Hannah Montana, Season 1

Lilly (to Miley):
Guess who just landed two tickets to the hottest concert in town? Miley, you and I, I being you're best friend, are going to see the one, the only... Hannah Montana! Whoo! (Miley just stares) You're not screaming. Why aren't you screaming?

Jackson:
Oh, believe me, she's screaming on the inside.

[Miley screams on the inside]

Miley:
(about Johnny) He is so cute!

Robbie:
Honey, at your age, there's only two things that are cute. Squirrels and little puppy dogs. Whew. I tell you I hate wearing this thing. (takes off his fake mustache) It's like kissing your great Aunt Clara.

Miley & Robbie:
(shudder) Eww!

Lilly (to Miley):
I thought we were friends. I thought we told each other everything, but I guess I was wrong cause you kept just about the biggest secret in the world, Miley Stewart/Hannah Montana!

Robby:
You know what that boy needs? A real girlfriend.

Miley:
Dad, that is... the smartest thing you've ever said!

Robby:
You what they say, every now and again, even a blind pig snorts up a truffle.

Lilly:
And that is the weirdest.

Miley:
Man, I sure do love black men.

Hannah:
Look, you're very sweet, but... I have a boyfriend.

Oliver:
A boyfriend? Wait... I don't understand. Then why did you kiss me?

Hannah:
I didn't. The dog did.

Oliver:
Oh, man. Those are the lips I've been thinking about for the past 24 hours?

Hannah:
I'm sorry. I was trying not to hurt your feelings, it's just that... I'm just not interested. Okay?

Oliver:
Okay, I get it.

Robby:
Now get down off the roof, son. before you dent it. This is a rental.

Oliver:
Fine. I won't bother you anymore.

Lola:
If it helps, the dog hasn't stopped talking about you.

Oliver:
You must think I'm pathetic.

Hannah:
No. I think you're sweet. And maybe, if I didn't have a boyfriend, then...

Oliver:
I'd have a chance with you?

Hannah:
I never said that!

Oliver:
But you implied it!

Oliver:
So you were Hannah in the limo, when I was upside down?

Miley:
Yup.

Oliver:
And backstage, when I was hanging out of the window?

Miley:
Yup.

Oliver:
And when I hid in the bass drum on your tour bus all the way to Phoenix?

Miley:
You did what?

Oliver:
Nothing.

Miley:
Have you ever pictured yourself with Miley, your friend, the dork?

Oliver:
You're not a dork.

Miley:
Oh, come on. What about that time I tripped in the biology lab and spilled frog juice all over you?

Robby:
[holding up fish] Look at the size of this bad boy! Put up quite a battle, too. It was him! Then it was me! Then it was him! Then it was me!

Jackson:
Dad, you got him at the fish mart.

Robby:
Yeah, but you should have seen the size of the lady who tried to take him from me. It was her! Then it was…

Jackson:
Alright, alright Dad, I get it.

Robby:
So, what's it going to be, Bucky? Pan fried or Barbeque?

Jackson:
Dad, remember what we said about naming the fish?

Robby:
What? [sticks fish in Jackson's face]

Jackson:
It makes him a little harder to eat.

Miley:
Lilly, my dad said no.

Lilly:
You think he said no. He really said go. no. go. It's a mistake anybody can make. [drags Miley] Come on.

Miley:
I love lying to him.

Lilly:
You're right it's fun!

Oliver:
[turns to Lilly] I just can't figure out one thing-why are we hiding?

Lilly:
Oliver, you naive, simple boy…with a very good point. (to Miley) Best of luck.

Jackson:
Let me paint you a picture. [grabs an apple and an orange] Hi, I'm Miley Stewart. (in a high, squeaky voice) And I'm her brother Jackson. [deepens voice and waves the apple] We snuck out to a movie last night where we saw you on a date with our father. Why are we telling you this? Out of an insane desire to get caught & grounded for the rest of our natural lives!

Miley:
[rolls her eyes and stalls for time] Why do you always get to be the apple?

Miley:
I can't! I'm from Tennessee. We don't do that.

Lilly:
Well you're in California now, and we do do that.

[Jackson and Cooper start laughing]

Lilly:
What?

Jackson:
You said "do do"!

Miley:
Grow up!

Jackson:
You're the one that can't ask the guy out.

Miley:
He's Not Just A Guy He's A ninth grader I can't, I Can't just put Eighth Grade moves on him.

Lilly:
Good point. And besides, he probably doesn't even know you're alive. You're like some dried up insect on the windshield of his life. Not even in the center. You're way off to the side where the wipers don't reach. [making windshield wiper movements] squeak, squeak, squeak, splat. Squeak, squeak, squhieak, squeak....

Miley:
Lilly.

Lilly:
What?

Miley:
This is officially the worst peptalk ever.

Miley:
Then I ate a napkin, and then Jackson was all, "You said 'do do'" and Lilly was all, "Bug on the windshield," and I was all "Good night everybody!" and that's why we have to move.

Robby:
Sorry darling.

[Robby picks up phone]

Robby:
Hello...Hold on. Miles, it's for you.

Miley:
I can't talk to anyone right now. Could you just make something up?

Robby:
Sorry Josh, she's in the bathroom. It could be a while.

Miley:
No!

Robby:
Hold on, sounds like she's finishing up.

Miley:
Give me that phone. Hi. This is Miley.

Jackson:
"It could be a while." You, sir, do not know how good you are.

Robby:
Next time, I'm letting the machine pick up. You realize how much easier life was when she believed boys had cooties?

Miley:
Yes! I can't believe it. I'm going out with a ninth grader! Woo-hoo! [pumps fist]

Robby:
Don't believe it, because I'm not letting you! Woo-hoo! [pumps fist]

Miley:
This is so unfair. [pouts and gazes at her father]

Robby:
Sad face.

Miley:
[nods]

Robby:
[points at his own face] Not-buying-it-face.

Jackson:
C'mon, Dad. It wasn't long ago that I was a ninth grader. And if he's anything like I was... [suddenly much more sober] You need to meet that boy!

Miley:
Isn't that interesting? You have your opinion and he has his. You've gotta love a guy who isn't afraid to say how he feels!

Josh:
I'm a little afraid to say anything right now.

Miley:
No, you're not. If everybody says that they like hamburgers, then he's not afraid to say that he likes hot dogs! Right? [nods]

Josh:
Okay. [looks confused]

Miley:
And some people like skiing, and he's not afraid to say that he likes snowboarding!

Josh:
Yeah! [picks up magazine with Hannah Montana on the cover] Some people like Hannah Montana, and I'm not afraid to say she stinks!

Miley:
Abso- What?

Robby:
Son of a gun. [puts arm around Miley] The boy's got three feet.

Jackson:
(wearing shades and imitating The Terminator) Hello, I am the Jackson-ator! [takes off shades] These will not be back! (wearing another pair and imitating Ozzy Osbourne) Whoa, rock-n-roll! SHARON!!

Jackson:
(after Olivia leaves him, puts on shades and imitates Ozzy Osbourne) Sharon! I'm so confused!!

Miley:
This is so frustrating. I spent all day yesterday trying to get Josh like Hannah Montana.

Oliver:
How'd it go? [fans out cards]

Miley:
[smiles and fakes excitement] It went really well. He loves Hannah now, and we're getting married. [voice turns sarcastic] How do you think it went, ya doughnut!

Oliver:
I'm going to go with not so well.

Lilly:
Ding, ding, ding! And we have a winner.

Miley:
Lilly, I'm serious. How can I go out with a guy who doesn't like half of me?

Lilly:
He doesn't know he doesn't like half of you. So just let him think the half of you he likes is all of you. As long as the other half keeps her mouth shut, the three of you should make a beautiful couple.

Oliver:
I'll never get chick math. [shakes head]

Oliver:
Guys! You'll never guess who made the cover of the entertainment section! [waves newspaper]

Miley:
[grabs a football] Hey Oliver! Go long! [throws football]

Oliver:
Too looooooong! [jumps high to catch the football and falls off the edge of that part of the beach]

Miley:
On the other hand,the beach sounds fun,too.

Lilly:
But the mall has cute clothes.

Miley:
But the beach has cute boys.

Lilly:
TO THE BEACH!

Girl 1:
This is so cool. I've been waiting months for these scarves to came out. I'm never taking it of.

Hannah:
Great. Just be sure to shower in cold water only and lay yourself flat to dry.

Roxy:
Okay, next. Not so fast, short stuff, you know the drill. Arms out. [Metal detector bleeps by her mouth] I knew it, what you hiding in there?

Girl 2:
Braces?

Roxy:
Yeah, likely story. Open!

Hannah:
Daddy, you know I love Roxy. She is the best bodyguard we've ever had, but ever since she's got back from her Marine Corps reunion, she's been a little...

Roxy:
Say "Ah!"

Girl 2:
Aaah.

Hannah:
...in your face.

Robby Ray:
She's just looking out for you darling. Remember Roxy is the same person that threw herself between you and that sneezing fan in Cleveland.

Hannah:
You're right.

Roxy:
Alright, she's clean. Doesn't floss, but she is clean. Move along. Hey! But I got my eyes on you.

Employee (Milda):
Oh, my, that's looks fabulous on you.

Lola:
Actually, I'm just looking.

Milda:
Well then look someplace else, kid, I've got a car payment to make.

Lola:
Fine, but I hope when I'm as old as you, I'm not as bitter.

Milda:
Oh, you will be.

Hannah:
This is incredible, all these fans and the store has even got a mannequin of me!

Lola:
That's not a mannequin, that's a Hannahquin, Miss Montanaquin.

Hannah:
Oh, no!

Lola:
What, that was cute-aquin.

Hannah:
No, I think my dad is shopping for my birthday present.

Lola:
Oh, no, someone is gonna buy you something really expensive and cool. What ever will you do?

Hannah:
No, Lilly, you don't get it. As a dad, he knows everything, about everything. But as a shopper, well, let's just say the alarm should go off when he comes in to the store.

Robbie:
[Looks at really ugly dress]

Lola:
You're right, all that dress needs is a sheep and a bonnet and you're Little Bo Geek.

Hannah:
I love him, but the man should not be allowed in the teen department with a credit card. Ugh, will someone please stop him.

Roxy:
Stop who? Where. I'll get him! [Tackles a man] He's clean! Move along you're blocking people here!

Miley:
Mom always knew the right stuff to buy me. She had great taste. But dad. Oh, man, he has the taste of a month-old pickle.

Lilly:
Look, no dad knows how to shop for a girl. You know what my dad gave me for my last birthday? A savings bond. You can touch it, you can feel it, but you can't spend it. Pointless.

Miley:
Well, I'd take a saving bond instead of one of these presents any day. Behold... the ghosts of holidays past. [Shows Lilly the dresses]

Lilly:
I think I'm gonna be sick. I need a fashion magazine! Cool, hip, trendy... Okay, all better. I can't believe you actually wore these in public.

Miley:
Oh please, they never made it out of the house.

Flashback to two years ago

Robbie Ray:
Miley! Let's see that pretty birthday number.

Miley:
[Spills tomato juice on her dress] Daddy does tomato juice stain?

Flashback to one year ago

Miley:
[Throws spaghetti over her dress] Mamma mia! Thatsa bigga staina!

Lilly:
Why don't you just say something to him?

Miley:
Because I don't want to hurt his feelings. You should see the look on his face when he gives it to me and says, "I picked this out special for you, bud."

Lilly:
Oh, the puppy dog look. My Dad gets me to shampoo grandma with that one.

Miley:
Well you know, I don't think I can take another one of his looks or another one of his presents. There's gotta be a way to stop him from shopping again.

Lilly:
Well, what are you gonna do? It's not like he's gonna take you along with him.

Miley:
[Smiles] True. But he might take you.

Miley:
Oh, hey, why don't you try out with me?

Lilly:
Cheerleading? Give me an N! Give me an O! What's that spell?! No.

Miley:
Have any questions?

Lilly:
A couple. First, what the hecky is a herky? Second, if one is called a pompom, does that make two of them, pompompompoms? [turning to a "thinking" pose] These are the questions that haunt me.…

Miley:
Show me what you got.

Lilly:
Go team, throw the ball. Go team, to the mall!

Lilly:
Move and squat and arms and jump and clap and arms and twirl and twirlie again, twirlie again-oof! How was that?

Jackson:
N-now why is that when I ended up on the couch like that you grounded me for a week?

Robby:
It's because you jumped from the piano.

Ashley:
She [the coach] doesn't like you because you're too pretty and you threaten her.

Amber:
The story of my life!

Miley:
They've got our ball, we want it back. They've got our ball, we want it back. They've got our ball.…

Coach:
You want it back. I get it, please something else.

Miley:
Okay, here comes the good part…slide and slide and do the butterfly, dip and dip and shake my little hips, I want you and you to cheer it with me too.

Coach:
Good job. When I asked you to bring it, you brought it! Now take it over there. Next is Lilly Truscott. The next minute of my life is yours. Don't waste it.

Lilly:
Okay. [Repeats Miley's herky, poorly.]

Coach:
Well! Wasn't that something.

Lilly:
Can I try something a little different?

Coach:
Yeah, "something different" would be good.

Miley:
Oh no! I can't watch this! I only taught her one cheer!

Lilly:
You might be good at football, you might be good at track, but when it comes to basketball you might as well step back. Come on, step back. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh! [Does cartwheels.]

Miley:
[to Lilly] Wow, where did that come from?

Lilly:
I just did all my skateboarding stunts without my skateboard.

Coach:
Well you know what? Put the skateboard away and grab a uniform. You're on the squad!

Oliver:
Hey, uh, Jackson, where's Miley?

Jackson:
Don't know.

Oliver:
When's she gonna be back?

Jackson:
Don't care.

Oliver:
Could you tell her I stopped by?

Jackson:
Don't count on it.

Jackson:
Why does this always happen to me?

Oliver:
I was kind of thinking the same thing.

Oliver:
Hey, Jackson, Miley left her head at practice. Get it? Her head.

Jackson:
Don't know.

Oliver:
But I didn't ask that.

Jackson:
Don't care.

Oliver:
Will you stop?

Jackson:
Don't count on it.

Jackson:
[after putting the noodles to the drain] That, sir, was the sweet and sour sound of 50 dollars going in my pocket.

Robby:
JACKSONNNN!!

Oliver:
Is that sound.

Robby:
JACKSONNNN!!

Robby:
Miley, I know you don't want to share a tent with Amber and Ashley, but sometimes you've just got to make the best out of a bad situation.

Miley:
Well in that case, I'm going to need a jar of honey, a thousand red ants, and the cover of nightfall. [takes a bite of chocolate cake]

Robby:
Times like this, you remind me of your mom. [sits down at table] Look, Mile, I know those girls don't always treat you right, but sinking down to their level just isn't the answer.

Miley:
How do we really know that until we try?

Miley:
[watching herself doing Scratch Dancing] I can't watch this.

Robby:
You don't have to watch it, I'm recording it. I never get tired of watching me being right.

Taylor Kingsford:
And we're back with Hannah Montana. Hannah, welcome. I'm just itching to ask you a few questions.

Hannah:
[scratching herself] And I'm just itching to answer them.

Jackson:
[after the mouse they were chasing is discovered playing music in the piano] Good work Dad! Alright rodent, kiss your whiskers goodbye!!

Robby:
Whoa son! You don't kill a mouse with that kind of talent!! (to the mouse) Linda, you know Achy Breaky Heart?

[after Robby sings "I Want my Mullet Back" outside the house]

Miley:
You are the meanest man I have ever met!

Robby:
Why?

Miley:
To keep a talent so incredibly awesome as this away from a world that needs you so desperately. It's just so selfish. I can't even look at you.

Marty:
Guess what I just heard? Toby Keith has a new opening act, you know who it is? Don't guess I'll tell you. It's you. Six beautiful weeks! One of which is in...yes...Hawaii. Ladies and Gentleman, Marty Klein.

Miley:
Hey Maddie, just the tush I'd been looking for. Can you close my suitcase?

Maddie:
What 'till I tell my friends that I sat on Hannah Montana's suitcase! Ahh!

Miley:
You're not heavy enough. Here...hold these phone books.

Maddie:
I just want to say goodbye and thanks for the tickets. Your concert was awesome!

Miley:
Thanks. Now bounce up and down.

Maddie:
Well, we are a full service hotel.

Maddie:
[in a serious tone, to Hannah] I'd never be able to live with myself if I knew I was the one holding Robbie Ray back from howling again. Whew. [suddenly perky] Well, nice to meet you! We hope you enjoyed your stay at the Tipton Hotel.

Robby:
Hey, bud, you all right?

Miley:
I'm sorry.

Robby:
For what? For crying? Hey, if you don't want me to go, just say so.

Miley:
Daddy, you gave up your whole life so I could have my dream. How can I stop you from having yours?

Robby:
You kids are my dream. I didn't give up my career because I had to. I gave it up because I wanted to.

Miley:
But I saw you up here tonight. You did so good and you looked so happy.

Robby:
I was, but I was a lot happier when I saw you kids coming through the door.

Miley:
So does that mean you don't want to do the tour anymore?

Robby:
6 weeks away from you kids? I think I'd miss you too much.

Miley:
We'd miss you, too. Well, maybe you can just do the Hawaii part and take us.

Roxy:
You're angry, aren't you?

Jackson:
Yeah!

Roxy:
That yoga didn't work for you, did it?

Jackson:
[sarcastically] No!

Roxy:
That's because you need some acupuncture. I'll go get my needles.

Miley:
Roxy, I didn't think that the Marines did yoga!

Roxy:
Oh, I didn't learn this in the Corp. Mm-mmm. I learned it when I was touring India with world famous cellist, Yo Yo Ma. He calls me his Yo-Yo Mama. [laughs]

Roxy:
(to Jackson and Miley while asleep) My eyes may be closed, but my brain is on red alert! (makes an "I've got my eyes on you" gesture) [in between snores] Hiya!

Marty:
[walks in and sees Miley and Robby hugging] What a beautiful scene. A man and his children sharing a heartfelt goodbye. You know what that reminds me of? The fact that my car is running and E85 is $2.50 a gallon! Let's move!

Marty:
And look, there's handsome, young Jackson. And pretty, little Miley, who I have not spoken to or had contact with in any way whatsoever...especially on the phone.

Miley:
It's okay, Marty. He knows I called you.

Marty:
Good, 'cause I'm a terrible liar.

Robby:
Sweetheart, that was ten years ago. I bet my old manager doesn't even remember my name.

[Doorbell rings.]

Marty:
Robby Ray, open this door!

Miley:
Oh, is that your old manager, Marty Klein?

Jackson:
I believe it is.

Lilly:
What a weird coin-ke-dink.

Robby:
You guys are smooth.

Marty:
Where is my honky-tonk heartthrob? There he is! Look at you, you look exactly the same! No, you look better! I hate you! I love you! Give me a hug!

Robby:
Hey, mad man Marty. The one man party. I missed you old buddy.

Marty:
Stop it, you'll make me cry.

Jackson:
You guys, you gotta check this out! [holds up videotape] It's labeled "Robby Palooza."

Miley:
Oh! Dad had his own Palooza.

Lilly:
My dad had his own calculator.

Lilly:
[holding up a "Robby Ray Live" record album] I can't believe this is your dad. It's lucky records are so big. There's no way you'd fit all that hair on a CD.

Miley:
It's called a mullet. Business in the front, a party in the back! Oh, yeah!

Lilly:
Before your dad was a dad, he was cool. Before my dad was a dad, he was an accountant. Addition in the front, Subtraction in the back. It's not the same, is it?

Miley:
It is the same idea, but with computers.

Lilly:
Miley, do you realize that even though my dad was an accountant before you existed, you have more money than him?

Miley:
That makes me feel special. I wonder what it was like to be an accountant in the 1980's?

Maddie:
Oh, my gosh! You're Robby Ray! My mom thought you were dead. She's going to be so excited you're alive!

Robby:
I'm kinda happy about that myself.

Oliver:
[takes two oranges and puts them in front of his eyes] Look! I'm a fruit fly! Buzz...

Miley:
[hits Oliver in the back of the head, causing the oranges to fall out] Now you're a dead fruit fly.

Hannah:
[singing the national anthem] Oh say can you see, by the dawn's early light. Through yonder window breaks. [eyes dart around nervously] Uhhhh. Rampart's...no,rocket's red glare. Yeah,right. That's right.

Person:
You stink!

Lakers fans:
[laugh and boo]

Crowd:
[start pelting her with buckets of popcorn, hot dog rolls, and cups of soda]

Hannah:
[grabs 2 empty cups and puts them over her eyes] Look! I'm a cup fly. Ya get it? Buzz.

Oliver:
(to Miley) Trust me. This has been going on forever. [flashback]

Younger Oliver:
[dressed as Abraham Lincoln] Fourscore and...Fourscore and... [puts two oranges in front of his eyes]' 'I'm a fruit fly. Abraham Fruitfly.

Miley:
I am so sorry you had to see that, Bearie. [kisses Bearie's nose]

Lilly:
Bearie the bear? [raises her eyebrows] You couldn't do any better than that?

Miley:
I was three! And I'm not changing his name now. That would just confuse him.

Miley:
"But" is just a word you use when you are afraid of trying.

Miley:
We've rehearsed two hours but we're still on the first page.

Miley:
(reading compter) Dear Hannah, get your bra out of the shower. Jackson from the grave.

Jackson:
(walking into the room) And I have always loved uuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

Miley:
Great, he touched it. Now I have to burn it!

Jackson:
(walking into room) Miles, my robe fell in the toilet so I borrowed yours. Hope you don't mind.

Miley:
Great! Now I have to burn that too!

Miley:
Making the world a better place for h8888888. [presses SEND button]

Robby:
Son, I say, there's nothing better than a .1 mile run down the beach. Then I go eat my weight in pizza. One of these days, I'll die FOR SERIOS!!!

(Robby buys something from ASS's Surf Shop)

Jackson:
How about a tip, dad?

Robby:
Ok, I AM GOD!!! DON'T EVER FORGOT IT

Becca:
Miley, why are you dressed like a duck?

Miley:
Because they were all out of gorilla suits. Can we move on? Oliver and I need a little time to talk...you know, face-to-beak. [yanks Oliver and pulls him away]

Becca:
[looks in with dismay]

Miley:
You didn't break up with her, did you?

Oliver:
Uh...

Miley:
Yeah

Miley:
Seriously, I didn't read your mind, that's ridiculous. I read...your PDA, which I stole from your gym locker.

Becca:
Why would you do that?

Miley:
'Cause I'm a baaaad chicken!

Oliver:
And, because she's in love with me!

Jackson:
Everybody dance, everybody sing, everybody try a chicken wing!

Miley:
Becca e-mailed Hannah Montana. She said she had a big crush on you.

Oliver:
Becca Weller has a crush on me? [points to himself] Me?

Lilly:
I know. We were shocked too.

Cooper:
I don't get it, man. What happened to Oliver "Smokin'" Oken?

Oliver:
I just totally froze. Has that ever happened to you?

Jake:
I'm really not a bad guy. Besides, you're the only one in school who hasn't been falling all over me and...I kinda like that. Plus, you're cute.

Miley:
You really think I'm cute? [quickly] Not that I care.

Teacher:
How 'bout you, ya backtalk, and your gurgling intestines, in the PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE!

Lilly:
[enthusiastically] 'Sup, Jake? 'Sup?

Miley:
Hey Lilly, you dropped something.

Lilly:
What?

Miley:
Your dignity.

[As the reporter is about to leave]

Robby:
[wearing a mullet] I'm sorry, I haven't officially introduced myself. I'm Billy Ray Cyrus!

Miley:
Lilly. Build a bridge, and get over it!

Lilly:
The Jake ship has sailed! [turns around and comes back] And you're not on it! [turns around and comes back again] I'm in a first class cabin!

Miley:
Just leave mad already!

Lilly:
Happily. [both leave wrong way] My house is this way!

Miley:
My house is that way![both go right way]

Oliver:
[when they can't tell who's who] I have an idea.

Lilly:
What?

Oliver:
Both of you, kiss me!

Luanne:
Okay!

Miley:
Ew!

Oliver:
That's Miley. [points to the real Miley]

Miley:
Dad, that's awesome. That is the best song you've ever written, I can't wait to record it. What's the bad news?

Lilly:
Bad news? What are you talking about? It's a great song!

Robby:
Thank you, Lilly! You know I've always liked her.

Miley:
Don't change the subject. Every time there's bad news, he tries to soften it up with a great song. Best of Both Worlds- had to get braces. This is the Life- Jackson decided not to go to sleepaway camp. Pumpin' Up the Party- my goldfish died.

Oliver:
When my goldfish died, my mom flushed it down the toilet. I'll never forget her comforting words: "Get over it, Oliver. It's a stinkin' fish."

Lilly:
That explains so much.

Miley:
Come on dad, just tell me. I can handle it.

Robby:
[sighs; quickly] Your cousin Luanne's coming to visit, who wants pie? [Miley freezes]

Lilly and Robby Ray:
Miley? Miley?

Oliver:
What kind of pie?

Robby:
Come on, Mile. Don't forget that wonderful, wonderful song that I just wrote you that you love so much.

Mr. Dontzig:
AAAHH! Two Stewarts! [grabs candy and stuffs it in his pocket] AAAHH! [grabs the whole pot of candy and runs] AAAHH!

Luann:
Well, that took you long enough to figure that out, Lulu.

Lilly (as Lola):
It's Lola.

Luann:
Whatever! Lilly, Lola, Lulu. You might as well go by "Purple Hair!

Oliver:
[after Luanne gets up on stage] Hey guys, I found her. She's up on stage!

Miley:
[sarcastically] Good work!

Oliver:
Have no fear ladies. [pulls out small sword] The Masked Musketeer has a plan.

Miley:
Great! My life is in the hand of Count Chest Hair.

Oliver:
[when he and Miley walk into the party] You know, I had a dream like this once. Except the room was filled with Jessica Simpsons and I had more than one chest hair.

Miley:
And what has all this taught you?

Robby:
That I should believe my kids when they say their cousins are evil.

Miley:
And?

Robby:
That I should always bring my cell phone when I leave the house in case my daughter gets tied up in her closet.

Miley:
And?

Robby:
I'm sorry.

Robby:
C'mon, let's not forget who pulled you out of that well when you were six.

Miley:
And let's not forget who pushed me in!

Robby:
Like I've always told you, an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.

Mr. Dontzig:
Stewart! [comes running into house] Stewart! You gotta help me! Those candy-grabbers are like piranha! They're coming by the busload. It's like someone put an ad in the paper.

Robby:
The paper? Why, that's way too slow. If somebody wanted to get information out fast, they'd just run down Pacific Coast Highway with a bullhorn.

Mr. Dontzig:
You didn't.

Robby:
[picks up bullhorn] Oh yes I did. Gotcha. [turns to door] Okay kids, come on in, don't be shy.

Mr. Dontzig:
Curse you, Stewart! [runs away]

Miley':
Dad, what about revenge making the whole world blind?

Robby:
I was teaching that to you; it's too late for me.

Hannah:
Oh Jake, I bet you say that to all your co-stars, push Jake... I mean... [pushes Jake]

Lilly:
Remember when you used to like cake more than girls?

Oliver:
Yeah...kids!

Lilly:
Oh, just go get some!

Oliver:
Okay, maybe one piece.

Miley:
(angrily) Wha'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?!

Miley:
I thought you were graduating!

Willis:
I am!

Miley:
Elementary school!

Jake:
Plus it was kind of cool that you did all that just to make me jealous.

Miley:
Whoa, whoa, slow down ego-boy, why would I try to make you jealous? Besides, you have a girlfriend.

Jake:
Holly? She's not my girlfriend. We have a movie coming out, so we been hanging out as a publicity thing.

Miley:
Why didn't you tell me that before?!

Jake:
Ah...well...I think I....

Miley:
Wait a minute...you were trying to make ME jealous.

Jake:
Was not.

Miley:
Was too... Admit it, Jake, you like me!

Jake:
No! You like me- just say it.

Miley:
No, you say it.

Jake:
No, you.

Miley:
No, YOU!

[Jake kisses Miley.]

Holly:
Isn't that your senior boyfriend over there? [points to Willis]

Miley:
No, that's just some guy who looks like him.

Willis:
I'm King Willis!

Miley:
And has the same name.

[Willis looks up, sees Miley and waves.]

Willis:
Hi Miley!

Miley:
And knows me.

Miley:
Willis drinks it black.

Jake:
Holly drinks it latte.

Miley:
Willis shaves.

Jake:
Holly waxes.

Miley:
Willis is a senior.

Jake:
[trying to keep a strait face] Wow...

Miley:
Toodles!

Jackson:
Now Dad, at the parent-teacher conference you might hear something about a belching contest. I just want you to know that it never happened. (ecstatically) And I was NOT the CHAMPION!!

Robby:
I can't approve of that kind of behaviour. But I guess better out the attic (belching) than out the basement (flatulence)!

Jackson:
Whoa whoa whoa...you and Kunkle had coffee? You're kidding!!

Jackson:
C'mon, what's a dash of terragon among friends?

Robby Ray:
That's it! The next person who says terragon is gonna be gone!

Ms. Kunkel:
(calmly) Terragon. (walking out of house) Terragon. Terra- I am so- gone! (leaves in a huff)

Miley:
Well we gotta find a way to make her take the money.

Oliver:
Yeah, and maybe an umbrella.

Lilly:
I bet she will take the donation from a generous celebrity.

Miley:
I bet she would

Oliver:
yeah right!where are we gonna find one of those?

Miley:
You think he learned by now?

Jackson:
How did I lose my card?!

Miley:
Oh, don't worry, it's probably right next to your brain... Oh, then you'll never find it.

Jackson:
How did the carpet make sense?

Miley:
The guy said it would match my shoes?

Oliver:
I think I'm in love! [walks toward sandwich] You're wearing avocado, aren't you? You know what that does to me.

Miley:
What's wrong with you, boy?

Oliver:
It's free food, I'm a guy, do the math.

Miley:
Oh, I have to have these shoes!

Oliver:
Why?

Miley:
They're shoes, I'm a girl, do the math.

Jackson:
Why did Dad call a family meeting? I hate family meetings.

Miley:
What did you do?

Jackson:
What do you mean, what did I do, what did you do?

Miley:
I didn't do anything, I never do anything.

Jackson:
Listen, it doesn't matter who did what, just as long as we stay united, stay strong and stand together. [sees Robbie coming and points at Miley] She did it, she did it, I saw her with my own two eyes. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Jackson:
You are a cruel cruel father.

Robbie:
Oh yeah? Would a cruel cruel father give you these? [takes two credit cards out]

Jackson and Miley:
Credit cards!

Miley:
My very first credit card. Today I am woman [kisses her credit card]

Robbie:
And I am still a Dad and these cards are just used for emergencies only!

Jackson:
[mimicking Miley] "Don't bother switching the limos tonight, nobody's following us!" I am so smart BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!

Hannah:
Actually, I've got some news about me and Jackson.

Audience:
Ooooooo! (with excitment)

Hannah:
No, it's kinda serious.

Audience:
Ooooooooooo!!(frustrated)

Hannah:
The truth is...me and Jackson are...

Jackson:
[runs into room] Totally and completely in love! (bouncing around the stage like the Tom Cruise on the couch on the Oprah show) I love Hannah Montana! I love Hannah Montana! I LOVE HANNAH MONTANA!! (rips open sweatshirt to reveal a custom-made shirt that reads Jacksannah)

Robby:
Jackson I'm gonna ask you a question I never had to ask one my kids before. Why didn't you break up with your sister?

Jackson:
[looking cheesed off] "Madonna's a cat?! I'm at a birthday party, in a tent, for a CAT?!" [sarcastically] "What's for dessert, chocolate mousse or chocolate mouse?"

Jackson:
Sorry about the whole convertible top thing.

Lola:
You got a little something in your teeth.

Hannah:
Ewww! It's a fly!

[Miley is calling Jackson on his phone, and she can hear his phone ringing]

Miley:
[impersonating Jackson] "Hello there, you've reached Jackson. I'm Hannah's assisticant. I can't do any assisticating right now because I forgot my phone. Yukkity, yukkity, yuk."

Miley:
[interrupted by Jackson] Jackson I'm trying to rehearse for the American Teen Music Awards!

Jackson:
Yeah. Don't worry; you're not bothering me.

Miley:
But you're bothering me!

Jackson:
Oh right. Don't care. Look out cow! Ooh... look at that heifer fly. Right into the marching band!

Miley:
Hey Jackson, you have a real car, you know. Here's a thought: Get in it and drive away!

Rico:
Fine, fine, you win.

Miley:
[excited] I do?

Rico:
[grinning] Yeah. He's fired.

Miley:
What just happened?

Robby:
I just ran over an armadillo.

Miley:
Oh you better run, cracka, 'cause Miley like a puma!

Roxy:
Pretend I'm Miley and you're the Cracker.

Lilly:
I'd rather not!

Roxy:
C'mon, I'm not gonna hurt ya!

Lilly:
[as the Cracker] Ooh, Miley! Gimme your lipstick!

Roxy:
Ahhhh! Principal, principal! Help me, help me!

Lilly:
I'm late aren't I?

Miley:
Just a smidge!

Miley:
(walks up to the Cracker waving hands) Yah! Hi-Yah! Be afraid cause' Miley like a puma! Hi-Yah!

Lilly:
Yeah, that's right Cracka'. You better run cause' miley's like a bad puma!

Miley:
(in scared voice) Miley like a puma?! Hi-Yah?! ... Miley run like a puma!

Lola:
Primp all you want, Lil' Miss Cool-List! You are about to get a makeup malfunction everyone will be downloading forever!

Hannah:
She won't get hurt or anything, will she?

Lola:
Just her pride. Nationwide... Nowhere to hide- Humilefied! Sad inside!

Hannah:
Are you done?

Lola:
Okay. Just remember: You go through the red and she goes through the green... Because she's mean, like an evil queen! [Hannah gives her a look] Okay, now I'm done.

Robby:
Oh for the love of niblets!

Miley:
You can go home and relax. Ahhhh.

Jackson:
Or, you can make a moose. Oooooh.

Miley:
Go home and relax. Ahhhhh.

Jackson:
Make a moose. Oooooh.

Patty:
I think I want to...make a moose!

Miley:
[in failure] Ahhhhhhhh!

Dontzig:
Stewart, I'm sick of your leaves in my pool!

Robby:
And I'm sick of your face in my house!!

Miley:
(singing) She's done, I won! I didn't cave, now you're my slave! I get to go, to the fashion show! Ha ha ha ha ha, HA!

Jackson:
Whoa whoa whoa, slow down there, Busta Rhymes!

Oliver:
Big deal! You see this towel? She gave it to me, in her dressing room. She really did.

Amber:
Uh, yeah, and she gave me this sandwich.

Amber and Ashley [in unison] You're pathetic. Ooh! Ssss!

Oliver:
It's true!

Lilly:
Ignore them, Oliver. They're not worth it.

Miley:
[to Amber and Ashley] Wait a minute, he's telling the truth. And she gave Lilly something, too.

Lilly:
What are you doing?

Miley:
You’ll see. [take out Lilly's scarf from Hannah Montana]

Ashley:
That's Hannah Montana's scarf.

Amber:
From the concert.

Miley:
Yeah, Hannah gave it to her.

Lilly:
But you know what? You guys are much cooler than me. You should have it. [puts the scarf on Amber]

Amber:
Oh, my gosh.

Ashley:
Hey! I want that! [she and Amber fight over the scarf]

Oliver:
[to Lilly] Why did you do that?

Miley:
I think I know. [to the other students] Hey, everybody!

Miley and Lilly:
It's Hannah Montana's scarf!

Miley:
What about Lilly? You guys would be perfect together!

Lilly:
Excuse me?

Miley:
You're both stubborn.

Lilly and Oliver:
[in unison] I am not!

Miley:
See, you always agree with each other!

Lilly and Oliver:
No, we don't!

Miley:
I am definitely seeing a couple here!

Lilly and Oliver:
You're not, because I'm not! Whew!

Oliver:
I still love you.

Hannah:
What does it take with you?! What more do I have to do?! You and Hannah Montana are never gonna be together.

Oliver:
Why not?

Miley:
Because... [takes off her wig and sunglasses; much to Oliver's horror.] ...I'm Hannah Montana. Me, Miley. [Oliver passes out] Okay, that went well.

[after Hannah sings a bad rap song]

Security Guard [standing next to Robby]:
Do-di-do-di-do-di-do?!

Robby:
Don't look at me. I didn't write that.

Jackson:
Oh, here we are in Happy Bunnyland, Tokyo. [hits the bottom of the counter twice to make the stomp effects] Oh no, what's that? [hits the counter twice again] It's Jackzilla! Run for your bunny lives!

Miley:
Lilly, I'm serious. How can I go out with a guy who doesn't like half of me?