Futurama, Season 1

Fry:
Space. It seems to go on forever. But then you get to the end and the gorilla starts throwin' barrels at you.

Fry:
Hello? Pizza delivery for uh... I.C. Wiener? Aww crud. I always thought by this point in my life I'd be the one making the prank calls.

Leela:
I'm an alien, alright? Let's drop the subject.

Fry:
Leela farted in the store,it smelled like ham everyone could hear it and smell it, she is precious.

Leela:

[Fry's first glimpse of the future]

Fry:
My God, it's the future. My parents, my co-workers, my girlfriend. I'll never see any of them again.

[Pause.]

Fry:
YAHOO!!!

Fry:
Can't you just leave me alone? I'm miserable enough already

Leela:
I know it's not much consolation, but I know how you feel

Fry:
No you don't. I've got no home, no family

Bender:
No friends

Leela:
This is Officer 1-B D-I requesting backup.

[The camera pulls back to reveal two police officers standing right next to her.]

Officer Smitty:
We'll be there in 5 minutes.

Fry:
Whoa… a real live robot! Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume?

Bender:
Bite my shiny metal ass.

Fry:
It doesn't look so shiny to me.

Bender:
Shinier than yours, meatbag.

Fry:
Why would a robot need to drink?

Bender:
I don't need to drink. I can quit anytime I want!

Leela:
I'm sure this must be very upsetting for you.

Fry:
Y'know, I guess it should be but, actually, I'm glad. I had nothing to live for in my old life. I was broke, I had a humiliating job and I was beginning to suspect my girlfriend might be cheating on me.

Leela:
Well, at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator.

Fry:
Are we going to fly all over space, fighting monsters and teaching alien women how to love?

Farnsworth:
If by that you mean delivering cargo, then yes. It's a little home business I started to fund my research.

Fry:
Cool. What's my job gonna be?

Farnsworth:
You're gonna make sure the cargo reaches its destination.

Fry:
So, I'm a delivery boy?

Farnsworth:
Exactly.

Fry:
All right! I'm a delivery boy!

Leela:
Fry, we have a crate to deliver.

Fry:
Well, let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it.

Bender:
Too much work. Let's burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer.

Amy:
Leela's gonna kill me.

Bender:
No, she'll probably make me do it.

Bender:
I'm going to build my own theme park! With blackjack! And hookers! You know what- forget the park!

Bender:
Oh, no room for Bender, eh? I'll build my OWN lunar landing... with blackjack, and hookers! In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack! Ehh, screw the whole thing.

Craterface:
Hi, I'm Craterface. Welcome to Luna Park. I'll have to confiscate your alcohol, sir.

Bender:
Better mascots than you have tried. (takes a swig of booze and jams the bottle in Craterface's eye)

Craterface:
At least I have my self-respect. (laughs, then sobs quietly)

[Farnsworth watches Fry, Bender and Leela trying to escape from the Moon Farmer on a telescope]

Farnsworth:
My God! I've got to save them! Although I am already in my pajamas. [falls asleep]

Zoidberg:
Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain.

[Fry opens his mouth]

Zoidberg:
No, no, not that mouth.

Fry:
I only have one.

Zoidberg:
Really?

Fry:
Uh... is there a human doctor around?

Zoidberg:
Young lady, I am an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say "brglgrglgrrr"!

Fry:
Uh... brglgrglgrglgrrr!

Zoidberg:
What? My mother was a saint! Get out!

[Fry and Leela are taking a ride on the Moon Park]

Moon Rover Ride Narrator:
The story of lunar exploration started with one man - a man with a dream.

Animatronic Ralph Kramden:
One of these days, Alice-- Bang, zoom, straight to the moon!

Leela:
Wow! I never realized the first astronauts were so fat.

Fry:
That's not an astronaut, it's a TV comedian! And he was just using space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife

Animatronic Whalers:
[Singing] We're whalers on the moon,

We carry a harpoon.

But there ain't no whales,

So we tell tall-tales,

And sing our whaling tune.

Fry:
Uh, greetings Moon Man, we come in peace. I am Fry from the planet Earth.

Sal:
Wise guy, huh? If I wasn't so lazy I'd punch you in the stomach.

Fry:
But, you are lazy right?

Sal:
Oh, don't get me started!

Fry:
Hey, I got everyone magnets. [puts one on Bender's head]

Bender:
Get it off! Get it off! [singing] How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a...

[Fry removes magnet]

Bender:
Don't ever do that! Magnets interfere with my inhibition unit.

Fry:
So you flip out and start acting like a crazy folk singer?

Bender:
Yes. I guess a robot would have to be crazy to be a folk singer...

Bender:
You know, Fry, out of all the friends I've ever had... you're the first.

[In their search for a new apartment, Fry, Bender and Leela check out a "suspiciously fantastic apartment"]

Fry:
I don't get it. What's the catch?

Salesman:
Oh, no catch. Although we are technically in New Jersey.

[cut to Fry, Bender and Leela at the Planet Express employee lounge]

Fry:
Not one place even remotely liveable.

Bender:
[in his sleep] Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all humans...

Fry:
Bender, wake up!

Bender:
Wh-uh? I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.

Fry:
Where's the bathroom?

Bender:
The bath what?

Fry:
Bathroom.

Bender:
The what room?

Fry:
Bathroom!

Bender:
The what what?

Fry:
Never mind.

[Bender goes back to sleep.]

Bender:
Hey, sexy mama, wanna kill all humans?

Farnsworth:
(Talking on the phone) Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. How's his wife holding up? To shreds, You say.

Bender:
Not enough room? My place is two cubic meters, and we only take up 1.5 cubic meters. We've got room for a whole 'nother two thirds of a person!

[Fry, Bender and Leela are checking out an appartment based on the "Relativity" print by M.C. Escher]

Leela:
Wow, this is fantastic.

Fry:
I don't know, I don't want to pay for an extra dimension we're not going to use.

Bender:
This last week with Fry has been great. Beneath his warm, soft exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.

Calculon:
I've been processing this for quite sometime, Monique, will you marry me?

Monique:
Oh, Calculon! Yes!

[Calculon fits the ring on Monique's finger]

Monique:
It fits! Then you must know I'm...

Calculon:
Metric? I've always known, but for you I'm willing to convert

Prof. Farnsworth:
Oh, fuff! Fry's not causing any trouble. Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy. I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy. This sarcophagus should contain the remains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled Zuban 5 over 29 million years ago.

[Fry walks past the lab eating the mummy.]

Fry:
Hey, Professor, great jerky!

Farnsworth:
My God, this is an outrage! I was going to eat that mummy!

Zapp Brannigan:
Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal. Right, men?

Unseen Man:
You suck!

Zapp Brannigan:
Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.

Leela:
You know Zapp, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside, you were just a pitiful child. But now I realize that outside that child is a big pompous buffoon!

Zapp Brannigan:
And which one rocked your world?

Leela:
Look, last night was a mistake.

Zapp Brannigan:
A sexy mistake.

Leela:
No, just a regular mistake.

Zapp Brannigan:
In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.

Zapp Brannigan:
We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?

[Short pause]

Zapp Brannigan:
Kif, I'm asking you a question.

[Kif groans]

Zapp Brannigan:
Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love: hard and fast.

Zapp Brannigan:
So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious.

Leela:
Birds don't crawl.

Zapp Brannigan:
They've been known to!

Leela:
Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals whether you like it or not.

Zapp Brannigan:
Go ahead. I won't stop you.

Leela:
Threaten all you-- Wait. What?

Zapp Brannigan:
We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in. Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy... bam!

Zapp Brannigan:
Welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it, "the Lovenasium". Sham-pag-in?

Leela:
I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer.

Zapp Brannigan:
Well, I have studied abroad...or two!

Zapp Brannigan:
Captain's journal. Star date; 3000.3.

Kif:
Who are you talking to, sir?

Zapp Brannigan:
You! Aren't you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner... ravioli, ham, sundae bar.

Farnsworth:
It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals.

Leela:
Animals?

Farnsworth:
That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds.

Leela:
Wait! What about the animals?

Farnsworth:
Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow.

Leela:
Yes, but what about the animals?

Farnsworth:
The wha?

Leela:
The animals.

Farnsworth:
I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals.

Robot #1:
Administer the test.

Robot #2:
Which of the following would you most prefer? A: a puppy, B: a pretty flower from your sweetie, or C: a large properly formatted data file?

Robot #1:
Choose!

[Fry and Leela confer for a bit.]

Fry:
Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way?

Robot #2:
No, it is the bad kind of puppy.

Leela:
Then we'll go with that data file!

Robot #2:
Correct!

Robot #1:
The flower would also have been acceptable.

Fry:
Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten store-bought costumes.

Leela:
Yeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant.

Bender:
Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday.

Fry:
Really? Which one?

Bender:
Only Robannukah, the holiest two weeks on the robot calendar.

Leela:
Oh, come on, Bender. Last month it was "Robomadom" and before that "Robonza".

Fry:
Man, that one was a blast!

Bender:
It wasn't just "a blast". It was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest.

Farnsworth:
He's good, alright. But he's no Clem Johnson. And Johnson played back in the days before steroid injections were mandatory.

Fry:
I don't get this. Is Blernsball exactly the same as baseball?

Farnsworth:
Baseball? God forbid.

Leela:
Face it, Fry, baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie.

Fry:
It wasn't bori- (cuts himself off) so they finally jazzed it up.

Robot Mayor:
Welcome to a very special human hunt! We have with us today a guest whose irrational hatred for humans makes me look like a human sympathizer!

[The robots in the crowd laugh]

Robot Mayor:
A newly-arrived refugee from Earth, let's hear it for... Bender!

Fry:
It's him! He's OK!

Bender:
Death to humans!

[The robots in the crowd cheer]

Fry:
Aww... It's good to hear his voice.

Fry:
We're rescuing ya.

Bender:
I don't want to be rescued.

Fry:
Say what?

Bender:
I love this planet! I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of sleaze that those things bring.

Bender:
Now Wireless Joe Jackson - there was a blern-hitting machine.

Leela:
Exactly! He was a machine designed to hit blerns. Wireless Joe Jackson was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels.

Bender:
Oh, and I suppose Pitch-o-Mat 5000 was just a modified howitzer!

Leela:
Yep.

[Fry is playing a compact disc recording of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back;" Leela turns it off.]

Leela:
Fry, you can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music.

Fry:
I could if you hadn't turned on the light and shut off my stereo.

Voice on TV:
Do you remember when chocolate-chip cookies came fresh out of the oven? Petridge Farm remembers

Fry:
Oh, those were the days...

Voice on TV:
Do you remember when women weren't allowed to vote and certain folk weren't allowed on golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers.

Fry:
I finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends, it's things.

Bender:
I'm a thing...

Mom:
Now I'm off to some charity BS for knocked-up teenage sluts.

Mom:
Toodle-oo! [Under her breath.] Dumbass...

Fry:
What a nice lady.

Prof. Farnsworth:
I'm sorry, Fry, but anchovies went extinct in the 2200s.

Fry:
Wha?

Prof. Farnsworth:
Oh, my, yes. Fished out of existence... just about the time your people arrived on Earth, Dr. Zoidberg.

Zoidberg:
I'm not on trial here.

Fry:
So, none of you have ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were salty and oily and melted in your mouth...

Zoidberg:
Okay, okay! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying one more couldn't hurt, and then they were gone! We're sorry!

Leela:
You're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy?

Prof. Farnsworth:
Uh, what? Oh, yeah, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters, atomic supermen with octagonal shaped bodies that suck blood...

[Fry is serving pizza with anchovies]

Fry:
Okay, my friends, get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted.

Amy:
I don't know, I've had cow.

Leela:
I don't get it, Fry. Who was Ted Danson, and why did you bid $10, 000 for his skeleton?

Fry:
I have an idea for a sitcom.

Zoidberg:
That stench. That heavenly stench! [Eats all the anchovies] More...More...

Fry:
There aren't any more, and there never will be.

Zoidberg:
[advances menacingly] More...More! More! MORE!!!

[Bender is watching a cooking show called Essence of Elzar]

Fry:
Hey, whatcha watching?

Leela:
Is that a cooking show?

Bender:
[turns off the TV] No, of course not. It was... uh... porno. Yeah, that's it.

Leela:
[turns the TV back on] Bender, I didn't know you liked cooking. That's so cute.

Bender:
Aww, it's true. I've been hiding it for so long.

Fry:
It's okay, Bender. I like cooking too.

Bender:
[sotto voce] Pansy.

Leela:
Look at all these guys. Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was?

Fry:
Uhh...... 80,000 years?

Leela:
No, one week!

Fry:
Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low.

Fry:
It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. Also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you?

Fry:
That was the saltiest thing I ever tasted! And I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt!

Bender:
There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose.

Zoidberg:
Uh-oh! I shouldn't have had seconds.

Fry:
It's no use. I want to cry, but I'm just too macho.

Bender:
I'll make you cry, buddy. You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything!

Fry:
Wha'd'you mean? I was emperor of a whole planet.

Bender:
Good point... but here's a disturbing reminder: anyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead.

Fry:
These things happen.

Bender:
Okay, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one, 'cause there's no god and your idiotic human ideals are laughable. Ha ha ha!

Fry:
Phew, that's a load off my mind.

Fry:
Now that you mention it, I do have trouble breathing underwater sometimes. I'll take the gills.

Organ Salesman:
Yes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need lungs anymore, is right?

Fry:
Can't imagine why I would.

Organ Salesman:
Lie down on table. I take lungs now, gills come next week.

Leela:
I know you like cooking shows, but you're a robot. You don't even have a sense of taste.

Bender:
Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top.

Hermes:
Bender, it has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf around on the couch.

Bender:
You call that a couch? I demand a pillow!

Murg:
This is Your Majesty's harem. You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort.

Fry:
Puh, puh, puh... How about that one?

Murg:
Oh, I didn't realize Your Majesty was into that sort of thing.

Fry:
On second thought, I'll take that one.

Murg:
Hey, whatever you say. I'm not here to pass judgement.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Good news, everyone!

Bender:
Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that.

Prof. Farnsworth:
You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol. A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone.

Bender:
Thank you and goodnight.

Leela:
Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone?

Prof. Farnsworth:
Why, of course! It's just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror!

Fry:
[After testing the Smell-o-Scope] Just don't make me smell Uranus! [Laughs]

Leela:
I don't get it.

Professor Farnsworth:
I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.

Fry:
So what's it called now?

Professor Farnsworth:
Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you.

Bart Simpson-doll:
Eat my shorts!

Bender:
Okay! [Eats the doll's shorts.] Mmm, shorts.

Fry:
Hey, you have no right to criticize the 20th century. We gave the world the light bulb, the steam boat and the cotton gin.

Leela:
Those things are all from the 19th century.

Fry:
Yeah, well, they probably just copied us.

Wernstrom:
And what will you be presenting this evening, professor?

Farnsworth:
Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers in your place.

Wernstrom:
I just hope it's not that lame death clock you presented last year.

Farnsworth:
Uh... last year, you say?

Wernstrom:
That's right.

Farnsworth:
Oh, my. Did it put you young whippersnappers in your place?

Wernstrom:
Hardly. We all laughed so hard our teeth fell out. Come along, Cinnamon.

[Wernstrom leaves with his fish]

Farnsworth:
Oh, dear. I'll have to invent something new in the next ten minutes. Perhaps some sort of death clock.

Professor Farnsworth:
I daresay that Fry has discovered the smelliest object in the known universe!

Bender:
Ooh, name it after me!

[The Planet Express crew has watched an online movie about the solution to the garbage problem in New York.]

Fry:
Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography.

Professor Farnsworth:
Actually, that's still true.

[In the movie.]

Female Scientist:
Now that the garbage ball is in space, Doctor, perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions?

Male Scientist:
With gusto. [The two scientists begin disrobing.]

[Fry, Leela, and Bender are on the big garbage ball. Leela places the bomb in the ground.]

Leela:
Get ready to run. We got 25 minutes.

[Leela presses the button on the bomb. The timer beeps and the number changes]

Leela:
Uh, 15 minutes. [The timer beeps again.] 5 minutes. [The timer beeps again.] "6h" minutes?

[Bender picks up the bomb and turns it upside down]:

Bender:
There's your problem: the professor put the counter on upside down!

Leela:
That idiot! It wasn't set for 25 minutes; it was set for 52 seconds!

Fry:
[screams] AHHHH! We're gonna die!...Right?

Bender:
Right.

[Fry screams again]

[After escaping Robot Hell]

Bender:
Don't worry, guys. I'll never be too good or too evil again. From now on, I'll just be me.

Leela:
Uh... Do you think you could be a little less evil than that?

Bender:
I don't know... Do you think you could survive a seven-hundred foot fall?

Fry:
[Chuckles] Good ol' Bender.

Leela:
Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are you jacking on in there?

Bender:
[Nervous] No! Don't come in!

Leela:
Bender, we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your pornography ring.

Zoidberg:
In fact, that's why we loved you.

Leela:
But this electricity abuse crossed the line. You almost killed us.

Fry:
And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. Just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs, and then he sold me my mom's VCR, and then, later, I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend.

Robot Devil:
We know all your sins, Bender! And for each one we've prepared an agonizing and ironic punishment! Gentlemen...

[A robot-demon band plays up-tempo music]

Bender:
Ah, crap. Singing... Mind if I smoke?

Robot Devil:
[Singing] Cigars are evil, you won't miss 'em,

We'll find ways to simulate that smell.

What a sorry fella, rolled up and smoked like a donnetela,

Here on Level One of Robot Hell.

Gambling's wrong and so is cheating, so is forging phoney IOU's

Let's let Lady Luck decide what type of torture's justified,

I'm pit boss here on Level Two.

Ooo, deep-fried robot!

Bender:
Just tell me why...

Robot Devil:
Check out this 55-page warrant.

Bender:
There must be robots worse than I...

Robot Devil:
We've checked it out; there really aren't!

Bender:
Then please let me explain,

My crimes were merely boy-ish pranks...

Robot Devil:
You stole from boy scouts, nuns, and banks!

Bender:
Ah, don't blame me; blame my upbringing! [Tries to take the Robot Devil's wallet]

Robot Devil:
Please stop sinning while I'm singing!

Selling bootleg tapes is wrong,

Musicians need that income to survive

Beastie Boys:
Hey, Bender, gonna make some noise,

With your hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys!

[Ad-Rock plays on Bender's hardrive with his tongue]

That's whatcha, whatcha, whatcha get on Level Five!

Fry:
[On the slide] I don't feel well...

Leela:
[On the slide] It's up to us to rescue him.

Fry:
Maybe he likes it here in Hell...

Leela:
It's us who tempted him to sin.

Fry:
Maybe he's back at the motel...

Leela:
Come on, Fry, don't be scared,

I'm sure at least one of us will be spared,

So just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Fry:
My ass has blisters from the slide!

Robot Devil:
Fencing diamonds,

Fixing cockfights, publishing indecent magazines,

You'll pay for every crime, knee-deep in electric slime,

You'll suffer till the end of time,

Enduring tortures, most of which rhyme,

Trapped forever here in Robot Hell!!!

Fry:
Bender, are you alright?

Bender:
No! Oh, they tortured me with up-tempo singing and dancing!

Prof. Farnsworth:
Good news, everyone! Today you'll be delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet.

[After delivering the subpoenas]

Fry:
I know Big Vinny said he was giving me the Kiss of Death, but I still think he's gay.

Leela:
Did he use his tongue?

Fry:
A little.

[at a Beastie Boys concert]

Leela:
They're laying down mad rhymes with an 80% success rate.

Bender:
I believe that qualifies as ill, at least from a technical standpoint.

Hermes:
Our electrical bill is climbing higher than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone here has been using a whole heap of juice. Probably you!

Zoidberg:
Me?

[Later]

Hermes:
And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt water cooler.

Zoidberg:
This is a witch hunt!

Bender:
In the name of all that is good and logical, we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerematic, one-zero-zero-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one... [later] ... zero-one-zero-one-one-zero-zero-one... two. Amen.

Kif:
Sir, can I speak with you?

Zapp Brannigan:
No!

Kif:
But, sir, it's an emergency.

Zapp Brannigan:
Come back when it's a catastrophe.

[The ship shakes and rumbles]

Zapp Brannigan:
[stands up] Oh, very well.

Leela:
That was the worst delivery ever.

Fry:
Yeah, I'm never going to another planet called Cannibalon.

Bender:
Me neither! Food was good, though.

Zapp Brannigan:
Kif, I'm feeling the "Captain's itch".

Kif:
I'll get the powder, sir.

Bender:
You all go without me! I'm gonna take one last look around, you know, for, uh, stuff to steal!

Fry:
You're going back for the Countess, aren't you?

Bender:
All right, I am. But I don't want the others to know. If I don't come back, just say I died robbing some old man.

Fry:
I'll tell them you went down prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger.

Bender:
[hugging Fry] I love you, buddy!

Countess de LaRoca:
Bender, you risked your life to save me!

Bender:
And I'd do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it.

Kif:
Sir, remember your course correction?

Zapp Brannigan:
No.

Kif:
Well, it's proving somewhat more suicidal than we had initially hoped.

Bender:
Wait, my cheating unit malfunctioned. You gotta' give me a do-over.

Craps dealer:
Sorry, the house limit is three do-overs.

Zapp Brannigan:
But as a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman, I'll be on Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure.

Prof. Farnsworth:
Thank God there's plenty of escape pods. We won't have to dress up like women and children.

[The camera pulls back to reveal Farnsworth dressed in a kid's sailor outfit and holding a lollipop]

Leela:
Oh, God, not Zapp Brannigan.

Dr. Zoidberg:
You know Zapp Brannigan?

Leela:
Let's just say we've crossed paths.

Bender:
Was that before or after you slept with him?

Zapp Brannigan:
Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. I guess all that remains now is for the captain to go down with the ship.

Kif:
That's surprisingly noble of you, sir.

Zapp Brannigan:
No, it's noble of you, Kif. As of now, you're in command. Congratulations, Captain.

Fry:
You're not jealous, are you?

Leela:
No!

Fry:
Good, 'cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more meaningful.

Fry:
Oh. Look, I'm not actually interested in her, if that's what's bothering you.

Leela:
Oh, are you sure? I mean, she has two eyes, you have two eyes...?

Fry:
I know. We seem like a perfect match. But, I just don't feel that way about her.

Leela:
Well, accommodations aren't great, but it sure is beautiful out here

Fry:
Yeah, it's pretty romantic- I mean, platonic, that sure is one platonic view.

Leela:
Fry, just be quiet, I'm starting to think this whole fake fiance thing was a terrible, terrible [gasps]

[Leela surprises Fry with a big kiss in front of Zapp. After Zapp leaves, Leela breaks the kiss]

Leela:
Uh, look... Before you get any crazy ideas, that was for Zapp.

Fry:
Well, you got anything else for him?

Kif:
This is a pleasure cruise. Our path is decided by the travel agency.

Zapp Brannigan:
That's for schoolgirls. Now here's a course with some chest hair. [Draws a meandering line on the chart]

Kif:
But that leads us straight through a swarm of comets.

Zapp Brannigan:
Ah, yes. Comets, the icebergs of the sky.

Professor Farnsworth:
Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn't I break his legs?

Leela:
What you did to Guenter was cruel. At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, I think we learned who the real animal was today.

Fry:
You mean peer pressure?

Fry:
This is awesome! I had no idea that Mars had a university

Professor Farnsworth:
Well, back in those days, Mars was a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland. Much like Utah.

[While searching the jungle for Guenter]

Fry:
Wow, the jungles on Mars look exactly like the jungles on Earth!

Professor Farnsworth:
Jungles on Earth? [Laughs]

Guenter:
All I want is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit... that's why I'm transferring to business school!

Professor Farnsworth:
NOOOOOO!

Dean Vernon:
You robots are a disgrace to this university! Whenever a fire alarm is pulled, Robot House! Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House! Whenever a human corpse is desecrated...

Bender:
Now I can explain that!

Dean Vernon:
[repeated line] Robot House!!

Leela:
So you're saying that he just ran off in the middle of the exam?

Prof. Farnsworth:
All he handed in was a paper smeared with feces. He tied with Fry.

Leela:
You went to college?

Bender:
Of course. I'm a bender. I went to Bending College; I majored in Bending.

Fry:
What was your minor?

Bender:
Robo-American Studies.

Prof. Farnsworth:
It's a little experiment that might win me the Nobel Prize.

Leela:
In what field?

Prof. Farnsworth:
I don't care; they all pay the same.

Fry:
Hey, professor. What are you teaching this semester?

Prof. Farnsworth:
Same thing I teach every semester: The Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields. I made up the title so that no student would dare take it.

Fry:
[writing] Mathematics of wonton burrito meals. I'll be there!

Prof. Farnsworth:
Please, Fry. I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor.

Zapp Brannigan:
The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.

Fry:
You mean while I'm sleeping in it?

Zapp Brannigan:
You won't have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing.

Beach Bully:
Huh, err, sir, you don't understand. I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks.

Fry:
50 bucks? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her!

Zapp Brannigan:
The alien mother-ship is in orbit here. If we can hit that bulls-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.

Zapp Brannigan:
[having just seen another massive spaceship appear] What the hell is that thing?!

Kif Kroker:
It appears to be the mother ship.

Zapp Brannigan:
Then what did we just blow up?

[Kif checks the star chart]

Kif Kroker:
The Hubble Telescope.

[The real alien mothership appears and it starts easily destroying the ships]

Zapp Brannigan:
Stop exploding, you cowards!

Zapp Brannigan:
When I'm in command, every mission is a suicide mission.

Hermes:
What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost? Get to work, you lazy boat bag!

[He rolls up the paper and hits Bender with it. Fry chuckles. Hermes hits him.]

Fry:
Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor Day.

Hermes:
Labor Day? That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?

Fry:
That's the one.

Hermes:
Hot damn, a day off!

Zapp Brannigan:
Our mission is clear: Destroy all alien lifeforms.

Kif Kroker:
Um...not me, sir.

Zapp Brannigan:
Right. Nobody destroy Kif. Unless you have too.

Fry:
OK, Leela, you'll be starring as Jenny--

Leela:
Uh-uh, forget it. A, I'm camera shy; and B, I get tongue tied in front of an audience armed with death rays.

Amy:
Plus, you don't really have the thighs for a miniskirt.

Leela:
Gimme the script

Lrrr:
Surely you know McNeal. She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world.

Zapp Brannigan:
Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent.

Amy:
There. How do I look?

Farnsworth:
Like a cheap French harlot.

Amy:
French?

Bender:
They must just wanna see that episode. Let's find a tape and give it to 'em.

Amy:
There aren't any copies left.

Farnsworth:
No, there wouldn't be. Most videotapes from that era were damaged in 2443 during the Second Coming of Jesus.

Lrrr:
Attention McNeil. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall I would rate it a C+. Okay, not great. As a result we will not destroy your planet. But neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality!

Fry:
Way to overact, Zoidberg!

[Bender feels sick]

Amy Wong:
You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender. Try some zinc.

Bender:
I'm 40% zinc!

Amy Wong:
Then take some echinacea, or St. John's Wort.

Professor Farnsworth:
Or a big fat placebo. It's all the same crap!

[Bender sees the insides of a transsexual female robot]

Bender:
[gasps] That's no lady!

Trans-bot:
Damn, Chico. One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle. Why do have to be so stupid, Stupid?

Bender:
Hey bite my shiny metal ass!

Trans-bot:
You couldn't afford it, honey. [snaps fingers and walks away]

Slurm Queen:
As for you, you will be submerged in Royal Slurm which, in a matter of minutes, will transform you into a Slurm Queen like myself!

Small Glurmo #1:
But, Your Highness, she's a commoner. Her Slurm will taste foul.

Slurm Queen:
Yes! Which is why we'll market it as New Slurm. Then, when everyone hates it, we'll bring back Slurm Classic, and make billions!

Bender:
What should we try it on first?

Fry:
Try it on me [Bender points the F-Ray at Fry's body] ow, my sperm!

Bender:
I'll try it again [He does so]

Fry:
Huh. Didn't hurt that time

Fry:
All this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty

Professor Farnsworth:
Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?

Glurmo:
Why those are the Grunka-Lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory.

Professor Farnsworth:
Tell them I hate them.

Glurmo:
There will be no further questions!

Fry:
[Raises his hand] Why?

Glurmo:
You'll have all the Slurm you can drink when you're partying with Slurms McKenzie!

Fry:
When will that be?

Glurmo:
Soon enough.

Fry:
That's not soon enough!

Grunka-Lunka song:

Grunka-Lunkas:
Grunka-Lunka dunkety doo

We've got a friendly warning for you

Grunka-Lunka dunkety dasis

The secret of Slurm's on a need-to-know basis

Asking questions in school is a great way to learn

If you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke

We once found a dead guy face down in the Slurm

It could easily happen again to you, folks

So keep your head down and keep your mouth shut

Grunka Lunka Lunka dunkety dutt!

Leela:
What's behind that door? Is it the secret ingredient?

Grunka-Lunkas:
[singing] Grunka-Lunka dunkety dingredient

You should not ask about the secret ingredient!

Bender:
[Angrily] Okay, okay, we get the point!!

Leela:
I was just curious because of the armed guards.

Grunka-Lunkas:
[singing] Grunka-Lunka dunkety darmed-guards...

Bender:
SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

Leela:
I'm an alien, alright? Let's drop the subject.

Fry:
Cool, an alien. Has your race taken over the planet?

Leela:
No, I just work here.

Fry:
It's up to you to make your own decisions in life. That's what separates people and robots from animals... and animal robots.

Bender:
I hate the people who love me, and they hate me.

Zapp Brannigan:
Have the boy lay out my formal shorts.

Kif:
The boy, Sir?

Zapp Brannigan:
You. You lay out my formal shorts.

Murg:
The Emperor Bont! He's still alive.

Bont:
[from inside of Fry's stomach] Of course I'm alive. Now cut this creep open and drain me out!

Professor Farnsworth:
Good news, everyone! We've got a very special delivery today.

Fry:
Who's it going to?

Professor Farnsworth:
Me.

Bender:
[dusting off hands] Another job well done!

Fry:
Very impressive. Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars.

Professor Farnsworth:
Well, in those days, Mars just was a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland. Much like Utah. But UNLIKE Utah, it was eventually made livable, when the university was founded in 2636.

Bender:
[upon discovering that the robots in his fraternity, Robot House, are all nerds] Uh oh! NERDS!

Bender:
Uh-oh! NERDS!

Fry:
[upon meeting Guenter] My roommate's a MONKEY?

Guenter:
[dryly] Brilliant deduction. You're a credit to your species.

Fry:
You want a banana?

Guenter:
I don't eat bananas. I prefer banana-flavored energy bars made from tofu.

Fry:
[narrows his eyes] I don't like you.

Lrrr:
We will raise your planet's temperature by one million degrees a day, FOR FIVE DAYS, unless we see McNeal at 9pm tomorrow - 8 Central!