Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law, Season 4

Mentok:
What's the meaning of this? This is my quiet time.

Hiram Mightor:
We're going to have to take you into custody.

Mentok:
Ha ha. That's outrageous. What am I charged with?

Hiram Mightor:
Don't have to tell you anymore. Clearly you haven't been reading your Scalia.

Harvey:
You're a genie?

Mentok:
Used to be a genie. I was also a sex worker, a Cossack, and an EST instructor for a summer in Marin. My point? I'm in jail, you idiot! Look, Shazzan has everyone fooled. He's trying to pin it on me.

Harvey:
So, we'll...we'll just go to the judge and tell him your story.

Mentok:
I'm a judge! We don't believe anything!

Potamus:
[to a janitor] Regarding the talc situation-you're out of it!

Avenger:
Potamus. Did you flush?

Potamus:
Who said that?

Avenger:
I did, fatass.

Potamus:
Oy gault. Please tell me those ain't Heisenberg Brothers Bagels. [Tramples to Harvey's desk] What kind should I have?!

Harvey Birdman:
I'm uncertain.

Potamus:
I haven't had bread for months. I've had a wallear for a Kaiser roll or something starchy. Oyster crackers-anything! A sammich without bread isn't a sammich-it's meat with mustard on your hands!

Phil Ken Sebben:
That monster is attacking Judy!

Harvey Birdman:
But Phil, he's saving her!

Phil Ken Sebben:
My God, you're right! (Presses tank fire button) I can't believe it! (Presses tank fire button) I was so wrong about that creature, dead wrong. Ha ha! Foreshadowing! About the dead part, not the wrong part. I only saw his grotesque visage, not his noble, majestic hearrrrrt.

[Phil fumbles a tranquilizer dart, which lands on his crotch]

Phil:
Ha, ha, HA! Numby nutkins!

[Potamus has taken control of the firm and is sitting in Phil Ken Sebben's office]

Judy:
Daddy?

Potamus:
I love this job.

Judy:
Where's daddy?

Potamus:
Uh...he went on, uh...a...

[Potamus sees a billboard with 'vacation' partially replaced by 'honeymoon']

Potamus:
vaca...neymoon.

Judy:
Vacaneymoon? With Aunt Phyllis? He didn't say anything about--

Potamus:
They eloped. Silly kids.

Judy:
But elopement's for the wedding, not the vacaneymoon.

[Potamus rushes her out of the office]

Potamus:
Be happy for them! It's a joyous time!

Judy:
Well do you know when he'll be back? I need him to sign this...ugh Sex Ed permission slip for my community college.

Potamus:
He just said co-co butter...and like that...he was gone.

Guy:
Hey! You don't have the authority to hire people!

Potamus:
Oh yeah? (leans out the window where below, an attractive girl walks past) Hey HA HAS! You're hired!

Mary:
You see, I had to give up my last job so I could take care of my mother. And then there's the lunch money that I've been sending to the African schoolchildren. So how much is my raise?

Harvey:
20%

Birdgirl:
Nothing! In fact, you're fired! Ka-Downsized! You spend five hours a day Googling pictures of kittens in rain boots! Get out!

Mary:
How could you DO THIS TO ME?!?!?!

Potamus:
...and the school kids.

Harvey:
It was Phil!

Mary:
HOW DARE YOU BLAME A DEAD MAN, YOU BASTARD!!!

Debbie:
Mr.-slight retch-Birdman's office.

X:
Hi, Debbie, it's me. Put me through please. [Debbie hangs up] Hello? [Redials] It's X. Uh, X the Eliminator? Yeah, I'd like to speak to Harvey if I could, please.

Debbie:
No, he's booked through December. Try back next year.

X:
Look! I need to talk to him, okay? It's regarding tonight's menu!

Debbie:
I don't have him down for dinner.

X:
I...didn't invite him yet. [Debbie hangs up again] I understand. Short notice. [Slams phone down] I hate him!

Zardo:
Um, well?

X:
He's not coming!

Debbie:
Two things: I'm going to lunch, and the office has degraded into sectarian violence.

Devlin:
Whores are for heroes!

[X dials the number for an Evil Life Coach]

Perfectionist:
Hi. I've changed my menu options, so please listen carefully. For landscaping, press one. Dog walking, press two. Nude housecleaning, press any key any time...

X:
[impatiently] Come on, come on, come on...

Perfectionist:
If you need an Evil Life Coach, press four.

[X presses four]

X:
[awkwardly] Hi... uh, heh... Well, I saw your ad, and uh...

Voice Mail Prompt:
You have... ten... seconds.

X:
[frantically] PLEASE HELP ME, I'M NOT EVIL ENOUGH! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! MAKE ME EVIL!

Harvey:
I have to call this number to find out if I have to report for jury duty (looks around, sees he is alone) Wait, who am I talking to? (Dials number, Mentok answers phone like an automated recording)

Mentok:
If your number is greater than 3000...(Harvey looks at his number: 2147)...you don't have to come in tomorrow.

Harvey:
Damn!

Mentok:
I'm not finished.

Harvey:
Oh.

Mentok:
If your number is divisible by 19, you don't have to come in tomorrow

Harvey:
Umm...(gets pen and paper)

Mentok:
If two trains leave your number at the same time travelling at the same speed in different directions, you don't have to come in tomorrow.

Harvey:
Hold on...

Mentok:
If your number is 2147 or less, you don't have to come in tomorrow.

Harvey:
YES!!

Mentok:
Unless it IS "2147" WHICH MEANS YOU DO!! WE'LL SEE YOU AT 5:45 AM, SUCKERRRR!!!

Harvey:
$27.90? But this meal voucher they gave us is only good for three dollars.

Elliott the Deadly Duplicator:
(behind the counter) Ah-HA-ha-hahaha! Yes! YES! The mighty Birdman humbled by a chimichanga! Wait, that thing is $27.90? (clerk nods) Are you kidding me?! That's bullshit! He doesn't even get a fountain drink! Gimme that! (snatches voucher and duplicates it) There, now you owe him $8.10. How's that feel, huh?(Elliot exits cafe, turns left, another Elliot comes from right side of the door and jumps on counter) And what the f*** is chipotle anyway?!

Harvey:
So, your honor, the matter before you is simply-deep breath (deep breath), camera starts on Race (Avenger starts camera and focuses on Race Bannon and Benton Quest)-should a child's guardian-pan to Apache-who suffers injury at the hand of a coffee conglomerate-whip-pan to Shaggy/Scooby-be allowed to misconstrue foolish behavior (walks along the following clients) as a result of revolutionary political beliefs (Boo Boo Bear), all the while flouting copyright protection (Shoyu Weenie), RICO statutes (Fred Flintstone) and public indecency laws (Secret Squirrel), therefore encouraging discrimination (Inch High, Private Eye) and negligence (Ernie Devlin and wife) as well as the great strides we've made vis-à-vis automobile safety (Speed Buggy) and drug legislation, Second Amendment (Quick Draw McGraw)...

Birdgirl:
(dropping off more clients) 26!

Harvey:
...and, er, First Amendment rights (Ding-a-Ling Wolf), working toward a positive future (The Jetsons, with Judy in full body cast), or will we devolve to a barbaric past (Grape Ape and Beegle Beagle)? Should we duck these decisions (Yakky Doodle in Grape Apes teeth) or confront them, removing all wrinkles (Droopy Dog with supermodels) and doubts...

Mentok:
16 seconds.

Harvey:
Uh...it takes merely the simplest leap (Wally Gator and Ricochet Rabbit) to unearth (Morocco Mole) a distinction between savage past (Captain Caveman and Cavey Jr.) and barbarism (another caveman)...

Mentok:
4...3...

Birdgirl:
(holding Top Cat and vase with Shazzan) 37 and 38! (She runs and trips over Inch High, sending them flying into Harvey's arms)

Harvey:
...laws were dictated by roll of the dice. To that I say be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it!

Mentok:
Don't rub that.

Harvey:
I...won't.

Mentok:
Are you finished?

Harvey:
I think so.

Mentok:
See you in a week (disappears into a cloud) BOOOO-WEEEEEOOOOO.

Harvey:
Your Honor!

Mentok:
What?!

Harvey:
Do you have a ruling?

Mentok:
Oh, that. All judgments stand as previously ordered.

Harvey:
(numbers popping up) Case #398567703296...

Mentok:
...7228489273124...

Harvey:
...483395639462...

Peanut:
...8.

Birdgirl:
Who is it?!

Harvey:
Nitron.

Mentok:
And he's not alone; I gave him the keys to the Death-Con 12 (12).

Harvey:
How could you?!

Mentok:
Hey, nobody's perfekt. That's spelled with a K.

Phil:
No matter how many times you say that, it still gets me ro- Oh, my God! I just did the math! By "Daddy", you don't mean bend me over your knee and call the fire department because you have a flamer down there; you mean Daddy! Judy! Daughter, is it you?

Everyone in the Background:
Yes!

Phil:
I can't believe you were trying to get into your own father's pants. Now that's just sick. And me helpless, (pointing down) with the one eye.

Phil:
Ha Ha Ha! Last laugh!

Potamus:
[from inside bathroom stall] That you, Birdman?

Potamus:
Oh. Hey, regarding the talc situation—YOU'RE OUT OF IT!

Avenger:
Potamus...

Potamus:
Eh?

Avenger:
Did you flush?

Potamus:
Who said that?

Avenger:
I did. Fat-ass.

Potamus:
Meyn Got! Talkin' animal! [recoiling] This ain't riiight! SKEEVIN' ME OUT! [flees bathroom]

Harvey:
[alone in his kitchen] I have to call this number after five P.M. to see if it is necessary to report for Jury Duty... Who am I talking to?

Harvey:
Please say no, please say no...

Mentok:
[answering the phone] If your number is below two thousand three hundred fifty eight...

Phil:
Peter Potamus... Phil Ken Sebben.

Potamus:
Mr. President what an honor.

Phil:
Listen, I'm wondering if you'd be interested in bringing your brand of populous shadily financed wisdom here to D.C. to join my administration.

Potamus:
Can I still speak truth to power, except when truth becomes inconvenient to power?

Phil:
Get out here you!