Invader Zim, Season 2

Mall Santa:
And what do you want for Christmas little boy or girl?

GIR:
I wants me a barrel of floss, I wants me two balls of glue...to be my friends! And I wants to go dancin' naked! And I wants...

[Time passes; Santa looks extremely annoyed]

GIR:
...and a chair made of cheese, and a table made of cheese, and a...

Mall Santa:
Ugh! No more! Get this kid away from me!

Zim:
Oh, that's Mini-Moose, my other sidekick. Yep, been with me the whole time.

Young Prof. Membrane:
Oh, boy! I asked Santa for twelve cases of Uranium 238. Yay!

[Prof. Membrane opens a present. Tube socks shoot out from the present and fill the room]

Young Prof. Membrane:
Nooo! Santa has let me down! I will turn my back on him and devote a portion of my life to destroying Santa! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Zim's Robot Elves:
[singing] Bow down, bow down, before the power of Santa or be crushed, be crushed, by... his jolly boots of doom!

GIR:
[singing] We wish you a merry jingly, we wish you a merry jingly, we wish youuuuuuo!!

Zim:
Minimoose!

Minimoose:
[squeaks]

Zim:
How much have we collected?

Minimoose:
[squeaks and shows donation box with a few coins, a sandwich, and a heart]

Zim:
[smells sandwich] Tunnna? Tuna is worth NOTHIIIING!!

Zim:
My Tallest! My Tallest! Hey, my Tallest! My Tallest! My-- M-m-my Tallest! My Ta-a-alli-i-ist! Hey! Hey! Hey, over here, my Tallest! My Tallest? My Talleeeeeest! My Tallest! My Tallest! Hey! My Tallest, my Tallest, my Tallest! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! My Tallest! My Tallest! My Ta-a-a-alleeeest! My Talleeeeeest! My Tallest? Hey! My TALLEEEEEEST! MY TALLEEEEEEEEEST!!! MY TALLEEEEEEEEEST!!! MY TALLEEEEEEEEEST!!! MY TA-A-A-A-A-ALLE-E-E-E-E-EST!!! Hey! Hey! My Tallest? Uh, hey! My Tall--? HEY, MY TALLEST! IT'S ME! LOOK AT ME! MY TALLEST? MY TALLEST! MY TALLEST?

Tallest Red:
... I was curious to see when you'd shut up on your own. But it's been three hours now, Zim! THREE HOURS!!! So... what is it?

Zim:
I just noticed that you're travelling closer to the Earth than EVER before!

Tallest Purple:
How do you know that?

Zim:
Oh, I know all kinds of things about you. Pretty creepy, huh? Anyhow, I was...

Tallest Purple:
Hey! That is creepy! You're creepy, Zim.

Zim:
[chuckles] Yes, I sure am. Anyhow, since you're so nearby, you could come see me initiate my newest, most DIABOLICAL PLAN TO DESTROY THE HUMANS!!! I made sandwiches! They've got little flags in them!

Zim:
The Tallest fail to realize that I'm inviting them for front row seats for the end of all mankind. My latest plan-

Zim's Computer:
The latest plan is about to explode.

Zim:
GIR!

[A turkey sitting next to Zim explodes, revealing GIR]

GIR:
It's ME! I was the turkey all along!

Zim:
I was wondering what that turkey was doing there. GIR! I'm delaying the brain parasite plan for now. I want you to-

GIR:
I was the turkey! Me!

Zim:
Yes...so you were...

Zim:
Go home and shave your giant head of smell with your bad self!

Dib:
O...kay, there's all kinds of things wrong with what you just said.

Lard Nar:
That's The Massive out there. My people designed most of that thing, so I know how powerful it is... We're gonna die!! Whose idea was this?!?

Spleenk:
Uh, mine. Sorry about that...

Tallest Red:
Identify yourself.

Lardy Nar:
[disguised deep voice] We are the Resisty! And we have come to-

Tallest Purple:
Whoa, whoa whoa. Did you say the Resisty?

Lardy Nar:
Yes the Resisty! And we have come to-

Tallest Purple:
That's a stupid name.

Lardy Nar:
[regular voice] See! I told you it was stupid! Why do I keep listening to yours?

Spleenk:
I don't know.

Zim:
NOW PREPARE YOURSELF DIB, AS I BRING OUR ROYAL AUDIENCE TO THE DESTRUCTION OF MANKIND!!!!

Dib:
[hiding on shelf with rake} but I don't wanna watch that....

Zim:
Oh, okay then... WAIT! THAT'S TOO BAD!!!

Zim:
GIR! Another mutant biting thing!

GIR:
Yes, my vermin lord!

[Dib and Zim are on opposite sides of the road]

Dib:
Zim!

Zim:
What?!?

Dib:
Zim!

Zim:
What?!?

Dib:
Zim!

Zim:
What?!?

Dib:
[screaming] You won't get away with it!!

Zim:
[struggling to hear Dib] ...that's very nice of you.

Dib:
No! Your plan, I'm going to stop you! I got a secret weapon!

Zim:
Where is it?

Dib:
Around...

Zim:
Can it protect you from ... T-T-T-T-THIS?! [GIR opens up the top of his puppy suit]

GIR:
SAMMICH! [his head opens and a sandwich flies out, hitting Dib and knocking him against the wall]

[Zim laughs maniacally as the two begin to walk off]

GIR:
I had a sammich in my head!

Dib:
Laugh now, space monster! But my weapon is so powerful, it... buys rubber pants!

Mortos:
[finishing his soda] Ah, Refreshing! Mortos grant wish now! [to Dib] What you want again? Hello?

[Dib, busily wrestling Zim, doesn't hear Mortos. Da' Cone walks by Mortos]

Da' Cone:
Wee-hoo! I wish I had me some ice cream!

Mortos:
Your wish is granted!

[Mortos summons a demon ice cream man that hands the pedestrian an ice cream cone]

Da' Cone:
Well whaddya know? [takes a lick] Ew, raisin.

[He throws the ice cream to the ground]

Dib:
Noooo!

Mortos:
Mortos so weak... I need to go return now…

Dib:
Nooo! Mortos, you still owe me!

Mortos:
Maybe next time you not be so cheap with Mortos. See you in a thousand years!

GIR:
PUPPY!! [licks the window]

Zim:
No, GIR! You can eat later! [pulls GIR away from the window]

Dib:
Zim! I don't know what your plan is, but I'm going to stop you!

Zim:
I am infecting the city with genetically mutated vermin, but you'll never know!

Dib:
You just told me.

Zim:
... YOU'RE LYING!!!!

[While Dib watches the scene using a spy camera installed into Zim's house]

GIR:
Guess who made waffles!

Zim:
I'm not going to eat-

GIR:
[screams]

Zim:
Enough! I shall try some already! [takes a bite] Well, they don't seem to be making me sick. You know, I think this will be a good way to build a tolerance to the human's filthy food! Okay, GIR. I will try-

GIR:
Hehehehehehe! [runs to get more waffles]

Zim:
And as soon as I'm done with these waffles, I will discuss my evil plan!

[Zim is reading a newspaper while he is being watched by Dib]

Zim:
Hey look, they're gonna start making artificial beavers.

Dib:
He's after our beaver technology! Is this his next evil plan?

Zim:
Well, time to work on my next evil plan...

Dib:
Talk about perfect timing!

Greg:
Thanks for calling the FBI, my name is Greg, how may I help you?

Dib:
I have an emergency! There's a kid who's-

Greg:
[laughing] Hey, wait. You're... Dib, right? Did you ever get that ninja ghost out of your toilet?

Dib:
Yes, no thanks to you!

Zim:
Hey, do you know who came by today?

GIR:
Hm?

Zim:
That ugly neighbor lady. She was wearing this horrible...

[An evil looking squid pokes his head into the kitchen. Zim looks and it quickly leaves]

Zim:
Huh?

[The squid leaps onto Zim's head and thrashes him about]

Zim:
Oh mighty dung! The giant flesh-eating demon squid has escaped!

Zim:
Hey. These aren't bad. What's in 'em?

GIR:
There's waffle in 'em!

Zim:
[screaming] YOU'RE LYING!!!!!

Zim:
Gir, your waffles have sickened me! Fetch me the bucket!

Gir:
*Squeals*

Dib:
NOOOOO! The plan! *shakes computer* WHAT WAS THE PLAN?!

Zim:
*Makes retching sound as Dib looks sick*

Zim:
The Dib- the Dib! I don't care how delicious he is, he's evil! Now they'll find the base! There's only one thing to do!

GIR:
You gonna make biscuits?! You gonna make biscuits?! You gonna make biscuits?! You gonna make biscuits?!

Zim:
No, GIR. Never. I never want you to mention biscuits ever again.

[GIR gets a shocked expression]

GIR:
[running around the house and Zim's base] We're on TV! We're on TV! We're on TV!

Zim's Computer:
There's someone at the door.

Zim:
Oh, what is it? I have not the patience for- AAAAAH! Girl with cookies! Girl with cookies!

Moofy:
Wanna buy some chocolate star COOKIES?!? MISTER?!? HUH?!?

Giant Cookie Seller Girl:
[to Dib] Hey! This is ham! You can't pay for cookies with ham!

Dib:
Why was there ham in my pocket?

Prof. Membrane:
[on a video monitor] Kids, I'm glad we could have this dinnertime recording together. Now, Gaz, if you could just put that can of beans in the proton oven! Be sure to take them out of the can or the explosion will destroy all human life!

[Gaz puts the unopened can in the proton oven, but the power goes out]

Gaz:
Dib!

Dib:
Sorry, Gaz! Just doing a few adjustments on Tak's ship!

[The power comes back on. Gaz adds two more cans then starts the oven. The bottom blows off in a small explosion]

Gaz:
That didn't wipe out all life as we know it?!? You lied to me, Dad!

Gaz:
Hey, you're getting pieces of wall in the food!

GIR:
I LIKE CORN! I do.

Coach. Walrus:
I have shown you the horrors of war...the devastation of famine...pictures of my birth! But I don't think you comprehend what awaits you in adult life. To better prepare you for the inevitable character building horrors, we will now play bludgeon-ball! It's fun!

Randome kid:
Whoa,check out his eyeball

Dib:
The eyeball of and alien invader!

Zim:
LIES!LIES!Have you not heard of pinkeye?!? It is a normal human illness.

Zita:
Yeah,Pinky got it really bad last week.

Dib:
[surprised] You...you believe me? Wait a minute, you were in some hideous government experiment where they hit you in the head with car doors right?

Dwicky:
[looking at a picture of himself tied up in an alligator's mouth] Ha ha, almost, but no! I really do believe you!

Teacher:
Dwicky! Do you really believe in aliens?!?

Dwicky:
[laughs] Not anymore! All the child-like wonder was ripped from my heart the day my foot got stuck in an escalator and aliens didn't come rescue me! No, I'll just humor Dib until he tells me what the real problem is.

Teacher:
[spazzes out] AGH! That's...psycho-technical talk!! [falls to the floor]

Dwicky:
Indeed it is.

Dib:
Zim! We meet again!

Zim:
...I just saw you three hours ago.

Dwicky:
A real space ship. Space ship! And you actually fly through the stars seeing all the universe?

Mooshy:
Well, flying through the stars would be pretty STUPID, man! But yeah, we fly around. You want to come along?

Dwicky:
Wow! Do I?!?

[Zim stuffs a globe into a goldfish bowl, goldfish is crushed against side of bowl]

Zim:
Now do you understand my latest and most brilliant plan for earth conquest, GIR?

GIR:
I'm gonna eat that fish.

Zim:
No, GIR. The fish is part of the plan.

Administration Droid:
Do not be alarmed. The student president has experienced a failure in spirit. A new election will be held immediately. Volunteers? Volunteer?

Zim:
Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! Pick Zim! Zim is me! Zim is me! Zim shall rule! Pick Zim! Zim! Me! I am Zim!

Administration Droid:
Zim. Analysis: moron. Suitable. Candidate 2 needed. Volunteers?

Dib:
But Zim's criminally insane! That's not good!

Administration Droid:
Dib. Analysis: annoying.

[The droid slams a muzzle around Dib's head]

Zim:
Egggh,lies

Ms. Bitters:
The candidates will now speak. And then be quiet! And then I go away from you all.

Zim:
As president, I will assure that all mankind has its legs sawed off!

[silence]

Zim:
[nervously] And, uh, replaced with legs of pure gold!

[The students smile approvingly]

Zim:
Yes! And I will grant you the power to fire lasers from your heads!

The Letter M:
I like gold!

Morla:
I like my head!

Ms. Bitters:
Candidate 2, be quick! I can only survive so long in the sun.

Zim:
Vote for Zim or I'll destroy you! Vote for Zim or I'll destroy you!

Dib:
Ms. Bitters! Zim is threatening the voters! He's disqualified, right?

Ms. Bitters:
[to an administration droid] The child shrieks like a fruit bat.

[The droid slams another muzzle around Dib's head]

Zim:
If I am elected, Dib's head will be removed and filled with salted nuts!

[GIR flies over the crowd]

GIR:
Salted nuts!

[Dib casts a spell on Gaz without knowing what it does. The spell wakes Gaz up]

Gaz:
If there's one thing you should know by now, it's to stay out of my room!

Dib:
Do you feel different anyway?

Gaz:
Get out!

Dib:
X-ray vision, maybe? Super-smell?

Gaz:
That's it, Dib! Security!

[Gaz's stuffed animals transform into robots with weapons. They advance on Dib who runs away screaming]

Zim:
[after laughing for some while] That's a good one! "Help you!" Why should I help you?

Dib:
Hey! I helped you when we were transforming into giant bolognes!

Zim:
YOU'RE MAKING IT UP!!!!!

[Gaz is in an isolation chamber after the spell Dib casts on her goes wrong. Dib is visiting her]

Gaz:
I'll make you wish you had rabid weasels teleported into your skull instead of having a sister! I'll wait until you sleep and stuff all your paranormal junk into your big, giant paranormal head and chew on your eyeballs after I pluck them out!

(Dib runs screaming from the room)

Zim:
I sure like TV! And wearing pants!

Poonchy:
He likes wearing pants, Dib! Aliens don't like wearing pants!

Zim:
Fool! My fellow hideous inferior human pig smellies are insulted by this constant slander!

[Zim collapse from exhaustion and lands face down in a bucket of water]

Sizz-Lorr:
Break's over, Zim! Go man the register!

Zim:
Whuh?

Sizz-Lorr:
The register! Gashloog is taking his break! Now move it!!

[Gashloog takes off his apron and skips gleefully out the door]

Zim:
Gashloog gets to take a break without exploding! Why not me?

Sizz-Lorr:
Because I hired him! You're here as punishment for almost annihilating our civilization!

Zim:
Am I the only one who is impressed by that?

[GIR is talking to the Tallest via a video communicator]

GIR:
...and then my master flew to the moon on a rocket of flamin' cheese! I like cheese!

[Dib shoves GIR out of the way]

Dib:
Can I ask you something? What are your species' main weaknesses? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Tallest Purple:
Who's that large-headed kid?

Tallest Red:
I don't know, but his head is large.

Dib:
[clears throat] Excuse me, alien scum? Gimme your planet's coordinates!

Eric the Blob:
Hey little Sizzly. You look sadder than me.

Zim:
It's this job, I hate it! And I can't leave or the security system will make me explode.

Alien Kid:
He gonna 'splode, momma!

Zim:
That horrible child.

Zim:
[to alien] But I need to get back to my mission! My precious MISSION! What about them, huh? Gimme some of those! [snatches alien's fries]

Zim:
So, I say, "You want some of this?" And she says, she says, right back at me, she says-

Alien:
Who are you, and why are you talking to me?

Zim:
Sizzlor!

Sizzlor:
WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?

Zim:
My apologies, My FRYLORD, but I have to return to my mission before it's too late. The Foodening is only a week away!

Sizzlor:
NEVER! Now put on this Happy Shloogorg costume and fill the customers with joy! [throws Zim a mascot costume]

Zim:
But it's filled with white hot grease.

Sizzlor:
Makes you dance better.

Kid:
I don't get it! Why does he want to take over the Earth so badly? What does he have to gain, or to lose? And the mechanizations of this malfunctioning Santa suit completely elude me!

Snowman:
[Stares at the kid, then picks him up by the head and places him under the bed] As I was saying...

Zim:
Is that Irken equipment you're using? That's Tak's ship you're sitting in, isn't it?

Dib:
Yes it is, Zim. It fell from the...

Zim:
Isn't it!?

Dib:
I SAID IT WAS! Man, you have a problem with listening, Zim.

Zim:
ISN'T IT!?!?

Robodad:
That's bad manners, son! I guess we haven't taught you well enough! We don't spend enough quality time together. [hugs Zim's head; grunts] TIME TO LEARN YOU A LESSON! [grabs Zim by the head and lifts him up, striking a pose]

Robomom:
Awww... Let me get the camera!

Robodad:
[breaking the door open and sticks his head through] Come on, son! Let's go PLAY in the TOILET!

Tak's ship:
Security defense systems activated! Intruder detected. Get your filthy alien meat out of the cockpit.

Dib:
What the…?! Tak?!

Tak's ship:
Almost. I'm Tak's downloaded personality interface and it seems you've stolen me.

Dib:
[yells as he is tossed out of the ship] No! The Massive's almost here! You gotta let me in!

Dib:
Um, ancient traveler? Are you Mortos Der Soulstealer?

Mortos:
Huh? YES! I AM MORTOS DER SOULSTEALER! Every thousand years when Ta'un aligns with Chakunga, I escape from the place beneath the Overworld to walk among mortals for one day. Important plot point this is. Men hide behind furniture. Women spit loogies of terror. Animals void their bowels at the sight OF MORTOS DER SOULSTEALSER! [laughs maniacally until he starts coughing.]

Dib:
[wipes away drool that landed on him] Okay, great!

Dib:
Hold it! [takes out pamphlet] According to the ancient pamphlet, you must grant at least one mortal a wish before you can return to the spooky realm.

Mortos:
[snatches up pamphlet] Pamphlet stupid! [drops pamphlet on the ground, then stomps on it with his foot, then starts pounding it with his fist.] Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! [Stops pounding and then gets up again] Okay, but power's very weak from thousand year in place beneath the Overworld.

Dib:
Well, how do we fix that?

[scene cuts to them later at a MacMeatey's]

Mortos:
Two quarter porkeys with cheese, one McGrease, no cheese, Meaty McMeatMeatMeat with cheese, and an Appely Pie with meat. [The food is served to Mortos, then Mortos scarfs it down.]

Dib:
Mortos, is this really how you recharge your unearthly powers?

Mortos:
YES! SINCE BEFORE TIME BEGAAAAAAAAANNNNN! [Cashier starts gesturing, asking for money.] Mortos not carry cash.

Dib:
Oh. [reaches into his pocket] Okay.

Dib:
You ditched me!

Mortos:
Yes. Mortos ditch you. And Mortos sorry. But many years ago, Mortos trust little boy like you. Little boy named Floochie. Who sang songs to Mortos. That little boy break Mortos' heart... Now, dark energy of universe Mortos' only friend...

Dib:
I'm sorry.

Mortos:
And Darlene here...

Darlene:
Hi!

Dib:
Guh! I can't believe I almost bought that sob story! Mortos, you're no mighty master of spooky powers like the pamphlet said! You're just a... a big mooch!

Mortos:
You call Mortos mooch?

Dib:
Yes, a mooch!

Mortos:
MOOCH!

Dib:
That's right!

Mortos:
Mooch, mooch, mooch, mooch, mooch, MOOCH! You want see power? I show you power!

[Dib is following GIR into ZIM's home in a cloaking device. GIR eventually finds him and throws "Poop" at him. Dib becomes visible]

Dib:
I was...

GIR:
INTRUDER!

[eats a cookie]

GIR:
Lalalalala

Dib:
Excuse me, but, can you put this spy camera in ZIM's house so I can... spy on his evil and stuff?

GIR:
Okey dokey!

Dib:
I shoulda tried this a long time ago.

Reporter:
Just how many more minutes will she have to suffer before rescue crews can free her? Huh?!

Dib:
Why don't they just pull her out?

Man:
She's lodged in real good. I heard her foot's poking out over in China. Plus, she screams real scary whenever anybody comes near her.

Dib:
Look at her. She's just smiling and waving. She just loves the attention. Wait a minute. [visions himself running through the crowd toward Zim's house and drags him out, exposing him without his disguise in front of everybody along with Gir, making a pose] Attention! If I can get up there, I can expose him on national TV!

Dib:
Tak had downloaded her personality into the computer, so it might be possible for me to download mine. Gaz, are you listening to me explain all this?

Dibship:
Personality transfer complete. Rebuilding- Hey! Who are you?

Dib:
I'm Dib.

Dibship:
No you're not. I'm Dib. I feel funny. What's happened to me?

Dib:
I know. The philosophical implications are quite…philosophical.

Dibship:
But I remember everything. [emerging a screen monitor] I remember being a baby, my first ghost-baby sighting, my first baby-alien encounter, riding an alien elephant baby at Dad's genetic mutation fair.

Dib:
Your memories are really of me doing all of those things! You have a copy of my magnificent brain inside you!

Dibship:
[as Zim analyzes him with his scanning device] I spotted your fake Dib-double, Zim! You already tried that once before and it won't work this time either!

Zim:
Hey! That's an Irken power signature inside of you! You're Tak's ship!

Dipship:
What are you talking about?! I'M DIB! I'M DIB!

Dib:
How did you get out here? Wait… You shut my alarm off, didn't you?!

Dibship:
I'm sorry, Dib. I tricked you and escaped. I thought I was the real Dib, but, I was confused. Would you like to get inside and I can take you to school… pal?

Dib:
[groaning and holding back vomit; off-screen] I'm sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

Zim:
Fool! My fellow hideous inferior human pig-smellies are insulted by this constant slander! [pounds his fist on his desk.]

Dib:
Would a human call their own kind pig-smelly? Huh!?! Huh!?! Huh!?! We're not pigs!

[Pigboy walks up to Zita, Confused.]

Zita:
Hey! You watch what you say around Pigboy!

[last lines of the series]

Zim:
Home! A sweet victory for Zim! It is good to be back, good to be Zim! Huh?! [Zim notices Dib and GIR dancing in the living room. Dib holds a camera. The Tallest watch from the transmission screen that replaces the green monkey picture. Dib looks into the camera.] Hey! Get out of my house! [Dib drops the camera.] Get out!

[Zim runs over to usher Dib out and steps on the camera.]

Dib:
Hey! Hey! [continuous]

[Zim chases Dib around the house. The TV plays a Bloaty's commercial.]

Zim:
Get out of the house of Zim! This is my house, get out! Get-

[Aboard the Massive, Red ends the transmission with a remote, ending the series]