George Lopez, Season 5

Angie:
(to Benny): Benny...Your house caught on fire.

Benny:
What?

George:
We thought you were dead, Mom, Your house burnt down!

Benny:
That's not funny!

George:
We're not kidding! The fireman said it started in the bedroom. Did you leave a cigarette burning?

Benny:
No! I'm not an idiot! I put the cigarette out on the ashtray and I dumped the ashtray in the trash can!

George:
The trash can by the drapes?

Benny:
...Dammit! (Turns to Angie) "Happy Mother's Day, Benny. Hope you enjoy these FLAMMABLE DRAPES!"

George (to Carmen):
There's no way you're gettin' married.

Carmen:
Fine, then I'll just get pregnant and move to Georgia (breaks into a Southern accent) 'cuz I don't need y'all's consent to get married there.

George:
(about Carmen) Angie, tell me you had an affair with Garth Brooks and that she's not mine!

[While Ernie is reading notes to Benny about her house]

Ernie:
(first letter) You had it coming. (second letter) You deserve it. (third letter) What the hell does God have to do to finish you off. (fourth letter) I hope you get another house...

Angie:
That's not bad.

Ernie (continuing the letter):
But this time, paint the windows shut so you burn inside like the wicked witch you are.

George:
Who signed that? I want to send them a Christmas card.

Ernie:
Actually the whole neighborhood signed it, like a petition. Whatcha!

Carmen:
When Jason said he'd love me forever, he meant forever.

Max:
When he said that, was your shirt on or off?

Angie:
Upstairs!

Max:
It matters...

Benny (to George):
I haven't seen you that scared since that Halloween when I chased you around the house with a knife!

George:
That might've been funny on Halloween, but it was Easter.

George:
I'm glad you aren't going to work anymore. I don't need any of my coworkers knowing I got chased by a dog.

Benny:
Well, that ends tomorrow, because I'm going to tell everyone at work about how my little girl, was running out of the house because she was being chased by a teacup poodle!

George:
That thing's a hundred pound killer!

Benny:
Not in my story.

Clown Head:
How can I "hell" you?

Benny:
(to George) I would like a cheesburger. (looks at George and clown head) Wait, I'm talking to the wrong clown head.

(everyone laughs except George)

[George is talking to Benny about his childhood]

George:
I can't believe the only reason you wouldn't let me drive when I was a kid was because you were afraid of me getting hurt. Is that why you wouldn't let me play football?

Benny:
George, for a helmet to fit your head... they would have had to take out the padding. Now, at the time, I was already growing vegetables in the garden; I didn't want one walking around my house.

George:
Where's my work?

Benny:
Don't you remember my rules?

George:
What rules?

Benny:
I only tell you once to clear the table. If you don't, you're asking me to throw out your stuff.

George:
You threw out my work?!

Benny:
Yep. Maybe next time, you'll remember my rules.

George:
Hey. This is my house. I make the rules.

Benny:
Oh sure you do.

George:
Mom stand still, we're talking about this.

Benny:
Talk all you want, I will pretend to listen.

George:
Mom don't ignore me.

Benny:
[looking through refrigerator] let's see. What goes good with chicken? I don't know.

[George takes handcuffs, places one link on handle bar, and the other on benny's right hand, cuffing her to the fridge]

Benny:
George, what the hell are you?! George!

George:
[yelling] You're gonna stand there and you're gonna listen to me! Stop treating me like a kid! Stop calling me names! I'm a grown man, and if I want to, I can leave my papers anywhere! And I pay the bills around here, so if I want to leave the lights on, I can! [starts turning on kitchen appliances] And the mixer, and the toaster, and the blender, and the food processor, and the microwave! And you know why?! I can afford it all, because I'm not a failure, I'm a big success!

[electricity in the house goes off and kitchen is dark. George finds flashlight and shines it in Benny's face]

George:
I'm a big, big success!

[Angie, Carmen, and Max walk into the dark house]

Angie:
George?

George:
(to Angie) I'm glad you're home. Do you know your father has a drug problem?

Benny [to George]:
That's real passionate. Did you come up with that last night when you were spooning with Ernie?

George:
Look, that was an accident! But at least I can keep a man in my bed. That's right. When Ernie gets up to go to the bathroom, he comes back!

Angie [about Max's behavior after a school shooting]:
He's completely desensitized. He acts like the shooting didn't affect him at all.

George:
What, would you rather him shaking and crying? He's handling it the Lopez way.

Angie:
How do you do that?

George:
We block it out.

Angie [to George who is curled up under the blankets] Are you naked under there?

George:
No.

Angie:
Then why are your pajamas on the floor?

George:
Why are kids shooting kids? Nothing makes sense anymore.

Benny:
George, you remember when you use to wet the bed?

George:
It was the only hot water we had.

Angie [about Benny's breast implants]:
She got implants?

George:
These aren't implants. The cast of "Lost" is trying to find their way off the right one. The left one is hosting the Winter Olympics.

Max:
Damn, Grandma! Your boobs are huge!

George:
Hey, Max. The owls called. They're done nesting, vato. You can cut your hair.

Max:
Cindy Porter said I have big ears. If I cut my hair, she'll never love me!

George:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Little pig-nosed Cindy Porter? Man, get your hair out of your eyes. She's nasty.

Max:
I like nasty.

George:
[after learning about Max's kidney issues] Angie, what was I thinking? My dad died of kidney disease. Max has my bad genes.

Angie:
He's got both our genes, George.

George:
Well, look. If he unexpectedly dies from soft hair and long eyelashes, then it'll be your fault. This one's on me.

Angie [to Carmen]:
You're not going to Lake "Take-Your-Top-Off" and that's final.

Carmen:
Oh, so I can't go to a simple party on the lake, but the second you leave the room, Max and his girlfriend can make out like monkeys?

Angie:
They were making out?

Carmen:
Oh, did I say that out loud? I get gossipy when I'm oppressed.

George:
Veronica, you're all grown up! The last time I saw you, you had a ponytail and baby fat.

Veronica:
So did you.

George:
At least I didn't have a full diaper. You see, you don't wanna play this game.

Claudia:
[to Veronica in the video of her will] The money has been put into a trust and the trustee I'm about to name will decide when you get it. The person I had chosen has worked hard his whole life and knows the value of money. Will Vic Palmero please step forward? [Vic steps forward] Okay, now bend over and kiss George Lopez's ass because I pick him.

George [starts laughing] In your face! You heard her, Vic! Kiss it!

George:
[to Max when he starts having a crush on Veronica] Max, she's your first cousin and you have dyslexia. If you have kids with her, your mom and I will have to pay a dollar to visit our grandkids at the carnival.

Angie:
[to Veronica] Get down here now, you ungrateful tramp! [Carmen comes downstairs instead of Veronica]

Carmen:
What?

George:
We know what you did. We want to hear it from your mouth.

Angie:
[about Veronica] That's it. That was the last straw. I can't take it anymore. I want her out of this house!

Carmen:
God, it was just a scratch, I'll pay for it. What do you want from me!?

George:
[to Veronica] Tomorrow, I want you to dress more appropriate. I don't want you distracting the guys working with dangerous machines. Alberto's down to seven fingers. He can barely tie his shoes.

George:
[to Angie] How can you trust Ray after all he's done to your family?

Angie:
Because I try to find the good in people.

George:
That's a really annoying habit.

George:
How come you never told me I had any special talents?

Benny:
Oh, I'm sorry, George. You're right. You did have a special talent. No one can wet the bed like you.

George:
I'm gonna use that to water your grave.

Ray:
I have changed. Last year, I woke up in jail and I had one phone call. When my own sister wouldn't come to the phone, I realized that I had pushed everyone away. [Angie looks confused]

George:
[to Angie] Oh, that's right. Your brother called last year. He needs your help right away. I told you to put a pad by the phone. I can't remember these things.

Ernie:
I'm sorry, George. I just sat down for a minute to rest my knees. I guess I must have nodded off. I don't know why they're bothering me so much.

George:
You know you're supposed to listen to your body and right now, your knees are screaming, "You're crushing us! Eat a salad!"

George:
I'm the manager. It's my job to defend the workers

Benny:
You never defended me.

George:
That's not true. I cleaned the stall in the men's room where all that nasty stuff was said about you.

Benny:
What did it say?

George:
I don't remember. I wrote it a long time ago.

Mel Powers:
[to George] I just got a letter from Ernie's lawyer accusing me of being prejudice towards fat people. Does anyone remember my second wife?

George:
Oh, yeah. I remember Cheryl. She came to that Christmas party in a green dress and you fired the person who hung an ornament on her.

George [to Max] What's your password?

Max:
Uh, "Rippin' it to the max."

George:
Please. The only thing you rip is... [makes a fart sound]

Ernie:
Hey, that's my apartment! What are the neighbors gonna think when some creepy weird dude shows up?

George:
I don't know. What'd they think when you moved in?

Vic:
Back in Cuba, there were no pedophiles trying to molest you. If an old man had his hand down your pants, it was because he was looking for food!

George:
Why would you carry around food in your pants? Why not just use a brown paper bag?

Vic:
And leave my father without a briefcase? I don't think so.

Max:
Mom's planning a big wedding, so Dad is doing the cooking and laundry. That's why I'm hungry and going commando.

George:
A stressed out bride is nothing. At the factory, I work with ex-cons, substance abusers and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom, there's other people like that there too.

Ernie [when he sees George making wedding invitations] How long have you been at this?

George:
Six hours. Would've been done faster, but every five minutes or so, I have to look down at my pants to remind myself I'm still a man.

Benny:
[about George] Angie, he cheated me. I should have won. I had the highest numbers.

Angie:
Is that true? Did she have the highest numbers?

George:
Look, she's been cheating on her time card for years.

Benny:
What does that have to do with this contest? I did the work.

Angie:
Well, whoever did the most work should win. I mean, George, you have to be a man of your word.

George:
Why? She's never been a man of her word.

Benny [as she seeks revenge for the Reno trip]:
No. It's not over. You screwed me, now I'm going to get you. It's payback time.

George:
What are you going to do, raise me again?

George:
[to Benny] You never taught me anything. You just punished me. I wasn't "Hooked on Phonics." I was hooked to a radiator.

Carmen:
I just got my letter from Northern Vermont, but I'm afraid to open it. This is my last shot, Mom. Not just for an education, for freedom. I can't party and pierce things in this house. I need to go away.

Angie (to George about her being pregnant):
Well, Brad, I might be giving you what Jennifer wouldn't.

George:
A Cambodian kid?!

Angie:
NO! I might be pregnant.

George:
What? Oh, hell no. HELL NO! You better hope Brad and Angelina want another Mexican boy for their collection because I'm not raising another one!