns.

[Phoebe arrives to tell the gang about her submariner boyfriend.]

Phoebe:
He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together.

Rachel:
So, wait - this guy goes down for, like, two years at a time?

[Chandler, mouth full, groans in frustration.]

Monica:
That'll teach you to lick my muffin.

[Chandler, mouth full, groans in frustration again.]

[Phoebe has chicken pox and is being forced to wear oven mitts so as not to scratch]

Ross:
Oh, look, look, a low budget puppet show!

Phoebe:
[laughs sarcastically] It's such a shame you can't see what finger I'm holding up.

[Mindy's maid-of-honor Rachel appears in a poofy pink dress.]

Rachel:
I can't believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when you're nauseous!

[Rachel enters in her maid-of-honor dress and huge pink hat.]

Chandler:
I'm sorry - we don't have your sheep.

[Carol is nursing Ben]

Ross:
This is the most beautiful, natural thing in the world.

Joey:
Yeah, I know, but there's a baby sucking on it.

Ross:
This is my son having lunch, OK? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on.

[They go back into the living room]

Ross:
Carol?

Chandler:
Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?

Carol:
Sure.

Joey:
Uh, does it hurt?

Carol:
It did at first, but not anymore.

Joey:
Chandler?

Chandler:
So, uh, how often can you do it?

Carol:
As much as he needs.

Joey:
Ok, I got one, I got one. Uh, if he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?

Phoebe:
A plate of brownies once told me a limerick.

Chandler:
Were those funny brownies?

Phoebe:
Not especially, but you know what, I think they had pot in them.

[attending a lesbian wedding]

Joey:
It just seems so futile. You know? All these women, and nothin'! I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.

Chandler:
Now you understand how I feel every single day. The world is my lesbian wedding.

Joey:
[about the bracelet he gave Chandler] You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life?

Chandler:
Well, it'll probably slow it down at first, but once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track.

Ross:
[on the phone] Whoa, whoa whoa! Australopithecus isn't supposed to be in that display. No! No! No! Homo habilis was erect, Australopithecus was never fully erect!

Chandler:
Well, maybe he was nervous.

Chandler:
I'll just turn your bedroom into a game room or something. You know, put the foosball table in there.

Joey:
Whoa. Why do you get to keep the table?

Chandler:
I did pay for half of it.

Joey:
Yeah, and I paid for the other half.

Chandler:
All right, I'll tell you what: I'll play you for it.

Joey:
All right, you're on. I could take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass!

Chandler:
Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister!

Joey:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Which sister?

Rachel:
Ross, you are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean, you care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh.

Ross:
Oh hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea. Why don't you have Paolo over to have a romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock knock jokes.

Rachel:
Well, maybe they could find a way to bring you back.

Joey:
Nah, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor who could have saved me was me. It's supposed to be some kind of irony.

Ross:
Hi, Dr. Green. So, how's everything in the... vascular surgery... game?

Dr. Green:
It's not a game, Ross. A woman died on my table today.

Ross:
I'm sorry. See, that's the good thing about my job - all the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.