Friends, Season 5

[After Ross and Emily's disastrous reception.]

Joey:
You know, I think that went well.

Chandler:
It could've been worse; he could have shot her.

Joey:
All right, I'm gonna go say "hi" to the chick and the duck.

Phoebe:
Oh, me too!

Joey:
Why would you need to say "hi" to them? You've been feeding them for four days!

Phoebe:
Oh... right. Maybe I'll just go home.

Rachel:
No, you're not an idiot, Ross. You're a guy very much in love.

Ross:
Same difference.

Rachel:
Phoebe, you were right. I should've never gone to London, and from now on you make all of my decisions for me.

Phoebe:
Oh, no. I did that for someone once. I'm not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someone's life.

Monica:
I'll do it!

Ross:
I'm just going to wander around in the rain.

Rachel:
Uhh... it's not raining.

Ross:
I can't catch a break!

Rachel:
Monica? You're gonna be very proud of me. I just got us dates with two unbelievably cute nurses.

Joey:
Oh, my!

Rachel:
They're male nurses.

Joey:
Not in my head.

Chandler:
So, uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?

Phoebe:
They're gonna call her Chandler.

Chandler:
That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?

Phoebe:
Works on you.

Ross:
Okay, then. Here we go. Magic 8-Ball, should I never see Rachel again? "Ask again later." Later is not good enough! "Ask again later." What the hell! This is broken! It... it is broken!

Monica:
All right, let me see. Will Chandler have sex tonight? "Don't count on it." Seems like it works to me.

Phoebe:
I just found a selfless good deed; I went to the park and let a bee sting me.

Joey:
How is that a good deed?

Phoebe:
Because now the bee gets to look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy and I am not.

Joey:
Now you know the bee probably died when he stung you?

Phoebe:
Dammit!

[Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are all trapped in Monica's room. Chandler has his ear pressed to the door.]

Phoebe:
Can you hear anything?

Chandler:
Oh, yeah, someone just said, "Can you hear anything?"

[Joey is searching for something under Monica's bed. Monica turns around and sees Joey's butt sticking out from the top of her bed.]

Monica:
Hey, Joey's ass. What are you doing?

Joey:
[About Ross and Rachel] Well, remember when they had that big fight and broke up, and we got stuck in here with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said "Rachel" at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, you know? So I hid this in here.

[Places a small box on the bed filled with candy bars and other things.]

Monica:
Ooh! Candy bars, crossword puzzles...

Phoebe:
Ooh, Mad Libs! MINE!

[Chandler finds a few condoms in the box.]

Chandler:
Condoms?

Joey:
Hey, you don't know how long we're gonna be in here. We may have to repopulate the Earth!

Chandler:
And condoms are the way do that...!

Monica:
I'm really getting tired of always sneaking around all the time.

Chandler:
Me, too. What if we went away for the weekend? No interruptions and we could be naked the entire time.

Monica All weekend? That's a whole lot naked.

Chandler:
I'll say I have a conference and you can have a... uh... chef thing.

Monica:
I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair in Jersey!

Chandler:
Okay! You know you're not, though.

Joey:
That hotel you stayed at called. They said someone left an eyelash curler in your room.

Chandler [nervous]:
Yes, that was mine.

Joey:
I figured you hooked up with some girl and she left it.

Chandler:
That would have made more sense.

Joey:
I don't even feel like I know you any more. All right, I'm just going to ask you this one time. Whatever you say, I'll believe you. Were you or were you not on a gay cruise?

Monica:
We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man!

Rachel:
It was, like, this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a bigfoot or a yeti or something!

Monica:
And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him!

Rachel Yeah, I - I - I just pulled the tab and I just fogged his yeti ass!

Joey:
Uhh, like, dark hair, bushy beard?

Rachel:
Yeah!

Joey:
Yeah, you fogged Danny.

Rachel:
Please! We did not fog Danny!... Who's Danny?

Monica:
So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Rachel-ever-used sale.

Ross:
Touched, used, sat on, slept on.

Gunther:
I'll take it all.

Rachel:
No, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's gonna be screwed up for a long time. And besides, you know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced.

Monica:
Right, you only go for them five minutes before they get married.

Joey:
Come on, Chandler. Ross is our friend and he needs us right now. So why don't you be a grownup and come watch some TV in the fort?

Monica:
I'm sorry.

Chandler:
Well, sorry doesn't bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home.

[The duck walks by.]

Timmy [angrily]:
Oh, oh, I'm a duck. I go quack-quack. I'm happy all the time.

[Phoebe is talking about the literature class she's taking.]

Phoebe:
Yeah, well, I really liked that Lamaze class I took! You know, I just thought this time I'd go for something, you know, a little more intellectual... with a less painful final exam.

Ross:
Someone at work ate my sandwich!

Chandler:
Well, what did the police say?

Ross:
My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich! I can't believe someone ate it!

Chandler:
It's just a sandwich!

Ross:
Just a sandwich? I'm 30 years old, I'm going to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! SOMEONE ATE THE ONLY GOOD THING GOING ON IN MY LIFE! [pauses]

Monica:
I have enough stuff for one more sandwich. I was going to eat it myself, but...

Ross:
That would be incredible! Thank you so much! I still can't believe someone ate it!! I left a note!

Chandler:
[reading the note] "Knock-knock." "Who's there?" "Ross Geller's lunch." "'Ross Geller's lunch' who?" "Ross Geller's lunch; please don't take me, ok?"

Joey:
I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch!

Phoebe:
You want to hold on to your food, you have to scare people off. I learned that living on the street.

Ross:
Really? So what would you say? 'Keep your mitts off my grub'?

Chandler:
Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?

Phoebe:
[writing a note] This will keep them away from your stuff!

[Everyone sees the note and gasps]

Monica:
Phoebe, you are a bad-ass!

Phoebe:
Someday I'll tell you about the time I stabbed a cop!

Monica:
Phoebe!

Phoebe:
HE STABBED ME FIRST!!

Monica:
Danny, you know Rachel? She's nice. She's not bad to look at, right?

Rachel:
Thanks, Mon.

Danny:
Well, of course.

Monica:
Do you want to go out on a date with her?

Rachel:
Monica!

Danny:
Absolutely! Is Friday okay?

Monica:
Friday's perfect. She can't wait.

Danny:
[to Monica] On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly?

Danny:
I had a really nice time tonight.

Rachel:
So did I. I'm really glad Monica asked us out.

Ross:
No divorces in '99! [blows a party horn]

Rachel:
But your divorce hasn't been finalized yet.

Ross:
Just the one divorce in '99! [blows the party horn again] You know what, I'm going to be happy this year. I am going to make myself happy.

Chandler:
Do you want us to leave the room?

Ross:
I am going to do one thing that I have never done before. That, my friends, is my New Year's resolution.

Phoebe:
Ohh... that's a good one. Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.

Chandler:
That's a good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to find is a planeload of people whose New Year's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

[Phoebe is giving Joey guitar lessons.]

Phoebe:
You're questioning my methods.

Joey:
I'm not questioning it, Phoebe, I'm saying it's stupid.

Joey:
Look, it's not that big a deal. So Monica and Chandler are doing it.

Rachel:
I cannot believe you would say that!

Joey:
Sorry. Monica and Chandler are "making love."

Monica:
What's that noise you just made?

Chandler:
Oh, that? That's my work laugh.

Monica:
Your work laugh?

Chandler:
Yeah, and if you want to survive this party, you'll need to come up with one too.

[Outfitting him for a role, Rachel encourages Joey to carry a unisex leather bag.]

Joey:
But it is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man!

Rachel:
Exactly! Unisex!

Joey:
Tch! Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.

Rachel:
No, no, Joey! U-N-I-sex.

Joey:
Well! Ain't gonna say "no" to that!

Phoebe:
Lily's dead!

Frank Sr.:
She - what?

Phoebe:
She's dead.

Frank Sr.:
Are you sure?

Phoebe:
Well, if she isn't, cremating her was a big mistake.

Monica:
You are so cute. How did you get to be so cute?

Chandler:
Well, my grandfather was Swedish and my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.

Phoebe:
I'm going to kiss you now.

Chandler:
Not if I kiss you first. [They awkwardly put their hands on each other] Well...I guess there's nothing left for us to do but... but kiss.

Phoebe:
Here it comes. Our first kiss.

[They slowly reach each other and kiss, which Chandler breaks away from]

Chandler:
Okay, okay, okay, you win! You win! I can't have sex with you!

Phoebe:
And why not?

Chandler:
Because I'm in love with Monica!

Phoebe:
You're...you're what?

Chandler:
[as Monica, Rachel and Joey enter] Love her! That's right, I love her! I love you, Monica.

Monica:
I love you, too, Chandler.

Phoebe:
I thought you guys were doing it. I didn't know you were in love.

Ross [seeing Chandler and Monica from across his apartment] What are you doing?! GET OFF MY SISTER!!

Ross:
[after seeing Monica and Chandler through the window] CHANDLER! I SAW WHAT YOU WERE DOING THROUGH THE WINDOW! I SAW WHAT YOU WERE DOING TO MY SISTER. NOW GET OUT HERE!

Chandler:
Well, we had a great run. What was it - four, five months? That's more that most people have in a lifetime. So bye, take care, buh-bye then. [kisses Monica and gets ready to jump out the window]

Monica:
Where are you going?

Chandler:
Oh, I'm going on the lamb.

Monica:
Do you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?

Chandler:
Well, no, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry's about fourth, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married.

Rachel:
I brought reinforcements.

Ross:
You brought Joey?

Rachel:
Um... no, but I brought the next best thing.

[Chandler walks in.]

Chandler:
Hey.

Ross:
Chandler? You brought Chandler? The next best thing would have been Monica!

Chandler:
Normally I'd be offended, but she is freakishly strong.

Ross:
Look, I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. Okay, Rach, that's you. That's the couch.

Rachel:
Whoa, what's ... what's that?

Ross:
Oh, that's me.

Rachel:
Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself.

Ross:
No! That's ... that's my arm.

Chandler:
Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.

Monica:
[Trying to seduce Chandler] I've always found the men's bathroom very sexual. Haven't you?

Chandler:
No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out.

Monica:
Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are!

Chandler:
Oh. So?

Monica:
So we've gotta go upstairs and have a lot of sex and prove them wrong.

Chandler:
Honey, you've got to stop this competitive thing. Just to beat some other couple you want me to go upstairs and have sex with you over and over and over and... I'm saying no to this why? Get your coat!

Chandler:
You smoked.

Rachel:
I did not.

Chandler:
Yes you did. You look happy and sick-- you smoked!

Rachel:
All right, fine, but I had to. I had to do it for my career.

Chandler:
I wish I had to smoke for my career.

Joey:
Hi, Ben. So you want to be an actor, huh? Well, I go to tell you, it's no picnic. There's ton of rejection. No stability. I mean, one day you're Dr. Drake Ramoray. The next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle. It's a tough life. I mean, sure, okay you can get up whenever you want, watch T.V. all day, meet tons of women in acting class... Who am I kidding? I can't talk you out of this. It's a great life.

Chandler:
Rachel, did it bother you when Ross flirted with other women?

Rachel:
No, it bothered me when he slept with other women.

Rachel:
Ross! We broke up two years ago. You've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people.

Chandler:
[sniffs] This sandwich does smell good...

Joey:
Did I tell you to smell my sandwich?

Chandler:
I can't smell your sandwich?

Joey:
No! Half of the taste is in the smell! You're sucking up all the taste units!

Chandler:
Okay, I'll give them back [exhales].

Monica:
Man, I would be great in a war! I really think I'd make a fantastic military leader. I mean, I know I'd make general before any of you guys.

Chandler:
Before or after you were shot by your own troops?

Joey:
So is Staten Island really an island?

Ross:
Hence the name: Staten Island.

Joey:
Oh, I thought it was like Long Island.

Ross:
Also an island!

[Ross and Joey talk during a game of catch.]

Ross:
They found a Paleozoic amphibian in the jaws of a Mesozoic mastodon! How did it get there?

Joey:
Maybe this should be more of a quiet game.

[Rachel comes in with a hairless cat.]

Rachel:
Check it out!

Ross:
What... what is ?

Joey:
What... What the hell is that?

Rachel:
It... It's a cat.

Joey:
That is not a cat.

Rachel:
Yes, it is.

Ross:
Why is it inside out?

Phoebe:
[about which route to take to Vegas] Oh, if you take the northern route, there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees.

Joey:
Great! Problem solved!

Phoebe:
But on the southern route, there's a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe.

Joey:
Well, back to square one.

Joey:
Who would you rather sleep with: Monica or Rachel?

Ross:
Dude, you are sick.

Joey:
Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.

Monica:
Okay. You cannot tell Chandler. Okay? But I ran into Richard.

Phoebe:
Which Richard?

Monica:
The Richard.

Phoebe:
Richard Simmons?!

Monica:
No, my ex-boyfriend Richard. You know: the tall guy, mustache.

Phoebe:
Okay, that actually makes more sense. How was it?

Rachel:
No! Phoebe, just because I'm alone doesn't mean I wanna walk around naked. I mean, you live alone, you don't walk around naked.

Phoebe:
Uh-huh! Why do you think it takes me so long to answer the door?

Ross:
[speaking through the phone to the pens Company] Yes, Hello! I have a question, uhm!... I used your pen to draw on my friend's face. [something at the phone]... A beard and a mustache. [Something at the phone again] oh! Thank you!... [to Rachel] Yeah, it's not comin' off.

Rachel:
[talking on the phone, drunk] Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol. And you know, we would like some more beers, too... hello? Oh, wait... I forgot to dial!


[There is a knock at the door.] 


Ross:
That must be our alcohol and beers!

Joey:
[To Rachel] Hey Rach, how you doin'?

Rachel:
[grins] I'm doing good, baby. How you doin'?

Joey:
Ross, don't let her drink any more!

Nurse:
[pointing at Joey and Ross] Now, which one of you is the father?

Phoebe:
Oh no, neither of them are the father. The father is my brother.

Nurse:
Okaaay.

Rachel:
I am so gonna miss seeing you freak people out like that.

Rachel:
You know what we should do? We should play that game where everybody says what they're thankful for.

Joey:
Oh. I should be thankful for the wonderful fall we've been having.

Everybody:
YEAH.

Joey:
I remember one day I was at the bus stop and this cool fall breeze came blowing out of nowhere and totally lifted this chick's skirt. Oh. And I'm also thankful for thongs.

Ross:
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, "No divorces in '99. Whoo."

Rachel:
But your divorce isn't even final yet.

Ross:
Just the one divorce in '99. WHOO. You know what? I'm going to be happy this year, I'm gonna make myself happy.

Chandler:
Do you want us to leave the room, or...?

Chandler:
[giving up on his resolution not to make fun of his friends] I can't take it any more! So you win, okay? Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today - Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What? Are you dating a character from Fraggle Rock?

Ross:
Janice and I have a lot in common. We've both been divorced, we both have kids...

Phoebe:
So you're gonna see her again?

Joey:
Phoebe, don't put ideas in his head!

Ross:
I am gonna see her again.

Joey:
Dammit, Phoebe!

Joey:
Hey Ross, will you pass me that knife?

Ross:
No, I will not!

Joey:
Oh, it's okay. You don't have to be so mean about it.

Ross:
You're right, I'm sorry. Will you marry me? [They all laugh].

Phoebe:
Aw, and I was gonna ask you to marry me because I forgot to say hello to you last week.

Caitlin:
Where's the chicken?

Chandler:
Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off. Said, "Eggs came first."

Monica:
Open your eyes.

Rachel:
They are.

[Rachel's eyes are closed]

Monica:
How many fingers am I holding up?

Rachel:
Four.

Monica:
Oh, my God. I was thinking four.

Rachel:
Really?

Monica:
OK, now this is just practice. One... two... three.

[Rachel quickly jerks her head to avoid the eyedrops]

Monica:
My pillow's all wet.

Rachel:
Well, you said it was practice.

Monica:
Then why did you move your head?

Rachel:
Because I knew you were lying.

Phoebe:
This place is so much better than London! Okay? This lady dressed like Cleopatra gave me a coupon, 99 cent steak and lobster dinner. Huh!

Monica:
Phoebe, you don't eat animals.

Phoebe:
For 99 cents, I'd eat you.

Phoebe:
Yeah, from now on everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk first! You move on to someone else, I'm gonna be one step ahead of you, every single time! And then I'll be on your ass every hour of every day 'til Monday, because that's when I go home. When do you leave?

The Lurker:
Also Monday.

Phoebe:
What time? Maybe we can share a cab!