Hey Arnold!, Season 1

Helga:
Know your lines? Of course you already know your lines. But I don't want to just hear your lines... I want to feel whats in your souls.

Curly:
Do vegetables have souls?

Helga:
First, the legumes...

Peapod Kid:
Legumes? I thought we were beans.

Helga:
You ARE!

Helga:
Hey, where are the fruits?

Phoebe:
They're not here, Helga. They never showed up.

Helga:
Arn-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ld!

Arnold:
[across town on a bus] Did you hear something just now?

Arnold:
Wow, people downtown sure are friendly.

Young Helga:
[In flashback] Hey, Arnold! Shake hands with Mr. Crab!

Helga:
Those poems weren't meant to be seen until I am dead and buried and worms have consumed my flesh.

Helga:
[referring to Arnold's room] I'm in his room, the place I have often visited in my dreams.

Helga:
Ohh My gosh what is that shampoo?

Arnold:
So far, we know our suspect is female, lives in the tri-state area, and is somewhere between the ages of eight... and eighty-seven.

Gerald:
[sarcastically] Oh, we're doing good...

Helga:
First spitball of the day football head.

Gerald:
Looking like a field trip ha, Arnold?

Arnold:
Huh? Oh, are we in the Aquarium yet?

Gerald:
Not yet.

[Harold hits Eugene with a spitball]

Gerald:
Well, we better get there soon, everybody's getting kind of restless.

Arnold:
Awesome.

Harold:
Look, I'm a whale. [drinks a sip of milk and spits it out through his nose]

Guard:
[taunting the animals at the aquarium] Here, have a cookie. Ha-ha, you tossed your cookies!

Arnold's Grandma:
Go! You're free, run like the wind!

Helga:
I need that cute, stupid, football head's hat! Oh....Did I just say that out loud?

Miriam:
Helga? The door's locked, honey, what are you doing in there?

Helga:
Nothing.

Miriam:
Oh... okay.

Helga:
All I wanted was the hat... and world domination, but for right now, just the hat. Is that too much to ask?

Gerald:
Arnold! Hey Arnold! The Jolly Olly man's gone insane! He's passing out free ice-cream! Come on down!

Arnold:
No! I'm not coming down without my hat! Ever! For the rest of my life!

Gerald:
Okay. More ice-cream for me.

Helga:
Out of my way, Fat Boy!

Helga:
Did you happen to see a collection of seemingly useless junk randomly arranged behind a curtain in my closet for no apparent reason?

Miriam:
Ah huh, dear. I threw it all out.

Helga:
WHAT!?

Marty:
Woo! Arnold! Man! Did anybody ever tell you you look like some kind of sun bronzed Greek god these days?

Helga:
Ewwwww who said you could touch Me!

Helga:
I will never wash these clothes again. [Splattt!] Ewww!

Gerald:
He'll chase you down and pulverize you.

Arnold:
How can he if he never leaves his stoop?

Gerald:
Arnold, you're bold. Bold and crazy.

Harold:
Hey, Stoop Kid, are you gonna cry for your mommy! [laughs]

Stoop Kid:
Hey, come back here, you fatboy!

People:
Stoop Kid's afraid to leave his stoop! Stoop Kid's afraid to leave his stoop!

Stoop Kid:
I think I can! I think I can!

Arnold:
Helga's a girl.

Gerald:
She is? Glances at Helga Oh, yeah, I always forget.

Singing Harold:
Helga's not a girl, Helga's not a girl! [Boys repeat Harold singing "Helga's Not a Girl"]

Helga:
That's it... [hits Sid with a baseball glove] you're... dead! [Harold screams] COME BACK HERE, YOU BEAST!

Arnold:
You know what, Gerald?

[The sudden crash is heard]

Helga:
Not girl enough, humph, what a bunch of crap, I am too a girl, I'm pretty, I'm feminine, I'm delicate.

[Helga bumps into someone who's a man]

Man:
Oh, excuse me, young man.

Helga:
I'm a GIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL!

Cashier:
Yeah, um, how much is this magazine to make ugly girls look pretty?

Sid:
I just saw Helga on her way to Rhonda's party and she was all dolled up... LIKE A GIRL!

Helga:
You're right, Rhonda, I'm not like rest of you, I'm not wearing a mask, I mean, look at us, tin foil in our hair, glop on our faces, high-heeled shoes? Why are we wearing them? We're already taller than the boys!

[The sudden crash was heard.]

Rhonda:
Did you hear something?

[Kids scream]

Harold:
The horror, The horror!

Helga:
[to Harold] COME BACK HERE, YOU CHICKEN LOB/FLOP! [Girls evil laugh at Harold.]

Arnold:
No, you see, I told Grandma I’d help save the same building I told Ernie I’d help destroy!

Tommy:
[in an Italian New York accent] Hey, Maria, come over here!

Maria:
Hey vato, why don't you come over here?

Tommy:
Just come over here!

Maria:
Come over here!

Tommy:
Aw, forget you!

Maria:
Forget you!

Mickey Kaline:
[to Arnold] Y'know, kid, since I was seven years old the only thing I ever wanted to do was play baseball. I loved every minute of it. From the first time I played catch with my dad to the home run I hit this afternoon. And, well... thanks, kid.

Lana Vail:
Arnold... a little cold air. Is that so much to ask? Is it?

[Arnold sighs and walks into the kitchen, where most of the boarders are gathered around the air-con]

Grandma:
I can't stand it, Arnold. It's hotter than blazes! I'm a grandma with a husband, a young grandson, and a boarding house full of people to be responsible for.

Arnold:
[thinking] This heat is so crazy, it's got Grandma acting normal.

Ernie:
I'm telling you, one good shot with my wrecking ball, and we could get ourselves some grade-A cross ventilation going here!

Grandpa:
Nobody's knocking down any walls, you hotheaded loony! This thing's keeping us plenty cool enough.

[The air-con promptly breaks down]

Oskar:
Oh, great! What is this, a brownout or what?!

Ernie:
Could you do something?! I'm melting here!

Grandpa:
Now, now, everyone calm down. In these modern times, there's always a smart high-tech solution to problems like these... Arnold, run down to the store and get us some ice.

Eugene:
I'll take a snow cone.

Jolly Olly Man:
$18

Eugene:
All I have is seventy cents, what will that get me?

Jolly Olly Man:
[laughs] Nothing!

The Jolly Olly Man:
Haven't you ever heard of supply and demand?

Helga:
Well, I demand that you supply me with some ice cream, before I knock your teeth out!

Kids:
[repeatedly] No ice cream, no peace!

[the residents are moaning about the furnace breaking]

Grandpa:
You call this cold? You should have been here in the winter of 49!

Mr Hyunh:
I don't care, I was in Vietnam in 1949... plus I was not born yet!

Grandpa:
That's the problem with society today.

Arnold:
What, we got no work ethic?

Grandpa:
No, you got no play ethic!

Arnold:
[practicing] Hi Ruth. Hi Ruth. Hi Ruth.

[as they are about go into the Tunnel of Love]

Harold:
I don't want to go into the Tunnel of Love with you Rhonda!

Rhonda:
Oh I know you like me Harold! [as she grabs him in the ride and as they head off into the Tunnel of Love]

Harold:
I do not! HELP! LET ME GO! LET ME GOOOOOOO!

Helga:
Make way! Shove over, sister. Checks boy line This is perfect. A little maneuvering and I'll be riding a swan with Arnold while Ruth winds up with some dumb slob. Laughs Helga, you're a genius. Crashes into a girl Shove over, sister!

Gerald:
The list for a kid's perfect Saturday: watch every cartoon from Six AM 'til Dance Craze, while eating three bowls of sugar chunk cereal; ride your bike down the steepest hill in the neighborhood, and you all know which one that is; play catch with every kid in the park; and finally, go to the movies and sit through it three times!

Guy on TV:
Mutant robots from outer space, spitting bacteria that eat your face... TV melts

Grandpa:
Hmmm... looks like I got the 220 mixed up with the 660.

Arnold:
Brainy? What are you doing here?

Brainy:
Um. wheeze Something.

Arnold:
There is no haunted train.

Grandpa:
Well, now I didn’t say that.

Grandma:
Be as the frog in the pond, Arnold.

Arnold:
[Into a mirror] Hey! You talkin' to me? You... talkin' to me?

Grandpa Phil:
No, I didn't say anything.

Arnold:
Hey, leave those kids alone.

Mr. Hyunh:
How big was this punk?

Arnold:
Big.

Mr. Hyunh:
Big punk?

Arnold:
Big.

Mr. Hyunh:
Big huh?

Grandpa:
Oh, simmer down, you hot-headed loony!

Mugger:
Give me your purse, Granny!

Grandma:
He can have it. It's just a purse, you know.

[on a camping trip, Grandpa is showing Arnold and Gerald survival skills. Gerald is eating red berries. Arnold is eating green berries]

Grandpa:
Now remember, only do this under adult supervision. Red and sweet are good to eat, but I swear by this sonnet, green will make you vomit.

Arnold:
[swallows] I thought it was green and sweet are good to eat.

Grandpa:
No, I've been saying it all morning. Red and sweet. Red and sweet.

Arnold:
Excuse me a minute. [Arnold runs off screen and vomits]

Grandpa:
[sarcastically] You're vomiting, aren't you, Arnold?

Grandpa:
Everything in nature is beautiful. Unless it's ugly.

[On a hike through the woods]

Big Bob Pataki:
Ugh! Now the sun's going down. It's getting kind of cool up here. I think I should turn off this mis... [Turns knob and it explodes, sending Bob into a tree. Helga, Phoebe, Gerald, and Arnold ran up to Bob.]

Phoebe:
Are you okay, Mr. Pataki?

Big Bob Pataki:
Am I okay?! LOOK AT ME! The food's gone, my neck's burn, the mister doesn't work, and to top it all off — WE'RE LOST!

Helga:
Lost?! I thought you knew where we were!

Big Bob Pataki:
I've been lost ever since we saw those signs in Spanish.

[after the pathfinder breaks]

Big Bob Pataki:
Cheap piece of junk. I'll sell thousands of them.

Arnold:
[using his instincts] Camp, should be right... there! [the group cheers happily] But we've got to follow this path around because...

Big Bob:
Forget the path, kid! Camp's right there! [runs through the tall bushes alone and back into the camp cheering to himself]

Arnold:
I was just going to say, because that's poison ivy.

Gerald:
So I hear you got a package for that secret guy, Mr. Smith.

Arnold:
Yeah, and I alone have been shouldered with the weighty responsibility of it's safety.

Gerald:
Cool, let's open it.

Oskar:
But Suzie, where am I going to sleep?

[Suzie throws sleeping bag and teddy bear at Oskar]

Oskar:
Arnold, I can't believe how handsome you're getting, the way your body's growing to match the unusual shape of your head.

Oskar Kokoshka:
[about to bet Arnold's CD player during a poker game] Don't worry, Arnold, there's no way I can lose. [next frame] I can't believe I lost.

Oskar Kokoshka:
You keep the money.

Suzie Kokoshka:
What did you say?

Oskar Kokoshka:
You keep the money.

Suzie Kokoshka:
Oh, Oskar! That's the most beautiful thing you've ever said to me.

Oskar Kokoshka:
"You keep the money"?

Helga:
These snow boots are really boss!

Gerald:
[to Arnold] What you did, that's the real meaning of Christmas, man.

Helga:
Merry Christmas, Arnold.

[Mr. Bailey is leaving the government office for the night when Helga appears and hands him a pair of snow boots that were on his shopping list.]

Helga:
Here they are, pal: one pair of Nancy Spumoni snow boots! Now turn those lights back on! We've got a missing person to locate!

Mr. Bailey:
[Bewildered] Are you kidding? I'm going home. It's Christmas Eve, for crying out loud!

Helga:
Can't you see? It's not about snow boots, it's not about flashy, expensive presents or getting yours before the other guy gets his! It's about showing people you really care about them! And most of all, it's about a funny football-headed kid with a good heart but no sense of reality whose entire world view is at stake!

Mr. Bailey:
Look, kid. I appreciate your little holiday speech and all that, but it's late. And I'm going home, now.

[Mr. Bailey walks down the stairs and attempts to hail a taxi home.]

Helga:
For Pete's sake, are you that cold? Look into your heart. Now we've got a choice: either you and I work all night to find a certain lost daughter or you can leave now. But if you leave now, that little football-headed kid will never believe in miracles again.

Mai:
Ba...

[Mr. Hyunh turns in shock]

Mai:
Father?

Mr Hyunh:
Mai? I can't believe it! Mai, is it really you? Look at you. Everyone, this is Mai, my daughter!

Mai:
Hello, everyone.

Arnold:
Merry Christmas, Mr. Hyunh.

Coach Wittenberg:
Pass the ball to Tucker!

Coach Wittenberg:
Excellent pass to Tucker, Arnold — You don't even have to dribble, just pass it to Tucker!

Helga:
[to Harold being hit by a dodgeball] You're fine, Rudolph.

Gerald:
My buddy says Frankie G. is bad news.

Frankie:
See you tomorrow, Arnold.

Arnold:
See ya, Frankie.

Gerald:
There something I don't like about that Frankie G guy.

Arnold:
Well maybe you're just bummed cause there's actually someone around cooler than you for a change.

Frankie:
I said I like you, kid! You got potential!

Arnold:
You want my pencil?

Gerald:
Fuzzy Slippers tells no lies man.

Gerald:
Who'd you say was the coolest again?

Arnold:
You're a Bold kid, Gerald.

Gerald:
Wait a minute. That's my line.

Arnold:
We could take the crosstown bus.

Helga:
You mean that one?

[The bus goes right by them without stopping]

Harold:
Well, we could walk.

Helga:
WALK?! It'll take days! We'll freeze to death! We'll be eaten by pigeons, or worse... eaten by RATS! [shudders] I hate rats!

[about riding the subway]

Gerald:
Sun goes down, stay above ground.

Helga:
There is no way I'm taking the subway. [next frame] I can't believe I'm taking the subway.

Gerald:
The train stopped!

Helga:
No kidding, Einstein.

Grandma:
[on the stuck subway car] I'm the only ex-cop in this town brave enough to take on this job.

Hobo:
[Repeated line] GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Claustrophobic Woman:
[repeating over and over] Big open spaces.

Conductor:
[through PA system calmly] Passengers, it may just be a matter of minutes or hours [panicking] OR DAYS OR WEEKS [calmly] before the search and rescue team finds our [panicking] FORGOTTEN EXTRACTED SUBWAY CAR...

Grubby man:
Wait a minute! Wait a minute, everybody! I got something to say!

Helga:
We know. We know.

Everyone:
Get out of your house.

Grubby man:
No, no, not that. I got something else to say.

Harold:
[finding a jelly bean] Praise Thor the thunder god!

Arnold:
Brainy? What are you doing here?

Brainy:
Um... [wheezes] something.

[Vic and Morrie catch the kids in their store of forged pennies]

Vic Hey, you punks! What do you think you're doing?!

[Kids gasp]

Sid:
[screams] IT'S WHEEZIN' ED! And... AND SOME OTHER GUY!

Ms. Slovak:
You're 13 years old and you're still in fourth grade!

Ms. Slovak:
Torvald, what's 3×3?

Torvald:
Uh, 33?

Gerald:
[to Arnold] Do me a favor, Arnold, if he hits you, just lay down and stay down.

Torvald:
Look, Arnold, I got a C!

Timberly:
Hey, look! I'm Timberly the Pink Ranger!

Arnold:
Okay, Gerald, we're almost there. Now at times the things you see may confuse or even frighten you. But just remember, everyone is essentially harmless.

Gerald:
Arnold, relax. I've been here before. Besides, how weird can your house be?

Gerald:
[about Ernie] Man, he was creepy.

Arnold:
Ya, and he likes you.

Arnold:
[As Susie's throwing all her stuff into the hall] Stand by for pottery!

Arnold:
[practicing his spelling] Phlegm. P-H-L-E.....um......

Grandpa:
[walks in] G-M, Phlegm! When you get to be my age, that's a word you use a lot.

Emcee:
Your word is "qualm".

Bob:
[having seen everything] Qualm? She's heard that story a million times. She's got it. She's got it!

Helga:
Let's see. Qualm. Q-U-A-L...

[she suddenly notices her father rooting her on]

Bob:
You got it!

Helga:
[shrugs] X?

[BUZZER]

Bob:
WHAT?!

Emcee:
That is incorrect. Arnold is the new champion.

Stinky:
[About Pigeon Man] Does he bite?

Pigeon Man:
Some people are meant to be with people, and others, like me, are just different.

Pigeon Man:
Remember, Arnold, always wash your berries before you eat them. And fly towards the sun.

Helga:
To change the grades... or not to change the grades... that is the question....

Helga:
Stuck in her shadow, sweet revenge... stuck, revenge.... no contest Helga decides to redo Olga's grades

Olga:
[after getting a B plus] I can't believe. I— I've never even gotten an A-minus!

Helga:
Well, you know what they say. The older you get, the brain cells are the first to go.

Big Bob:
[about Olga] She can't be moping all day.

Miriam:
Yes she can... I do.

Helga:
[eating chocolates] One for Helga... none for Olga.

Arnold:
I don't know, Helga. I've always wanted to have a brother or a sister. I always thought those relationships were kinda special.

Helga:
Yeah, well, what do you know? Olga is evil. She's a pompous, overbearing, arrogant witch. Only, this time, I've got her beat.

Arnold:
Okay. Forget I mentioned it.

Helga:
[on Arnold's advice] If only I could be that kind... but I'm not, so that's that.

Helga:
[on her parents' concern for Olga] Even when she's out of the way, she still ruins everything for me. Helga slams door on Olga Ah, much better.

Helga:
[in fantasy sequence] What's it like to fly?

Arnold:
the Angel It's OK.

Helga:
[after telling the truth, and now it's back to the parents praising Olga and punishing Helga] Everything's back to normal, bucko.

Olga:
You must think I'm pretty lucky, all the attention I get from Mom and Dad. I have to be perfect all the time and perform like some kind of wind-up doll. I get really sick of it. You're lucky that they don't even notice you.

Helga:
Thanks.

Olga:
Hey, what are sisters for?

Helga:
I don't know.

Olga:
Tomorrow let's spend the day together, just you and me.

Arnold:
[to Abner at night] Y’know boy, you’re more fun than a hundred dogs put together.

Arnold:
[on Abner] Must be getting a drink out of the toilet again.

Grandma:
[the morning after Abner goes missing] Anyone for bacon?

Arnold:
[describing Abner to the dog catcher] And his tail is so curly when you pull it out it goes 'spoing'!

Gerald:
[on the missing pig] Well, did you try going down to the dump and yelling 'sooey'?

Pig Skins R Us crew:
[yelling at Abner] Come back here you football.

Grandpa:
Brilliant does pretty much describe me. He falls off chair.

Gerald:
[on Arnold's brilliant idea] Well, it's not working, and it's making me sick.

Ernie:
[overwhelmed at the end] It does kinda bring a tear to your eye.

Grandpa:
That's just the onions.

Arnold:
[drops the watch] NOOOOO!

Grandpa:
Hey, where you going?

Arnold:
To take a long, hard look at my life.

Grandpa:
Well, while you’re there, would you pick up a quart of milk?

Sewer King:
I don't even know what time it is.

Gerald:
Helga, baby, put your feet up. I’ll tell it.

Curly:
Because three months, two weeks and four days ago, Eugene borrowed my favorite pencil - the pencil I got last summer at Wankyland - and then, when he finally returned it, it had chew marks all over it! And he sharpened it down to the metal parts! I couldn't sleep! I couldn't eat! All I could think about was Eugene writing with my pencil, Eugene chewing on my eraser and Eugene sharpening, sharpening, SHARPENING! And then, when he finally gives it back to me, he says: 'Oh, here Curly.' Like it was NO BIG DEAL! Well, I couldn't just take that lying down. So I got this plan, see — the fire alarm, I pull it! And then I frame Eugene for the crime! All I had to do was plant the right clues the peanut butter the glasses and to top it all off, the pencil. Bingo, he would be branded for life! [laughs maniacally]

Curly:
[Dementedly] I did It! I pulled the fire alarm! And I'd do it again, too! See? [Laughs dementedly as we hear the fire bell ringing and Curly pulling the levers down]

Principal Wartz:
Stop that!

Phoebe:
What did you think TSP stood for?

Sid:
[With everyone looking at him] Uh... ten square pounds?

Arnold:
We broke the record for most attempts to get in the Book of World Records! They say we're the most determined neighborhood they've ever heard of.

[Harold got hit by a baseball]

Iggy:
Say something, Man.

Harold:
Goodnight, Mommy.

Harold:
Who taught me how to play ball? Your looney grandma?

Arnold:
Hey, Grandpa, I've got a problem.

Grandpa Phil]:
Shoot it at me, short man.

Arnold:
You see there's this big jerk who says.....

Grandpa:
— says he's gonna beat you up, eh?

Arnold:
Yeah.

Grandpa:
Gonna give you 24 hours to dangle, eh?

Arnold:
That's right!

Grandpa:
Wants to pound you flat and use your face for 2nd base, eh?

Arnold:
Yeah, yeah! What should I do?

Grandpa:
I have no idea. But there's one thing I do know, never eat raspberries. [Holds his stomach] Excuse me a sec.[Grandpa runs to the bathroom]

Helga Pataki:
Arnold? Hey Arnold, Twenty-four hours, fifteen minutes and thirteen seconds until you die!

Arnold:
I'M CRAZY, CRAZY! [evilly laughs]

DJ Nocturnal Ned:
It's 7:00 on KILL. This one goes out to Arnold, who's going to die in 2 hours, 6 minutes, and 47 seconds, from Helga who hates you.

Harold Berman:
Wow, you really are crazy. Wanna join our club?

Helga:
Boys are so stupid.