Homicide: Life on the Street, Season 4

Bayliss:
Man, I hate arson fires. There's never any evidence, no witnesses, nothing.

Pembleton:
Well, look at the upside.

Bayliss:
I don't see an upside.

Pembleton:
I'm the primary on this case. If we don't close it, Gee will cast his long, doleful, accusing glance in my direction, not yours.

Pembleton:
So, what's the cause of death?

Scheiner:
For an absolute certainty, I can't tell you.

Pembleton:
You can't tell us?

Scheiner:
Don't look at me that way; it happens.

Pembleton:
This may come as a shock to you, Kellerman, but I don't always like being right.

Kellerman:
What do you do for fun, Frank?

Pembleton:
Define "fun".

Kellerman:
Fun is when you do something exciting, maybe dangerous, with the possiblity that you're gonna feel really good before it's all over.

Pembleton:
Oh, you mean work.

Kellerman:
No, I don't mean work. I mean... sucking unfiltered Camels until you get headaches and snagging a 50-pound marlin on the line, and guzzling Wild Turkey until you puke, and running around the block all night and shooting pool for money against mentally defective bikers. Stuff like that.

Pembleton:
I don't have time for fun.

Kellerman:
Then what the hell gets you up in the morning? You gotta believe in something.

Pembleton:
Well, you can't believe in fun. That's not a faith.

Kellerman:
Fun is my god, Frank. I worship fun, I live for fun, and when I die, I hope that I'm having fun. Like that upstate car dealer, -- You remember him? He had a heart attack while nailing his beautiful, young mistress. Came and went. Now, that's the way to die.

Pembleton:
Smoke a cigarette, please.

Giardello:
I sent Bolander and Felton on that conference because I thought it'd be good for them. How was I to know that when they got there they'd turn into Dumb and Dumber?!

Kellerman:
There's no absolutes in life; only in vodka.

Giardello:
You found the whorehouse?

Bayliss:
On wheels.

Kellerman:
Sort of a good-humor truck for sex. Wonder if they ring a bell.

Giardello:
There are no real masterminds out there. Mostly we're dealing with people who think they are. If they think at all. Problem is, there's so many of them.

Kellerman:
I don't get it.

Giardello:
You don't hafta get it. You'll sleep better if you don't know. Give me the where, the what, the when - the why - is a thing we can live without. Homicide is the elite of the police force. There is no higher calling.

Munch:
Who lobbies for nothing?

Bayliss:
You do, Munch. Every day, in every way, you lobby for nothing.

Bayliss:
The doctor says I have a degenerative disc in my back.

Munch:
I had that.

Bayliss:
You did?

Munch:
Mm-hm.

Bayliss:
And it went away?

Munch:
Well, not that really. What I had was a degenerate disc.

Howard:
A degenerate disc, Munch?

Munch:
Yeah, see every time a pretty girl walked by, my neck would go like this, completely and involuntarily. It went away as I matured though.

Howard:
When did that happen? I must've missed that.

Lewis:
Lemme tell you one thing alright? You gotta do everything I say.

Kellerman:
Well, there's nothing I won't do; but some things are gonna cost you extra.

Kellerman:
You know, he shouldn't leave a department vehicle running like that.

Lewis:
Yeah, could get stolen.

Kellerman:
Lieutanant said take the first car in.

Lewis:
We shouldn't.

Kellerman:
You're right.

Lewis:
Grand theft auto, baby. [they drive off in the car, as Pembleton comes back out]

Pembleton:
You sons of bitches!

Bayliss:
And why does every question that is put to you have to end up like a discussion on Meet The Press? Just answer the damn question, "Como se fue su fin de semana?" How was your weekend, Frank?

Pembleton:
May I? It el suck-oed the big-o weiner-o. There, I'm bilingual.

Bayliss:
You are the ugly American.

Pembleton:
Don't get personal.

Bayliss:
Business or pleasure?

Pembleton:
One doesn't carry a beeper for pleasure.

Bayliss:
Hookers do.

Pembleton:
Prostitution is business; not pleasure.

Bayliss:
Yeah, I still don't get that.

Bayliss:
Wow, death is so weird. It's like, you just squeeze the trigger and kill a person with so little effort. What's that like, to be so empty of compassion, to take a life in your hands and just pop, pop, pop? No fear of hell, no fear of lethal injection. No fear at all.

Bayliss:
You're a killer, Newton.

Newton:
No, I'm a Presbyterian.

Pembleton:
Then why did you get into her car?

Bayliss:
You wanted us to catch you?

Newton:
Well, like they say in nursing homes all over the country, "Bingo!"

Pembleton:
Get out of my blood!!!

Bayliss:
So what would you do if someday your son comes home from school and says hey dad, meet Jason here, he's my new boyfriend, what would you do then?

Pembleton:
I don't know Tim. I don't like to guess about my reaction to some hypothical situation, but I'd like to think that if two Homicide Detectives come to my door, unlike Zeke Lafeld's father, I would not be relieved my child is dead.

Bayliss:
I'm not a homophobe.

Pembleton:
Okay.

Bayliss:
I'm not.

Pembleton:
You don't hafta repeat yourself. I'm your partner. I believe every word you say.

Lewis:
See, the thing is, we the Murder Poh-leece and we have but one given and that is that everybody is a liar. Me? See, I rely on [taps heart] the most sensitive machine there is. See, it knows when somebody is lumpy and when somebody is tellin' the truth. And this [taps head]...this is smart enough to trust what this [taps heart] can detect.

Pembleton:
And I broke the first rule of being a detective. I assumed that Zeke Lafeld was homosexual.

Bayliss:
Well, it's what people do, Frank. It's human nature.

Pembleton:
Yes, it is human nature to kill someone simply because their sexual orientation is different.

Bayliss:
People get afraid. Threatened.

Pembleton:
People? That's you and me, Tim. Grown-ups. Why is it that children don't care about such things?

Bayliss:
As adults we get socialized. We learn to behave.

Pembleton:
No, no, no. We learn to hate.

Lewis:
Iced tea keeps me in a summertime frame of mind.

Bayliss:
If wallets were meant to be carried in the front pocket, they'dve been made that way.

Pembleton:
They are.

Bayliss:
Says who?

Pembleton:
The info never gets around to you, does it?

Pembleton:
Younger brother gave up older brother; variations on a theme.

Howard:
If you were going to hide a body, where you bury it?

Munch:
In a cemetery.

Russert:
So, Mary's pregnant?

Bayliss:
Oh, no. I didn't say that.

Russert:
Frank is your partner and I'm a detective and you're a bad liar.

Munch:
Don't tell me you're watching soap operas again.

Bayliss:
It's what we have instead of a sex life, Munch. Leave us alone.

Pembleton:
What about you? How come you're so mu-si-cal this morning?

Munch:
Today's no different than any other day. I'm still the same miserable me.

Bayliss:
No, no. You were singing.

Munch:
Was I?

Bayliss and Pembleton:
Mmm-hmm.

Munch:
I didn't realize.

Munch:
If a murder is committed in Baltimore and no homicide detective takes the call, did that homicide actually occur?

Kellerman:
You and Howard. I'm telling you. It's love. Start picking out your china patterns.

Munch:
Whaddya got there Timmy? Something good? Percodan...Percocet, maybe?

Bayliss:
They're muscle relaxants and you can't have any.

Munch:
Nobody's willing to share their drugs anymore.

Brodie:
Giardello and Russert just showed up.

Howard:
Well, you know what that means, huh, buddy?

Munch:
Congratulations Timmy. It's a bouncing baby red-ball. Got any cigars?

Pembleton:
You one of those toilet intellectuals? You need a little something to read to keep you r-r-regular?

Pennsylvania Police Officer:
Regulations stipulate that a policewoman escort a female prisoner.

Lewis:
[motioning to Kellerman] Meet Det. Michelle Kellerman.

Kellerman:
Hi.

Pennsylvania Police Officer:
You're not a woman.

Kellerman:
But I used to be.

Munch:
Let me explain.

Howard:
No, let me explain. My personal life is off limits to the squad room, alright? I learned my lesson when I was dating Ed Danvers and you were the biggest sinner. Jokes, gossip....

Munch:
I can't disagree with you Kay. But that was the old me, the new me....

Howard:
Is worse. Look, Munch, I know you may find this hard to accept, but I believe in secrets. I believe that we have to have truths about ourselves that we keep from our collegues, our neighbors, our loved ones. I don't want any one person to know everything about me. I want you to have a few pieces of the puzzle, Gee, a few pieces, my sister, see?

Munch:
Kay, everyday all we do is ferret out secrets. It's our job.

Howard:
Not today, Munchkin.

Pembleton:
Why do people choose cloth seats? Look how they absorb stains. Leather's the way to go for precisely this reason.

Bayliss:
I agree.

Pembleton:
You want glory, go work at ER. Homicide's fine by me.

Landlord:
I should've never let MC talk me out of the cleaning deposit. Said he was anal retentive about dirt. I thought that was a good quality in a tenant.

Pembleton:
Law abiding is better.

Russert:
So you prefer quantity to quality.

Munch:
All junkies do.

Bayliss:
If your husband was sentenced to death, why would you kill yourself and orphan your son?

Pembleton:
Well Tim, you're the primary in this quickly deepening quagmire, I'll leave that question for you to answer.

Bayliss:
Thanks. Hope you get polyps.

Col. Rausch:
It's time for the mongrels of the world to stop taking advantage of the hard work and good faith most Americans have. You have a cancer, you cut it out. Because make no mistake about it gentlemen, these people are a cancer and they will drag us down with them. You sleep easier at night because of me, and you don't even know it.

Pembleton:
Let me tell you what's gonna happen. Because you are mine now. I'm gonna put you on display. You and I are gonna be on tv, radio, for months and months and months. So others can see how much they like you and what you stand for, even if they don't know it yet. You will not make me a martyr because I'm an African American. You will be my martyr.

Col. Rausch:
Haven't you any appreciation for what I've done? Even on an intellectual level? Because let me tell you something, my serious friend, the power of the vote is a romantic anachronism.

Pembleton:
No, my friend. You are.

Kincaid:
How's Rausch?

Pembleton:
Doc checked him and he's fine. And in his cell where he's gonna stay.

Kincaid:
You're that confident that you'll win?

Pembleton:
I'm sure of it. I bribed the judge. I told her Bayliss would have sex with her for a favorable ruling.

Kincaid:
You two-timing pig.

Bayliss:
Well, she was naked underneath those black robes.

Lewis:
Hey, look. It's Mr. Sunshine!

Pembleton:
Oh, no, no, no. I'm tired of being the only one around here who gives a damn. You're looking at the new Frank Pembleton. Budding Republican and practicing selfish bastard. Savior of no one but himself. Shot of Gold Natty Bo. This is the new me!

Russert:
One day you're gonna run for office and rue those words.

Bayliss:
You always do this to me, nobody else, just me. Just your partner.

Pembleton:
You ordered...a meatball hero?

Bayliss:
Grilled cheese.

Pembleton:
Oh, that's it.

Bayliss:
That's what? What's wrong with a grilled cheese sandwich?

Pembleton:
It's so... you know... white boy.

Bayliss:
White boy?

Pembleton:
Yeah, it's such a non-statement. White bread, American cheese, you know?

Bayliss:
This isn't about the sandwich Frank, this is about you and me.

Pembleton:
No, it's the sandwich.

Bayliss:
You know, you're starting to display passive-agressive tendencies. You're trying to tell me something by not bringing me lunch.

Pembleton:
No. It's the sandwich.

Bayliss:
Gimme my money back. I want my money back.

Pembleton:
You have to wait for change.

Pembleton:
Where's your mustache?

Brodie:
Oh, I'm trying a new look right now.

Pembleton:
Well, stop trying.

Pembleton:
It was a grilled cheese. Get a grip.

Bayliss:
I can't stop seeing her face. Adena Watson's face in the rain. Wounds on her body. She was so tiny. I try not to care, but if I do that, if I actually stop caring, then I stop being who I am. No job's worth that.

Bayliss:
Those guys are like a family. I have never, ever felt that in Homicide. We may be the best, the elite, but we are not a family.

Pembleton:
Yes we are. But we're like a real family. Opinionated, argumentative, holding grudges, challenging each other. We push each other to be better than we are. That kind of thing doesn't happen at barbecues or ball games. It happens on the job where it's supposed to. Putting down a murder. The work itself is the most important thing. What we do is important. We speak for those who can no longer speak for themselves and you're not gonna ever find anything like that anywhere, not in LA, or patrolling the grounds at Disneyland.

Bayliss:
Frank, I work with you, not for you.

Pembleton:
Excuse me?

Bayliss:
You never say please, you never say thank you.

Pembleton:
Please don't be an idiot. Thank you.

Kellerman:
You don't think much of me, do you?

Munch:
Actually, I have no opinion of you one way or another. You have yet to appear on my radar screen.

Giardello:
You've been yelling a lot lately. At the drop of a hat, you start screaming.

Pembleton:
Why would I yell if someone dropped their hat?

Bayliss:
This isn't about me, Frank. It's about Adena. It's about avenging Adena Watson's murder.

Pembleton:
No. It's about you. It's always been about you. Do you think I don't know you?

Bayliss:
Don't you see, Frank? The killer beat me. He beat me. Dooley, Tucker, whoever he is, he beat me. It was my first case Frank, my first case. I hadn't even started to be a Homicide Detective yet, and he beat me. I put everything I had into that case and it wasn't enough. I let myself care about this case and if he walks out of here, it'll all have been for nothing. It's all over.

Pembleton:
Why are you wearing that carnation?

Bayliss:
I have been wearing this for 2 days and you're just asking about it now?

Pembleton:
I've had other things on my mind. So what's it for?

Bayliss:
To hide the smell... To hide the smell of death.

Pembleton:
To hide the smell of death?

Bayliss:
Yeah, you got a problem with that?

Pembleton:
No, no problem.

Bayliss:
I didn't avenge Adena Watson's death. Now I never will. Never gonna know who killed her. I let her down, Gee.

Giardello:
You're gonna hafta make your peace with that.

Bayliss:
Let me ask you something, Gee. How do you know when to stop caring?

Giardello:
I've been a cop a long time. I can tell you how to sweet talk a confession out of a stone cold killer, sidestep the politics of me and the bosses. I can tell you how to work a case until there's nothing left to be done but to file the paperwork. But the one thing I can't tell you, is when to stop caring.

Kellerman:
You know, she is pretty hot.

Munch:
Kay?

Kellerman:
Yeah. I think it's the hair.

Munch:
I don't wanna think about her hair. She's one of us. She's a detective.

Kellerman:
She's a woman. You work around a woman all day, you notice her. It's human nature.

Munch:
She's a sergeant for God's sake.

Muslim:
[referring to Kellerman] How can you work with him?

Lewis:
What? Who, him?

Muslim:
He hates us; why do his bidding?

Lewis:
Nah, he hates you. And most of the time, he does my bidding.

Munch:
I got a call. Special guest at the Waterfront tonight. Wanna guess? The Big Man's coming back. Gonna need a lot of extra light beer tonight. . .

Bayliss:
Oh, yeah!

Munch:
Cuz you know who's coming back?

Pembleton:
The Big Man!!

Kellerman:
Why is Bolander called the Big Man? He fat?

Munch:
Granted, Stanley Bolander is far from svelte, but it's not mere bulk which has earned the Big Man his title. He has what some might call a Brogdignagian build. He is in all senses a man of magnitude. Enormously fair, tremendously honest, and a whale of a detective.

Pembleton:
Imagine Scheiner in a swimsuit.

Scheiner:
I heard that.

Bayliss:
You'll always be a beautiful swimmer to me, Dr. Scheiner.

Pembleton:
Don't touch that door. That's my door. Now you've pissed me off. You and I? We're never gonna be friends.

Kellerman:
All this overtime; I'll never get schtupped.

Kellerman:
[before meeting with Gee] Any advice?

Lewis:
Yeah, he tends to spit when he yells. Just step back.

Bayliss:
Well, well, well, Kellerman. Up until now, you've had a who-dun-it here, a dunker there, but now, now it looks like you're finally gonna pop the big-time detective cherry.

Pembleton:
My advice to you is that you work this case alone so that if you put this case down, it doesn't look like we helped bail you out or something.

Giardello:
It's pretty, isn't it? The way the board just stands there. A silent sentry to the dead and gone. I love the way the red and black meld together in harmony. A haiku of color and vengeance. Uh-oh. Look here. You're upsetting the balance. You see, Mike, you need just a little red. This is too much. I'd do something about that. Maybe some more black. Keep me smiling Kellerman.

Pembleton:
In this corner, representing the pride of the Baltimore Police Department - Michael "I can take a whuppin" Kellerman!!

Munch:
What if it's a trick on a grand scale, like an epic trick? Huh?

Russert:
That's really paranoid Munch.

Munch:
Thank you.

Russert:
Frank, how are the flowers coming?

Pembleton:
What?

Russert:
Flowers, flowers.

Pembleton:
The lilies have landed.

Grandma:
Isn't it a lovely wedding?

Russert:
Yes, it is. I'm Megan Russert and this is John Munch.

Grandma:
Munch? Oh, you're the one who took too many drugs and damaged his brain. I'm so sorry.

Pembleton:
Okay, here's the deal; I'm gonna take Mary home right now, and then I'm gonna find Lewis. And when I find him, I'm gonna kill him. I'm a very clever detective, and I will kill him in such a way, I will not be caught; he will simply disappear, and like all sphincters before him...he will not be missed.

Munch:
How could anybody be too old for 101 Dalmatians? It's universal; It's like Homer: a great journey of the heart disguised as an adventure story.

Brodie:
With dogs.

Bayliss:
Can I come?

Pembleton:
Come where?

Bayliss:
See the baby.

Pembleton:
You've seen the baby.

Bayliss:
I know, but I love babies.

Pembleton:
Then have one of your own.

Bayliss:
Hey Frank, remember when I said that I've never been invited to your house. I wanna come to your house, Frank.

Pembleton:
No, not tonight.

Bayliss:
I'll call your wife. Your wife will let me come over. Your wife likes me.

Pembleton:
God knows why.

Bayliss:
I'll meet you in the garage.

Pembleton:
Oh, happy day.

Bayliss:
Yeah, see when I saw that, I knew she would love it.

Pembleton:
She's two weeks old, Bayliss. She doesn't know what she loves.

Bayliss:
Sure, she does. Hey, Olivia, you like uncle Timmy, don't you? Yeah?

Pembleton:
Uncle Timmy?

Bayliss:
What?

Pembleton:
Talking to babies in that goo-goo voice, like they're understanding. I hate that. I hate it.

Bayliss:
Geez, Frank. What must you think when you look into this crib and see that face?

Pembleton:
I see - Mary and me, struggling with two salaries to make sure Olivia goes to college. I see - me going ballistic because she comes in after curfew. I see - a guy, just like you, coming to my front door, saying I'm gonna marry your daughter.

Kellerman:
C'mon Meldrick. Stay on the boat tonight.

Lewis:
I love you man, but I'm not in love with you.

Bayliss:
I am good Murder Police aren't I, Gee?

Giardello:
Yes, of course.

Bayliss:
I'm standing here thinkin' about Frank, about everything I've learned from him, the past four years.

Giardello:
His technique in the box?

Bayliss:
Yeah, but it's more than that. You know, I've finally got to a place where I understand how he thinks. See, when I find a suspect, I like to get in their brain, and figure out why they would wanna take another person's life. Why? But Frank, well, Frank, all he sees is a dead body. Doesn't matter to him who they were, what they did. He strips away their personality, he makes them all equal in death, because if they have been murdered, they must be avenged. Forward, without any hesitation, without any moral dilemma, his mind's so clear on that Gee, his mind. I just don't know if I'm gonna be as good a detective as I am without Frank.

Russert:
Sometimes, the best way to lead is to follow.

Munch:
A bar is like the Box. People instinctively want to confess.

Howard:
[laughing] I got nothing to confess... I'm not guilty of anything. I'm trying to do my new job as well as I can... [sighs loudly] I try be helpful...People think I'm overbearing, condescending. You were right not to take that exam...It's not so much that I got in Lewis' way... I got in my own way, you know? How could I do that? Work, home... oh my god, listen to me, I am confessing. [sips on her gin fizz drink, embarrassed] This is delicious!

Munch:
Want to dance?

Howard:
[laughs loudly] No!

Munch:
[laughs] Yes! No one'll see, there's no one conscious here! A few smooth steps on the floor... [Munch turns on the jukebox] Have a little fun.

Howard:
...No.

Munch:
C'mon Kay, let's dance.

Howard:
No... [laughs again]

Munch:
I'll let you lead, alright? C'mon.

Howard:
...Let me lead, alright? You're easy to follow.

[Kay laughs while she dances with Munch]

Russert:
What amount of stress could make anybody just go out and start shooting at people?

Bayliss:
See that's the thing, he's not feeling any stress.

Russert:
How can you tell?

Bayliss:
Being a marksman is all about precision.

Howard:
Munch, let's go!

Munch:
I've got things to do.

Howard:
I'm not asking you out on a date, John, come on!

Munch:
You're the sarge, sarge.

Munch:
I'm not worried about the sniper getting me. One bullet in my noggin, that's it, it's over, I'm fine with that, but I will NOT stand by and watch you get shot again.

Howard:
What're you talking about, John?

Munch:
Do you think I could ever forget you and Stan and Beau getting shot? And all I could say to Gee was 'they messed up my shoes with their blood'. I was in such shock from seeing your blood everywhere, I couldn't do anything.

Howard:
Alright, John.

Munch:
It's not alright!

Mary Pembleton:
It's alright for you to be scared for me but it's not alright for me to be scared for you? What do you think I feel every day seeing you go out?

Pembleton:
This is different!

Mary Pembleton:
No it isn't, you always tell me 'it's the job', 'it's the job', well you know what, Frank? This is MY job. And I'm not leaving until it's done.

Pembleton:
It wasn't your job to save Mariner's life. Why does his death bother you?

Bayliss:
I was the primary, Frank!

Pembleton:
YOU DID YOUR JOB! Nine names in red turned into nine names in black and if Mariner wasted himself, so what?

Bayliss:
Wait a second, YOU are always telling me how you see ALL lives as being as important.

Pembleton:
Yeah well if I was God, I'd have a hard time taking Mariner's death, and the deaths of nine innocent people and weighing them the same.

Lewis:
[after finding a jar of yellowish water in a freezer] Does this look strange to you?

Kellerman:
Nah, just good old Baltimore City tap water.

Lewis:
[shaking his head] Nah.

Munch:
Well, this gets to Internal, I've got a secret for them too.

Kellerman:
You'd give me up?

Munch:
On a platter, with an apple stuffed in your mouth.