Jakers! The Adventures of Piggley Winks, Season 1

Ciara:
You need some nice fresh air and exercise. You have been playing that video game all morning.

Sean:
We could watch TV instead.

Seamus:
Or DVD...

Ciara:
No!

[After Ciara leaves...]

Sean:
She's gone!

Seamus:
Let's go in!

Sean:
We can finish our game!

Meg:
Or watch TV!

Sean:
Yeah!

[The three pig kids run to the door.]

Meg:
I get the remote!

Seamus:
Do not!

[All three of them run into the door.]

Seamus:
Aw, man, It's locked!

Grandpa Piggley:
Now, uh... [holds up the key]

Meg:
Hey!

Sean:
The key!

Seamus:
Grandpa!

[After the Winks' kitchen has been trashed by the goat.]

Ferny:
Oh, your mother's going to be powerful mad!

Piggley:
Plan B. Molly, you go keep Mammy busy outside. We're going to clean up! Like Captain Clean of the Clean Brigade on a really clean, cleany day!

Molly:
Okay, Piggley! [goes outside to distract Elly] Mammy! You came back!

Elly:
Well, yes. I live here, don't you know?

Molly:
[hanging on Mammy's arm] Oh! I am so glad you came home! Now you can...uh...you can hear me alphabet!

Elly:
Oh, not right now, pet. I have things to-

Molly:
A, B, C, Q, R, 1, I am not so nearly done.

Piggley:
[telling Ferny about the Salmon of Knowledge] A long time ago, in the clear blue waters of Lough Derg, there lived a simple salmon. Hanging over his watery home, there was a very special hazelnut. And inside each and every nut on that tree was all the knowledge in the whole world. One day, one of those nuts fell into the loch. And the salmon gobbled it all up, filling him to the gills with everything there is to know about... well... absolutely everything.

Wiley:
[after hearing Piggley's story of the Salmon] Wow. A fish who knows everything. Think of the brain on that guy. Think of it. A fish with a giant head. And nut-crackin' teeth - big chompers! Hey, if a big-headed fish with teeth can get so smart from one little nut, think of what it can do for us sheep!

[Piggley, Ferny, and Dannan have caught a small fish that they think is the Salmon of Knowledge. They are keeping it in the well on the farmyard.]

Dannan:
Do you really think that's the Salmon of Knowledge, Piggley?

Piggley:
Course, it is! [to Ferny] Go ahead. Ask him somethin'. He knows everythin'.

Ferny:
Uh... [clears throat] Uh, Mr. Brainy Fish, uh, sir. Do ya... Uh, do ya know what, uh... I had for breakfast this mornin'?

[The fish looks up at Ferny, blows one bubble, then swims away from him.]

Piggley:
There. See? He says "Yes". He knows.

Dannan:
I didn't hear anything.

Piggley:
One bubble means "yes", and two bubbles means "no".

Dannan:
Okay, so what did Ferny have for breakfast today, hmm?

Piggley:
Mr. Salmon says he had... [deep breath; quickly] Six eggs, fried spuds, soda bread with marmalade, fruit, kippers, beans, and mushrooms, and porridge with milk, the top of the bottle.

Ferny:
Oh... That's absolutely amazing! It really is the Salmon of Knowledge!

Piggley:
Hey, Ferny. What do you wanna do tomorrow?

Ferny:
Well, I usually study on Sunday. But there's no need for that now, right?

Piggley:
No, sir. Not while we've got Mr. Smart Fish around.

[Ferny's stomach starts growling.]

Ferny:
Janey Mack, I'm really hungry. [realizes something; gasps in horror] Wait! I didn't have breakfast this mornin'!

Piggley:
[unfazed] Huh. So?

Ferny:
The Salmon of Knowledge was wrong! THE SALMON OF KNOWLEDGE WAS WRONG!!! [echoing]

Mr. Hornsby:
What have you got there?

Piggley:
It's, uh... A fish.

Mr. Hornsby:
Ah... Well... Hurry up, then. I'm about to pass out today's tests.

Mr. Hornsby:
[after the test ended hours ago] Time's up, Piggley.

[Mr. Hornsby takes Piggley's test, then examines it, only to find out that Piggley didn't write down any answer.]

Mr. Hornsby:
[tuts; shocked] Oh, Piggley! Why... Oh, deary, deary, me...

[Cut back to present day.]

Sean:
Did you flunk the test, Grandpa?

Seamus:
Did you get an "F"?

Grandpa Piggley:
Oh. Oh, yes. I flunked the test big time. As you would say yourself.

[Padrig finds Piggley getting swarmed by bugs.]

Padrig:
Careful with them fairies, son.

Piggley:
"Fairies"?! Why, they're just bugs, dad.

Padrig:
They could be bugs. Or they could be fairies in disguise. Fairies do that, you know.

[A bug flies on Piggley's hand.]

Piggley:
[disgusted] Agh... Nothin' this ugly could be a fairy, dad.

Padrig:
Careful. They don't care much now for insults. They just might turn you into a bug as well.

[One of the chickens pecks at Piggley's hand, eating the bug.]

Piggley:
Ow!

Padrig:
Fairies work in mysterious ways, you know.

Piggley:
[chuckles] Ah, you're just havin' me on. [beat] Aren'tcha?

Padrig:
[laughs] Why don'tcha run along and play now, Piggley? These chickens are fed enough.

Piggley:
Thanks, dad! [runs off, passing Elly] Bye, mam!

Elly:
[to Padrig] Now, what do you want to tell the boy stories like that for?

Padrig:
[laughs] Don't worry. Not even Piggley would believe that one!

[The mystery show Piggley Trotter, Private Eye is playing on the radio.]

Piggley Trotter:
This is my town - a good town, with good people, and one bad one. Master criminal Big Sty had given me the slip again, and... I was calling it quits for the day. I headed for home, taking a shortcut through the park. That's when she walked up. She was prettier than a French poodle. The smile that made the chickens cackle.

Mysterious lady:
Mr. Trotter... I need your help.

Piggley:
[listening to the radio] It's a mysterious lady!

Padrig:
Shh.

Piggley Trotter:
Helping is my specialty, ma'am.

Mysterious lady:
I think I'm being followed.

[Molly gasps.]

Mysterious lady:
Followed by... Big Sty, master of disguise.

[Piggley wears a wig made of blue yarn, scaring Molly.]

Padrig:
Shh.

Mysterious lady:
No... I-- I...

Big Sty:
[disguised as a policeman; speaking in a Cockney accent] Come with me, ma'am. I'll take ya down the station.

Piggley:
No, no! Don't go with him, mysterious lady! Don't go!

Piggley Trotter:
She's not going anywhere with you... Big Sty!!

[Piggley gasps, then falls to the floor.]

Elly:
[gasps]

Padrig:
Shh.

Big Sty:
Ohhh! Curses! How did you know it was me, Trotter?!

Piggley Trotter:
Policemen don't - wear - rubber - boots!

Big Sty:
Ohhhhhh! Foiled again!

Seamus:
Oh, no! Crummy old wind!

Shawn:
Dumb leaves!

Grandpa Piggley:
Hey. What's this now?

Sean:
Mom wants us to sweep off the driveway.

Seamus:
But it's too windy!

Sean:
Every time we get the leaves and stuff into a pile, the wind comes along and [throws the leaves in the air] "boofa-shisha-bwuwuf"!

Sean:
I quit!

Seamus:
Me too!

Grandpa Piggley:
Are my ears deceiving me, or did I hear me own flesh and blood say the word "quit"?

Seamus:
Grandpa, when something's this impossible, you have to give up!

Molly:
What's so great about fishing?

Padrig:
Well, now. On Lake Beghorra, ya never know what you might see. Like the time not too long ago when I was out fishin'. I wasn't catchin' so much as a cold. Then all of a sudden, I hooked the strangest thing. A hat! A red hat!

[Piggley and Ferny gasp.]

Padrig:
It wasn't too long before a fella came swimmin' by, lookin' for the hat.

[Dannan, Molly, and Sweets gasp.]

Padrig:
I gave it back to him, and... he thanked me kindly. Then he disappeared beneath the water.

Ferny:
[gasps] Janey Mack!

Piggley:
Then what happened, dad?

Padrig:
Well, now... The next thing I knew, like a streak of light, me boat was jettin' across the lake, sure I couldn't see what was pullin' me, then suddenly, I came to a stop. I was at a part of the lake I'd never seen before. Lookin' around, I thought I saw that fella with the red hat swimmin' away. Then, a fish tail as big as your side slapped the water! And he was gone.

Piggley:
Jakers! A... A merman!

Ferny:
Oh... A fishy fello.

Padrig:
Well, I can't say for sure, lads. All I know is that very place where me boat stopped... turned out to be the best fishin' spot of all time.

Padrig:
It's a long time sittin' in a boat, you know. Nowhere to go, nothin' to do.

Piggley:
We don't mind. [has Ferny's voice] We love sittin'. With... nothin' to do.

Padrig:
It's a lot of responsibility, you know.

Dannan:
We love responsibility.

Padrig:
I'll be leavin' at the crack of dawn.

Piggley:
We loooooove, looove gettin' up early! We'll all spend the night here, so we can leave first thing in the morning.

Ferny:
Oh! That's a good idea!

Dannan:
Oh, that's a great idea!

Padrig:
Now hold on a minute! I didn't say I'd take you!

[The kids start begging simultaneously.]

Piggley:
Pleeeaaaase?!

Dannan:
Oh, pleeeeaaaase?!

Ferny:
Pleeeaaase!

Padrig:
We'll see how things go in the morning.

[The kids cheer.]

[Wiley is bothered by his flock's loud snoring keeping him awake.]

Wiley:
Listen to that! It's like living in a buzz-saw factory! What I need is a glass of warm milk. Now that should put me out like a fuzzy light.

[Wiley places a cup under the cow's udders, and waits for it to produce milk, but nothing happens.]

Wiley:
Okay. Go. [getting impatient] Any time now. I'm waiting. [notices the cow's tail] Aha! She's got a handle! Like a pump! She's a pump cow!

[Wiley starts pulling the cow's tail up and down like a pump, but this causes the cow to angrily kick Wiley across the barn and into a large haystack.].

Wiley:
[from within] Got milk? No.

Wiley:
Ever smell a barn? They're not minty fresh.

[Ferny has reeled in Wiley's blanket, and Wiley is attempting to pull it back.]

Wiley:
Mother Nature is stealing my blanket! And she's very strong.

Padrig:
What's all this ruckus now?!

[Wiley wakes up with a start after being knocked unconscious against the wall from his tug-of-war with the kids over his blanket.]

Wiley:
[frightened] BAAAAAA! What--? Where--? Who--? Wow. What a dream I had. So vivid, so real, so... painful! Sleep is tough. Not sleeping is even tougher. What am I gonna do? Maybe I should sleep on it.

[Padrig catches the kids having a pillow fight.]

Piggley:
Oh... Uh, hi, dad. Um... I can explain. You see--

Padrig:
Explain to me how you think you can sit still on a boat, when you can't even stay in bed.

Piggley:
But we were getting our--

Padrig:
BED.

Piggley:
Yes, dad. [returns to bed with Ferny and Dannan]

Padrig:
And I don't want to have to come back here again. [leaves]

Ferny:
[angry] Janey Mack, Piggley, why did you start a pillow fight?!

Piggley:
I didn't start it!

Ferny:
Did so!

Piggley:
Did not!

Ferny:
Did so!

Piggley:
Did not!

Ferny:
Did so!

Piggley:
Did not!

Ferny:
Did so!

Dannan:
[covers the boys' mouths with her hands] STOOOOOOOP!!!

[Padrig hears the yelling.]

Padrig:
[angry] PIGGLEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!

Piggley:
[turns off the lamp] We're asleep!

[Molly wakes up and finds Piggley, Ferny, and Dannan making jam sandwiches.]

Molly:
What are you all doin'?

Piggley, Ferny, and Dannan:
Shhh!

Piggley:
We're makin' a picnic lunch for dad!

Molly:
Why are you doin' that?

[Dannan, then Piggley, then Ferny take turns shushing Molly.]

Ferny:
Ugh... It's for the fishing trip tomorrow!

Molly:
Oh...

Dannan:
I'll take Molly back to bed. You boys go ahead and make the sandwiches.

Molly:
Will you make one for me too, Piggley? Pleeeaaase?

Piggley:
Okay, okay. Just be quiet!

Molly:
Sweets, too? Pleeeease!

Piggley:
Ugh, fine...

[Dannan takes Molly back to bed.]

Piggley:
[to Ferny] Jakers...

[Piggley, Ferny, and Dannan think that they're not going fishing with Padrig due to their mischief tonight.]

Dannan:
Oh, well. We can always play "pirates" tomorrow, instead.

Ferny:
Pirates will be fun.

[Piggley, Ferny, and Dannan are outside catching grasshoppers as fishing bait for Padrig.]

Padrig:
[from inside] I wouldn't be hearin' children outside, would I?!

Piggley:
[heads back in with Ferny and Dannan] We're all asleep, dad!

[The next morning...]

Piggley:
Dad! Wait for us!

Padrig:
After playin' around all night, you think you deserve to go with me?

Piggley:
But, dad! We weren't playin'!

Padrig:
I'm sorry.

Piggley:
But the merman!

Padrig:
Maybe another time, Piggley.

[Just then, he notices the jar of grasshoppers that Piggley, Ferny, and Dannan caught last night.]

Padrig:
What's all this now?

[Padrig picks up the jar and examines it.]

Padrig:
So, is this what you rascals were up to last night? You know, you should all be out pickin' spuds today for keepin' everyone up all night. But I suppose your hearts were in the right place. So, are ya gonna stand there all mornin'... or are we going fishing?

[The kids cheer.]

[After Piggley takes a picture of Wiley.]

Wiley:
Wowee-wow-wow-wow! I've been photographed, captured on film, recorded for posterity! Just picture it: my face, appearing everywhere - newspapers, magazines, the post office! Hold it. Strike that post office. I don't wanna be that wanted. I could be big! I could be famous! I could be big and famous! I could go to the big city, meet up with destiny, get a decent cheeseburger. I gotta get that kid to take another picture of me. Maybe a nice 8 by 10 glossy, a couple of candids, some good commercial shots, maybe a full-figured cheesecake matte finish.

Wiley:
There he is. My shot at the big time. I could be on Broadway, in the movies, on the radio. No. No, not the radio. They can't see me on the radio, not even if they sit real close.

Mr. Hornsby:
Class, over the next few weeks, I will be visiting each of your families for supper. The first family I will be visiting is... Piggley's.

[Everyone, including Piggley, is shocked.]

Ferny:
Are you tellin' me that Mr. Hornsby is going to be comin' right into me very own home?

Dannan:
It's unnatural, I tell ya! It shouldn't be allowed! Why, I've never heard of such a thing in all me life!

Ferny:
Oh. Well, I thought you really like Mr. Hornsby, Dannan.

Dannan:
I do - in the classroom. That's where he belongs, and that's just where he'd ought to stay!

[Piggley imagines how Mr. Hornsby's visit to his family will go.]

Padrig:
Well, Hornsby...

Mr. Hornsby:
That's Mr. Hornsby!

Elly:
[clears her throat] Would you like some--

Mr. Hornsby:
Please raise your hand before speakin'.

[Piggley nervously slides underneath the table.]

Mr. Hornsby:
Ohhhh, sit up, young man!

[Piggley sits up straight. This causes Molly to laugh.]

Mr. Hornsby:
Who is laughin'?!

[Piggley points to Molly, who immediately sits up straight.]

Mr. Hornsby:
[tuts disappointed] Oh... [starts grading the family one by one] "F", "F", "F"... "F".

[Molly pats her chest, then burps. The family gasps in horror. Mr. Hornsby is furious.]

Mr. Hornsby:
[dramatically clearing his throat] Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-em?! That is one more big... fat... "F".

[Wiley and the flock are in the barn, itching all over.]

Wiley:
Hopping hairballs! What is this?! We're infested! Inhabited! Lemme put it this way, flock. We got bugs! I know what you're thinkin'. Where do they come from? Why are they here? Should we charge rent?

[The flock tries to pick the bugs off of each other.]

Wiley:
No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no! Not like that! That's how monkeys do it! We got no thumbs.

[Piggley imagines Mr. Hornsby overworking him and Ferny.]

Mr. Hornsby:
Alright, now. Two plus two! Four plus four! The square root of 9! Name the seven wonders of the world. What was William Shakespeare's middle name? You'd better pick up the pace, boys. You remember what happened to your little friend Dannan.

[Dannan is sitting on a stool peeling potatoes while wearing a dunce cap.]

[Wiley and the flock are still itching.]

Wiley:
What can we learn from our friends, the warthogs?

[One of the sheep, Carl, excitedly raises his hand and bleats.]

Wiley:
Let's pretend Carl is a warthog. [Carl is offended] A big, fuzzy, wooly warthog. Eh... A good-looking warthog. Hey, handsome! But he's crawling with bugs! However, being a smart - oddly alluring - warthog, Carl knows exactly what to do. Stop, drop, and roll!

[Wiley sends Carl rolling across the field.]

Wiley:
And like the clever warthog, Carl knows to clean his wool by covering himself in earthen filth.

[Carl rolls over Wiley.]

Wiley:
[annoyed] Unfortunately, being Carl... [Carl runs him over again] He doesn't know when to stop! [Carl runs him over once more] That is one clean sheep.

[Piggley, Ferny, and Dannan try to get an apple for Mr. Hornsby by pulling a tree branch down to them with ropes. After struggling, the apple is now dangling within Dannan's reach.]

Dannan:
Oh. There it is! I'll get it!

Grandpa Piggley:
[narrating] Dannan reached out to pluck the little beauty, and...

[As soon as Dannan plucks the apple off the tree, Piggley and Ferny are launched through the air, screaming as they fly out of the orchard, then out of Ireland, then into space.]

Grandpa Piggley:
[narrating] We flew into the air, and shot right through the stratosphere. Clear out into space we flew! All the way to the surface of the moon! Where we were met by a couple of crazy-looking moon men!

Sean, Seamus, and Meg:
Grandpa!

Grandpa Piggley:
Uh, what's the problem, children?

Meg:
[in disbelief] You flew all the way to space and landed on the moon.

Grandpa Piggley:
Well... Maybe we didn't actually fly into space.

[After seeing Wiley run past with Molly's leprechaun doll on his back.]

Piggley:
If he is a leprechaun, he's probably headed for his pot of gold! Come on!

Elly:
[calling from inside] Piggley! It's time for supper!

Piggley:
Aaaahhh, no! It's always suppertime at the wrong time!

Piggley:
[reading from Elly's book about leprechauns] "Leprechauns are excellent shoemakers, but they only make one shoe, never a pair." Hmm. "When he's finished with his work, the leprechaun always makes a delicious feast. He can sometimes be seen riding a dog or a sheep. All leprechauns--"

[Piggley remembers seeing Molly's doll riding on Wiley.]

Piggley:
[gasps] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! He rides a sheep?! Jakers! That doll is a real leprechaun!

Wiley:
Good morning, flock. Yesterday's run was a stunning success. You should've been there. And of course, you weren't. And I know why. Motivation. You need a reason to run. And what could that reason be? Simple. A prize.

[Wiley's flock bleats excitedly.]

Wiley:
That's right. First sheep to finish the annual Wiley Cross-Country Sheep Race wins... a prize.

[Wiley's flock bleats with excitement again, then starts racing, running over Wiley in the process.]

Wiley:
Now that's... motivation. Motivation... and pain.

[After the sheep have finished their race...]

Wiley:
What a race, what a race! The wind in our wool, the sound of thundering hooves, a chicken on my back... Okay, the chicken was a little weird, but the rest was great!

[The flock murmurs in confusion.]

Wiley:
Uh, oh yeah, yeah, the winner of the race, right, right. Uh... [clears throat] It is with great sheeply pleasure that I declare the winner is none other than Fluffy!

[The flock bleats excitedly.]

Wiley:
And his prize is... a deep sense of pride in knowing he's done his very best. Congratulations, Fluffy!

[The flock all bleat in confusion, then all approach Wiley.]

Wiley:
Uh, I'm sensing a modicum of disappointment here. Look. I'm a farm animal. What'd you expect, a burger and fries? Oh, I see. Uh, great, great, you want another race. A rematch. Okay, perfect. Work those legs and breathe that air. You're too close! You're too close!

Wiley:
Welcome, folk. I suppose you're all wondering why I called you here today. [the flock doesn't respond] Okay. Let's pretend you're all wondering why I called you here today. Glad you asked. I think it was Aristotle who said, "How about a song? Gimme a song." And he... He was a smart guy. [still no response] Look. We're sheep. But that doesn't mean we can't develop a little culture. We gotta sing! We gotta dance! We gotta ha-cha-cha-chaddy-cha! [still no response] Well, okay. Alright, we'll start with the singing, and end with the "ha-cha-cha-chaddy-cha". Let's go, sheep! [starts singing] My wiiiild I-I-I-Irish rooooose... The sweetest flower that-- [stops singing when he notices that the flock isn't singing along] I'm singing to an oil painting here.

[Piggley, Ferny, and Dannan are pretending to be pirates in the barn.]

Piggley:
For crimes against the Jolly Roger, including tryin' to steal the treasure chest, I, Captain Piggley, sentence you, Dastardly Dannan, to walk the plank. Any last words before we throw you to the sharks?!

[The sharks are just the chickens.]

Dannan:
I have been unjustly accused as a traitor! The ghost of Dastardly Dannan will return for revenge!

[Dannan jumps off the plank and lands on the floor, amongst the chickens. Piggley and Ferny look down.]

Ferny:
[victoriously] Aaarrrr!

[Suddenly, the kids all hear an eerie wail.]

Dannan:
What's that?!

Ferny:
W-Where's it comin' from?

Piggley:
Maybe... It's the ghost of Dastardly Dannan!

Dannan:
It couldn't be! I'm right here! Maybe the chickens have a stomachache!

Piggley:
Or maybe... it's a banshee!

Ferny:
[scared] A BANSHEE!!!

Dannan:
[scared] A banshee...?!

Piggley:
Terrible, ghost-like banshee that dresses all in black, and wears a great, huge hood over its head, you know. [approaches Dannan] It floats into your room, moving right through the walls, and soars right up to you! Then, it starts to sing a song of doom. Doom...! Doooooom!

[The eerie wailing returns. The kids all scream in terror and flee the barn.]

[The children are singing as they pretend to be dragon-hunting knights.]

Piggley:
We brave knights be huntin' for dragons.

Dannan:
With fiery breath and spiny backs.

Ferny:
We'll trounce them all and fix their wagons...

All:
Or... they will have us all for snacks! [echoing]

Hector:
Hey, Piggley Dink. I'll swap you some of that licorice... for nothin'!

Grandpa Piggley:
[singing Molly Malone while watering his garden]

She wheeled the wheelbarrow

Through streets broad and narrow

Crying "Cockles and mussels!"

"Alive, alive-oh!"

"Alive, alive-oh...!"

"Alive, alive..."