Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law, Season 3

[Harvey is reading Wally Gator's case file]

Harvey:
Operating a speedboat in protected waters... Operating a speedboat while firing a weapon... Operating a speedboat while operating a twelve pack...So, he's pretty much being charged for -

Phil:
Being a redneck. Yep.

Phil:
Baruch ata HaShem Elokainu Melech HaOlam...

Harvey:
What just happened?

Bear :
*grunt*

Phil:
You're a bounty hunter, silly

Harvey:
A bounty hunter?

Phil:
One last thing. There's a reward, dead or alive. Just bring him back in... err... in four pieces or less. Watch out for the tail!

Harvey:
Mr. Gator! I'm your attorney and I would love to come inside and...

[loud explosion, sheep bleating]

Harvey:
Uh... For you to come outside so we can discuss your case in a civilised manner. Litigator to... alligator.

Wally Gator:
OK, I'm coming out! Y'all gonna tackle me?

Police:
A lil' bit.

Wally Gator:
Aw, sh**...

Phil:
Huh, I thought that a gator only ate what it killed.

Wally Gator:
Not when it's $2.99 a pound at the Costco!

Reducto:
I've got a device...a body reshaper.

Norlissa:
A device? For the booty?

Reducto:
Well, actually it was invented for other, more dastardly...yes, for the booty!

Norlissa:
Is it safe?

Reducto:
It's patented in Sweden.

Norlissa:
How much does it cost?

Reducto:
FREE! I mean, it's free.

Norlissa:
Well all right, when can I make an appointment?

Reducto:
I have an opening right now. Turn around.

Norlissa:
You're gonna do it right here!?

Reducto:
It's out-patient! BACK OFF!

[Reducto changes the switch on his shrink gun from 'Reduce' to 'Enlarge']

Reducto:
Lord help me.

[zapping sound; Reducto enlarges Norlissa's backside]

Norlissa:
Ooh...that didn't hurt a bit!

Reducto:
Oh, speak for yourself!

Reducto:
[in bed whimpering] I don't know quite what you're expecting but I must confess. This is my first time.

Norlissa:
You're right, baby. It is your first time. 'Cause until you've been with Norlissa, you haven't done it right.

Black Vulcan:
[to Norlisa] So! You've got a new man! Is that what it is? Baby...WHOO!! You lose your gym membership or something? I like 'em big, but mm...

Norlisa:
What?! When's the last time you went to the gym?! Look at that big old gut on you that looks like one big ab!

Harvey:
Mr Gator ... [Wally Gator breaths menacengly, Harvey steps back], tell the court in your own words what you do each day

Wally Gator:
Well ..., I fish and hunt, then I watch NASCAR. yep.

Harvey:
Things have been harder lately?

Wally Gator:
Oh sure have! All these chain stores sprung up all over the place

Harvey:
And the wildlife you're accused of injuring while trying to make your living crawfising in the swamp?

Wally Gator:
Manatees [Switch to projecting slides where Wally shreds a manatee with his speedboat fan]. Don't see why the laws protecting them! Ain't nothin but floatin' meatsacks! [Court in surprise, deputy zips up pants] . Huh, federal government has NO BUSINESS tellin me how I should live MY LIFE!!!

Mightor:
[Catering liquor from a reflux still] Heh, preach!!!

Phil:
Take downs are worth two points.

[A bra lands on one of the monks.]

Phil:
Ummm... Three if you're topless.

Monk:
I see...

Peanut:
Some 'un got a summons.

Harvey:
I'm being sued! Right?

Peanut:
Yeah... I think that's fair to say.

Harvey:
Quick, I need a lawyer!

Peanut:
... Wait...

Harvey:
I need a good lawyer!

Shado:
Fools! I am SHADOOOO THE BRAIIINNN THIEF!

Potamus:
SAVANA! Who's ready for some lap candy?

Shado:
I will have the Cobb salad.

Potamus:
Nonsense! Will have four blooming onions and the full slab of baby backs. For the table!

Shado:
I am no longer eating pork. (talking) I just telepathically communicated that I am no longer eating pork.

Harvey:
[whispering, having seen several costumed villains in courtroom] What's going on?

Potamus:
...Pride Weekend?

Mentok:
[appearing in chair] Hippo, bird and...who are you?

Shado:
SHADOOOOO THE BRAIN THIEF...

Mentok:
Oh, no you don't. No "brain thieving" in my courtroom, you understand?. This is mind taking country, partner. You got it? Good.

Shado:
All part of a class action suit against this supposed "hero."...

Harvey to Potamus:
Class action suit! And your opening statement was about that thing you sent them?

Potamus:
[points at large chested court reporter] Check out the ha-has on Miss Stenopad.

Prof. Nightshade:
Look, I'm Professor Nightshade. PROFESSOR Nightshade, I don't care who you are, you show a professor a little respect. You don't just shoot him 5-no wait (looks into his pants and nods as he counts) fi-no six, six! times in the nads!

Mentok:
More witnesses, evidence, anything like that?

Potamus:
Nah, we're done

Mentok:
[in Peter Potamus's head] Call Shado to the stand

Potamus:
I... call... Shado... to.. the.. stand... Now what?

Mentok:
[in Peter Potamus's head] Ask him the quesion

Potamus:
Uhh... did you...

Mentok:
Go on.

Potamus:
Did.. you.. get.. that.. thing I sent ya?

Shado:
The thing you sent? I'm sure I did. One moment...

Mentok:
And how long did they have to respond, Mr Potamus?

Potamus:
2 weeks.

Mentok:
Oh, and lets see. That was two weeks ago right... now! MISTRIAL!

Shado:
But nobody knew about that request for discovery. I hid it so well! How did you...

Mentok:
Know? Back at the bar, when you thought we were getting all palsy-walsy, I was actually flipping through that sorry organizer you call a mind, looking for DIRT! YA KNOW WHAT WE CALL THAT?! MIND-TAKING BABY!!!!! ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!!!!!! YOU'VE TRIED THE REST, NOW TRY THE BEST!! ONCE YOU'VE GONE BLACK, YOU NEVER GO BACK!!!!!!!!!

Harvey:
So, I didn't hurt this guy, or that guy, or that guy, or this...gal?

Mentok:
Oh, no. You hurt 'em, Birdy. You hurt 'em real bad. But you won! And that's all that matters!

Potamus:
I can't feel my leg! My third leg!

Peanut:
Hello? Western Union? Are you in?

Birdman:
Huh? Oh.. Oh no, I'm out of chips!

X:
Maybe, there's something else of value you can bet?

Birdman:
What?

X:
Like, the CCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEESSSSTTT on Birdman's helmet!

Peanut:
Whaddya got?

X:
Uh... Four. Kings. [pause] I WIN! I WIN! I WIN I WIN I WIN! [Dashes out the door, singing] Hey mister passer-by, CREST ON BIRDMAN'S HELMET! [Birdman's cell phone rings and he answers it, it is X] I WON!

X:
[runs out of his room] LIGHT-UP CREST ON BIRDMAN'S HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

[Scene cuts to Harvey's office. X runs in]

X:
...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELMET!!!

Reducto:
Your Honor, Sheriff Ricochet took a... DON'T YOU MOVE FROM THAT CHAIR!... an oath to protect the public, to ensure the public's... YOUR LEGS! STOP MOVING YOUR LEGS!... safety. But in the end he caused more property damage, more injury and loss of life than the very criminals he was...

[Ricohet Rabbit starts bouncing around the courtroom]

Reducto:
[Jumping around and firing his shrink gun] Ah! You see? This is just the sort of reckless endangerment of which I speak! Ahhhh!

Birdman:
And if I fire this, it should stun him enough so I can retrieve my...

Peanut:
Crest?

Birdman:
YES! [Birdman squeezes through oil covered hole, wearing no pants] BIRDMAN'S CREST ON X'S HELMET!

[a pregnant pause]

Peanut:
Okay, that was creepy.

Mentok:
Oh, you do, do you?

[X pops up in the background]

X:
The evil-do that I do do.

X:
See, that lighting guy didn't do me any favors.

Zardo:
I think you look very good, I do think...

X:
I wonder if this was my 15.

Zardo:
No, No. Look at you. You're fantastic on television. You should be on television.

X:
It's occurred to me.

X:
(singing) Hey, Mr. Passer-by! Crest on Birdman's helmet!

Phil:
Everyone, it's Take Phil's Daughter To Work Day.

Peanut:
I hereby volunteer to show her the interior of every supply closet.

[Phil Ken Sebben introduces his daughter]

Phil:
Judy thinks she's interested in a law career. Ha ha ha! Pfft.

Judy:
That's right, and I've been particularly interested in your work, Mr. Birdman.

Harvey:
Really?

[Phil slaps Harvey with his mug, but appears across the room in the next frame]

Phil:
Birdman, don't get any ideas, you hear? No touchy touchy, no rubby rubby patty, and no looky looky touchy.

Peanut:
Sucky.

Phil:
I'm no Fred Flinstone, but I'm gonna make your bed-rock!

Birdgirl:
Daddy!!!

Phil:
Ooh, that's hot! Say it again!

Harvey:
That's it, you can't hang around anymore! This is not a game! Someone could have died back there, before any billable services were rendered.

Reducto:
Mr. Mole, please show us your uniform.

Morocco Mole:
My uniform?

Reducto:
The Geneva Convention states that only those in uniform are considered soldiers.

Harvey:
Objection, he isn't even wearing any pants.

Reducto:
Exactly.

Phil:
Neither am I. Is that a crime?

Mentok:
Uh, yes. Yes, it is.

Falcon Seven:
Birdman, we need your help! Reducto threatens the entire populace and demands to see you.

Birdman:
I have no choice but to go to him.

Falcon Seven:
Actually, before you go there I was wondering if you could swing by here first.

Birdman:
Why? What is it?

Falcon Seven:
Well, I can't move my right arm. Uhhh… Ghaa! Ooh-ahh, grhaa, guh-OOOY-guh-gah! Nope. Could be lockjaw.

Birdman:
I'll be right there, Falcon Seven, after I deal with Reducto.

Falcon Seven:
[mumbled through increasingly immoble teeth] Wait, Birdman! I said come here first!

Reducto:
[while being shot with his shrink gun] Oh, sweet teensy bliss; goodbye, large world!

Mentok:
You're no longer in control of your mind, and your wings are missing too.

Harvey:
I am no longer in control of my mind, and my wings are missing too.

Mentok:
Ehh, you don't have to repeat what I'm saying.

Harvey:
I don't have to repeat what you're saying.

Mentok:
I mean it stop it.

Harvey:
I mean it stop it... You mean it stop it

Mentok:
Okay, lets try this: you only do it when I say "Mentok Says," okay?

Harvey:
[is silent]

Mentok:
Okay, good.

Harvey:
Okay, good.

Mentok:
I didn't say "Mentok says."

Harvey:
You didn't say..

Falcon Seven:
Birdman! A madman has stolen a sensitive military test rocket!

Birdman:
But Falcon Seven, I'm decoupaging! If I leave now, it may bubble!

Falcon Seven:
We need you, Birdman!

Birdman:
Auuggghhh!

Falcon Seven:
Birdman! A madman is causing earthquakes!

Birdman:
Auuggghhh!

Falcon Seven:
Birdman! A pirate is looting some booty! ... A neanderthal is leaving doody! ... A drag queen is singing some Judy!... A mad scientist is freez… [gets frozen mid-sentence, then Birdman thaws him out] ...Ha ha ha! Ing!

Birdman:
That's it, Falcon Seven! I quit!

Falcon Seven:
Quit, and do what?

Birdman:
I don't know, a regular job, like normal people have, a desk job with normal clothes and regular work, work you get paid for…

[cut to present day]

Phil:
[over intercom] Birdman, get in here! A Mr. Peebles is suing Mr. Dibble!

Birdman:
Sigh!

Robert Osborne:
And that was 1944's "Double Indemnity" with Fred MacMurray and, of course, the glorious Barbara Stanwyck. Now, later Frank Capra would confess in his autobiography that he fell in love with Stanwyck and had he not been more in love with Lucille Rayburn, whom he eventually did marry, he would have asked Barbara Stanwyck to marry him, after she called it quits with Frank Fay and before she married Robert Taylor. Well, that's it for tonight, thanks for watching, and I'll see you next time.

Grok:
An oracle foretold of a pink feathered man-bird coming from the sky to bring pestilence and death upon our tribe. You bad chinga, brother.

Potamus:
Sentcha decrees a feast and an orgy... Hell, an orgy sexy feast.

Grok:
That's Prince's best album.

Harvey:
I'm not even pink! It's the spa terry!

Phil:
I'm not a marriage counselor, but I do have this whip.

Harvey:
You speak English?!

Grok:
Why wouldn't I? Yet another cultural stereotype...

Harvey:
No, it's just that, uh, the dinosaurs and the grunting and all... where did you learn...?

Grok:
Three semesters at CSU-Long Beach.

Cavemen:
GO, NINERS!

Harvey:
Peanut, if we're going to win this case, I need proof.

Peanut:
Proof of what?

Harvey:
Um... Evolution?

[they come across an unnamed governor suspiciously-reminiscent of George Wallace at the schoolhouse gates]

Peanut:
I'd look elsewhere for that...

Reducto:
Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you... do you think you're descended from... apes? From filthy animals, covered in fur, hair everywhere on their body? Hair that grows back even if we spend hours each day removing one by one any offending follicle from our face or chest or worse, back? With tweezers or dare I say more painful methods like harsh depilatory creams or sugar waxing? FULL BRAZILIAN!

[Harvey is in a stall in the bathroom]

Birdman:
[sighs]

Potamus:
That you Birdman?

Birdman:
You know, now is not a great time.

Potamus:
Did'ja get that thing I sent ya?

Birdman:
No! No I didn't! I never get that thing you sent me! I never gotten that thing you sent me and I'm beginning to wonder if you ever once sent me anything! While I'm at it, if I HAD gotten that thing you sent me, EVER, I doubt I'd be interested in what it said. [loud sigh]

Potamus:
[wimpers]

Birdman:
Ho, hey. I'm, I'm sorry.

Potamus:
[cries out]

Birdman:
I made a mistake. Yeah! It seems I did get something earlier today.

Potamus:
[bursts out of stall] YA DID!? [runs out of bathroom] HE GOT THAT THING I SENT HIM!

Phil:
Mopey, mopey hippo!

Phil:
[showing the triplets how to tie a knot] The rabbit comes out of the hole, goes around the tree, sees a lady rabbit and invites her back to the waren, but then remembers he's married, so he takes a detour to that little motel out on the interstate.

Spewie:
What else can you teach us Mr. Phil?

Phil:
Uhh, I dunno. How about first aid?

[the triplets cheer]

Phil:
Alright. Lesson number 1, choking. Okay, which one of you can pretend to be choking for me, has to be realistic, now.

[Potamus falls over choking in the background]

Potamus:
Shhh... Shhh... Birdman, Shhh... Shhh... Shhent ya

Harvey:
But I don't know what I'm doing.

Potamus:
Nonsense. Look at me. Look at me. Now, listen very closly to what I'm about to say to you.

Harvey:
Okay...

Potamus:
Promise you're going to listen to these words with all your heart.

Harvey:
Okay.

Potamus:
Do you have inside you here...?

Harvey:
Yes?

Potamus:
Deep, deep, inside you... Do you have the one true thing that you need in life that will guide you through it all?

Harvey:
Yes?

Potamus:
Do you have that one thing...?

Harvey:
What thing? Tell me. WHAT IS IT?!

Potamus:
It's that thing... that I sent... to you.

Spyro:
So, Mr. Dum-Dum, please tell us what happened on the morning of the 24th.

Dum-Dum:
Der, well, it was a Thursday. Thursday's the garbage day in our house.

Mentok:
[in his head] This is my life. This... is what it's come to. Off the charts IQ, best schools in the galaxy, and I'm stuck here with Butter-Boob (Dum-Dum) and Nit-Snicky (Sypro).

Mentok:
[To the dog and Spyro, who have swapped minds] You two, scat. I wanna lock up.

Dog:
I'll bite you on the ass. Growl.

Mentok:
Fine, I'll switch you back, spoilsport. Booweeoop.

[an unearthy voice utters 'MENTOK' as the mind of Spyro and a dog exchange bodies]

Mentok:
[Points to Spyro] You, speak. [Spyro barks] Uh,oh and you? [dog barks]

Spyro:
[With the mind of a child] I had a bad dream. I wanna' sleep with you!

Mentok:
[Grinning] Who doesn't?

Mentok:
Y'know, two dates...two nights...people will start a-talkin'. Are you comfortable?

Gigi:
Not with these clothes on. They're so tight and...clothesy.

[Gigi rips off her dress]

Mentok:
[grinning] This is why I came to Earth [shakes fist at sky] Take that, Momtok!

Mentok:
All right. Your judge had a frustrating, frustrating night last night so I'd appreciate it if everybody just played nicey-nice.

Mentok:
Eeney, meenie, miney, MINDSWAP!

Voice over:
Sebben and Sebben gives back to the community in a number of ways, our support of the arts featuring the annual Sebben and Sebben Shakespeare festival

[Phil is is alone on a stage, dressed as Hamlet.]

Phil:
To die... to sleep... to sleep, perchance to dream; ay, there's the rub... Ha ha... rub! For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come... must give us pause... make us bear those... uh, I've forgotten. Huh... I know I'm depressed about something. Uh-ba-da-da... mother: dead.... no, father dead, mother alive, kind of a sexy thing with the mom, uncle; probably killed my father, girlfriend: crazy as a loon, her father's a chatterbox, I killed him... ah, this is all too complicated. [Thunderous applause.]

Voice over:
And most importantly providing the resources for individual employees to set up their own charity work, like the Peter Potamus Home for Hot Unwed Mothers.

[Explaining the five steps to success at Sebben & Sebben]

Voice over:
Identifying that thing.

Potamus:
[echoing] That thing...

Voice over:
Setting your sights on that thing.

Potamus:
[echoing] That thing...

Voice over:
Reaching for that thing.

Potamus:
[echoing] That thing...

Voice over:
Getting that thing.

Potamus:
[echoing] You get that thing?

Voice over:
Recognition for getting that thing

Potamus:
[echoing] Congratulations... [farts] Excuse me I got tension.

[Sebben & Sebben Motto - Printed on handy key fob]

Putting clients first by putting employees first. Immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibility and leveraging profitability toward exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.

[7 Habits of Highly Flatulent People]

Denial, Acceptance, Getting There, Cover-up, Solutions, Reforms, Exploiting your Talents

Phil:
You ever seen It's a Wonderful Life? Even that Bailey bastard couldn't screw this up!

Elliott:
These will be your office supplies: pencil sharpeners, two; three-hole punch, two; shredders, two; staples, two; stapler, one - oh, crap! - folders, two; paper clips, two. You'll get two of everything. Don't tell me two of some things is too much and two of other things are "too little"! I don't care, for I am the Deadly Duplica...

Voice-over:
(cutting him off) Proper conduct...

Phil:
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there. I was busy counting my large sums of money. Ever get a paper cut from a $7,000 bill? Doesn't tickle. But you'll never have to worry about that!

[Sexual Harassment Section]

Peanut:
(to two girls) Hi, I'm Peanut. You can be butter, and, oh, gosh, I guess you'll be jelly and, this is just off the top of my head, how 'bout a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich? What'dya say?

Voice over:
The correct way is...

Peanut:
(to two girls) Hi, I'm Peanut. You can be butter, and, oh gosh, I guess you'll be jelly and, this is just off the top of my head, how 'bout a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich? What'dya say?

Voice over:
The difference? This time, he's unplugged the security camera in the corner, which means there's no evidence of this encounter.

[Harvey has a stack of documents to be copied]

Harvey:
Morning! Can I really get this in an hour?

Elliott:
Yes, sir. We'll have it done in two hours.

Harvey:
Ah, okay! Great! Two hours!

Elliott:
Come on back in four hours and we'll have it all ready for you.

Elliott:
Harvey Birdman. Harvey Birdman. Baffacch! Baffacch! Just the latest in a long series of duplication slights. [Cut to a photo shop] First, there was his ridiculous refusal to accept the second set of photo prints.

Clerk #1:
Want twin shots?

Harvey:
One print's fine.

Elliott:
[in a video rental store] Then...

Elliott:
Do you have Double Indemnity?

Clerk #2:
[pointing to Harvey in line with movie and pouring popcorn into his mouth] That guy's got it.

Elliott:
Then, his dating of not just one, but both of the Doublemint Twins.

[The twins get into Harvey's convertible and drive off with him, leaving Elliott in the dust]

Elliott:
Baffacch! Now his final crime, the crime for which I will exact revenge-getting my name wrong. Everyone knows it's Elliott-two l's and two t's. I have two of everything, for I am the Deadly Duplicator!

Elliott:
(thinking) His boss didn't manage to rid the world of the scourge of Birdman. I must make more copies of him to shoot, and this time he will eliminate the real Birdman.

X:
Chose another verb, buddy!

Elliott:
(thinking) Oh, ah sorry. He will kill the real Birdman.

X:
Better.

Harvey Birdmans:
I/we know what you've been up to, Elliott, or should I say "the Deadly Duplicator". Your reproductive days are over!

Hiram Mightor [quick cutaway] Deedle-deedle-dee.

Elliott:
We'll see about that, Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman and Birdman.

Phil:
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe, and from this side only! The flight of a half-man, half-bird. Dinosaurs nuzzling their young in pastures where strip-malls should be. Cookies on dowels. All those moments lost in time; gone like eggs off a hooker's stomach. Time to die.

Birdman:
And if someone were stunned, even momentarily, that may be enough time to recover my...

Peanut:
Crest?

Birdman:
YES! [Birdman squeezes through oil covered hole, wearing no pants] BIRDMAN'S CREST ON X'S HELMET!

[a pregnant pause]

Peanut:
Well, that was a little creepy.