It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 10

North Dakota Woman:
Oh, you really know your way around.

Dennis:
Well, if I've learned anything from films like Executive Decision or Passenger 57, there's always a way into the cargo hold.

North Dakota Woman:
You're weird.

Dennis:
You have no idea.

[she leans in for a kiss]

Dennis:
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Nothing with my lips, all right? I don't want to do that with you.

Dee:
Attention, passengers. This is your captain, Boss Hogg, speaking. And this cold slice of heaven is my 40th beer of the afternoon. So any of you dicknips think you can slug it down faster than me, you're welcome to get your fat asses up here to try.

Frank:
If things go wrong, I'll blow this whistle and call the date before they have a chance to get to know us. Mm. Let's just keep it simple. Let's just start with our names. [cuts to the three at their date] Hey, ladies. I'm Frack. SHIT. [whistle blows]

Dee:
I even have my own system. The DEE system. Do them. Establish low rating. Increase power.

Dennis:
"Increase" is spelled with an "I."

Dee:
Okay, well, then, uh... Infuriate them when they find out...

Dennis:
Another "I."

Dee:
Empower. It doesn't... the word doesn't matter. It's-it's the system... ah, I don't care about you.

Charlie:
What the hell is this? Why are there chickens everywhere?

Dennis:
No time to explain it to you, you wouldn't get it anyway.

Charlie:
What are you painting?

Dennis:
Look, it's a new sign, okay? "Carmine's: a Place for Steaks".

Charlie:
What- no! I can't have you put that sign up, the health inspector's coming, like, any minute.

Dennis:
So what?

Charlie:
So wha-? So we're not Carmine's! Look, I can't have them see the sign.

Mac:
Who gives a shit? We always get a passing grade.

Charlie:
Yeah, we get a passing grade because I bust my ass to make sure that happens! Okay, and we don't pretend we're a restaurant! Look, this is fucking crazy, no signs!

Dennis:
No, we're using the sign, because the sign's a big part of the plan.

Charlie:
What is the plan?! What is happening?!

Mac:
Charlie, we found a loophole in the system.

Dee:
Yeah, it's a closing loophole, it involves airline miles and points.

Charlie:
You're doing a chicken and airline miles scam today?!

Dennis:
Look, it is a great plan, okay? We do not have a ton of time to explain it to you, we're busy.

Charlie:
Okay, fine, whatever, I get it. I get it.

Dennis:
No, you don't.

Frank:
It's a good plan, Charlie.

Charlie:
Frank, Jesus Christ, man! Where are your shoes?!

Frank:
I lost 'em in the bathroom.

Charlie:
Okay. Dee, get the joke stool in the basement, all right? Can't have it out.

Dee:
What? No way. It's hilarious.

Charlie:
It's not hilarious, it's just a stool with a nail sticking out of it.

Dee:
Yeah, and when it pokes their butts, they scream, 'cause they just got a nail right in the butt. I... you- you don't understand comedy at all.

Charlie:
You don't understand comedy! That's not a joke, it's a lawsuit! Just put it in the basement, okay?

Charlie:
What's wrong with the toilet? Looks clogged. What the hell? I just had these all in, like, perfect working condition.

Frank:
Must be my shoes.

Charlie:
Your shoes? What are you talking about?

Frank:
Well, when I said I lost my shoes, I didn't mean I didn't know where they were. It's just that they were gone.

Charlie:
You flushed your shoes down the toilet? Why would you do that?

Frank:
It's an anxiety thing, Charlie. Everybody's moving so fast all of a sudden, it freaks me out. Flushing things gives me control. It's a thing.

Dennis:
Excuse me, with all due respect, Charlie, you don't even know what the goddamn plan is.

Charlie:
Okay, okay, with all due respect to you, I think I understand it fully, okay? You guys used Frank's credit card, you bought a bunch of airline miles. You used those airline miles to purchase 400 steaks. Knowing that this delivery company delivered all variety of animal products, your plan was to contaminate the steaks with chicken feathers by rubbing live chickens all over them. Then you were gonna repackage the steaks, at which point, you were gonna return the contaminated steaks for actual cash, taking advantage of a loophole in the current airline miles system, correct?

Frank:
Very good, Charlie.

Mac:
That is it, that is it.

Dennis:
That was the plan, but I mean... you know, we basically had already explained it to you, so...

Charlie:
Right, but what you didn't plan for was a hungry delivery guy who'd driven here all the way from Ohio, or that Dee's oversized fingers could've accidentally pressed "zero" again when she ordered the steaks online - I'm assuming you did the typing, Dee, yes?

Dee:
...Goddamn it.

Dennis:
Dee, you bitch.

Charlie:
But none of this matters to me, okay? Because today is inspection day. A day that I pride myself on, a day that I've never failed on, and I don't plan to begin failing now! So listen to me, and listen close like you've never done before: we are going to pull this thing off, so help... me... god.

Dee:
Oh, no, he wants a turkey burger.

Charlie:
What? Why?

Dee:
I don't know. I offered it to him.

Charlie:
Why would you do that?

Dee:
You said pretend we're a restaurant--he looked like a turkey burger kind of guy.

Charlie:
He looks like a turkey burger kind of guy?! Oh, my God, Dee, just put it on the furnace, okay, cook it up. Tell him you got the order wrong, just tell him you got the thing wrong. Oh, my God, what a stupid bitch. What a stupid bitch she is.

Dennis:
We're not missing that boat.

Dennis:
I- I used to be a cool guy, right, with a cool car hanging out all the time, and now I'm a- what am I? I'm a chauffeur to a bunch of worm-sucking idiots!

Mac:
You?! What about me? I used to be a party boy who banged chicks all the time. You guys remember? But no-one was ever good enough for you, dude. So I got self-conscious and I stopped - because of you, I changed who I am at my core.

Dennis:
Mac, Mac, that is not what happened, okay? You are completely delusional. I mean- by the way, all of us have become so goddamn weird.

Frank:
I think we're just hitting our stride.

Dennis:
Oh, you think we're "hitting our stride," Frank?

Frank:
Yeah!

Dennis:
Really? 'Cause Dee's in a goddamn costume every other day! As a matter of fact, we all are; I think we have more costumes in the bar than we do kegs! I mean- wha- what if I said I wanted to become a man-cheetah right now? What would you do?

Frank:
I'd go get the spots.

Dennis:
He's got spots! Why do you have spots- you shouldn't have spots! That's absurd, man. That's absurd... you know what? I actually- I blame you for most of this.

Frank:
Me?

Dennis:
Yeah, because you came in here with your endless goddamn supply of money and financed all this bizarre behavior!

Frank:
You were plenty weird before me. What about the underage drinking scheme? I wasn't even here for that.

Mac:
But that made sense, Frank. It worked!

Dennis:
You know what? I gotta get away from you people, that's what it is. I-I- I fly off the handle every five seconds now.

Mac:
You know what? I gotta get away from you people, you're all insane! I'm storming out!

Dennis:
Wha- don't copy me! I'm the one who's angry- GODDAMN IT!

Frank:
You don't storm out on me, I storm out on you!

Dennis:
I'M THE ONE WHO STORMS OUT, I'M THE ONE WHO- Oh, OH, OH, yeah, no. Okay, you know what, that's fine. Storm out. Get angry. You guys be that guy, 'cause I'm not gonna be that guy anymore. I'm not gonna get angry and shit, I'm gonna cool off. I'm gonna go back to being what I was before: a cool guy who just hangs out and has a cool car. So, I'm not gonna storm out, but I am gonna leave. I'm gonna... leave casually.

[Charlie and Dee are alone in the bar]

Charlie:
...You want to get lunch?

Dee:
Sure.

Charlie:
It's like- sometimes those guys make me do things that aren't really me, you know?

Dee:
Yeah.

Charlie:
Like, okay, like- I kind of feel compelled to call you a bird right now and throw my glass of water in your face...

Dee:
Right-

Charlie:
...But, uh, I'm realizing that I only do that stuff 'cause I don't want the guys to do it to me first, you know what I mean?

Dee:
Of course I do. You know what I was about to do? Pretend that I had to go to the bathroom, and then I was gonna sneak out the window and just get out of here, 'cause I was afraid you were gonna do that to me first.

Charlie:
Oh, right, right, right.

Dee:
Isn't that weird?

Charlie:
I was, though.

Dee:
Oh...

Charlie:
But again, I think it was only- 'cause, like, that's what the guys would have done, and-

Dee:
It's the peer pressure thing from those guys.

Charlie:
Yeah, right. Okay, well, forget the guys today. Right? They're not here, so, um... what do you want to do?

Dee:
Uhhhh, let's see... I'd like to order my food in a German accent.

Charlie:
Right, right, okay, cool. Why?

Dee:
I guess that's just, eh... I put all these expectations on myself to be funny all the time? You know, 'cause that's what people have come to expect from me, but that's not fair. It's too much pressure for me.

Charlie:
Yeah, right. No, I don't think anyone expects that at all.

Dee:
Well, what about you? What do you want to do?

Charlie:
Okay! Well, I would like to get a chicken sandwich, but uh... I think I want to get the beak on the side? Frank's always making me eat it first, and... frankly, I'd rather eat it last, if I'm gonna have to eat it at all.

Dee:
Ooh, I can help you here: instead of eating it last, you don't have to eat beak at all.

Charlie:
...oh.

Waitress:
Ready to order?

Dee:
Ja, vell, I vould like ze... (Charlie shakes his head) I'm sorry, I would... like a chicken sandwich, please.

Waitress:
Okay, and you?

Charlie:
BEAK!

Dee:
No-

Charlie:
No...

Dee:
No.

Charlie:
...rrREGular chicken sandwich.

Waitress:
That's it?

Dee:
That's all for him.

Waitress:
Okay.

Dee:
...You did it! You did it.

Charlie:
God, I really wanted to say it!

Dee:
I saw that you wanted to say it.

Charlie:
Yeah, yeah! Well, alright, this is good!

Dee:
This is great. I'm very proud of you.

Charlie:
Look at us! Yeah... no beak.

Dennis:
Well, I was thinking somewhere in the ballpark of the original price, but, uh... considering the circumstances, I'm open to a reasonable discussion.

Buyer:
Alright. I mean, it is an amphibious exploring vehicle, so it should be fine, right?

Dennis:
...Yes. Yes, absolutely. It's nice to talk to a reasonable man, heh heh. Now, are you a sportsman? Because you look very fit.

Buyer:
Oh, I ski.

Dennis:
You ski? Oh, excellent, love skiing. Yeah. Do you travel a lot?

Buyer:
For work, yeah.

Dennis:
Europe? Eastern Europe?

Buyer:
Ah, all over, really.

Dennis:
And I assume you'll be taking the car with you on these trips?

Buyer:
Me? Oh, no. No, I'm- I'm looking for something for my daughter.

Dennis:
...Your daughter?

Buyer:
Yeah. You know, safe, slow vehicle. Good starter car.

Dennis:
...Starter car.

Buyer:
That's right.

Dennis:
...I have contained my rage for as long as possible, but I shall unleash my fury upon you, like the crashing of a thousand waves! BEGONE, VILE MAN, BEGONE FROM ME! A "starter car"?! This car is a finisher car! A transporter of gods! THE GOLDEN GOD! I AM UNTETHERED AND MY RAGE KNOWS NO BOUNDS!

Dennis:
Hey, listen, I want things to go back to normal, okay? I don't like the way things have become, and I want them to go back to the way they were-

Frank:
Listen up! I want things to go back to normal! I don't like the way things are going, I want them to go back to normal.

Dennis:
What the hell are you doing, man?

Frank:
I'm storming in.

Dennis:
I was storming in- what are you, a man-cheetah?

Frank:
Yeah.

Dennis:
Cool.

Frank:
You like it?

Dennis:
Yes!

Frank:
Alright, good. I can't do this anymore, that last crew sucked on ice!

Dennis:
Okay, look, I like the man-cheetah thing, I want to go back to doing shit like this. Are you guys on board? I want to go back to the way things were.

Charlie:
Definitely!

Dee:
Definitely want things to be normal again.

Charlie:
We should go back in time.

Dee:
Can we go back a lot?

Dennis:
Okay, did you bomb and fail and bomb just like I knew you would?

Charlie:
Oh, yes. Yeah, that's all that happened, and nothing else happened other than that.

Dee:
There was a poetry thing, it was bad.

Charlie:
There was a poetry thing, and SHUT UP, BIRD!

Dee:
You shut up, you can't read!

[Everyone desperately laughs]

Mac:
I'm gonna save my dad's life!

Charlie:
Dennis, what is this enticing bowl of white?

Dennis:
Charlie, that... that's cottage cheese.

Charlie:
Cottage cheese? Like... cheese from some cottage? Whose cottage? Well, like, what is that, exactly?

Dennis:
How do you not know what it is? Aren't you, like, a cheese guy?

Charlie:
I'm not a cottage guy.

Dennis:
You are gonna make us lose this game.

Frank:
Yeah. Well, yeah, you know, uh, Grant? I want to... I want to change my answer.

Grant Anderson:
What? Wh... what? Why?

Frank:
I have realized it's-it's not totally accurate, because I've seen a pig eat a man. In fact, I've seen many pigs eat many men. It was a bloodbath.

Grant Anderson:
Just need you to name an animal that we eat but doesn't eat us.

Charlie:
Doesn't eat us-- that's easy. Dragon!

Grant Anderson:
Charlie, do you eat dragon?

Charlie:
No! I don't eat dragon 'cause, uh, it's-it's not a meal for peasants, it's a meal for kings, and I'm sort of a common man. But they don't eat us; they, uh, it's like a misconception. They actually eat gold and treasure. That's why they're always sitting on a big pile of it.

Dee, Mac, and Dennis:
Bad answer. Bad answer. Bad answer. That's a bad answer.

Grant Anderson:
Okay, show me dragon!

Charlie:
[laughing] I told you!

Grant Anderson:
Well, astonishingly, uh, one person surveyed gave the answer dragon, so... What a world!

Frank:
I'm gonna go with... toe knife.

Grant Anderson:
With what now?

Frank:
With a toe knife 'cause I-I use a-a sharp blade to dig the scum out of my toenails. Once in a while, I cut myself, but it pusses up and in three days, it's good as new.

Grant Anderson:
Sure. Toe knife! Way more information than we needed, but, uh... show me toe knife.

Dennis:
I'm sorry, can I ask: how do you play with a goddamn hole?

Charlie:
First, we just started, like, throwing things down it and then we never heard it land. It would just kind of rattle around down there.

Mac:
Then we got a flashlight to see if we could see the bottom - we couldn't. Then I threw it down there! Y'know, to prove a point.

Dennis:
What was the point?

Dee:
It was something to do with how metal... travels faster than light? Or-

Charlie:
No, it was that light is either on or off, there's no speed to light. It's- it was an anti-science thing.

Dee:
This hole, it's very exciting, Dennis. I mean, it represents infinite possibilities, it's endless.

Charlie:
What if there's, like, a mutant living down there? We can get him up and he can live in the bar with us!

Dennis:
We've already got one mutant hanging out with us in the bar all the time. (laughs at Frank) Hey, Frank, did you hear what I said? I turned a frustrating conversation into a joke on you.

Frank:
Huh? Oh, y-yeah.

Mac:
...Frank, what do you think about this hole? Pretty cool, huh? You want to do something with it?

Frank:
No, I don't. In fact, something just dawned on me: I need to quit.

Dennis:
Wha-what? What're- What're you talking about?

Frank:
I don't care anything about this hole. I-I'm passionless.

Mac:
What are you saying, Frank?

Frank:
I hereby officially retire from Paddy's Pub.

[Frank leaves. After a few seconds, the Gang starts cheering]

Charlie:
Look, I'm just trying to come up with a system. We gotta have a system here, y'know?

Mac:
Wait, wait, wait, we do have a system for this! Paddy's Succession Plan, remember?

Dennis:
Oh shit, right. Yes, right! Paddy's Succession Plan! It was, like, a will we drew up to determine who would get each one of our shares in the very likely event of our untimely deaths.

Mac:
We drank, like, three bottles of tequila and then we started talking about our legacy and how important that was to us-

Charlie:
Gotta have a legacy.

Dee:
Oh, here we go. On a paper plate, huh?

Mac:
Yeah, read it, read it.

Dee:
"Paddy's Succession Plan - Paddy's Pub shall secure our legacy here, henceforth and forevermore, throughout the birthright of our firstborn kin." Who hit the pen here?

Dennis:
It makes sense, don't be a bitch- what it means is, every one of our shares gets passed down to our firstborn.

Mac:
Right! Right, our firstborn!

Dee:
The shares get passed down to the firstborn kin? We are the firstborn kin of Frank!

Charlie:
Well, hang on! That's not, like, an official document!

Dee:
Uh, well, you signed it in your blood.

Mac:
Oh. There it is: "Chrundle", written in blood.

Charlie:
Oh, yeah. I was going by Chrundle at the time, wasn't I-

Mac:
Nope. No, you were trying to write Charlie, and you wrote Chrundle.

Charlie:
No, I was going by Chrundle the Great.

Mac:
You came up with that after you miswrote it.

Mac:
I came up with a really great idea, dude.

Charlie:
Yeah?

Mac:
I'm gonna play both sides.

Charlie:
...Why would you tell me that?

Mac:
Should I not have?

Charlie:
Probably shouldn't, because if you're trying to keep it a secret from me, well, now I know.

Mac:
I shouldn't've- should I tell them?

Charlie:
No, I don't think you should tell either side, because if you're trying to play both sides and they both know, you're not playing anybody.

Mac:
What should I do now?

Charlie:
I d- I don't give a shit. Why are you here?