Hazbin Hotel

[After Charlie sings about the hotel]

Audience Member:
Wow! That was shit.

Angel Dust:
[after Sir Pentious slams him into the ground] Ohh, harder, daddy!

Sir Pentious:
[gasp] Son?

Alastor:
[to Angel Dust] And what can you do, my effeminate fellow?

Angel Dust:
I can suck your dick.

Alastor:
Ha! No.

Angel Dust:
[scoff] Your loss.

Angel Dust:
If Freaky-Face over there is so powerful, why cant he just make people stay here?

Alastor:
Oh, trust me! [menacingly] I can.

Husk:
Why do ya think I'm here? You don't actually think I'd be here scrubbing bottles and listening to you fucks bitch and moan all the time if he [Alastor] wasn't forcing me?

Nifty:
I like being forced.

Husk:
Keep that to yourself, Nif.

Angel Dust:
What, you don't like being here with me, Whiskers?

Husk:
Call me "Whiskers" again, and I'll jam that bottle down your throat.

Angel Dust:
Kinky! Come on, keep talking dirty!

Adam, The First Man:
Call me dickmaster.

Valentino:
Fuckin' finally! [to a Fizzarolli robot] Kitty, another drink! Can you believe what that piece of shit did? The ungrateful little WHORE! [hurls a glass at the wall, shattering it. Vox leans out of the way, nonchalantly]

Vox:
Um, which whore are we talking about this time?

Valentino:
Fucking Angel Dust! Who the Hell else would I be talking about?! [Vox subtly getures at himself, looking irritated] That fucking slut! Walked out on me. ME! I fucking MADE him! Without me, he's just a bag of meat with some mildly entertaining holes.

Vox:
[starts typing on his phone] Oh, Angel quit?

Valentino:
NO! He didn't fuckin' quit! It's worse! He MOVED! [grabs Vox's phone and throws it across the room, with Vox looking back at his empty hand incredulously] He thinks he can just walk in here, work and then go somewhere else?! Can you FUCKIN' believe that?! He thinks he can run off and shack up with Lucifer's bimbo daughter.

Vox:
Angel is... living with Lucifer's daughter, now?

Valentino:
[opens his wardrobe] Yeah, that bitch Chalkie, Chandler or... I dunno, somethin' mannish like that. She's got this hotel, and- which of these makes me look sexier? [turns around hefting a pair of handguns, one gold and one pink, grinning nastily]

Vox:
[chuckles in exasperation] What are you doing, Val? You're not going over there.

Valentino:
[turns away] That slippery twink is going to remember who owns him. I'm gonna fuck everyone in that rancid shithole, I swear to God-

[Vox grabs him and spins him around, the hypnotic signal emanating from his eye]

Vox:
[Voice distorted with anger] VAL... [chuckles as he leads Val away, swiping one of the guns from his hand] Think about it. Our brand, is perfection. And, what do you think chasing whores around town will... do to our image?

Valentino:
Uh... fuck it up?

Vox:
Riiiight! [a score-bell rings] Do you want people thinking you... can't control your employees?

Valentino:
[defensively] No!

Vox:
Exactly! And hey, you've still got him under contract; he isn't going anywhere. So, you should...? [looks at Val hintingly]

Valentino:
...Do nothing?

Vox:
[grabs Val around the shoulders, background sounds of a slot machine] Great idea! Now, that's why they pay you the big bucks. [pinches Val's cheek]

Valentino:
[grumbles] Well, I really wanted to shoot someone!

Vox:
[lights Val's cigarette with his fingertip, walks away] Well, let me call up the lowest earners this month.

Valentino:
[fondly] Oh, you know me too well. [chuckles, drags on his cigarette] You know, Angel isn't the only one spending time at this ratty hotel with the Devil's princessa.

Vox:
Oh, who else is there? Someone who... owes you money?

Valentino:
[chuckles] Someone who owes us much more than money. The Radio Demon is there.

Vox:
[chuckles, distorted voice as he turns around]... What did you just say?

Valentino:
You heard me.

Vox:
Alastor... came back... and he is with Lucifer's daughter... [grabs Val's lapels] and THAT WASN'T THE FIRST FUCKING THING YOU TOLD ME?!

Valentino:
Hey, killing Alastor is your kink.

Alastor:
[during "Stayed Gone"; singing] Let's begin. I'm gonna make you wish that I'd stayed gone[slowly becomes more wendigo-esque, sprouting shadowy antlers], tune on in[places microphone/staff down]. When I'm done, your status quo will know its race is run, oh this will be fun. [his eyes become radio dials, and blood forms on the edges of his mouth as it grows into a wider and more unsettling smile; laughs dementedly as Vox's screens go dark]

Vox:
[exasperated] FUU-UU-UUCK!

Angel Dust:
So, how'd it go?

Vaggie:
[sighs] Not a single recruit.

Angel Dust:
Yeah, well, who'd want ta not use their last days fucking an' fightin'?

Sir Pentious:
Well, hello, my dear- [Vaggie knocks him flat with a punch and points her spear at him] Waitwaitwait! I come in peace!

Vaggie:
What are you doing here?!

Charlie Morningstar:
Vaggie, what's the problem- [gasps as she sees Pentious] Oh! Hello again!

Sir Pentious:
[gets up] I didn't come looking for a fight. I, uh, I heard that you're helping people. People who want...to be better?

Charlie Morningstar:
[grabs him and leads him into the hotel] You heard right! Welcome to our home of healing, our resort of restoration, our-

Angel Dust:
Are you fuckin' nuts? This chump was tryin' to kill us, like, literally six hours ago! And now you wanna bring him in here, to live with us?

Charlie Morningstar:
Absolutely! This place is about second chances. And who deserves one more than this...slithery... slippery... special little man?

Angel Dust:
[to Vaggie] Aren't you supposed to protect this place?

Vaggie:
[sighs] I... guess he's not much of a threat without the war machine. [Pentious beams] Or even with the war machine. [Pentious pouts]

Charlie Morningstar:
[hugs Vaggie] Ohh, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou! Sir Pentious, welcome to the Hazbin Hotel!

Sir Pentious:
Ohh, no, darling, thank you! You won't regret this. [they enter]

Angel Dust:
[scoffs] I give ya a week, tops.

Charlie Morningstar:
So- this is the bar, and [indicates Husk] the bartender. This is the curtain, and this is the new wall, after you broke the last one, hehe. And, oh! This is- [Vaggie pulls her aside]

Vaggie:
Babe, you don't have to show him every detail.

Charlie Morningstar:
Sorry, I'm just so excited to have our first real guest!

Angel Dust:
Uh, what the Hell am I, then?

Charlie Morningstar:
Well, you're an important part of our family here, Angel. But, you, erm, uh...

Vaggie:
Constantly make us look bad, sexually harrass the staff, and have literally never once tried to improve?

Charlie Morningstar:
What she means is, it's just nice to have someone interested, for once. [as she follows Pentious, Angel looks forlorn] Over here, we have our maid, Niffty.

Niffty:
Ohhh! The bad boy is back! [scurries up Pentious' chest, unnerving him] Never leave me again.

Charlie Morningstar:
We're about 80% sure she's harmless. And over here, we have- [she almost runs into Alastor- grinning, as always- on the stairs] Oh! Uh, Alastor, our gracious facility manager! You've met our newest guest, Sir Pentious? [laughs uneasily]

Alastor:
Ah, yes! You're the one who ruined my coat! [menacingly] I definitely remember you now.

Charlie Morningstar:
Well, I guess this is a great time for your first lesson! Ahem: How To Apologize! The first step to becoming a better person, is to admit when you are wrong! Why don't you give it a try? [she pushes Pentious toward Alastor]

Sir Pentious:
[uneasily] Yes! Um... Mr., um, Radio Demon, sir. Please forgive me for attacking you and ruining your very lovely coat. Um... here. [hands Alastor the shred of coat he tore off previously]

Alastor:
Oho! Not many people have been able to take even this much off of me! It must have meant quite a lot to you. [he incinerates it]

[Angel Dust returns from Val's studio after Charlie tried to help him; groans as he sits at the bar]

Angel Dust:
[groans] I need a drink. The hardest you can make.

Husk:
You look like shit. [turns to pour the drink]

Angel Dust:
[fixes himself] Not possible. Just a long shoot. [downs the glass as Husk puts it down] I said a strong one.

Husk:
Excuse me. Didn't realize this was a drink-to-forget kind of night. [refills his glass]

Angel Dust:
[sarcastically] Oh I forgot. You're the "wise old bartender who's seen it all". [deadpan] Get the fuck over yourself and pour me a real drink. [knocks over the glass, spilling it]

Husk:
Look. If you've got a problem, you're not gonna find the answer at the bottom of a bottle. [wipes up contents; frowns] I should know, I've been looking there a long time.

Husk:
That fucker put somethin' in your drink!

Angel Dust:
You don't think I can tell, if someone spikes my drink? I do this all the fucking time!

Husk:
You just let people drug you, all the time?

Angel Dust:
You think I ask for it?! I don't ask for any of this shit! I didn't ask to be this way! I didn't ask for Charlie to save me, I didn't ask for you to save me. I- can handle- myself!

Husk:
Really?! Because I just saw someone self-destructing. It seems like... I dunno... you might need a bartender to talk to.

Angel Dust:
[laughs] Oh, so now you're gonna act like you give a shit about me? You think after how you treated me, I'm gonna open up to you?! Please. [starts to leave]

Husk:
Maybe I'd treat you better if you were real, and not some bullshit version of yourself, always pushing my boundaries! Lemme tell you: nobody in that Hotel cares who you are! How famous, how hot. So you might as well just... cut the act.

Angel Dust:
[whirls around, tearfully] IT'S NOT AN ACT! [Husk looks startled] It's who I need to be! And this? [gestures to the bars and clubs around them] This is my escape! Where I can forget about it all, how much I hate...everything! A place where I can get high, and not have to think about how much it hurts. And maybe, if I can ruin myself enough in the process... if I end up broken... I won't be his favorite toy anymore. And maybe he'll let me go. [sits on the sidewalk and curls into a ball]

Husk:
[sits next to him, sighs]... I was an Overlord once, you know. [Smiles] Yeah. And, uh... it was nice to have that power. But when you're dealin' in souls... while being a gambler, the stakes are pretty high. And losing a few hands, can be more than a little dangerous. [in flashback, Husk is shown losing a gamble against a grinning Alastor] So when you're down on your luck, you turn to anything to... keep you afloat. Even makin' deals yourself. So, I know what it's like to... regret the choices made. And... knowin', you can't take it back.

Lucifer, King of Hell:
[upon being asked if he knows Alastor] Hmm. No. Guess that's why Charlie called it the "Has-Been Hotel". [laughs]

Alastor:
[laughs mockingly] It was actually my idea.

Lucifer:
[mocks Alastor's laugh] Well then it's not very clever!

Alastor:
Ah Ha! [angrily] Fuck you.

Husk:
Hey, boss? Can I have a word?

Alastor:
[annoyed] What is it?

Husk:
You and I both know Mimzy only shows up when she needs somethin'. That bitch is trouble- and who knows what kinda demon she fucked with, to come runnin' to you this time?

Alastor:
It's nothing I can't handle! Don't worry, Husker! [starts to walk away] Who in their right mind would cross me?

Husk:
I mean... [sighs] You've been gone a while. And it's not like anybody knows why-

Alastor:
They don't need to know! [ruffle's Husk's ears] And don't you worry your fuzzy head about it!

Husk:
[growls, swats Alastor's hand away] You may own my soul, but I ain't your fuckin' pet!

Alastor:
[chuckles, twists his head around to look at Husk upside down] But you aaaaare! [ turns away again]

Husk:
Big talk, for someone who's also on a leash.

[Alastor freezes; the lights in the hall go out, and his eyes become glowing radio dials]

Alastor:
[chuckles, distorted radio voice as he turns back around]... What did you say?

[A glowing green chain and collar form around Husk's neck, yanking him to the floor]

Husk:
Gah! Nothin'! I, uh- [the chain yanks, cutting him off. Alastor looms nearer, winding the chain around his radio cane and taking his demonic form as Husk backs away]

Alastor:
If you ever say that again... I will tear your soul apart, and broadcast your screams for every other disrespectful WRETCH, who DARES to question me! [returns to his normal form and releases the chain as he looms over the terrified Husk]

Husk:
[quietly, shaking] Understood.

Alastor:
Lovely. [turns away, twirling his cane as vaudeville tunes play] Good talk, my good man! Always nice to catch up.

[As Charlie is crying in bed attended by Razzle and Dazzle, Alastor enters the room]

Alastor:
Ohh, Charlie, you look an absolute mess!

Charlie Morningstar:
Ugh, go away, Alastor! [covers her head with a blanket]

Alastor:
[sits next to her] Now, now, is that any way to act after picking a fight with all of Heaven and dooming everyone you love?

Charlie:
I have enough on my mind, without hearing your sadistic idea of a joke, asshole! [rolls over, turning away]

Alastor:
[startles Charlie, causing her to fall backward off the bed] Who's joking? You have a captive audience downstairs, waiting to hear what kind of inspiring performance you have planned next!

Charlie:
[sighs, curling up into a ball] I can't! How can I face them, after failing them all so hard? They came here to be saved, and all I did was cause them more pain! [Gets up] I'm just as bad as the cruelest Overlord in Hell- maybe worse! At least they don't go around giving false hope.

Alastor:
[shrugs] Well, I never expected to see such a miserable display of self-loathing from you.

Charlie:
Oh, fuck you, Alastor! All you do is stand there, smiling while you watch us struggle and fail! I don't know how you can enjoy all this suffering so much!

Alastor:
[chuckles, looming from behind Charlie] Just because you see a smile, don't think you know what's going on underneath. [grabs her face, briefly stretching it into a smile] A smile is a vaulable tool, my dear. It inspires your friends, keeps your enemies guessing... and ensures that no matter what comes your way, you're the one in control.

Charlie:
[walks to the window] But I'm not! I'm the furthest thing from in control! The person I trust most has been lying to me for years, Heaven refuses to listen- even if they did, I can't prove the Hotel works! [hits the window] Adam has an invincible Exorcist army pointed right at my doorstep, and there's nothing I can do, about ANY of it!!

Alastor:
[grins ominously, in a singsong voice] I know something you don't knowwww...

Charlie:
Huh?

Alastor:
Those big, scary Angels are not quite as indestructible as they seem.

Charlie:
What are you talking about?

Alastor:
Just that you and your little band of misfits might stand more of a chance, than you think.

Charlie:
How?! I'll do anything!

Alastor:
Anything? Then... Let's make a deal. [offers his hand]

Charlie:
[backs away] You... you want my soul?

Alastor:
[distorted voice, momentarily taking his demon form] YOUR SOUL... Heavens, no! [walks around her] All I need from you, is one itty-bitty favor. [pulls her uncomfortably close] What's a favor between friends?

Charlie:
[pulls away] I won't hurt anyone for you.

Alastor:
Who's asking?! One favor, at the time of my choosing, where you harm no one! In return, I tell you what I know! Do we have a deal?

[He offers his hand again, green glow emitting from it. Razzle and Dazzle both growl, but Charlie waves them back.]

Charlie:
[her demon features emerging] Deal.

[As she takes Alastor's hand, green smoke and lightning emits from their fingers, and Alastor takes on a voodoo-themed variation of his demon form. Glowing green elderitch symbols and spirits whirl around the room, spreading across the ceiling downstairs]

Vaggie:
No, No!

[She rushes upstairs and bursts in, spear extended, just as the light fades]

Alastor:
Right on cue!

Vaggie:
[aims her spear at him] What did you do?! Let her go! [she rushes at Alastor as he releases Charlie]

Charlie:
[steps between them] Vaggie! Stop.

Vaggie:
What? [drops her spear] No. Charlie, please, tell me you didn't...

Charlie:
I made a deal, with Alastor.

Vaggie:
Charlie!

Alastor:
[walks past them] Oh, calm down! She still owns her soul.

Charlie:
He gave me info that can save the Hotel, but we're gonna need help. The Angels can be defeated, and Carmilla is the key.

Vaggie:
What? Carmilla Carmine?

Charlie:
She killed an Exorcist in the last Extermination. She knows how they can be harmed.

Vaggie:
But... I didn't even know that was possible.

Charlie:
[sharply] If you had, would you have told me?

Vaggie:
[hurt] Charlie, I-

Charlie:
I need you, to go to her. Convince her, to teach us. If she can, we might have a chance.

Vaggie:
With just the seven of us?

Charlie:
No, we're... we're gonna need numbers, too.

Alastor:
[pops up next to them] And I know just who can help! As long as Charlie can be her usual, charming self. [pinches her cheek]

Charlie:
[smiles weakly] What's that you said about smiles?

Alastor:
[pats her head] Good girl!

Vaggie:
[pulls her back] Charlie, can we talk about this?

Charlie:
[pulls away] We can talk later! Right now, we have a job to do. [glares back] You with us?

Vaggie:
[The Exorcist Angels] can be killed.

Frank:
Yeah, that knife lady, Camaro Carfight, killed one.

Vaggie:
Wait, you knew about this?

Frank:
Uh, yeah. I told Boss about it months ago.

Vaggie:
He what?!

Sir Pentious:
What? They say insane shit all the time! How was I supposed to know this one was true?

Frank:
Bank accounts are a scam created by the shadow government.

Sir Pentious:
SEE?!

Susan:
Boo! Bring Rosie back!

Charlie:
Susan?

Rosie and Alastor:
[dismayed] Susan.